06x13 - Kid Life Crisis

[bunniefuu]

America... Land of the free
and home of the brave.

Emphasis on "Home."

Because we are the worst
at vacations.

52% of Americans don't even use
all their vacation days.

We're workaholics.

Our jobs don't necessarily
encourage time away.

Well, I'll only be gone
for six days.

You won't even miss me.

Sure. Take your vacation, Dre.
Alright.

Hey, uh, Josh, can you bring me
that Malik fellow's résumé?

The one with
the, uh, flashy sweaters

who's desperate
to get a foot in the door.

Hey, don't worry about that.
That has nothing to do with you.

Or does it?

Have a great trip,
Dre.

But in the Johnson family,

we know how important it is
to have a work-life balance,

so we were going to
get our vacation.

Mm! Bam!

Look at that, baby. Huh?
Too much or not enough? Huh?

Hey, don't...
Don't worry about it.

I'm bringing it.

Why aren't you
packing a bag yet?

Because I have to move
10 surgeries,

find someone to watch the dog,
call the kids' school...

Come on, Bow,
you're off the clock, baby.

Never. Put a questionable bathing
suit in the bag and let's go!

It's México.

That's right.

México.

We're talking sun, fun,
and relaxation.

Unfortunately,
the plane, ferry, and taxi

to get there almost k*lled us.

Come on.

We made it.

Bienvenidos.

Johnsons checking in,
please.

Can we please go to the pool
to wash off the airplane stink?

Okay, hold on a second.

I want to
hit the game room,

play some foosball,
hustle some chumps.

I said hold on a second.

Can I get a spa pass while you
guys work out the formalities?

I am carrying
a lot of Stevens & Lido stress,

and I need a big-handed Swede
to make me right.

No one is going anywhere
until we check in.

- Hello.
- Hi!

I have your reservation
right here.

- Oh, thank you.
- Ohh!

But unfortunately, your rooms
won't be ready till 4:00.

Ohh. Interesting choice
to pick a flight

that arrived two hours
before check-in time.

Enough! Okay?!

I cashed in
most of my personal days

so we could take this vacation,
and we will enjoy it together!

Now...

let's have some fun,
okay?

Okay.

I said, are we gonna
have some fun?

- Yes, sir.
- All the fun!

Damn straight.

This is actually the best start
to a vacation we have ever had.

There's no chairs!

Why are there
no chairs?

Just look and see
if somebody's getting up.

Oh, oh, oh!
Oh, oh, oh!

There's three. There's three.
Move, move, move. Go.

Three?
T-There's six of us.

You shared a womb.
You can share a chair.

Go, go, go!

Goodness.

Oh, God.

Ugh. These chairs are
by the bathroom.

I know. It stinks.
It's disgusting.

Dad, can you talk
to someone?

Who?
The Chair Wizard?

Alright, you know what?

We're staking claim
right here, alright?

Circle the wagons.
This is now Johnsonville!

Johnsonville.
Man, we really need this, Mom,

- don't we?
- Yes.

I mean, you have been stuck
in wall-to-wall surgeries,

and sometimes Stevens & Lido
keeps me till, like, 6:30.

Yeah.
Basically the same job.

You know, I am glad
you see the hustle.

- Mm-hmm.
- Alright, I'm gonna go do a lap.

Oh. So, when are we gonna hit
the resort water park?

What?

We just sat down.

But they got an insane slide
called the Lemon Drop.

- It has 32 loops.
- Ooh!

They won't even let you on
if you have a full bladder.

I just carried half of the room
down here.

I haven't even
had a chance

to make fun
of white people's sunburn yet.

Come on, Dad.
Please?

Come on!
It's a family vacation!

That's what you do
on a family vacation.

It'll be fun!

Okay! Okay.

Give me five minutes,

alright, so I can pick out
my sunburn champs.

Oh,
thank you so much.

You're on the clock.

Come on, Devante.

Let's go.

- Thanks, Diane.
- Mm-hmm.

Babe.
Huh?

Look at that couple over there
by the stairs.

They're not on the clock.

They're too Black and sexy
to worry about time.

