06x12 - Good Samaritans

[bunniefuu]

Ed Pulaski says,
this is coming faster

and stronger than any fire
than I've ever seen.

It is too smoky, too dark!
I'm panicking!

That's the kind of intensity
this... it's intense!

Ted Patrick's like, 52 kids... gone.

If I don't do something,

nobody's gonna do something.

I'm so drunk.

We're gonna make a martini.

First thing you gotta do is a...
banana, okay?

I'm gonna have this, though.

- You're...
- I am gonna eat it,

because it's gonna actually
make me feel better

in the morning.

What's cool about this
is nothing!

Hello.
I'm John Lutz.

Llllllll!

No one gives a f*cking sh*t!

No one cares who I am!

That's fine, it's fine.

I'm kidding.

Hello, I'm John Lutz.

And today we'll be talking
about Ed Pulaski

and the big burn of 1910.

So in 1908, there's a man
named Ed Pulaski.

Ed is getting sworn in
as a Forest Service Ranger.

He's more of a salt
of the earth kinda guy,

works with his hands,
and he's like, whoa,

I'm 40 years old,

I'm older than any of
these other recruits,

I don't have
a college degree,

but they still want me.

And they're like,
yes, we do,

because you're the kinda guy
we want.

So we wanna send you to
Coeur d'Alene National Park

in Idaho.
I would love to work in

a national park.
I love potatoes.

That is my favorite thing,
ever.

I'm gonna move my family
to Wallace,

which is right near
Coeur d'Alene,

and then they can live there

and then I can go take
care of the forest well.

He is having his dream job.
But that all goes to crap.

- What happened?
- Summer, 1910.

Lotta forest fires are
happening, but that's usual,

but...

There's a big one,
and Ed is like,

let me look through
my binoculars

and see what I see
with the... Holy sh*t!

That is not
what trees should be.

That is not green!

That is red! Those trees
look red and burny!

This is an intense fire.

This is crazy.
In a couple of hours,

a hundred thousand acres
are just wiped away.

That's the kind of intensity
this... It's intense!

It's crazy.

- It sounds pretty bad.
- He's like,

we've gotta do something
to save the forest park.

So he gets his crew.
He says,

we gotta start
putting this out.

You guys go over here, start
putting it out over there,

get some water over here,
get some things over there,

put some water over there.
One of his crew

comes up to him and says, we
are running out of supplies.

Okay,
I'm gonna take my horse,

I'm gonna ride back
to Wallace

to get some more supplies.
His crew guy's like,

hurry up... We are... This is...
We've never seen a fire

like this before.
Hold on, calm down.

Chill out...
just for a minute, Randy!

You are always so panicky!

So he hops on his horse,

rides to Wallace.

Gets a bunch of supplies,
stops at home,

and he goes to his wife Emma,
I need to go fight this fire.

Every second
I'm here with you

is another second
that one of my men could die.

She says, I understand.
I don't want you to go.

I don't want you to die,
but I know that

this is the man that you are.

I love you.
He says I love you back.

They give a big, long kiss.

Longer.

Longer.

Ohh...
that's it.

And then he gets back
on his horse

and hightails it back
to the fire.

When he gets there,
he looks at this fire

and he realizes there's
no way they can stop it.

So he says to his crew,
this is coming faster

and stronger than any fire
than I've ever seen.

We gotta go.
That's it.

We gotta... we gotta
pack it up, guys,

we're gonna dig outta here,

we're gonna head back
to Wallace.

So he has a group of 45 people
heading away from this fire

that's kind of chasing them.

They're all running.
Run, run, run.

And then one of his guy's
like, "John!

- It's a bear!
- Oh, no.

And Ed is like, wait a minute,
look at that bear.

He's running away
from the fire like us.

So then it was like run,
run, run, run,

bear, bear, bear, bear!

So they're running,

and they're 5 miles
outside of Wallace.

They run into an old man.

Oh, no!

I can't... I can't...

I can't run!
My knees are sh*t

and my arches are flat
and my back is broke

and my beard is long.

And then Ed goes,

use my horse, he's going,
I couldn't use your...

Oop!
And he's on the horse.

Yah! And the horse runs
off with this old man.

And all the other guys are like,

What the f*ck man?
Why didn't you give

one of us the f*cking horse?

At that moment,
Ed turns around and sees

this fire coming and realizes
this is not gonna happen.

