01x06 - Pete's Wife

[bunniefuu]

And just like everything else,

when it comes to nature and safety

or even plain old life lessons,

it's all in this book.

Which brings us to
today's lesson: archery!

- GIRLS: Yay!
- Now, I'm sure

we all just want to just start
flinging arrows at the targets,

but, first, we need to go over
some basic safety rules, okay?

Rule number one... and I
cannot emphasize this enough...

never notch an arrow
when someone is downra...

Is it...

uh...

is it in my neck?

Uh... this is actually
a great opportunity

to discuss what to do in
this situation, right? Becky.

Becky, you want to run

and tell the lady at the house

and see if you can use her phone?

I'm gonna...

I'm actually gonna take a nap,

uh, behind the sh-shed over there.

Let's reconvene in , okay?

Mm.

You know, , . [MUTTERS]

- [THUD]
- [GIRL SCREAMING]

♪

♪

You guys really have
nothing better to do

than just sit and watch me work?

- No. To the contrary.
- Not really.

[SIGHS DEEPLY]

- What's with him?
- You all right, Pete?

My death day is coming up.

Always makes me miss my family.

My beautiful wife Carol,
my sweet daughter Laura.

[SIGHS] You're lucky
you still have a family.

Mine's long gone, I'm sure.

What difference does it
make? I never see them.

- I don't even know what they're up to.
- Bro,

you have access to an actual Living now.

- Sam can track 'em down for you.
- That's true!

- What's your wife's name?
- Carol Martino.

Now, it's been a while,

so you may need to hire a P.I.,

track down some leads.

You're gonna want to go
to every JCPenney, IHOP,

anywhere that sells beads...

- Found her.
- Excuse me?

That's her.

How did you do that?

I mean, it's Facebook.
It's... social media.

We talked about the Internet, right?

Ooh, the thing with the cat movies?

- Mm, mm.
- Yes, that was a very fun two days

for both of us, Alberta.
But Facebook is like a...

It's a website that's
like a bulletin board

where people talk about their
lives, they share photos...

ISAAC: Wait, wait, wait, wait,
wait. Am I to understand that this

is some sort of modern-day
publishing instrument

from which anyone can
spread their message?

Well, yeah.

What a tool for disseminating truth.

What a boon to democracy.

Good morning, babe.

- Aw.
- Good morning.

Hey, last night got pretty hot, huh?

Oh, they're in here. [CHUCKLES]

Oh, of course they are.

- Who's that?
- Uh, we're looking up Pete's wife.

And his daughter, who
unfortunately is not on here, Pete.

But... [INHALES] looks like
your wife still lives nearby.

Oh, my God. Carol, if you are listening,

please visit Woodstone Mansion!

Love, Pete!

Uh, that's not how it works.

Sam, you got to invite her for him.

I mean, what would I even say?

Like, "Hi, your dead
husband lives on my property

- and wants to look at you"?
- Yeah!

- Yeah. That's pretty good.
- Yeah.

- Wait, what's happening?
- Oh, they want me to invite Pete's wife to the house.

What? You can't do that.

Meddling with the worlds
of the living and the dead.

W... we're actually doing
okay without you. Thank you.

Really? Is that bad?

- Yes. It's very, very bad.
- Not there.

- [CLEARS THROAT]
- Okay. Listen,

it's like in, um...
in-in time travel movies

where they tell you not
to interact with people

or sleep with your mom.

I mean, that's just kind
of good advice in general.

Look, I get it from
the ghosts' perspective,

'cause they ain't got nothing going on.

- No offense, guys.
- It's fine.

But do you really want to rip
open old wounds for this woman?

- Nothing good can come from this.
- I mean,

I wouldn't call seeing my
loved ones "nothing good."

- Yeah, okay, you're right. I won't do it.
- Aw.

[SIGHS] Thank you.

[SIGHS] Darn it.

- Sorry, Pete.
- Yeah.

- I'm sorry, buddy.
- Wow.

Okay, let's look up
this bottle service chick

who used to work at Marquee.

[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]

ANNOUNCER: Welcome back to
It's Getting Hot In Here!

SIENNA: I think I'm
falling for you, but...

I just wish I knew what you
looked like under the parka.

So confused. It...

Okay, again, they take sexy singles

and they put them in
a really cold house.

