12x15 & 12x16 - Of Course He's Dead Part 1 & 2

[bunniefuu]

♪ Men. ♪

Charlie lived life
to its fullest

and-and gave it
everything he had.

Gave me herpes.

Vaginal warts.

He used my panties
to make tea.

My point is, um, that Charlie
lived life on his own terms.

Blah, blah, blah.
Why can't we see the body?

Charlie Harper
was the love of my life

and a wonderful, wonderful man.

He slipped on the Metro platform

and fell in front
of an oncoming train.

His body just exploded
like a balloon full of meat.

I know what you said
you wanted, but...

I really don't think
Pamela Anderson will agree

to swallow your ashes.

(screams)

I ain't cleaning him up.

♪ Men. ♪

♪ Imagine me and you, I do

♪ I think about you
day and night ♪

♪ It's only right

♪ To think about
the boy you love ♪

♪ And hold him tight

♪ So happy together

♪ So how is the weather?

♪ Ba, Ba, Ba, Ba

♪ Ba, Ba-Ba-Ba, Ba-Ba, Ba

♪ Ba-Ba, Ba, Ba.

Lunchtime.

Here you go.

Tuna on toast...

with vodka.

Oh, don't give me that look.

It needs to eat.

Oh, is it sulking?

Well, if it doesn't eat,

it gets the hose.

That's better.

And pick up the napkin.

Just because it lives in a pit,

it doesn't have to live
like an animal.

Thank you.

And after it eats,

it changes its clothes.

♪ Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men ♪

♪ Ah.
♪ Men.

♪ Men. ♪
Got any good mail?

Uh, let's see.
Uh, electric bill,

cable bill, water bill.
Here you go.

Do you ever
experience shame?

Uh, shame is
a rich man's emotion.

I can barely afford
embarrassment.

Oh, wow.

Something for Charlie.

I-I told you to cancel
his subscription

to the Sex Toy
of the Month Club.

Oh, can't.
He paid for life.

And, uh, January
was butt plug month.

Oh. Oh, it's, uh...
it's from his music publisher.

(whimpers)

You okay?

I'm-I'm... I'm not sure.

Look.

"Dear Mr. Harper:

"We are holding unclaimed
music royalties for you

in the amount of $2.5 million."

(whimpers)

Looks like those
children's records he made

are still making money.

Uh, say the number again.

$2.5 million.

(whimpers)

Apparently, it's been
stacking up since he d*ed.

Like the butt plugs.

Alan, you do realize that money
will go to his next of kin.

Uh, yeah. That's me.

Why do think I keep going...
(whimpers)

What about your mother
and his daughter?

(laughing)

Oh, you're serious.

Alan, you can't keep that kind
of money secret from them.

Why not? I kept from you

that I used your Tesla
to drive for Uber.

Hello.
Yes, I-I just received a notice

of unclaimed royalties
for Charlie Harper

that I would like to claim.

Oh, oh, yeah, sure, I'll hold.

What are you doing?
Uh, claiming.

Uh, yes, yes. Hi.

Uh, I am, uh, Alan Harper.

Uh, I'm Charlie Harper's
next of kin.

Yes, uh, uh, sadly, he-he
passed away four years ago.

Yes, I-I am sorry, too.

Uh, he's irreplaceable.

Uh, anyway, um...

I guess you can just, you know,
send me the check and...

Uh, death certificate?

Uh, o-okay, uh, is that...

is that necessary
to get the money?

Okay. Uh, how about, uh,
you send me the check,

I'll send you
the death certificate?

Or we can do it your way.

Uh, uh, oh, oh,

and by the way, um, uh,
when you give me the money,

do you notify the IRS,
or is that my responsibility?

Mine! Perfect.

Uh, bye-bye.

Our divorce is final, right?

Alan, I neither want
nor need your money.

Oh, I know that, uh,

but could you say that
again on camera?

O-Okay, okay.

You don't have
the death certificate, do you?

No, but I'm sure my mom does.

How are you
going to get it from her

without telling her
about the money?

Uh, remember four years ago

how I told you I'd only
be here for a few days?

I think I can figure it out.

I can't wait for this
to be over.

♪ Men. ♪

Well, this is a surprise.

