11x15 - Cab Fare and a Bottle of Penicillin

[bunniefuu]

WALDEN: Previously on
Two and a Half Men...

So, what happened
between you and your girl?

She wanted to get married
and I'm just not sure I'm ready.

That's the same reason
I lost Lyndsey.

You gotta get her back.
Don't make the same mistake I did.

I am gonna ask Lyndsey to marry me.
I just have to get a ring.

I've got a ring you could have.

You must be here
to see your friend Larry

who is also here.

Lyndsey MacElroy,
will you marry me?

Yes, I will marry you.

(LAUGHS)

What's going on, down here?
I got up to pee and I heard moaning.

No, you heard crying.

(WOMAN ON TV MOANS)

And moaning.

You're watching p*rn
at 3:00 in the morning?

No, it's that soft-core flick
that Lyndsey made, back in the '90s,

Cinnamon's Buns.

Nothing brings me back
like hearing her fake an orgasm.

Listen,
I know that breakups are hard.

But please tell me
those were for crying.

Oh, yes, yes, yes.

Crying, yes, very upset,
very upset, yes.

Well, you know,
you're a classy guy, Alan.

It's hard to understand

why she accepted
Larry's proposal and not yours.

Well, technically,

- I never actually proposed to her.
- What?

Well, when I got there,
he was already doing it.

So I just figured

I'd chalk this one up
as another loss and move on.

Universe: 82,223.
Alan: 12.

Oh, come on, you're exaggerating.
You have not had 12 victories.

Yes, I have.

My son, plus the number of years
I've lived here rent-free.

I can't believe you just stood there

while another guy proposed
to your girl

and didn't say anything.

There's nothing I can do about it.

Larry's the one
frosting her muffins now.

Have we learned nothing
from Cinnamon's Buns?

She told Master Baker,
"No," five times.

Did he listen? No.

Well, the only reason
Lyndsey settled for Larry

is because she didn't know
she could settle for you!

Right, I mean,
you're a handsome billionaire

and you settled for me.

She's just a divorced,
middle-aged lush... of my dreams.

That's the spirit.

Now, get up and wash your hands,
burn this couch

and go get your surprisingly
flexible girlfriend back.

You're right, you're right.
Thanks, Walden.

WOMAN: Oh, Master Baker,
would you like to watch,

while I train this lovely,
young maiden to churn your butter?

Maybe one more scene.

This is a pivotal part of the film.

You might need this.

This scene's a real tear... jerker.

♫ (THEME SONG PLAYING) ♫

Hey, Berta,
how about a cup of coffee?

No, thanks, I just had a cup.

I don't know
why you keep her on payroll.

Says the guy
I pay to be my assistant.

Oh, that's still a thing?

Oh, cup of joe,
coming right up, boss.

Hey, what are you doing there?

I'm making breakfast in bed
for Brooke.

Hey, what tastes good on boobs?

Pineapple rings are always fun.

Yeah, you get the room nice
and cold, you play ring-toss.

Yeah, and with Brooke's bad boys,
you could play...

- Hey.
- Omaha, Omaha.

What?

Nothing, we weren't talking
about your boobs.

Why not?
You stare at them enough.

What?

I don't. I never...
I'm sorry.

- Where are you going?
- Gotta get to work.

You can't leave.

Breakfast-sex is the most
important meal of the day.

Sorry. I'll call you later,
okay, babe?

No worries.
Call me whenever you can.

- Oh, God, she's dumping me.
- What are you talking about?

Didn't you just hear that?
She's "going to work."

Okay, I know no one in this house
is familiar with it

but "going to work"
is an actual thing.

It's kind of like "paying rent."

It's not just that.
It's been forever since we had sex.

- Well, how long is "forever?"
- Two days.

I hate you.

Come on, you and Brooke
are great, together.

She's not breaking up with you.