So everybody has to stay bundled up

and you can't see
what anyone looks like.

Okay. Why?

So that the singles
can connect emotionally.

[CRYING] And then, each week,
the thermostat gets set higher

and higher until, by the end,

everybody is naked
and, ideally, in love.

- So dumb.
- Stupid.

Listen, um, I know you
think I'm shallow...

and sometimes maybe I am... but I cannot

stop thinking about this
bottle service chick.

- Come on, Trevor.
- No, no, no, no, no.

We, we really had something special.

And if I hadn't d*ed,

she could have been the one.

Nicky Fisher. Please just look her up.

- Nicky with a "Y."
- Fine.

- Okay...
- Oh, my God, that's her.

I knew she'd keep it tight.

I knew she would.

Is that her daughter?

Oh, my God. Nicky's a total MILF.

Do you know what that
means? MILF? It's so funny.

THORFINN: Shh! Trying to watch!

[STAMMERS]

To make fun of, of
course, 'cause it's...

stupid.

Am I crazy or does she
kind of have your eyes?

When did you say you two dated?

Um... like,

right before I d*ed. , years ago?

"Graduated Penn just like my dad.

May he rest in peace."

I went to Penn.

I know.

♪

Oh, my God.

I'm a DILF.

Sam, there's something
I need to show you.

It's important.

Oh. Yeah, sure.

- You guys want me to put something else on or...
- SASAPPIS: No.

No.Uh, we just want to see

- how stupid it gets.
- [CHUCKLES]: Yes.

- Stupid.
- Stupid.

There's a book on top of
the cabinet. Can you grab it?

After my death, the
woman that owned the house

found my manual, brought it
inside and placed it up there.

It's been up there ever since.

Pete, this is incredible.
Did-did you highlight

all this stuff and
write all these notes?

I was never without this book.

Carol knows how
important this was to me.

She'll come get it if
you tell her you found it.

Pete, I don't know.

Please. Carol's almost .

I-I don't know if I'm gonna
get a chance to see her again.

[EXHALES]

Sienna, because you left McNair

out in the cold,

it's time to find out what you missed.

[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]

Oh...

[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]

[CRYING]

Not fair. Wanted them to be together.

So that's it? It's just over for them?

This is so unfair! I had no
idea his body was so good!

[CRYING]

But he loves you.

SIENNA: He's so hot.

You crying?

No.

Yeah, me neither.

Don't look at Thor!

Hi. Carol?

You don't know who I am,
but I think I have something

that belonged to your late husband.

Oh, my God!

Babe, it's way harder
when you can actually see

and hear them.

Sorry, I'm still here.

Hey, Carol. It's me! It's Pete!

Your Petey Pie! The Re-Peter!

- Can you not...
- Okay.

hear me, Carol?

Because I-I can hear you just fine.

This is bad. This is very bad.

Petey Pie!

How do I look? Is my arrow straight?

ISAAC: Pete, you must calm
down. You're a nervous wreck.

I know. I just can't believe
I'm about to see my wife

- after all these years.
- FLOWER: Hey, who knows?

Maybe she'll drop dead while
she's here and become a ghost.

Do you think that's possible?

She did suffer from
hypertension, even in her s.

- Why are you trying to get his hopes up?
- Sorry.

No, you're right, you're
right. I'm just gonna try

to enjoy the day, even
if my wife doesn't die.

- The carriage approaches.
- What?

Oh!

Carol, Carol, Carol!

I'm telling you, we should
not be doing this, okay?

We are messing with forces
way beyond our comprehension.

This is like "wrath of
God" stuff right here.

Okay, babe, you're being a bit dramatic.

JAY: You don't invite
the still-living wife

of a dead ghost to the
house. You just don't do it.

I mean, have you seen a sci-fi movie?

These things don't end well.

Don't those, like, all end well?

Not before a ton of people are k*lled

and almost sleep with their mom. Hi!

Boy, he's really hung up on that.Mm.

Oh, my God, it's happening.

My Care Bear.

What?

She brought Jerry.

Hey, Jerry Bean!

[CHUCKLES]: This is amazing.

Ha.Who's Jerry?

Oh, my old best friend.
What's he saying?

Jerry's his old best friend.

Oh, my God. Aw, that's so great.

They kept in touch.

Hello.

