11x01 - Nangnangnangnang

[bunniefuu]

♪ Men. ♪

Tell me, Henry,

why do you want to be
Mr. Schmidt's assistant?

He's my hero.

I know everything about him.

"Possible stalker."

And why do you think
you're qualified?

Like him,
I graduated high school at 16.

Then I completed the four-year
computer science program

at Harvard
in just under two years,

during which,
I founded an Internet startup,

and I'm currently two semesters
shy of my law degree.

So, "no law degree."

Let me tell you a few things

about Walden Schmidt
you may not know.

The man is a genius.

I knew that.

"Likes to interrupt."

He thinks in a different way
than the rest of us.

His mind is always working.

Every time he opens his mouth,

it's because he has
something important to say.

Love the new toilet
paper you bought, Alan.

It's like sliding
down a rainbow.

Except the pot at the end
doesn't have any gold in it.

When you hear something
this good,

you should write it down.

I'm sorry.

Who's this?

Oh, this is, Henry Johnson.

He's interviewing
for the assistant job.

Assistant job?

Hi, Mr. Schmidt.

It's such an honor...

Eye contact.

It's okay, Henry.

Alan, can I
talk to you for a second.

No problem, Mr. Schmidt.

Tie? Really.

Not looking good, Hank.

What's up?

Why are you interviewing Henry
to be my assistant

when I just hired you
to be my assistant?

Oh, no, no, he's interviewing
to be my assistant.

Your assistant?

Well, intern, actually.

He's not gonna cost us a penny,
and he's gonna do

all the menial stuff
I don't want to do.

Well, why don't I
just hire him for free

and cut out the middle man?

And in case I'm going too fast,
you're the middle man.

But I'm the big picture guy.

See, bringing Henry
on to Team Schmidt...

Whoa, whoa, whoa! Team Schmidt?

Yeah, I'm gonna get
hats and shirts made.

Well, Henry is.

We're gonna have a new slogan.

"No bull-Schmidt."

"Schmidt happens."

You're a Schmidt head.

I hired you to be my assistant
to help you out financially

'cause you had close
your chiropractic office.

I didn't have to close it;
I'm in a rent dispute.

People in rent disputes
don't fake their own death.

Oh, I'll get that.

You are looking good today,
boss.

That's why he got
good toilet paper.

So my ass is clean
while he's kissing it.

My 12:00 must be early.

Someone who really
wanted this job

would've taken the initiative.

Too late, Harvard.

Hello.

Hi. You Alan Harper?

Yes, I am. And, and you are...?

Your niece.

Eurniece?

That's a...
that's a pretty name.

Is that Dutch?

No, I'm Jenny.

I'm your brother
Charlie's daughter.

Henry? Yes?

Catch me.

♪ Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men ♪

♪ Ooh ♪ Men. ♪

♪ Men. ♪

I'm-I'm sorry,

did-did you say that
you're... Charlie's daughter?

Yeah.

Listen, I got a wicked hangover.

You got any aspirin, ibuprofen,
rum, Scotch, tequila, vodka?

Yeah, yeah, come on in.

Henry,
get her an aspirin and vodka.

On it!

Kitchen's that way. Damn it!

I-I can't believe this.

I mean, I can, but I-I can't.

I mean, how did this happen?

From what my mom told me...

Ooh, can we... can we maybe
turn down the lights?

That's the sun.

Right, I hate the sun.

It's like God calling you
an alcoholic.

Anyway, according to my mom,
it was love at first sight.

They met in a bar,

they got drunk and had sex
in the bathroom.

It was like
a freakin' Disney movie.

Poke-a-hot-ass.

And where did the kid go
for the vodka? Poland?

Look, I don't mean to be rude,

but how do I know that you're
really Charlie's daughter?

I mean, this could be
some kind of scam.

I have a picture of us together.

It's in here somewhere.

Oh, look.

My vag*na.

Oh, wait, that's not mine.

Oh, that's mine.

There you go.

This was taken
at my fourth birthday party.

