02x09 - Yard Sale

[bunniefuu]

Listen, is... is... is Herb Whatsits

still handling Mom and Dad's finances?

Of course. He's sharp as a tack.

Trish, I'm gonna take
the rest of the day off.

- [phone dings]
- Oh, it's Trish.

I leave work for a few days,

and everything goes to hell.

I'm an Arby's man.

- Oh.
- Yeah, I worked at Arby's.

- Good for you.
- Yeah.

We've got the meats.

[whistle blows]

Noodles?

Hey. What's up? I'm looking for Noodles.

Noodles?

Yeah.

You're looking for a class?

I mean, we have classes here.

We have a spaghetti class.

No, man, Noodles.

Like, Noodles.

Oh. That's Dr. Baskets.

- Dr. who?
- Baskets.

Noodles?

Okay. Hold on.

Dale on TV: Spanish.
Not only am I the dean,

I'm also a student.

I think you need to get out here.

Who's this little Raggedy Ann?

Hi.

Lady, somebody will be right with you.

- [laughing]
- And I'm also the janitor.

- Yeah, can I help you, please?
- Hey, what's up, Noodles?

Get off me! I got a
live g*n situation here!

I'll sh**t you in the mouth.

The hell, dude?

She's looking for Noodles.

Who?

- Noodles.
- You. You, Noodles.

- Me? I ain't no Noodles.
- Hey, what the...

There's a Thai place up the street

called Dr. Noodles if that's
what you're talking about.

What the hell, dude?

We clowned up and down
the West Coast, man.

You don't know who I am?

You were a clown?

Do I look like a clown to you, Trish?

- No.
- Clowning, huh?

Okay, I know who you're looking for:

a guy who looks just
like me but a lot fatter?

Mm, just as fat.

When are the trustees coming in?

- At 2.
- Okay.

We got to get you out of here.

Estate sale. Dog friendly.

Come on in. Lots of good stuff.

- Hey, Mom?
- Yeah.

I found those, uh, those records.

- Oh, records?
- Yeah.

Oh, that would be good.
Vinyl's in right now.

Yeah, and, uh, Meemaw's stroller.

Oh, well, let's sell that

because, you know, I can still walk.

- I don't need it.
- Okay.

And you wanted me to move this?

- Yeah, those things.
- This?

I think they deter
people from coming in.

Well, I'll separate them.

Yeah. They're frightening.

Be careful. That one's heavy.

Oh, boy. I didn't realize

Meemaw had so much stuff.

Hoo.

Don't come down on
the price of that one.

That's an antique.

Mom, you have it at $1,200.

Well, don't buy it... Oh.

Welcome to the estate sale.

Oh. You head right for the gold, huh?

This is a beauty. Sheffield.

I can do a couple dollars off.

It's a beauty, though.

Oh. That's not supposed to be out here.

- Sorry.
- Uncle Chip.

- Hi, Nicole.
- Hi.

- What's up?
- Nothing. How are you?

- Hi.
- I'm good.

Hi, Chip.

We're having an angry teenager morning.

Oh, PMS?

Crystal: What's PMS?

Can you explain it?

[tires screech]

[honk honk]

Hey, Chip,

your buddy from the Thunderdome is here.

What are you talking about?

She came by the university.

I have a trustee's meeting
today. I can't have it.

She's a real dirt person, you know that?

- [sigh]
- Hey, Chip.

- Not now, Martha.
- Okay.

Well, let me know if you need anything.

[laughing, muttering] God, man.

Oh, my God.

Dude, you got a twin?

- Yeah. Yeah.
- [laughing]

How are you?

[sigh]

Uh, not good.

I'm sorry to hear that.

It got weird out there, you know?

Yeah.

Hey, but, dude,

this is why I came to talk to you, man.

You want to buy this laptop?

Where'd you get it?

Ah, man, I jacked it off
this dude at Starbucks.

He asked me to watch it

while he went to the
bathroom or whatever,

but yeah, it's like a good Macintosh,

and I'll give you a good price.