You visit so seldom.

I know. I know.

I need to do it more.

I wasn't complaining.

So, how have you been?

Well, uh, uh, it's
funny you should ask.

Um, I've been doing a
lot of thinking lately.

I'm not giving you
a penny.

I, uh... I didn't
come for money.

Or a place to live or a car.

Or affection or
nurturing. I get it.

Uh, uh, I was thinking.

You know, um, well, maybe
it's my age, but, uh,

I'm starting to reflect
on the big questions.

You know, what's...
what's it all about?

Uh, why are we here?

What happens when we die?

I know what happens
when I die.

You get nothing.

Mom, I-I told you,
I did not come here...

Really? Nothing?

It's not because
I don't love you.

I just don't want to give you
a reason to k*ll me.

You mean another reason.

Where are all these
morbid thoughts coming from?

As long as I've known you,

you've never been
much of a thinker.

Or a... a doer
or a provider or...

pretty much anything
with "er" at the end.

Maybe I've been asking all
these questions because

the anniversary of Charlie's
death is coming up.

So?
- So I was thinking

it might be nice to do
something to commemorate it.

Like what? Snort coke
off a h**ker's butt?

Uh, actually, uh,
uh, more like, uh,

make a...
a memorial collage.

(laughs) A what?

A... a memorial collage.

You know, a collection of
images celebrating his life.

Uh, things like, uh,
his birth certificate,

uh, family pictures,
death certificate,

uh, awards, sheet
music, diplomas,

death certificate, um...

I don't know how much
I can help you.

I-I've got his
birth certificate,

a few baby pictures,

the little hash pipe
he made in camp.

No death certificate?

No.

I-I just thought you had it.

Oh. Well, bye.

♪ Men. ♪

I'm sorry. I can't find any
record of your brother's death.

You sure?
Uh, newspapers, obituaries?

No, I checked everything
on Charlie Harper...

Both here and in France... and...

I-I found a bunch
of weird self-sh*t sex videos,

including one featuring
what appears to be

the USC men's water polo team?

I also found this crazy rant
about a former employer.

But there's nothing
about his death.

How is that possible?

Did you ever see the body?

There was no body.
The man was hit by a train.

All that was left was a...

a meat smoothie
and a couple of teeth.

Well, how do you know
he's really dead?

Well, of course he's dead.
I have his ashes.

How do you know
that they're his ashes?

Well, what do you want me to do,
test them for herpes?

♪ Men. ♪

♪ Twinkle, twinkle,
little star ♪

♪ I always know
just where you are ♪

♪ In a pit below my house

♪ You will always
be my spouse. ♪

Oh, boy.

(clicks tongue, sighs)

Never put a window in a dungeon.

♪ Men. ♪

♪ Men. ♪

Yes, I am calling
about the $2.5 million

in unclaimed royalties
for Charlie Harper.

Uh, uh, good news.

Uh, I have just received

the death certificate
from France.

Uh, it's in French
and everything

so you know it's real.

Oh, oh, sure, I'll hold.

Uh, "cause de décès."

Uh... uh, Le...

train.

Oh, yes, yes, I'm still here.

What?

It's already been claimed?

By whom?

Was it an older red-headed woman

wearing a coat
made of Dalmatians?

What do you mean,
you can't tell me?

A... a numbered account
in the Cayman Islands?

That makes no sense.

FedEx just dropped off
a box addressed to Charlie.

Uh... uh, uh,
I'll call you back.

If that's a blow-up sex doll,
can I have it?

My grandkids need a pool toy.

Cuban cigars?

Charlie's favorite smokes.

Single malt scotch?

Charlie's favorite breakfast.

What the hell?

Looks the Kn*fe he used to
chase you around the house with.

Yeah, that's it.

(cell phone beeps)

"I'm coming home,
and you're going to pay."

That's got to be a wrong number.

You never pay for anything.

♪ Men. ♪

Walden!
- Alan?

Ms. McMartin, I'm sorry.
Uh, where's Walden?

WALDEN (muffled):
I'm a little busy, Alan.

Oh, okay.

Uh, are-are you aware
she's reading Cosmo?

It's a how-to article.

WALDEN: Well, it's not
so much "how to,"

as "how to do it better."

