03x02 - It feels a shame to be Alive

[bunniefuu]

Vinnie.

- [BREATHING HEAVILY]
- [LAVINIA] Yeah?

[EMILY] Is Dad dead?

[LAVINIA] No.

Oh, God.

[LAVINIA] It was just
a small heart att*ck. He's fine.

[WHISPERS] Tell me again.

[LAVINIA] Tell you what?

Tell me again he's not dead.
[BREATHES HEAVILY]

He isn't dead.

He fainted and hit his head
and lost consciousness.

But we put some smelling salts
under his nose

and poured some whiskey
down his throat and he came to.

He'll probably be in bed for
a couple days, but he's fine.

He's breathing. He knows his own name.

Nobody even had to call a doctor.

Oh, God, what a horrible dinner. Geez.

You don't like my hasty pudding?

Obviously, I'm not talking
about the food, Vinnie.

I'm talking about all the awful
things that Austin said last night.

About our family, about Dad.

- What if they're true?
- What?

Look, I don't know. Okay?

I don't know what has gone wrong
in my life, but something has.

I'm not where I wanted to be.

I'm nowhere.

It's like all of my choices
have been wrong. All of them.

I... I have no happiness, Emily.
All I have is regret.

I'm so lonely, I'm doomed.

And I guess I'm just asking

if maybe some of that is Dad's fault.

Is this about Joseph Lyman?

It's about every one
of my dead ex-boyfriends...

who I should've married
when I had the chance.

And instead, I... I held out,

as if there were some great
future I was waiting for.

Well, here we are in the future,
and it's awful.

And everyone I ever loved is gone.

That's not true.

I'm still here.

And so is the rest of our family.

- And so is Dad, thank God.
- [MUTTERS] Yeah.

His life could have ended
last night, but it didn't.

We're all still here, Vin.

We still have each other.

I am not gonna let
this family fall apart.

There is too much pain
in the world already.

[SNIFFLES] You're right.

I have so much grieving to do.

I can't deal with a civil w*r
in our own house.

Whatever happened last night,
we need to put behind us. Okay?

Austin needs to apologize to Dad
and unite this family.

I'm not giving up hope.

Do you really think he will?

He said he was "seceding".

Right. Well, I am questioning
his constitutional right to do that.

Thank you for letting me
sleep here last night.

Wanna know the best part
about not getting married?

- What?
- It's getting to spend so much time...

- with me!
- [LAVINIA] Ow!

[BOTH LAUGH]

Mmm. Mmm.

[EMILY] Austin?

Mmm...

Morning, Sue.

Mmm. Hey, you.

Quite the spread you got here.

Mmm.

Where's Austin?

I haven't seen him.

You mean all of this food is for you?

I'm really gonna miss eating
for two when this is all over.

By the looks of this,
you could be having triplets.

You know, I did feel some pretty extreme
kicking in there last night.

Would make sense if there
were multiple sets of feet.

I thought you might have been
having contractions.

[STRAINING] Me too.

Turns out it was just really bad gas.

- Gross.
- Oh, Emily.

It's just nature at work.
You love nature.

- I don't feel like talking about farts.
- Want a muffin?

No. I... No.

I'm still too shaken to eat.

God, last night was so scary, Sue.

I honestly thought my dad was dead.

Like, I thought Austin k*lled him.

[SOFTLY] Yeah, well...

[GRUNTS] ... luckily,
words can't k*ll people.

Not even your words.

And you're a much better
poet than Austin.

Yeah, well, Austin needs to apologize.

That's why I'm here. I need to get
everyone back together again.

I thought you were here
to see me. [CHUCKLES]

[SIGHS, WHISPERS] Sue.

Sue, don't you understand?

My family is in complete
chaos right now.

I mean, can you believe the things
that Austin said last night? My God.

Yes.

As a matter of fact, I agree with him.

[WHISPERS] You what?

Your family has serious problems.

Problems that, unfortunately,
can't be solved.

[EMILY] What are you talking about?

I mean, just look at the
way they've treated you.

Your mother and father,
they've been awful to you.

