Kane is in the building, n*gga...
Now tell me how you love it
You know you at the top
When only heaven's right above it,
we on
'Cause we on
Who else is really trying to f*ck
with Hollywood Cole?
I'm with Marley G, bro
Flying Holly Grove chicks
to my Hollywood shows
And I wanna tell you something
that you probably should know
This that
Slumdog Millionaire Bollywood flow
And...
My real friends never hearing from me
Fake friends write the wrong
answers on the mirror for me
That's why I pick and choose
I don't get sh*t confused
Don't like my women single
I like my chicks in twos
And these days
all the girls is down to roll
I hit the strip club
and all them b*tches find the pole
Plus, I been sippin'
So this sh*t is movin' kinda slow
Just tell my girl to tell her friend
that it's time to go
- Keep her close, Roberto.
- Sure.
I give it five stars, Tony.
Five stars.
Hey. Come here. How are you doing?
Oh, he may be fashionably late,
but our intrepid leader
does not arrive empty-handed.
Are you about to hand us
cash or something?
Even better. You cannot sip hundies,
so I've been saving these bad boys
for a very special occasion.
Ooh!
Any of you m*therf*ckers
that don't drink wine,
f*ck you, you start tonight.
Yay.
"Go west, young man. Go west."
Why?
What the f*ck do you mean, why?
- It's a super-famous quote.
- By who?
I don't... Your f*cking mother.
- I have no idea.
- Oh!
I don't know. f*cking...
All right, forget it. You go.
- All right, all right.
- Let's help him out, baby! Here we go!
I can't drop a quote.
I'm not that smart.
You're f*cking Mensa
compared to this table.
Let me drop a little knowledge.
With success and self-improvement
comes obligation.
- Fact.
- And now we know that our brothers,
starting with Mr. Charles Greane,
- the Big Man himself...
- Yeah! Last one!
I'm proud of you, brother!
And our other brother,
Tricky Ricky Jerret...
...on their long, glorious journey
to the other coast, Californ-I-A.
We're just relocating.
We're not dying, brother.
So much pressure on me,
I feel like I'm dying.
Safe passage, our brothers.
These brothers are flying
on private jets,
not traveling on wagon trains.
Shut the f*ck up!
I'm trying to deliver
my g*dd*mn toast.
We love you. We will miss you.
And we will hold it down
until you return.
- Cheers.
- I'll drink to that.
May you always have a clean shirt,
a clear conscience,
and enough coins in your pocket
to buy yourself a pint.
Irish.
Sit your drunk ass down.
I'll drink to that, too.
Spencer, walking me to my car?
Can't believe it, man.
- Don't expect a kiss good night.
- Ah.
sh*t.
You might change your mind about that.
Look at you.
I see all that neglect last year
didn't go in vain.
When I tell you I got you, I got you.
I knew that then. I just wanted
some concrete evidence, brother.
- Like an episode of Dateline?
- Right.
Word on the street is, though,
you're looking for funds to expand.
Yes, we're looking to expand.
So am I, baby.
Count me in.
You sure about that?
Come on, man. Hell, yeah.
And they got
another five coming after that.
Well, I'm feeling the pressure.
Come on.
And you know you want to follow us
to LA.
You know you do.
Ah, no, me and SoCal don't mix.
Why? What's the problem?
It's a long story for another time.
Come on. Get home.
- You know I love you.
- Love you too.
It's a little f*cking early.
And a happy good morning
to you too, Spencer.
- Who is this?
- It's Candace Brewer.
Candy. What do I owe the honor
of hearing your voice?
I would have assumed
you were a morning guy, Spencer.
Picture you at the gym
at 4:00 a.m. doing curls.
I am a morning guy,
but today's my cheat day.
Mmm.
Plus, I'm feeling
a little under the weather.
Well, I have some info
that should boost your immune system.
I'm always open to good news.
You're on the ballot.
Well, contrary to public opinion,
I'm not ready to throw my hat
in the ring yet.
I'm not talking about public service.
Although, with the new brand
of politics taking hold,
you'll fit right in.
You know, I don't quite know if that's
a compliment or not.
I'm talking
about the Hall of Fame, Spencer.
And I wouldn't tease you
about something this momentous.
Wow! Well, I'm...
I'm actually speechless.
Well, I'm not.