We're not gonna outrun
this fire.

His men are like,
oh, my God, oh, my God,

the fire's coming!
What are we gonna do?

What are we gonna do?
He says, shut up!

Let me think.
I know what we're gonna do,

but I don't know yet.
Now I do.

I got it.

I just thought of
Nicholson Mine Shaft.

And they went,
Nicholson Mine Shaft?

So they're heading back
towards the fire.

So they go to Nicholson
Mine... they all...

They run in.

Just as they go into
Nicholson Mine,

the fire goes...

And Ed says,
just everybody calm down.

We might not make it out...
We still aren't out of

the woods yet.
And then all the smoke

and ash and embers

kind of like sucked into
the mine shaft.

It's pretty bad.

The end.

No. It's not the end!

Your banana is in your olives.

That's fine.
They'll be fine.

Sorry. Gonna
put the ice away.

Do you need me to do it?

It's gonna fall!

I got it.

Cookie?!

So... they're
in this mine shaft,

but these people
are still panicking.

Ed keeps his cool the whole time.

But all the other guys
were a little bit nutso pants.

Some of them were like,
I'm claustrophobic!

Another person was like,
I really don't like

being in the dark...
it scares me.

Then another person was like,
are there ghosts

in this mine shaft?

One was like,

aah, aah, aah-ee-aah...

He couldn't even talk.
He was just like...

And then Randy

is like, I can't take this
anymore.

It is too smoky,
too tight,

too dark... I'm panicking!

Bblblblblblb!
Blblblbllblb!

He runs towards

the front of the mine shaft,

and Ed's like, ohh...

He pulls his g*n out.
He points it at Randy

and says, anybody else
tries to escape, you die.

And Randy's like, eeeee!

Ohhhhh... don't k*ll me.

And he's like,
just get back in.

And then Ed says to everybody,
he's like,

everybody get on the ground,
lay down,

I'll throw these blankets
over you,

and I'll throw a bunch of
water on these blankets

to keep you from
getting burnt.

All these trees have fallen
in front of the mine shaft.

They just blocking the air
from coming in.

Ed is desperately trying to
break these trees.

He's hacking at it,
hacking at it.

And he's like, this is
worthless, and throws it away

and can't do anything
to the point where

everybody, including Ed,
passes out.

The fire finally passes.
One guy wakes up.

It's Randy.

And Randy's like,
I survived!

Oh, no.

Everybody's dead.
They're all dead.

I gotta get outta here.
I'm gonna go back to Wallace.

Runs, runs, runs, runs
back through

all this devastated
forestland.

It's just a wasteland.

And he gets back to Wallace
and people are psyched

to see Randy.
Everybody in town is like,

we hate this dude,
but for once, we're happy.

Ed Pulaski's wife is like,

where's my husband?
And Randy was like,

I know where they are.

It's sad, because they
thought everybody d*ed,

and then they all go back.

They get to the mine shaft.
They're like,

I can't believe it.
Ed Pulaski is dead.

And then from the mine shaft
you hear,

Oh, like hell he is!

He sang it?

No, he didn't sing it, Amber!

I'm sorry.

Ed comes out of the cave,

singed clothes, singed shoes,

covered in smoke and ash,

and they're like, yes,
he survived, he made it!

And then 40 of the other men
came out.

And they're like,
oh, my God,

all these people survived
and it was because of Ed.

Three cheers for Ed!
Hip, hip, hooray!

Hip, hip for... Yes, for Ed!

Everybody was really happy
except for Ed,

because five of the guys
he tried to save

did not make it.

This is the most important
part of the story,

and you're putting on
lip balm?

Just... We were like
five seconds away

from the end!

The story of Ed Pulaski
saving those men

became a legend,
but he did not like that.

He said, they're saying
that I saved 40 men,

but I... in my mind,
I lost five.

And I think it had
something to do with

that stupid Axe.

So he designed something
called the Pulaski...

something that is
half an Axe,

half a hoe,

half a save your life!

And he said, that is called
the Pulaski.

To this day,
the Pulaski is standard issue

for firemen around
the country.

- To Pulaski.
- To Pulaski!

- Hip, hip...
- Hooray!

- Hip, hip...
- Ha-ray!

- Cheers.
- Cheers.

Growing up, what was like

your go-to thing
when someone's like,

"I don't know how
to say your name"?

