03x05 - Make Believe

[bunniefuu]

I want this Vegas stadium on
a par with Jerry's World.

Wait up, now. You think you'd
want us outdoing AT&T Stadium?

Growth is what's best for the league.

We couldn't agree more.

We need to go on the offensive
and expand our territory,

create monuments that go beyond football

and show working-class
families a great time.

While also appealing to
those with deep pockets.

Imagine... a gourmet food court

featuring the world's greatest chefs,

craft cocktail bars, luxury boxes

suspended over the stadium
and field, and...

Wow! Right?

I gotta tell you, I talked to the
Raiders, and they're open for business.

They're ready.

Owners' meeting is around the corner.

I'll just load the fellas up on Johnnie
Blue and push this thing through.

It takes three quarters, right?

Yeah. Do you think you can get that?

- Hell, son, I might get all four.
- Ho-ho!

What about you, Bret?

What are you bringing to the party?

- Well, as Spencer just said...
- We know what Spencer said.

We just wanna know what you're bringing.

Wayne, together, we are
gonna bring the Raiders.

- Oh.
- Yeah.

Come on, man.

And how many conversations has
Bret had with the Raiders?

When you're ready, gentlemen.

I play golf with the owner.

This one's on the house.

You guys really showed
us something tonight.

- I got a tingle in my pants.
- Ah.

Surprisingly, that's a good thing.

There's a lot of big
ideas floating around,

but I really think we should
drill down on something solid.

Sure.

Yeah, this thing's gonna cost a fortune.

So, Wayne, what are you thinking about
kicking in to get the ball rolling?

Let's see.

I've got a number in my head.

It's round...

like...

a zero.

I could've sworn you
said, "Like a zero."

Yeah.

- Like, a lot of zeros?
- No.

Just one big, fat f*cking zero.

I've had a long week.

I'm not in the mood for
this sh*t, Wayne. Come on.

I'm not gonna spend my money

when someone else would be
stupid enough to spend theirs.

You just accused Anderson of
bringing nothing to the table and...

He brings the Hastings brand,

which is far more valuable than dollars.

She's right. After all, I
am the city of Las Vegas.

Hey!

Aw, come on.

Great.

Well, we still got no land and no money.

I'm starting to really
f*cking hate that guy.

- Ugh.
- Spencer!

sh*t.

Candace.

What a coincidence.

Was that, uh, Wayne Hastings?

Yeah. Do you know him?

Just by reputation.

I'm Joe. Hi.

Candace Brewer with the league office.

- Oh, charmed.
- Gotta get inside.

I have a meet with the Cowboys' brass.

My liver is already seizing up.

- You two have a good night.
- Okay.

What does he want now?

I gotta go in early

and recalculate the salary cap again.

- You just got home an hour ago.
- It's Siefert.

He's pissed off me and Berg
agree about Kisan Teague.

- He won't let it go.
- You have to get them on the same page.

I've been trying to for weeks.

You got any fresh
ideas, let's hear them.

How about we invite them
over for a home-cooked meal?

- A dinner party?
- Yeah. I can make my famous brisket.

We'll fill their bellies,
get them tanked,

give them a couple of laughs.

Then, when their defenses are down,

you can make them see eye to eye.

I don't know, baby.

Ego-driven men are easy to sway.

- Oh, you think, huh?
- Uh-huh.

- Like right now.
- Mm.

If I told you I bought those Gucci
heels on Zappos this morning,

you probably wouldn't even
have a problem with it.

I ain't got no problem, baby.

I mean, a lady gotta have
her footwear, right?

Wait a minute.

Are you suggesting that
I jack these men off?

What?

Mm.

Well, good evening, ladies.
How may I help you?

We're here about the mites.

You know, I don't know.
There must be some mistake.

I don't have mites.

We think you might.

Hi, I'm Justine.

Hi, I'm Susan.

- What's your name?
- Joe, Joseph Krutel.

Oh, hi.

This is the most f*cked-up
thing I've ever seen.

What?

Wow!

These feel so real.

Technology!

Oh, God. Come here, come here.

- I'm not done yet.
- You're not done?

Okay.

Come up here. f*ck me.

Come here.

I'm so dehydrated.

Too much salt.

Too much... excuse me?

No, no, no. Not you, the steak.

- Yeah.
- The steak? Okay.

- How about no more talking?
- Okay.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

I gotta pee.

Yeah. You don't go anywhere,

'cause big daddy's gonna be right back.

I thought you said you were dehydrated.

Hey, buddy.

Come on, Spency.

