06x16 - Bad Blood

[bunniefuu]

Typhoid Mary was making
all the rich people sick.

The health inspector says,

Mary, are you washing your
hands after you take a sh*t?

Be honest.

That's disgusting.

Cleopatra is Queen of Egypt.

But Arsinoe is like,

My sister's not the f*cking queen.

She's just some bitch on the throne.

Oh, my God!

We had a record cold and flu
season here in America

this year,
but I didn't get sick.

- Not even a sneeze.
- Not one sneeze.

A record cold and flu season.
You know why?

Washing my hands,
and I stopped touching my face.

- Really?
- I'm telling you.

I'm healthy, baby.

You just sniffed.

I'm just taking in the aroma.

Taking in the aroma
of the drink.

- Cheers to being perfect.
- Yes.

Hello, I'm Jackie Johnson,

and today,
we will be discussing

Typhoid Mary.

Let's travel back to 1900.

New York City.

Immigrants were just flooding in
from all over the world

to start their new life
in America.

And then we see
one angel face,

and she says, I'm Mary Mallon.

I am Irish, I'm proud,
and I'm here to cook, baby.

So, um, Mary's signature dish

was vanilla ice cream
with sliced peaches.

The rich people would call up
their friends and say, honey,

have you had Mary Mallon's
peach vanilla ice cream?

It is the best friggin'
dessert that I have had!

And that's how she got around,
word of mouth.

Old-school marketing.

So... what is it?
Oyster Bay.

Oyster Bay is like
the Beverly Hills of the time.

Teddy Roosevelt's there.
That's where he summers.

Charles Warren is there.

He is the banker

to all the rich people,
including the Vanderbilts.

So what happens to his family?

They all of a sudden get sick,

and they say, we're rich.

We don't have to deal
with disease.

Doctor George Soper rolls up.

His job is whatever
a sanitation engineer is.

Doctor Soper says, well,
honey, I'll be honest.

Everybody in your family
has typhoid fever.

Charles says, what?

What does that mean?

Ty... typhoid?

And... and Dr. Soper says,

You could hemorrhage
from the inside!

People die from this!

This is 1900.
We don't have pills.

We don't have, uh...
what... we don't have...

What's it called?

What's that pill
that solves everything?

Antibiotics!

We didn't have that, okay?

There's no antibiotics.

Okay?

So, Charles Warren says,

Here's a bunch of money.

Hunt down the source
and k*ll it off.

Doctor Soper gets to business.

He goes through the plumbing.

He interviews
the local fishmonger.

He's trying to find
the typhoid

and finding dead ends
everywhere he goes.

But then, all of a sudden,
he gets a call from Manhattan.

There's a wealthy family

who just came down
with typhoid.

The little girl is very sick.

She has her covers
up to her face.

She says, Daddy, I'm cold.

I'm very cold, Daddy!

So Soper rolls up
and interviews the family.

He realizes
they just had a new chef.

He says, wait a minute.

Who is the chef?

And he said, well,
she was a delightful

Irish immigrant
named Mary Mallon.

And Soper says,
Wait a damn minute!

That's the same woman

who was cookin' for the family
at Oyster Bay!

And he says, I think
we're onto something, baby.

I think I'm onto something.

So anyway,

Soper rolls up
to Mary's house.

He says, excuse me, ma'am.

I'm pretty sure
you have typhoid fever,

and I'm pretty sure
you're giving it

to everybody
that you're cooking for.

And she says, excuse me?

I am an Irish immigrant woman

trying to make it
in 1900 New York.

How dare you accuse me
of being unsanitary?

Then she chases him out
with a fork

and says,
If you ever come back,

if you ever try to f*ck
with my money again,

I will take you out!

So, he has to get
more evidence.

He sits down at his desk.

There are papers everywhere,

and he says,
Oh, my God.

Eight families
Mary Mallon has cooked for...

seven of them
have contracted typhoid?

That's not a coincidence.

That's not.

That is fact, honey.

I spit everywhere.

It happens.

You know what else happens?

- Hmm?
- sh*t.

Okay. So.

I'm just making sure
these hairs are good. Okay.

You look good.
You remember where you are?

We'll see, 'cause, you know,
the brain's fading,

I'll be honest,
the brain is going out.

I love that you're always honest.

Okay, so we are pissed
at this point.

The health inspector and
Dr. Soper roll up to Mary's.

They bust open the door,

and they said,

Mary!

We have unequivocable proof
that you're spreading typhoid

all over this damn city.

What is the deal?

She says, honey,
you're making sh*t up.

I'm fine.

And they say, Mary,

are you washing your hands
after you take a sh*t?

