06x17 - You Don't Know Jack

Episode transcripts for the TV show "blackish". Aired September 2014 - current.*
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A family man struggles to gain a sense of cultural identity while raising his kids in a predominantly white, upper-middle-class neighborhood.
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06x17 - You Don't Know Jack

Post by bunniefuu »

As a dad,
I know my kids inside and out.

If being up on what they
were into was a game show,

I'd win every time.

It's time to play
"You Do Know Jack,"

with your host,
Joel McHale!

Welcome back.

Let's get right into it
with our returning champ.

Jack's dad, Andre Johnson.

First question.

For $100, who does Jack think
is in every limousine?

Michael B. Jordan.

[ Ding! I Correct!
Next question.

For $200,
what is Jack allergic to?

Yellow jackets.

Correct!

Bonus question.

What does he say
he's allergic to?

Haters!

[ Ding! I Exactly.
You are on a roll.

Okay, now, for $10 billion

and a washer/dryer...

...what after-school club
did Jack join today?

You've got 10 seconds
on the clock.

Dance.

Skate dance?

Cheerleading by accident?

Oh! I am sorry, Jack.

Tell your idiot dad
what he should have known.

I joined
robotics club.

I said I joined robotics club.

Ah.
On purpose?

Well, I'm sorry,
big fella.

Let's say goodbye to our
big loser, Andre Johnson.

Okay, stay tuned
for our next show,

"Why Are Junior's Showers
So Long?"

So, what made you
choose robotics?

Oh, a-and a follow-up
to that question,

what is robotics?

It's a club where
we build robots,

program them to
perform tasks,

and compete against
other schools.

- Yeah.
- Ah. Sounds great.

- But why would you want to do that?
- Wait, wait, wait.

This isn't so you can
build your own cop, is it?

Dre, I told you he was too young
to see that movie.

No, Mom. Mason's a member, and
he said I should check it out.

- Oh, that's nice.
- Mm.

I've been setting a lot
of trends this year. - Oh.

During attendance,
I started saying "Ya heard"

when the teachers
call my name.

Turns out the club
is pretty cool.

- We need to do some research.
- Huh.

Let's go upstairs and watch
"WALL-E," Mason.

Ya heard.

Oh. Yep. G-Got it.

- Yeah. You know what? It's...
- That's good, Mason.

You know,

I would've
never guessed robotics,

- but he seems happy.
- Yeah.

I was worried when he got cut
from the basketball team

because he was so sad
and lost.

I know.
He was a bummer, Dre.

Mama gets enough of that
at work.

Can't come home to it.
Not enough wine in this house.

Nope. Thank God we
encouraged him to find his thing.

Wha... Mm. Okay.

Andre, you brought our child
to one step show.

I am the parent who steered him
towards math and science.

You took him beekeeping.

That's a science.

- Is it?
- Yeah.

Bees do all the work.

We snatch their honey
with no compensation.

Huh. Sounds a lot like
something else we know. Okay.

Stop making everything
about sl*very.

I wish I could, Bow.

I wish I could.

Ugh!

You know what I hate?

Silent alarms.
Loiter laws.

Fire extinguishers.

Men with ponytails.
Girls named after months.

Rachael Ray.

Yes, but I also hate that I have
to do this assignment.

- What assignment?
- It's a five-page paper

on the life of
an inspiring woman.

- Double-spaced?
- Single.

- Oof!
- Stakes are high.

Well, all you got
to do is make sure

that the person that you ask
has lived a lot of life.

A lot of life.

Got it.

Hey, Grandma.

- Yes?
- I need a favor.

Can you hook me up
with a woman

who's led an
interesting life?

What?

Uh, yes, me!

I'm the most interesting person
in this house.

I don't know, you just worked
at the post office.

Just worked at
the post office?

Little girl, I integrated
the post office.

You think Compton had
a Black mail woman before me?

When I started, the place
looked like a Vermont jail!

Hmm. Interesting.

- Civil rights pioneer.
- Mm-hmm.

That'll fill two pages.

