11x11 - Tazed in the Lady Nuts

[bunniefuu]

We got to go.
- We just got here.

Yeah, I know, but I got to go.

The sit-down "go."

No, I am tired of being a sl*ve
to your fear of public bathrooms.

- Do you know what people do in there?
- They go to the bathroom.

Exactly. It's not the seat
as much as... the splash.

You have ruined a lot of things
that I enjoy

and I am not gonna let you
take pooping from me.

Oh, fine, but every time
you use a public bathroom,

you are putting your ass
against every other ass

that has ever been there.

See this guy? I might as well rub
my naked butt all over his.

And he took pooping from me.

- Excuse me. Walden?
- Yes?

I'm sure you don't remember me
but I used to work for you.

Sorry, I don't remember your name.

It's Nicole,
but you'd always call me Michelle.

Right. Michelle.
Hey.

How you doing? I haven't seen you
around the office in a while.

Yeah, I stopped going in
after you fired me.

Wow.

That is...
Are you here to k*ll me?

I'm actually trying to get
a tech start-up off the ground.

Or as my mom calls it,
wasting 20 hours a day in the garage

and not giving her grandkids.

Let me guess:
You're looking for help.

With the company,
not the grandkids.

I mean, not that
I wouldn't want to with you.

Can you talk now?

I am looking for help
with the company.

I'll let you know
about the grandkids.

Well, I would love to hear about it.

Why don't you call my office
and we'll set something up?

Yeah, when I worked for you,

I was kind of in charge
of blowing off the people

- you told to "call your office."
- So you get it.

Look, 15 years ago,

you cornered Bill Gates
in a steam room

and you pitched him the idea
for Blungogo. Com,

and six months later,
you were a billionaire.

Yeah, what you don't know is that
I also got tazed in the nuts

by a security guard named Randy.

Look, I think I have
a really good idea.

Everything you need to know
is right in here.

- Okay. I'll take a look at it.
- Thank you.

I didn't even have to get tazed
in the lady nuts.

I still might taze you later.

Oh, it's not weird.
We know each other.

I fired her.

I couldn't do it.
We got to go. Now. Now.

- What?
- This is not a drill.

Code brown.
Code brown.

I wonder if I could train him
to go in the yard.

♫ (THEME SONG PLAYING) ♫

Wow!

Oh, yeah, that was fun.
Two thumbs up.

Felt like more than that.

Hey, thanks for letting me stay over.

Thanks for letting me stay under.

You know, I've been thinking,

we've been doing this
for a couple of weeks

and I don't know that much
about you.

Well, you know
all the important things.

My favorite color's pink,
my favorite singer is Pink,

- my favorite body part is...
- Okay, fine.

If you don't want to talk,
we don't have to talk.

No, I'm kidding.
Come on, ask me anything.

Tell me about your family.
What's your mom like?

Well, she's very, very pretty.
Not too bright.

Her boyfriend went
to Harvard Law School

and then broke up with her

because he wanted a Jackie
and she was more of a Marilyn.

So she decided
to study real hard.

Hold on a second.
That's the plot to Legally Blonde.

You saw that, huh?

All right, I'll tell you the truth.

My mom is a beautiful prost*tute.

- And my dad, Richard Gere...
- You're unbelievable.

Cut me some slack.

I grew up in a town
that didn't allow dancing.

- Good morning.
- Actually, it's a great morning.

Somebody gave me
a billion-dollar idea.

Oh, you got my e-mail.

You know, with my idea.

The app that helps you find
a clean public restroom

anywhere in the world.

I called it "Crapster."

Yeah, as good of an idea as that is,
and, actually, it's not that bad,

I'm talking about
thought-recognition.

Thought-control computing.

Imagine you wanna send a text

but you don't wanna take
your phone out.

Or imagine you wanna
change the channel on the TV

but you don't have a remote.

Imagine you're in a strange city
and you can't find a clean bathroom.