Seriously?

Hey. Even Tiger Woods
needs a swing coach.

Listen, can you

just come back in,
like, what, 20 minutes?

Eh...

No. This can't wait.
Look at this text.

(sighs)

Okay, that can't
be for you.

You never pay
for anything.

I think, somehow, some way...

(whispering):
Charlie is still alive.

Okay, this is ridiculous.

There's more.
A package came addressed to him.

Oh, is it something
that vibrates?

'Cause I could really
use some help with this.

He ain't lying.

No. It's-it's-it's not sex toys.

I am telling you,
Charlie is coming back,

and he is not happy with me.

Well, at the moment,
neither am I.

Should I go?

No, no, no, no, no.
We're so close.

Eh-eh...

Walden, it's like you said.

I mean, there was no proof
that Charlie ever d*ed.

All we have is Rose's word.

Who's Rose?

Oh, she's this
crazy millionairess

that used to stalk Charlie,

and then he
married her.

And then she started
stalking me.

Why? Did you
sleep with her?

Alan slept with her, too.

Hey, after 12 years,

everybody's slept
with everybody.

EVELYN: Alan!
Alan, where are you?

Uh, in here!

Oh, for God sakes!

That's my mother. Uh, oh,
Walden slept with her, too.

Uh... you slept with my mom!

No, that was just a handy
in a hotel bar.

I am a gentleman.

We need to talk.

Oh. Who's this?

Uh, this is my son's
social worker, Ms. McMartin.

And you're shtupping her.
How lovely.

Uh, Mom, don't be rude.

Uh, and I shtupped her first.

I really should go.

Yeah. Uh, okay.

Just remember
which step we're on.

Number six:

"finding the little man
in the canoe."

I don't remember you
having any trouble...

Okay, everybody stop!

What are you doing here?

I want to know why you sent
me this hateful e-mail.

Uh, "Dear Mom:"

"You were always
a horrible mother

"and a repulsive
human being,

"and I hope you
rot in hell.

"But before you do,

I will have my revenge."

Okay, I don't disagree
with anything here...

...but I did not send that.

Really? Who else would call
me "a horrible mother"?

No, no, it's still ridiculous.

What's ridiculous?

Alan has this crazy idea

that Charlie's still alive.

But then who sent her
that e-mail?

Who sent me this text?

Where did the cigars, booze
and chasin' Kn*fe come from?

Wait, what's a chasin' Kn*fe?

Uh, it's a regular Kn*fe

after two bottles
of scotch and some blow.

Who else would have sent it?

I don't know.

Like, somebody that wants
to freak you out.

Think about it: Who has
something to gain from this?

Who else has a claim
on that money?

What money?

No money.
There's no money.

Alan, will you just tell her?

(sighs)

I don't want to.

Alan!

Turns out, uh, there are
some unclaimed royalties,

uh, from Charlie's recordings.

How much?

Uh, two and a half...
thousand dollars.

Alan!

Million.

$2.5 million.

Ah, the memorial
collage.

That's why you wanted
the death certificate...

So you could
claim the money.

You dirty rat bastard.

What would you have done?

We're wasting time here.

Now, who else could have
a claim on the money?

(Ms. McMartin moaning)

MS. McMARTIN:
Oh, God!

Ah, damn it.

She found the
little man without me.

♪ Men. ♪

Anyway, we were thinking
of putting together

a sort of memorial collage...

Oh, for God sakes,
will you just tell her?

Um, some money owed to your
father has been discovered.

Really? How much?

Two and a half thousand.

Million.
It's $2.5 million.

Why are you here?

You know what? I've been asking
myself that since day one.

Honestly, I forgot she was here.

Look, anyway,

somebody claimed it
and transferred it

into a numbered account
in the Caymans.

And you think it was me?

Would I be living
in a one-bedroom apartment

if I had that kind of money?

(door opens)

I don't have my contacts in.

Was that the same one
or different?

(knock at door)

Excuse me.

Wow. You hang a penis
on that girl,

and you've got Charlie.

(door opens)

Thank you. Huh.

Certified letter
from a law firm.

Might mean traveling money.
Stand by.

Oh, my God.

What is it?