They look like us
during the three seconds

between when we met
and when we had kids.

- That was a great three seconds, babe.
- So good, Dre.

What happened
to our Black and sexy?

I don't know.

Now we're just
Black and tired.

They look like they're having
such a nice vacation.

You know what?

We could probably get a little
of what they have.

What do you mean?

You know,
who says the vacation

has to always be
about the kids?

Well, I mean...
You know what?

We can take them
to the nice restaurant.

The kids are old enough.
Devante's off the boob.

You're right.
Mm.

We are paying
for this vacation.

- We should do what we want to do.
- Exactly.

The perfect vacation starts no...

Stand back and watch
the King of Corn Hole

toss his bag.

Ooh!

Looks like the King of Corn Hole
needs to work on his aim.

I'm used to
two-pound bags.

I'm so sorry
about that.

If you wanted to meet me,
you could've just said "hello."

I'm Lily.

Andre.

So, what are you
doing here?

Besides throwing bean bags
at strangers?

Well, I work
at a pretty intense job

in the ad industry.

You know, grinding.

But, you know,
sometimes it's important

to set your e-mail
to "out of office,"

kick back, and reward yourself
for all of your successes.

- Our mom and dad brought us here.
- Mm-hmm.

Both of those things
can be true.

It's okay,
I'm here with my family, too.

Maybe we could
ditch our families

and meet up
at the club later?

I got to check my schedule.

The only thing on your schedule
is dinner with your parents.

Mm.

Well, maybe I'll catch up
with you later, then.

Yeah. You will.

Try not to bean any other girls
between now and then.

Why, Diane?

Why?

It's my vacation, too,
Andre.

After 10 water slides,
three shave ice runs,

and five minutes where Devante
locked himself in the bathroom,

Bow and I were thrilled
to sit down

for a nice, civilized dinner
with the entire family.

Uh, I don't see
butter noodles anywhere.

Mm.
Come on, Jack.

This is a nice place,
man.

Try something new.

I'm just saying... they've got
butter, they've got noodles.

I'm just gonna ask them
to make it off menu.

We can pay the upcharge.

Pshew, pshew.

Why does
the piano guy keep playing jazz?

Yo, Elton John!
Do you know Post Malone?!

- Post Malone!
- Hey!

Can we just enjoy this dinner
as a family?

- Yes.
- Welp,

it is about that time.

I am gonna go meet Lily
at Club Coronado.

She's got daddy issues
and I've got understanding eyes.

No!

Sit your ass down.

All we wanted was
one nice family dinner,

and you guys can't even
let us have that.

- We did everything you wanted.
- Everything.

- Water parks.
- Ugh.

- Shaved ice stations.
- Pfft.

Horseback riding
on the beach.

Yeah, because family vacations
are about the kids.

What? Come on.
You know the score, dawg.

Y'all are t*rrorists.

And you know what?

We don't negotiate
with t*rrorists.

We are done
catering to your demands.

You don't deserve
this vacation.

We do.

- Mm-hmm.
- Yeah. You kids.

You just don't
understand.

Unh-unh.

You are one of them.

And you know
what we're about to do, Junior?

We are dumping
all of your siblings on you

so your mom and I can go see
whatever Club Coronado is.

Dad I've got to go
see about a girl.

- Mom...
- Hey!

Look at me.

You are the parent now.

And as of this moment,
your mom and I are on vacation.

How do you like that score,
dawg?

Mm-hmm.

And don't even
think about running,

because we have
your passports.

So, we ditched our kids
in favor of

an adult rendezvous
at Club Coronado.

This place is sexy.

Yeah, it is.

I feel like I'm on
The Rock's Instagram.

To us.

Mm.

To us being out at night
and looking so good.

Mm!

And pretending
that we love this mescal.

Oh. Well, speak for yourself.
I do love it.

- Mm. Babe, look.
- Mm?

There's that other
Black couple... you know,

the ones that look like they belong
on the cover of a fitness DVD?

Hey! Black LaLanne!
Light-Skin Fonda!

Hey, we're celebrating.

- Come join us.
- Come over!

