03x10 - Where There's a Willow There's a Way

[bunniefuu]

Hey, Grandma!

Still doing that puzzle?

Yep! 5,000 pieces,

three months of my life.

But my doctor says,

puzzles help reduce stress.

Why... won't... you... fit?!

Wanna help?

Uh...

this seems like a one-person thing.

Oh! Hey!

Vuuugle House just
got two comped tickets

for a concert by someone named...

DJ Miss Jockey?

DJ Miss Jockey? Are you serious?

DJ Miss Jockey is,
like, our favorite DJ.

She used to be DJ Mrs. Jockey,

but things between her and DJ Mr. Jockey

didn't work out. It's a long story.

That wasn't the long story?

Can Paige and I have the tickets?

Please? Please, please, please!

I'll make you a deal.

There's a bunch of stuff
around this house

that needs to get done.

Do it, and you can have the tickets

to DJ Stupid Name or whatever.

- Yay!
- No deal.

Uh, hang on.

Uh, dude!

- What are you doing?
- I'm not cleaning the house

to get those tickets.

We'll get them the old-fashioned way.

Wait till Grandma falls asleep,

then steal 'em!

Frankie, we can't do that.

You're right. They're e-tickets.

We'll have to steal her phone.

No, there's a lesson here.

There are no shortcuts in life.

Yeah, yeah. Is there a shorter
version of this lesson?

Frankie, Grandma offered us a fair deal.

Let's do the work,
and we'll get the tickets.

- Fine.
- Yay!

Grandma?

You got a deal!

All right, I'll start
cleaning the studio.

- Um, you take care of the kitchen.
- Okay.

I can... feel... the stress...
melting... away!

Bernie, are you sure
you don't wanna help?

Yeah, I'm good.

♪ Let's go make some videos ♪

♪ Hey! Hey! ♪

♪ Let's go make some videos ♪

♪ Hey! Hey! ♪

Bernie, move. I need the sink.

No can do.

I'm in the middle of some
very important work.

Constructing Mount Dishmore!

Look, all the presidents are here.

George Dishington,

Benedict Cumberdish.

Bernie, he's an actor, not a...

Why do I bother?

Hi, Bernie.

May I please use the sink
to wash my hands?

Of course you can, Willow.

The sink's all yours.

Let me get this silly
dish mountain out of the way.

Bernie, what the heck?

I just asked you the
exact same thing she did.

Did you?

When you asked, all I heard was...

But when she asked, all I heard was...

Aw!

Interesting.

Hey, Willow? I was, uh,

I was wondering if
you could do me a favor.

I love favors!

They're my third favorite
thing to do for people.

Besides giving unexpected compliments

and starting infectious giggle fits.

Great, because it
would really help me out

if you could ask Horse Face Guy

to take out the trash.

- Why?
- Excellent question.

See, I would do it,

but, uh, I just wanna do more

important things with my time, you know?

There are a lot of important things

to do around here.

Like, have you thought
about how this house

doesn't have a water conservation plan?

Have I!

That's exactly what I was referring to

when I mentioned important things!

- Great!
- Great!

So, the trash thing?

Consider it done, my friend.

Wow! That was infectious.

Excuse me, Horse Face Guy?

I can see you're super busy,

but do you mind taking out the garbage?

Oh my gosh!

Willow's magic!

Bernie, I got your text
to come down here,

but the spelling was horrible!

Cut me a break!

It's really hard to press
the letters with my crutches.

You know your hands still work, right?

Well, that'll make showering easier.

Anyweezy, I wanna show you something.

So, you know how
I started my own channel

called Bernie Calls the Schotz?

- No.
- Well...

ever since I broke my foot,

I've been looking for new hobbies,

where I don't have
to move around as much.

And you know how you always said I
should write a song about myself?

- No.
- Well...

I did, and you're welcome.

The song's called "Crutchin' It,"

and it's about my injury.

Hope you like it.

♪ I am crutchin 'it ♪

♪ Ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch ♪

♪ Can't stop crutchin' it ♪

♪ Ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch ♪

♪ We all crutchin' it ♪

♪ Ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch ♪

♪ Six to eight weeks, boy ♪

It's good, right?

Bernie...

I wanna put this gently.

That was the worst song I've ever heard,

and speaking on behalf of
every living creature on Earth,

we beg you never to write any music.

Ever again.

Oh.