Alright, Grandma,
let's do this.

Um, okay, uh, did you
ever defuse a mail b*mb

or deliver a giant
sweepstakes check?

Oh, sweetie,
bigger than that.

Now, the story
begins with me...

Hold on.
I'm gonna put on a pot of tea.

Yeah. And get a pair
of earmuffs for the baby.

This is gonna
be a spicy story.

Hey, Sha.
Hey, look here, man.

I'm not gonna be able to make
the Clipper game Saturday night.

Got to take my son to
his robotics competition.

No, man, I don't know
if the robots have boobs.

Hey, I got to go.
I'll talk to you later.

You know,
it is so great

that you're getting
behind Jack

and supporting
his interest in robotics.

It's what I do.

No, actually, it's...
It's not what you do at all

which is why
it is so impressive.

You know,
I'm serious, Dad.

There are so many
parents these days

who are too scared to put
their kids in situations

where they're gonna be
really challenged.

Jack has got that fire
back in his eyes.

Ah. He has that same look he had

when he b*at those grown-ups
in that hot-dog-eating contest.

Yeah.

Well, you know Valley Glen
Prep's robotics team

has always been
pretty intense.

- Mm-hmm.
- Remember my friend Samir?

Of course I do. He was
your only brown friend.

Yeah, he was on the robotics
team, and the stress got to him.

- Really?
- Yep.

He had a breakdown,
converted to Mormonism,

and ended up going to college
in Utah.

Almost got kicked out
for drinking an iced tea.

Wow.

- All because of robots?
- Yep.

But, you know, that's what makes
what you're doing so amazing.

You're just throwing
caution to the wind

and chucking Jack into the deep
end with no life jacket.

Uh-huh.
That's what I'm doing.

But both of us know
he is gonna do great things.

Uh, yeah, yeah!

Yeah, bo...
both of us know that.

You know,
I am so proud of you.

You probably don't hear this enough,
but you're a great dad.

Junior's pep talk spun me out.

I had to make sure Jack wasn't
going to take another loss.

Huh.

- Okay, hey, babe?
- Yeah.

Uh, maybe we need to
pull Jack out of this.

- What?
- This doesn't look too safe.

I mean, look, that...
That kid over there

is using
electrical tools.

- Mm-hmm.
- Jack could lose a finger.

A-And what do you do
with this thing, huh?

B... Ow!

- Dre.
- What?

You make coffee.
It's a coffee maker.

What happened to being
all-in for robotics?

This is the reason
I discourage you

from coming to
school functions.

Okay, look, look,
it's just that Jack

finally got that fire
back in his eyes,

and if he fails at this,
that fire might go out forever.

Well, if he's gonna get
into robotics, baby,

there's some things
I need to know.

Like, how much is this
gonna cost us?

Because this stuff,
it looks expensive.

I mean, there's supplies
for the robots,

pictures with the robots,
robot food.

I just don't want
to get scammed.

- Okay.
- Oh, speaking of scams.

- No, no. No,
- I... Hey, hey, Biggs.

Uh, what kind
of money grab

y'all got going on
with this here?

This is all included in tuition,
Mr. Johnson.

I'm so sorry.
He hasn't eaten lunch today.

Oh. Wow.

What are you doing,
Dre?

No, Bow,
what are you doing?

I don't think Jack
is ready for this, babe.

Hey, guys.
Check out my robot.

Oh, wow.
Your robot?

- Take a look.
- Enter command.

- You built this?
- Yeah, I built this from scratch,

and then I coded
a few simple commands.

Watch.

Simple commands?

Son,
you gave this thing life.

You are a life giver.

My son is a genius,
everybody!

A genius.
He get it from his daddy.

You said you weren't
bringing him.

- He said he wasn't coming.
- Genius!

I was proud of Jack and his
robot, even if it was named

after my least favorite Laker.

Ooh!
LeBot James does it again!

Alright. Let's run it once more
from the top, alright?

Can you make it
do that again?

Of course I can, Dad.
I programmed it.