- Alright.
- Alright.

- Hey.
- Hey, guys.

- How are you?
- How are you?

- Alright.
- Alright.

- That's a pretty dress.
- Hi.

- How's it going?
- Doing alright?

So, what are we celebrating?
Birthday? Anniversary?

Nope.
We abandoned our children.

- Yes, we did.
- What?

Just for one
night, though.

- Okay.
- Do not call "Dateline."

- Okay, we won't.
- = Okay, good.

This is my husband.
This is Dre Johnson,

- and I am Dr. Rainbow Johnson.
- Hey. How are you?

- So nice to meet you.
- Tanya and Lewis Chaplin.

So, how did you guys
abandon your children?

Yes.

- We are on a surf trip.
- Mm-hmm.

We actually
don't have kids.

Oh?
Well, you want some?

- We have five, and we don't
mind giving up a few. - Five.

- Maybe three, four.
- Yep.

- Mm, we're gonna pass on taking one
of your children. - Yeah, we're good.

- Really?
- Yeah.

But maybe you guys
could help us

finish off this bottle
of Japanese whiskey.

Ohh!

- It is a good one.
- One second, one second.

- It's Junior. Junior.
- Diapers?!

Worse than
the one on the plane!

Had to use a tamale husk!

- We'll take that bottle.
- Yes! There we go.

Mm. Alright.

Cheers.

To Black faces
in white spaces.

- There it is.
- That's right. -I like that.

So, a surfer couple, huh?

Yeah. It, uh, it kind of
became our thing.

- Ohh.
- That's really sweet.

- You know, we have a thing, too.
- Mm-hmm.

Yes, we do.

So, when the kids go to bed,
we get in bed...

Oh.

...and we watch...

"Madam Secretary"...

..until we fall asleep.

And to be honest, we haven't
made it through an episode yet,

so we have no idea what
this woman is the secretary of.

That's hilarious.

Oh, man.

Uh, listen,
I can't tell you

how happy we are
that we met you guys...

- Ohh!
- ..but, uh, we have an early morning.

- No! What?
- What?

- Yeah. Sorry.
- Yeah.

Believe me, there is nothing
like watching the sunrise

from a board
100 yards from shore.

Ohh. It is like we are the
only two people in the world.

- Mm-hmm.
- Aww.

- You guys have a good night.
- Alright?

So great talking to you.
Enjoy the sunrise!

Thank you. We will. - Good night.

Good night.

- Baby?
- Mm?

I want to learn
how to surf.

- Dre...
- Hmm?

- You don't know how to swim.
- I don't.

- You hate the water.
- I do.

You have
zero upper-body strength.

Okay, I don't want to
learn how to surf,

but I do want
what Tanya and Lewis have.

I know, right?
Come on. It's so sweet.

- It is.
- To have something that's just for us.

- Mm-hmm.
- You know?

Dre, I want to
watch the sunrise with you.

Baby, we would,

if only it weren't
so early

- in the morning.
- It's so early.

♪ Oh, give me the b*at, boys,
and free my soul ♪

♪ I wanna get lost... ♪

Thanks
for being flexible.

I promise karaoke will be
just as fun as Club Coronado.

Yeah, no problem.

Are you sure Devante's okay?
It's kind of loud.

Uh, yeah, no,
he's... he's fine.

He can...
He can sleep through anything.

So...
what's your song?

Oh, I-I don't know
if I can get up there alone.

Oh. I got you.

Why don't we, uh, do...
"Crazy in Love"?

It's a great duet.

Plus, we'll put
our own little twist on it,

and I'll do
all the Beyoncé parts.

Junior.
I'm not feeling so good.

Well,
get Diane to take you back.

I am working here!

She already left.
She's worse than I am.

She ralphed
in one of the plants.

It's okay if your brother's sick
and you need to go.

Nah, he's fine.

Just start practicing saying
"So crazy."

Go back to the room
and choke down a ginger ale.

- From the minibar?
- Yes!

Dad'll k*ll us.

Please take me back.

Alright.

You know what?

Why don't we, uh, take this back
to my semi-private patio?