Imagine you're in Italy
and you have to "arriva-doody."

You know what?
Here is a hundred dollars.

I just bought your idea.
Now, stop talking about it.

Deal. Looks like
I am getting that filling after all.

- Morning.
- Good morning.

Oh, hey, morning.
What are you guys up to today?

I don't know. Maybe we'll go to a bar
and let guys buy us drinks

if we're "willing"
to make out with each other.

Wait. Is that a thing? You and I
should run that scam with girls.

Hey, I've got an idea.
Let's go for a hike in the canyon.

I'd rather stay home
and yodel in your canyon.

Yodel-ay-hee hoo-ha.

Come on,
let's get some fresh air, hang out.

- Just the two of us.
- Yeah. Yeah, why not? Sounds great.

Do you guys wanna join us?

Sure. You can never have
too much wood in the forest.

- I can't. I'm busy.
- Always busy.

I can't remember the last time
this one took me anywhere.

Hey, Jenny, here's a hundred dollars.
Lose him in the forest.

- MAN: Yes?
- Yeah, I'm looking for Nicole.

- Are you my new dad?
- Excuse me?

It's a joke.
Try to keep up.

- Who are you?
- I'm Walden Schmidt.

Holy Schmidt.

Oh, my God. Mr. Schmidt,
it is such an honor to meet you.

I have a poster of you.

- A poster?
- Yeah, yeah, check it out.

I made it in college.

Wow. It's...
Wow.

I know. I cut and pasted
Laura Dern's hair onto your face.

It's pretty breathtaking, right?

I'm sorry, who are you?

Oh, I'm Barry.
Barry Foster.

But you can call me "BF,"
as in your biggest fan.

- Walden.
- Nicole, hi.

I read your proposal.
I'm interested.

Really?

This is amazing.
This is amazing.

Oh, my fan fiction's come true.

- Barry, we talked about this.
- Right, right. "Boundaries."

All right, here's what
I'm prepared to do.

In return for 51 percent
of your company

and him never hugging me again,
I will back your project.

- I don't think I can do that.
- Neither do I.

- Barry.
- Okay.

Look, I can't give up control.
This company is my baby.

But I will sell you a minority share

if you agree to work
as my product engineer.

Oh, product engineer?

I mean, do I look like Barry?
No offense, Barry.

Did you hear that?
He knows my name.

I'm sorry,
that's all I can offer you.

Well, then it's a pass.

All right, thanks for stopping by.

No, no, no, come on,
this isn't how the story ends.

Hold on. That's it?
No negotiating?

- You heard my offer.
- There's also a supplemental offer.

Best friends for life.

All right, wait.
All right, fine.

I will work for you
but I still need a majority position.

Goodbye, Mr. Schmidt.

What are you, like,
some kind of evil Bond villain?

All right, all right,
all right, fine. Deal.

I'll be your number two.

Well, it'd actually be number three.

Oh, thank God.
I'm coming, Charlie.

I hope you have
a guest room in heaven.

He shouldn't feel so bad.

He's in pretty good shape
for a guy in his 60s.

- He's 45.
- Whoa.

I'll be right back.

Ah, eh...

- Do you mind?
- Actually...

(ALAN SCREAMS)

- It burns! It burns!
- That's because it's vodka.

Who brings vodka on a hike?

Someone who thinks
hikes should be fun.

Okay, that's it,
I'm packing it in.

I think I saw a mom with a stroller.
I'm gonna hitch a ride back downhill.

No, no, no, wait, wait, wait.
Don't leave me alone with Brooke.

What? Why not?
She's great.

Well, here's the thing.

She's... She's always trying
to get to know me.

That bitch.

She's always asking me
these personal things. You know?

"What are your dreams?"
"What was your childhood like?"

"What's your last name?"

You are just like your dad.

He'd never open up to anybody
because he was afraid of rejection.

So he'd reject them first.

- I don't wanna reject Brooke.
- So let her in.

If you don't take a chance,
you haven't got one.

