11x22 - Oh WALD-E, Good Times Ahead

[bunniefuu]

Previously on...

Tonight would be
a great time

to tell Larry that you're
not Jeff Strongman,

that you're really
Alan Harper.

If you tell Larry
who you really are,

then he's gonna wonder
why I didn't tell him.

Will you do me the honor
of becoming Mrs. Alan Harper?

Who the hell
is Alan Harper?

Larry! Look! Boobs!

♪ Men. ♪

We can go in the other room and
you can play with them. Huh?

Really?
In the middle of the day?

Mm-hmm.

Wait a minute.
Who's Alan Harper?

Uh, I am gonna answer that,
but before I do...

What do you say, Gretchie?

Will you marry me?

Yes.

Oh, my God!

You've made me the-the
happiest man in the world.

Don't cry. Don't cry.
Don't cry.

A-And for your
question, Larry,

I just want to say that
everything you've known about me

is a lie.

My real name is Alan.

That's okay.
My real name is Lawrence.

All right, this is gonna be
a lot harder than I thought.

Um, uh, Lyndsey

is my ex-girlfriend.
When you and she

got together,
I made up a fake name

so that I could meet you
and stay close to Lyndsey.

But then it turns out
I actually like you

more than I like Lyndsey.

I like you
more than Lyndsey, too!

What the hell
is happening here?!

So your name's
not really Jeff Strongman,

it's Alan Harper,
and you used to date Lyndsey?

For four years.

Did you know about this?

Yes. He was my boyfriend.

But-but I'm with you now,
and only you.

A-And I'm really, really sorry.

Oh, save it, Jeff--
if that's even your real name.

I think I made it pretty clear
it's not, but o-okay.

I told Alan that I thought
he should tell you the truth,

because I thought
you deserved to know.

How could you keep this from me?

I would never lie to you.
This is unbelievable!

I never wanted
any of this to happen.

Well, it did-- and now
I've lost my two best friends.

And this time I'm not
talking about your boobs.

I don't want to see
either one of you again.

And I'm still not talking
about your boobs!

The wedding's off!

Larry, wait!

Oh, God, see?

This is exactly why
I didn't want to tell him.

Now both Lyndsey
and Larry hate me,

and I've ruined the lives
of two wonderful people.

I'll never forget
the look on-- ooh, boobs.

♪ Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men ♪

♪ Ah.
♪ Men.

♪ Men. ♪

Say hello to my little friend.

What is that?

This is the most advanced

robotic artificial
intelligence today.

I call him WALD-E.

Get it?

'Cause I'm Walden,

and the movie WALL-E?

WALD-E?

Say hello to my friend Jenny.

Hello to my friend Jenny.

I programmed him to be funny.

I beg to differ.

You're just jealous
'cause you don't have

an electronic friend
to play with.

Trust me, I have a whole drawer

of electronic friends
I can play with.

Then maybe we can have
a zero-one-one-way.

That's a three-way in binary.

Oh, WALD-E, good times ahead.

Hey.

Oh. Hey, check out
my new robot.

I detect no sign
of intelligent life.

I'm not in the mood for this.
Can you turn him off?

Can you turn him off?

I wish I could, WALD-E,
I wish I could.

What's going on?
Larry just texted me.

He wants to see me.
What do you think he wants?

Well,

given the fact
you blew up his entire life,

I'm guessing he
either wants to kick your ass,

or rip your face off so you
can watch him kick your ass.

Oh, this is all my fault.

I should have just been honest

and told the truth
right from the start--

lying is
never the answer.

Ooh, I know,
I'll tell him I'm sick.

What's a trendy illness?

Alan, you have to man up

and face the consequences
of your actions.

Maybe you're right.

I at least owe him that much.

I'll just go and... Hah-choo!

Oh! Oh. Oh.

Alan?
Mm-hmm?

When people sneeze,
they don't say, "Hah-choo,

oh, ew, ooh."

Okay, fine.

But when he beats me
within an inch of my life,

you're on bedpan duty.

Okay, if it makes you
feel better, I'll come with you.

He only wants to
go so when Larry beats you up,

he can say, "I told you so."

That is not true.