- We've got...
- Just find me tomorrow.

What... No, no.
I-I can save this.

He's... He's fine.
He's doing... He's doing great.

Jack?

Bow and I finally had

a real vacation moment
at Club Coronado,

and the next day,
we tried to stay in it.

Last night was
so much fun, Dre.

I don't remember
the last time

that I saw you do
the Running Man.

- Wow.
- Yeah!

- I did that?
- Ooh!

Oh, well,
somebody had some fun.

Oh, we had a ball.

- Here comes the tall one.
- Oh, God.

Guys, I don't think the twins
are getting any better.

Didn't I see Jack at breakfast
this morning?

He ruined
$100 worth of eggs.

Pbbbbbbht.

And I checked up
on Diane,

and she was too weak
to insult me.

Jack and Diane
just have a cold.

You got this.

- But...
- No buts!

Junior...

I go to the hospital,
and I work my ass off,

and then I come back home,

and I work my ass off
for you kids,

but you know what?

My ass is done
working itself off.

Damn it, I love you.

- Hey, babe?
- Hmm?

Should we go
to the restaurant tonight

and spend stupid amounts
of money on each other?

Seafood tower?

And truffle
mac and cheese.

Boom! Sorry, Junior.
You're watching the kids.

Tonight, Daddy's gonna
get indigestion.

And Mommy's
gonna feed Daddy Tums

like they're grapes.

Begone!
Au revoir!

Our romantic adult dinner
did not disappoint.

We were making the most
of our quality time together.

- Oh, hey, babe.
- What?

- Directly behind you...
- Okay.

..there is
a sister-wife situation.

- Stop it, Dre.
- Turn around.

- Okay. Hold on. Ready?
- Right behind, right?

Mm. Oh...

- Mm?
- No.

What?
No.

That is a husband, a wife,
and a daughter.

Fathers don't feed daughters
oysters, Bow.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

I'm enjoying you so much
right now.

Oh, baby, I know.
This is uncut Bow/Dre magic.

- Yes, it is.
- Ohh.

Makes me want to cut it into
rocks and sell it near a school.

Hey, babe.
Yeah?

- Let's run away.
- Ooh.

Let's go on one of those trips
we've always planned on going to

but never got around
to doing.

You know what?
Let's go to Paris.

Yes.

- Oui?
- Oui, oui.

We can plan it
for our next Christmas break.

Are you kidding me?
Oh, my God.

We could do New Year's Eve
at the Eiffel Tower.

Can you imagine Devante
with a little beret?

Stop it right now.

- Close every door.
- No.

- No.
- What?

- Let's go now.
- What?

Because if we plan it,
w-we'll put it off

and keep waiting until Devante's
out of the house.

By then,
we'll be my parents' age.

Let's go to Paris
next weekend.

Just you and me.

No water slides,
no... no butter noodles,

no negotiating an hour
here and there.

Come on, Bow.
What do you say?

We can't do that.

What?

Dre, I wish
it was that easy,

but we don't have
that kind of life.

Yes, we do have
that kind of life.

Mm...

no, we don't.

Okay, well,
let's make it...

Okay.
I'm just, uh...

I have a filet
for the lady.

- Tha... Thank you so much.
- Thank you. There you go.

- And for the gentleman...
- You know what?

I've, uh...

I've suddenly
lost my appetite.

Uh...

Uh, please send my French fries
to the pool.

♪♪

♪♪

Hello, man-baby.

I'm sorry I left.

How was your steak?

I dropped it
on the ground.

And they sent my fries
to another pool.

I would love
to go to Paris with you.

And I love that you made
such a romantic gesture.

But going away,
just the two of us...

It feels selfish.

It...

- We both love our kids.
- Mm-hmm.

And we love
spending time all together.

But it's not selfish to want
some alone time as a couple.

I know, Dre, but I already deal
with so much guilt

when I'm away from the kids
even if it's for work.

Why?

Our kids need us to work,

and I don't feel guilt
because of that.

Because you're not
a working mother.

Dre, please,
try to understand.

When I go to work,
it feels like me time.

So when I spend any other time
away from the kids,

even if it's with you,
it just feels selfish.

