11x04 - Clank, Clank, Drunken Skank

[bunniefuu]

- Hey.
- Hey.

What you working on?
Anything interesting?

Yeah, actually.

I'm building a new algorithm
that weights search...

I'm gonna get laid.

Congratulations.
Which hand are you going to use?

It's funny.

Because, you know, if someone
were to look at the two of us,

they'd probably think I'd be the one
sitting at home on a Friday night,

babbling on about some geek nonsense

and you'd be the one going out to,
you know... get laid.

Who's the "lucky lady"?

Lyndsey is the lucky
"getting laid-y".

Doesn't it bother you
that after she's with you,

she goes home to her more handsome,
successful boyfriend?

Why?
I do the same thing.

How did Lyndsey end up with him?

How did I end up with him?

Hey, Walden!

Hey.

Michaela, Heidi, Sarah,
this is Walden.

He's super-hot, super-rich
and super-single.

These are my friends
and we are all super-high.

Nice to meet you.

- Hi.
- Nice house.

I am so wasted!

What are you guys doing tonight?

Oh, we're gonna play poker.
You wanna join?

- Yeah, come play with us!
- It'll be fun.

I am so wasted!

You know what?
I actually have a lot of work to do

and need to get to bed early,
but you guys have fun.

(GASPS)
We should play strip poker!

- Yes.
- All right, ante up.

♫ (THEME SONG PLAYING) ♫

Hey.

All right, let's get it over with.

Tell me all the disturbing details
of how you "got laid."

She never showed.

She couldn't get away from Larry,
so I spent half the night

waiting for her
in the parking lot of an ampm.

Wow, I'm actually enjoying
one of your stories.

Please, continue.

But on the plus-side, at 12:01,
all the donuts all became half-price.

12:19, I'd made friends with the guy
who lives in the men's room.

Raul.

Is he looking for a roommate?

You laugh, but he actually turned
a changing table into a Murphy bed.

I'm sorry,
but if I remember correctly,

last night you were pretty sure
that you were going to "get laid."

But in fact, you didn't "get laid."

Are you done?

Are you done not "getting laid?"

- Seriously, why are you doing this?
- I get to have sex with Lyndsey.

Well, you didn't have sex.

You ended up
shame-eating stale donuts

and talking to a homeless guy
in a men's room.

They were not stale
and Raul has a name.

Don't Lyndsey her treat you like this.
You deserve better.

I know.
Raul said the same thing.

Well, I had a great night last night.

I ended up playing strip poker
with four incredibly beautiful women.

Oh, yeah, I've been on that site.

No, it was Jenny and her friends.

Wait, is that the charge on my card
for Texas-Squeeze-'em. Com?

Wait, you played strip poker
with my niece?

She was the dealer.
But she did flop a great pair.

Walden, Jenny is family.

If you cross that line,
I'm not gonna be your friend anymore.

I mean, I'm still gonna live here,
but I'm not gonna be your friend.

Relax, it was harmless fun.

Hey, look who's got his clothes on.

I had clothes on last night.

You were wearing a sock.
And not on your foot.

Looked like Santa filled a stocking
at Elton John's house.

"Harmless fun?"

Oh, she did not see Bennie
or The Jets.

We're gonna hang out again tonight
if you wanna join us.

- Yeah, sure.
- Cool, I'll see ya at 11:00.

Eleven?
What is it, New Year's Eve?

(LAUGHS) And bring your sock.

You're not really
going out with them, are you?

Is this about Jenny?
Will you stop it?

I'm not the creepy guy
who wants to sleep with your niece.

I'm the creepy guy who wants to sleep
with your niece's friends.

And you don't think
that's a little sad?

I mean, a 35-year-old man,

hanging out with a bunch of hot,
young girls,

who just want to drink,
party, get naked and...

anything I say, after this point
doesn't really matter, does it?

It doesn't.
I have never had this in my life.

When I was her age,
I had already dropped out of MIT,

gotten married
and started my own business.

I was delivering pizza,
going to junior college

and dating a melon.

Oh, God.