Even though
I repeatedly

told him to stop lying
about who he was,

and deceiving the people
around him,

and eventually it
would blow up in his face,

I'm not going to say,
"I told you so."

Well, I appreciate that.

I want to film Larry
kicking his ass

and then say,
"I told you so""

♪ Men. ♪

Hey, Alan.

Oh, hey,
hey, Larry!

I don't have a w*apon.

Hi. I'm Walden,

Alan's friend.

Uh, just act like I'm not here,

and punch like
no one's watchin'.

And...

action.

So, you, uh, you said

you wanted to talk?

No, no, no, louder.

I'm sorry. What?

Louder. There's a lot
of ambient noise in here.

So, so, you
said you wanted to talk?

Yeah, I actually came here
to tell you that I forgive you!

No! Cut! Cut!

What's... Wait, wait,
you forgive him?

Yeah, I realized
all this anger isn't good.

I had to let it all go.

No!

He's not gonna
learn his lesson

if you forgive him.
The only way he's gonna learn

a lesson is
through pain and suffering

and possibly losing a tooth.

No, no. He's gonna be
my brother-in-law

and make an honest woman
out of Gretchen.

She's not gonna be an
honest woman on our wedding night.

That's the guy I know and love
who's banging my sister.

I do love banging
your sister.

No, the only banging I want
to see is you banging his face!

Oh,

that didn't come out right.

Gretchen is the most amazing
woman I've ever met.

I-I just have to scrape together
enough money for the wedding.

Oh, I know what you mean--
mine and Lyndsey's

was costing me a fortune.

I already paid for the flowers,
the cake, the tux.

Too bad you can't
just take his wedding.

Or can I?

I was kidding.

Well, why not? I mean,
this cup says "Peter" on it,

but Peter
wasn't there to get it.

I'm not gonna use it.
Me and Lyndsey are through,

so you might as well.

You can't mooch a wedding

that you just destroyed.

I know. How great is that?

Classic Alan Harper.

Jeff Strongman.
Mm.

I don't know how
I didn't see through it sooner.

It's such
an obviously made-up name.

Yeah.
Jeff.

♪ Men. ♪

Mom, this is my fiancée,
Gretchen Martin.

It is so nice to finally
meet you, Evelyn.

Oh, you, too, dear.

How far along are you?

What?
Uh, my mother assumes that

since you agreed to marry me,
you must be pregnant.

No, I'm not pregnant.

Are you after my money?
Of course not.

¿Estas buscando trabajo
en el mundo nuevo?

What?

Not looking
for a green card, either.

You must genuinely like Alan.
Yeah.

This is uncharted
territory for me.

I know. She actually
loves me for me.

I mean, I had to pretend
to be another person

to make it all
happen, but still.

Oh, that is some ring
you bought her.

Oh, actually, that's the ring
my ex-husband got me.

But I still had it-- I figured
why make Alan buy another one?

My God, you've
found your soul mate.

I know. Our honeymoon is
at her cousin's time-share.

He can't use it, 'cause
he had a heart att*ck.

We're so blessed.

Speaking of blessings,

I just want to thank you
for raising such a caring,

thoughtful,
intelligent son.

Oh, you're serious.

So, when's the big day?

Oh, uh, it's
next Saturday.

We're just gonna have a small
affair here at the house.

We're trying to
keep costs down.

Are your parents coming?

Oh, no, my parents
have passed away.

Again, we're
so blessed.

So, where are you planning
on living after you marry?

Oh, we're not in a rush
to go anywhere.

I mean, beach house, no rent...

Don't be ridiculous--
you need your own place.

Well, that's easier
said than done, Mom.

How about for your wedding
if I give you a down payment

towards your own...
Oh, I love you, Mom!

I won't go that far,
but thank you.

♪ Men. ♪

Walden.

Oh, don't worry,
Alan's not with me.

Wow, it's amazing

how infrequently
I actually get to say that.

What's up?

I just wanted
to make sure you're okay.

That's sweet, but I'm fine.

When I get dumped, I usually
end up sobbing in a bathtub,

listening to Michael Bublé.

I call it my "Bublé bath."

You sure you're all right?
Yeah.

I was about to marry Larry,

a guy who once called
venetian blind cleaners

because he wanted to help
handicapped Italians.