[SCOFFS] They have no idea
how special you are.

I mean, th... And instead, they
treat you like you're the crazy one.

Look, maybe I'm just noticing this more

because I'm about to become a mother,

and once this baby's born,
I want it to know

that whoever it turns out to be,
that I love it, unconditionally.

Same way I love you.

[SOFTLY] I love you so much, Emily.

If it were up to me, we'd...

we'd run away from your family
and raise this baby together.

Can you imagine that?

We could just escape

and never see any of
these people ever again.

I think I'd miss them.

Would you?

Where is Austin?
I really need to talk to him.

I haven't seen him.
He didn't come home last night.

Are you sure you don't
want some sausage?

No. I mean, yes. I'm sure.

It's really deliciou...
[SCREAMS] Oh, my God!

- What is happening?
- Oh, my God. It's coming.

- It's not gas?
- No. Ow!

- What do I do?
- Will you get some help, please?

- Yes! I'm going! Are you okay...
- Please!

- Okay.
- Go get help!

- [EMILY] Mom!
- I'm not okay. [GROANS]

Well, I'm sorry. I didn't mean
to scare you, Mrs. Dickinson.

Oh, it's all right, Edward.
I knew you weren't dead.

Oh, you did? How?

Because a wife knows these things.

Besides, you would never
leave us so suddenly.

You would be sure to drag it out.

- [EDWARD] Mmm.
- Need a refill, Dad?

Oh, Vinnie brought the tea.
So good of you.

Yeah, well, what else is a lonely
spinster supposed to do

- but nurse her own father?
- [DOOR SLAMS]

Mm. Put it over there.

Help! Help! Everybody,
Sue's having the baby!

The baby? Are you sure?

Yes. She's going into labor. What
do we do? Should I get a doctor?

I could ride into town like Paul Revere.

Absolutely not. There
is no need for doctors.

- There isn't?
- I will be delivering this child.

- Wait. What?
- Hmm?

Yes, that's right.
I will be the midwife.

Why, on the Norcross farm,
we never needed doctors.

When a baby came, we rolled up our
sleeves and handled it ourselves.

- Not to mention all the calves and foals.
- [WHISPERS] Okay. Uh-huh.

Oh, it's all coming back to me now.

The smell of the barn at sunrise,

Aunt Lavinia and I
mucking out the stalls

after delivering a fresh baby goat.

Well, Sue's baby goat
is on its way, so...

[EDWARD] No, wait a minute!

- Who's going to look after me?
- Oh, you're fine, Edward.

It was nothing more than a dizzy spell.

I'm fairly certain it
was a heart att*ck.

You just need some rest.
Besides, Vinnie will stay with you.

- Right, Lavinia?
- Yes.

It might be slightly awkward,
since I'm in the process

- of reevaluating our entire relationship.
- Perfect.

Now, Emily, grab the sheets.

- Sheets.
- And, Maggie, fetch the buckets!

[GROANING]

- Is there something we could do to help?
- [CHUCKLES]

You think this is painful?

We're just getting started.

Maybe chloroform would soothe her.
I hear it's all the rage.

- Queen Victoria swears by it.
- Yeah. Sounds great.

Nonsense. We never had anything
like that on the Norcross farm.

Sue will be having this baby
au naturel. Won't you, Sue?

I'm in quite a lot of pain.

Oh, good.

- Pain is how you know you're still alive.
- Mom!

[WHISPERING] Don't say that. You
know Sue's mother d*ed in childbirth.

Did she?

- There is no finer way for a woman to go.
- Mom.

- The ultimate sacrifice.
- Oh, God.

- She's gonna be okay. Right, Maggie?
- Mm.

- I don't know. Slim hips.
- [CRYING]

- Most important that the baby survives.
- [SUE] Oh, God.

Why don't we sh**t
for everybody surviving?

Emily? Emily, I don't think I can do this.

I mean, how can a human being
come out of such a tiny hole?

It doesn't make any sense.
How does anyone pull this off?

- That's enough!
- [SUE GASPS]

- Oh!
- [GROANS]

- This isn't about you anymore, Susan.
- Mmm.