Then, again,
maybe she is slipping away

and you're just gonna have to face
the possibility

of being alone
for the rest of your life.

(WHIMPERS)

(SOBBING) Oh, my God.

What the hell's the matter with you?
Why would you say that to her?

I'm just trying to prepare her

for the harsh realities of real life.

I mean, who else is gonna do it,
her father? He's dead, Walden.

Why are you even here?

I thought you were gonna go
win Lyndsey back.

It's early.
I mean, I wanna win her back

but I don't wanna spend
the whole day with her.

(DOORBELL RINGS)

- Alan.
- Lyndsey MacElroy, I love you.

You are my world.

I want you to spend
the rest of your life with me.

And Walden.

You're kidding, right?
I'm engaged to Larry.

It's not fair.

I mean, if I hadn't stopped
at that gas station to poop,

I would have been here first.

- Alan, don't.
- Maybe this'll change your mind.

Oh, Alan, it doesn't matter
what kind of ring...

- Holy crap, that thing's huge.
- That's what she said.

I know, not the right time.
What do you say?

I say I'm marrying Larry.

- But why?
- He loves me.

- Not as much as I do.
- He has his own house.

- I love you.
- I'm sorry, Alan.

(SCOFFS) You really think Larry
can make you happier than I can?

I think I made the right decision.

You made your bed.
Now let's have sex in it.

Alan. Good-bye.

All right.

Universe: 82,224.

Twenty-five.

- Alan.
- Hi, Judith.

What are you doing, here?
Oh, God, what did Jake do?

Please tell me the Army
didn't let him drive a t*nk, again.

No, no, no,
nothing's wrong with Jake.

Well, nothing new wrong.

Then, what's going on?
Is everything okay?

It's just that I been having
a really rough day

and I needed to see a friendly face.

And you picked me?

There's that friendly face.

I'm sorry. Why don't you come on in.
I just opened a bottle of wine.

Thanks.

- Wait, you don't need money, do you?
- No, not at all.

- Okay, good.
- Wait, are you offering?

Whoa, nice blanket.

What's with the cat-lady starter kit?

It's my bad-news blanket.

My mom gave it to me
when I was a kid.

I know what you're saying.
I have a bad-news bong.

And a good-news bong.

And a watching-the-news bong.

I guess what I'm saying is
I like to get high.

- Is this about Brooke?
- She blew me off, again.

She was supposed
to come over after work

but she said she was "tired."

Not having sex with me
must be exhausting.

Look, Jenny,
in any relationship,

it's normal for there to be a lull
in the bedroom, after a while.

- Does the sex come back?
- (LAUGHS) You're cute.

But it does help
if you do romantic stuff.

- Like what?
- Surprise her.

Be spontaneous.
Let her know that you appreciate her.

I guess I could send flowers to her work.
Eurgh, that's so gay.

Well, theses are the kinds of things
we have to do

as a relationship evolves.

See, sex becomes companionship

and companionship
becomes commitment.

Commitment becomes complacency
which gives way to contempt.

Until you find yourself longing
for the sweet release of death.

Yikes.

I'm gonna go get my bad-news bong.

Oh, my God, oh, my God.

You remember Jake's seventh grade
science project?

- Wait, which seventhth grade?
- Second time.

Oh, okay.

He wanted to study
how different foods

would make his farts smell and...

Oh, yeah.

He'd rip one in Tupperware,
seal it and label it.

To this day, I still remember...

Brussels sprouts. Yes.
- Oh, Brussels sprouts.

Most parents make their kids
eat vegetables, we made ours stop.

Right.
And then, he got rickets.

(LAUGHS HEARTILY)

Ohh!

Oh, it's been a crazy ride,
hasn't it?

- Hey, can I ask you something?
- Oh, here we go. How much?

No, no, not that, I...
What's wrong with me?

Oh, Alan, I don't carry around
a list of your faults.

My therapist said
it's no longer healthy.