Am I seeing that right?
That's a lot of zeroes.

It's a cashier's check
for $100,000.

(whimpers)

Who's it from?

I don't know.
Oh, but there's a note.

It says,
"Buy yourself something nice.

Sorry I wasn't there for you."

I don't care who it's from.

Apology accepted.

Is the bathroom in here?

♪ Men. ♪

"Buy yourself something nice.

"Sorry I broke your heart...

"and banged your sister.

As I write this, I realize those
two things might be related."

Hmm. Screw my sister.

♪ Men. ♪

"Buy yourself something nice.

"Sorry I sh*t you.

I didn't know I was loaded."

♪ Men. ♪

"Buy yourself something nice.

Tell your mom I'm sorry
I gave her chlamydia."

♪ Men. ♪

"Sorry I never called.

Buy yourself a nice vag*na."

Aw.

♪ Men. ♪

Well, obviously Jenny
didn't claim the royalties.

Why would she send
a check to herself?

Yeah, but you still
don't know it was Charlie.

Oh, who else is going to send

an unemployed lesbian actress
$100,000?

I don't know.
Ellen DeGeneres?

I'm telling you,
Charlie's alive.

ROSE:
Oh, good.

Then I don't have to tell you.

♪ Men, men, men. ♪

♪ Men. ♪

Charlie is still alive?

Yeah, kinda.

What do you mean, "kinda"?

'Cause she "kinda" drank when
she was pregnant with me,

and now I "kinda"
can't do math.

BERTA:
Hey.

Hey.
What are you still doing here?

Oh, I accidentally fell asleep
in Zippy's room.

How do you accidentally
fall asleep?

You accidentally wash down
your pain pills with scotch.

What's Fatal Attraction
doing here?

She says that Charlie
is still alive.

I knew it.

Alan,

if you move out

and Charlie stays here
with Walden,

I believe that we can
keep this going

for another five years.

Yeah, I don't think so.

Uh... so, uh...

what exactly
happened to Charlie?

Yeah, start from
the beginning.

You mean from the pilot?

No, uh, what happened to my
brother after you married him?

Oh.

Well, we had
a wonderful wedding,

and then we flew to Paris
for our honeymoon.

We were so happy.
So animated.

(both sighing)

We went up
on the Eiffel Tower...

and went down
on the Champs-Elysées.

(sighs)

Ooh!

Afterwards,
we celebrated our love

with a romantic
candlelit dinner at the Ritz.

(vacuum cleaner whirring)

(sighs, sniffs)

Of course, I've always known
Charlie was no saint,

but I thought marriage
would change him.

Huh?

I was wrong.

So wrong.

Huh?

Disturbingly wrong.

(bleats)

I ran from the room, determined
to never see him again.

(bleating):
Charlie...

He finally caught up with me
at the train station,

but all I could
think about was...

(train whistle blowing)
revenge.

But at the last second,
fate intervened.

So I booked us a cruise home.

We moved in to a brand-new
house in Sherman Oaks...

The good part,
south of the boulevard...

Where we could live
as a happy couple.

WALDEN:
Wait a minute.

You bought a house
with a dungeon?

And a pit?

Of course not.

I had it remodeled.

The permit process
was just a nightmare.

Next time,
use my pit guy.

He's the best.

Continue.

ROSE:
For the next four years,

we were the happiest
we'd ever been.

I'd feed him...

bathe him...

and, of course,
there was endless

magical lovemaking.

Then, a few days ago,
the unthinkable happened.

Somehow, he managed
to make a rope

out of his bowling shirts
and ran away,

disappearing into the darkness.

(cartoony music playing)

Th-Th-Th-That's all, folks.

♪ Men. ♪

♪ Two and a Half Men 12x16 ♪
Of Course He's Dead Part 2
Original Air Date: 2015-02-19

♪ Men. ♪

Charlie escaped?

Uh, no.

Prisoners escape.

Lovers run away because
they're afraid of commitment.

Any-who, I just thought
I should tell you.

You know, in case he drops by
and guts you all like fish.

Why me? He doesn't
even know me.

Oh, I told him all about you...

How you're richer than him,
prettier than him,

and moved into his house
and carried on

like he never existed.

Thank you.