Just a heads up, I might vomit;
where's the nearest bathroom?

Oh, right down the hall.

Okay, I think we're good,

but it's always nice
to have a plan.

Anyway, this was party was
the last time I saw him.

After that,
he just sent checks.

He-he sent checks?

Yeah, my mom didn't want him
to have anything to do with me,

but he always made sure
I was taken care of.

He never said a word
about any of this to me.

I'm his brother, his-his blood.

Were they big checks?

Yeah, got one every month.

Bastard.

My mom just called me special.

This Henry guy is awesome.

Did you know I won a
spelling bee in fifth grade?

I didn't!

Who's this, Henry's assistant?

Walden, this is Jenny,
my brother's daughter.

Really?

Hi. Hi.

I, didn't know
Charlie had a daughter.

Neither did I.

He sent her checks, big checks.

Not that that matters now.

Every month!

Hey, am I related

to Abercrombie & Fitch
over here?

No, I own the house.

Oh. I assumed it was Alan's.

So does he.

So, tell us more about you.

Not much to tell.

I was born in New York,

got kicked
out of a few private schools,

tried to become a doctor
to make my mom happy,

dropped out, became an actress
to piss her off.

An actress, oh.

Your father loved actresses.

Yeah, I was only going
to med school

so I could write myself
prescriptions for oxy.

Oh, your father loved oxy.

Sorry it took so long.

Here's vodka and two aspirin.

Thank God. Oh.

I was wrong; I am gonna puke.

Your father loved to puke.

So, when I was, like, five,

my mom married
this total loser named Rob.

He moved in with us
and never looked for a job,

but he's been sponging
off of her ever since.

Who does that?

So, how long you been in L.A.?

Couple weeks.

And you got a place to stay?

He asks, knowing full well
she's a Harper.

Yeah, I'm crashing
at a friend's house.

That's great. Friends are great.

You should make
some friends, Alan.

So, just the two of you
live here?

Well, my son, your cousin Jake,

used to live with us,
but he's in the army now.

Stationed in Japan.

Oh, that's impressive.

Because of the time difference,

he thinks he lives
in the future.

Maybe we can call him
and find out

when this headache's
gonna go away.

Oh, and,
you have a grandmother.

Oh, that's great!

In theory.

When she finds out
she has a granddaughter,

she's gonna have a heart att*ck.

You know,
I'm gonna call her right now.

This is it.

This was your dad's room.

Wow.

I always tried to imagine
what my dad's life was like.

It's weird to finally see it.

I never met him,
but I heard he was quite a guy.

I heard he was
a drunken man whore.

Like I said, quite a guy.

So, this your and Alan's room?

What?

No.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

We're not... I'm not...

The... really?

You really don't think
I can do better than Alan?

I don't know.

Maybe he's got a huge schlong.

Well, we're not a couple,
and he doesn't.

Which is fine.
I mean, not that size matters.

Not that I was looking.

I'm not gay.

So why is he still living here?

Well, at first...

Then...

I don't know.

So, this is where your
dad used to sleep.

I got a new mattress,

and I replaced the
carpets and the drapes

and pretty much anything
that could absorb fluid.

Wow.

If these walls could talk.

They'd probably say,
"Can I get a towel?"

So, I mean,

I wish there was more
that Charlie left behind.

You know, other than Alan.

So...

my dad stood in this same spot,
staring out at the ocean.

I wonder what was going
through his mind.

I wonder what he was thinking.

Besides, of course,

"how can I nail those two
hot surfer chicks out there?"

Now I'm thinking it.

Oh, please.

With your looks and this house,
I'm sure you do fine.

Well, you'd think that,
but the truth is,

when it comes to women,
I've never really been much

of a casual sex kind of guy.

And every time I do
get close to one,

she ends up pulling
away from me,

and then I wind up
back in this room,

thinking where I
went wrong again.

Alone.

So alone.

Oh, yeah.

You're not gay.

Mom, I have some news for you.

Sit down.

Okay, push him off and sit up.