You're a sexy m*therf*cker.

You know what you're gonna do?

You're gonna go back in there

and you're gonna get your f*ck on.

Let's do this.

- All good in Tinkle Town?
- We are good to go.

Here I f*cking come, all right?

What the f*ck went wrong tonight?

You're asking me now?

Yeah, yeah. I know, it's f*cked up.

I gotta ask you now. I can't
get it off my f*cking mind.

Tell me.

Well, to be honest, I haven't seen Wayne

this stoked on a project in a long time.

He's bought in.

There's three guys worth
nearly $5 billion

and no one wants to
write a f*cking check?

Yeah, that's classic Wayne.

I don't think he's spent
a dollar of his cash

in the last five projects
we've done together.

Mm-hmm. You travel with him a lot?

- On big jobs.
- Uh-huh.

Right, like he really needs
the extra support from you.

No, it's because I blow
him on his private jet.

f*ck, I wasn't saying that. Jesus...

Come to think of it, that's the
only reason why I have the job.

Chloe, God, take it easy. What the f*ck?

Well, then don't deflect
your sh*t on me and Wayne.

I'm not.

I'm just saying you're amazing
and you're beautiful.

Who wouldn't want to sleep with you?

That is a good f*cking
question, Spencer.

Hey, Rick.

I wanted to punch my fair share
of shitty teenagers, man,

but I never followed through.

It's called restraint.

That kid scared the
hell out of me, Spence.

- Never scare a brother.
- You're lucky they didn't press charges.

Well, me and the parents are cool.

Once the cops got ahold of the
family, we straightened it all out.

I'm gonna fly the family to
Foxborough for the Dolphins game.

What the f*ck were you doing in
the neighbors' house, anyway?

Man, I got a lot on my mind, Spence.

Okay.

Baby mama took off when
I tried to step up.

No new f*cking deal, right?

And my teammates freezing
me out, so what the...

Dropping $2 million at the
craps table in Vegas.

Vegas. You're the one who
brought me to Vegas.

Yeah, to duck your problems,
man, not make them worse.

Didn't work out so hot, did it?

You might wanna reconsider
moving the franchise there.

Hey, that deal's gonna get
your five million back.

Is it really worth ripping
the team away from Oakland?

Especially now that they're competitive

for the first time in, like, forever?

Some might question where
your priorities lie.

I was in an epic session with
my girl when you called me.

She was begging me not
to leave, but I'm here.

For you.

How epic?

Epic.

Look, man... look, I'm... I
appreciate you coming down.

You're always there for me, all right?

Don't sweat the debt. I
know you're good for it.

Damn right I am. Come on.

Had my buddy Todd, here,
mock us up a simulation.

How'd that one I sent
you yesterday work out?

- Pretty hot, right?
- Yeah, it was very impressive.

You know, specifically the...
the technology...

- Right.
- aspect.

It wasn't sexual. What?

You was gettin' jiggy on your
couch last night, Joseph?

Just put your f*cking headset on, huh?

- Jesus.
- Wow.

Nothing but business, man.

Wow.

Oh, sh*t, those are big
f*cking linebackers.

I always wanted to know what it
was like to play quarterback.

sh*t, I'm going Cam Newton
on these m*therf*ckers.

Holy sh*t, they're bigger
than normal line...

Hut!

f*ck this!

Ah! Oh, Jesus Christ!

Oh, f*ck!

f*ck you. f*ck you.

No way.

Whoo!

- No way.
- Hoo-hoo!

- Oh, f*ck.
- That's six, baby.

- Yo.
- f*ck!

Unh! Unh! Touchdown. Have some. Hoo!

Yo, man, you did your
thing on these, man.

- We are revolutionizing the game.
- Yeah.

Cannabinoids were a great cause,
Vern, but weed is weed, you know?

Endorsing any product tied to it
is gonna put your money at risk.

If you get suspended, it's gonna cost
you tens of millions of dollars.

And if you get cut, f*ck it,
it's gonna cost you way more.

Yeah, we could have just as much impact

on the future of football
with this VR thing, man.

Yeah, this is changing the
way people prepare and play.

Everyone's gonna want a
piece of this technology.

And I got you the biggest slice.

You'll be on every billboard,
poster, and commercial we got.

See, that's what the hell
I'm talking about, Toddy.

- Okay, I'm in.
- Yeah!

Is it... um, now, can we each
get a sex tape like Joe?

Good point.

- Hello?
- Hi, Mr. Siefert.

It's Julie Greane, Charles' wife.

- Hi.
- Hi.

