06x04 - A Mother of a Day

[bunniefuu]

Let me see your shoes. Ohhh,
there you go, you got it.

Now, you just need to learn how
to be twice as good at everything

for half the pay, and you
are on your way to womanhood.

Oh, here you are.

Wow! You guys look great.

Oh, crap. Am I supposed
to look great, too?

I can be ready for whatever I'm
not ready for in two minutes.

Danny, Danny! This pregnant
girl is not going anywhere.

We were just playing dress-up
because this might be my last month

to wear any of my clothes
without them exploding.

Sweetie, you look great.

Remember, I fell in love
with you when you were chunky.

Hon, I'm gonna fall out of love with

you if you ever call me chunky again.

I don't know how... but this can
be my fault if you want it to be.

Thanks. I'd like that very much.

♪ It's amazing how the unexpected ♪

♪ Can take your life
and change direction ♪

...And that's when Brad and I realized,

"harder" is a horrible safe word.

God, I miss drinking coffee alone.

Oh, my God, you guys, guess what?

Ooh, ooh, ooh!

I don't care.

Well, I don't care that you don't care,

because I have just been nominated

for a New York Entertainment Award!

Oh, yeah!

Get off, this is my happy dance!

Mine!

Did you get nominated
for watching television?

'Cause that's all you've
done for the last month.

No, I got nominated

for the critically acclaimed

Mother's Day special

I produced for The Mary Hart Show,

right before that ungrateful wig

in spandex fired me.

Who's laughin' now?

Probably still her,

since she's rich and powerful,

and you've had macaroni
for three straight meals.

Yeah, yeah-yeah... yeah,

whatever, man, she could
laugh all she wants,

because once the news gets out

that I was nominated,

the job offers, they're
just gonna start flyin' in.

People will literally be all over me.

Oh, my God, Tucker, we
are gonna have so much fun!

First of all, you are not invited,

and second of all, I think
I just lost my gum in there.

What, again?

Hey, here's a little thought-ski...

since you're nominated
for a Mother's Day special,

why don't you invite your mom?

My mom?

If she had any human parts
that registered emotion,

I'd say yes, but I
pretty much struck out

in the warm and loving
parents department.

Oh. Well not everybody
can be as lucky as Ben.

You never know, man.

This is important.
It's your first award.

I guess I can call her.

Hey, but can I borrow your phone,

'cause she doesn't pick up when I call.

Thanks, man.

Oh! "Why don't you call your mom?"

Why don't you invite
your mouth to shut up?

God, I miss drinking coffee alone.

How did this happen?

Well... I think it started
with you takin' off my shirt,

and then I took off your shirt...

No...

this. I mean, how... how
am I this big already?

Honey, you look adorable,
you finally popped.

Huh, yeah, I popped all
right, you wanna know why?

Because a giant impregnated me.

A giant who I love very much.

But everyone at work is
gonna know that I'm pregnant.

You haven't told them yet?

Are you ashamed of our baby?

Shouldn't you see it first?

No, well, no one at work
knows, because if they find out,

they'll never make me junior partner.

You know, they won't
see a brilliant lawyer,

they'll see a flabby
bundle of maternity leave.

I was really hoping they
would've made a decision by now.

Well, then you need to make them decide.

Go in there and refuse to
take no for an answer...

like I do.

For the last time, we are
not naming our kid Maverick.

- But you know what, you're right.
- You're right.

I'm going to make it happen.

Thank you.

Oh, uh, don't forget your lunch.

No salsa, carrots or cole slaw involved.

I got a pregnancy barf list goin'.

Oh, my God... oh God, you might
wanna add tuna to that list!

- This could be my fault, too.
- It is!

No, I... I get it, Mom.

Yeah. Y... You're a doctor, you're busy.

Yes, we can count this
as my birthday call.

Seriously, what kind
of mother doesn't wanna

be part of one of their
son's proudest moments?

Ucch! Let it go! Okay?

Nobody thought you were gonna
graduate, so I made plans.

Not me, Tucker!

And you were at my graduation.

I think you might have
a drinking problem.

Okay, Mom. Yeah, no, it's... it's fine.

I'll talk to you later.

Hey, Tuck. How'd it go?

Why do I ever listen to you?

That good, huh?

No, Ben, not good.

She's not coming.

- This is all my fault.
- Yeah, we all got that.