I know this is gonna come
as quite the shock,

but it turns out
Charlie has a daughter.

Mom? Mom?

Are you dead?

Oh, good.

No, I know.

I know, it's crazy, right?

Yeah, no, she's here now.

Well, well, come on over.

Okay, finish first
and then come over.

Good news.
My mother's on her way over.

First time I've ever said that.

Wow, insta-family.

Uncle, grandmother,
step-hot-guy.

I'm sorry,
I don't know what to call you.

Oh, step-hot-guy works.

All that's missing is my dad.

Actually, he's here, too.

Follow me.

Where are we going?

Well, you know how sailors
get buried at sea?

Yeah.

I keep Charlie
in the liquor cabinet.

Let's see.

Johnnie Walker,
Jack Daniel's...

Charlie Harper.

He looks different
than his pictures.

Charlie, this is
your daughter Jenny.

Hi, Dad!

This seems weird. Does this
seem weird to anybody else?

Yes, it's weird.

Almost as weird as
when we take him to the movies.

Charlie, I wish you were here

to see how beautiful
your daughter turned out.

I-I think you'd be impressed.

I think a lot of...

Oh!

Oh, not again.

I ain't cleaning that up.

Oh. Oh, look.

A quarter.

Unbelievable.

You even mooch off the dead.

One more.

Yeah, you're
Charlie's daughter.

You don't seem very surprised.

Only surprised there aren't
more of you running around.

God, I loved your dad.

I remember the first
time I met him.

He asked me if I knew
how to do three things:

cook, clean and
score an eight ball

at 2:30 in the morning.

I told him I didn't know
how to cook or clean.

I've been here ever since.

I'm-I'm sure you have
a story about Charlie

that doesn't involve dr*gs.

Okay. One time at Mardi Gras...

Or alcohol.

All right.

Once when Charlie
was in Vegas...

Or hookers.

Geez, you're really
tying my hands!

Okay, I got it.

It was New Year's Eve,

and Charlie was
super not drunk,

and he was with this
crazy not hooker,

and he decided to have
his sphincter bleached.

Whoa! Whoa! What?

Why?

Because he cared about women.

Unfortunately, it got
infected, and he needed me

to dab a little ointment...

I'm sorry.

It's just that I miss him
so much!

God took the wrong Harper!

Where is my granddaughter?

Did it just get cold in here?

Oh, my God.

Look at you.

Mom, this is Jenny.

Jenny, this is Evelyn.

You are so beautiful.

You remind me of me
ten years ago.

Your father was
the apple of my eye.

My greatest gift.

My reason for living.

Hello.

Hello, Alan.

I can't believe
I finally have a grandchild.

You already have
a grandchild... Jake.

Oh. Sure. Yeah.

So, Jennifer...

Actually, it's Jenny.

Darling, you're not 12 anymore.
It's Jennifer.

We are going to have
so much fun together:

lunching, shopping,
taking care of those eyebrows.

Where are you staying
while you're in town?

I'm crashing on
a friend's couch.

Not anymore.
You'll stay with me.

I love you, Evelyn.

Whoa, whoa!
If she's staying anywhere,

she's gonna stay at my place.

And by "your place," do you mean

the office that
you stopped paying rent at

or the house that
you've never paid rent at?

Look, I'm not gonna let my mom
screw her up

like she did me and Charlie.

Hey! I was a good mother.

No, you know
who was a good mother?

Our housekeeper Adela.
She even breast-fed me.

She had just had a baby.

And when the milk truck
is parked on the street,

you don't go
to the grocery store.

Besides, you-you used
to gnaw on me.

You're gnawer.

Nang-nang-nang-nang-
nang-nang-nang.

You know what?
She's gonna stay in Jake's room.

Whoa, whoa, no.

I do not want Jake's room
to become Jenny's room.

You know, in fact,
there is no Jake's room

and there's no Jenny's room.

There's just Walden's room.

And Charlie's room.

Why don't we let her decide?

Yeah, yeah, it's up to her.

Is anyone listening to me?!

