12x06 - Alan sh*t a Little Girl

[bunniefuu]

♪ Men. ♪

Hey, Louis, check it out.

This app will help you learn
how to speak Mandarin Chinese.

Are you sending me to China?

No, I'd never do that.

He sent his kid to Japan.

Oh, no, no.

The-the Army sent him to Japan.

You're sending me to the Army?

No, no, n-no.

We're not sending you anywhere.

We-we just want
to help you learn.

So, check it out.

You can type in any phrase,

and the app will say it for you.

Ooh, what'd she say?

She sounds pretty.

She said,
"Alan, your fly is open."

Oh. Oh!

Uh, well, how do you
tell her, "Thank you"?

Uh, let's find out.

Xiexie.

That's gonna blow their minds
down at the Panda Express.

Extra orange chicken, xiexie.

Walden, I-I'm Chinese Elvis.

Xiexie. Xiexie, very much.

All right.

Let's put on these headphones,

and we'll learn
a little Chinese, huh?

So, um, listen,
g-going forward,

um, how are we gonna do
this whole co-parenting thing?

What do you mean?

Well, when you were gonna
adopt a baby,

we were gonna get
a divorce right after.

But now, if we become
Louis's foster parents,

we're gonna have to be together
for a minimum of six months.

Uh, not that I'm complaining.

This is the happiest
and most loving of any

of my three marriages.

I'm thinking it would
just be the opposite

of when Jake was here.

You were the dad, and
I occasionally imparted wisdom,

like... the skull
and crossbones on a bottle

underneath the sink doesn't mean
that it's pirate juice.

Okay, well, uh, uh,

then I will follow
your lead with Louis.

I will be the second
in command, the-the copilot,

the, uh, the, uh,
the lieutenant, if you will.

I won't.

This is hard.

Oh, all right,
let me help you out here.

Type in a phrase.

Anything you want to say.

Okay.

"I... want to quit."

Okay, uh...

Uh, excuse me.

If you're trying to say,
"I want to quit,"

it's pronounced...

What you asked for is
a lap dance.

Oh, my God, I'm sorry.

It's okay, I wasn't offended.

Oh, well, in that case...

I'm Jean.

I'm Walden.

Oh, and, uh, this is
Louis and Alan.

Hi.
Nice to meet you.

So, you're teaching Louis
Mandarin?

Well, I bought him, uh,
an app for 99 cents,

so, yeah, I'm teaching him.

Well, I speak fluent Mandarin,
so if you need any help

with anything...

give me a call.

Ah, well, I could always use
a helping hand.

Oh. Oh!

Nice meeting you.

What happened?

What did you say?

He said,
"They're married."

And if he hadn't,
I was about to.

♪ Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men ♪

♪ Ah. ♪
♪ Men. ♪

♪ Men. ♪

How's it going
out there?

I don't know. I'm trying
to read their lips.

He either said, "I
really like it here,"

or "I'd really
like a beer."

I-I'm sure
he's saying good things.

You know, how-how you're
teaching him Chinese,

how I'm teaching him
environmental awareness.

You taught him to pee in
the shower to save water.

And you know what
our Mother Earth says to that?

Xiexie.

I got to tell you, I've already
grown attached to this kid.

And if she does try
to take him away,

I know a guy
who can get him back.

You're kidding, right?

Right, kidding.

But if I find an envelope in my
car with, say, two grand in it,

I have no way of knowing
where it came from.

Can I talk to you guys
for a second?

Uh, yeah, sure.

Uh, Berta, could
you watch Louis?

Absolutely.

We'll be in the car
with the engine running.

No reason.

So, I talked to Louis
about his weekend here.

Uh, did he answer you
in English or Mandarin?

English.

Though I'm very impressed
you're teaching him Chinese.

And to pee in the shower.

That's mine.

I'm also teaching him to dance
like no one is watching.

Well, he seems to have
settled in nicely.

He feels very happy
and safe with you guys,

so I see no reason
why I shouldn't approve you

to be Louis's foster parents.

Really?
Are you serious?

I rarely lie about these things.

I did it once,
and it did not go well.

This-this is great!