Congratulations. It's well-earned.
Candy, thank you so much.
Really appreciate the call.
You're 10 hours early.
Calais' meeting isn't till 6:00.
Come on. Get ready.
Got things to do, other people to see.
Like what? Calais is the only reason
I agreed to come out here.
- What are you doing?
- I don't know.
I heard you talking to somebody
through the door.
I thought maybe you pulled something
out of the hotel bar last night.
No, I was talking to Candace Brewer.
The days of me pulling anything
out of hotel bars are long gone.
Yeah, me too. Gross.
Candy Brewer, huh?
sh*t. We're in trouble again, right?
I don't care. She can't hurt me.
Old trouble? New trouble?
No, no, no, we're fine.
I'm just on the ballot
for the, um, Hall of Fame.
You m*therf*cker.
- Congrats, man.
- Yeah.
God, I just got chills.
It's like I'm on the ballot, too.
Holy sh*t. You deserve it.
Now, come on. Shower it up. Let's go.
All right, let's do it.
Do we have to sit in bullshit traffic?
- What are we doing?
- We're going shopping.
Where are we going? Rodeo?
No, Lance Klians.
He's an old Burn buddy of mine.
Ran into him last night.
He needs to sell his company.
So you're taking advantage
of somebody else's misery.
Come on, man. I'm feeling good today.
Don't start the day
with a lecture on karma.
What does Lance do?
He's the king of action sports,
my friend.
- Hi.
- Hi, sir. I'm Andrew,
your executive assistant.
- You got something stuck in your eye?
- No, sir. It's a twitch.
It goes away after I get to know
my boss for a few months.
- I've had a couple.
- Oh! Okay, cool.
- Well, you just call me Charles.
- Thanks, Charles.
First order of business,
where do you want your desk and sofa?
Ah! Okay, so I'm thinking
we push the desk
up against the window.
We move the couch
over against the wall,
with the coffee table and armchairs
facing in.
Ooh-wee! You're going good now.
Something wrong?
It's just not very fengshui, your way.
Besides, I thought you'd want it
a little bit different than Les.
He had it arranged that way?
Why didn't you speak up and say so?
Sorry to interrupt.
- Mr. Thompson. How are you doing?
- I'm good.
So what are you planning
with the 300 or so people
- who work for you now?
- Three hundred. Wow.
I didn't realize there
were so many people.
Oh, yeah. You have everyone
from administration, communications,
community affairs and engagement,
consumer sales and marketing,
data analytics...
Andrew. I got it. Everyone.
Is this overwhelming for you?
'Cause you seem
like you're a little overwhelmed.
- No. No, sir.
- Good, because, basically,
everyone that works in this building
and in this organization in general,
they work for you now, Charles.
- Except you, sir.
- Yeah.
In my experience,
it's best not to keep people in limbo.
You know,
just cut the dead weight fast.
Maybe they'll find another job.
Yeah?
Call me if you need me.
Whoever says they miss sleeping
in their own beds when they're away,
never slept
in a f*cking five-star hotel.
Don't you love being
on the road together?
Huh?
Me and you? Where are we going next?
Someplace romantic like the Maldives?
Take that if the answer's yes!
- Yes.
- Hey, buddy.
Brother. How's the Left Coast?
It's pissing rain out here.
The last time I was in LA,
someone slipped me
a Mickey at the ESPYs.
I'm not even gonna tell you
whose bed I woke up in,
but they looked
a hell of a lot like Bill Cosby.
Sure as hell ain't nothing like
good old Miami,
where at least the people tell you
they're gonna take advantage of you
before they even do it.
Yeah, well,
while you're out there suffering,
I need you to do something for me.
All right. What have you got?
There's this kid
I need you to check out.
He's the top quarterback
in the country.
Yeah, the kid out of Stanford, right?
Arm like a cannon?
No, no, no. Not college. High school.
sh*t.
His mom's an old friend of the family.
They just need some guidance.
That's all. Nothing shady.
I don't like
the optics of this one bit.
When has that ever stopped you before?
All right? It's not about you.
Everybody with a bag of cash
is talking to this kid.
Just do it for me, and give them
a call while you're out there.
- Can you?
- Only for you.
Oh, you're the best.
Thank you, brother.
I miss you.
What's this?
