06x02 - Pro and Con

[bunniefuu]

- You want some more sprinkles?
- Yes, please.

Okay, I'm not really
sure if I'm the best dad

or the worst dad in the
world for getting you up

in the middle of the night
to eat ice cream with me.

The best.

Oh, what do you know? You're
all hopped up on sugar.

With all the depraved crazies I
have to put up with at the bar,

I love comin' home to
someone so pure and innocent.

And this is where the magic happens.

Um... before any magic happens,

let's remember the rule: no
magic in front of the baby.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
yeah. Hey. Hey, man.

Ha-ha. This is...

Kiki.

Kiki? Yes. Kiki. Kiki.

It's Kiki.

That's my roommate and his kid.

You don't really need to talk to
them, just... just make your way down

to the end of the hall.
I'll grab us some wine.

Pay no attention to the self-help
books and the vision board,

I... I'm holdin' those for a friend.

Please take this as a huge compliment,

- but she is way out of your league.
- I know, right?

So I just decided to
grab, like a quick drink

down at the Belvedere, you know, and

there she was, just sittin' there alone,

at the end of the bar, man.

- The Belvedere?
- Yeah.

You met her sitting
alone at the Belvedere?

Yep.

And now she's here.
In my house, in my bed.

Why am I still talkin' to you?

Okay. Eat up, Daddy will be right back.

Danny. Danny. Danny. Danny.

Dude, what is wrong with you?

Remember when you told me to wake
you up no matter what time it was,

if A, there was an apocalypse,

B, if beer were suddenly
free around the world,

or C, if I ever met a real live hooker?

Well, one of those things just happened.

B. Wait, no, A.

It's C. A hooker. Tucker
just brought home a hooker.

What? No way.

He met her at the Belvedere,
AKA, hooker hangout.

- Oh. Oh my God, I wanna see her.
- What? No.

But if you hold me out
over the fire escape,

I think I could see her.

So, where's the new girlfriend?

Didn't spend the night, huh?

No, she had to be up early.

So you say she stayed... I
don't know... about an hour.

Yeah... something like that.

Okay, seriously, please, please tell me

what's makin' you two smile
like weird home-schooled kids?

Dude, it's okay, we've
all paid for it before.

- Really? You've paid for it?
- No, I've never paid for it.

That's what you say to a friend,

so he doesn't feel bad
when he pays for it.

Um, hi. Uh, I'm sorry.

You guys think Kiki's a prost*tute?

Pretty much.

I mean, look where you met
her, look how you met her,

and if that doesn't
convince you, look at her.

Oh, and don't forget her name... Kiki.

Oh, I see what's goin' on
here, you're just jealous.

- Me? How am I jealous?
- Yeah, you're jealous

because I found a smart,
attractive girl who likes me.

Tucker, pretending to
like you is her job.

- I didn't pay for it.
- I hear the first time's usually free.

That's dr*gs. What... ?

And besides, man, at least
I'm not the one chasin' around

some fantasy chick he's never even met

because he can't have a
relationship with a real girl.

I might not have a girlfriend,
but at least I have a job.

Oh, you did not just go there.

Oh, I went there. I'm livin' there.

I'm gonna build a house
and raise a family there.

You know what?

Hey, Tuck.

- Ben.
- I know.

- You know what you gotta do?
- Yeah,

prove that girl really is a prost*tute.

- Adios. Sayonara.
- Arrivederci.

And, uh, buh-bye.

Last stop on our goodbye
tour before we head off

on our lust-filled
trip around the world.

I learned how to scream
"Oh, God" in five languages.

Grandma.

Oh... Emma. Mmm.

Oh, Grandma's gonna miss you so much.

It's not gonna be the
same without you, Mom.

Oh, honey. Oh, this...

this is the memory I will take with me.

Let's be honest, I could use a break.

Right there with ya.

Well, Bon-Bon, we better get goin'.
Our flight leaves in two hours

- and we still need to get our sh*ts.
- Oh, you're getting vaccinated?

No, we're gettin' wasted.

Boink.

- This vacation starts now.
- Bye.

Hi, Riles. Bye, Riles.

Bye, Mrs. Wheeler.
I'm really gonna mi...

I'm really gonna mi...

Oh, damn it, I could do it this morning.

Oh, my God. Okay, you
know, it's medicinal.

I have a license, yeah.

I'm holding it for a friend,
his name is Ben Wheeler,

he lives right there.

