06x03 - Ben Rides a Unicorn

[bunniefuu]

There. I believe Danny's old room is

officially ready for its new tenant.

And to think, it only took seven coats

of paint to get it to stop smellin'

like the inside of an old gym bag.

When Ben finally moved out of
the house, I just opened the door

and started parking my car there again.

Can we come in?

Ooh! Not yet!

Okay, um...

Oh. Uh-oh... yeah.

And now, we're ready.

Surprise!

Fifty square feet of living
space, a lovely fake kitchen,

and a window overlooking an air shaft.

But the best part, rent is only
a daily "I love you, Daddy."

I love you, Daddy.

She's growin' up.

Hmm? Her own bedroom, a big-girl bed.

This is quite a milestone.

Oh, Benji. It's gonna be okay.

She'll always need her dad.

Thanks. But I just realized I finally

get to have sex in my own room again.

Oh, my God. It's been so long.

♪ It's amazing how the unexpected ♪

♪ Can take your life
and change direction ♪

Okay, Emma, you are about to be welcomed

to the amazing world of
professional wrestling!

Though some might mock
you for your choice...

Just know that you

are on the side of righteousness!

Yeah.

Hey, remember when we were nine?

And you crushed me with your thighs
so hard it dislocated my shoulder?

That's when I first started
thinking you might love me back.

And that's when I
first started thinking,

"Diet, Riley. Diet."

You know, we would've
made a lot fewer visits

to the hospital if someone
just told us it was fake.

Seriously? Why don't you just tell her

about Santa Claus or the
pope while you're at it.

The pope is real.

That's more like it.

Wait. Yeah, I think I know that guy.

Ryan Davidson. He was my roommate

during training camp.

The last spot on the team
came down to the two of us,

and I got it.

I always wondered what happened to him.

Maybe you should give him a call.

He doesn't wanna talk to me.

I'm still a Ranger and he's a wrestler.

He's livin' the dream.

I really hope the baby gets your eyes.

Ooh! Tucker, perfect!

I need some expert advice.

Dude, I told you. I'm not a doctor.

I mean, I'll look at
it if you want me to.

What? No, no, I'm trying
to craft the perfect text

to seal the deal with this girl
I right-swiped this morning.

Too bad there's no emoji that says,

"Hey, wanna just come
over and have sex?"

Ah, the question all
men wish they could ask.

I mean, other than, "Why can't you
be ready when you say you will?"

Is it so wrong that all I wanna do

is christen my room and not be
bogged down with all that caring

or name learning?

Karma got it right by
givin' you a daughter.

I'm walkin' a tightrope here, man.

Too sweet and she thinks
we're starting a relationship.

Too direct and it's
over before it starts.

There's just no way to say it.

"How about I come over
around tonight?"

There's one way to say it.

It's her. That is what
she's saying, right?

Yeah.

Oh, my God, it's a miracle.

- Hey, guys, what's goin' on?
- Oh, Ben just found a bang buddy.

I really enjoy our little talks.

So, how do you decide
who's gonna win or lose?

Oh! And have you ever gotten in
a real fight during a fake fight?

Oh, and... and... why
is it called a ring

when it's actually shaped like a square?

Sorry, I got so many questions.

I'm just a huge fan!

Don't be too impressed.

I'm in what you might
call a second-tier league.

Most people who come to see us
just wanna get out of the cold.

Second tier is still impressive.

I'd k*ll to get in any ring.

Well... fake k*ll. I know how it works.

I could probably make that happen.

Seriously?

Maybe you could be a
special guest fighter.

I mean, wrestling a New York Ranger,

that kind of publicity
would really help us out.

Dude, that'd be amazing.

Can I come up with
my own signature move?

Can I hit you with a chair?

Oh, my God, it's all happening so fast.

- Oh. Hey,
Tuck-Tuck. - What up?

Rockin' some plaid today, huh? Okay.

Oh God! Oh, my God!

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

Oh God, what is he doing here?

Who?

What, the guy with
Danny? Do you know him?

Yes! I know him. I ruined him!

- What, did you have sex with him?
- Yeah.

- Oh, I was kidding.
- Oh God.

During Danny's first training camp,

it came down to the two
of them for the final spot.