I'm so sorry about this FaceTime.

- I hit the wrong button.
- Happens to me all the time.

Well, the reason I was calling

is I wanted to invite you to
dinner at our house tonight.

Oh, well, that's kind of you, Ms.
Greane,

but I'm really buried
at work these days.

Oh, come on, I know you're mad busy,

but a hard-working man needs to eat.

Plus, Charles has been singing
your praises all year

and I need to meet this man
he holds in such high regard.

Plus, my beef brisket is no joke.

Now, don't go boasting about some
brisket if you can't back it up.

A Southern man has a
palate for such things.

Well, then, I guess
you gonna have to get

your behind over here at 7:00
and find out for yourself.

I'll see you then.

Bye.

Bret, we're so close, man.

We got Bossman's gonna
deliver the owners

and Wayne's already fully committed.

No, he needs to be committed,

that walking pile of oozing jism.

Until he starts thinking practically
and provides land for parking,

for a practice facility, and
hotel space for real fans,

then how the f*ck am I supposed to
take anything he says seriously?

Craft cocktails and gourmet food?
What the f*ck?

What does he think
this is, f*cking polo?

Bret, he's f*cking with us.

Well, frankly, I don't have a need

for either one of those pompous pricks.

Okay, well, we can't pull out now.

Coming from a 42-year-old
man who's childless,

I'm surprised to hear you say that.

Hey, that's none of
your f*cking business.

You can mock what I do
in here all you want,

but you don't know sh*t about
me outside these f*cking walls.

Touchy.

Let's do this, okay?

Let's plant our ASM flag
right in Wayne's ass.

A casino, Spencer... that
was my original goal.

To cr*ck the casino business.

That's why I chased after Wayne's
jizz-mo father all those years.

The idea of moving a football
franchise to Las Vegas

has been one giant circle
jerk right from the start.

And given your track record, I'm
guessing the league would rather have

the face of the devil
on this deal than you.

I've been smeared before, and
let me tell you something,

you get over that sh*t pretty quickly.

No one else has been able to
make this deal happen, Spencer.

What makes you think you can?

Because I got you.

Wayne's treating you like a
second-class businessman

when we both know that you have
the reach to raise the money.

But you can't run around
here acting all butthurt

just because he insulted your integrity.

f*ck him.

He only said that because
he doesn't have any.

You feel me?

Yeah, I... I feel you.

I mean, I feel you.

What do you mean? Do I understand?

Yeah, I... I understand.

My jive game's a little weak.

Okay, well, it's getting better.

Okay.

100.

100. Harder.

Practice hurt, dawg.

- Come get you some.
- Mm.

- Every practice makes perfect.
- Okay, okay.

Can I help you?

You can piss in this cup for me.

- You want me to sign it first?
- The league sent me.

Medical director wants
to test for marijuana.

I don't smoke marijuana.

Then that's what I'm here to prove.

And who the f*ck is this?

The piss man.

Unannounced?

League's supposed to give
us some kind of heads up.

This is your heads up.

If you don't comply,
it's considered a fail.

Okay. Well, then, uh,
just give us, you know,

15 minutes, you know, to tidy up

'cause the housekeeper on vacay.

You know how that is.

We'll be right back. Thank you.

Appreciate it.

Oh, sh*t.

Don't let him see nothing, shh.

Behind your shelf.

- He's here right now.
- God damn it.

You know, the CBA is supposed
to give us 24 hours' notice.

It's no big deal. I ain't been
smoking, just taking cannabinoids.

Vernon, it is a big deal.

Your test is gonna come back positive.

- Do you understand?
- But I ain't been getting high.

- It's for my recovery.
- It doesn't matter.

Okay, I want you to
listen to me, Vernon.

I want you to stall him and
do not give that m*therf*cker

one drop of your piss
until you hear from me.

- Do you understand?
- Okay, Spence.

f*ck!

What the f*ck?

Sizz, listen,

the intimidation thing
might work on the field,

but I'm your financial manager,
not Andy f*cking Dalton.

You are not selling your Apple stock

because you had a bad
Garden of Eden dream.

That's ridiculous.

Look, I'm gonna rip
your f*cking d*ck off

and shove it up your
f*cking ass, m*therf*cker!

Do what the f*ck I tell you!

My dreams got meaning, bitch!

Oh. All right,

we'll get that transition
going right away, Mr. Suggs.

Thank you so much for calling.

How's Sizz?

His dreams have meaning.

What's up?

Piss man's at Vernon's house.

But I thought Bossman was cool.

