03x10 - New Year's Eve

[bunniefuu]

Dale kept mouthing off,

and I slapped him.

DALE: I'm gonna sue you, you...

Is he suing me?

I just want to ask you
for your forgiveness.

Just go home, Ken.

- Just go home.
- [KNOCK AT DOOR]

Oh.

- What are you doing here?
- [HORN HONKS]

Hey, good news, everybody!

I'm engaged!

And she's got a Jeep.

This is Shannon.

She wears a tube top. It's her thing.

♪

MRS. BASKETS: I feel like we're
going to run into a polar bear.

- [LAUGHS]
- CHIP: How do I have five bars

but-but no service?

Oh!

- Are you okay, Chip?
- Yes, Mom.

- I'm fine.
- You get your seat belt on?

- Yes, Mom. I'm fine. Thank you.
- What's that,

- a woodchuck or a wolverine or something?
- Where? Where?

Right there. He just scurried away.

- Oh, wow.
- Where?

Oh, beautiful.

God.

- Is that a fox?
- MRS. BASKETS: Ah!

- Beaver.
- KEN: A beaver? Where?

- CHIP: Where?
- Right there. I saw him.

- He was getting a stick.
- KEN: Oh.

Have you seen the pictures of the cabin?

I mean, it's amazing.

Full deck, hot tub.

- Hot tub?
- And it's... Yes.

And it's all-inclusive, and
it's fully stocked, Chip,

with food and everything.

- Oh, it's stocked with food.
- Yeah.

I don't care where it is

or what it has or any of that

as long as we're all
together on New Year's.

Oh, and I have an addition to it.

I was at the dollar store,
and I couldn't resist.

- I got us these! For New Year's.
- [KEN LAUGHING]

2009?

I know, 2009, but still.

I mean, I didn't want to
look through a one, anyway.

If I would've got the right one.

Well, maybe it'll become fashionable again.

Oh, these cabins look so rustic.

Kind of makes you realize

how cosmopolitan Bakersfield is.

[SIGHS]

I can't really make out
the addresses on the cabins.

Well, it's got to be around here somewhere.

- Just look for the big cabin with...
- Oh, look, look, look.

There. That's the tube top
lady's Jeep right there.

MRS. BASKETS: Oh, yeah.

KEN: Yeah.

That's the cabin?

This is not like the pictures.

Oh, I think it's cute.

Dale, Shannon, we're here!

I'm gonna call the owner.

This isn't right.

The asbestos is making me horny. Come on.

Hello, Mother.

- Hi.
- Hello, Chip.

Hey, Dale.

That's all I'm gonna say hello to.

Hi, Dale.

Mom, you remember, uh,

- Shannon.
- Hey, y'all.

Yeah. Hi, Shannon.

It's only like the
heat's on in the bedroom.

It's cold out here.

Well, that's the sex heat.

- Mm.
- Real, uh, bummer of a cabin, Ken.

Shannon deserves better than this.

- You deserve better than this.
- I do. I can't wait

for you to get your Dodge Viper.

Well, as soon as Craig calls me
from the dealership, you'll...

you'll be behind the wheel
of that Viper. [SLURPS]

We took the master bedroom.

There's some, uh, bunk beds

in the other rooms, so...

Dale, Ken paid for the whole cabin.

We should get the master bedroom.

Well, Mom,

as the expression goes,

if you're a loser, you're a snoozer.

So, we're off.

- Ooh.
- Yeah.

And, yes, we did try out the bunk beds.

[SHANNON AND DALE LAUGHING
AND SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

I can't get no service.

Well, we're in the middle of nowhere.

KEN: They said it was

fully stocked with food.

Maybe there's a chest or freezer.

I don't know.

You and Mom want that bed?

Maybe I'll text

Ivy and Monica. They're
on their way up here.

Maybe they can bring some food.

Hey, board games.

KEN: Oh, great.

That'll give us something to do.

They have, uh, Chutes and Ladders.

Chinese checkers.

- Regular checkers.
- Hey, Chip.

They have Twister.

Could you imagine Mom playing Twister?

No, I can't imagine that. Uh, Chip.

They have Hungry Hippo, too.

Oh, yeah. Darla loved that game.

- Parcheesi.
- Chip, listen to me.

- Uh, I'm gonna ask you something.
- Mm-hmm.

Well, you know how I feel

- about your mom, right?
- I do.

I mean, that week when...

that we weren't together, I was wrecked.

Yeah.

And part of me renting this cabin

and bringing everybody up here was so...

Well, it was so I could propose.

Propose what?

Marriage. To your mom.

And I wanted to make
sure I had your blessing.