We aren't here for you, ma'am.

Brad Walker, you're under arrest.

What? No, no. There must
be some kind of a mistake.

What are you doing? I
mean, what are the charges?

Are you sure you're not here for her?

- I am. Real estate fraud.
- That could still be her.

- Honey, what are they talking about?
- Listen to me, Bonnie,

everything is gonna be okay. There
is a perfectly logical explanation,

which I am currently working on.

Just stay calm, and
find me a great lawyer.

No. No, no, no, definitely
not. I'm... I'm busy.

I'm pregnant. Conflict of
interest, not my specialty.

Please stop me when you
hear one of those you like.

Listen, if you don't help Brad,

I will make every day of
your life a living hell.

Yeah, that's right,
nothing's gonna change.

- Race you to the courthouse.
- Okay.

Danny. It's her.

Tucker's hooker is here.
She's sitting at the bar.

- Really? Oh, my God, I want to see her.
- No, no, no, no. no.

You're not just gonna see her,

- you're gonna pick her up.
- Okay.

And where should I put her?

You're gonna proposition her, Danny.

Bring her home, and I'll
make sure Tucker is there.

We gotta prove to him
that she's a hooker.

What if she doesn't agree?

I don't feel very attractive today.

Dude, she's a hooker.

It's literally her job to agree.

- Hey.
- Hey.

Thanks for meetin' me
here. You ready to go?

- Yeah. Let's go.
- You look great.

Okay. So she's the hot one
sitting in the middle of the bar.

I'll find Tucker and meet you at home.

Boy, am I lonely.

If only I could have sex with someone.

This can't be happening.

I don't know how much longer I can stand

to see you rotting away like this.

Bonnie, it's only been two hours.

But I'm scared.

Three prison gangs want me

and I don't wanna
hurt anyone's feelings.

Listen. All right, don't worry.

Riley is gonna get you out of here.

In the meantime, let me take
you to cellblock double-D.

Oh, my God. Mrs. Wheeler,

- put those away.
- No. This is how I grieve.

Okay. Hi. All right. I
looked through the charges,

and I think I have a clear
strategy for getting you out.

So your guilt or
innocence doesn't matter.

- In fact, it's actually better if I don't know...
- I'm guilty.

Is the kind of statement
that I don't need to know.

I did it all. There is a
storage locker in Brooklyn

with all the evidence
they need against me.

And I did not hear that.

- I said I'm guilty.
- Brad, stop.

I can't hear any of this.

There's something wrong with my phone.

Would someone please tell
my lawyer that I'm guilty?

Wait. I've actually been here before.

I know.

That's kind of the point.

Could you just wait here for one second?

Hey.

I got the hooker. Where's Tucker?

I don't know. He hasn't
answered any of my texts.

Normally, at this time of
day, he's sitting on the couch,

wondering where his life went wrong.

- Ben?
- Rachel?

Rachel. Hey. So great to see you.

Sorry I never called you back, I, uh...

broke my hand.

What are you doin' here?

- I thought your name was Kiki.
- Nope. Rachel.

Well done, Danny, you
brought home the wrong girl.

- You're not a hooker?
- No, I'm not a hooker.

Then why'd you come back
with me when I asked you

if you wanted to have sex?

I thought I was hooking
up with a New York Ranger.

I thought I was hooking
up with a New York Ranger.

Riley. Uh, it's not what it looks like.

See, I thought Rachel
was Tucker's hooker,

so I tried to make her my hooker.

It's just your classic case
of mistaken hooker identity.

Ah, relax.

The fact that Ben is here
automatically clears everybody.

So, Rachel, how's your cat?

- She d*ed.
- Bummer.

- What's goin' on?
- Okay, well, big picture:

Brad's been arrested
and my life may be over.

And small picture:
Danny hired this hooker

to prove that you were dating one.

Yeah. I think that's
everything, right? Yeah.

- I'm not a hooker.
- Okay, whatever you say, sweetie.

Ben, can I talk to you?

I'd rather not, you seem pretty pissed.

Did he pick you up at the Belvedere?

Tell Jimmy I said hi.

- I'm tellin' you, I'm right.
- Dude, you are being ridiculous.

Kiki is not a hooker, man.
You wanna know how I know?

I'm not paying her.

That doesn't mean other people aren't.

Come on, man, what do
you even know about her?

- What does she do for a living?
- No idea.

- Are you seeing her again tonight?
- Nope, she's working.