I-I know. I-I've never been
approved for anything, ever.

Bite me, Discover Card.

Congratulations!
Thank you!

This is my favorite part
of the job.

Well, that and doughnut Friday.

Oh, God, my life is empty.

Oh, wait, d-does
Louis know?

No, he thinks I'm happy.

Oh, you mean about him here.

Uh, no, you should tell him.

But before you do,
just remember,

kids who've been in the foster
system as long as he has can be

a little withdrawn
or manipulative,

so don't be surprised
if he acts out.

It's okay. I was a
rebel when I was a kid.

One night, I took my
mom's car for a joyride.

The cops would
have never caught me

if the library
hadn't been closed.

Well, call me if
you need anything.

I got to run. I got to
hit the craft store.

I am making each one of my cats
a Christmas stocking.

I should have stopped at
"I got to run."

Anyway, congratulations.

Oh, hey, uh, Louis,
could you come in here?

Oh, my God, we should
tell him he can't stay.

How funny would that be?

I'll follow your lead.

Hey, Louis, um,

so Ms. McMartin said

that you like it here
and you want to stay.

I do.

Well, we told her

that we want you to stay,

and she said... okay!

Really? Cool!

Yeah. We should celebrate.

Can we get pizza, Zippy?

That turned out funnier
than I thought it would.

♪ Men. ♪

You know, when my
son was your age,

we used to play video
games just like this.

Really?
Yes, and I used to let him win,

just like I'm
letting you win...

Hey!

How'd you blow
up my car?!

All right, Louis,
time to get ready for bed.

Five more minutes?

No. You know the deal.

One hour of video games a
night. Now it's bedtime.

Aw, no fair.

Well, life isn't fair.

Look at my face, look at his.

All right, I'm gonna go
run you a bath.

Put your dishes in the sink
and put away the controllers.

And, Louis, you help him.

Oh, I know you're upset,
but rules are important.

It's just, we never got to play
video games in the group home.

Oh, of course.

The group home.

Okay, what if we just
snuck in a few more minutes?

Really?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, but, uh...

but you can't
tell Walden,

and we have to play
it really quietly.

You're the coolest.

I'm the cool dad.

I'm the cool dad.

♪ Men. ♪

Oh, hey
there, kiddo.

How'd you sleep?

With my eyes closed.

Ah, kicking it old school.

I respect that.

Can I have breakfast?

Sure. How about some oatmeal?

Cookies!

Well, do you like oatmeal cookies?
Yes.

Well, this is a
sugarless oatmeal cookie

in wet, pasty form.

Why can't I have cookies?

Well, because
cookies aren't breakfast food.

And remember what Walden said
about eating healthy.

Yeah, I know.

My last foster family
wouldn't give me cookies either.

Oh.

I suppose one wouldn't hurt.

Thanks.

Hey, Louis, are you up yet?

Oh. Uh, in here!

Eat it. Wipe your mouth.

Chocolate lips sink ships.

Morning.

Morning. Just making Louis
some oatmeal.

That's good, 'cause we got
a big day for you, big guy.

I got a bunch
of errands to run,

but Alan is gonna take you
to the store

and buy you a new backpack.

I saw one that looks
just like Yoda.

To school you will wear it.

Okay.
Hmm.

What are you eating?

Show it to me.

Is that a cookie?

Where did you get a cookie?

Louis, where did you get
a cookie?

Hey, uh, Louis,
why don't you go get dressed

and-and I'll make you
some oatmeal,

and then you can get going.

Okay.

Oh, and-and
don't forget

to brush your teeth.

And-and wash your hands.

Oh, and put on clean underwear.

Clean underwear?

We're going to Target,
not the White House.

Why would you give him a cookie
for breakfast?

I couldn't help it.
He gave me orphan face.

Please, sir,
can I have a cookie?

Me tum-tum is all empty
and growly.

When it comes to Louis,
we have to be a team.

If I make a rule,
you got to have my back.

You're right, you're right,
and-and from now on,

I will ignore him
like I ignore all those calls

from the collection agency.

Great. Okay, now, please,

today, just take him
to the store,

get him a backpack,
and then bring him home.

