04x07 - Housewarming

[bunniefuu]

Hey, Mom.

Oh, honey, thanks for
picking up the rest

- of the wedding party things.
- You're welcome.

Did they give you any hassle
about the coupons?

I didn't use them.
It was too embarrassing.

Honey... Honey...

I spent all day
cutting those out.

Oh, God, look at the time.

I gotta get ready.
I look like a nut!

Ken's gonna be here,
and I look crazy.

Honey, what do you think?

Put one of these
on the piano?

Oh, you got a piano.

- Yes.
- That's fun.

Came with the, uh,
jazz trio.

You know, I'm going to walk
down the aisle to Coltrane.

Oh, that's nice.

Yeah, Ken picked it out.

It seems right,

- you know?
- Mm-hmm.

Ah, speak of the devil.

Ken?

Are you on the plane,
honey?

Well, about that, Christine,
um, I missed my flight.

This carpet recall thing
is taking

a lot longer than
I thought.

Oh, honey, I'm sorry.

Bottom line is
I'm on the last flight,

and I don't know
if it'll even get me

there on time.
I'm thinking

maybe once
I'm on the flight,

I could buy Internet,

and we could Skype
to each other and,

I don't know,
maybe we can, uh,

exchange
vows over Skype.

- I-I don't know.
- Oh, honey,

that never works on a plane.
You know?

That's not gonna work out
at all.

Well...

Uh...

You know what, honey?

We can get married anytime.

It sounds like
you're really needed there.

I want you to stay there.

I mean, are you sure?

I mean, really,
are you okay with that?

You know what?

I'll change this into
a housewarming party, honey.

- Oh, Christine.
- You know, what's the difference?

Honey, I wanted you to have
your special wedding,

like we planned.

Oh, honey, I have you,

and that's all I want.

You take care of that,
and it'll all work out.

Christine,
you are amazing, baby.

- Have a good housewarming.
- Take care.

Good luck with the recall,
honey.

- Love you, my bride.
- Love you.

I'm sorry, Mom.

Oh. Things happen,
honey, in life.

You okay?

Yeah.

Okay, good.

Well, since there's
no wedding, I guess I'll get

an early start on my gig
at the hospital,

- if that's okay.
- Yeah.

Hey, honey, I'm really glad
you're doing that.

You really cheer
those kids up.

They really need something
like that right now.

And you're good at it,
and you're an artist, honey.

Thanks, Mom.
Thank you.

Hi.

Hey, Doctor.

Hey, patient.

Hello, Nurse.

Afternoon to you...

Hello, Tyler!

How are you?

Well, I'm in the hospital,
so...

Hello?

Yeah, she's here.
I'll let you talk to her.

Banana phone.

Well, I have
an actual phone.

Okay.

All right.

Uh, I left something
down in the basement.

I'm gonna go get it.
I'll be right back.

Something in the basement.

Oh, I found it.

I know it's not
actual water,

I've seen
the Harlem Globetrotters.

You can go now.

Your smart-ass attitude
is not going to get you

into a good college.

- Yeah, hello?
- Hey, Chip.

What's that?

Yeah.

Hey, Chip. How you doing?

Actually,
I'm having a tricky time

with my grief clowning.

- Oh, this kid is tricky.
- Listen, Chip,

I just wanted to check in
to make sure

that your mom
isn't still upset

about me not being there
for the wedding.

- Well, she-she seems fine.
- Really?

Now, you would tell me,
Chip, if she wasn't?

I mean, she's not just
putting on a brave face?

Yeah, I'd tell you.
I'm not a good liar.

- Actually, that's a lie.
- Well, you know

- I would be there if I could.
- Yeah, I know that.

Amanda!
Why are you still here?

You should be on your way
to Boulder!

Chip, I gotta go.

Yeah, I gotta go, too.
I gotta get back

- to my clowning emergency.
- Yeah, well,

good luck with your
clowning emergency.

Okay, bye.

Thank you.

Oh, God.

Well, it's really
the same thing.

