06x19 - Dad Bod-y of Work

[bunniefuu]

I'm a great dad.
No, I'm the greatest dad.

If Nas and Michael Jordan

had a baby that was
a great dad, it'd be me.

Tuition.

Paid in full.

Cash?

I threw a little something
extra in for you.

Pah-pow!

I support them academically.

Dad, I'm having
the hardest time with algebra.

Well, good thing you
came to the math king.

If Nas and Michael Jordan

had a baby that was
great at math, it'd be me.

And I'm always there for them
when they need me the most.

- Hey, son.
- Yeah.

That street cat chased me up here again.

Yeah, you're gonna have
to stop walking around

with meat in your pocket.

Hey, Bow!

Gonna need my ladder.

I pride myself on being
the GOAT of dads.

So, if there's something
I'm not doing, it's news to me.

Good morning.

Dre Johnson, right?

Yeah

Vincent Broadnax. New dad here.

Oh! Hey, Vincent. Welcome, man.

Always good to have another
brother at the school.

Hey, if there's anything
I can help you with,

I got your back.

Well, there is one thing.

Anything.

I'd like you to volunteer for

the Valley Glen Give Back Day.

Nope.

I thought he was going to ask me

which teachers are r*cist.

Volunteer?

No, thank you.

Volunteer?

- Come on, Dre.
- Hey!

It's gonna be fun.

The Give Back Day carnival
is a chance for our kids

to see their parents
getting their hands dirty

and to do some good for
our Valley Glen community.

Hey, you know what, man?
I'm really busy at work.

You know, client dinners,
e-mails, reports.

I... You know how hard it is to get out

from under all that stuff, right?

Well, actually, I'm a stay-at-home dad.

Oh.

Okay.

That, um... Good for you.

Yeah. You know, it's the best
job I've ever had.

- I know you're busy.
- Mm.

But don't you think
it's important that dads

stay involved in their kids' lives?

Uh, you know, man?
Hey, I'm cool, all right?

A-As a matter of fact,
I'm overly involved.

You know?

M-My kids tell me to back off
all the time.

All I'm saying is you
can't get these years back,

and they go so fast.

I'm good.

All right, Josh, you have our

undivided attention. Go.

So, what's AT&T TV?

It's the new premium TV service

for all your entertainment needs...

W... Oh, no.

You guys aren't gonna believe this.

This dad at school said I'm not
involved in my kids' lives.

- What?
- Me!

Okay. Uh, Josh, you now have
half of my attention.

Oh. Okay. Great.

Uh, so, as I was saying, with AT&T TV,

you can find what you love
with a voice command.

For instance, to find "The Bachelor,"

just say, "Play 'The Bachelor.'"

It's that easy.

Outstanding work, Joshua.

I just have one question.

Who does this dad think he is, Dre?

I know, right?

Because I am super involved
in my kids' lives.

- Mm-hmm.
- Guys, if I could just

- finish this...
- Besides, I have a full-time job.

- My schedule is jam-packed.
- Yeah.

I work a hundred hours a week.

Oh, whoa. A hundred hours?

- It feels like it.
- Okay.

Meanwhile, this dude has
all the time in the world

to volunteer because
he is a stay-at-home dad.

Ha! I-I think you misheard that.

I think it's pronounced
"stay-at-home mom."

- Mnh-mnh.
- So was Mrs. Doubtfire.

Hey, let's watch it on AT&T TV,
the new premium...

- This guy is a stay-at-home dad?
- Damn it!

Yep.

- Is he under house arrest?
- Mnh-mm.

Witness protection?

Is he a ghost?

Look, I work my fingers
to the bone to provide

an incredible life for my family

while this dude goes goat yoga.

- Hmm.
- You know what?

I'm not gonna even
let him get in my head.

Woo-sah.

Let's all just take
a break and order lunch.

That is a great idea, Dre.

AT&T TV, eject three
meat lover's pizzas.

Charlie, that's not how that works.

I understand.

Eject three cheese pizzas.

They're cooking.

Hey, guys.

- Hey.
- Hey.

Oh!

So, that's what
Steve Harvey's been up to.

Anyway, I know you
didn't get your flu sh*t,

but the hospital just got restocked.

Oh, okay. Cool.
I'll make an appointment.

Oh, no, you won't.

Rainbow, why are you
trying to inject my grandson

with white people mystery chemicals?

Oh, Ruby, please tell me
you're not one of those people

that believes in the conspiracy theories

around the flu sh*t.

Ruby, you need to get one.

You are in the demographic
that is most likely

to die from the flu, Ruby.

You're old.

You don't need to
repeat your Big Fluoride

talking points to me.

I know the government uses
those flu sh*ts

to shut up strong Black women...

Joycelyn Elders, Lauryn Hill,

the first Aunt Viv.

I didn't know any of this.