I called her "my little honeydew."

- Walden?
- I'm up, let's party,

Jäger-bombs, bottle service.

What's going on? I thought
you were going out with the girls?

I am, but not until 11:00.

9:00?
How can I be so sleepy?

I've already had two naps
and three Red Bulls.

My brother, Charlie,
had a great trick for staying awake.

Two hookers and an eight-ball.

I'll pass.
What's with the bag?

Oh, my God.
Are you moving in with Raul?

No, Lyndsey felt guilty
about last night

and Larry is on a business trip,

so she is treating me
to a romantic rendezvous

at a four-star hotel at the beach.

Come on, man. She's treating you
like a piece of meat.

I know, it's great.

Plus, I have already masturbated,
so I can hit the sweet spot

between "You're done, already?"
And "Enough, already."

Enough, already.

Don't worry, I'll talk to her.

Okay, well, good luck.
I mean, and give Lyndsey my best.

Sure, right after I give her my best.

Boo-yah!

Hi.

Oh. So you did decide
to show up tonight.

- I know, sorry I'm late.
- It's fine.

You just turned "happy hour"
into "miffed hour."

And four-dollar pot stickers
into eight-dollar pot stickers.

Well, the important thing is,
I'm here now

and you look really nice tonight.

Did you do something different
with your hair?

You don't have to flatter me.
You know I'm gonna give it up.

But we do need to talk.

I said I was sorry.

It's not just that,
it's everything.

It's the sneaking around,
it's the curt texts,

it's the going Dutch.

Alan, you know this is complicated.
I have a boyfriend.

Yes, and I have feelings.
And I am feeling disrespected.

I hear you

and I will work harder to make sure
you don't feel taken for granted.

Thank you.

Now, why don't we go
up to our room

and respectfully
disrespect each other?

Ooh, someone wants a spanking.

I know.
Can it be me this time?

Yeah, we can play "naughty schoolgirl
and no-nonsense math teacher."

- Oh, no.
- Oh, yes.

138 divided by 2 is 69.

It's Stephanie Chapman.
Maybe she won't see.

Lyndsey, Alan!

Stephanie, hi!

Wow, look at you.
You look great.

I should. I got the lap-band
and I dropped 172 pounds.

- Good for you!
- Hold your applause till the end.

This is the end.

- So what are you two doing here?
- Oh, well, um...

Are you guys back together?
Did you split up with Larry?

No, Alan and I are just friends...

Wine, hotel, I smell a hookup.

Oh, we are definitely not together.

What you smell
are eight-dollar pot stickers.

So, what brings you here?

There is a singles' mixer

and this former fatty
is looking for a sugar-daddy.

Make sure he's a sugar-free daddy.

(GIGGLING) You are adorable.
I could just eat you up.

I don't know,
I'd probably just taste like chicken.

I'll bring the biscuits
and you bring the gravy.

Okay, I'm gonna leave you two
"friends" alone.

Hashtag suspicious.

- Great seeing you.
- You too.

I know you're gonna hate
to see me go,

but you're gonna love
watching me walk away.

God, she is the most annoying woman
on the planet.

Yeah, she is horrible.

- You have to go out with her.
- What?

She totally suspects
we're having an affair.

The only way to convince her
is for you to ask her out.

No. Forget her stomach,
they should've stapled her mouth shut.

That's exactly the problem.
She'll tell Larry!

Oh, no, no,
there has to be an easier way.

Can't I just k*ll her?
It'd be a much smaller grave to dig.

I'm serious.

If you ever want to have sex
with me again, you will ask her out.

Oh, fine, fine, I'll ask her out.
Now let's go upstairs.

That is not gonna happen.

She's right over there.
I'm going home.

- But I thought we were gonna...
- Good-bye.

(SCOFFS)

(GIGGLING)

Whoa, this is a beautiful house!

- Who lives here?
- You do!

- Whoa, I must be rich!
- You are!

Oh, yeah!
Whoa, my fingers are glowing!

I'm so rich,
I have rainbow fingers!