Okay.
Yes, you did program it.

Yes, you did!

"Star Wars" ain't
got nothing on you.

- Hey, Bow.
- Yeah?

Put your phone down
and come over here

and look at your son's
greatness.

Uh...
He's a genius.

Where was all
this enthusiasm

when I did
the half-marathon?

Well, I was half-happy
for you.

Please continue

to intellectually distance
yourself from this man.

Oh. I love that
you're doing robotics, sweetie.

Hey, not as much
as I love it.

Alright. I'm gonna shut
LBJ down for the night.

It's all about load management
before regionals.

- Mm.
- You do that, son.

- So...
- Mm-hmm.

- Well, good night, LeBot.
- Ooh!

Good night.

Hey, Bow.

Can you believe that
Jack is a science kid?

I was not expecting this.

All the dreams that d*ed
when Junior dropped out,

they've come back to life.

Yeah, well, I'm gonna be there
for him and his team,

- whatever they need.
- Mm-hmm.

I'm talking about computers,
batteries,

money, girls.

- Not the girls. No.
- Ah.

Maybe... Maybe something
a little more practical.

- Oh. Okay.
- Uh-huh.

- Tracksuits.
- Ah!

Yeah, you know, ladies love
a dude in a tracksuit.

- Yeah.
- Hey, you know what?

This is opening up
a whole new world, Bow.

Tell me about it.

We've got to re-evaluate
our plans for this kid.

- Got to aim higher.
- Mm-hmm.

More math,
more science in high school. - Yeah.

- Dre?
- What?

What about engineering college?

- I'm with you.
- Yeah.

He gets accepted into
a great college...

- Yeah...
- the government recruits him?

- Oh, my God.
- Bow.

- Yes?
- This is our ticket

into the Apocalypse bunker
under the Denver Airport.

There's gonna be Black people in
the future because of our son.

Yes!

And that's how my grandmother
single-handedly overcame

the institutional racism of the
United States Postal Service.

Excuse me?
So, you're saying Compton

never had a Black
mail lady before 1973?

It did not.
Let me finish my story.

Much like Jackie Robinson,

it took a certain kind
of person to endure...

Me again.

Sorry to be that guy,

but looks like there
were quite a few Black women

who worked there
before 1973.

But this is what
my grandma told me.

It's okay, Diane,
my grandmother told me

Obama
was born in Kenya,

and now she doesn't come
to Thanksgiving anymore.

No, no, no, you have
to understand,

my grandmother was the first
Black mail carrier in Compton.

That's why Quincy Jones
chose her to personally

deliver his Grammy...

Oh...

Uh, can I get
an extension?

It doesn't matter
at this point.

Okay.

The Super Bowl of robotics

is called the FIRST Robotics
Competition.

And the same way
the Mannings play football,

the Johnsons were about
to become robot people.

Go, Jack!
You got this, baby!

Isn't it nice
that one of our kids

has finally found a sport
that makes sense?

- Mm-hmm.
- Oh, and Jack is

so enthusiastic
about this.

Way more realistic than him
joining the A$AP mob.

- Mm-hmm.
- Oh, oh.

Looks like Jack is
up next.

Those judges better
be nice to him.

I know how to put
somebody in a coma

without leaving
any evidence.

That's why I love you.

Oh, hey!
Here he goes!

- Hey.
- Hey, hey.

- Uh-huh.
- Good job, sweetheart.

Good job.
My son, he programmed that.

He's gonna work for NASA.
Yeah, Black Bill Gates.

Black Bill Gates!

Black Bill Gates!

BBG!

Way to go, Jack!
Whoo-whoo!

That's our kid.

Okay!
Oh!

They have a flair
for the dramatic, I see.

Look at this!
It's like a stage show in Vegas.

Alright!

- Oh. Okay. Wow.
- Whoa.

Wow!

Why are those robots so big
and... and Jack's is so...

Dinky.

I think the word
you're looking for is dinky.

My kid programmed
that one.

Whoa.

Oh.

You boned me,
Grandma.