- At what?
- No idea.

- Exactly.
- Okay...

This does not prove
that she's a hooker, man.

It... It just proves
that I'm a bad listener.

And what does any girl
you've ever dated do?

Riley's like a judge or something?

Exactly. And we're done
with this conversation.

- Tucker...
- I said done.

- Tucker still mad?
- Yup.

Should we apologize?

Nope. We're goin' to the Belvedere.

Why?

Because friendship isn't just
about what you say to your friends.

It's what you do behind their backs.

Tucker's lucky to have us.

Mrs. Wheeler. Mrs. Wheeler, great news.

- What?
- All the evidence against Brad is circumstantial.

After a preliminary conversation
with the DA's office,

it looks like I may be
able to cut him a deal.

Quit the legal mumbo jumbo, you
showoff, and give it to me straight.

I think I'll be able to get Brad out.

Okay, I mean, except for
an indecent exposure case

that you are a part of,
his record is squeaky clean.

I mean, he'll just have to pay a fine,

- he won't even lose his real estate license.
- Oh, my God.

You did it. I mean,
you. You actually did it.

God, I... I knew I was
smart to pick you, huh?

Yep, it's all you.

It always is.

Oh, I'm gonna convince
Brad to take the deal.

Phew!

Always waitin' on the men, am I right?

- Well, it is a men's prison.
- Ah.

- What's yours in for?
- Real estate fraud.

Guilty as sin.

But when you've got an ass like that,

you're bound to make a few mistakes.

Think you'll be able to get him off?

Oh, for the fraud and stuff, right.

Yeah, we're already working on it.

Okay. Brad's on board.

Now I just need to
talk to the assistant DA

- and get this thing finalized.
- No need.

I'm the assistant DA.

And the deal's off the table.

Better luck next time, Counselor.

I'm sorry...

Way to go, Riley. I knew I
shouldn't have picked you.

But no, you're family,
it would've been awkward.

God, thanks a lot.

Danny?

- Riley?
- What are you doing here?

Um... I... uh, we...

- Ben?
- We were just payin' some parking tickets.

You don't have a car.

We just signed up for a ride-along.

- Danny's afraid of sirens.
- You said you wouldn't tell anyone.

Okay, fine, the truth is,

we came to see Brad,
and support you and Mom.

Well, that's an obvious lie,

but whatever you're doing,
I'm sure it's Ben's fault.

Come on, Mrs. Wheeler,
we need a whole new plan.

Soliciting a prost*tute?

Well done, boys, you owe me bail money.

We were just trying to
get information, not sex.

Though I feel like you
were maybe considering it.

Is it a crime to ask what's on the menu?

Well, we're in jail, so
I'm gonna go with yes.

How were we supposed to know
she was an undercover cop?

Oh, my God. You are never
gonna give up on this, are you?

No. Never. Not happening.

Zero chance in hell. You know why?

- Because I'm right.
- Okay, you know what? I'll play.

I'm gonna prove to you both
that Kiki is not a prost*tute.

I don't suppose that means you
want me to have sex with her

and see if she charges me?

Just throwin' it out there.

- What's wrong with you?
- I can't do it again.

The first time I got the wrong girl,

the second time we got arrested.

Let's face it, I'm no good
at pickin' up prostitutes.

Look, you will be fine.

Okay? As soon as you
sit down, I'll text her

that I have to cancel, at which
point she will undoubtedly get up

- and walk out of the bar.
- Yeah, with Danny and his cold hard cash.

Now you get out there
and pick up a pro, bro.

Okay, you've burnt down a house,
a forest, and a summer camp.

What's one lousy little storage locker?

Mrs. Wheeler, what are you doing?

No evidence, no conviction.

- Oh...
- You can't do that.

It's arson. It will ruin your life.

Also, can't you ever
just shred something?

Why is burning always your go-to?

- But I love him.
- I know.

Please don't hate me
for saying this, but...

are you sure he's worth it?

It shouldn't be this hard.

Neither is choosing
between Ben and Danny,

but Lord knows that decision
baffled you for years.

I'm just saying maybe it's
time you do what you do best,

only think about yourself.

Do you really think I
should just walk away?

Mrs. Wheeler, I know you thought
you would never find love again

after everything that
happened with your ex-husband,

but you are a vibrant woman with
a lot of mi... life left in you.

You shouldn't have to
rot away alongside Brad.