There's a precious life inside of you
that needs you to be strong.

- Do you understand?
- Yes.

Good. Now, someone
bring me the sheep shears.

- Sheep shears?
- What do you need these for?

Oh, I'll be using quite
a lot of farm equipment.

[GROANING]

Contractions are coming faster.

- [GROANS] Ow!
- Okay, well, listen.

If the baby's coming, Austin
should be here. I better...

Emily Dickinson, don't you
dare leave this room.

But he is the father. He should be here.

I don't need Austin. I need you.

Okay, okay. God. How is your
delicate little hand so strong?

[STRAINING] Because I am in pain.

- [GROANS]
- Take a nip of this, dearie.

- That'll take the edge off.
- Okay.

I snuck it over just in case.

Forget the sheep shears.
I'm gonna need the pig scraper.

[SUE GROANING]

[LAUGHING, EXCLAIMING]

[NO AUDIBLE DIALOGUE]

[CHATTERING]

[SIGHS] This is why
you live in New England.

Oh, my God. Totally.

Maple sugaring is my favorite
seasonal activity. [CHUCKLES]

It's my favorite too.

You said pumpkin carving
was your favorite.

- Can I have two favorites?
- [CHUCKLING] Oh, Abby. No.

Hey! It's not my fault. New England
brings me so much joy.

My tree produced, like, nothing.

A maple tree has to be
before it can produce good sap.

Look at George with his facts.

Hey, where the hell is Frazar?

This is supposed to be
a farewell party for him.

I can't believe he's enlisting.

Pressure to sign up
is getting real, man.

Won't be long before
all of us have to go.

What about you, buddy? Gonna go fight?

[CHUCKLING] I'm not sure
the army would want me.

I'm kind of a mess these days.

Plus, you're having a baby.

[GEORGE] Plenty of young fathers
in this w*r, sad to say.

Yes. At the end of the day,
a man must do his duty.

[ABBY] Why can't women be soldiers?

- How about some equality?
- [JANE] Abby, shh.

Anyone know where I can get a snowball
drizzled in fresh maple syrup?

[ALL LAUGHING, CHEERING]

- [AUSTIN] Hey, man.
- Frazar, man!

- Looking good. Looking really good.
- Yeah.

My mom just finished
sewing the collar on this coat.

- Snappy.
- You look like a real hero, Stearns.

- That's Adjutant Stearns to you.
- [LAUGHS] That's right.

- Amherst's golden boy, everybody.
- We're so proud of you, Frazar.

- Thanks for getting the g*ng together.
- Oh. [SCOFFS]

Means a lot to see you
all one last time.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.
One last time? Come on.

- We'll be seeing you when the w*r's over.
- Yeah. Yeah. Maybe.

Oh, come on. They're not
gonna get Amherst's finest.

Yeah, you're the star
of the field hockey team,

- son of the college president...
- And w*r is exactly like field hockey.

- [JANE LAUGHS]
- [CHUCKLES]

[CHUCKLES] Well, in any case here,
there's no escaping it now.

Come on. You've always
been the best of us.

- You're a true hero.
- Hey, where is Emily?

- Who?
- [CHUCKLES] Emily Dickinson.

- Your sister?
- [SIGHS]

I was hoping to say goodbye.
Is she gonna swing by?

I... I don't know.

I'm not really speaking to my family.

- Austin, what happened?
- [WHISPERS] We'll talk about it later.

All right, let's make this
a proper send-off, huh?

Three cheers for Frazar
Stearns. Hip, hip...

- [ALL] Hooray!
- Hip, hip...

[EMILY] Are we that
wait - sufficient worth -

That such Enormous Pearl

As life - dissolved be - for us -

In Battle's - horrid bowl?

[WATER RUNNING]

[BURPS] Oh, sorry.

I am so nauseous.
I don't like this at all.

[GROANING, WHIMPERING]

[SIGHS]

[GROANS]

Can you just push a lit... [GROANS]

Yeah. [SIGHS, GROANS]

Man, I definitely did not realize
giving birth was so slow.