Hold on, Rose.

If Charlie is alive,
who's in the urn?

Oh. That's Billy.

Who's Billy?

The bisexual goat

who gave his life
that your son might live.

So... so, what are we
supposed to do now?

Wait a second.

Are we really not gonna
talk about the fact

that Charlie was having
sex with a goat?

Well, you didn't know Charlie.

It would have been weirder
if he hadn't.

Well, now that
you're all caught up,

I'll say my good-byes.

You're leaving?

Um, yeah.

I'm not gonna stick around
to find out

what he's going to do to me just
because I loved him too much.

Toodles.

Nah. That's just stupid.

No... no, no, no, no,
this is ridiculous.

He's not gonna hurt anybody.

Oh, of course not.

Rose, wait up.

What, you're...
you're leaving, too?

Alan, your brother
wasn't very pleasant

if he missed his morning coffee.

How do you think
he's going to be

after four years in a pit?

So you're just gonna bail?

Uh... yep.

Berta, good-bye.

I never really cared for you.

Right back at you, Red.

Walden...

I loved you like a son.

Alan...

good luck.

Well, I-I guess
we should go, too.

Hold on.

We're not really gonna run

'cause of some
crazy woman's story

and some vague text threats.

(cell phone chimes)

Okay, this one's
a little more specific.

What does it say?

"You despicable troll.

"You thought you could
replace my ninja awesomeness,

"you lame clown?

"I will deploy my army of
assassins to destroy you.

"I will bring my
bayonets of truth

"to the hexagon of death,

"where I will carve my initials
into your reptilian skull

and cover you in
tiger's blood."

Hard to believe he wrote
children's songs, isn't it?

Yeah, we're gonna
need some help.

Yeah, we're gonna need
a lot of help.

Here, try these.

They won't keep him
from hurting you,

but they will keep you
from feeling it.

♪ Men. ♪

Uh, thank you for
meeting with us

on such short
notice, Lieutenant.

Anything for you, my friend.

How can I help?

♪ Men. ♪

♪ Men. ♪

So, uh, that's about it,
uh, uh, Lieutenant...

Wagner.
Uh, Wagner.

No, not Wagner; Wagner.

Uh, W-A-G-N-E-R.
Wagner.

"Vhatever."

All right, now, let me see
if I got this straight.

12 years ago,
your wife kicked you out,

and then you and your dumb son
moved in with your brother.

Uh, uh, he wasn't dumb
at the beginning.

Uh, he got dumb later on.

What happened?

Uh, well, turned out
it was funnier.

All right.

So your brother then
let you stay there

eight and a half years
rent-free,

even though you claim
that he never liked you.

Ah. Ah, you're not the only one
to point out the illogic.

And this brother of yours
supposedly d*ed in Paris

under mysterious circumstances.

It wasn't all that mysterious.

I mean, he was taking
a lot of dr*gs

and pissed off almost everybody.

And then you tried
to drown yourself,

but you changed your mind
because the water was too cold.

And then you got into his house
and offered to buy it.

It seemed like a good
idea at the time.

And then you let him and his son
stay there for four more years.

Right.

Rent-free.

Well, when you say
it like that,

it sounds ridiculous.

And then your dead brother's

previously unknown
lesbian daughter shows up,

and then you let her move in.

(chuckles) You can't
write this stuff, huh?

And then the two of you
got married to each other.

Yes.

But you're not gay.

Well, I'm not.

And then you adopted
a black child.

Ah, ah, he's, uh...
he's more Eurasian.

Uh...

Oh, what a sweetie pie.

And the two of you
are now divorced?

Mmm.

But you're living together.

If I leave,
the whole thing falls apart.

Yeah, of course.

Uh, and now the woman
who stalked your brother

and then married him

all of a sudden shows up
and she says

that he's not dead after all,
that she has been keeping him

in a dungeon pit
in the San Fernando Valley.

Ah, uh, Sherman Oaks.

Uh, but the good part...
Uh, south of the boulevard.

And then he escaped,

and he sent you cigars
and whiskey.

Oh, and don't forget
the chasin' Kn*fe.

Oh, and the
threatening text.

He said, uh,
"I'm coming home,

and you're gonna pay."