Well, it seems pretty
dicey to trust somebody

who'd make the choice to cut
their hair like that, but...

you might be right.

Maybe there just is
no happy ending for us.

But it's not too late for
you to have your happy ending.

Do you smell smoke?

No.

Oh, God. Okay, all right, run.

Run, this is like Camp
Winnataki all over again.

Go! Go, go, go, go, go.

Amateur.

You're welcome!

Hello, there.

I'm a businessman from out of town.

- How are you?
- Uninterested.

Really?

Because, working in business
as I do can get very lonely.

The only thing keeping
me company right now

is my pocket full of cold hard cash.

Well, maybe we can be lonely together.

Seems my night just opened up.

Why's she still talking
to him, what is he saying?

Well, if he's been paying attention,

hopefully it's about
having sex for money.

So, you think you wanna have some fun?

And... you know what I mean by "fun?"

I know.

So are you staying nearby?

Just so we're clear,

you only wanna have sex with me

because I'm going to pay you. Right?

Yes. It's for the hour.

Oh, my God. You are a hooker. Guys.

She is a real hooker!
I can't believe it.

I mean, honestly, I didn't think
so, but Ben was so sure of it

and Tucker refused to believe it, wow.

A real life hooker, it
is so nice to meet you.

Tucker, what the hell is going on?

Kiki, I am so sorry.

Okay, these idiots are
convinced that you're a hooker,

and I'm just tryin' to prove to
them that you could never do that.

Why not? It's a business,
just like everything else.

- Wait, so you are a hooker?
- Yes.

But I wasn't when I was with you.

I really liked you.

I was hoping that we could
have a real relationship.

Something I don't get very often.

Bye, Tucker.

Yes.

What did I say? I told you guys,

but no, nobody believed
me. I was being ridiculous.

Well, who's ridiculous now?

Congratulations, Ben.

You know, just tell me one thing.

Were you doing this because you
wanted to be a good friend, or...

just because you wanted to be right?

Oh, I get it, you're just
tryin' to make me feel bad.

Oh, crap, now I feel bad.

I b*rned most of the evidence.

Not my usual breakup gift,

but the conjugal visit trailer
was booked up for weeks.

- You sure you're ready to do this?
- I am.

Game face, Bonnie.

Stay strong. Stay strong.

- Brad, we need to talk.
- Bonnie, they're gonna keep me

- in this cage for years.
- Yeah, that's what I wanted to talk to you about.

The pain and suffering is
going to be immeasurable.

Well, at least for one of us.

You have to let me go.

I can't let my choices
affect the woman that I love

more than I ever loved myself.

Wait. What?

You love me more than you love yourself?

But you love you so much.

I know.

And that is why I am
setting you free, Bon-Bon.

Well, there you go,
you wanna share a cab?

No. No, I'm not going anywhere.

You are my husband, and I love
you, and I will wait for you.

Even if it takes forever.

Because I love you more
than you love you, too.

That's why you're gonna be
the pride of the family...

the bar is low.

Kiki, hey. Thank you so much for coming.

You know, I feel terrible
about how everything went down

between you and Tucker, and
I have a proposition for you.

Not for all the money in the world.

No. No, no, no, no, no, not me.

Although, that sort
of hurts my feelings.

Listen.

I didn't realize how much
Tucker really liked you. So,

do you think you would
consider calling him and saying

you were just pretending to be a hooker

because you knew what we were up to,

and were just messin' with us?

I don't think I'm comfortable lying.

Oh, but you're comfortable with...

Never mind, never mind.

I'll admit to him I was wrong,

and then maybe you guys could
go out a couple more times,

and just break up normally?

I mean, he never makes it
past three dates anyway.

I guess I would be up for that.

Really? That's awesome.

Wow. Look at that. A
hooker with a heart of gold.

Those don't exist. It's
gonna cost you $ .

Huh.

Cash... best friend.

Cash... best friend.

Ca... This might take a while.

Well, here we are again,

Bad Dad waking you up in the
middle of the night for a snack.

Welcome.

Really?

Okay, this is Natalia,
she's a librarian,

she lives in Brooklyn,
originally from Yonkers,

she has a sister named Jody
and a cat named Sprinkle.

- Well, what about...
- I don't wanna hear it.

Well, what about Kiki,
didn't she call you?

No, why would she do that? I
don't even wanna talk to her.

I kind of got my hands full, man.

Let this be a life lesson, Emma.

Always get a receipt.