It's just gonna be
a housewarming now.

Yeah, o-okay,
no problem.

D-Do you need to talk
about this?

- It-it-it seems like a lot.
- No.

But please come to the
housewarming and have some

delicious
housewarming cake.

Oh, Christine,
you must be crushed.

For what? Ken just had
a carpet emergency.

Well, my ex-husband had
a carpet emergency, too.

She was 26 years old.

No, Carol. What-what I don't
think you understand is,

I don't need the jazz trio.

And it's gonna be $67.50
for the cramp medicine,

cigarettes, adult diapers,
nicotine gum, please.

You still smoking and chewing
the nicotine gum

at the same time, Fred?

What's going on with you?
Thanks so much.

Have a good one, buddy.

Not during business ours, Mama.
Stanley.

I've been giving you free
Internet for-for way too long.

I'd say to the tune
of about 500 smackeroos. Okay?

I need to get a wedding gift
for my mom.

What do you got for me?

Well, I got a golf cart that
used to belong to Gary Busey.

I got it at auction.

Gary Busey? Hmm.

My mom did love that Buddy
Hollymovie he was in.

She loves golf carts.

It's a very practical gift.

I'll throw in a fox-fur
lap blanket.

Done deal, I'll take 'em both.

Wonderful, thanks so much.
Next!

How you doing, Cotton?

Okay, where were we?
Oh, yeah, I remember.

- Hey!
- Oh, let me get that off of you.

What's your problem?
Let me help you get that off...

Hey, stop!

- Isn't this funny?
- You're not funny!

- Well, I just... it's just...
- I'm gonna call the nurse.

Why? Don't call...
Please don't call the nurse.

- Nurse, please come in.
- Nur... okay,

- don't call the... no nurses.
- Nurses' station.

- What do you need?
- There's a scary hobo

in my room.

I'm not a ho... I'm a clown.

I-I'm a clown.
This is a costume.

- Okay...
- Forget it.

Oh, my God.
Are you okay?

Yeah, I'll let you talk to her.

Ew!

How'd it go in the kids ward?

I've had better shows.

Yeah, it's tricky now, right?

Uh, what do you mean?

The kids these days.

All they've seen in,
like, movies,

video games is all scary
clowns, k*ller clowns. You know?

Like the Joker
and the, like, It.

I mean, even in real life,
like the... what's his name,

John Wayne.
Um, the m*rder*r.

He's a m*rder*r,

- and he wore clown makeup.
- What?

- John Wayne was a clown?
- John Wayne Gacy.

John Wayne Gacy.
I think that's the airport.

- Is it?
- Doesn't matter.

The fact is, you're in a world
where no child

has seen Bozo, and every child
has seen murdering clowns.

But I...
I'm an old-fashioned clown.

- I'm a traditionalist.
- Yeah, you are.

And that's why, like,
I wear this for the other wards.

Like, the old people
who are, frankly, dying.

But I got a new look
for the kiddos.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
what are you doing?

- Boom.
- Oh, dear.

- What are you, Pantyhose Man?
- No.

Turtleneck Man?

I call it Spiderweb Man.

- Spiderweb Man?
- It's a superhero.

They're based on the best of us.

Right? Clowns are based
on a homeless person.

What are you talking about?

Oh. I made this.

Look.

You can... you can borrow that.

- Who is that, Mitt Romney?
- No, it's Superhero Man.

You put that on,
kids are gonna go crazy.

You'll get laughs.

Remember those?

Martha, thanks for
coming in early to help.

Really appreciate it.

Sure, Mrs. Baskets.
I want to be here for you

in your time of need.

- Is Chip coming?
- Oh, I'm sure he is.

But, you know,
he is clowning at the hospital.

Oh, I didn't realize
he was clowning again.

That's great.

Oh, he didn't tell you?
That surprises me.

Well, he is so busy,
it really doesn't surpri...

Oh, God, this won't work.

Martha, will you go get
the Monopoly game

in the game room?

Sure. You have a game room?