Yeah.

S-So you want to be my dad?

Well, n-not exactly.

I don't know. I... Yeah.

Yeah.

Okay.

Sure, you have my blessing.

- Really?
- Yeah.

- Should we... I guess we'll hug.
- I guess.

- Do me a favor, though.
- What?

Don't k*ll yourself like my birth dad did.

Okay.

I'll take this.

I should just...

- Should I just call you Ken, though?
- Yeah.

Ken is fine.

All right, Dad... um, Ken.

Should I call you "son" or just Chipper?

Just don't call me Dale.

Fair enough.

There she is.

- Oh.
- My soon-to-be daughter-in-law.

Yeah.

Mm-hmm.

So, where are you from?

- Florida.
- Yeah?

Oh, you like that stuff,

don't you?

Oh, yeah. It gives you wings.

[CHUCKLES] I don't think
I've ever tasted Red Bull.

Yeah. Why not?

You only live once, right?

Well...

- Pretty can.
- Mm-hmm.

Oh.

Has a little kick to it, huh?

- Geez.
- Mm-hmm.

Hey, uh,

how many times you been married?

Couple times.

[CHUCKLES] I had a feeling.

- Yeah.
- I got a couple kids.

- Oh.
- Uh, had the first one when I was 14.

- Oh, my goodness.
- I know.

- And you and Dale, huh?
- Well...

- It's a whirlwind.
- Well, yeah.

I mean, he's kind of a
project. You know, they all are.

Yeah. Ain't that the truth, huh?

Yeah.

You gonna finish that?

I don't think I am a Red Bull girl.

I think you're more of a Red Bull girl.

Oh, yeah. You don't want to waste that.

Yeah. Yeah, no. You
don't want to waste that.

- No.
- No.

Well, good talk.

Yeah.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

DALE: Whoever it is, I'm trying to sleep.

Come in!

Oh. It's you.

I'm not sure I want a
slapping madman at my door.

Dale, please. I'm trying to get past this.

Well, I don't know if I'm the kind of guy

that gets past things.

- Dale, please.
- Will you stop yelling?

Please.

I'd like to ask you something important.

[SIGHS]

What?!

- [DOOR]
- They're here.

Hey!

- You made it.
- Hi, Daddy. Yes, we did.

- MRS. BASKETS: My girls!
- MONICA: Oh, Christine.

Hi. How are you?

MRS. BASKETS: Oh, you're looking beautiful.

- Thank you. So do you.
- Oh, thank you. You do, too.

This is my son Dale.

- IVY AND MONICA: Hi, Dale.
- Uh, Chip.

- Hi, Chip.
- MRS. BASKETS: Oh, Chip. Oh!

- Chip.
- Sorry, Chip.

Oh. Oh, you brought the food!

- KEN: You got my texts, huh?
- [CHAMPAGNE CORK POPS]

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

MRS. BASKETS: Try the
pineapple. It's so delicious.

I'm trying to stay away from,
from so much sugar, though.

- MRS. BASKETS: It's so good.
- IVY: I know.

- [SLURPING LOUDLY]
- MRS. BASKETS: Isn't it great?

- Oh, my God, I love your hair.
- MRS. BASKETS: Oh.

Oh, it's so long.

- Ooh, please don't touch me.
- Well...

That's Dale's fiancée.

MONICA: Hey.

- IVY: Hi.
- SHANNON: Hi, hi.

- Hey, Ken, you want a Triscuit?
- No, I don't want a Triscuit.

- Mmm, Ritz?
- No, just... I-I...

No, thank you.

[INDISTINCT CHATTER AND LAUGHTER]

Is this about Mom?

When are you gonna ask her?

I tried Red Bull for the first
time, can you believe that?

I don't know if it's
even the right time, Chip.

- Why? This is perfect.
- No.

Well, because...

Dale told me earlier

that he doesn't want me to marry your mom.

- Dale.
- Yeah.

Can I have a word with you?

- No. No, thank you.
- Dale.

- It's twin stuff.
- Twin stuff?

Let's go. Please.

Sure.

I got to go speak to Chud.

That's a cross between Chip and Dud.

I came up with that.

What do you want?

I have nothing under this robe

except my genitalia and a tattoo.

Did you tell Ken that
he can't propose to Mom?

Oh, so you're gonna
endorse a face spanker? Huh?

You want that in our family?
Is that what you want?

Somebody that's always
smacking you in the face?

'Cause you're gonna get
it, too. You are. [WINCES]

Dale, you can't do this.

It's none of your business, okay?

It's, uh, that's Mom's business.

