06x11 - Hair Day

[bunniefuu]

- "A" mark.
- "B" mark.

What's a hair day?

There are so many different
types of hair days.

I feel like when Black women
think of hair day,

they think of wash day,
they think of sore arms.

Detangling to conditioning
to hot oil treatments.

When I was a kid, that meant,
like, leaning over a sink

and my mom...
Like, at awkward angles,

and my mom putting my head
in the sink

and running water
and shampooing my hair.

What comes to mind for me
are the Saturdays,

every other Saturday,

when my mom would take my sister
and I to the hairdresser.

Nope.

We're gonna be late!

Diane,
what are you doing?

Oh, my God.
Are you doing this again?

You don't need
a perfect ponytail.

Yaya is gonna be doing your hair
in an hour.

Says the woman who Swiffers
before the housekeeper comes.

That's 'cause I don't want her
to think we're gross.

Okay, let's go.

Get a hat.
Get a scarf.

We got an appointment!

Are you really gonna try to
cover Black hair in 22 minutes?

- Yeah.
- Good luck.

Diane, why are you dragging
your feet?

You love the salon.

We love the salon.

The salon is our thing.

I thought me stealing
your makeup was our thing.

Okay,
that's new information.

But we also
have the salon.

Mom, I don't like
having my hair done,

I like my hair did.

I would say 10 to 11 hours

to get my hair braided
in this style.

You literally will go home
probably from a headache

because your braids
are too tight.

We would go,
and there was hair burning

all through that hair salon.

But you know that they say
beauty sees no pain.

Well, then, why don't you just
look at this as an opportunity

to spend some quality time
with your mom?

Yes. Quality time with Mom
changes everything.

You know, sometimes I just
take out your old barrettes,

and I look at them.

When I was younger,
my mom used to always love

putting my hair in
two-strand twists

with little bobbles at the end.

Usually, it was
a center part

with two pigtails
and barrettes on the end.

Most of the time,
it was two ponytails

that would end up like this.

She'd put it together on my hair
and then put me under the dryer

and took it out and started with
the little natural comb,

and we had naturals together.

Ah, ah, ah, ah.
Don't scratch. Oh.

You got a relaxer coming.

Unless you want that head
to be on fire,

you better just pat.

You know when you guys
tell me not to scratch,

it itches more.

- This is t*rture.
- t*rture?

Oh, sweetie, your generation
got it easy

with your latex gloves
and your Vaseline.

In my day, they'd hold you
by the ankle,

dip in you in lye
like a candy apple.

That is absolutely
not true, Ruby.

You weren't there.

Okay.

Are you guys coming back from
an ugly T-shirt contest?

Huh? You know every
time I bring out

the 1995 Johnson Family Reunion
T-shirt,

I'm about to barbecue.

I've thrown that shirt away
like four times, Dre.

I know.

I've dug it out
four times, Bow.

- Respect the uniform, okay?
- Okay.

I'm about to teach my son
how to barbecue.

- Mm-hmm.
- We're gonna cook a butt.

- Yeah, we're gonna put our foot in that butt.
- Mm-hmm.

Technically, son,
it's a shoulder,

but I love
your enthusiasm.

I love you, baby,
but it's been a minute

since you've been
on that smoker.

What you gonna do next,

break out the Bowflex?

Remember that?

It's an entire home gym,
Mama.

- Yeah, well...
- No regrets!

♪ I do my hair toss,
check my nails ♪

♪ Baby, how you feelin'? ♪

♪ Feelin' good as hell ♪

♪ Hair toss, check my nails ♪

♪ Baby, how you feelin'? ♪

♪ Feelin' good as hell ♪

♪ Whoo, child,
tired of the foolish ♪

♪ Go on, dust your shoulders
off, keep it movin' ♪

- Hey.
- Hey.

- Oh, hey.
- Hey.

- How are ya?
- Hey.

Hi, Diane. Hi, Bow.

- Hey.
- Hi, Bow. Hi, Diane.

Um, y'all are early.

Oh, no, we're actually
35 minutes late, Yaya.

So sorry.

Like I said, y'all are early.
So, um, have a seat.

Oh, okay, okay.

The stories in the salon,

definitely, it's like
a family environment.

Everyone's talking about
their man and their problems,

and it's just funny.

Somebody always comes in,
selling, like, fake Prada.

They asked me
so many different things

that made me feel like
they were just family.

Our mothers would
get their hair done also.

So it was always,
like, a fun day.

To be able to share things
and laugh about things,

and your hairdresser
is your shrink.

♪ Feelin' good as hell ♪

♪ Feelin' good as hell ♪

I knew we could've stopped
for a latte.

♪ Feelin' good as hell ♪

Here we go, son.

Jack,
meet Proud Mary.

Uh, hold up.
I thought this was garbage.