I told your little postal story
to my class, and it's all lies.

I'm sure it was just
a misunderstanding.

It was no
misunderstanding.

Our grandmother
straight-up lies.

She doesn't lie.

She's just lived
an incredible life.

Uh, Grandma,
you can prove

that you were Pam Grier's
body double, right?

W-Well, yeah.
I mean...

But Magic Johnson
is your cousin, right?

Well, if you go back far enough,
I know he is.

My application to
the Navajo Nation

is coming back rejected, isn't it?

How could you let me buy
all that turquoise?

Look, I-I don't have
to explain myself

to some grown-ass man
who thought his light eyes

were gonna get him
a casino check.

You made me
humiliate myself

in front of my entire class,
Grandma.

Forget it. I'm just gonna
go with Mom's story

of when she found that potato
that looked like Tom Hanks.

Hey, Diane.
Diane, Diane, wait, wait.

Come on, now.
I'm sorry.

I didn't mean to embarrass you
by making up that story.

I just... You know, I thought
I'd say something cool

for all your friends.

But the truth is,
you were right about me.


I just don't have
an impressive story.

Hold up, Grandma.
That isn't true.

I mean, you raised an entire
family as a single mother.

Junior, half the women on
my block were single mothers.

Well, you're the only
person I know

who's fired a g*n
at someone.

If you were alive in the '70s,

you fired a g*n
at someone.

That's certainly
not a story.

Grandma, you blew up a boat
and got away with it.

Well, I don't know if I got
away with it entirely.

I'm not legally allowed in
or around the ocean.

Alright, look,
enough of this, okay?

I'm gonna call
one of my girlfriends

who served on City Council
for 25 years,

and we'll get your paper
fixed up, okay?

No, Grandma.

This is it.

This is the assignment.

I'm gonna do it about you,
the real you.

The one that
inspires me.

To v*olence
without consequence.

Well, in that case,

let me tell you about
the time I found out

how much arsenic
wouldn't k*ll your grandfather.

- Okay.
- Yeah.

There they go...
Two very dangerous women.

Way to go, Kevin!

Uh, hey.
Uh, excuse me.

Uh, what is this?

Uh, this is robotics.

If this is robotics, what
the hell was my son doing?

Uh, his best?

Oh, I hope not, because those
robots are doing windmill dunks.

Jack's robot couldn't even
make it to the gym.

Hey, how can kids this young
build robots like this?

It's not that tough.

All you really need is a basic
understanding of C or C++.

I take it you're not
talking about grades.

No.

How do you know so much
about this, man?

What are you,
a-a rocket scientist?

Aerospace engineer,
but I won't bust your balls.

Oh, no.

My son's playing checkers

while the robots these kids
designed are playing chess.

We're all in over our heads.

Jack is doomed.

Ah, hey, Dad.

Hey!
There's my boy genius!

Ha. Look.
Isn't it cool?

It's a real medal,
not like the fake ones

Pops wears to get
on airplanes early.

Ah.
You know what, son?

I'm proud of you, man.
That's great.

You know, I wasn't
sure about robotics,

but now I'm really
feeling it.

Who knows what
this could lead to?

I could become
an engineer.

Yeah. Oh,
I could end up working for NASA.

Uh-huh.

I could end up being
on the design team

that comes up with
the next space shuttle.

Well, I don't know about
the space shuttle, son.

What?

Hey, you did great
out there,

and I'm proud of you,
you know,

but only the best of the best
get to work on stuff like that.

So I can't be the best
of the best?

I'm just saying maybe we should
manage your expectations.

You're telling me
to manage expectations?

You got a 2019
Clippers championship tattoo

before the season
started.

Wow. I didn't expect you to
become one of the haters, Dad.

What?

You know I'm allergic.

I had let my son down
by telling him the truth.

Which is why I always say,
"Lying saves lives."

Hey.
Where's Jack?

I don't know.
He's, uh, you know,

probably getting
an ice cream... - Oh.

...or hanging out
with his friends

or crying in a corner

because his father
doesn't believe in him.