No, no, I'm serious.
I mean, it seems like

every relationship
I've ever been in, I've screwed up.

Aww.

Look, a marriage doesn't fail
because of one person screwing up.

I screwed up two marriages.

Oh, yeah, you're right,
you're a two-time loser.

At least I have Walden.
I mean, you've got nobody.

Oh, we're being honest, now?

Herb's penis is bigger than yours.

(LAUGHS)

I've forgotten
how good you are at this.

I have missed you. I mean, you know,
not the constant verbal abuse

that left me a crippled shell
of a man

but we could always make
each other laugh.

Oh, you could never
find my G-spot

but you could always find
my funny-bone.

Ahh!

I'm just kidding.
I've missed you too.

Oh, yeah, this is probably
a bad idea.

- Definitely.
- Yeah, yeah.

(BOTH GRUNT)

Let's look for that G-spot.

Or how about you look for mine?

Oh, God.
What'd we do?

Oh, God, what did I do?

Come on.

God.
What did we do, last night?

♫ (ROCK MUSIC) ♫

More.

Oh, God.

(CELL PHONE RINGS)

Well, well, well,

someone never made it home,
last night.

Am I speaking with an engaged man?

- I think you might be.
- That's-a-boy.

Hey, what'd Lyndsey say,
when you showed her the ring?

- "That thing is huge."
- That's what she said.

That's what I said.

She also said
she's staying with Larry.

What?
I thought you said you were engaged.

I am to Judith.

Your ex-wife?
Whoa, what the hell happened?

♫ (POP MUSIC) ♫

You know, it's kind of sketchy.
We had a lot to drink.

Well, I've had a lot to drink before

but I've never gotten engaged
to my ex-wife.

Okay, maybe I'm being selfish

but I'd like to talk about me,
right now.

Jyndsey, Ludith,
will you Larry me?

Let me ask you something.

Now, do you think Judith
would be more upset to wake up

and find she's engaged to me

or to wake up
and find she's missing a finger?

Okay, look,
I'm sure that she got tipsy

and caught-up in the moment too.

And if you're just honest with her,
she'll probably be relieved.

What if she isn't? I mean,

how do I get her to want out
of marrying me?

- Be yourself?
- Worked before.

Hey, you.

Um, listen, we should
really talk about last night.

Absolutely.
But I need to say something, first.

Things are gonna be different,
this time.

I'm not gonna make
the same mistakes I made before.

And I'm gonna start by showing you
how much I appreciate you,

every single day.

Oh, that's really sweet
but we really should talk about

who we should invite to the wedding.

- Hey.
- Hi.

Guess what?
I'm taking your advice

and I'm surprising Brooke
with a romantic evening.

Good. You know,
I know that's not easy for you.

Your dad was the same way.

His idea of romance
was a warm washcloth,

cab fare and a bottle of penicillin.

Aww...

So my dad wasn't just a drunken,
diseased man-whore,

he was a gentleman.

Charlie would be so happy
to see his little girl now.

Of course, he'd be even more happy

to see the rack
on his little girl's girlfriend.

Does she have nice boobs?
I've never noticed.

- Hey.
- Oh, hey.

How'd it go with Judith?
Did she take it okay?

Well, you know, she...

It was a little hard
for her to swallow.

Well, I'm just glad you talked
to her. Can I get my ring back?

Funny story: She kind of kept it
and we're kind of getting married.

Alan, I thought
you were gonna talk to her.

I did.
We came to an oral agreement.

(GROANS LOUDLY)

- Alan.
- Hey, it's my weakness.

That and red velvet anything.

Wait. Hey, hey.

This is the same woman
that you said was so evil,

that her image didn't show up
in your wedding pictures.

I only said that because,
at the time,

I thought she was the worst person
I'd ever met

and she made my life a living hell.

But you know, people change.
It's gonna be great.

So Zippy's moving out
and he's going to be miserable.

So you have been listening.