Got us something special so we could
roll in style while we were here.
Wow.
Hey, am I crazy,
or are their palm trees
greener than ours?
No, they're just thirstier.
g*dd*mn.
This is a Real Housewives
of Orange County crib.
- Hell, yeah.
- Jeez!
Hi. Nice to see you both again.
I think that I am starting to get
a feel for what you guys like.
Oh! I like her.
Oh, baby, you so sweet. Isn't he?
Oh, he sure is. Maybe, one day soon,
I'll find a man just like him.
Bitch, just open the door already.
You know I'm just
f*cking with you, Nancy.
- Is she?
- Don't get me involved.
So is it really true
that you're retired?
We haven't decided that yet.
But like I said before,
and I'll say it again,
I am retired, officially,
but the real blessing is,
I get to spend time with my daughter
and her beautiful mother.
We might go meet with the Chargers.
No, we ain't meeting
with the Chargers.
Shut the f*ck up, T.
Well, I really liked
watching you play.
Seriously, you need to stop that
before you get us all k*lled.
Amber don't f*ck around.
It has his-and-her bathrooms
and his-and-her closets.
Oak and cedar.
Hermes orange in the men's,
Chanel pink in the women's.
- Well, whatever you want to do, baby.
- Mmm.
Like they say,
"Happy baby mama, happy life," right?
It's "Happy wife, happy life," baby.
- Oh, is it? Semantics.
- Yes.
Okay, you know what?
Maybe you should show me
where the kitchen is
since I'm gonna be the one
doing most of the cooking.
- Okay.
- It's like a 24 hour-a-day job.
Baby Serene can wake up at any time,
and I gotta fry up some sh*t,
you know?
Okay.
Let's take it to the window.
- Oh, you're so crazy.
- Yeah.
Only way I can tell
if I like the house.
- Come here.
- Let's give it our blessing.
On, off.
On, off.
So what'd you say this was?
A Viking or a Wolf?
Fifty mil for a concrete box
with an "X" on it.
Somehow, I was expecting
just a little bit more.
Well, maybe they like to keep
a lot hidden beneath the surface.
Sort of like you, pal.
Oh, my God.
Whoa! Wow.
- Here you are.
- Yeah?
- Jaguar '67. An English classic.
- Yeah.
Like riding in the Queen's vag*na.
Rough ride,
but worth it for the prestige.
- I'm Lance Klians.
- Oh, it's good to see you.
- Congratulations on the HOF.
- I had to tell Lance. Sorry.
Ah, that's okay. Just on the ballot.
We'll see what happens.
Oh, modesty's your superpower,
not mine.
Lance, Joe told me a lot about you
in a short time.
Said you guys really tore up the playa
at the Burn on many occasions.
Yeah, nothing quite like Joe here
running around
in a pair of steampunk goggles
and a banana hammock.
Christ. Sorry I missed it.
I'm sorry I saw it.
Yeah. I have no regrets.
Welcome to our humble abode,
seven years in the making.
We specialize in extreme sports.
We got 250 employees,
all with impeccable taste,
as you can see.
Athletes, branding,
distribution, Motocross, BMX.
If you can ride it,
I can sell you on it.
Yeah, you remember
that Robbie Maddison video Pipe Dream
that I sent you last year?
They did that.
Yeah, I did that, with DC Shoes.
Ah, I remember that one.
It looked expensive.
Do you know? It was expensive.
And it was all on DC's dime.
- No, I'm good.
- Hmm.
But to put it into perspective,
I don't imagine it cost a lot more
than that exquisite pocket square
you're sporting.
Yes, Spencer also has
impeccable taste, as do I.
How do you feel about surfing?
Look at him. Do you think
he floats easily?
Ah. My ancestors invented the sport.
Well, Spencer, you're in luck
because the Huntington Surf Classic
is next weekend.
That seems like hella fun.
The p*ssy is spectacular.
The whole beach is strewn with p*ssy.
- That is, if you like p*ssy.
- I do.
This is Annie.
She's the head of our branding.
- Hi.
- Hello.
And this bright young thing is Jesse.
She's one of our great
up-and-coming stars here at Sports X.
- What up, dudes?
- What up?
Hey. All right.
Well, I see Lance is keeping
the human resource department, uh,
extremely busy these days.
Spencer's very socially responsible.