Well, it's true.

No, it's not, and don't listen to her.

This is a woman who
shoves a clove of garlic

up her butt at the first sign of a cold.

And I haven't had a cough since 1979.

- Ruby...
- Wow.

...this is a flu sh*t house, okay?

The sh*t is perfectly safe, Junior.

I'm a doctor. You can trust me.

I only trust three doctors...
Scholl's, Mae C. Jemison,

and that cute little
white boy in the scrubs

that played keyboards for Prince.

The next day, I walked on to that campus

secure in my dad-hood.

Why is your volcano so heavy?

What did you fill it with? Real lava?

What? Volcano? That's a termite mound.

- Keep up, Dad.
- Okay, look, that's what

you get for having
your mother do your homework

for you, all right?

This does not look like a termite mound.

Oh, nice termite mound.

Hey, Dre. Did you think
about what I asked you?

I did, and, you know,
I got a lot going on, man.

I'm always on the clock, you know?

Your wife would understand. Ask her.

Hey, thanks for always
thinking about me, though.

Appreciate you.

Well, there's always next year.

Yeah.

Sorry you guys had to see that.

Well, you did the right thing.

That guy's got to lay off
with the volunteering.

- Mm.
- It's obvious you're a money dad.

Eh...

Yeah. You're a money dad.

Yeah, you do the things that count.

You pay for our house, our food,

our seasonal wardrobes.

Okay, I am more than just a money dad.

Mm...

Are you?

Buy yourself a new pair of shoes.

I suck at math,
but don't tell my daughter.

I'm her hero.

Can you get my son down from up there?

And, uh...

take care of that street cat.

- Make it look like an accident.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

He's gonna get you, son!

- Oh, no.
- But it's all good.

You heat the pool, get us new laptops,

you blessed us with that unlimited data.

We don't have unlimited data.

But we live like we do,
because you're a money dad.

And we love you for it.

Is that all I am to my kids?

Just a wallet in sneakers?

Oh! [Bleep]!
Is that a termite? What the...

Look, I don't think you understand

what I'm trying to say here.

Loose Craig doesn't need you
to get the dr*gs for him.

He just needs you to
write the prescription.

He'll get the dr*gs himself,
and he'll pay you.

Mm-hmm. No, I understand, Pops.

You're asking me to be a drug dealer.

And I'm not doing it.

Technically, the pharmacist
is the drug dealer.

No, Pops.

Hey. Can I ask you guys something?

Yeah, as long as it's not for
a bulk order of statins.

The kids say I'm just a money dad.

Why would they say that?

- 'Cause you are.
- Because you are.

What?

You can't be surprised, Dre.

You did hire somebody to teach Junior

how to ride a bicycle.

I don't need to hear that from you.

You were a horrible father.

Sure, by 2020 standards.

But you can't compare
fatherhood across generations.

Bob Cousy was one of the best
basketball players of his day.

Now they wouldn't even
let him hand out towels.

I love you, Pops,
but I'm pretty sure that

walking out on your family
was frowned upon back then, too.

- Mm-hmm.
- And what if I wanted to be

more involved in Dre's life?

How would that have looked?

A father hanging around the school?

- What?
- Oh, no.

They would've called the police.

Of course, that's what they
expect of dads nowadays.

I'm sorry you got a raw deal, son.

- Sorry.
- Yeah, maybe I did.

You didn't.

- But the kids don't know that.
- What?

I'm jumping in.

Dre is volunteering for
Valley Glen's Give Back Day.

You're gonna start with Give Back Day?

Mm-hmm.

Dre, that's the most
intense event of the year.

I do lice screenings so that I don't get

roped into Give Back Day.

Okay, well, then maybe this is
the perfect opportunity

for me to show the kids that I can be

just as good a father as Vincent.

I just choose not to.

You're a good woman to put up
with my son, Rainbow.

Thank you, Pops.

I saw you take the prescription pad.

- Thank you.
- Had to try.

Mm-hmm.

When the day came,

I was the most plugged-in
and enthusiastic volunteer

that Give Back Day had ever seen.

- There you are, ma'am.
- Thank you.

Oh, hey, Vincent.

Hey, hey, hey.

I don't want to brag man, but... ha...

I've got the longest line out here.

You know, I'm volunteering so hard,

Valley Glen's gonna be
able to send these kids

on a field trip to the moon.

You are the only one who
brought ribs to a bake sale.

Well, you know.

- Thanks for doing this, man.
- Mm-hmm.

Look, I know you're
super busy, so don't worry.

You'll be able to get out of here soon.

No. I don't need to get out of here.

I'm Andre Johnson,
present volunteer dad.

Hey, anything you need, I'm your guy.

- Seriously?
- Mm-hmm.

- Thank you.
- There you are. Enjoy.

Because what we
really need is for someone

to man the dunk t*nk.