I have to say,
dinner was great, Judith.

Thank you for inviting me over.

Of course,
you're Alan's best friend.

Actually, you're Alan's only friend.

It's funny because it's true.

Oh, honey, could you pass
the potatoes, please?

Oh, I think
you've already had plenty, doughboy.

(GIGGLES)

Boy, I have to say, I was shocked

when Alan told me
you were getting married, again.

Oh, you were shocked?

There was a time
when just the thought

of being touched by his tiny,
clammy hands, again,

made me throw up in my mouth
a little.

That's all ancient history.

Yeah, if ancient history
was last Thursday.

- (KISSING LOUDLY)
- Oh...

- Isn't she great?
- No.

She's treating you like crap.

The only people that get to do that
are people that do it out of love.

Like me and Berta and your mom.

Okay, well, me and Berta.

Okay, me.

It's harmless.
It's just Judith being funny.

Did you just twitch?

No, I was just talking about
how funny Judith is.

Okay, look me in the eye

and tell me how much you love Judith
without twitching.

Fine. I love Judith.
There, I said it.

(WHISPERING) Alan. You cannot
marry this woman. You deserve better.

I mean, not much better, but better.

(WHISPERING) You know who
I deserve? I deserve Lyndsey

but I can't have her.
She's marrying somebody else.

So I'm taking what I can get.

That's what I do,
I'm a love scavenger.

You're also a house scavenger
and a money scavenger

and an underwear scavenger.

But that doesn't mean
you have to settle.

Yes, it does.
I don't wanna die alone.

Maybe you don't realize it
but there aren't a lot of people

who wanna spend the rest
of their lives with me.

Oh, no, I realize it.

Brooke, really,
we can get a hotel for the night.

No, no, no, Dad, it's fine.

I'll sleep on the couch
and you guys stay in my room.

Surprise.

- Who's this?
- Uh...

Mom, Dad,
this is my girlfriend, Jenny.

It's great to meet you.

I like her.

Oh, hey, I was thinking
now that Jake's gone,

I can turn his room
into my man-cave.

You know, pinball machine,
flat-screen TV, potter's wheel.

- Nope, that's not gonna happen.
- Oh, you have plans for it?

No, I'm just not letting you
get another potter's wheel.

Judith, I have to say,

I cannot take my eyes off
of that ring.

I know.
When I first saw it,

I thought it was as fake
as the orgasms I used to have

- when we were married.
- (LAUGHS) That's true.

Very unsatisfactory lover.

(BOTH CHUCKLING)

But I mean, what woman
could say, "No" to this?

I can think of one.
Can you think of one, Alan?

- What's going on?
- Oh, nothing.

I'm just glad that you were there
to pick up the pieces

after Lyndsey turned down
Alan's proposal.

What?
You proposed to her before me?

- Well, technically, what I...
- Oh, you didn't know?

This is awkward.
Open mouth, remove pie, insert foot.

So, I'm your second choice?

That doesn't matter,
who was second.

You were the first to say, "Yes."

I will be the first to say, "Yes"
to seconds of this pie.

- You are unbelievable.
- No, the important thing is

that we found each other again.

And you're willing to settle for me
and I'm willing to settle for you.

Settle for this.

(GROANS)

I'm a good friend.

- Hey. How's it going?
- Good.

Thanks again for the potter's wheel.

It's the least I could do.
I cost you a wife.

I'm just glad
you came to your senses.

I was just scared.

I didn't wanna spend
the rest of my life alone.

Hey, as long as I'm around,
you'll never be alone.

Ah, thanks, buddy.

Oh, sh**t.

Oh, here, let me help you out
with that.

♫ (RIGHTEOUS BROTHERS
"UNCHAINED MELODY") ♫

(GASPS)

Thank God.
It was just a dream.

Are you okay, baby?
Did you have a nightmare?

(GASPS)

I gotta get him out of here.