11x19 - Lan Mao Shi Zai Wuding Shang

T.V. Transcripts for the show "Two and a Half Men". Aired: September 2003 to February 2015.*

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Series was about Charlie Harper, his brother, Alan and his son, Jake. They move into Charlie's beachfront Malibu house and complicate Charlie's freewheeling life after his divorce.
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11x19 - Lan Mao Shi Zai Wuding Shang

Post by bunniefuu »

ALAN: Previously on
Two and A Half Men.

Larry, where can I put this poop?

My sister. She just moved here.
Gretchen, this is Jeff Strongman!

I have a half-hour to go meet Larry.

I really like Gretchen.
I'm not gonna cheat on her.

- Gretchen is coming over tonight.
- I don't wanna see her.

If I had a place to sleep here,
my apartment would be free.

You had me at "free".

(CELL PHONE RINGS)

Oh, sorry, I have to take this.
It's my partner from China.

- No problem.
- Hello?

(SPEAKS FOREIGN LANGUAGE)

Wow.

No, I'm on hold.
I'm just making stuff up.

♫ (DREAM SEQUENCE MUSIC) ♫

♫ (FANTASY SITCOM THEME MUSIC) ♫

Honey, I'm home!

Hi, dear!

How was your day, darling?
Did you write some new commercials?

I sure did, Mother.

In six months, everyone in America
will smoke refreshing cigarettes.

Or as I like to call them,
"healthy flavor-sticks".

Kids, your father's home!

(ALL CHEERING)

Look at all my little Schmidts!

I pushed every one of those Schmidts
out of me!

Hey, kids,
if you eat all your dinner,

I'll give a healthy flavor-stick
to each one of yous.

(ALL CHEERING)

Hi, Dad.

I clogged the toilet again.

And I ain't cleaning it up!

ALL: Oh, Berta!

Walden. Walden.

Walden!

Sorry. I was daydreaming.

Oh, we were married
and we had seven kids.

And they all loved cigarettes.

That's the last margarita for you.

So, I have good news
and I have bad news.

Is the good news
that we're gonna have sex

and the bad news
that we can only do it five times?

The bad news is,
I have to go to San Francisco now.

Wow.

The good news is,
once I take care of this business,

I can stay here for a few more days.

Mmm. Then, I can take care
of your bidness.

Oh, hey, Kate.

I see you're still
as beautiful as ever.

Alan, I see you're still
as here as ever.

So we're both doing well.

Okay, I got to go pack my stuff,
so I can leave.

I'll take "Phrases Alan Harper
Will Never Say" for $500.

Leaving already?

I hope she doesn't use the bathroom.
I clogged the toilet again.

She's only gone for a couple days.
Then I'm gonna ask her to marry me.

Wait, married?
Isn't that a little fast?

(GROANS) Walden, you're always
jumping into these kind of things.

You can still live here.

Mazel tov!

♫ (THEME SONG) ♫

- Hey. What you guys doing?
- BOTH: Hey.

I am taking Jenny to the movies.

Okay, you're not taking me.

"Taking me" implies
we're going on a date.

I'm a lesbian.
If anything, I'm taking you.

Because you can't get
into an R-rated movie by yourself.

Hey, hold on. Before you go.

Which one of these engagement rings
do you think Kate would like?

What?

You're gonna ask her to marry you?
She's only been back for one day.

Yeah. She's the one.

Do you know how rare it is
to meet "the one"?

Let alone have it happen
every six months?

No, this is different. (STAMMERS)
I am really in love with Kate.

I love my life-size anime doll.
But it'd be weird if I married it.

Right?

Look, Walden,
you're in love with being in love.

You live like
you're in a romantic comedy.

You know who's gonna play you
in the movie about your life?

Julia Roberts.

Just do what my dad did.

Don't buy the cow,
if you can get a lactating stripper

to give you the milk for free!

Come on, Barry. Let's go.

You know who would play me and you
in the movie?

Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan.

I'll be either one.

Hey, Charlie.

It's me, Walden.

We never met,
but I'm the guy who took your place.

Thanks for giving up your house.

I guess you didn't give it up.
You d*ed.

You'd have to be on cr*ck
to give up all this.

Anyway, is Jenny right?

I mean, do I fall in love too fast?

Come on, Charlie. Talk to me.

At least show me a sign.

Yeah, that's what I thought.

- (KNOCKING ON WINDOW)
- (HIGH-PITCHED SCREAM)

(THUNDER RUMBLES)

- Here, try my famous guacamole.
- Oh, what makes it famous?

I don't know, it's really good
and everybody likes it.

I didn't think you'd call me on it.

Do you have any famous recipes?

Well, there's the Strongman
family meatloaf.

- You'll have to make that for me.
- The recipe d*ed with Grandmother.

We'd always say,
"Write it down, write it down!"

And she'd say, "Tomorrow."

One day, your tomorrows run out.

Oh, Nana Strongman.

Every day,
I learn something new about my Jeff.

(CHUCKLES) You and me, both.