Look, the only person getting
married around here is me.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

I have a honeymoon/family
reunion to get back to.

Wait, so I'm just supposed
to eat the marbles, right?

Yeah. You're just a
hippo. You're just trying

to eat the balls; it's
not that complicated.

- So, uh, how did you guys meet?
- At a bar.

- I'm kind of a rodeo groupie.
- KEN: Really?

Well, then, you're just
gonna love Christine's rodeo.

Christine's rodeo?

KEN: Yeah.

You told me you owned the rodeo.

Well, um...

No, uh, well, Mother
is the ceremonial head,

uh, the face of the, of the rodeo,

and I'm, uh, I work the finances.

Thanks a lot, Ken.

You still bull-riding?

- Bull-riding?
- [DALE CHUCKLES]

Let's... What difference does it make?

Let's play. Come on.

You told me you owned the rodeo

and all these people work for you.

I don't work for him.

I sell carpet.

SHANNON: He said that he
owned this fancy rodeo,

and that all of you people

and then the other people worked for you.

He said that he was
getting that Dodge Viper.

Okay, well, I don't understand what the...

- You might get the Dodge Viper.
- And he said he was real,

real good at the bull-riding,
and I was gonna watch it.

And then maybe we're gonna have, like...

Why all the questions? Let's
play some Hungry Hippo here.

What's with all the questions?

I mean, these sound like
questions of a gold digger.

- What'd you call me?
- I didn't call you anything.

I said it sounds like the
questions of a gold digger.

Oh. Well...

You called me a gold digger, did you?

I didn't...

Hey, I was winning!

Where are you going?

I'm going back to Florida.

We're not moving to Florida.

Oh, God. You're not coming with me.

Shannon.

Shannon!

g*dd*mn marbles. Shannon?

[GRUMBLING]

- Shannon!
- [ENGINE STARTS]

Shannon! Shannon!

Shannon!

Shanny!

Let me have your keys, please.

I need the keys to Mom's car.

That car is a two-wheel drive, man.

- It won't... It won't...
- My "fiance" just left me!

Give me the keys. Thank you.

- Come on, come on.
- [ENGINE STARTS]

Come on.

[ENGINE REVVING]

KEN: Told you the thing wouldn't go.

Dale.

Get out, please.

Leave me be, Chip, leave me be.

Dale, come on, get out, please.

We can fix this.

[ENGINE CONTINUES REVVING]

Just get out of the car so we can talk.

Wha... What?

[GROANS]

God.

Ow! Okay, okay. All right, that's enough.

That's enough. God.

- Dale.
- I mean, this is embarrassing.

- It's embarrassing?
- We barely know those people.

We're fighting like idiots.

Boys.

- Mom, stay out of this.
- What do you have to say?

My lady has left me.

This is an embarrassment to who I am!

What is going on?

You got to stop blaming people.

You got to stop blaming Ken.
You got to stop suing mom.

You got to stop being an assh*le
just because you're unhappy.

Oh, yeah? Oh, yeah, that's
me. Uh, everything's my fault!

Well, you know what? Maybe I am worthless!

Maybe this family would
be better without me!

[SPITS]

Shannon!

- Dale.
- I'll be back.

Don't go.

DALE [CRYING HYSTERICALLY]: Shannon!

Dale, don't go. You'll freeze to death.

Dale.

There's bears.

Oh, my God.

- I'll get him, Christine.
- Oh...

Are you okay, Chip?

Mom, he's got an a*.

[MRS. BASKETS STAMMERS]

For protection maybe, I don't know.

There's some more over here.

- Oh, uh-oh.
- IVY: What?

I think the heat just went
out. It's just blowing cold air.

Well, maybe it's
something with the furnace.

- [SIGHS]
- CHIP: Um, okay.

I'll, uh... Maybe it's
outside. I'll go check.

- IVY: Thank you.
- Yeah.

Isn't it weird that
we're looking for marbles,

and all I can think about

is Dale's out there all alone? Geez.

- Oh, Dad'll find him.
- You think so?

Yes, I do. I ran off more than once

when I was a kid, and he always found me.

[CREAKING, ZAPPING]

- Ah!
- Ooh.

- Did you hear that?
- Yeah.

- What was that?
- That was...

- loud.
- Yes.

I couldn't get it working.

Oh, honey!

Are you okay?

Yeah. Why?

- MRS. BASKETS: Oh.
- MONICA: Mm. That's better.

- Yes.
- Yeah.

MONICA: Mmm.

[SIGHS]

[SIGHS SOFTLY]

Christine, you doing okay?

Oh, I'm worried about Dale.

The last time I saw my husband,

we had a big fight and a blowout.