So, like, what do you think, man?

You want to buy his computer?

Let's, uh... Can we have
a chat over here real quick?

- Okay.
- Martha,

why don't you take
all the holiday stuff?

- Well, do y...
- And...

do you have a baby Jesus?

I think I do in the back.

And then I'll give you
a bundle price on it all.

- Will you...
- And throw in...

This paperweight?

Yes. It's a...

It's a glass pineapple.

[chatter]

Oh, Jim!

Oh, I'm glad you made it.

Hey, I put a box of stuff together

and set it aside for you and the kids.

Oh. Thanks.

No, that's... that's great, Christine.

Christine Baskets.

- It's so nice to meet you.
- I'm so rude.

This is Marissa Hughes.

She's Bakersfield's number 1 realtor.

Oh. Thank you.

We're just going to
pop into Mom's house,

and I'm going to show her around

so I can see if there's, uh...

oh, what needs to be done.

It's really charming.

Lot of curb appeal.

You know, I have somebody coming out

in a couple weeks about the house.

It's all taken care of.

Don't worry about that.

You got your hands full.

I'm happy to help.

Nice meeting you.

Jim: You know, do you think

we can lose that tree right there?

This gravy boat has a chip in it.

How about a dollar?

Hello.

Oh.

Uh, what?

Uh, the gravy boat has a chip in it.

How about a dollar?

Uh, Dale.

Could you take care of this for me?

Could you take over, please?

I'm a little busy. I'm
bargaining right now.

Well, I need your help.

That's Bakelite, Martha. Don't touch it.

I need your help. Take
care of this woman.

Can I help you?

This gravy boat has a chip.

Well, you broke it, you bought it.

That's gonna be a buck.

A dollar, please, or four quarters,

ten dimes, 20 nickels. That'll work.

Thank you very much.

You want a receipt?

Forget it. I don't have one.

No. No. Sarah, where are you going?

He came all this way.
You're being so unfair.

Sarah, I'm not kidding you.

I will ground you from
everything for a month.

- Come on, let's go.
- Get off that bike.

Hey, excuse me.

Excuse me. What did you...

Get back here!

You okay?

[sigh] Sarah is exploring
some boundaries right now.

But Crystal, she's being a real trooper.

Aren't you, sweetheart?

Yeah.

Well, when I was her age,

I fell over the transit
Fonzarelli type, too.

It's just a phase, I hope.

Just a phase.

I'm here for you.

Thanks.

[ring]

Baskets Career College. This is Trish.

Hey, Trish. I'm having
a family emergency, okay?

I need you to cover for
me at the trustees meeting.

- Take notes, please.
- Okay. Is everything...

Thank you.

[sigh] There you are.

You're in charge of
the yard sale now, okay?

Don't sell the yard.

I got things to do.

Good luck with your Dust Bowl friend.

Hey, come on, dude.

Like, just take it, man. 75 bucks.

I can't. Listen... Listen, Trinity.

I'm on probation, okay?

The guy comes out of
the Starbucks bathroom,

he sees his computer's
missing, he calls the cops.

I can't have the cops
sniffing around me.

I can't go to jail.

All right, dude. Whatever.

You changed.

I have not...

What happened to clowning?

No. I don't clown anymore, dude.

I just wanted some friggin' cash.

I want to get back on the train, okay?

You got to stop running.

You're never going to outrun yourself.

What?

Did you find Jesus?

[sigh]

Okay, I know somebody you can talk to.

Follow me.

Come on.

This is kind of sharp.

Hey, Martha.

Hey, Chip.

Look after the yard sale, please.

- Good catch.
- Wait. Chip.

If I bought all these old dishes,

would you do 20?

What?

Or the Pat Boone records

and that old calendar for 10?

All right, you have to slow down.

Okay? If you could
hold on to your horses,

I will find a family member,

and I'll ask them about
changing the price.

No guarantees.

Would you check that hat, too?