Jerry! [CHUCKLES] Carol! [CHUCKLES]

They can't see me.

I'm Carol. Obviously. Hello.

- Hello.
- Hey. Jay.

This is Jerry, my husband.

Did she say "husband"?

I am so glad you guys could make it.

If it means anything, I
would completely understand

if Beatrice ended up
with my best mate Edward.

I mean, who could blame her? [CHUCKLES]

Them. Them. For finding
comfort in each other's arms.

Excuse me. I just need
to take this real quick.

Hey, how are you feeling?

Oh, sorry, I'll wait till you're done.

Nope, I'm talking to you. [CHUCKLES]

Oh. That's clever.

If you're asking about Carol and Jerry,

I was a little thrown, but I'm
glad they ended up together.

They were probably both
so upset about losing me.

Makes a lot of sense.

Jay, he's happy.

A friend of ours just bought a car.

- I was against it.
- But it turned out okay.

[CHUCKLES] So far.

Glad it's working out.

You're welcome. Bye.

JERRY: I grabbed it
out of the trunk, hon.

- What's this?
- My bench.

CAROL: Oh, it's a bench
we have in our backyard.

We wanted to give it to you.

It was Pete's favorite spot
to just sit and enjoy nature.

JERRY: Yeah, we thought it might be nice

to dedicate it to Pete.

Eh, maybe have a little ceremony,

say a few words.

Classic Jer. That's so sweet.

But if it's too much, we
can just take the manual.

No, no, no, no, no, no,
no. No, that's a great idea.

Pete loves it.

I'm sure he-he would.

If I knew him.

And if he were still alive.

If you were a tree, what would you be?

- I'd be a peach tree.
- A peach tree?

Yeah. There's such
thing as a peach tree?

Trevor.

Feast your eyes on Sienna.

She is most attractive, yes?

Those child-birthing hips.

Thor, that's someone's daughter, okay?

Grow up.

SIENNA: Oh, my God. That is so cute!

- Right?
- SIENNA: Yes!

What is this?

You not recognize?

It Is Getting Hot In Here!

Very good show. You've missed a lot.

What? Where did all their clothes go?

Where are Sienna's snow pants?

Ashley I. is blonde?

She take off beanie.

It's getting pretty hot.

H... how many episodes did you watch?

Many. [LAUGHS]

But we were watching together.

Now we watch together. Sit.

But it's not the same.
I'm not caught up.

I catch you up. What
is last one you see?

Oh, you know about Zane losing
hot chocolate challenge. [CHUCKLES]

Well, I do now. Unbelievable!

So rude!

Bye, Sass!

This is our living room.

Wow. This place reminds me
of that old hotel we stayed in

for Hooper's wedding.

Oh, that was a night. [CHUCKLES]

Remember, Pete and I had
too many margaritas...

- Yes, and you drove a golf cart...
- And we drove a golf cart...

- right into the pond.
- BOTH: ... into the pond! [LAUGHING]

Pete, you had a side.

Ask about my daughter, Laura.

- So, did you and Pete have any children?
- Oh, yes.

A daughter, Laura. Oh, Pete
loved her something fierce.

- I did.
- She really wanted to be here, but, you know,

she lives in Philly. She had to work.

Mm. Four hours?

That's... that's okay.
It's a long drive. I get it.

Here she is.

SAMANTHA: Oh, she's beautiful.

- Wow.
- Aw, the braces worked.

Oh, I-I wonder if she
became an astronaut.

Huh? That was her dream.

And what does Laura do for work?

She's a food chemist.

Oh, that makes so much sense.

She loved science. And food!

Well, speaking of food, I, uh,
prepared a lovely charcuterie,

- if you guys are interested.
- I don't know what that is.

- He's offering you meat, Jer.
- [CHUCKLES]

- Lead the way.
- [SNORTS] Jerry.

"I have no idea." [LAUGHS]

[LAUGHING]: Jerry doesn't know anything.

Hey. Sam, um...

now that I'm a father
to a daughter myself,

I just want to apologize if
I've said anything objectifying

or-or inappropriate
to you since we've met.

Wow. Trevor, I really appreciate that.

Yeah. You like that, huh?

Sorry. Sorry.

I'm a work in progress.

Okay, Thor,

listen, I know things kind of got

out of hand between us with the show,

but I've decided to be the bigger man.