It's not the team, it's
the f*cking league.

We just severed ties with High Powered.

I made this great investment deal

with this virtual reality company.

This f*cking technology is incredible.

They mocked me up this three-way

with me and two Margot Robbies.

Which reminds me, by the way,
I'll be leaving work early today.

You know what? Don't give a
sh*t about that right now.

Is this a tier one company
you're telling me about?

Yeah, yeah. The kid's a genius.

I've never seen anything like that.

How long do you think it'll take
him to mock up a simulation?

Depends on what you want. I don't know.

Uh, two, three days
if you're in a hurry.

Okay, great. Can you
get a meeting today?

- I got a job for him.
- Yeah, sure.

What's this got to do
with Vern's situation?

It doesn't.

Virginia, call Candace Brewer and tell her
I wanna talk to her right f*cking now.

I'm on it. And I'll be sure
not to use those exact words.

- Okay, right here, right here.

- Charles, you lost?
- No.

I just came down to invite you over
to the house tonight for dinner.

Really? What's the occasion?

The occasion is to get you and
Siefert together and squash the beef

and hopefully get Kisan
Teague in our backfield.

- Really?
- Yeah.

You come down here, you
interrupt my workout,

trying to get me to come hang
out with my sworn enemy?

Really? That's what you want me doing?

Sorry, Freddie.

Look, man, just trust me on this one.

My wife's cooking, it's
got magical powers.

Changed my mind about
all sorts of things,

from marriage and
fatherhood, retirement.

You remember when I was
messed up about retirement?

- Uh-huh.
- Dieting.

Dieting?

- It's not working.
- It's not working, buddy.

Yeah, you come over and eat that
brisket, you'll find out why.

Charles, I will gladly
get down on my knees

and eat human sh*t to sign Kisan,

but you and me both know Siefert,
he don't leave his office

and I know my presence
ain't the main draw.

You don't worry about that, all right?
I got a secret w*apon.

- Bah!
- Eh!

Glass number six always does it.

I don't know, man.

I was pretty drained after my workout.

Piss is my business, guys.

Six is the max anyone can hold out.

How does someone get
into the piss business?

I mean, if you don't mind me asking.

Yeah, seems kind of f*cked
up staring at dongs all day.

Quit stalling and break
out the rod and tackle.

Dang.

I know what you're thinking...
big man, little d*ck?

I've seen all shapes and sizes, so.

I'm a grower, not a shower.

Yeah, Little Vern only comes
out his shell for the ladies.

I make no judgments. Produce
the sample, please.

Some of that topline Bordeaux for you.

A little holdover from the wedding.

A nice little gift we never got to use.

I'm gonna say this while your
lovely wife is in the other room.

I don't like being ambushed.

Well, I don't like having
my OC fired behind my back.

Well, I don't like you benching
our most promising prospect.

Would that be the prospect you
stole credit for from Charles?

Come on, guys.

We're all on the same team now.

Let's put that stuff behind us.
Where is my wife?

- Hey, there she is.
- Hi! Here it is, guys.

Thanks for the wine, hon.

Off to a fast start. I like that.

All right, guys, let's say some grace.

Bless us, O Lord, and these, Thy gifts,

which we are about to
receive from Thy bounty.

- Through Christ, our Lord. Amen.
- Amen.

And, sweet baby Jesus, please shine thy
grace on these two proud, strong men,

and light the path to forgiveness,
understanding, and love.

- Amen.
- Amen.

Y'all in for a treat now.

Mm! That's terrific!

Thank you. Thank you, Coach.

You didn't say "amen," Coach.

- Amen.
- That doesn't count.

You already started eating.

It's disrespectful to our host.

Oh, no, I don't mind.

We only go to church on the holidays,

so it's all good.

Can I get an amen, Berg?

Who are you, Billy f*cking Graham?

Hmm?

Amen. There. You got two.

- I want you to mean it.
- I can't mean it.

I can only say it. A-f*cking-men.

- There. You happy?
- Hey, that's enough.

You're a disgrace, Berg.

You haven't touched your food, Larry.

Coach, don't leave. We'll
try to work it out.

- I'm not gonna leave, Charles.
- Yeah, get your ass home.

- Get outta here.
- Get up.

- Come on.
- What you gonna do, Berg?

- What do you wanna...
- Bah! Huh?

- Oh!
- How about this?

- Have another brisket!
- Oh, my God!

How's that for an amen?

- Can I get an amen?
- Sweet baby Jesus!

Wait! Siefert, stop!

Yo, you guys are better than this!