Um, I don't know if I'm
willing to part with it.

Jim: So I figure we
rip up all the carpet,

put hard wood through the whole place.

Marissa: Oh, that sounds great.

And then some brand-new

stainless steel appliances.

- Modernize it.
- And maybe put a bay window

there so you can look
out to the backyard...

- Yes.
- to make it look bigger

- because I'm just gonna flip it.
- Oh, that sounds...

Oh. Hi, Christine.

Hi. I thought I would come in

and check and see how
you two were doing.

Oh, good, good, good.

Uh, well, actually,

I was just talking with Marissa

about, uh, the, uh, potential

of me buying this place myself.

Oh. Marissa, could you excuse me

while I talk to my brother.

- Oh. Of course. No problem.
- Thank you.

- I'll wait outside.
- Yeah.

Thank you.

What... You know, what... what
do you have to worry about?

I've already talked to my lawyers,

and they're looking into it,

and actually they're
in contact with Herb.

Oh. You talked to Herb?

- I did. I did.
- Oh.

Well, I just...

I... I just was surprised

that it's all happened so fast

and you're over here,
you know, with a realtor,

and I just... It... It's a whirlwind.

I'm... You know, I thought
we would put it on the market.

You don't really want to sell the house.

Do you know what goes
into selling a house?

You're going to have
people tromping through here

looking at, uh, everything, you know...

the... is there mold?

Is, uh, is there water damage here?

Inspectors... Inspectors come in,

and they're... It's going
to cost you a lot of money.

Do you know anything about inspectors?

No.

Um, well, maybe you're right.

Maybe we should... Maybe we should do...

You know business, and maybe
we should do it that way.

Yeah.

Well, good.

And... And Marissa's great.

Yeah. I like her and her...

you know. She sees anything
in the sale she wants,

just, you know, give her
a hell of a deal on it.

[laughing]

I'll see you later.

[door opens]

- Hi, Marissa.
- Hey.

[door closes]

[door opens]

Jim: Did I leave my
tape measure in here?

I got it.

[door closes]

Okay, ma'am,

if you want to go
with the sticker price,

I won't have to go up
the chain of command,

- and you won't have to wait.
- Martha, tell everyone I'll be back.

Oh, hold on a second.

Mrs. Baskets, before you go,

could you do $2.00 for
the Pat Boone records

and the broken necklace?

- Excuse me.
- Mrs. Baskets?

Is the hose attached
to the house for sale?

You know what? Could everybody please

just stop coming at me for a minute?

God.

Oh.

It works.

Here's your change, sir.

I think you got the wrong guy.

Oh. Sorry.

What do you say? Two lamps for 30 bucks.

Okay. I don't know.

I'm gonna have to make a phone call.

Two Boones for a dollar.

- Look, ma'am...
- How about 50 cents?

Two Boones for 50 cents.

- Hello.
- Mrs. Baskets,

there's a guy who
wants two lamps for $30.

Is that fair, or do you want
me to make a counter offer?

Nice to see you, Christine.

I've got to go, Martha.

- Herb. Oh.
- Ohh.

- [chuckle]
- So nice to see you.

How are you holding up?

Oh, I don't think it's all hit me yet.

Uh-huh?

So many loose ends to take care of.

Well, let's take a look
at this will, shall we?

Yes.

Have you got an answer on the lamps yet?

You know what, sir?

Let me call the grandson
of the dead lamp owner.

He might know if there's, like,

a sentimental reason
why it's more expensive.

Ma'am. Ohh.

Hello.

Hey, Chip, could you do two lamps

for $30?

Martha, don't telemarket me, please.

Chip. So good to see you.

Been a minute.

Yeah, man. What's up?

I still have you on the schedule.

We have a 60-day probation
period, so he's still good.

Um, Jode, I should tell
you that I'm quitting.

- Oh, man.
- Yeah.

Hey, guys, Chip quit. Who
wants to work on Saturday?

You know what? I may
have somebody for you.