We don't mind.
It's just Lance's lingo.
That's right. Just my cunnilingo.
Listen, do you need to know
about our daycare policy,
our drug-action schemes?
I'm assuming the dr*gs
are pretty prevalent in this culture.
Do you know what? We're more corporate
than you might think, Spencer.
I myself am five years sober.
- Just last week, actually.
- Wow.
Congratulations. And Burning Man?
- Come on...
- Burning Man.
One-week hiatus, but other than that,
I'm clean.
- Doesn't count.
- Ask anybody you want.
Let me introduce you to the team.
Okay, f*ck off, you lot.
The grownups are here.
We've got to talk about business.
Come on.
On your way, get out there
and do what you do best.
No one likes a good-looking
homeless person. Go on. f*ck off.
Well, Lance,
I gotta give it to you, man.
This is all very impressive,
and I like the vibe
that you've created here.
That's really kind of you to say.
And also it's really beautiful
that you came over here,
knight-in-shining-armor action,
because this situation
is properly f*cked up.
My financiers come to me,
and they say, "We're buying you out."
I say, "f*ck that.
I'm buying you out."
Problem is, I don't exactly have
$50 million just lying around,
you know?
- Yeah.
- $50 million is a lot of coin,
you know, for a shop
that represents pro athletes,
regardless of how hyped they are.
Well, they got a surf channel too.
Tell him about the surf channel.
- I mean, they're totally vertical.
- Joe is telling you the truth.
1113.
Wow.
Maybe it could be
a little easier to get to.
It's no different
from typing in "206" for ESPN.
- We're in 20 million homes.
- How about events?
- Do you own any of those?
- No, but we would like to.
Yeah, listen,
Sports X could be a global Goliath.
Do you really think our corporate
cultures would be a good fit?
I can get along with anybody,
but you're never gonna understand
Sports X in the board room.
Sports X don't happen here.
Sports X happens out on the beach.
Let's get out there,
feel the sand between your toes,
the wind blowing through your scalps,
- see what it's really about.
- All right. I like it.
Baby, as much as I love house-hunting
with you,
I'm getting tired.
I'll bet you are.
How do you think I feel?
I'm like a bird without a nest, baby.
- Me too.
- Shut up, TTD,
before we send your ass
back to South Beach.
We can't get no privacy
in my mama's house
when we're having sex.
True.
Uh, baby, you don't have to talk
about your sexual habits
in front of your baby.
Why not, Mama?
She knows where she came from.
- Don't you, Serene?
- Let me cover Baby Serene's ears
so she don't have to hear this sh*t.
Ain't that right?
- Why you keep hitting me?
- Shut the f*ck up, TTD.
Baby. Your language
in front of Serene?
You can take your frustrations
out on me if you want to,
but you know what I think?
I think you should rent, just in case
you want to go back and play.
You don't want to be stuck
with some $15 million mansion
you ain't living in.
- He ain't going back, TTD.
- Right.
I sat out all season,
didn't miss it at all.
- You telling the truth?
- Yeah.
Good, 'cause you know the rules.
Baby goes where Mommy goes,
and Mommy goes where Daddy goes.
It's what we call a family.
I don't need to be stuck in some
$15 million Newport Beach mansion,
and you gone half the year in Texas.
'Cause that would suck for you.
Ain't gonna happen, baby. All right?
- Who's that?
- Oh, it's Spencer.
Probably about some investments
we're looking into. You know.
So this surf thing
is a pretty big deal, huh, Lance?
WSL don't f*ck about.
The Offspring are performing.
Last year, it was Social Distortion.
- Those are recording artists.
- Yes, I know that, Joe.
I caught them on Warped Tour.
You don't strike me
as a Warped Tour type of guy.
Trust me, I'm not.
Well, we can work around that.
The important thing to understand is,
this is not finance.
This ain't football.
This is more than that.
This is lifestyle.
Ah. You know,
I like our lifestyle in Miami,
where we have
200 people counting on us.
So what's a couple hundred more,
really, for limitless opportunity?
All right, tell me
about your current roster.
Pure fire. Tell him, Freelance.
Kelly Slater, Laird Hamilton,
Tony Hawk, Robbie Maddison,
Nyjah Huston, Zion Wright,
Travis Pastrana.