- Wish we could be together everyday.
- What would that be like?

Well, let's put it this way.

The Strongman meat
would not be loafing.

- Move in with me.
- Seriously?

You make this place a home.

When you're not here, this place feels
like it belongs to somebody else.

- So what do you say?
- I say, yes!

- Oh, my God. That's great!
- I insist on paying half the rent.

I love you.

Cash only.

- Can I help you?
- Hey, sorry to bother you.

I've been hiking all day
and I saw you had a hose out here

and I was wondering
if I could fill up my water bottle.

I have a hose?

Yeah, bottom of the stairs.

Good for me.

I actually have filtered water
in the kitchen.

I kind of had my heart set
on dirty hose-water.

But if you insist.

♫ (CHOIR SINGS ANGELIC NOTES) ♫

Should I...

I'm sorry. What?

Should I wipe my feet?

I don't wanna track beach-sand
into your...

House-sand?

Oh, no, that's not sand.

That's the remains of the guy
who used to live here.

Maybe I'll use the hose outside.

No, it's not like that.
He gets spilled all the time.

At this point, he's mostly lint.
I'm Walden.

- Vivian.
- That's a beautiful name.

Thank you. My parents got it
from that 70's show.

What was it called? Maude.
Yeah.

Wow, this is quite a place.

- Your desk's backwards.
- Excuse me?

You have this beautiful view
of the ocean,

and yet your desk is facing the wall

with a picture of the ocean on it.

Yeah, actually, it's the Atlantic.

It's an inside joke.

For myself.

You know what?
I better fill up and get going.

It's really starting
to come down out there.

It's just a little water.
I'm not gonna melt.

It's not like
I'm the Wicked Witch of the West.

You could wait it out here.
We could have dinner together.

I'll order delivery.

Really?

Wow. Yeah, that would be great.

- Great.
- Okay. Oh, thank you.

Do you always invite strangers
into your home?

Oh, no.
Usually, they invite themselves.

I am so excited to move in with you!

On top of paying half the rent,
I'm also paying half the utilities.

Thank you.

There's also a security deposit,
a cleaning deposit.

The groceries you've already eaten.
But we'll figure that out later.

We're gonna have so much fun.

If this is gonna get more physical,
I got to go freshen up.

You mean, poop?

I love you so much.

Hey, if the pizza guy shows up,
I don't have any money.

Hey, that's my line.

- Wallet's on the counter.
- Thanks.

(SLO-MOTION) Wait!

(ALAN THUDS)

Who's Alan Harper?

A guy who no longer has to poop.

What's your deal, Walden?

Good-looking guy, rich,
Malibu beach-house.

I bet you only date hot actresses.

God, no. I'd never date an actress.

- They're all crazy.
- I'm sure they're not all crazy.

Trust me, they are.

I don't get this whole fascination
with celebrities anyway.

I mean, who cares who's dating who,
or who's engaged to who,

or who has a sex-tape
that no one will ever, ever see?

I know. But I have to say.

I am a sucker
for anything Brangelina or Kimye.

I have no idea what that means.
I thought we were eating Kimye.

Have you been hiding under a rock
for the last three years?

No, but I have climbed a few.
I was a Sherpa in Nepal.

Yeah,
and I drove cattle in Argentina.

I used to give safari tours
in Africa.

And once, I was an assistant manager
at a Hot Dog on a Stick, Pittsburgh.

I love hot dogs.

And I've never even thought
about doing stuff like that.

I did once sit in the splash section
at SeaWorld without a poncho.

Then you'd be perfect
for my next adventure.

Crewing on a sailboat to Polynesia.

Wow.

A sailboat to Polynesia.

♫ (ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYS) ♫

So what island
do you want to hit first?

As long as we're together,
it doesn't matter.

(ALAN GRUNTING)

That was a close one.
I barely caught you guys.

I'm still living with you, right?

VIVIAN: Walden.

- Walden.
- Huh?

- Which one do you want?
- Right now, I want both.

Oh, here.

Oh.

"A new love awaits you."

Wow.

Mine says,
"Try gluten-free wontons."

Okay, you've asked,
"Who is Alan Harper?"

And you deserve the truth.

My real name is Alan Harper.
I used to date Lyndsey.

But when she broke up with me,
I wanted to meet her new boyfriend.

But I didn't want him to know.
So I created Jeff Strongman.

But then we became real friends.
Then you came along and I liked you.

And everything was perfect
until you picked up my wallet.

Which re-enforces my one rule,
"Never offer to pay for anything"!

So nothing I know about you is real?

My feelings for you are real.

I was telling the truth when I said
I wanted you to live with me.

- What about your son?
- That wasn't a lie.

I have a son.
Just not the guy you met.

- MIT?
- L-l-E.

Anything else?

I take regular condoms
and I put them in the Magnum box.

Yeah, I kind of figured that.

All right. Good-bye, Jeff, Alan.
Whatever your name is.

Please, Gretchen. Don't go.
I really do care for you!


Gretchen, come back!

You have the pizza coupon.

Wow, look at you!