I want to do
something fun later.

A hint: has to do
with miniature golf

and it rhymes with "what-what."

That sounds great.

I'll, uh, take him out
right after breakfast.

And while you're out,
get some more of these cookies.

They make me
tum-tum all smiley, governor.

See, I can do accents.

♪ Men. ♪

Okay. Okay, here's the
fun part. Wait. Wait.

♪ Domo arigato, Mr. Roboto ♪

♪ Domo ♪
♪ Domo ♪

♪ Domo ♪
♪ Domo ♪

♪ Domo arigato,
Mr. Roboto ♪

♪ Domo ♪
♪ Domo ♪

♪ Domo. ♪
♪ Domo. ♪

I like that song.
It's about robots.

Yup. If you have to have one
cassette stuck in your dash,

make it Styx.

Look, laser tag! Can we go?

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
No, no.

We're just gonna go buy
a backpack and go straight home.

Please?

Oh, no, do not
give me that face.

It is not gonna work.

I thought you were cool.

Well... I suppose one game
of laser tag couldn't hurt.

Awesome!

But it has to be a...

♪ Secret, secret ♪

♪ I got a secret... ♪

♪ Men. ♪

Go tell your mommies
you got sh*t by CoolDad47.

Hey, hey, who hit me?

I got you.
Oh. I'm gonna get you.

I'm gonna get you.

Yeah, yeah, you better run.

Better run faster.

Ow, my head!

Louis?

Louis, are you okay?

Hey, whoa, whoa!

Wait, wait, don't sh**t!
Uh, my kid is hurt.

Ha, ha. Sucker.

♪ Men. ♪

♪ Men. ♪

Hey. I got here
as quick as I could.

Are you okay, buddy?
What happened?

He's fine. It's typical
kid stuff, you know?

He was running
a little too fast,

and he tripped
and bumped his head.

And then Alan
sh*t a little girl.

What?
We played laser tag.

♪ Secret, secret ♪

♪ It was a secret. ♪

Alan, can I talk to you
in the hallway?

Ooh, you're in trouble.

I really hope you have
a good explanation

for taking him to laser tag.

Uh, okay, j-just
out of curiosity,

um, uh, what, in your opinion,

would qualify
as a good explanation?

I don't know.
Y-Your car broke down

outside of the place.

And then the tornado was coming,
so you took shelter inside.

And then once you got in there,
you contracted a rare disease

that could only be cured
by playing laser tag.

Wow, it's like you were there.

What the hell, man?

You said you had my back.

Why do you keep doing this?

He thinks I'm cool.

I mean, when Jake was a kid,

he thought Charlie
was the cool one.

When you moved in, Jake
thought you were the cool one.

Now it's my turn.

Louis thinks I'm Al-Al Cool Dad.

No, he doesn't.

He's using this

to manipulate you just like
Ms. McMartin said he would.

Oh, so the-the only possible
reason that someone

would like me is because
they're trying to manipulate me?

Yes, that's right!

You're not Al-Al Cool Dad,
you're just Weird Al.

Okay, first of all,

that's a compliment
to a lover of puns.

Secondly,
you're overreacting.

Overreacting?

I asked you
to get Louis a backpack.

Instead you got him stitches!

Uh, actually,
it's a liquid band.

Shut up!

Louis is fine.

Kids get hurt all the time,
especially boys.

Jake was constantly banging his head.
Okay,

I really don't think you should
be using Jake as an example.

Oh, so what are you saying? That
I did a bad job raising my son?

Jake is great, but he did just
send you a photo from Tokyo

and said... and I quote... "Look
at what a great job they did"

rebuilding the city
after Godzilla."

Okay, I may not be
the best parent in the world,

but at least I found a woman
willing to have a kid with me.

Okay, you know what,
we should drop this.

Like you did Jake,
on his head, repeatedly.

Yeah. I don't have to take this.

So I am just gonna walk away.

Like every woman
you've ever dated.

Oh, no, you're
gonna walk away?

Well, when am I
gonna see you again?

Oh, I know. In 20 minutes,

at my house,
where you live rent-free.