Do you think I really believed
that a complete stranger

would let me live in his Malibu
beach house forever? No.

But I took a chance, and it paid off.

♫ (BARRY SINGING ALONG TO
"BLURRED LINES" BY ROBIN THICKE) ♫

Hey, hey, hey.

Oh, sorry.

Sometimes when I'm writing code,
I get kind of lost in my dope jams.

Well, if you're gonna play music,
just play it out loud.

You got it, Number Three.

♫ ("BLURRED LINES" PLAYS
THROUGH SPEAKER) ♫

(BARRY SINGING ALONG)

(WALDEN SINGING ALONG)

(BARRYAND WALDEN SING
ALTERNATELY)

Hey, hey, hey.

(MUSIC STOPS)

It was the new guy's idea.
I was...

What's that, Barry?

I can't hear you from all the way
under this bus.

So, how's the code coming?

Actually, you know,
I had a thought.

Um...

If we reconfigure this kernel,

we're gonna save
a lot of time and money.

(HIGH-PITCHED VOICE)
Yeah, it's good.

It's just... eh, it's good.

What do you think, Barry?

(HIGH-PITCHED VOICE)
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's good.
It's good.

Why do you guys keep talking
with high voices?

Why do you keep saying, "It's good"?

(NORMAL VOICE) It is good.

- Just, you know, for 2002.
- Ouch.

I believe the correct terminology
in 2002 was, "Oh, snap."

Okay.

Um...

You know, I've been doing this
for a really long time,

and I've been really successful.

I know.
We studied you in school.

Oh, I get it.
You guys are saying that I'm old?

- No.
- Yeah.

I thought we were going
a different way.

Look, I respect you enormously,
but I got to go with my gut.

Okay. No problem.
You're the boss.

Thank you.
Now, who wants Chinese?

Are you paying?
Because I forgot my wallet.

Yes, Barry.

Hey, I got one just like him at home.

Boy, oh, boy,

you could cut the sexual
tension back there with a Kn*fe.

- Think she's into me?
- No, not you. Me.

Me and her have had this whole
"will they, won't they" thing

going on for some time now.

- So, it's like a Ross/Rachel thing?
- Who?

Are those friends of yours?

Oh, God.
I am old.

But with age comes wisdom.

- We're gonna do this my way.
- What?

Nicole is wrong about the code.

I'm sending you a file.
We're gonna rewrite it.

Oh, this is bad.
This is bad.

I'm stuck between my hero
and the future mother of my children.

Come on, Barry.

Don't you wanna be
on a poster with me?

Hop on the eagle, man.
Let's soar together.

- I don't know. I don't know.
- You know you want it.

(SINGING "BLURRED LINES"
AT BARRY)

♫ I'm a good girl ♫

Oh, good. You're home.
I need to talk to you.

Oh, you know, actually, I'm not.
I'm just here for the essentials.

For a shower, change of clothes,
bag of performance-enhancing weed.

This won't take long.
Will you look at this picture?

Let me see.

- Was this taken from the Mars rover?
- No, that's my balls.

Oh!

Dude!
What the hell?

They've been burning
ever since I went on that hike.

Maybe somebody's talking about them.

No, I'm serious.
What could it be?

I don't know.
What, like, poison oak?

I did take a leak in the bushes.

And yet you couldn't go
in a coffee shop.

- Just look at the picture.
- Yeah. Fine.

I can't believe I'm gonna zoom in
on your balls.

I'm not gonna be able to...

Oh, my God.

- It's a tick.
- What?

You got a tick on your junk.

Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God.

- What's with him?
- He's got a tick on his 'nads.

Heh, I never thought
anything could live off Zippy.

I don't see how this is gonna make us
more productive

but I really don't care.

And that is the beauty of pot.
You got work to do, you don't care.

You got bills to pay, you don't care.

You see a picture
of your roommate's gonads, you care.

But the image is fading.

Yeah, marijuana is excellent.