Now, you can look at the ocean
and watch p*rn at the same time.

I don't like looking at naked women.

That didn't come out right.
I use this computer for work.

In fact,
it's what paid for this view.

This view is free.

God, everything you say
is like a bumper sticker.

I'm gonna keep on trucking then.

Hey, don't forget to "coexist".

You know, it's with all the...
Where they're just symbols...

It's a bumper sticker, never mind.
Where you headed?

Carbon Canyon, tonight.

And then, the road is open
and so is my mind.

(GASPS) Ooh!
That could be a bumper sticker.

Why don't you give me your number?
We'll have to stay in touch.

I don't have a phone.

That is awesome.

- So, I guess this is goodbye.
- I guess so.

Thanks for letting me crash
and the hot shower.

By the way,
your staff is so attentive.

That Barry kid checked up on me,
like, five times during the night.

You know, I don't usually say this
to people in this house.

But if you want,
you could stay longer.

You're very sweet, Walden.
But I got to get going.

Enjoy your view.

- Hey, Vivian?
- Yeah?

- Are you gonna be okay?
- Yeah. I'll be fine.

- I mean, this is what I do.
- Okay.

- Walden?
- Yeah?

- Are you gonna be okay?
- I do.

Think I'm gonna be okay.

Okay, I think I got all my stuff.

Okay, that is my lamp.

Yeah, yeah,
but I put a new bulb in it.

I'll wait till this one blows out,
then I'll sh**t it right back.

Okay, or...

(DOORBELL RINGS)

I'll be back for you.

- Gretchen.
- I'm glad you're here.

I realized the only thing I know
is where you live.

Well...

Oh, my God.
Is everything about you a lie?

- Are you even cheap?
- I am cheap.

Two of the four windows in my car
are garbage bags.

Look, look, I know I was an idiot.

But what I said before,
I meant that.

But I understand
if you want nothing to do with me.

That's why I'm here.

Look, I made my share of mistakes
when my husband left me.

I know how hurtful it can be.
I know how crazy you can become.

I'm sure you Googled me
and saw my mug-sh*ts online.

No.

Don't freak out, I was innocent.
According to the state of Illinois.

The point is, we all have secrets.

So, are you saying
that we can get back together?

I would like to break up
with Jeff Strongman

and get to know Alan Harper.

Really? Oh, that's great.

But first,
I'd like one last moment with Jeff.

- Jeff?
- Yes?

Screw you!

Oh, God!

Oh, are you okay, Alan?

- Hey, you!
- Hey, you're back.

So, I've got good news
and I've got great news.

The good news is, I did work it out
so I could stay a few more days.

And the great news is,
I took my underwear off in the car.

Hey...

Listen, we need to talk.

Awfully serious for someone
who got hit with a thong.

Here's the thing.

- While you were gone, I met someone.
- What?

I mean, nothing happened physically.
It's just...

I can't stop thinking about her.

It's made me question everything.

Including my sanity
and interior decorating instincts.

Are you saying
that you wanna be with this girl?

I don't know what I want.
I know I have to pursue this.

- Wow.
- Listen, I'm sorry.

I never meant to hurt you.

I don't feel the same.

- (HARD THUD)
- (LOUD GROAN)

- Hi.
- Hiya!

(PAINFUL GROANING)

Oh, they had just dropped back down!

Walden, what are you doing here?

Remember how you asked me
if I was gonna be okay?

I don't think I am.

Is it because I just kicked you
in the balls?

There's that.

But before I met you,

I was very close
to asking another woman to marry me.

I didn't because I couldn't stop
thinking of you.

So, you came here to tell me
that you dumped your girlfriend,

sweep me off my feet

and the two of us would, what,
sail off into the sunset together?

Yes?

You don't even know me.

Okay, I know you enough
to know that I wanna know you more.

Oh, Walden, stop it.

I'm just a stranger who wanted
to drink from your hose.

Okay,
that didn't really come out right.

I know I don't know you very well.

I feel like you're the type of guy
who falls in love easily.

You know me perfectly!
That's exactly who I am!

We're soulmates!

Soulmates aren't made in a day.

That's another great bumper sticker.

Walden, you're a great guy,
but we lead two different lives.

Did I mention that I have a plane

and I can take you anywhere
you wanna go?

Do you see?
You wanna fly over everything.

For you,
it's all about the destination.

For me,
the journey is the destination.

Okay, are you writing these down?

Go home, Walden.

But I walked four miles to get here,
in the dark, in the woods!

I don't even know
if I can find my way home!

Maybe I should just stay with you.

(CAR ALARM CHIRPS)

Dude, there's your car.

- Here you go, sweetie.
- Thank you.

I'm so sorry I freaked out on you.

It's not your fault.
I should've known better.

I'm sorry, too.
I should've never let you go.

Well, you're both here now.
I'm ready to enjoy the view.

- You want us to kiss, Walden?
- Yeah, kiss each other.

Do it. Kiss each other.

Well, it is his house.

♫ (THEME SONG) ♫
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