Does this look
like garbage to you?

I feel like
I just answered that question.

Oh, wow.

Proud Mary
is looking real crusty.

You sure we don't need
a tetanus sh*t

before we eat
off this thing?

Why don't you save yourself
the trouble

and get
an electric smoker?

An electric what?

What are you gonna do,
vape some ribs?

I'm teaching Jack
to be a Pitmaster,

and a Pitmaster's job
is to tend to the fire,

for without fire,
there is no smoke,

and if there is no smoke,
there is no barbecue.

Anybody can season meat
and put it in an Easy-Bake Oven.

Look, Dad, you know I respect
your outdated beliefs.

- Mm.
- I don't even say anything

when you call
meetings powwows.

- Mm.
- But electric smokers?

They're the future
of barbecue.

You know what?
I'll show you.

Let's have a good old-fashioned
cook off.

Fine.

Loser puts his hand
on a hot grill.

I was thinking
more like a trophy

with, like,
a little pig on it.

Bet.

Okay, ladies
remind me what you're getting.

I'm getting the usual
with a little bam on it.

Oh, I-I want the braids with,
like, the jewelry in it.

And...
And Diane is gonna get...

Oh, Mom, got this.

Oh, okay.
Same old, same old.

Just getting my relaxer
touched up.

What a relaxer is... it is
a creamy chemical substance

which takes kinky, curly hair,
and straightens it.

I got my first relaxer
when I was 7.

I begged, begged
for straight hair.

Getting a relaxer
can be very painful.

And you'd sit there while it
b*rned in little, bitty parts,

and then she'd say,
"Hold on.

Ba... Just... J-J...
Don't be tender-headed."

Oh, Diane, I'm gonna
make you look great.

Okay, boo?

Okay, so,
are we up soon?

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah,
you're next.

- Oh, good.
- Okay.

Um, let me just rinse out Carol
and put her under the dryer

and then I need to dust up Lisa
a little bit,

and then I need to get Carol
from under the dryer,

and then I got to have
a three-piece.

You know what I'm saying.

And then after that,
y'all next.

Tha... Thanks, Yaya.

See? We are next.

♪ Welcome to the spot light ♪

♪ The spot light ♪

- ♪ Oh, yeah ♪
- ♪ 'Cause I'm high light tonight ♪

Diane?

Yaya's finally
ready for you.

Boy, you were really
knocked out there.

Yeah.

Ms. Yaya.

- Hmm?
- It's kind of tingling.

You are so tender-headed.

Okay, it smells like
something's burning.

I think
my hair's on fire.

You are crazy,
Diane.

There's still hair.
I still have hair.

Not if I have anything
to do with it.

What's wrong?

I'm never putting that stuff
in my hair again.

I am done
with relaxers.

Okay.

Are you having
a hair freakout?

Here we go again.

Y'all ladies
really need to start

having your hair epiphanies
at home.

- I just can't do it.
- Okay.

- I-I had this dream, right?
- Mm-hmm.

And my hair was on fire
and it was falling out,

and the relaxer was
trying to k*ll me.

- What?
- I think the dream was a sign

that I need to
move beyond relaxers.

Yeah.
That sounds fine.

Sounds like you're ready for
some sort of big change.

Maybe we should go home,
have a conversation about it.

We can pull out
some hair magazines,

Google some stuff,

maybe make
a Pinterest board,

get your sister
on the phone, ta...

Or we can just consult with
the professionals here.

Yeah,
we could do that.

We could definitely have that
very intimate conversation

with a whole bunch of people
who did not give birth to you.

Alright, Diane.

What are you thinking?

Okay, well,
just spit-balling here.

A press and curl.

Okay.
I can have the same look,

and my routine is
relatively unchanged.

But you know
what that means, right?

Ugh.
Yeah.

Right.

It's Diane Johnson's
Celebrity Hot Tub Party!

And now, here is the one
and only Diane Johnson!

Ta!

One, two, three, four!

Hey!

♪ Hot tub, gonna make me sweat ♪

♪ I say, hot tub ♪

Whoo!

♪ Rub-a-dub in the,
in the hot tub ♪

Can I ask
y'all something?

- Yeah!
- Yeah!

- Can I get in the hot tub?
- No!

- Can I get in the sauna?
- No!

Can I go swimming?

Try a swim cap.

Well, well, well.

Well, alright, sounds like
you are ready for something new.

A new choice.

What about...

You want to go
natural?

In thinking about
my own hair journey,

it's been
such a long process.

It started...
Well, the year was 1985.

You know Yaya has
other clients, right?

Yes, I was... Oh, finally.
Somebody had to say it.

Okay.
Okay.

Um, just give me
the real here, alright?

Um, if I decided
to go natural...

Mm-hmm.
...how would this go?

Well, you would start
with the big chop.