Amelia Duckworth just
begged me to do something.

Yeah.

Good news, Frankie.

I got someone to vacuum the hallway.

Now you'll have plenty of time

to start that house recycling program

you were so excited about.

Yep! That's me!

Getting excited about...

stuff like that.

More importantly,

that's the last thing on my list.

I'm getting tickets to a concert!

I think we've earned ourselves a snack.

- Sugary cereal!
- Plain oatmeal!

We're different.

Aw, man, Horseface Guy's using

his watermelon bowl again.

You know, Willow, this, uh,

this line is really keeping me from, uh,

planting trees at the park.

You were gonna plant trees?

They're the backbone of our ecosystem!

You're not waiting
in this line, Frankie Wong.

Not while I'm alive!

Excuse me?

Do you mind if Frankie
goes in front of you?

No.

Wow. Her powers go way beyond chores.

Hey, Willow?

What are you doing later?

Well, I was gonna go on a rainbow hunt,

but I can move some stuff around.

And it just gets cuter.

Mm! Yum! This ice cream is good.

So good!

Can you believe the guy
gave it to us for free?

So free!

Oh, and Grandma agreed
to upgrade our cable package.

Now you get all your
Russian soap operas.

Even When Masha Met Kasha?

Hello, Masha.

It is me, Kasha.

Is this the first episode?

No, the 685th.

They've been building to this.

Well, enjoy.

Ooh! That's my Skip-Bit.

I gotta get my skips in.

Hey! Chores are done!

Mine too!

Going to a concert. High-five!

Doesn't it feel good to know
we earned those tickets

without taking any shortcuts?

Yep!

See? Told you!

That's what I love about you, Paige.

You... do... tell me.

Aw, you're welcome.

So, uh, what you thinking for dinner?

Tacos?

Oh, man, I'm kind of in a pasta mood.

Okay, that's cool. Let's do that.

Really?

Oh, wow, thanks.

Look at you, Olvera.

Picking dinner.

Like a winner! Ha!

I could be a rapper.

- Oh, hi, Paige!
- Hi, Willow.

I thought tonight we could do
a make-your-own-taco bar.

I could whip up some of my famous guac.

Doesn't that sound really fun?

Uh, actually, guacamole
gives me acid reflux,

and I had tacos for lunch
the past two days.

Oh, but for you, sure!

- Did you talk to her?
- Just like you asked.

And did she agree to tacos?

You know it, hermana.

Awesome! I could not
do another pasta night.

I feel ya, sorella.

I can say "sister"
in a lot of languages.

Yeah, you can!

Frankie.

Have you been using
that adorable little girl

to get things done for you?

To do things you don't wanna do?

Did you use her
to get your chores done?!

Before you get mad at me,

I'm willing to budge on the taco thing.

How selfish do you have to be

to get sweet Willow
to do your chores for you?

Paige, in my defense,

I promised Willow
that in return for her help,

I'd do a bunch of things for the
greater good of the entire world.

Ah, and were you actually planning

on doing any of those things?

I was...

considering it.

Francine Hildegard Wong!

We agreed we'd only use middle names

in case of an emergency!

Well, this is an emergency.

A moral emergency!

That doesn't feel like a real thing!

Neither does the name "Hildegard."

Willow's cuteness is not a tool.

You can't use her at your convenience

to get out of doing things!

Fine!

What I did was wrong,

and I should be ashamed of myself.

Good! Now go to your room,

and think about what you've done!

I will think about what I've done,

but I won't go to my room.

I'm going to the back deck
to stare at the ocean!

Good idea! It's magnificent
this time of day!

- Hey, Paige!
- What do you want?!

Sorry. What do you want?

Sorry. What do you want?

Well, ever since I broke my foot,

I've been looking for new hobbies

to keep myself busy,

since all my current fave activities,

require the use of my full bod.

That's great, Bernie.

Finding new hobbies is one
of the greatest joys in life.

I knew you'd be supportive, Paige.

You always are!

Which is why I was wondering

if you'd be my crutch-art model.

Crutch what?

It's a new art form,

where I paint with my crutches.

All you have to do is sit
still for three to ten hours,

while I dip my crutches in paint,

and create your portrait on a canvas.

Three to ten hours?

I know!

Someone who loves art as much as you

would give three to ten days,

but I want to be
considerate of your time.

- So you'll do it?
- Will I do it?