- Hey, let's get some music going!
- Yeah.

(DANCE MUSIC) Aah!

This is the greatest song
I've ever heard!

Walden, Jenny?
It's three in the morning!

- I know and I'm still awake!
- And I'm so wasted!

Oh, no,
you're fingers aren't glowing!

Oh, that's because he's poor!

Oh, I'm sorry, Alan.

Whoa.

Your skin is so soft.
Guys, feel Alan's skin. It's so soft.

(WOMAN COOING)

Okay, okay,
everybody stop touching me.

Except you.

Hi, I'm Alan.

Alan, I'm high.

Wait, what is going on?

Oh, Alan, we were at a party
and we were drinking and smoking,

and then, I ate a tiny pill
off of someone's nipple.

It was like a nipple Pez dispenser.

Okay, okay,
it's time for the party to end

and everybody just sleep this off.

Yeah, Alan's right.

We should get naked
and go skinny-dipping in the ocean!

Yeah, Sarah's right! Come on!
(WOMEN CHEERING)

- Ha ha!
- Yeah!

He's going skinny-dipping
with the hot chicks

and my girlfriend's banging
another dude.

Throw me a bone, God.

I didn't forget about you, Alan!

There's a new melon in the fridge!

Oh, crap.

Don't be naked.
Don't be naked.

Damn.

Don't be naked.
Don't be naked.

Damn.

Damn.

Whoa...
(BOTH CHUCKLE LIGHTLY)

Whoa.

Whoa!

- Morning.
- We're naked.

- Yes, we are.
- How did we get here?

The last thing I remember
was asking some chick,

"Can you mix these with alcohol?"

Apparently, the answer is, "No."

Okay,
because the last thing I remember

is you looking in a mirror, saying,
"Can we mix these with alcohol?"

Don't worry, nothing coulda happened.
I'm gay.

Ah, that's right.
You're gay.

Oh, wait.

How gay?
Like, one being, "Yay, it's college."

Or ten being, "I'm going Subaru
shopping with Ellen and Rosie."

I'm closer to a nine.

I mean, I make my own soap,
but I don't sell it at the Lilith Fair.

Great, great.

I mean, granted, you're prettier
than a lot of the women I've dated.

But you have an outtie
and I'm into innies.

Okay, okay, so we didn't have sex.
That is a load off.

That's a poor choice of words.

Sometimes I date an innie
who has an outtie in her purse.

What's that supposed to mean?

I don't know.
I'm just saying, it's possible.

Oh, God, if Alan finds out,
he's gonna freak out.

He won't move out,
but he will freak out.

Okay, settle down.

We don't know if there's anything
to freak out about.

- Hello!
- Hello.

Stop that!
We got to figure out what to do.

Okay, what we're gonna do
is never talk about this again.

So deny that we ever woke up in bed,
naked, together?

I have a motto
for situations like this.

"What happens in Jenny,
stays in Jenny."

So I was really surprised
you called me.

Well, I couldn't get your voice
out of my head.

You're not the first one to say that!

There it goes again!

No, I was surprised
because I was vibing

there was definitely something going on
between you and Lyndsey.

No, we're just friends.
And barely that.

She's a drunk, you know.

Oh, believe me, I know.

You should hear her wine bottles
in her trash bins on Friday morning.

I mean, "Clank, clank,
drunken skank!"

Yeah, she's a whore, too.

I don't know why she ever let you go.
You are quite the catch.

I know I present that way,
but I'm more catch-and-release.

Well, I am not releasing.

You are so cute!

Thank you.
You're not eating your food.

Do you not like Souplantation?

No, I love it.

But since the surgery,

I can't eat a portion
larger than my fist.

But don't worry,
that only applies to food.

How are you still single?

(SOFT MUSIC PLAYING ON TV)

- Hey.
- Hey.

So, listen, about that thing
that didn't happen?

I have a way to figure out
if it happened.

I'm not peeing on any sticks.

No.

There is a camera in my room.

(SIGHS)

And that's why
I don't sleep with guys.

It was your dad's.