Proctology is on
the eighth floor, Walden!

In case you'd like
to get that stick removed.

Al-Al Cool Dad, out.

♪ Men. ♪

Morning.

Morning.

I want you to know
I spent a lot of time thinking

about everything last night.

And?

And I think
an apology is sufficient.

I don't need a gift.

Although I certainly
wouldn't refuse

a new panini press.

That's a great idea.

You know, if I bought you
a panini press,

would you smash your balls
between the hot metal grates?

Oh, okay.

I see I'm the only one
capable of being a mature adult,

so to you I say...

You spit on me.

Oh, did I?

Okay.

Let's go.

Can I play, too?

Hey, buddy, uh, you're already
finished with your chores?

Yup, I made my bed.

What a responsible
young man.

I asked you to do
something and you did it.

And he's six.

Hey, uh, buddy, now that you're
finished with your chores,

what do you say
we go bowling, huh?

Doesn't that sound fun?

We get to wear
other people's shoes.

Can Alan come?

Oh...

Alan already wears
other people's shoes.

I actually have to go
to the grocery store, anyway.

Do you know what else
would be fun?

Hey, anything you want to do.

Let's go to the grocery
store with Alan.

♪ Men. ♪

Can I get Pop Tarts?

Ah, Pop Tarts.

This is a wonderful
choice.

Might I suggest
the classic strawberry?

Is best by 2016.

This is an excellent year.

Anything for the lady?

Perhaps a glass
of kiss my shir-ass.

Oh, oh.

What do you got there, buddy?

I want Froot Loops.

You know, we only get
one special treat.

So if you want those, we
got to put the Pop Tarts back.

But I want both.

Well, here's the thing:
we can't have both.

So... that's the rule.

Ooh, this should be good.

Okay, Louis...

you heard what I said.

You can't have these.

Oh, Snap...

Crackle and Pop.

What are you doing?

I want Froot Loops.

Okay, I'm gonna count to three,

and if you don't get up,
you're gonna be in big trouble.

Ooh, counting. This is some
groundbreaking stuff.

One...

...two...

...three.

One...

One and a half...

Well, you clearly
have this under control.

I'm gonna go check out the
cuties in the produce section.

And I may or may not
be talking about the tangerines.

You hear that, Louis?
He's leaving.

And I, now, I guess,

now I'm leaving, so...

unless you want to live
here in the cereal aisle,

I suggest you get up.

All right, okay.
Here we go, then.

Have fun.

I hope Captain Crunch
can put you through college.

Next stop
is the checkout aisle.

That's it.

I am not kidding,
I mean it. I am leaving.

Attention shoppers,

we are having
a two-for-one sale

on meaningless threats
in aisle five.

Can you help me out here?
Help? Oh, oh.

You want me to help?

Well, I suppose I could
drop him on his head repeatedly.

Okay, you know what,
I deserve that.

Yesterday I said some
things that I regret.

Mm. Like what?

God, do we have
to do this now?

Why not? I'm not going anywhere.

Clearly, he's not
going anywhere.

Okay, fine, I said that-that
you're not a very good father.

And that is
simply not true.

Thank you.

That must have been
hard for you to say.

And Jake is a very bright
and capable young man.

And that must have been
damn near impossible to say.

But... very sweet.

Um, I shouldn't have gone
behind your back with Louis.

But it just, it felt so good
that he wanted to be with me.

And I've never been
anybody's first pick before.

You were my first pick
to help me raise a kid.

Clean up on aisle five.

The floor's about to be
covered in tears.

Okay. Can-Can you
give me a hand here?

Okay, I've seen this
a million times before.

There is one surefire parental
technique that always works.

He wanted Froot Loops.

We're good parents.
We really are.

♪ Men. ♪

♪ Men. ♪
Louis is all tucked in.

Oh, yeah?

No extra
bedtime story?

No secret dessert?

No dancing like
no one's watching?

No jazz hands were raised,
no heels were kicked.

I appreciate that.
I got your back.

And to say thank you,

I got you a
special surprise.

Froot Loops!

Shh.
♪ Secret, secret ♪

♪ We got a secret. ♪