I'm confused.

'Cause you said he doesn't pay
for anything.

I think the point is,

is that we need you
to find him becau...

This guy has some
serious rage issues.

Has he tried anger management?

Yeah, but it didn't work.

Okay.

Well, I have
this inscription now,

and so if we find him,
I'll let you know.

Uh, well...
- Thank you.

Uh, really appreciate it.

No problem.

Now, if I can, uh,

offer you a word of advice...

Mm-hmm?

I would consider
wrapping this whole thing up.

Uh, what do you mean?

I mean the whole
living arrangement.

The kids, the girls,
the beach house.

I mean, this whole thing
has been going on way too long.

Yeah, a lot of people
been saying that.

Haters gonna hate.

♪ Men. ♪

We should get out of town
for a couple of days.

You know, go to
a nice resort,

uh, get some facials,
Mani-pedis.

You know, a
guys' weekend.

No... we're not going anywhere.

We got a state-of-the-art
security system.

Nobody gets in
unless we let them in.

(both screaming)

What the hell?

"We got a state-of-the-art
security system.

No one gets in unless
we let them in."

Shut up.
No, you shut up.

Hey.
- (both scream)

Jake?
- Oh, my God. Oh, my God!

Oh, my God.

(laughing)

Hey!

What are you
doing here?

Yeah, I thought
you were in the Army.

Come on. Look at me.

Do I look like someone
who's in the Army?

Not on our side.

Come in.

Hey. These are pretty cool.
Where'd you get them? Target?

(laughs)

You get it? 'Cause of the...
there's the circles...

Yeah, no, no, I got it.
I got it. No.

Here's the thing.

It turns out that
your Uncle Charlie

might still be alive.

Oh.

That would explain why
I got a check for $250,000

and a note that said,
"I'm alive."

You have $250,000?

Not anymore. I stopped in
in Vegas on the way here.

Oh, God. How much
do you have left?

Two and a half million.

(whimpers)

Oh!

You won $2.5 million?

Oh, yeah.
It's not that hard.

I kept playing craps
because, you know, "crap."

Oh, and I kept
betting on come, because...

(laughing)

Wow. That's... amazing
that you made so much money

with such stupid jokes.

Taterhead!

Hey, Berta.

Oh, look at you!

You look like a grown man.

Really? Which one?

I've missed you.

Berta, what are you
still doing here?

No idea.

By the way, you're out of pot.

Where'd these things come from?
Target?

JAKE:
Ah.

Too late.

I already did that joke.
Ah...

No, somebody
left them here.

You didn't
hear anything?

I heard colors.

No, I-I am telling you,

Charlie is planning
on k*lling us all.

Okay. It was good
to see you guys.

Wait, Th-that's it?
You're leaving?

Oh, nothing personal...
I just got to get back to Japan

and tell my wife and kids
that we're rich.

You're...
you're married?

Yeah. Didn't I mention that?

No.

Wh-Wh-Wh-Whoa.
You have kids?

Well, they're hers.

She's a dancer.

Uh, let me guess...
A pole dancer?

No, she's Japanese.

Well, see you.

All right, all right, we-we
got to close these shades.

Anybody on the beach will
have a clear sh*t at us.

Right.

Do this...

Man, it sucks to be you guys.

♪ Men. ♪

(phone ringing)

Hello?

Judith, it's me.

Oh, hey, Alan.

Isn't it wonderful about Jake?

Uh, yeah, wonderful.
Listen...

Did he give you $100,000, too?

He gave you $100,000?

No. What do you want?

Uh, uh, okay, long story short...

It turns out my brother is alive
and he's out for revenge.

Revenge? For what?

Well, he didn't think
I could go on without him.

He thought I was more of

a supporting character
in his life,

but it turns out
I-I was sort of a co-lead.

Um, a-anyway,
I just wanted you to know

that if anything
were to happen to me,

you were the love of my life.

Oh, Alan, that is so sweet.

Hang on, honey.
I'm getting another call.

She's not coming back.

♪ Men. ♪

(phone ringing)

Hello?

Bridget, hi.

It's Walden.

Hey, Walden. What's up?

I can't go into detail,
but I just...

I wanted to say that I wish
I'd been a better husband.