Oh, Tim will set the screen pass.

There's something going on on your side.

- You look pretty good, man.
- Look out, number 18

is rushing up the field and he
is brought down from behind.

with a challenging one-handed grab, #18.

Beautiful catch by Ricky Jerret.

Perfect timing.

Went up there with one hand.

Not only an amazing catch,
but he took the hit

and he held on to the football.

Ricky Jerret.

First season with the
Patriots, proving himself.

What a down.

You know, it's in complete
violation of his player rights

and we could easily just call the NFLPA.

The piss man left several messages
that were never returned.

Had no choice but to
show up at his door.

You know that's not true.

You know, it's a shame to see a
good guy make such bad decisions.

He didn't even know that taking
CBDs was against the rules.

- Come on.
- Sometimes mistakes need to be punished

to prevent them from happening again.

Okay, we have completely severed
ties with that company.

The truth is Vernon
doesn't even smoke weed.

Then he has nothing to be
worried about going forward.

God damn, you know how f*cking pissed

the Cowboys are gonna be at this?

Oh, I've spoken with Bossman.

He knows I'm just
enforcing league policy.

And quite frankly, taking
a meeting with you

about Littelfield's drug test
is beneath my pay grade.

But leveraging my clients
against my Vegas deal isn't?

Now you sound like a
conspiracy theorist, Spencer.

Why don't you get back
to doing your job?

The job that we and the
NFLPA approved you to do,

which is managing players' finances,

not facilitating a billion-dollar

stadium deal and franchise move.

Okay...

if I stop, you're gonna
call off Vernon's test?

It's too late for that.

But when his test inevitably
comes back positive,

whether he's been pulling
bong rips or taking CBDs,

I will give him the minimum Stage
Two suspension of four games.

Four f*cking games? Give
me a f*cking break.

I could just as easily bump it up
to Stage Three and make it 10,

or a whole season.

But we're not monsters.

We just like to keep our house in order.

Okay.

Well, thank you for your time, Candace.

Any time.

Oh...

and I sure hope everything's
all right with Ricky Jerret.

Ricky's good.

That's not what I heard.

I sure hope nothing new
ends up landing on my desk.

I am a busy lady, you know?

These were raging class V rapids.

The foaming waters rushed
us down the canyon

like a g*dd*mn tsunami.

That sounds fun.

My granny used to take me tubing.

You guys seen my shades?

No, man. Now, why don't
you keep looking?

Check the fridge. That's where
you spend a lot of your time.

You ain't gotta be rude about it.

My b*tches.

Hey, yo, Spence, man, what's up?

Your boy's bladder is about to explode.

Yeah, go ahead and give him the sample.

- Are you sure?
- Yeah, we got no f*cking choice.

Tell him to give the sample now.

Yo, Vern, Spencer said
go ahead and piss, man.

Okay, I'll try.

Oh, sh*t.

Impressive, considering
what you're working with.

Try to get some in the cup.

Do I wanna lick whipped
cream off your tits?

You bet I do, Margot.

Oh, f*ck.

Jesus.

God damn it.

This better be important.

What's going on?

Hey, listen, about tomorrow, maybe
we should take a few more days.

I gotta know what the risk
is before moving forward.

What? No. No f*cking way.

The simulation is complete.

Our boy's showing up at 9:00 a.m. sharp.

Listen, I just need another
day or two, that's it.

Don't you f*cking do this!
Don't do this.

I have been busting my ass so you
could chase this stadium deal.

Now is not the time for cold feet, okay?

Train's left the station.
Enjoy the ride.

f*ck.

- Can he hear us with that thing on?
- No.

Good.

Soak it up, you sorry sack of sh*t.

Well?

Now that's the kind of spectacle
and vision we're talking about.

Great, Wayne. We're really
glad that you're impressed.

Yeah, so, why don't you
give us the 400 acres

and we will go out and raise the money?

Yeah, Anderson's got his list of
contacts ready to rock and roll.

I'm gonna cut you a
check for 100 million

so other investors know we're serious.

And I've already got the
perfect location in mind.

600 beautiful acres.

But if it's gonna have my name on it,

it's gotta be the most beautiful

and luxurious stadium ever built.

Wayneville.

A place where dreams come true.

Right.

- Yeah, yeah.
- All right.

Ah...

Wait till he finds out I'm
changing the name to Doucheville.

I'm a Huge f*cking Douchebag Stadium.

"Yeah, I'm a ballbag.

Why don't you come and
cock waffle my..."

Cock waffle?

What the f*ck's a cock waffle?