So, the night before the last practice,

I took Ryan out and
filled him full of booze,

and, you know, one thing led to another,

and let's just say, Danny made the team.

Does Danny know?

Oh God, no!

He would be crushed if he
learned he made the team

because I scored and he didn't!

I was never here.

Wait. Wait.

So, you think this girl
is coming over tonight

for no reason other than
to have sex with you.

Did I stutter? If I did, it's
only because I'm s-s-s-so excited.

Okay, well, that kind of
girl is like a unicorn.

She doesn't exist. Tonight
it's sex, tomorrow it's...

"Hey, babe, sell the Porsche.
We need to get a minivan."

I am telling you, she's
just looking for an in.

So am I, Riley. So am I.

Ben, women don't have sex unless
they have feelings for you,

so if you're not in it for
the feelings, well, then...

you won't be feeling anything of hers.

Really? So just
bottom-line me, what is the

absolute least I have to do to get some?

Well, Romeo,

uh, if you really wanna
christen the room...

which by the way, ew...

uh, you're gonna need
some candles, some wine,

perhaps treat her like a human being.

How about two out of three?

What the hell was that?

Hey, guys!

Yeah, they wanted to
practice at our place,

but I felt more comfortable
with them breaking your stuff.

By the time the slow-witted tortoise

woke up after an evening in the forest,

the momma bear had
ruined his hockey career.

Now she was worried that the tortoise

had figured it out, and
was laying a bear trap.

You get that I'm the momma bear, right?

Yes.

Do you think that Ryan figured
out that I'm Danny's mom,

- and put it all together?
- Yes.

Wow, you're wise.

What is going on out there?

This is usually the point in the video

when I realize I've
downloaded the wrong one.

Oh. Hey, Mrs. Wheeler. You
lose your "vitamins" again?

Tucker. All right,
Tucker? Can I speak to you

in Emma's room for a moment, huh?

- Tea party!
- Oh, of course, sweetie, yes!

I promised a tea party. Oh, how lovely.

Oh, my goodness. Oh...

So, why didn't you

tell me that Ryan was here, gov'nah?

Because I
didn't care, Your Highness.

Oh. Oh, well. Well, if
you don't start caring,

- I will shove a scone so far up your...
- Good point, love! Okay!

I, uh, I heard Danny
is going to wrestle him

tomorrow night for publicity.

What? Don't
you see what's happening?

Danny is living the
life Ryan should've had.

But I destroyed him, so
he's here to destroy Danny!

Oh.

Oh, I mean... I do believe he will

get him in the ring and
just shred him to pieces.

Ahh, I need your help. We need
to stop Danny from wrestling

without telling him the truth. Mm-hm.

Oh. Please, Emma?

Oh.

It's up to you, Tucker, where this goes.

Anita! Yes!

You look like your
profile pick. Finally!

- Do I look like mine?
- Meh.

Can I offer you a glass of
wine and some soft candlelight

while we get to know each other better?

Well, I don't drink, and I'm
actually meeting some friends

in a half hour, so...

So, you
wanna go straight to...?

Your room. Is that okay?

Is that okay? That wins the award
for most okay statement ever.

Yeah, it's just over
there to the left.

Will you excuse me
for just one second?

Hey. What do you want?

Just delivering some breaking news.

Unicorns are real, and
I'm about to go tame one.

I'm tellin' you, it was perfect.

She just got up and left.

No obligatory cuddle,
no awkward conversation

about when we're gonna
see each other again.

Wait. What was the name
of this app you met her on?

Right, but you're gonna have to see her

again to give her back her earring.

Wait. What? How do you
know Anita left her earring?

Because a bra is too obvious, and you

can't walk home without your shoes.

Sure, she's fine with the
p.m. booty call now,

but Anita is playing the long game,

and you're falling for
every trick in the book.

No. Never happening. Anita's
not that kind of girl.

Oh, my God! My watch stopped, all
the clocks in the house are wrong,

and I don't know where my phone is.

Oh my G... How did that get there?

I'm already an hour late
for wrestling practice. Oh!

Guys, don't forget, my
big match is tonight.

I lose, but
you won't see it coming.

Oh! Hey. Hey, honey, I
just came by to stop you.

I mean, get you... um, talk to you.