I do. It's right next
to the gift-wrapping room.

- Okay.
- Christine!

Oh, Jim!

- Ah...
- It's so good to see you.

So, where-where's that schmuck
who canceled on you, huh?

- I'll k*ll him.
- Oh, it's not like that, honey.

He's very busy.
He's got a lot of carpet returns.

He's the Carpet King...
He's got to take care

- of business.
- Yeah, well, I'll tell you,

I would never cancel my own wedding,
I'll tell you that.

Will you stop it?
You're a businessman.

Of all people,
you should know about this.

This isn't business.

This is a family wedding.

- Mom!
- Ah, my twins!

Hey!

- Mmm...!
- Oh!

What is that cologne?
Is that your own brand?

Yeah.

Oh, I always wanted
my own brand of something.

- That's so great.
- We're glad you like it.

But, Mom, um,
how you feeling?

If someone canceled my wedding,
I would be crying.

It's not like that.
Everything's okay.

And I still want you
to deejay.

This is gonna be
a fun housewarming, everyone.

We don't want
to raise the vibe in here

if it's just a way for you
to escape your feelings.

- I'm fine.
- Christine,

listen to him.

Don't be a martyr.

This is my second marriage.

I'm not a martyr.

Everybody relax.

Let's have a good time.

All right? I want big smiles.

- All right.
- That's better.

All right.

So, what's up, Unc,
how you been?

How do you tell who's who?

Look out...!

Whoa!

Hi.

Oh, my God!

Ah! Hi. How are you?

Hi. I'm good.

I'll do something else, okay?

- Uh...
- Okay.

You like that?
See my big muscles?

Here you go. Ha!

Can you do more?

Uh...

You know what?
I can't... I can't, uh...

- You again?
- Yes, Tyler,

it is me again, yes.

I just, uh, was trying
to entertain you...

Put the mask back on
and do it again.

Uh, you know, this-this
character's not talking to me.

I-I don't know
what to do with him...

Put it on!

Look, Tyler...

I'm just trying to find some...

some good through my art,
some meaning.

You know? And as a clown,
I can find that meaning.

And dressed like this...

I-I just... I can't even believe

I'm having an existential crisis

in front of a six-year-old.

I'm 12.

Oh.

Well, no wonder
you don't like clowns.

My-my-my point being is that...

you shouldn't judge a book
by its cover.

Just 'cause a-a guy's dressed
as a clown

doesn't mean he doesn't have
something to offer.

And just 'cause someone
is a superhero,

it doesn't mean
that they're super.

Okay?

That's all I want to say.

And thanks a lot
for ruining my month.

Wha... I'm the one
in the hospital.

That's not music.

Well, but sometimes giving
a sermon's kind of like

- doing a HALO jump...
- Christine.

- What?
- I'm worried about you.

Oh, don't worry about me.
I'm fine.

I wouldn't be having a party
if I wasn't fine.

- Eh...
- This is a rental, people.

Let's use our coasters.

I'm worried about this...
flaky Ken guy.

He's not flaky.

He's having
a carpet emergency.

Now, go mingle with people.

- Okay, okay, okay.
- Cheer 'em up.

- Nothing like a woman scorned.
- Oh, God.

- Chip!
- Hey, Mom. Sorry I'm late.

No worries.
Just grab a drink,

maybe take someone
on a tour of the house.

Okay.

Hey, I heard
you're giving house tours.

Yeah, I am.

Do you always bring
board gamesto weddings?

It's a housewarming.

Kitchen.

Uh... kitchen island,
where you put stuff.

You can put that there
if you want.

- Oh, thanks.
- Um... here's the fridge.

Oh, wow, is that one
of those smart refrigerators

you can hook up to your phone?

No, I think it's a dumb one.
I don't know.

Uh, microwave.

Hey, I heard you're
clowning again. That's great.

No, I'm not...

Ooh. You all right?

I'm fine.
I'm not clowning again.

Where'd you hear that?

Well, I just heard it
through the grapevine.