Be honest.

She says, if I'm being honest,

no, I don't wash
my hands thoroughly

every time I take a dump.

I'm a busy woman.

I'm trying
to get dessert made.

I'm trying to get
the appetizers done.

So sometimes, I gotta take
a sh*t while I'm at work.

I hurry up, I wipe, and I get
back in that kitchen, okay?

Time is money, and I'm trying
to make my damn money.

They said, you're making
rich people sick.

That's unacceptable.

So they grab her
by her sh*t-infested wrists,

and they ship her off
to North Brother Island,

which is where they quarantine
people with diseases.

Mary Mallon sits on the damn
island alone with her dog

for three years.

Meanwhile, they test
her sweat, her spit, her...

I was gonna say her jizz.

Her eye juice.

They did over a hundred tests,

and they all tested positive
for typhoid fever.

Yet, she showed no symptoms.

Finally,
the health inspector says,

Listen, Mary,
I'll level with you, okay?

We want you
to get out of here,

but you gotta wash
your damn hands,

and you gotta promise
that you're not gonna cook.

She says... Fine.

And they say, okay.

Pinky-swear, Mary?

She says, pinky-swear,
health inspector.

With sh*t-covered hands?

That's disgusting.

So, she peaces out of the island.

Everything's fine.
New York is flourishing.

Five years later, in 1915,

there is a typhoid outbreak

at Sloane Maternity Hospital.

Two people d*ed
at the hospital... two...

so Soper rolls up
to the hospital.

A nurse who's very sick says,
We're clean.

We're a hospital.

We're not idiots.

We know how to not
get typhoid,

yet we all got it!

What's happening?

He says, Wait a minute.

Who's the cook here, baby?

Who's the cook?

Well, it's this delightful
Irish woman named Mary Brown!

Mm-mm.

Who's in the damn kitchen
of the hospital, Derek?

Take a wild guess.

George storms into the kitchen!

He busts open the damn door

with his foot, as a power move.

He says, I see you,
Mary Mallon!

I see you!
I see you.

And I smell you.

I caught you
fecal-matter-handed, baby.

I caught you
fecal-matter-handed.

So they took her back
to North Brother Island.

Twenty-three years,
she sat in quarantine,

and in 19... oh, sh*t.

My pillow.
Hold on.

Let me put my pillow back,

'cause I love
a good throw moment.

I love a good
f*cking accent pillow.

Okay.

In 1938, Mary dies.

The minute her body...

Hit the ground,

they sliced her open,
pulled out that gallbladder.

What did they see?

Live typhoid virus.

Doctor Soper was like,
I knew it, bitch!

I knew it!

What have I been saying?
What have I been saying?

An asymptomatic carrier
of typhoid

has been living among us
for years.

This is crazy!

But you know what?
It's America, baby.

The land of crazy,
and the land of opportunity.

Okay?

The medical journals all start
calling her Typhoid Mary.

So she is considered to be
the first asymptomatic case

of typhoid fever
in the history of the planet.

How insane is that?

Honestly.

If you could tell Mary
one thing right now...

I would tell Mary,
make your money,

make your ice cream,

make a career
and a life for yourself,

but honey,
wash your f*cking hands.

It's like a fun lemonade.

Boom.

Ew.

You don't like it?

Mm-mm.
You don't either.

You're trying to.

- I am.
- I saw your face.

I'm like...
this was a bad idea.

But look, we're still drink...
we're like...

We keep drinking 'cause it's like,

well, maybe it gets better.
Do you want a new one?

- Yes.
- Cheers.

- We drank most of this.
- We had to.

Oh, and the lower you get, it...

- It's disgusting.
- That's nasty.

Okay.

So, hello.
My name is Lyric Lewis.

And tonight, we are discussing
the other queen of Egypt.

- Mm?
- Oh, yes.

The queen that was scheming,

thieving, thriving,
and surviving

off of stealing her way
from the bottom to the what?

To the top.

The other queen of Egypt.

So our story begins in 51 BC.

We're in Alexandria,
the capital of Egypt,

and Cleopatra
has just turned 18.

She's like,
Cleopatra's coming at ya.

She's fresh, she's young,
she's supple.

She's like, I'm looking
fabulous, I'm fly,

and she marries
her brother, Ptolemy.

- I'm sorry, marries?
- Yes.

It wasn't weird for them.

They were like, we gonna be
blood on blood on blood,

snacks on snacks on snacks,

chicken racks on racks
on racks.

So now she's queen.

But their little sister,
Arsinoe,

she's, like, super butt-hurt about it.

Like, she's like, yo, I know
that I'm 11, but really?