I will definitely...

and by that, I mean,

that I can, uh, I can certainly...

Uh, hey, Willow!

♪ I am crutchin' it ♪

♪ Ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch ♪

That was weird.

♪ We all crutchin' it ♪

♪ Ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch ♪

What is happening?!

They key to making a great apple pie

is the crumble.

My secret is crushed walnuts.

Watch.

See? I'm crushing them.

♪ I am crushing them ♪

♪ Ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch ♪

♪ Six to eight weeks, boy ♪

What am I doing?!

I'm finished!

Finished!

And Marcus at the puzzle store

said I didn't have the guts.

This is better than
the birth of my grandson.

I've had the worst song

stuck in my head all day,

and I can't stop singing it!

Well, if you can't stop singing it,

doesn't that mean it's a good song?

Maybe you're right.

Does this mean Bernie is
some kind of musical genius?

Lousy Bernie.

Guilting me into doing this.

Lousy Paige!

Telling me I can't get
out of things anymore

by using lousy Willow!

Nah, Willow's not lousy.

She's adorable!

Stop moving, Frankie.

My crutch art requires
absolute stillness.

Bernie, can you, uh, hurry this up?

I can't breathe in this thing.

Hold it.

Hold it.

Just one...

last...

- Bernie?
- Huh? Oh.

I'm done. Were you waiting on me?

Thanks for posing for me, Frankie.

You really helped me out,
since Paige wasn't available.

Paige wasn't available?

No, it's weird.

She usually helps me
out with stuff like this.

Yeah, she does.

And where perchance

did Miss Olvera say
she was this fine evening?

Uh, I don't know.

She wasn't the one
who told me she was busy.

Well, then, who, pray tell, told you?

- Willow.
- Oh no, she didn't!

Thanks again, Frankie!

I think this is my best portrait yet.

It's like she's still in the room.

Paige Hypocrite Olvera!

Yeah, I know it's not
your middle name, but it fits.

Also, I forgot your real one.

- It's Dana.
- Right! That's why I forgot!

Stand and answer for your crimes, woman!

- Uh...
- You used Willow for your dirty work!

The same thing you yelled at me for

a mere three to ten hours ago!

But I only asked for Willow's help once!

Do you know how sweaty
my torso is in this thing?

Do you? Do you?

Do you?

Get that thing out of my face!

Oh no, Grandma's puzzle!

- Get up, get up!
- Okay! I'm trying!

- I'm trying!
- You're making it worse!

Hurry!

Oh, no. Grandma worked
for months on this.

She's gonna bury me in this dress!

She's never gonna give us
those concert tickets now.

She's gonna lose it, Frankie.

Her temper's even worse than yours!

I don't have a temper, Paige!

Sorry, it's this dress.

Was every woman in the old
days mad all the time?

Yes, but it wasn't just the dresses.

We weren't allowed to vote,
we couldn't own property.

Lots of people thought we were witches!

Paige. Paige, you know I'm with
you on this, but the puzzle.

Okay, yeah. You're right, I'm done.

We've come a long way, but we
still have a long way to go.

Okay, now I'm done.

What are we gonna do about the puzzle?

Well...

there is one thing we can do.

You're not suggesting...?

We can ask Willow...

To talk to Grandma...

And take the heat for this.

Just one last time,
and then we'll never ask her

to do anything for us ever again.

It's our only option.

I take solace in knowing that deep down

we're both bad people.

Okay, so I take the blame
for breaking the puzzle,

but Grandma won't punish me

like she would you two because...

Uh, because you're stinkin' adorable!

Guilty!

And I'm happy to help!

After all, if you got grounded,

you wouldn't be able
to go to the animal shelter

and collect excrement,

so you can fertilize the park.

You know, like you promised.

Yeah, we love spreading "extra mints."

Excrement! It means "poop."

Oof! That's not keeping
anyone's breath fresh.

Now remember, you're really gonna have

to amp up the cute factor for Grandma.

- Why?
- 'Cause she cray.

In that case,

I'd better turn it up a notch.

What if I turn my
"R"s and "L"s into "W"s?

Hmm! Interesting.

Try saying "furry cloud."

"Fuwwy cwoud."

Awww!

DJ Miss Jockey, here we come!

All right, Willow, it's show time.

What happened to my baby?!

Hi, Gwandma.