But, best of all,
the jewel in the Sports X crown.
Behold, Parker Jones.
Boom.
That's him right there, ripping.
He's favored to win the Classic.
- He's black.
- No, he's not black.
He's green.
This boy is money wrapped in skin.
So you think he's gonna be
the Jackie Robinson of surfing, huh?
That he's gonna be the one
to break the color barrier?
More than that. This kid
could be like a black Michael Jackson
with an uncomplicated erotic life.
I don't even know
what the f*ck that means,
but I like your forward thinking.
But this is not our business.
Okay, listen, I'm gonna leave you guys
to your couple's counseling session.
I'm gonna consult with the
Great Consigliere in the sky. Mwah!
All right. We'll be here.
- Got to love that guy, right?
- This is not us.
It's not what we do.
This isn't who we are.
Come on, Joe.
I got f*cking sand in my shoes.
We're anybody we want to be.
That's what you
always say to me, right?
Were we financial managers?
Were we real estate developers?
Were we shoulders for 6'5",
300-pound Super Bowl losers to cry on?
No, we were none of those things,
but, yeah, we did it all, right?
You're ready to bet $50 million
on your boy Lance?
Yeah. Yeah.
I think so. I mean, you know,
with our help...
You think so, or you know?
You don't even sound sure, Joe.
Hey, hey, hey.
I'm ready.
How long would I have to be out here?
Oh, Jesus Christ, man, what is
your negative vibe with this place?
Are you delinquent on child support?
Are you ducking
a paternity suit with a Laker Girl?
- It's complicated, Joe.
- I didn't ask
for your f*cking Facebook status.
I'm just asking for you to get with me
on this opportunity.
Text your boy. Tell him we'll be back.
I want to show you something.
Okay.
I don't know
if he's got his phone on him,
but, you know, he'll get it.
What's up, y'all?
Charles. How you doing?
- Little chilly in here.
- I could have them turn off the AC.
I'm talking
about the reception, Andrew.
- I do feel the ice grill.
- Yeah.
I guess everyone's pretty upset
that Les is gone, huh?
No, they've just gotten
attached to their jobs,
and they know, with you here,
those days might be numbered.
Excuse me, everybody.
How y'all doing?
My name is Charles Greane,
the new GM of the Rams,
as I'm sure most of you already know.
Now, I don't want to be called "sir,"
or "Mr. Greane,"
or "Mr. General Manager."
"Charles" is fine.
All right, well,
I just want to let you all know
that I respect you all,
and I'm here for you during
this difficult period of transition.
So if have any questions...
Why did they cancel
the chocolate chip cookies?
We don't blitz enough!
That is a statement,
not a question, ma'am.
They call the chocolate chip cookie
cancellation "Cookiegate."
I did not know that. Thank you.
- What is it that you do here, sir?
- Merchandising.
Licensing and merchandising.
One of my favorite, uh, departments.
I sell T-shirts at a concession stand.
Still a big contribution.
Your job is safe.
Just make sure you stay stocked up
with triple-XL for all the big,
cuddly guys, all right?
What about my job?
Our jobs?
- That's a little bit more complicated.
- Bullshit.
Look, we're all here
for one another, okay?
We can set the tone.
You guys are the backbone
of this great organization.
You are the Rams!
Are our jobs safe? Yes or no?
Uh...
Yeah.
Hell, yeah, everybody's job is safe.
How about that?
All right? And I'm bringing back
the damn chocolate chip cookies.
Go Rams. Yeah.
Bullshit.
So what is this?
You take me out here to whack me?
No, relax.
I'm not gonna k*ll you, buddy,
even though I thought about it
a ton of times.
Yeah, well, join the club.
I thought about k*lling myself
a bunch of times,
but too much of a p*ssy.
Well, I'm glad you didn't do that.
I wouldn't want to lose you, too.
My brother jumped off this bridge.
Are you f*cking with me?
No, do I look like
I'm f*cking with you?
William Strasmore.
Took a clean f*cking jump
and k*lled himself.
Jesus.
Yeah, I was in my junior year
at the U.
He was a star QB here for the Trojans.
Oh, yeah, that rings a bell.
Strasmore.
sh*t. Well, what went wrong?
Just nothing went right.
Didn't start out like that, though.
Yeah. I'm sorry, man.