Look, if Alan

and Gretchen are supposed
to be together,

I wish them the best.

If you need anything,
don't hesitate to call me.

Thanks.
Okay.

Siri, remind me to draw
a Bublé bath tonight.

Mm, what's that, Larry?

You forgive me
and you still want to marry me?

Oh, Alan...

you never stopped loving me
and you want to marry me, too?

I am the luckiest woman
in the world.

♪ Men. ♪

♪ Men. ♪

Everybody, freeze.

What the hell?

Berta, I know
where you hide your pot.

WALD-E!

No...!

Now, that's how you deal
with a DEA drone.

No!

It's my robot!

I was playing a joke.

Oh.

It was funny.

Oh... oh...

Don't worry, little ro-buddy.

We'll get you on life support.

Or tech support.
Oh, he would've loved that joke.

I lost the head
of one of my toys once.

Of course, I had to go to the
emergency room to get it out.

Um, listen, I know this
may not be an opportune moment,

but, um, I was wondering,
would you do me the honor of...

being my best man?

Of course. I would have
been hurt if you didn't ask.

Oh, thanks, thanks. Great, man.

Uh, oh, and better get
your speech ready

for the rehearsal dinner.

I'm taking everybody
to Souplantation.

Fingers crossed we all end up
at the same table.

Come on, come on,
come on. We...

we got to go someplace fancier.

Well, I would love to,
but I can't affo...

I'll pay for it.

Great. We've got reservations

at 7:30 at La Dolce.

♪ Men. ♪

I would like to make a toast
to the bride and groom.

Um, I don't
look at this

as losing a friend

so much as gaining a guest room.

I don't see this as
losing a friend either.

Anyway, uh, to the happy couple.

Uh, Alan,

you're like a brother to me.

And, Gretchen,
you...

have a smile that lights up
those around you

and a heart big enough
to let them all in.

So...

cheers.

That was so sweet.

Is he gay?

If he was, you think
I'd be with you right now?

♪ Men. ♪

Um, occupied.

Ocupado.

S-Sprechen Sie poopin.

Alan.

Lyndsey?!

I need to talk to you.

You scared the crap out of me.
Literally.

This'll just take a sec.

Wh-What are you doing?

My whole family's here
in the restaurant.

I'm here to say yes.

To what?

Your proposal.

I want to be your wife.

I am yours forever
and ever and ever.

I am crazy for you.

Oh, I don't doubt that.

You know you still want me.

Fate has brought us here
together.

Uh, actually,
my lactose intolerance

has brought us here together.

Whatever. It was meant to be.

Um, Lyndsey, Lyndsey,

a-as romantic as this moment is,

um, uh, I-I'm in love
with Gretchen.

What happened to me?

I was the prize.

Men were fighting over me.

Am I not hot anymore?

Oh, I'm gonna need that.

Here.

They're sanitized
for your protection.

Look, I-I still care
about you and...

Oh, stop it.

I don't want your pity.

I'm gonna get out of here
while I still have my dignity.

Oh, great.

Now everyone at the table's
gonna know I was pooping.

♪ Men. ♪

Hey, Alan,

I have a little surprise
for your big day.

Oh! Cash or check?

I brought Jake to the wedding.

My son. Yes. Yes.

Yes, that's-that's way better
than cash.

Um, uh, where is he?

Hi, Dad.

Pull my finger.

Classic Robot Jake.

Alan, can I see you a second?

Oh, did you see Jake came
to the wedding?

Sure, of course. Hello, Jake.

Hey, Larry.

Hey.

You're looking...
pretty pensive.

Oh, thanks, it's a rental.

You look pretty
pensive, too.

Actually...

Thank you.

Uh, hey, I just wanted
to say that it's, um....

it's pretty big of you
to forgive Alan the way you did.

I mean,

after hearing that he was
still sleeping with Lyndsey

when you two
were dating...

...is apparently something
you're hearing

for the first time
right now.

Are you freakin' kidding me?
They were cheating?!

I'll k*ll him!

Larry, Larry,

I'm sorry.
For what?

This.

Okay, let's get this show
on the road!

Whoa, whoa, whoa.
What-What's the rush?