I don't know
why I waited this long to try it.

Wait a second,
you've never been high before?

I wanted it to be special.

And now I can tell everybody
my first time

was with Walden Schmidt.

Hey, when you tell that story,
maybe throw in a few more details.

Hey, aren't you glad
we took a second to relax?

Totally.

You know, I kind of forgot
the meaning of the word "relax."

Relax, relax, relax.

Oh, God. I don't remember
what it means either.

I'm losing my words.

No, this is exactly,

exactly what the commercials
warned me about.

Barry, calm down.

Just take a deep breath,
close your eyes, count to 10.

All right, I trust you with my life.
You're my best friend.

One, two.

Oh, my God! We have
ice cream sandwiches in the freezer.

- Hey, man, grab me one.
- No, grab me two.

I wanna make an ice cream sandwich
sandwich.

That is an awesome idea.

Are you staring at me
or am I just really paranoid?

There's nothing to be paranoid about.

She's onto us. Abort.
I repeat, abort.

I hate you.

You don't.
You like me.

You know what.
Doesn't matter.

Because I have a policy
about dating people I work with.

Yeah, but it's your policy,
so you can break it.

You're the boss.

I am, aren't I?

I guess that makes me the wo-man.

You guys, I got great news.

Ice cream sandwiches are in the oven.
They'll be ready in five.

- You want a refill?
- No, I don't wanna get drunk.

Oh, my God.
Did I somehow get you pregnant?

I wanna get to know you better,

and I don't want anything
to get in the way of that.

I really like you.
That's new for me.

Hey, I feel the exact same way.

I've never felt this vulnerable
with someone.

You know, when it didn't involve
a safe word.

So, what are we gonna do?

We can start by being honest
with each other.

- That's horrible.
- Hey.

Come on. Let's do this.
Tell me a secret,

something you've never told
anyone else.

Something is wrong with my balls.

Something like that.

I just... I had a tick
and I pulled it off.

And now they won't stop swelling,
and I'm afraid they're gonna explode.

So, why are you telling us?

Because Brooke works in a salon.
She waxes people.

Maybe she's seen something
like this before.

All right, let's see.

Oh, boy, if I wasn't gay before.

Check it out, dude.

Where's your other hand
in that picture?

- What the hell?
- Three people can't fit on an eagle.

- You changed my code.
- Yeah. I made it better.

No, you didn't.
We went over this.

Okay. Everybody who's made
a billion dollars

off their software in this room,
raise your hand.

Oh... oh...

Look at that. It's just me.

Okay. Everyone who owns
51 percent of this company,

raise their hand.

Oh... oh...

Look at that.
Just me.

Everybody who's still a little high

and is worried that that's
never gonna stop, raise your hand.

Crap.
That's just me.

Listen, just go with me on this.

No, I don't work for you anymore.

Okay, look, I know you think
you know what you're doing.

But, trust me, you don't.

And I know you think
you still work here

but trust me, you don't.

You're fired.

Oh, snap.

Look, I was just trying to help.

Well, it's gonna take me a day
to undo your help.

A day? Come on.
I can undo this in an hour.

You should just...
You should just go, dude.

Okay. Fine.

- If that's what you want.
- It is.

Barry, it was an honor
to fly with you.

Honor was all mine.

At ease.

All right.
Oh, one last thing.

We're done.
I don't work with you anymore.

- That's what "you're fired" means.
- Good.

So this isn't a bad idea anymore.

Can I be fired, too?

- Okay.
- Okay.

I just wanna point out
that due to my engorged testicles,

my penis is not currently to scale,
so...

Yeah, yeah, here it is.

When you pulled out the tick,
you didn't get all of it

so it got inflamed.

It's like you're the Hulk
but only your balls got angry.

You know, this is what relationships
are all about.

Watching your girlfriend pull a tick
out of your uncle's junk.

Aww...

I'm your girlfriend?

If it's a boy, name it Walden.