[LAUGHS] Ridiculous.

Thor much, much bigger.

Oh, what I'm saying is
I'm willing to move on

if you'd just give me a sincere apology.

But Thor do nothing wrong.

I have fun watching
show, so I watch show.

Yeah, but y...

you watched ahead.

Because fun watching show!

But the fun isn't just
watching the show...

it's watching the show together.

At least it was for me.

Fine. I watch episodes again.

No, you've already seen it, so
we can't be surprised together

when something big happens.

Like when Sienna kiss Doug.

Come on!

We've known each other years,

and you've never once apologized.

Norseman not apology.

Apology for children and Danes.

Whatever. Enjoy watching by yourself!

Thor will enjoy.

Temperature's up to degrees.

It is getting hot in there!

SAMANTHA: So I'm thinking,

once the B&B is open,
this will be a great space

for, like, an afternoon drink.

Mmm, I would literally
k*ll anyone in this room

for a Sazerac right now.

Oh, it's kind of
overwhelming being here.

Where...

the whole thing happened to Pete.

I know.

I bet it's really hard.

But I bet Pete would be really happy

that you and Jerry both came.

Oh...

I wouldn't be so sure.

What? What does that mean?

- What do you mean?
- It's just... [GRUNTS]

there's something weighing on me.

Something shameful.

Regarding Pete.

We don't need to involve them.

I'm sure, whatever it is, it's fine.

I want to get it off my chest.

Oh, God.

SAMANTHA: You know, I
think it might be okay

to keep some things on your chest,

- 'cause we don't really know each other.
- Yes,

but sometimes it's just easier
to say things to strangers.

- I'm with Jerry. I think that sometimes...
- Jerry and I

were having an affair
while Pete was still alive.

- Oh, good God.
- Oh, God! [GASPS]

♪

Truthfully, I think Pete knew.

Uh, I did not know.

[SIGHS] I feel better.

[EXHALES]

[BIRDS CHIRPING]

Well, here they come.

Oh, yeah, find a spot for it.

My so-called best friend
and my so-called wife!

- Mm.
- Well, I mean, she was literally his wife,

any act of indiscretion notwithstanding.

Oh, is that so, Isaac?!

I mean, grammatically, yes,

but not hugely important right now.

Pete, you're taking this too hard.

Jerry probably just
offered something sexually

that you couldn't, and
that's a good thing.

He took it off your plate.

Flower! If you weren't already dead,

I would k*ll you!

JAY: So, Jer and Carol
were having a torrid affair.

Whoa. Poor Pete.

Okay, you were right. Happy?

I meddled and I made a complete
disaster out of everything.

Sam, I was thinking...

I have been such an absentee DILF.

And seeing as you helped
Pete reach out to his family,

- maybe you help me out next.
- Please get out.

Hey, whoever my wife just
yelled "get out" to...

[STAMMERS] get out!

Okay. That's fine. But later.

Sidebar. [CHUCKLES] Sidebar!

I should've listened
to you from the start,

and now everybody's dead.

Everyone slept with their
mom. And I'm an idiot.

Look, babe,

you remember, in Jurassic Park,
when Goldblum told everyone

not to meddle and they
didn't listen to him?

- Yeah, I said I messed up.
- No,

what I'm saying is, after
the dinosaurs get out

and Newman gets eaten
by the one that spits

and Sam Jackson's arm
is like... [GROANS]

- Where is this going?
- They don't just go home.

Right? They stay and they fix it.

So what I'm asking you is, who are you?

Are you the dude who
gets eaten on the toilet

while the little girl in the
Jeep is like, "He left us!

He left us! He left us!"?

Or are you Dr. Ellie Sattler?

Do you fix things?

Hmm?

♪

Look, I know I slept with
Shane behind your back.

But the hottest thing about
this place is our friendship.

I'm sorry, Ashley I.

ASHLEY I.: Hearing you say
that means so much to me.

I forgive you, Ashley S.

ASHLEY S.: Oh. I was
so worried, Ashley I.

Huh.

[CLICKS TONGUE] Pete was one of a kind.

He was the cornerstone of the family.

- These words mean nothing.
- He was so...

- reliable.
- You know what else meant nothing?

- Our wedding vows.
- He was always there for everyone.