The child comes when the child's ready.

It's the same with donkeys.

You know what I love about birthing?

The surprise. You never know
what you're gonna get.

One time, a cousin of mine
had conjoined twins.

Three arms, two heads. Maybe Sue's
got a pair of them tucked in there.

- [GROANING]
- [MRS. DICKINSON] Mm.

How much longer is this gonna take?

It's a mystery, dear. No one knows.

But I could probably hazard a guess.
Let's take a look, shall we?

Oh, God. No. I don't... No. Oh. [GROANS]

- Oh. Ooh. Ow. Ow.
- Hold still, Susan.

Still got about three hours.
She's only one inch dilated.

[GROANS]

Don't know if I can take
three more hours.

You can't? What about me?

Listen, Emily, it's like Aunt
Lavinia and me used to say.

If you can't handle horses,
get out of the barn.

Maybe you should step outside.

Take a breather, dearie.
You're gonna need it.

[GAGS, GRUNTS]

- Is it okay if... if I step...
- Oh, just go.

[BREATHES HEAVILY]

She could be pushing harder
with her hind legs.

Interesting theory.

I'm gonna need you
on all fours, sweetie.

- [SUE SHOUTING, INDISTINCT]
- [SIGHS]

[KNOCKING]

[SIGHS] Who's here? Maybe Austin.

Frazar. It's you.

Emily. I came to say goodbye.

Goodbye.

So, you're... leaving?

Yes. Heading down to Virginia tomorrow.

Then we're marching to North Carolina.

[WHISPERS] Wow.

- I'm so sorry Austin's not here.
- No, I already saw him.

- I came here to say goodbye to you.
- [SOFTLY] Oh.

You're not busy, are you?

No. Just sitting around, waiting
for Sue's baby to be born.

Oh. I didn't realize.
I don't want to intrude.

Oh, no, no. It's okay. It's...

It's taking forever,
and I could use a drink.

Why don't you come in?

[GROANS, EXHALES DEEPLY]

Should we go back?

Here you are.

Cheers.

I'm glad you came to find me.

I would have been
really sad if we didn't

get the chance to say goodbye.

Me too. I had to see you before I left.

You know? Seeing as I
might never come back.

Oh.

All that?

Look, you can't take that
whole me having a vision

about how you're gonna die
thing seriously.

I am a weirdo. You know that.

I'm the crazy one. Right? [CHUCKLES]

- I'm sure you're gonna be fine, and...
- Please don't do that.

- Don't do what?
- [CHUCKLES]

Don't be all fake and happy
like the rest of 'em.

You're the only one who's ever been real

with me about what this w*r might cost.

You're the only one who's
brave enough to face the truth.

You don't try and
peddle some false hope.

What if hope is all we have?

Sometimes...

the most hopeful thing you can do

is to look directly at the darkness.

- By the way, I don't think you're crazy.
- You don't?

- No!
- [LAUGHS]

- It's the world that's insane.
- Hmm.

The only thing that
makes you different is

you're not afraid to call it
like you see it.

It's what makes a great
writer. You know?

Great writers don't flinch at
the truth, even if it's tragic.

Look at Dante.

The Inferno. Whew.

He went all the way down into hell,

came back to tell about it.

Well...

[SOFTLY] I really hope you come back.

[CHUCKLES]

"Another decisive victory
for General Lee

leaves , Union soldiers dead

and , wounded".

Great. , more guys
I could have married.

, more that got away.

- What about the Confederates?
- What about them?

How many casualties on that side?

- Is there a list of names?
- Oh, I see what you're saying.

I could have married them too.
True, there would've been

political differences,

but maybe that makes for interesting
conversations over breakfast.

I'm just wondering
if my brother was involved.

Your uncle Sam, down in Savannah,
he's fighting for the other side.

Oh.

Um...

They don't list any names
from the South.

I suppose we don't even think of
them as people anymore. Hmm.

That's what hatred gets you, Vinnie.

Hatred and division.

It's a shameful time to be alive.

Might have been better if my heart
really had stopped last night.