- I had no idea.
- No, it's okay.
Not many people do.
He was my big brother, the original.
He did everything I did,
only much better.
f*ck, I haven't been out here
since I buried him.
That's pretty heavy sh*t, man.
Even for me, and I learned
how to cremate my wife
on a do-it-yourself website.
Yeah, LA can be a dark place, brother,
but, for me,
it's something much worse.
It has an indoor grill
and an outdoor grill.
Why you say that
like it's some sort of necessity?
You think, because we black,
we gonna die
if we don't have multiple barbecues?
Don't listen to him.
He's just f*cking with you.
Shut the f*ck up, TTD.
It's Spence again.
Well, maybe you should pick it up.
Yeah, you're right. It's probably
about that money. Excuse me.
What up, J?
Hey! How's my long-lost client?
sh*t, you got that "lost" part right.
Tell me something good, dawg.
I did what you asked.
I made some calls.
Good news. We may have a team.
Okay, who?
Cleveland.
Are you f*cking serious?
Well, that's worse than being here,
stuck at home with Amber.
Yeah, I thought that
you might say that, but, listen,
now that people know that
we're open for business
and that you are ready to play,
more offers are gonna come.
J, I ain't built for this, man.
You gotta save me.
All right? You're the one.
Well, you and Jesus.
Listen, Ricky, try putting out
some good,
positive energy into the universe,
and you will get good sh*t back.
Trust me.
sh*t, I love this place.
What they asking?
15 mil.
f*ck it!
Let's put down some roots.
Not to sound arrogant,
but I like a lot of different guys.
I take a little bit from a lot
of different players,
but at the end of the day, I just feel
like I'm different, you know?
I have my own game, my own style...
Is that the kid Jason
was calling you about?
Yeah, yeah.
- Impressive.
- Yeah.
Camera-ready, too.
I'm not really looking at the kid.
I'm looking at his mom.
- That's his f*cking mom?
- Yeah.
All right, I stand corrected.
You should take that meeting.
- Hey, we didn't see you there.
- No worries.
I know I'm easy to miss.
Yes, you are. Let's have a seat.
You follow high school football?
I watch everything and everybody.
Figure I'll be seeing the kid
in about three years.
That's how you become
Defensive Player of the Year.
Exactly. It's all in the prep.
Sort of like life, right?
Yeah, but investing?
That scares the sh*t out of me.
It's all right. That's why we're here,
and we're gonna help you.
Yeah. We pride ourselves
on making the right choices.
We're gonna create
an investment strategy
designed just for you.
Do you have any questions for us?
Jason told me
y'all were the best in the business.
So, if he trusts you, I trust you.
Plus, you guys flew here to see me,
so I'm in.
- All right.
- Let's do it.
- What do I owe?
- For the water?
We got you.
- How about that?
- Appreciate it.
- Now make me some money.
- We will make that money for you.
Well, sh*t, man.
That was easier
than I thought it was gonna be.
Because our reputation precedes us,
and deals like this
are just gonna get easier and easier.
While others get harder and harder.
You licking your wounds already?
Is that what I'm...
I'm not, honestly. I wasn't even
thinking about my wounds.
- I was thinking about yours.
- No. Don't think about my wounds.
- They're way too deep.
- Right.
That's why the only thing
I want to do right now
is get you back to Miami in one piece.
We're not going back to Miami.
Wow.
Spence.
I so appreciate you indulging me.
I really do.
But it's not necessary.
I don't need to put
my pursuit of success
over your mental well-being.
This is not a healthy place for you.
- No, it's not.
- No, it's not. Understood.
So I'll call Lance
and tell him we're out.
Joe, this place
may be a bad idea for me,
but it's a hell of a good one for you.
Plus, it'll force me
to take care of my sh*t.
And that's been
a long time coming, my friend.
So we're gonna stay here.
We're gonna make that deal.
You'd do that for me?
I would only do that for you.
I have to do this.
I want to do this. I need to do this.
- Oh! Thank you so much!
- Whoa. Easy, big guy.
Oh! You understand.
You understand. Thank you.
Thank you for suffering for me.
This is gonna be great.
04x01 - Rough Ride
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"Ballers" is a look at former and current football players, their families, friends, and handlers.
"Ballers" is a look at former and current football players, their families, friends, and handlers.