No time, Ma. I've got
to get to the ring.

Oh! Well, then, it's a good
thing I caught you, then,

because I just discovered
that you can't wrestle,

because it's against your
contract with the Rangers.

Oh. Yeah, I knew about that.

That's why I already
cleared it with the team.

Oh God, you picked now
to read your contract?

- Um...
- Mom, I gotta go.

Oh, let me just hug you
before you go, honey.

Mom... Mom...

- Let me hug you. Let me hug you!
- Mom. Mom. Mom.

- I love you! I love you!
- Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom, let me go!

I love you!

Listen, Danny, all right,
have fun, and don't look back.

Seriously, on the way
there, don't look back!

Okay. Tucker!

Is it just me, or is my
mom acting kind of weird?

It's never just you.

Oh! Oh, the phone!

Ten bucks says that's
her, she had a great time,

and she can't wait to see you again.

Well, you're on.

And it is from Anita. And
she says, "Had a nice time.

Can't... wait to see you again."

Ah! Oh! I knew it! God, I hate
that we are so predictable.

Ooh, a follow-up.

"Maybe I can swing by for
minutes at lunch time."

Why would she wanna do that?

She's horny.

Mrs. Wheeler,
wrestling is Danny's dream.

I mean, his odd, kind of
creepy, kind of man-grabby dream,

but you're never gonna
get him to quit now.

I know. Which is why I am
gonna have to stop Ryan myself.

Do I even need to ask how?

Seducing Ryan is what
got me into this mess,

and seducing Ryan is
gonna get me out of it.

Nope, I had it.

Look, I'm just gonna get him drunk
and lock him in his motel room.

Isn't that exactly what got you
into this mess in the first place?

What are you, the memory police?

Listen. He's only here for one night.

It won't be a problem, okay?

Take it.

Ryan? Oh...

Ryan Davidson?

Is that you?

Oh my goodness. How, after all
these years, we both look so great.

I'm sorry, have we met?

It's a little hard for me
to keep track of all my fans.

Oh. But I was a very special fan.

Yeah, that's what they all think.

Enjoy the show tonight.

I guess slamming his
head against the floor

made him forget about you.

Hey, real quick, can you slam
my head against the floor?

Oh, he remembers me, all right.

Nobody forgets Bonnie Wheeler.

No matter how hard they try.

Hey, Steve.

Can you prep a B- sh*t for me?

I need a little somethin'
extra for the show tonight.

Oh! Tucker. I know how
we can stop the match.

Well, at least how
you can stop the match.

Nope, not doin' it. Don't
even ask. I'm going home.

- Okay, I'll buy you dinner.
- Lobster?

- Pizza.
- Steak?

- Pizza.
- Done.

Aah, I was hopin' for the pizza man.

I wanted to tell you,
Anita just stopped by,

and she didn't even
stay the full minutes.

Not really somethin' to brag about.

Ben, I'm sorry, but this
girl is playing you perfectly.

Mmm, pretty sure someone
who has feelings for me

wouldn't accidentally call me "Bill."

And yet, you seem
oddly obsessed with her.

I'm not obsessed. If
I see her again, great,

if I don't, whatever.

Oh, good! Because if I was her,

and I was, uh, I predict
she's about to go radio silent,

totally unavailable, now
you're the one chasing her,

and that's when she
reels you in like a fish.

No. She'd jump at
the chance to see me again.

"Hey, Anita. Round three tonight?"

Oh! Would you look at that.

It's as if she was
anxiously awaiting my call.

"Sorry, busy."

"Are you sure?

Late is cool."

Mm, not desperate at all.

"Still busy."

"How about tomorrow
night?" Happy face emoji.

Maybe she didn't get it. I'll
send it again, just to be safe.

Oh, you know what? You
have something right here.

Oh, it's a hook.

Oh, man, that's really in there.

It couldn't be simpler. Just tell Ryan

you're ready to give him his B- sh*t.

But sh**t him up with this
muscle relaxer instead, okay?

He can't paralyze Danny
if we paralyze him first.

Should I be concerned you were carrying

a vial of muscle relaxer in your purse?

Should I be concerned you
know how to do that so well?

There he is. Okay.