I just feel so bad for him.

Me, too.

Ahh... that's what this feeling is.

Compassion.

Mm, I don't like it!

I need a drink.

And I wanna see you all at the
sexual harassment seminar on Monday.

Especially you, Janice.

Dismissed.

Whoa, whoa, Perrin. What are you
on, some kinda doughnut cleanse?

No. I'm just...

Calm down, I'm not callin'
you fat, I'm just suggesting

you slow it down a bit,
'cause if you choke,

HR has forbidden me from
administering the Heimlich.

I still think shirts
off is more effective.

Right, um... actually,
I wanted to talk to you

about announcing the new junior partner?

Those of us in the running
have been jumping through hoops

for months, and I think
we deserve to know.

Wow, feisty pants, you
wanna re-aim that angry g*n?

Huh?

But you do have a point.

- Thank you.
- So here's what we're gonna do.

I'm gonna have everyone
stay late tomorrow,

so you can present the closing
arguments to the McDougal case,

and if we're suitably impressed,

well, I think we'll be
able to make a decision.

Uh, wow! Uh, tomorrow,
as in the day after today?

I'm sorry, you said the MacDonald case?

Oh... Oh, so prepared, I mean, I
could do it right now, if you wanted.

But let's not, because you look busy.

So, uh, tomorrow's
fine. Or... next week?

Whichever.

Hi! Tucker Dobbs.

Probably takin' home
an award tomorrow night.

Hey... Hey, Frank Bostwick, right?

Did I just hear you were in the market

for a hot young producer,
perfect, I'll call Monday!

Tucker Dobbs? I've heard some
very impressive things about you.

Really? Impressive enough to hire me?

I'm not desperate, I'm just asking.

Well, all I can say is,
your mother is hysterical.

My what?

Hello, son.

What the hell are you doing here?

I told you, you are not my plus one,
y... you're not even my minus one.

Ben felt bad about your
mother not loving you enough

to show up, so here I am.

Not loving you enough,
but... showing up.

Okay. Right, right. Well, I suggest

you finish filling up on shrimp
and get the hell outta here.

Seriously, I can see them in your purse.

Is that any way to treat
the woman who just talked up

her talented, driven, bi-racial son,

and got him three job interviews?

Hey, you look important,
have you met my mom?

Oh, hey...

Dr. Dobbs! I'm so
happy you could make it.

Tucker is gonna be so surprised.

So, I bet you're pretty
proud of your son.

Oh, of course I am.

Makutawatah will be a
brilliant doctor one day.

And to think, he only cost me $
a month and a couple of stamps.

I meant Tucker.

Oh, Tucker could never be a doctor.

Well, we certainly pulled that off,

didn't we... son?

Well, the awards are tomorrow night,

so be sure to pull
it off again... "Mom"!

- You're grounded!
- Not again, Ma!

You know, I'm kinda sorry
your mom didn't come.

I'd like to meet her someday.

You slept with my dad and
were named in their divorce.

And that's why I said, "kinda sorry."

Okay.

Thanks for coming, that was
super fun, I'm really tired, bye!

Why do so many of my dates end this way?

Mmm.

Mom! Wha... What a surprise!

Oh, my God!

Oh... okay, I'd like to be done now.

Okay. Um... what are you doing here?

Guilty!

Well, after we spoke, Benjamin called

and explained to me

how important this
award thing is to you.

You didn't get that
from my call when I said

how important this award thing is to me?

Well, you think everything is important.

Lord knows I've left the operating room

for a couple of backyard plays that
turned out to be not as critical

as my patients.

Ben, can I talk to you for a minute?

Mom, just, uh... m...
make yourself comfortable.

Oh, I haven't been
comfortable in years.

Hey, aren't you ?

Hey, man, no need to get all mushy.

A simple "thank you" is fine.

You're right, this
really calls for a hug.

Get off of me!

Why would you send your
mom to be my pretend mom,

while you call my mom to
come and be my real mom?

Wait! Did my mom show
up at the cocktail party?

That was not the plan!

Well, let's just hope
she didn't talk to anyone.

She talked to everyone!

The whole world thinks she's my mom.

I have six interviews and
a bachelor party to go to.

But your mom's gonna be crushed
if she doesn't get to go now.

Yeah. That's kinda why I'm so pissed!

Oh... yeah, I was wondering.