What did you do?

Jack said he wanted
to build rockets,

and I might have said
that he couldn't do it.

- Dre.
- What?

The brave men and women
of the space program

put themselves
in enough danger.

What was I supposed
to do, huh?

He's acting like
robotics is his future.

Maybe it is.

- Bow.
- Yeah?

- Look around you.
- Huh? What?

Alright. Jack is in
way over his head,

and we can't help
him catch up,

because we are in way
over our heads, - Too, Bow.

N-No... You know what?
Name me two jobs at NASA.

- Uh, okay. Uh, astronaut and...
- Mm-hmm.

...hidden figure.

- See? And you're the science parent.
- Okay.

How is this gonna be
his thing?

Dre, maybe his thing is just
enjoying himself

and... and discovering
a new interest.

But is that enough?

I want to do more, but I don't
want to see him fail again.

Maybe there isn't more
for you to do, Dre.

Maybe it's just about
cheering him on

when he has a great day
like today.

Yeah.

He did do good today,
didn't he?

- Yes, he did.
- Yeah, well, slow your roll.

- He didn't k*ll it.
- Dre.

- I mean, the robot arm, it...
- Come on.- Sorry.

Oh. But I couldn't
help overhearing.

Okay. You know,
when I first got into inventing,

- my parents didn't get it either.
- Mm.

But they supported it,
and that meant the world to me.

Okay, you know, buddy,
I don't mean to c-cut you off,

but, uh, I don't really
talk to weirdos

at, uh, robotic competitions,
you know?

- It's just how I was raised.
- Oh, no.

I get that a lot.

- Yeah, I bet you do.
- Okay, Dre.

What? You just called
Dean Kamen a weirdo.

Look.

Yeah,
that man right there.

Correction...
you let me

call Dean Kamen
a weirdo.

- This one is on you.
- Hey, hey, Dean!

Hey, is Pluto still a planet,
or is it just a star now?!

Hey.

That's a good spot
for that.

I put it with
my basketball trophy

and the hot-dog-eating
contest.

Ah, it really tells
"The Story of Jack."

Oh, let me read
this story of Jack.

Hey, son.

I just want to say I'm sorry
for what I said before.

You were right.

I was hatin'
for a minute.

But the truth is...

I just want to let you know
I'm proud of you.

You know,
this whole robot thing

is new to me
and kind of scary.

Of course
it's scary to you.

You were born before
the light bulb.

Hmm? Robotics was scary for me,
too, in the beginning,

but then I saw that you learn
more from your failures

than you do
from your successes.

Alright. Yeah!

A-And that's not all.

It made me realize that I can
apply that to everything.

School, TikToks,
cooking.

Today I made a ham
and peanut butter sandwich.

- That was a hard fail.
- Mm.

But... But, hey, tomorrow
I can try ham and jelly.

Who knows?

Yeah, son.
Who knows?

I think robotics
is your thing.

Yeah, I'm... I'm happy that
you're learning from this

and that
you're so into it.

I'm proud of you,
Mr. Roboto.

Thanks, Dad.

Hey, let's get serious
for a second.

Whose job do you think will be
replaced by a robot first?

Mine
or your mother's?

Probably Mom's.

Yes!

Because yours won't exist
in five years.

Uh...

But I don't have
any savings, son.

...and that's how my grandmother
found herself in maritime jail

with a snitch named Sheila,

and, as you can tell
from my earlier stories...

- Ruby don't like no snitch!
- Ruby don't like no snitch!

Exactly.

I'm sorry, I just have
a problem believing that

if you grandmother caused
all this physical

and mental damage,
that she could coexist

in the same house
as your grandfather.

Oh, be quiet, Jackson!

Now, tell us more about
your grandmother.

I'm feeling powerful,
like when I listen to Lizzo.

Okay.
Well, the year was 1983.

A young Terry McMillan
watched my grandma

throw a bunch of
my grandfather's clothes

into his car.

And the rest will live in
cinematic and literary history.

Wow. Wow.
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