It's very hard to find
parents who are willing

to insult members of our community.

Ha! A miss! Another mistake!

Just like you!

Oh! Oh, hey, wait a minute, lady.

Where's your husband at?

Oh, wait. Like you would know.

Try Ms. Johnson's house.

Oh, let's hope your daddy
has enough money

to bribe your way into SC.

Who's your daddy?

Your mama don't even know
who your daddy is.

Wow, Dad.

This is amazing.

- Mm-hmm.
- I knew you could talk trash,

- but this is next level.
- Mm-hmm.

I finally feel like I learned
something from you.

Wow.

You said you learned
all you could from me

by the age of 7.

- Yeah.
- Thanks, Diane.

- Hey, son.
- Yeah?

You want to take a whack at it?

See if you can dunk your old man?

Mm, normally, I would
love throwing stuff

at you, Dad,
but I've got to meet Savannah.

Oh. Savannah's back in the picture?

Yeah. Kind of.

We don't know what we are yet.

Why don't you take her
to the funnel cake booth

and tell her the only
thing sweeter is her?

Ooh. I like that.

- Mm-hmm.
- Thanks, Dad.

I never knew I could
talk to you about girls.

I mean, sports, food,

uh, putting your hand down
the garbage disposal, sure,

but this is a good look on you.

Oh. Thank you, son.

Sitting up on my dunk t*nk throne,

I realized the high of helping my kids

was something money couldn't buy.

Ooh!

Look who we got here!

I'm only gonna need one.

Biggsy.

You may be principal,
but here, you're my...

I played Division 1 softball at Arizona.

Better recognize.

Did you get your flu sh*t?

Yeah. Here's the thing.

I started looking into some of the stuff

Grandma's talking about,
and it seems like

the jury is still out on the flu sh*t.

For the love of God!

Junior, I would have
expected this from Jack,

but not from you.

If the point's to not get sick,

then why take a sh*t
that gives you the flu?

It doesn't give you the flu.

Okay, it gives you...

- ...a little bit of the flu, Junior...
- Mm-hmm.

...but that is because
that's the way vaccines work.

See, but there's still
so much we don't know.

- What?
- Yesterday, I saw a video

on the Internet of this girl
who got the flu sh*t,

and afterwards,
she could only walk backward.

And I saw a video of a girl
who swallowed a balloon

filled with baby powder
so she would lose weight.

- What?
- That's why

we don't go on the Internet
for medical advice.

Mom, I'm sorry.

I want to believe.

Do you?

Do you, Junior?

Do you want to believe?

I don't.

I don't. Yeah.

Well, you are bringing
a virus into this house

that is worse than the flu!

The virus of medical skepticism!

By the end of the day,

I had proven to everyone
that I wasn't just a money dad.

I could work and be involved
at my kids' school.

Above and beyond today, Big Dre.

Mm.

That's the most money
the dunk t*nk has ever made.

People really don't like you.

Oh, well, you know, the key is to find

what the thrower is most insecure about

and mock it mercilessly.

- Hey, Dad.
- Hey.

I used your funnel cake line
on Savannah,

and now she wants to meet
at the top of the Ferris wheel.

I don't know how I'm gonna
get up there, but still, thanks.

And I used some of your insults

to make an 11th-grader cry.

I think she might jump me,
but it was amazing.

You see those smiles?

That's why we do it, Dre.

I want to do more of that.

Hey, I'm all in.

Well, if you like,

there are plenty more
opportunities to volunteer.

We need lunch help on
Tuesdays and Thursdays,

the D&D club needs an advisor,

and we're always looking
for people to help out

in the community garden
on Monday mornings.

Okay, whoa, whoa, whoa, hold on.

How am I supposed to do
all that when I have work?

Well, that's the choice, man.

Kind of hard to do both.

So, while I'm at work like a dope,

you get to spend time with
your number-one people?

Quality time, getting
to know your kids better?

Ah, that's the joy of
being a stay-at-home dad.

Oh, man. I want that joy.

You did what you could.

And maybe in another six months,
you can do it again.

I...

I wasn't having it all.

I was just getting a reminder
of what I was missing out on.

Uh, by the way, you might
want to get an Uber.

There's an angry mob
waiting by your car.

Okay.

Ooh.

All right, Loose Craig
is willing to let go

- of the prescription pad thing.
- Mm.

But do you have a way to get bulk gauze?

No!

Actually, I can help you with that.

- What?
- Yes.

- Hey.
- Hey.

Where have you been?

You were supposed to be home hours ago.

And why are you so ashy?

Ooh, boy, you smell like
a barbecue joint

before it opens... bleach and hickory.

Okay, okay. Everybody relax, all right?

I volunteered for the dunk t*nk,

and no one has ever raised more money.

Then why do you look as happy
as a Cleveland Browns fan?