Look, man, I know you don't have
the best relationship with your mom,

and I envy you for that. But
this could be the fresh start.

What am I supposed to do?

I don't think you have a choice.

You have to uninvite her.

Me? Wh-Why do I have to
do it? This is your fault.

Is it?

Yeah.

Are you sure?

Uh-huh.

I don't know...

And so, ladies and
gentlemen of the jury...

Um... to ignore the facts
is to, um... is to...

Poor thing, she's exhausted. She
didn't sleep at all last night.

She's goin' down!

Think I should wake her up?

If you wake her up,
I'll put you to sleep.

This is really important for her.

Yeah, well, so was going to
that awards show with Tucker.

But you don't see me
plotting my revenge.

You don't, do you?

'Cause I want it to
seem like an accident.

It's McDougal, not
MacDonald, stupid, stupid.

She's so beautiful when she sleeps.

Is it wrong that all I wanna do is draw

a mustache on her and post it online?

Mom!

- Okay, maybe just one picture.
- Okay!

So, what'd you think of Uncle
Tucker's Mother's Day special?

- Eh.
- Took the "eh" right outta my mouth.

Finally, a suit named for
the guy who's wearin' it.

The "tux"!

What do you think, Emma?

Handsome.

And I agree! I should be
takin' you to the awards

instead of your grandma.

Emma's grandma? My mom?

You're taking my mom?
Don't you mean your mom?

No, your mom, like we planned.

No! I uninvited my mom so
you could take your mom.

Like we planned!

No! I uninvited my mom so
that I could take your mom...

like we planned!

- I didn't plan that!
- That's pretty obvious now!

- Should I stay out of it?
- Yes.

- Will I stay out of it?
- No.

Oh, you know me so well.

You know, Tucker, the way your
mother's been singing your praises,

you might just have
to pay her percent.

- Never happening, no.
- Oh, we'll see.

I need a drink.

So... you look like you
have an expense account.

How liberal can you get with that thing?

A vodka tonic, hold the tonic.

Just like your father used to
drink before he would get Frisky.

Mom?

Why he had to have a drink
before he brought the cat in,

I'll never know.

I can't believe you
brought my mother here.

Well, I'm sorry. How
was I supposed to know

you were gonna reinvite my mom?

The same way I was supposed to know
you would stay out of my business.

Well, a better friend would
know I have no self-control.

What do we do now?

Oh... Oh, I'll tell you
what you're gonna do.

You're gonna go keep my mom occupied.

Dude, she's an attractive
woman, but I d...

By talking to her!

Ohh, yeah, okay, I can do that, too.

Look, I told her that because
her visit was a "surprise,"

there wasn't enough time to
get her a ticket at my table.

So, the two of you, you're just
gonna sit in the back together,

and then I'll slip out with her
afterwards and take her to dinner.

I like it, I like it, but
do you have another plan

where I'm not stuck with
the my mom at the end?

Oh, no. Incoming mom! Incoming mom!

- Mine or yours?
- Both! Go! Go!

All right, are we all ready to do this?

I want everyone to give Ms. Perrin
here their undivided attention.

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before

you sits not just an innocent man,

but a man willfully and wrongly accused.

We have shown... uh...
uh... ho... Is that tuna?

Wow. Way to lose focus.

Sorry. We have shown that the
defendant could not have possibly...

Are... Are you gonna eat that right now?

Uh, Perrin, if you're gonna be working

the sandwich into your argument...

bad idea.

Again, sorry.

Uh... we have shown that the defendant

could not have possibly
committed the crime...

crimes of which he has been accused,

because, well... huh, because
he just simply wasn't there.

- Ms. Perrin? You okay?
- No, no, I'm fine, I'm fine, thank you.

And... seeing as he
wasn't there, he, uh...

Oh my... Oh, my God!

I think you have a call.

This is just like the awards
ceremonies for doctors, except,

we don't give awards, we just...
save lives and don't brag about it.

Dr. Dobbs, I know this
is none of my business,

but can I be honest with you?

Which implies you've been dishonest
with me up until this point,

but sure, go ahead.

Bottom line, I don't think Tucker
thinks he's important to you.

Well, that's ridiculous. I
heavily imply it constantly.

You know what? I don't think
you're a very good mother.

You're uncaring, you're cold, and
you make Tucker feel like crap.

Is it so hard to show your son
that you're proud of what he does?