I "accidentawwy" bwoke your puzzle.

I'm "sowwy."

You broke my puzzle?

Yes.

But since you're so good at them,

you can just make another one.

"Wight?"

No, I can't make another one!

It took me three months
to finish this thing.

Willow, you're grounded.

Go to your room.

Okay, so that took a turn.

You think that lollipop's still good?

Bernie!

This is the record producer
I told you about!

Roman Winwood! Winwood Records!

Hey.

Bernie Schotz. Nice sunglasses.

Uh, thanks.

Drake gives the best holiday gifts.

Amelia tells me y'all have a hit song.

Tickle my ears, friend.

Roman is a huge deal!

If this goes well,

we could make a ton of money.

And then buy friends!

I mean, uh,

ah, you heard me.

So, you really believe in my song, huh?

I can't get it out of my head!

Your song could be a huge hit!

Let's do this!

I got racquetball with Adele in an hour.

Okay, I'm ready.

Just let me warm up the pipes.

♪ I am crutchin' it ♪

♪ Ouch, ouch, ouch ♪

Actually, you won't be singing.

Come on in, guys!

Who are these people?

I hired real musicians
to take our song over the top!

"Our song"?

Aw, that's so sweet!

I agree!

Leyonce here has an amazing voice.

But if she's singing, what am I doing?

How 'bout you stand in that corner

and sing backup on the "Ouches"?

Great idea, Leyonce!

Go.

Let's make magic, people!

♪ You can break my leg ♪

♪ You can break my heart ♪

♪ But you can never break my soul ♪

♪ If I fall down ♪

♪ Gonna walk again ♪

♪ Just need some help
to reach that goal ♪

♪ I am crutchin' it ♪

♪ Crutchin' it ♪

♪ Ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch ♪

♪ Can't stop crutchin' it ♪

♪ Crutchin' it ♪

♪ Ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch ♪

♪ We all be crutchin' it ♪

♪ Crutchin' it ♪

♪ Ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch ♪

♪ Six to eight weeks, boy ♪

That was beautiful!

Yes!

- But I can't sell it!
- What?!

No! People want simple songs
with simple hooks.

If it was something like,

♪ I am crutchin' it ♪

♪ Ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch ♪

Maybe I could do something.

Wait, wait, wait!

That's... that's what it was before.

We can go back!

Nah, I'm over it.

Tell you what I do like, though,

this painting.

- Oh, come on!
- Tight.

I love how it's about everything,

and yet, about nothing!

Is it for sale?

I'll give you 50 large.

Fifty bucks?!

Sweet!

Yeah.

That is definitely what I meant.

Not $50,000.

I know what I'm getting Rhianna
for her yacht-warming party.

What is this?!

You were so beautiful!

I completed you,

but you completed me!

I can't believe Grandma would lose
it like that on poor, little Willow.

We can't let that little girl

take the punishment for us, can we?

I'm genuinely asking. Can we?

- No!
- I totally agree.

- Um, hey, Grandma?
- What?!

Frankie needs to tell you something!

Well, what is it?

Uh, well...

we, meaning me and she...

We were the ones who broke your puzzle.

Not Willow. We're sorry. Bye!

Get back here.

What you did was cowardly.

We know. We just thought we
could get out of the room

before you started screaming at us.

Not that!

Setting Willow up
to take the blame for you?

Yeah, we feel awful.

You know this means I can't give you

the tickets to the concert, right?

- We know.
- And since you're not going,

I'm gonna go, and I'm taking a friend.

You have a friend?

I mean, which one of your many
friends will be joining you?

Me.

What?

That's right.

I heard your little plan.

We can ask Willow...

To talk to Grandma...

And take the heat for this.

Just one last time,
and then we'll never ask her

to do anything for us ever again.

Aw! You were in the foam pit?

That must've been so adorable!

Did you pop your head out
like a cute, little gopher?

- Paige!
- Oh, right.

Show me later.

And since you can't go to the concert,

you have time to do all the things

you promised Willow you'd do.

Like start a water conservation plan,

organize a house recycling program,

plant trees,

and don't forget the excrement!

That still means "poop."

We know.

Ready to get our jam on, Aunt Marla?

You know it, girlfriend!

Let's go rock out

to DJ Stupid Name or whatever.

I don't wanna do this.

Maybe we don't have to.

What if we ask Willow...

You have a problem.

I do.