(chuckles softly)

Well, thank you.

And I just want to say that...

I'm having sex with John Stamos.

I'm not lying.

(snaps fingers)

Go for Stamos.

Stamos, you're just
a handsome guy

who got lucky on a sitcom.

Listen, um, I'm just gonna
set the phone down

so you can listen to me
shish-kebab your old lady, okay?

Bye-bye.

♪ Men. ♪

(photographers clamoring)

(phone ringing)
Hold on, fellas.

Hello.

Uh, Kandi, it's Alan.

Oh, hi, Alan!

I just wanted you to know that,

even though we were only married
for a short time,

you were the love of my life.

Oh, how sweet.

And you were the first guy
I had tushy sex with.

You guys didn't hear that.

♪ Men. ♪

(phone ringing)

Hello.

Zoey.

Hi. It's Walden.

Oh, Walden.

How are you, darling?

Uh, not so good.

Uh... that's why I'm calling.

I... I just wanted
to tell you that...

I've been thinking
about you lately, and...

I'm sorry about
the way things ended.

Oh, well...
water under the bridge.

Listen, I'd love to chat,

but I'm in the middle
of a coronation.

Of a what?

A coronation.

I married King Rupert
of Moldavia,

and I'm being
crowned queen, so...

You're the queen of Moldavia?

What can I say?

Thank you, JDate.

(sighs) Shalom.

Darling,
you still breathing?

♪ Men. ♪

Hello?

Lyndsey, it's Alan.

Hi, Alan.

I was just showing off

the beautiful engagement ring
you gave me.

Great. Listen,
I-I just wanted you to know

that if anything
were to happen to me,

you were the love of my life.

Oh, baby.

You're the love of my life.

(quietly):
So, how much?

♪ Men. ♪

Okay, I will say
it one more time.

Resort hotel
till the cops find him.

We can be in Vegas in two hours.

Styx is playing Mandalay Bay.

No, if I let Charlie
drive me out of this house,

I reward his bad behavior.

Yeah. That's only supposed
to happen in show business.

Which we are not in.

Not anymore.

(cell phone ringing)

Oh. Hello?

Valden?
Walden.

That's what I said.

Look, I have good news.

We found your boy.

They found Charlie.

Are-are they sure?

Uh, uh, are...
are you sure it's him?

Well, he matches
the description.

Bowling shirt, cargo shorts,

and he's babbling away
incoherently.

That sounds like him.

Wh-Where'd you find him?

In a trashed hotel room

with a hooker in the closet.

That's absolutely him.

Oh, my...
Thank you so much.

This is a huge relief.

Oh, you're welcome.

Uh, see you in the gym.

Okay. Hasta la vista.

I'm telling you,
I'm not Charlie Harper.

Then who are you?

My name is Christian Slater.

I'm an actor, all right?

I was in a bar, and this guy
hands me a drink.

Next thing I know,
I wake up in a hotel room

dressed like a 12-year-old,

with a screaming woman
in the closet.

Yeah, right.

And I'm the governor
of California.

That bitch stole my watch.

♪ Men. ♪

♪ Men. ♪

What do you think
Charlie will do

when he gets out
of jail?

Well, if the past
is any indication,

he'll sober up and reflect
on his past mistakes,

apologize to everyone,

and then do something
even worse.

See, I'm not so pessimistic.

I'm hoping someday
he and I can be buddies.

(all laughing)

Good one.

By the way,

when this cigar is done,
so am I.

Yeah, you calling it a day?

Calling it a career.

You're quitting?

I didn't want to rub
your nose in it,

but Charlie sent me
a big-ass check,

so I'm out of here.

Where you gonna go?

Don't know.

Somewhere the sun is bright,

the pot is strong
and the men are stupid.

That's here.

You're right.

I'm staying.

(helicopter whirring overhead)

Wow.

Look at that.

Someone's having a piano
delivered by helicopter.

Mmm. That's the kind
of extravagant thing

Charlie would do.

Oh, uh, he had a baby grand
just like that.

It's coming right this way.

You don't think
that it's possible

that the cops got
the wrong guy, do you?

Nah.
- Nah.

(rings doorbell)

(helicopter whirring overhead)

Winning.