Look, I love
that after 20 years,

you still get upset

that we don't spend
enough time alone together.

And we will go to Paris.

I just need you
to meet me halfway.

Atlanta?

Oh, my God.

Your jokes are so bad.

No, babe,
we're gonna go to Paris,

but we got to bring
the kids.

And then we can just
promise each other

that we're gonna get
two dinners alone.

Can the kids fly coach?

I mean, they don't even
have to sit together.

They can all have middle seats,
for all I care.

Okay. Well, then,
Paris, here we come.

But in the meantime, why don't
we go back up to the room,

slip into something
a little more comfortable...

Okay.
...and...

watch "Madam Secretary"?

Did you know
that in this country,

they call it
"Señora Gobierna"?

Mm!

I'm gonna give you a five-second
head start to the room.

- Really?
- Mm-hmm.

- Okay.
- Starting now.

Starting now.
One...

- Five...
- Mm-hmm.

...four...

- Excuse me, sir.
- ..three...

- Excuse me.
- ..two...

- Oh.
- ..one.

Too late! I got you!

Whew. Feel like
a whole new man.

Thanks for taking
such good care of me, Junior.

I didn't know
my eyes could shiver.

Oh, no.
You're sick?

You sneezed in my mouth!

Oh, wait, wait, Jack, just...
Please, just stay with me.

Eh, put something simple
on the TV.

I wonder what Bob and Abishola
are up to.

Well, I would love to,

but Diane said the buffet has
unlimited chicken fingers,

so you do the math.

I stayed with you.

I cared for you.

I turned down a moonlit walk
on the beach with Lily

to be by your side!

Well,
that's on you, playboy.

Well, eh, before you leave,
I mean...

can you at least...

I'm gonna sneeze
on his toothbrush.

Most of us
don't take enough time away,

which is a shame,

because you can learn
a lot about yourself.

Oh, hey.
Johnsons, checking out.

Jet Skis and buffets?
I think I found my brand.

I'm this guy now.

I'm just glad I talked you out
of getting your hair braided.

I just don't understand why
we couldn't have used that cart.

Andre.

I'm glad I caught you
before you left.

I know
it didn't work out here,

but maybe we could
get together sometime.

Yeah.
I'm... I'm down.

You live in South I.,
right?

Yep.
Southern Louisiana.

But my mom caught my dad
sexting his periodontist,

so he's taking all of us
to Disneyland next summer.

Really?

Yeah.

Hot Boy Next Summer.

Mm! Let's go.

So, we can surf the 5-foot
swells 10 minutes from here,

but there's 8-foot swells
20 minutes from here.

When we agreed
to make surfing our thing,

the deal was you weren't gonna
get all "Lewis" about it.

I don't know what that means.
Why would you say that?

And what we learned was that
we can have a wonderful time,

both alone and with our kids.

You ready to get back
to the grind?

It's not so bad.

Thank you for your stay,
Dr. and Mr. Johnson.

Would you like to purchase
the robes and towels

that the staff reported missing
from your room?

You might want to charge
us for a pair of slippers, too.

We also took those.

Hey, hey, hey.

After you, Doctor.

- Oh, you got that?
- Mm-hmm.

Mm.

Welcome back, Dre.
Boy, did we miss you.

We had to name a Black character
in an ad we were doing,

and Josh got
a little loose with it.

Uh... Jerome, Tookie,
and, uh... De'Nickashaw.

I don't know
any better.

Hey,
how was your trip?

Love hearing
about family vacations.

Never got to go on one.

Oh, uh,
my family vacation was great.

Yeah, I got to spend some good
quality time with my family.

Good. Nice.

Well, it sounds like
a well-earned break.

Ah, hey! Lucy!

You work here again?

Yeah. I'm back.

Yeah.
Um, about that.

Now that Dre's here,

we no longer need,
um, an "other," so...

Well...

lawsuit's back on.

I just have to say,
working with you guys

has been a complete
**** disaster,

and I hope you die and have
shallow **** graves *******

She seems good.

- Mom!
- Shh! Daddy's working!