Ry-Ry! What's up, man? I got that, uh,

that, uh, B- sh*t you requested?

Awesome! What happened to Steve?

I... I tied him up
in the trainer's room.

I'm pretending to be a doctor!

You're funnier than Steve.

Sorry, Doc. I'll come back later.

What the hell is the matter with you?

I can't feel the left side of my body.

Ow! That's my right side!

I know! Now quit messing around.

We've gotta go help Danny.

Oh God!

Why does everything always
have to be about you?

Oh, dude, I'm telling you,
she's not texting you back.

Yeah, I got that,
unreturned texts ago.

You people ruin everything.

I kept up my end of the bargain,

a relationship with no
commitment, no feelings, no words.

And you know what? The joke's on her.

She slept with me for nothing.

I know that joke.

Oh, my God, that's her.

Her who? The unicorn?

Yeah, like you
didn't see this coming?

Um... no, not really.

I mean, how did she know
you were gonna be here?

Maybe she went through my phone,
or whatever tricks you all use.

Or perhaps it's a coincidence.

And cue the fake date.

Could she be more obvious?

Or... perhaps she's on an actual date.

Don't try and save her now.

If she thinks she can make me care,

then she can think again.

Really? 'Cause you seem like you care.

I don't care.

I don't think this is right.

Listen. Sweetie, honey, I am
begging you, don't do this.

You could get hurt.

You could end your career.

Don't worry, Mom. It's all fake.

Whoa. That hurt more
than I thought it would.

That's because Ryan is
trying to destroy your career.

He blames you for not making the team.

Ow! Uh!

Why?

Because your mother, who
loves you very much...

Aah!

...seduced Ryan the last
night of training camp...

...to make sure that you made the team.

I'm living a lie?

Roundhouse! Roundhouse! Oh,
I meant Danny, not you, Ryan.

Look at her. Thinkin' she's so smart.

Like I'm gonna go over there
and make a scene or somethin'.

I really don't think she
even knows you're here.

Oh, she knows.

She's been makin' me dance, but it's
time this puppet cut the strings.

Aah! Dude! That really hurts!

Just tryin' to make it look real.

Hey, you gotta believe me, I had no idea

she sabotaged your chances
of becoming a Ranger.

- What are you talkin' about?
- That woman who seduced you

the last night at camp,
she did it on purpose.

It's the reason you got cut.

But I'd already been cut
from the team that afternoon.

That's why I didn't come
to the last day of practice.

Really? I made the team fair and square?

- You're not tryin' to hurt me?
- What? No. Why would I do that?

And how'd you know I slept
with someone that night?

And, God, she was easy.

- What?
- Talk about one desperate old broad.

Hey, that desperate old broad is my mom!

Hey, can you hold my head up
so I can see what's going on?

God, try to show some enthusiasm!

Anita! Surprise. I see you're
too busy to answer a text,

but not too busy to follow me
to my brother's wrestling match.

Ben... hi.

This is Jim.

Yeah, yeah, let me guess,
your probably gay, co-worker,

you brought around
just to make me jealous?

Why are you following me?

I'm not following you.
You're following me!

I can't believe that you're
so desperate to get a boyfriend

that you tricked me into believing
that we had something special:

sex without feelings.

That's exactly what
I thought we had, too.

So, you're not...

No, I'm not whatever it
is you think I'm doing.

Oh! Well, then, my bad.

So I'll just leave you alone,
and you can text me whenever.

Yeah, I don't think so,
Mr. Twenty-three Texts.

Let's get out of here.

See? I told you that
unicorns don't exist.

I'd like to start off
by saying I was wrong.

And for the record,
a woman admitting

she was wrong is a
unicorn in itself.

Yes! Get him, Danny!

Yeah! Ha-ha!

Yeah! Yeah!

Oh, my God! Danny, you did it!

Oh God! Oh! I'm so proud of you!

And listen, honey, I am
sorry for sleeping with Ryan.

Oh. It's okay, Mom.

Oddly enough, I appreciate
why you do what you do.

Is Tucker okay?

Have you seen Ben? I
wanted to apologize again.

Yeah, I think he went to bed,

but, um, you can check his room.

I'm fine, by the way.

Knock, knock.

Aw, don't worry, Emma.

Someday you'll get your own room.