The grapevine? Well,
sometimes grapevines are...

dead, Martha, and untruthful.

I just, you know, clowning is...

It's out of fashion. Spices.
Mom's got a lot of spice.

Well, I'm sorry, Chip.
That's a bummer.

- I know how much you love it.
- Cinnamon. Thyme.

What's your favorite spice?

Um, dill weed.

Really? I thought
it'd be more like, uh...

like a bay leaf.

Why?

Bad taste.

- Um, sink.
- Well... well, what are you

- gonna do now?
- Uh, this sink has,

um... got this cool hose.

It's, you know,
it's got everything you need.

- Plus the kitchen sink.
- Are you still talking to Tammy?

Do you think maybe
some life coaching would help?

I mean, I'm...

listening to Tammy's tapes
here and there, but I...

I'm fine, Martha, I'm fine.

Well, you'll figure it out.
I found a new life coach.

They have an in-house one
at Costco,

and he helped me plan out
my next five years.

Well, good.

Good, you got your life
all in order.

I'll show you upstairs.

- Um, there's a...
- Okay.

Hey, Chip, um,
you know, if you want

to talk about the clowning
stuff, I'm always here.

Well, you're not
a life coach, Martha.

I'm gonna go get a snack.

Hey! Chip.

I hear you're the new CEO
for the rodeo.

Yeah, Uncle Jim, I am.
I'm the CEO.

Yeah, just doing CEO duties now.

No more... no more clowning.

Eh, well, I'm gladyou
finally came to your senses.

Clowning's for clowns.

Hey, why don't I buy you
a drink, CEO to CEO? Huh?

- Okay.
- Come on.

Aren't the drinks for free?

- Martha!
- Hi, Mrs. Baskets.

How are you?
Can I get you a healthy wrap?

Oh, sure. Thanks, Mrs. Baskets.

Oh, look at Chip over there.
Doesn't he look lonely?

- Why don't you bring him a wrap?
- Oh, you know what?

I'm giving Chip
his space right now.

How are you doing?

I'm terrific.

Having a blast.

Isn't this something?

- Definitely.
- Yeah.

I think Ken would've
really liked it.

I'm sure he would want
to be here.

I mean, look at all this.

- Yeah.
- Christine,

what was the song that you
were gonna play for your first dance?

Oh, uh, what was it?

Oh, you probably don't know
it, but it's called, uh,

"Dedicated to the One I Love"

by The Mamas and the Papas.

Oh.-Oh, yeah.
Do you know that one?

I don't know... wait, wait, oh...

No, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Okay, okay, okay.

Cut that garbage off, huh?

♪ While I'm far away ♪

- ♪ From you, my baby... ♪
- Oh! I know it.

Yes! That one.

♪ I know it's hard
for you, my baby ♪

♪ Because it's hard for me ♪

♪ My baby ♪

♪ And the darkest hour
is just before dawn ♪

- ♪ Love can never be... ♪
- Oh, yeah.

♪ Exactly
like we want it to be ♪

♪ I could be satisfied ♪

♪ Knowing you love me ♪

♪ There's one thing
I want you to do... ♪

I can't.

♪ And it's something ♪

♪ That everybody needs ♪

♪ Each night before you go
to bed, my baby... ♪

- Want to dance?
- Oh.

Well, okay.

♪ For me, my baby, whoo... ♪

Ow, that's my foot, Mom.

- Oh.
- It's okay.

- I'm sorry, honey.
- You okay?

I guess. Yeah.

Yeah, I'm okay.

Hey, Mom! I came as soon
as my good clothes

- were dried off by the crick.
- Dale, you made it!

I'm so glad!

Hey, I didn't miss
the vows, did I?

Because I got you and Ken
the best wedding gift

on the most important day
of your life.

Oh, that's so nice, honey,
but, listen,

you didn't get my message,
obviously.

No. What message?
Hey, Martha. Hey, everybody.

I said that Ken had

a carpet emergency and that
we changed the wedding

into a housewarming party.