I got called "anus" my whole life.

- Yeah.
- But really, it's like "An-ace."

But I got so used to saying

"Ana-eese," to try and help
people, you know?

Do you think if I would
have said "Ana-eese,"

people would have been
like, "Oh, I got that, easy"?

Maybe.

Hello.
My name is Anais Fairweather,

and tonight I'm gonna tell
you the story of Ted Patrick.

Wait.
Will you go like this?

- Is there a fly?
- You got gnats in here.

Oh, my God!

I don't know why
you let all these gnats in.

So the day is July 4, 1971.

14-year-old Michael Patrick
comes home.

He's f*cked up.

His eyes are all
bewildered-looking.

He looks like he's been
set into trance.

His father, Ted Patrick,
runs to the door

and he's like,
what the f*ck?

You were supposed to be home
hours ago.

He's like, I was talking
to children of God,

and I'm gonna go f*cking
live with them now.

Here's a pamphlet.

Here's what they've been
telling me.

Ted Patrick's like,
f*ck that!

He looks at the pamphlet
and he's like,

this is a bunch of
brainwashing bullshit.

Get in your bed,
go to sleep... done!

His son goes to bed,
and Ted Patrick

doesn't think about it
for another week.

A week later after
Fourth of July,

after this whole thing
went down,

this friend runs in
and she's like,

I need your help.
My f*cking son Billy,

14 years old... No.

19 years old...

has been missing
since Fourth of July,

last seen with a bunch of
people holding bibles.

He's been gone
since Fourth of July!

So he starts making
all these phone calls.

He gets the names of 52 kids

who has been taken by
the Children of God.

52 f*cking kids gone...
in one week!

The police and authorities,
they all say, sorry,

can't do anything about it
because, you know,

most of these kids are like
19 years old, 18 years old.

They... they can make their
own decisions at this point.

Ted Patrick says like,
well, there's only one thing

I can do... I gotta become
a Children of the God.

A Child of the God.
Whatever.

So f*cking Ted Patrick

goes out to Mission Beach,

follows what his son told him

where all those kids were
hanging out, sees the bus.

The bus is painted
Children of God on the side.

He sees all these
good-looking young kids

preaching the word of God
on the outside of the bus.

He's like,
that's the f*cking bus.

They ask him all these
questions like,

are you a follower of God,
do you love God,

how much money do you have
in your bank account?

And Ted Patrick's like,

they just f*cking want
my money.

I'm so drunk.

And they like kiss cheeks

and then he like
high-fived 'em

and then got on the bus.

They drive to Santee
in San Diego.

It's a commune there,
Children of God commune.

Ted Patrick walks into
this commune,

and there's speakers
f*cking lining the walls.

David Berg, who's like the
Moses of Children of God,

is just like blaring out
his prophecies

which are things like
Jesus loves you,

but the only way
that he loves you

is if you denounce
your parents,

if you give up all of your
money and your possessions,

if you only do this.

And if you step off of
this commune

and you do not become
a Child of God,

then the f*cking devil's
gonna get you.

They're gonna
strike you dead.

And imagine this time.

Of course these kids
are f*cking believing that,

because they're already
kind of rebelling

against their parents,

rebelling against
the government.

They're confused.
They're looking for answers.

And, you know,
Ted Patrick's 41 years old,

so he's like, I'm, A,
have been in the service,

B, I'm a middleweight
f*cking boxer.

- Oh, really?
- Yeah, dude, he was!

So anyway, he's like,
I can probably

f*cking withstand this
and gain some Intel

on this f*cking
Children of God sh*t.

44 hours later, he hasn't
f*cking eaten anything,

he hasn't drinken anything.

This is all the Children
of God brainwashing.

All that he's been receiving
is the world of David Berg.

He's like, you know
the devil f*cking wants you.

The devil wants to get
in your little head...

and all this sh*t.

So then finally, at 48 hours,

he's finally allowed
to take a nap.

It was wall-to-wall,
shoulder-to-shoulder,

head-to-foot people
sleeping in this room

that smelled like sh*t
on tiny little blankets.

But people were passing out
'cause they were so exhausted

and hungry and thirsty.

He wakes up after
a three-hour nap.

He's like,
I believe this sh*t.

What the f*ck
am I talking about?

I don't believe this sh*t!
This sh*t's f*cking bullshit!