Oh, uh,
I accidentally told Larry

that you and Lyndsey
were cheating on him,

so he wanted to k*ll you
so I pushed him off the deck.

Let's go! Showtime!
Chop, chop! Come on!

Oh,

wow, so pensive.

Where's my brother?

Oh.

Uh,

he was overcome with emotion.

So he hit the beach.

Uh, but don't worry.
I'm filming it.

Oh, by the way,
if you trip on your dress

and accidentally flash us,
just go with it.

A-All right, honey,
you look beautiful,

but let's move it along, please.

Uh, Jenny, hit it.

"Daughters, mothers, sisters,
we gather here,

safe from the patriarchy and the
oppression of its penises..."

Oh, I really should've
revised this

before doing a straight wedding.

Um, wh-why don't we, uh, skip
to the vows that you guys wrote?

All right. Um...

I, Gretchen, do swear
to honor and cherish you.

You asked me to go down
the road of life with you,

and I am answering.

I will go down.

That's what she said.

And I, Alan, do swear to honor,

cherish and stand behind you

whether things are easy

or things are hard.

That's what he said.

Alan, do you take Gretchen
to be your...

I object!

Lyndsey?

Lyndsey, Lyndsey,
you can't be here.

Aren't I a pretty, pretty bride,
Alan?

Yes.

You look insanely
beautiful.

Uh, now let's
turn you around

and get you in a
cab. How 'bout...

No!

This was supposed to be my day!

My wedding!

My groom!

My f... Wait.

Those are my flowers.

That's my food!

Those are my linens.

That's my...

I think
she was gonna say "cake"!

I always liked her.

So, uh...
so where were we?

Gretchen?

Derek?

Who's this guy?

He's my ex-husband.

Oh, come on!

What are you doing here?

Some crazy lady called and said
you were getting married.

Well,
actually,

what she said was,

"Gretchen, pretty, pretty brid""

followed by two minutes
of intense vomiting.

Pretty sure
that was her.

Boo-ya!

Gretchen, I know I made
some horrible mistakes.

I drank too much,
I wrecked your truck,

I cheated on you
with your best friend.

In your truck.
While I was drunk.

Which is why
I wrecked it.

Lose your dog
and you got a country song.

I wouldn't know.
I'm more into hip-hop.

I miss you, baby.
I want you back.

Hey, Derek,

if you want her back,

you're gonna have
to go through me.

Fine by me.

And him.

Look, seeing you in that
white dress right before

I b*at up two goobers
reminds me of our wedding.

But this time the cake's not
in the shape of Dale Jr.,

which is a
huge oversight.

Derek...

You're not actually
considering this, are you?

I don't know. I'm so confused.

I mean, Derek and I have
so much history together.

This is really hard.

That's what she said.

That's what they say.

I'm sorry, Alan. I-I at least
have to talk to him.

Gretchen, wait!

It's times like this
a son needs his mother.

I'm gonna slip out
the back.

Serves you right,
you bastard.

I mean, I love you.

Let's work this out.

Best wedding ever!

Yep! And I got
the whole thing on...

Aw, crap, I had it on photo.

♪ Men. ♪

How you doing?

I've had better days.

Hey, I'm sorry, buddy.

Later, I'll run
you a Bublé bath.

Thanks.

Gretchen called.

She said it's not over.

She's just sorting things out.

Oh, buddy.

"Sorting things out"
is just people's way

of not giving you bad news.

So I take it your...

mom's not gonna give you the
money for your own place?

I'm just sorting
things out.

You know what?

I didn't really want
you to leave anyway.

Aw. Thanks.

Can you believe it?

We're still together,
three years later.

I know.

I thought for sure
it was over when Charlie d*ed.

Thank God I showed up.

You're telling me.
Hmm.

I... You know,
I've been so busy lately.

I-I really miss
hanging out with you.

Yeah. Me, too. You know,
we should pick a night

where we just
always get together.

No matter what's going on,
once a week, we just do this.

Okay, I like it.
I like it.

How 'bout, uh, here
every Thursday night?

9:00.

It's a date.

Uh, don't call it a date.

Just call it...
two men hanging out.

Hey.

What about me?

Okay, fine.
Two and a half men.