Jennifer?

Where'd she go?

Nice job, Alan.

You made another woman
disappear.

Can you believe her?

What did I do to her to
make her hate me so much?

Nang-nang-nang-nang-
nang-nang-nang.

Oh, oh. What, you, too?

Oh!

Son of a...

Ooh, a nickel!

This is ridiculous.

We're never going to find her.

I don't understand
why she ran off like that.

I can think of two reasons.

First I lost my Charlie,
now I've lost my Jennifer.

You still have your Alan.

Oh! Don't make it worse.

Nang-nang-nang-nang-
nang-nang-nang.

Oh, God,
my granddaughter's gone forever.

Oh, there she is
at the bus stop.

Oh, God, my granddaughter
rides the bus!

Jenny, what are you doing?

I'm trying to get away
from you people.

Look, I just wanted to see
where my dad lived.

I didn't want
to screw up your family.

For the record,

they were screwed up
long before you got here.

It's true.

H-Hey, if I'm screwed up,
it's your fault.

You raised me.

I didn't raise you, Adela did.

Look, I already have
a messed-up family.

I-I don't need another one.

Oh, we're sorry.

This is just how
we express our love.

Through hate. Oh, no, no, no.

W-We don't hate each other.

I mean, the truth is,
my mother is an amazing woman.

I mean, she-she raised
two kids on her own,

she's a successful
businesswoman,

she has impeccable taste.

Thank you, Alan.

Oh, right.

And Alan is...

the reason I had my tubes tied.

Because she knew she would
never do better than me.

Please, sweetheart,
I just found you.

I can't lose you now.

We want you to be a
part of our lives.

What do you say?

Well, if I'm gonna be
a part of this family,

I'm gonna need a drink.

You hear that, Charlie?

Your daughter needs a drink.

You're looking the
wrong way, Mom.

♪ Men. ♪

A toast. To Charlie Harper.

My brother, your son,
your father, and your...

Guy who got hit by a train
so I could buy his beach house?

Sorry, Evelyn.

It's okay. I got the commission.

To Charlie.

So, is that the bathroom

where the miracle
of my life began?

It is.

Want to see it?

I do.

Text a picture of it to my mom.

Should be good
for some guilt money.

I'll run interference.

All right, everybody out!

Woman visiting the place
of her conception!

I can't tell you
how relieved I am

to finally have an heir.

Wait, what?

She's my granddaughter.

I want to provide for her.

And since I wasn't around

for the first 25 years
of her life,

it's only fitting that
she inherit my estate.

You weren't around for
the first 45 years of my life.

You have Walden!

Oh, oh, do I? Do you see
a ring on this finger?

Don't worry, darling.

There's a little something
for you in my will.

A little something?

Look, if you knew you were
gonna get everything,

you would've smothered me
with a pillow years ago.

That is not true.

If I knew I had money coming,
I'd hire a professional.

How'd it go? Great.

I laughed, I cried.

I peed.

How are you guys doing
over here?

Can I get you anything else?

Yeah, we might need
a designated driver

to get us back
to his beautiful beach house.

I'll take you guys.
I get off in 15.

Great. Thanks.

She's cute.

Told ya.

Malibu beach house
gets you laid every time.

Not every time.

Oh, my God,
this house is amazing!

Well, it's... Yeah.

And look at that view.

It's even better
from the bedroom.

Want to see?

Yeah.

After you.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Where are you going?

Up to show her.

Oh, you thought...?

Oh, no-no-no-no-no, she's mine.

Next time I'll get two.

What just happened?

Charlie's back.

Good morning.

No, no, not good.

I slept in the guest room
of my own house,

and I'm pretty sure I still have
some of your brother in my ear.

Don't worry,
tonight I'll tell Jenny

that your bedroom's off limits.

No, there is no tonight!

But she's family.

Not my family.

And I'm gonna tell her
she can't stay.

Morning. Hi.

You girls have a good night?

Oh, yeah.

I'm surprised I can even talk.

You were saying? Shut up.