Even my mom shows me that she
loves me, and she hates me.

I don't care how deep you
have to dig to find an ounce

of unconditional love and
support, but you better do it.

Because he deserves it.

How long have you two been dating?

Hey, hey... how'd it
go? Did you k*ll it?

Oh, I k*lled it. Yeah,
uh, I k*lled my career.

You know what? And it's my fault, for

thinking that I could have it all,

that I could be a mom,
and this hotshot lawyer,

when the truth is, I
can't even go five minutes

without barfing in somebody's handbag.

You puked in a purse?

Yes. I did.

And it was a really nice purse.

Look, they'll never give
me junior partner now.

I can't believe I
thought I could do this.

You can do this.

You can do anything
because you're Riley Perrin.

You're gonna be the mother to my child,

and if you want something...
you're gonna get it!

Danny, Danny!

Hey. I'm Danny Wheeler, Riley's fiancé.

I never touched her, don't hurt my face.

What? No. No, I just
want you all to know

that you're making a terrible mistake.

So what if she's pregnant?

Yeah... that's right.

She's not fat. She's got
a kid shoved up in there!

My hero.

But you should all be
ashamed of yourselves.

She's managed to outwork all of you,

- , round the clock, learning
this case inside and out,

just to prove what I've always known...

that she can do anything
she sets her mind to.

And that's exactly the kind of
lawyer you should make partner.

Surprise.

Uhh... What... What is going on?

Oh, my God, I did it. I got you the job!

We decided on you last week. I set up

this whole closing arguments thing

just to get you down here so
that we could surprise you.

Puking into Sandy's
handbag was just a bonus.

But, for the record, you being
pregnant was never an issue.

Is that how HR told me to say it?

So you knew?

- How?
- Well, you stopped drinkin' coffee,

and you switched to water at happy hour,

and, well, your office
smells like vomit.

And the winner for Outstanding
Daytime Special goes to...

A Very Hart-Felt Mother's Day.

Oh, my God, I did it, I won!

- What are you doing?
- I'm going with you.

Wait! Where are you going?

You just told me I need to
show him I'm proud of him.

I didn't mean now!

No, don't... No, ow! Ohh!

Okay, fine. But not a word out of you!

Wow, to say this is a
surprise is an under...

Tucker, darling, I'm so happy for you.

Who's this woman?

I'm his mother.

- Who are you?
- I'm his mother.

That's right. Tucker Dobbs
has... has two mommies.

Two white mommies.

Tonight was a journey long in the...

Where the hell have
you been all this time?

Um, saving lives?

Why is this woman
pretending to be your mother?

Can we please do this later?

- As I was saying...
- And why are you even here?

Did they run out of ice?

I... I don't know who you
are, but it would be terrific

if you would just shut up.

Hey hey hey, how about you both shut up?

I just wanna dedicate this to...

So what you're saying is
I'm not good enough for him?

Well, from what I hear, you're not
good enough for a lot of people.

Oh, 'kay, well, I'm here
now, so you can leave.

No, you can leave.

Oh, I wish I could leave.

Tucker, I need to talk to you.

Seriously, can we do this later?

I never really wanted kids.

And we're doing this now.

I just want you to know that
I really do love you, Tucker.

And I'm sorry if I have
a hard time showing it.

I love you, too, Mom.

Oh...

Powerful stuff, huh?

And I just wanted to
say that I really...

Not now, Mrs. Wheeler.

Wheeler? Bonnie Wheeler?

You're the woman who
slept with my husband?

No, no, you are thinking of
a different Bonnie Wheeler,

You know what? I'm gonna go get her.

- 'Kay?
- Get back here.

Mom! This way, through the kitchen!

You know, just once,
I'd like to not have

to run out of someplace fancy with you.

Wait! No, I...

Wow. I just... uh...

- Come on, man.
- The music's on.

Hey, maybe the most awkward
acceptance speech ever

but you're back in the TV biz.

Yeah, only if I get a job selling them.

Every one of those
interviews got canceled.

I'm sorry, man.

But your mom did show up.

Yeah. Hey, she told me what you said.

Thank you, Ben.

You know, sometimes I wish
I was a part of your family.

Your mom might be crazy,

but... she really had my back today.

Hey, don't tell Tucker,

but I tried to open a bottle of wine

with his award.

Those wing things snapped right off.

Welcome to the family.