And that's why I drink.

So, we could watch the video back
and know for sure.

Or we could erase it

and continue to deny
that anything ever happened.

- Play it.
- Oh, damn it!

I was sure you were
gonna say, "Erase it."

No, I wanna watch it.

It'll be like a quarterback
watching game film.

Only the quarterback's a lesbian.

And the game's boning a dude.

Exactly.

Okay.

Here we go.

- Wait!
- Erase it?

No, I wanna make popcorn.

So, both of my ex-husbands
turned out to be gay.

But the weird thing is,
after I divorced them,

they both turned straight again.

What are the odds?
Well, this has been great.

Whoa, somebody's fresh!

Come on in.

I would love to take you up on that,
but, you know, it's...

6:45.

And I have got to go home
and hit the hay.

Oh, I have hay here,
and I will definitely let you hit it.

That is tempting.

And I am definitely gonna
have to come to terms with that

while I'm in the monastery.

All right, I get it.
You're making excuses

because you're still in love
with Lyndsey.

God, no, we're just friends.

Yeah, and I didn't just fart
in your car.

It's fine, okay?
I get it.

I just feel bad for her boyfriend.

(SIGHS) Wait!

If I was still in love with Lyndsey,
would I do this?

Wow.

Do it again, but keep your eyes open
and say my name.

- Stephanie?
- Mm.

Are you sure about this?

Because once we see it,
we can't un-see it.

Yeah, worst case scenario,

it's a video of two hot
people having sex.

I'm just gonna say,

if I had sex
with one Harper in this house,

thank God it was you.

Okay.

Oh, this is not a good start.

Bom-chicka-bow-bow!

Would you stop that?

Having sex with a guy
in my dad's bed.

Paging Dr. Freud, huh?

You know what?
Let's just go back to denial.

Wait, wait.
Wait, that is not me.

I don't have
a Fred Flintstone tattoo.

Well, if that's not you,
who is she?

You're the one
yabba-dabba-doing her.

I don't know who that is.

God, I love living at the beach.

Oh, that's Heidi!
You banged Heidi!

- Really?
- Yes! Good going!

Yeah!
(LAUGHS)

- So how did I end up in your bed?
- I don't...

- Wait, is that you?
- JENNY: Yeah.

- WALDEN: Who are you with?
- JENNY: Oops. I turned Sarah.

(CHUCKLING) Nice.

Whoa!
Who are those people?

Do you remember the bonfire
on the beach?

Yeah, the Italian exchange students!

- "I no have-a the bus fare-a!"
- They no have-a no pants-a!

- Did we invite them to the house?
- I guess so.

I mean, that is a big pile of naked.

Oh, man!

Now, Heidi's with the guy
that looks like James Franco.

Wait, that is James Franco!

That guy is in everything!

Wait a second,
who am I with now?

Now you're with Sarah.
(LAUGHING)

Turned her back!

Oh, that is some
Game of Thrones stuff there.

- But we didn't?
- No, I guess not.

Uh, well, maybe.

That is my ass.

No, that's my ass.

Is that your arm?

- No, that is my...
- BERTA: What are you doing?

- Nothing.
- Hanging out.

Okay, so listen.

Are we all gonna talk
about the orgy we had last night?

- What?
- You were there?

Hell, yeah.
I banged James Franco.

I'm so glad
you were able to get away.

Well, I owe you one
for going out with Stephanie.

The only way I got through it
was by thinking of you.

- Through what?
- You know, Stephanie.

I took one for the team.
Rather, I gave one for the team.

Wait.
You had sex with her?

Yeah.
The second time was not easy.

- Oh, my God!
- What? Wasn't I supposed to?

You were supposed to take her out,
go to a movie or something!

Oh, I don't think I could've
sat through a movie with her.

You are unbelievable.
I'm out of here.

- But I thought we were gonna...
- Oh, no. God no.

But you have a boyfriend!

Hello, Stephanie?
Yeah, it's Alan.

Turns out
the doctor read my MRI wrong.

I will be free tonight.

(English US - SDH)