The big chop?

Oh, did somebody say
"the big chop"?

Oh, my chair is open.

I can get you natural
in less than 10 minutes.

What is she talking about?

Basically,
the big chop means

that we cut off
all the relaxed hair,

and what's left is a really cute
short haircut.

It's the only way to go.

I have to shave my head
right now?

No, Diane, you do not have to
shave your head right now.

You can transition
at your own pace.

You can
let your hair grow out,

and then,
when you are ready,

then we can cut off
the relaxed ends.

Yeah,
but don't wait too long.

Right, Angie?

I just want to grow it out
a little bit more.

Okay, girl.

Oh, you see that, son?

The low flame
is doing its job.

Ah, fantastic, Dad.

W-With all the smoke,

I haven't been able to see
for two hours.

Dre, when you asked me

to come over here
for barbecue,

I thought it was to eat
barbecue, not watch barbecue.

This is better.

I don't know why
you guys are stressing.

This is
super easy for me.

Now,
tell me how this works.

If you don't have to
nurture a smoker all day,

how else do you get that
delicious, smoky smell

that seeps so deeply
into your pores

that carcinogens show up
in your blood work?

You don't.

Yeah.

Well,
that's not real barbecue.

Okay, fine.

Jack, you stay here with
these elderly gentlemen

and discuss how things
have always been done.

Me? I'm gonna go
run an errand

at, uh, I don't know,
Dave & Buster's.

Ah, uh, funny.

Well, I also have an errand
to run at Dave & Buster's.

You got this,
right, Dad?

Really, Jack?

We're trying to pass down
Black culinary tradition,

and you want to dip out on it
to go whack-a-mole?

Uh, yes?

Uh, no.
You're grounded.

And your punishment is
to sit here and watch smoke,

just like all the other great
Black men before you.

Trust me, son.

One day,
you'll thank me.

Well, gentlemen,
I'm off.

Enjoy your prison
of tradition.

Ah, silent resentment
between father and son.

Now we're barbecuing.

So, what do you think?

Let's talk more options.

I've got braids.

Dookie braids.
"Poetic Justice" braids.

And I have three different...

No, I have four different colors
in my braids.

Twist outs, braid outs,
bantu knots, kinky twists.

I love my hair. It's versatile.
I can do what I want.

If I want it straight,
I can do that. I can do this.

Updos, down 'dos,
ponytails, pigtails.

So, what do you think,

now that you've heard
all the options?

Incorrect.

There's one more option
you haven't talked about.

Oh.

You know, people ask me

how I keep looking so fresh,
so young, so hip.

And I usually say
to those people,

"Mind your own
damn business."

But today, I'm happy to
let you in on the secret.

Welcome to my wigs.

This is LaTavia.

She's a workhorse.

Perfect for a cup of coffee
or a trip to The Grove.

Danita, my getaway wig.

Oh, she holds on tight.

Kelly.

Now, I don't wear her often,
but when I do,

it's typically to court

or a White person's funeral.

And I call this one Stella

'Cause she helped me get
my groove all the way back.

My daughter does not need
a getaway wig.

Well, what else is the girl
gonna do, Rainbow?

Definitely not wear a wig,
Grandma.

Exactly. Put the girl in braids,
and call it a day.

Yeah,
that's a good idea.

And when she's grown
her hair out,

I can hook her up
with some locs.

How's that sound, Diane?

Oh, well...
You all need to stop treating this

like an opportunity
to poach my client.

Diane needs to
make her own decision.

That's right.
Let the girl decide.

And if she decides
to chop it all off

and she ends up liking
the way it looks, then she...

I will cut you, RochZe.

- Come at me.
- Okay, everybody, back off.

Diane,
this is your decision.

You don't have to listen
to any of these people.

It's up to you.
What do you want to do?

Forget it.
It's too much.

I'm just gonna
keep it the same.

Give me the touch-up.

Alright,
it's just me and you.

What's really going on?

I didn't know this decision
was gonna be so hard.

Now I just want to go back
to what I know.

Well, okay,

if you want to go back to
relaxing your hair,

that's fine,
I'll support you,

but is that really
how you feel?

I feel like I'm gonna
make the wrong choice.

Oh.

There is no such thing
as a wrong choice.

And despite
what the world tells us,

all Black hair
is beautiful.

Truly.

Let me show you.

There's so many styles
to choose from.

♪ Doesn't matter if your hair
is short or long ♪

♪ Deep conditionin'
will keep it strong ♪

♪ Dye it blonde
or wear it down ♪

♪ Do what you wanna ♪

♪ You'll still be
melanin brown ♪

♪ Don't matter,
you're still a Sistah ♪

♪ With a beautiful crown ♪

♪ Doesn't really matter how you
wear your hair, little sister ♪

♪ Just remember to take care
of it, my sister ♪

♪ Wear a silk bonnet
and 'greaze it at night ♪

♪ And don't let um
pull your edges too tight ♪

Listen to me, honey.
I know what I'm talking about.