This is, uh, Trinity,

and she is a really good chef

and makes a k*ller hotdog.

Okay. Cool.

I really like your tattoos.

- You do?
- Yeah, it's cool.

So you ever done the fast food thing?

Oh, yeah. I worked at a Starbucks,

like, a long, long time ago.

That's great.

Sorry. Like, what's going on?

You're, like, trying to
get me a job at Arby's?

Jode and I go way back.

He's a good guy.

He's a... a gigolo?

- Juggolo.
- Juggolo.

- He's a juggolo.
- No way.

- Yeah.
- Whoo-whoo.

Hey, ICP. That's my true family.

- That's...
- Family. Family, yeah.

Family.

Hey, what kind of meat you like?

Beef, pork, steak?

I'm a vegetarian.

We got liquid cheese.

We'll have one cup of liquid cheese

and an application, please.

Ishmael, cup of cheese.

And a application.

He's putting the application in a cup.

Not the application. The cheese.

Ah, man. One minute.

[revving]

I want to be with you.

You are with me.

No. You know.

Heath, uh, I don't...

- What are you doing?
- Shh.

I don't... We talked about this.

- Shh.
- I don't...

[belt buckle unfastens]

- I'm not sure if I...
- [horn honking]

- I got to go.
- But, Sarah...

Where are you going?

Sarah.

What the hell.

Hi, guys.

Is Keith here?

You mean Heath?

Heath, Keith. Does not matter.

You guys have a mimosa, by chance?

Sarah. Sarah!

Hey, Keith.

I thought that was your motorsickle.

I got a van full of stuff

for you skateboarders and ragamuffins.

- Dad.
- Yeah, man, sure, totally.

- Hopefully you...
- It's Heath, by the way.

Oh, yeah. Heath, Keith. Whatever it is.

So I got safety stuff...

helmets and protection for everybody.

Let's see, what have we got here?

Who likes Wonder Bread?

There we go.

And some prophylactics, gentlemen?

Now, these have been in the car,

so they probably have a little bit

of stretchability to them,
if you know what I mean,

for your old penis.

Dad...

And, Sarah, I got you
one with hearts on it.

There you go.

What are you doing?

I'm just, uh...

you know. I think it's important

for everybody to protect themselves.

You know, you guys, have a good time,

but protection is... is key.

Okay, I'm out of here. [grunt]

Oh, my God.

- Dad.
- Yes.

Can you maybe give me a ride back?

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, Come on in.

Sarah, where are you going?

- I got to go.
- Sarah,

your dad sucks.

Dude, what the hell do
you think you're doing?

You're taking her away? That's bullshit.

Oh, he's got a mouth on him, does he?

Well, you ever seen one of these, son?

It's called a g*n, and anybody
can get on in this country.

It's super easy, and all
I got to do is just...

- [g*nsh*t]
- [pot shatters]

You can get another one
of those at Pottery Barn.

Sarah, get in.

It's locked.

Don't move!

Don't you move!

Loaded Italian?

Uh, Limited Time Only menu?

Close. Signature.

Forget it. No, man, I can't do this.

Like, I'm not cut out for this.

Relax. You sound like
Chip on his first day.

I got you. Arby's
takes care of their own.

Thanks, Arby.

Study up. It's all
good. You're doing good.

Thanks for bringing
Trinity in on this, man.

Dude, she is beautiful.

Hey, don't get weird.

Be a good kid. She needs this.

- Here we go.
- [honk honk]

- See you.
- Okay.

Hey, Sarah?

I love you.

I love you, too, Dad.

Remember to remind your mother of that

from time to time. It would help me out.

- Okay?
- Okay.

Wear your helmet.

[chuckle]

[knock on door]

Oh, hey, Christine. Come on in.

I'm just finishing a lousy burger

and worse fries, cold fries.
You want some cold fries?

No, thank you.

And watching this moron.

- Oh, God, is she awful.
- about grace.

She's really a bitch.