Because I liked helping at school today,

and I think the kids
liked having me there, too

I want ways of doing this more.

You know, but I work.

You know, it's unfair
that I can't do everything.

You are describing the classic
working mom's dilemma.

What? No, no. This isn't the same, Bow.

Because of Vincent.

You know, whenever I'm around him,

I'm made to feel less of a father

because I can't be there
for my children like he can.

- Mm.
- But he has to understand...

I work.

It's how we live, okay?

It's a part of who I am.

And then they start to treat you

like you love your job more than
you love your kids.

Oh, don't try to fix it, Bow.
Just listen.

Today, I felt really good

about being a part of their world.

I guess it's true what they say...

dads can't have it all.

That's what they say?

About dads?

Yeah.

Uh...

I think it's best I remove
myself from this situation.

What?

Look, son...

the fact that you're eaten up about

the little bit that you don't do

shows me that your heart's
in the right place.

Every time I see all the good
stuff you do for your kids,

it makes me feel a little bit
worse about how I raised you.

Really?

Nah, I don't look back like that,

but you're doing a great job.

You need to give yourself a break.

Yeah.

Thanks, Pops.

Can you get my bottle back now, please?

That's Coolio's new rum.

It's hella expensive.

Ah, there's my number-one girl.

Oh, you gotta stop saying that.

- Facts don't lie.
- Oh, God.

- How was your day?
- It was not a great day.

I got into a huge argument

with one of the other doctors
about climate change.

- He doesn't believe in it?
- No!

He said, "If global warming
is happening,

then why is there snow
at my place in Deer Valley?"

Science says it is happening.

How can he go against science?

It's interesting that you say
that, Junior, because...

...I pulled a couple of articles
from some medical journals

about the efficacy of the flu sh*t.

Yeah, but this is different...

Okay, listen to me, little boy.

You cannot pick and choose.

You cannot believe in climate change

and not the flu sh*t.

Science has given us indoor plumbing,

the moon landing, leave-in conditioner.

The simple fact is that science works.

And you getting the flu sh*t

is gonna help to keep everyone safe.

Fine. You got me.

I'll get the flu sh*t.

But I want to go to Shakey's after.

Oh, yeah. We can get pizza.

- I said Shakey's.
- Yeah. Pizza.

Well, well, well, well.

- Science Witch.
- Huh?

You may have tricked this sheep,
but you'll never get me.

Hmm.

Listen, Ruby, young children

are some of the most vulnerable
to the flu.

- Mm?
- So, you're not gonna be able

to take care of Devante
if you don't get the flu sh*t.

But he's my favorite grandbaby.

Huh.

I already knew,
but it still hurts to hear.

Just can't take a chance
with my baby's health.

All right, I'll get the flu sh*t.

And I got some terms, Missy.

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

I want you to administer the sh*t,

but I want a white male
doctor to order it.

What?

That way, I know I'll definitely
be getting the good stuff.

There's no s-s...

Yeah, you know what?

Yes.

I will get you the good stuff.

- All right.
- Yeah.

- And hey, hey.
- Yes?

I also want to go to Shakey's.

I think we've established
I'm unguardable as a dad,

but that doesn't mean I can't
find ways to improve my game.

Hey, Vincent. Got a second?

Oh, Dre.

Here to help keep the school
garden nice and tight?

If you see any slugs,

just put them in the bucket
so they can be re-homed.

I'm not gonna do that.

Besides, I can't stay, man.

I, uh...

I just came to apologize for, uh,

talking trash about you
being a stay-at-home dad.

What? Y-You didn't do that.

Well, not to your face.

But to my wife, my co-workers,

the staff at the Coffee Commissary.

Look, man, what you said
about prioritizing your kids,

it really got under my skin.

Well, choosing not to work

isn't all sweatpants
and watching "The View."

It's hard being a stay-at-home dad

in a world that only
understands a stay-at-home mom.

- Dad?
- Hmm?

Why are you here during a workday?

- Hey...
- Wait, hold on, wait.

Is Grandma okay?

D... Did she catfish
another congressman?

She's fine, okay?

I just came to talk to Vincent
for a second, you know?

But I got to get back to work.

Oh. Of course.

We understand.

You know, I could use your help

sifting through this compost.

Someone threw rice in there.

I always said my family comes first,

and in that moment,

it was nice to make that
all the way true.

Hey, guys?

Let's do some dirt.

- I got you.
- Yeah.

Dads may not be able to have it all,

but this one could
have a little bit more.

Big-ass avocados.

It is so odd for
Dre to be late for work.

Oh. Charlie, is... is today
some sort of Black holiday

we don't know about?

Yes.

I... I forgot.

Today is Black...

Tuesday.

It's Wednesday.

Hey, that's just...
that's just how we do.

- Okey doke.
- No, no. You stay.

It's for Black people only.

Okay.