I can't be
m*therf*cking queen?

Nobody asked me
if y'all could get married.

So boo to that.
Boo to that.

She's a sneaky, thieving-ass,
thriving tween.

And she had a eunuch

that was just, like,
her homeboy.

Ganymedes was in the shadows
at all times.

Like, you would only see,
like, a sliver of his face

come out the corner,
and he'd be like,

Dawgs, that's what we do
in Egypt.

- Dawgs?
- Dawgs.

So, now, at this point,

Julius Caesar is kicking ass,
taking f*cking names

all over the Mediterranean.

Like, Julius Caesar's like,
What's poppin'?

I f*ck with whatever.
Get over it.

Cleopatra's into that.

Like, she's like,
I'm feelin' this.

And so she's like, Hey,
Ptolemy, husband, brother,

we should, like, link up
with Rome, hardcore, parkour.

Like, Cleopatra's like,

Yo, we should f*ck with Rome,
hard as f*ck.

She's like, Rome is fuckable.

Ptolemy is like,
I'm not feeling this.

We're not gonna link up
with Rome.

That's it. Boom.

Roasted.

Cleopatra is, like,
very upset, right?

But Arsinoe is ear-hustlin'
all throughout the castle.

She goes to her brother,
Ptolemy.

She's like, Yo, I know
I'm 11, but peep this.

I'm not f*cking with
Julius Caesar either.

I don't think
Egypt should link up.

And matter of fact,
you should check yo' wife

because she's trying to...

like, she's not even listening
to you, dude.

Like, she's like,
You the husband,

and she not listenin', right?

So Ptolemy goes to Cleopatra,
and he's like,

Yo, Arsinoe came to me
and told me

she not f*cking with it.

She put some wisdom
in my head,

told me I shouldn't
f*ck with it,

so we not gonna do it.

And, not only that, I'm gonna
banish you from Alexandria.

So Cleopatra's like,
Escoose me?

Like, you gonna come
for my... like... what?

So Cleopatra now was pissed

that Arsinoe came
for her throne.

She is set on getting revenge
on her little sister.

So... mmm.

Cheers.

So. Cleopatra's banished.

And so Arsinoe's like,
I'm cute now, bitch.

I'm Queen of Egypt.

Just so happens,
at the same time,

Julius Caesar happens to make
a trip to Alexandria.

And he was like,
What's poppin', Egypt?

So Cleopatra said to herself,

she was like, self,
I can either

arrange a regular meeting
with this man

or I can get him
the Egyptian way.

So she crept in his room
in the middle of the night

and gives him
the Egyptian business

right there
in that hotel room.

- Mm.
- Mm-hmm.

Now, that's a pyramid scheme.

She was like,

Oh, you gonna be reading
from the Book of the Dead

after this,
'cause you gonna be, what?

Dead and gone.

f*ck like an Egyptian.

He was like, well,
this is some new sh*t.

Like, he was like, girl,
what is you doing to my body?

She's like,
Just some Egyptian sh*t.

Don't worry
about none of that.

That's what's happening
to your whole body

right now, right?

He, like, fell for her,

after that one f*cking night.

And so Cleopatra was like,
I know we just met,

and I gave you
the business immediately...

my bad...
however, my brother, Ptolemy,

banished me because why?

'Cause I wanted
to f*ck with you,

and I need help
to get my throne back.

And Caesar was like,
Say no more, girl.

You put that Egyptian ass
on me.

It's a done deal.

Let's go inv*de
some sh*t, yes?

And she's like, yes, bitch,
go get my throne back.

So, Julius Caesar invades
Alexandria, right?

And, like, it's, like, a whole
bunch of Romans and sh*t,

and Ptolemy gets captured
as a political prisoner,

but then Arsinoe
narrowly escapes the palace

with her eunuch.

Ganymedes goes,
Yo, they invaded the castle.

Let's do this, bitch.

So they escape
from Alexandria, right?

They go to
the rebel Egyptian army.

And the leader of that army
is Ach... Ach... Achillas.

By the way, which, also,
Achillas to me,

just sounds succulent,
you know what I mean?

He sounds like
a succulent man, but...

Does he need water?

Sh... sure.

But anyways, Achillas,
he's like,

Damn, that's a little-ass girl.

And she's like,

Hey, I might be 11 1/2
to 12 years old,

but I'm f*cking fierce.

We need
to reinvade Alexandria,

take back my throne,

because, yo, I'm the true
queen of Egypt, okay,

my sister's not
the f*cking queen.

She's just some bitch
on the throne.

Achillas is like, no, bitch.

We don't know you like that,
first of all.

Second of all,
you're mad young.