You could always find Pete

- whenever you needed him.
- Yeah. There I was,

a chump at every turn.

I mean, in a way, it's healthy.

- No one should be that chipper all the time.
- Mm-hmm.

I guess "You may kiss the
bride" was directed at everybody!

I would like to say a
few words, if that's okay.

Pfft! Don't bother!

Oh, of course.

I obviously didn't know
Pete like you guys did.

But I actually have gotten
to know him a little recently.

Where's she going with this?

Through his Pinecone Trooper manual.

- Ah.
- Oh...

[CHUCKLES]

Pete highlighted passages that I guess

must have been important to him.

Like this list of the seven attributes

of a model Pinecone Trooper.

A list that included things
like loyalty and friendship.

Yeah, you hear that? Loyalty. Hmm.

But Pete circled and wrote
a note next to number seven,

forgiveness.

Clever girl.

He wrote that "this is more
important than the rest.

Because though we strive for perfection,

we all fall short sometimes.

And when it happens, we don't
give up on our fellow trooper.

We forgive."

Thank you for that.

You're welcome.

[JAY WHOOPS]

♪

Can we talk?

In my culture, apologize only for

- babies and...
- Danes. Yes, we've been through this.

But today I realize
that apologize for...

friends, too.

Thorfinn is...

sorry.

I really appreciate that.

So you forgive?

I do.

All is... good?

Everything's forgotten.

Yes! Apology so easy!

Why not apologize before?

Fix everything! Cost nothing!

[CHUCKLES] Well, you have to mean it.

Thorfinn not like your hat!

- Excuse me?
- Sorry. All good.

[LAUGHING]

Oh, Pete.

[CLICKS TONGUE]

I know you can't hear me.

But I want you to know
from the bottom of my heart:

I'm sorry.

I'm so sorry.

I would never want to hurt you.

[EXHALES] I forgive you, Carol.

[HORN HONKS]

Laura!

- Laura?
- LAURA: Surprise!

You came!

Well, once I heard you were
turning this into a ceremony

for Dad, I didn't want to miss it!

All the way from Philly.

Sorry we're late.

Someone couldn't find
their special socks.

Could you, Pete?

- [AAHING]
- [CHUCKLES]

Did you hear that? [CRYING SOFTLY]

His name's Pete.

[SNIFFLES]

I'm a grandpa.

Oh! Grandpa Pete.

♪

And you thought this was
going to be a disaster.

It was a disaster until I saved it.

I saved it. [SCOFFS]

Because I told you to.

I'm Goldblum.

I'm clearly Goldblum.

If it's Jurassic Park
we're talking about,

then I'm Goldblum. You might be him

if this was Ragnarok. [CHUCKLES]

Why does he speak of Ragnarok?

Is it upon us?!

Does that mean something to Vikings?

Yeah, probably. It's
from Norse mythology.

It's a series of events that
brings out the end of the world.

Everybody run! The end is nigh!

- [FLOWER CRYING]
- Go!

Frozen giants!

- [SOBBING]
- Flower girl...

- Why do you ask?
- No reason.

Well, the final four are
now naked. Don't go anywhere.

We'll be right back with the exciting
finale of It's Getting Hot In Here!

So I take it the blurred-out parts

are some sort of
accommodation for modesty.

This is so lame. You can't see anything.

Yeah, put work in watching whole season.

Want to see sexy woman.

Sorry, Trevor. Someone's daughter.

Oh, it's all right. It turns
out I'm actually not a DILF.

Sam figured it out.

I was flying high on
the whole Pete sitch,

so I decided to help Trevor. [INHALES]

I went to message the
daughter, and I ended up looking

at more of her pics...

Turns out her dad is
just some other guy.

ISAAC: Aw, I'm sorry, Trevor.

She seemed like such
a lovely young woman.

Yeah, she was lovely, wasn't she?

A beautiful soul.

- Mm.
- TREVOR: Kind of slamming, actually.

Maybe we should still have her up.

- But she's not your daughter.
- Exactly.

She's hot and not my
daughter. She checks every box.

What a tragedy you didn't reproduce.

[CHUCKLING]: Ooh!

- ISAAC: The knives are out.
- HOST: Tensions are heating up

- and there's no cooling 'em down.
- THORFINN: Back on! Yes! Shush!