You turned it
into a housewarming... party?

Is this a prank, Mom?

- No.
- What is this?

Nobody turns a wedding into
a housewarming party, Mom.

That's evil.

- Hey, easy there, pal.
- "Easy, pal" to you, Uncle Jim.

What kind of man
cancels his wedding

on the day of the wedding?

Huh? Who is this Ken guy?

He sounds like a shyster.

He sounds like a scoundrel.

And just because I'm
a gentleman, I'm not gonna say

I told you so, but...

Well, you just did tell me so.

I told you so with my face,
but not verbally, okay?

- No, I heard it verbally, honey.
- Well, if there's no wedding,

there's no wedding gift.

I guess I'll have to get this
golf cart back to Gary Busey.

Yes. The Gary Busey.

This was his.

Dale, are you okay?

- Was that really Gary Busey's?
- Mother!

It's still light out.

You really have to go?

- Oh, honey, thanks.
- Are you gonna be okay?

- I hope so.
- Oh.

- Oh, thanks.
- I love you, sweetie.

- Ah...
- Oh, thank...

Oh, thank you
for the beautiful music.

- No-no problem.
- It was so good.

I'd pay good money
to see that show in Vegas.

- Golf cart in a pool?
- Oh...

- Get some rest!
- We got to go, Mom.

- Aw, you're leaving?
- Congrats on the house.

- Yeah, we love you, Mom.
- Oh...

Mmm.

Yeah, you didn't have
any of the, uh...

- the cake.
- Nah.

- There's a lot of housewarming cake.
- Hey, Mom.

- Nah, we good, Mom.
- Mom? -What?

Is it okay if I put plastic
plates in the dishwasher?

Oh.

Put everything in there.

Hello?

Anybody home?

Ken? What are you doing here?

Well, I thought about it,
and I just couldn't miss our big day.

I got to fly
right back out tomorrow,

but I wanted to be here tonight.

- Well, honey, it's over.
- Christine.

I told you I could fly back,
but you said no.

You said it was no big deal.

Well, it wasn't a big deal,
and then people started

coming up to me and saying,

"Are you okay, Christine?
Why isn't Ken here?

Where's Ken? I thought Ken
was gonna be here,"

so I felt so alone.

Well, they were probably just
being concerned about you.

And I realize now
that I should have been, too.

Oh, God.

My first marriage was a mess,
and now

my second marriage,
I'm not even to the "I do's..."

and it's a mess.

Christine, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry I missed today.

I made a big mistake
that I wish I hadn't made.

I guess I'm just not good at
juggling my business in Denver

and having my new life here.

Well... you missed quite a show.

Dale drove a golf cart
straight into the pool.

My brother
said he was gonna b*at you up,

and he was crazy.

And all my friends,
I found outthey can't carry a tune.

Why doesn't any of that
surprise me?

So, I guess if that's all okay,
I guess I could forgive you.

Christine,
let's get married tonight.

Tonight? Nobody's here.

Eh. Who cares?

Let's do it.

Just the two of us.

♪ While I'm far away from you ♪

♪ My baby ♪

♪ I know it's hard for you ♪

♪ My baby ♪

♪ Because it's hard for me ♪

♪ My baby ♪

- ♪ And the darkest hour... ♪
- I now pronounce thee

man and wife.

♪ Each night
before you go to bed ♪

♪ My baby ♪

♪ Whisper a little
prayer for me ♪

♪ My baby ♪

♪ And tell ♪

♪ All the stars above ♪

♪ This is dedicated
to the one I love ♪

♪ Love can never be ♪

♪ Exactly like
we want it to be ♪

♪ I could be satisfied ♪

♪ Knowing you love me ♪

♪ And there's one thing
I want you to do ♪

♪ Especially for me ♪

♪ And it's something ♪

♪ That everybody needs ♪

♪ While I'm far away from you ♪

♪ My baby ♪

♪ Whisper a little prayer
for me ♪

♪ My baby, yeah ♪

♪ Because... ♪