He's like,
you're 11.5 to 12 years old.

He goes, we not here
for this m*therf*cker.

Like, good night.

So then this little sh*t...

now, granted, Arsinoe,
I told you, is off the chain,

'cause she's like, oh, no?

Oh, no, you not
gon' f*ck with me?

So then Arsinoe turns
to Ganymedes and goes,

Yo, f*cking k*ll
this little f*ck.

And he did.

He k*lled him in some great
Egyptian fashion.

And he assassinates him
in cold blood.

It's crazy.

Ganymedes goes,
Yo, she told me to k*ll him.

I k*lled him.

Don't worry about it.

And Ganymedes says
to all of us,

Don't worry about it.

Don't ask him about it.

So we don't.

And he's dead.

So then, um...

I forget her name...

I remembered it
the past two hours.

Arsinoe?

I've never done this story...

I'm very embarrassed.

High five.

- I am drunk.
- Do you feel okay?

I feel great, I just feel drunk.

I feel like you can't
understand what I'm saying.

- We can.
- Yeah?

All right. So.

Arsinoe takes the army

and goes back to Alexandria,

and she's like, I'm gonna
take this f*cking sh*t over.

And Julius Caesar's like,
bitch, no, you're not, bitch.

She's like, yes, I am, bitch.

So she forced him to flee.

She runs him into
the Light Tower of the Pharos,

which is the seventh wonder
of the world.

And so Caesar's pissed
at this point,

because he's like,

I'm f*cking Julius Caesar.

Like, he's like, I conquered
the Mediterranean,

and this girl is about to,
like, run me... what?

What is this?

She's 11 1/2 or 12!

He's mad.

Like, he's surrounded
by the army and the sea.

He has literally no way out.

So he's like, f*ck, like,
either I'm gonna go out there

and get k*lled as f*ck,

or I'm gonna jump
out this window

and be drowned as f*ck

and hopefully swim and live.

He sheds himself of his armor

and his purple cloak.

Purple cloak is, like,
how, like, in Greece,

people know
it is Julius Caesar.

And he jumps
and splashes into the water.

Arsinoe comes up,
takes his cloak,

and, like, waves his cloak

as, like, a victory flag.

Like, yes, bitch!

Caesar finds the boat
that is waiting for him,

and he's like, damn,
she's very buck.

She knucks if she bucks
all the time.

So then Ptolemy meets
with Caesar, and he's like,

I'll make a deal with you.

My little sister's
wiling out.

She's very ratchet.

I will give you her
if you give me my freedom.

Caesar's like,
all right, dude, I'll take it.

With a sneaky look
on his face, right?

- Mm-hmm.
- So then...

Ptolemy goes to Arsinoe,
and he's like,

Hey, girl, hey,
and she's like,

Ptolemy, like...
Yo.

And then Caesar's like, Ah!

Arsinoe's captured, right?

And Caesar's like, psych!

Romans, k*ll him.

So he's like,

Oh, this m*therf*cker
right here.

What a bad friend.

Then he runs to the Nile River

and he drowns,
so he dies anyway.

Anyway.

Oh, so then,

Caesar has Arsinoe.

He's so f*cking happy because
she has embarrassed him

and that's how fragile
his male ego was.

Cleopatra's mad,
but she's like, yo...

She's like, yo.

Like, she's like, yo.

Take her little ass to Rome.
I'm done.

So Caesar tries to bring
Arsinoe through

Rome and the Colosseum.

His plan
is to f*cking strangle her,

and Rome is like,
we're not f*cking with you

f*cking with this little girl.

And Caesar's like,
I want to strangle

the f*ck out of her
in the middle of the street.

Everybody in the Colosseum
was like, you're whack.

You're whack.

And so Caesar is like,

Fine, just get the f*ck
out of my face.

So Caesar, being embarrassed,
sends her

to Artemi...
A-Artemis' temple.

Spends her life...
life as a priestess.

So, we fast-forward to 41 BC.

Cleopatra's still mad.

She thinks that her sister
will get revenge on her,

so then Cleopatra...

Says...

she sends assassins,

and she's like, yo.

Go k*ll my little sister
that is, like, 21.

And the assassins come.

And they strangle,
um, Arsinoe...

Arsinoe.
And she dies.

- Wow.
- Yeah. This girl was 11

and overthrew Julius Caesar.

At 11,
she outsmarted Julius Caesar.

I think that's fascinating.

Moral of the story...
don't sleep on your siblings.

Does that mean
don't f*ck your brother?

And that too.

Don't f*ck your brother either.

- That's a good one.
- That should be a given.

Should be.

Oh, my God!

And me.