- That's right.
- Fabulous.

Yeah.

Gorgeous.

Go ahead, girl.

Fresh.

- Sexy.
- Mm-mm-mm.

Fine.

Regal.

Regal.

Bad to the bone.

♪ Hair or not ♪

♪ If it's kinky, curly,
or cropped ♪

♪ Box braids,
Senegalese twist ♪

♪ Straight weaves
down to my wrists ♪

♪ Doesn't matter if your hair
is short or long ♪

♪ Deep conditioning
will keep it strong ♪

That's right, girl.

♪ Dye it blonde
or braid it down ♪

♪ Do what you wanna ♪

♪ You'll still be
melanin brown ♪

♪ No matter,
you're still a Sistah ♪

♪ Melanin brown ♪

♪ No matter,
you're still a Sistah ♪

♪ Melanin brown ♪

♪ No matter,
you're still a Sistah ♪

♪ With a beautiful crown ♪

♪ Buy Black ♪

You know we really should
be doing that.

Wow.

So, there's no
wrong choice.

Trust your instincts,
and you've got this.

So, do you know
what you want?

Alright, let's get to

the actual reason
we're here...

The taste test.

Oh, thank God.

- Yes, let's get to this meat.
- Mm.

Start with the one
on the left.

- Mm-hmm.
- Okay.

- Mmm. It's nice.
- Mm-hmm.

- Tender.
- Mm-hmm.

I like how I can tell
that this is pork.

Okay, the next one.

Alright.
Oh.

- Mmmmmm.
- Mmm.

This one has
a little kick to it.

Mm-hmm.

I like how I can also
taste that this is pork.

- Mm.
- Oh, wait a minute.

Is that salt?
Ooh, la, la.

So?

Mm.

Mm.

Uh, I don't know.

It's kind of
a tie for me.

A tie?

No.

You have to choose one,
alright?

Which one tastes like
it had the most love in it?

Um, the first one?

Yes, I would also have to
give it to number one.

Boom! You just got b*at
by a lightbulb, old man.

Charlie,
you know barbecue.

How could you
do me like that?

Your son has made beautiful
barbecue

- with his magic box.
- Mm.

Try it, Dre.

Okay. It's good.

Good as...?

Fine.

It's good as hell.

Congratulations,
Junior.

I'm gonna go put Proud Mary down
'cause I'm done with barbecue.

But, Dad, isn't this just like
the story that you told me,

the one where you challenged
that one guy

to a dance battle
at Freaknik?

Yes, son, it is.

And he handed me
my ass.

But I can't be mad,
though.

I should've never
challenged a dude

who brought a whistle
to a dance-off.

Didn't you say what happens at
Freaknik stays at Freaknik?

- Yeah.
- How did you get these stories out of him?

I guess when
you're going on hour six

of watching a fire
slowly burn,

the stories just
kind of spill out.

But I'm sure you had fun
playing Skee-Ball.

Oh, my God.

- So, I'll do twist outs...
- Okay.

...then maybe braids
for a little bit.

Then I'll just cut my
relaxed hair when I'm ready.

Alright,
that sounds like a plan.

Yeah.
Can I tell you something?

You look amazing,
and I'm so proud of you.

Thank you.

- Can I give you a hug?
- Yeah.

Alright.

Oh, I love you, sweetie.

- I love you, too.
- Ah.

Oh, and, Mom?

Yes.

- You were right.
- Huh?

I do like
getting my hair done.

Oh.

Wow, Diane.
Look at you.

You got new shoes.

Don't think
I wouldn't notice.

Thanks.

After all of that?

I know.

They have no idea
what we go through.

I love the way I look.

And I think this is gonna be
a cool phase

of my lifetime
hair journey.

Wait, question for y'all.

Did everyone
see the salon transform

during that musical number,

or was I high on salon fumes?

Mmm.

Dad, honestly,
it was razor-thin.

Your barbecue is so good.

The secret is the sauce,
son.

Mr. Fatts BBQ.

Never trust a sauce
that doesn't

have a Black man's face
on the label.

Oh, Dad.

I think that's just
one of those companies

that slaps a random Black person
on the label

to seem "authentic."

What? No, boy.

Me and Mr. Fatts have been
rocking for years now.

Hell,
I've known Mr. Fatts

longer than I've known
your mama.

Yeah,
I just looked it up,

and this is the owner
of Mr. Fatts.

That's
Mr. Jeremiah Fatts?

That's a white man
laying on a hammock with his shoes off,

wearing Tommy Bahama.

Yep.

Looks like you've fallen for
the Blackface of barbecue.

I've been
bamboozled!