He's like, I gotta get
the f*ck out of here.

He runs up to like one of
those little guys

and he's like, I gotta
give you everything I own.

If I don't,
the devil's gonna get me,

and they're like, you've
accepted the word of God.

And he's like, uh-huh!
So he like leaves,

and they're like, bye!

And he was like,
if I don't do something,

nobody's gonna do something.

So he started the Free COG...
Free Children of God.

And he talked to
a bunch of parents.

All those 52 families,
there were parents who said,

I'll be f*cking willing
to give up anything.

And then he's like... you.
You need help.

This couple,
and they have a daughter.

She dropped out of USC
and joined Children of God.

And so he goes... he f*cking
infiltrates the commune

with her parents.

He grabs her,
and she's f*cking screaming

f*ck you,
you're the devil...

all this sh*t...
and Ted Patrick's like,

okay, whatever.
I'm not.

He shoves her in the car,
shuts the door, drives off.

I'm... very drunk.

- You're okay.
- At the time right now.

- Cheers.
- Cheers.

- Have you ever been a bartender?
- Like for a month, so no.

I did it to like pay for my classes.
Oh, my God.

- All right, so...
- Welcome.

- Thank you.
- Okay, so Ted Patrick,

he takes the girl
who was a USC dropout,

f*cking brings her to a motel.

Three days of questioning.

He asks the last question.

Well, why does God
want your parents to die?

Her eyes changed.
She lifted out of the trance,

and he said it was the most
beautiful thing he'd ever seen.

And she was like,
I am so sorry.

I've been calling you the
black devil this whole time.

I've been telling my parents
I f*cking hate them.

I'm so sorry.

She apologized profusely
to everybody,

hugged everybody...

and was like,
you saved my life.

And Ted Patrick
looked at her

and he was like,
you've been deprogrammed.

They were all like,
holy sh*t,

thank you... you know?

What am I saying right now?

So he gets a phone call
from Ralph Collins.

He's like this really
well known Realtor.

And he's like,
I need your help.

My daughter Pam
has been taken

by the Children of God
with her fianc?,

and I need your f*cking
help.

They hop in the car.

They drive to the commune
in Colorado.

They pull up to this

very f*cking high-stakes
situation.

There's like people
on watch towers

and vicious dogs
running around,

350 young adults
just being like,

I am a robot.

Ralph Collins
sees his daughter walking up

and he's like, she looks
like a f*cking alien.

And she f*cking pulls up,
walks up to the car

with five dudes,

and Ted Patrick's like,
sh*t.

So he's with this guy Danny
who knows karate.

The parents pop out of
their car and they're like,

honey,
and Pam's like, Dad, Mom.

He opens up the trunk,
and f*cking Danny

the f*cking Karate Kid

chops Pam's fianc?
in the face.

And then Ted Patrick
is like, gotcha!

And she's like,
what the f*ck?

They grab Pam, throw her
in the back of the car,

skid out of there.
He drives off.

And then they drive
to a motel.

Ted Patrick questions Pam
for two days,

and Pam finally came to.

And her eyes shifted
and she was like,

Mom, Dad, I f*cked up,
and Ted Patrick knew.

He looked at her in the eyes
and he was like,

you're fine, you're good.
You're deprogrammed.

And so he dedicated his life

to helping people recover
from these brainwashings.

And he was like, the only way
I can live with myself

after what I witnessed
at Children of God commu...

commune is if I...

help these people.

He knew he was
the only person

that had the f*cking balls
to do this.

No one else wanted
to touch this sh*t.

Ted Patrick is credited

with deprogramming
upwards of

a thousand ex-cult members

who were very stoked.

'Cause they were like,
I got my brain back!

Thank you!

Ted Patrick was like,
you can just call me

Black Lightning,
and everyone was like,

pffft, been calling you
that for days.

I don't like to be
judgmental of, like,

people's belief systems,

because everyone
believes something different,

but these belief systems
aren't religions.

They're cults because
you no longer have rights.

You don't have freedoms.

Ted Patrick was like,
when these f*cking cults

are advertising correctly,

when they f*cking
brand themselves right,

I'll be done.

Until then, I'ma f*cking
deprogram all these f*cking kids.

That's that he did.

- Cheers.
- Cheers!

Yay!

- To finding the truth.
- Holy sh*t.

What a f*cking lightweight I am.