I'm not talking about
grace from above.

- Grace who?
- I'm not talking

about a friend that you have.

I'm talking about

the student loan grace period.

Now, you know...

I went down and saw Herb today

and learned something very interesting.

- Uh-huh.
- Apparently,

you already got your share.

What are you talking about?

Dad got you a Quizno's franchise.

I got a toaster when I got married.

Dad paid for your college.

I was a cheerleader.

Dad bought you a fancy new car.

I drove a jalopy.

- [chuckle]
- Dad bought you all that stuff

because you were the boy in the family.

I was the girl. I got nothing.

- No.
- That's true.

He treated us the same.

But Mom didn't see it that way.

She kept track of each
thing that Dad bought you.

Everything that Dad did for you,

Mom made sure to write it down.

Oh, Mom.

And that's why she
left everything to me,

including the house.

Oh, that's rich.

What are you going to do
with all that money, huh?

That's not your concern.

You have no idea about finance.

I'm a businessman.

I've watched you since I got here,

and you know what?
You don't have a clue.

You've been spending money willy-nilly

in the Costco, buying every
flavor of drink that they had.

Looked like a rainbow
in that garage of yours,

packed to the top.

If somebody gave you
a Quizno's franchise.

you'd run it into the ground.

Jim, that doesn't concern you.

Have you ever made a
sound financial decision

in your entire life?

I never had a chance
to make any decision,

but now I do, and I'm going to make it.

And I'm going to do what I want.

I'm going to live my life.

And I'm going to thank
Mom every day for it

because she made it
fair. She made it equal.

And another thing.

Suzy Orman is not a bitch.

She's a classy blonde.

Oh. Hi.

Oh, do you want to go in here?

Okay.

Housekeeping!

- [door bell jingles]
- Well, that was a wild one.

How did the, uh, trustees meeting go?

Well, there was...

The beginning, they had small talk,

and, uh, they made
comments on the pastries.

Good. Are there any left?

No. And there was a general sense

that the college was not going in the...

was going in a bad direction.

They were all pretty miffed
about you not being there.

Well, I mean, you told them I
had a family emergency, right?

You told Donnie and Pauline
and Carla that, right?

Yes. Then they took a vote

and decided to remove you as president.

Remove me as...

It's Baskets Career
College, as in Dale Baskets.

I mean, come on.

The bylaws say they can.

The bylaws?

And the articles of a
for-profit college are...

Who's going to run it?

Who's going to run the thing?

I mean, honestly.

They took a vote,

and they chose me.

They chose you?

Yep.

Me.

Trish, I mean, you're...

you're my most loyal friend here.

It was more money.

Yeah, but I'm a white male.

I'm supposed to make
more money than you.

Not anymore.

Have you ever been
president of anything?

No.

Okay, Christine, I'll need your I.D.

and a copy of the death certificate.

Here you go.

Thank you.

Okay.

Okay, your deposit is all set.

Is there anything else
I can help you with?

- That's it?
- Yes, ma'am.

Oh.

Uh, thank you.

My pleasure.

My mom d*ed, you know.

I guess that makes me an orphan.

So sorry to hear that.

She believed in me, you know.

She really believe in me.

That's why she... [sniffle]...

you know, she knew I could handle this.

She... She lo... [cough]...

She loved... [sobbing]... She loved me.

She really loved me.

Oh. I beg your...

Sorry.

Oh, look at that.

Is that... Is that
you and your daughter?

- Mm-hmm.
- So cute.

Oh, I love you. I love her.

Oh, thank you so much. I love everybody.

Oh, you're so tiny.

How did that get that baby out of you?

Oh. Ha ha.

I don't know. Isn't this crazy?

I don't even know you.

Oh.

Can I get a picture with you?

I don't want to forget this.

Do you like selfies?

Hey. Does somebody at the
bank know how to use a iPad?

I want to get a photo with everyone.

Sorry. I'm a wreck!

Ha ha ha!

Yeah.

[no audible dialogue]