Well, I am glad that you're not dead.

You are?

Yeah.

Thanks to this w*r, I'm losing
all of my potential soul mates.

It would have been kind of rough
to lose my dad as well.

Well, maybe you could just read
the sports section.

Okay.

[AUSTIN] You know, I... I was surprised
you didn't bring Billy today.

He loves maple syrup snowballs.

[JANE] He didn't sleep
very well last night.

[AUSTIN] Neither did I.

I never sleep well without you.

You saved my life.

You know that, right?

Being with you,

getting to get to take care of Billy,

it's the only thing that brings me joy.

It's everything.

You're all that I've got. [SNIFFS]

I'd do anything for you, Jane.

Austin, stop.

We can't do this anymore. I told you.

Why not?

Because Sue is having a baby.

That doesn't have to change anything.

Yeah. And because I'm...

Because I'm gonna marry somebody else.

You're...

[WHISPERS] You're what?

There's a business associate
of my father's.

A man named Pierre.

He's asked for my hand.

Pierre... Pierre who? Do I know him?

No. He's not from around here.

He's from France. Actually, Vietnam.

[AUSTIN EXHALES SHARPLY]

He owns a rice plantation.

And he's, uh...

he's developing ports

so they can open up to French trade.

Wow.

He sounds super problematic. [SNIFFS]

Well, all I know is that he has money,

and he can provide
a good education for Billy.

- I'm perfectly willing to pay for school.
- Austin...

It's just... It's not going to work.
Okay? This town is too small.

You're asking me to
live a life of shame,

- and I'm not going to do that.
- No, no, no.

[WHISPERS] Jane, Jane.

Please.

Don't go. Please.

Our tickets to Vietnam
have already been purchased.

I had no choice.

I think someday you'll understand that.

I hope...

I hope your wife learns
to take better care of you.

[BOTH SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY, LAUGHING]

It's getting late.

I still need to pack.

I wish you didn't have to go.

- Destiny calls.
- [SIGHS]

I'm gonna miss this town.
Good old Amherst.

[CHUCKLING] Yeah. I'm pretty
attached to the place myself.

Hey, there's something I'd...

I'd like you to give me
to take to the w*r.

Anything.

A poem.

I'll carry it in my pocket right here.

Your words will bring me hope.

Not false hope?

No.

Real hope.

The kind that's brave enough to admit

that sometimes things don't get better.

Here. You can have this one.

I wrote it today.

Who... Who did you write it for?

I wrote it...

for Nobody.

[EMILY] It feels a shame to be alive -

When men so brave are dead -

One envies the distinguished dust -

Permitted - such a head -

Thank you, Emily.

[FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING QUICKLY]

The baby's crowning. Emily, come quick.

- [FOOTSTEPS DEPARTING]
- Oh!

[BABY WAILING]

- ♪ Glory, Glory, Hallelujah ♪
- [SPLASHING]

[WAILING CONTINUES]

♪ His truth is marching on ♪

- [LAUGHS, SNIFFS]
- [EMILY] Oh, my God.

You're back.

Ah. 'Sup, Sis?

[SMACKS LIPS]

Austin, you missed it.

I think you'll find I hit it perfectly.

- No, no, no, no. The... The baby.
- [WAILING CONTINUES]

Your baby was just born.
Austin, you're a father.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

How come no one came and got me?

Oh, well, I... I wanted to.
I really did. I... I...

I even said that I was
g... Um, it all...

- It all just... It all happened so fast.
- [CHUCKLES]

Wait. Really quickly, I wanted
to talk about last night.

I don't want to talk about last night.

I wanna go meet my child.

Right. No. I know that.

But some things you said,
you need to take them back.

[LAUGHS]

Do you not think it's important,
now that there's a baby,

for this family to stick together?

I think it's a little too late for that.

It is not too late for that, Austin.

We can fix this. You just
have to apologize to Dad.

I have no intention of ever speaking
to that man again.

You cannot mean that.

Oh. I do mean it.

This is a house divided, Emily.

And sooner or later, you're
gonna have to pick sides.

[BABY WAILS]