And, usually, he just
stormed out of the house.

But this time he stopped
and looked at me and said,

"Maybe this family would
be better without me."

And, uh...

and now... I'm worried about Dale.

Dale's gonna be fine.

MRS. BASKETS: You don't know that, Chip.

Dale's not dead... I mean,
Dad. I mean, he's not...

he's not dead or Dad.

- He's just...
- [SIGHS]

He's just ha... Look, he's...

having a tantrum.

That's it.

He'll be fine.

I just want to make sure he's okay.

Mum, you can't...

keep worrying about us. Okay?

You can't just...

fix us.

You bought a rodeo to try to
fix us and-and, you know...

We're grown men.

[SIGHS]

We have to fix ourselves.

What a disaster this weekend was.

What do you mean?

Oh, I wanted us to all have a good time

and a real great family experience,

so you girls would be okay

with me dating your dad.

- Um...
- [CHUCKLES] Christine,

first of all, I'm 43.

We're grown.

You're not in charge of
making this trip fun for us.

- No.
- And, secondly, we already like you.

- You do? Thank you.
- Yes. Yes.

- Thank you, girls.
- We like you. [CHUCKLES]

What is that?

I'm gonna lock my door.

Oh, my God. Play dead.

- Play dead? I can't play...
- Play dead.

[KNOCKING]

MAN: Ma'am?

- [KNOCKING]
- She's dead!

Do you need a tow?

Oh, God.

What are y'all doing in my driveway?

What are we doing in your driveway?

KEN: Dale?

[WIND BLOWING]

Dale!

[DALE SHUDDERING]

Dale?

[SHUDDERING]

This must make you real
happy to see me like this.

You win, Ken. Everybody loves Ken.

Come on, Dale. Let's go home, man.

- Just leave me out here!
- Dale,

it's 20 degrees. You'll freeze out here.

Well, just let me freeze, okay?

Let me freeze.

[PANTING]

[MUTTERS]

[PANTING]

I can't go in there.

I can't go and face them.

[PANTING]

Then we won't go back to the cabin.

There you go.

Let's go get something to drink.

What you think, huh?

Come on, now.

She was the love of my life.

Really?

No, probably not.

You know you can't force these things.

You just got to live your life.

You'll meet somebody.

I'm starting to think that
I might just die alone.

[SNORTS]

Hey, I've been there, too. Believe me.

The moment you think you'll
never meet anybody ever again,

suddenly you'll look up,

and there they'll be.

Sorry I slapped you.

It's okay.

I probably slapped a hundred
people in my life in the face.

Flight attendant,

s-stenographer,

a bailiff,

greeter at Walmart. [GRUNTS]

You know, your mom's probably
worried sick about you.

I don't know about that.

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

You think you're about ready to go back?

I...

[VOICE BREAKING]: I don't know
if you'd want to have me back.

Dale.

Dale,

no matter what happens, you're family.

They know that.

Yeah?

[PHONE RINGS]

- [WHIMPERS, SOBS]
- That's her calling now.

Yes, Christine.

Yes, he's here. He's fine.

No.

Yeah, we're about to head
back to the cabin now.

Wait, what?

KEN: Now, this looks
more like the pictures.

DALE: Well, that explains why
we had to break that back window

in the other cabin.

[SIGHS]

It's cold.

I'm just stalling going in there.

I can't... I can't... I don't know.

[EXHALES]

- What time is it?
- [SNIFFLES]

I think it's close to midnight.

I just want to tell you
you have my blessing.

Really?

Well, somebody around
here has to get married.

Can I ask you a question, though?

Sure.

Are you a gold digger?

[LAUGHS]

No.

I didn't think you were.

We ain't got the money.

- [LAUGHS]
- Okay, you ready?

- Let's do it.
- Okay.

- MONICA: New Year, let's go.
- IVY: Yes.

We don't want to miss the
countdown... oh, hello.

- Hi, Mom.
- Oh.

MONICA: Listen, don't forget
to give him these glasses.

- Okay.
- That's so great.

[OVERLAPPING CHATTER]

- Come on!
- Yes, come on.

- New Year.
- Ah!

- Ah, there's your glass.
- Hey, Dale.

- DALE: Hey, Chip.
- Thank you.

IVY: Glasses on.

- [RINGTONE PLAYING]
- ALL: Ten!

Nine! Eight!

- Hello?
- PENELOPE [OVER PHONE]: Chip.

- Hey, Penelope.
- Seven! Six!

- PENELOPE: Happy New Year.
- Five! Four!

Christine.

- I want to ask you something.
- Three!

- Two! One!
- What?