03x14 - Black Vortex, Part 1

[bunniefuu]

[Quill]
Okay. The good news is, we saved
the shrunken Kree home world,

which is expanding back
to its normal size.

[alarm blaring]

The bad news--

[computer]
Self-destruct in two minutes.

...is fairly self-explanatory.

This is it, everyone.

[clicks]

Peter, wait.
Did you see that mirror

in the weapons vault?

You mind, Gamora?

I'm trying to spend
my final moments
in this galaxy

with some mid-'70s
one-hit wonders.

They might not have to be
your final moments.

That mirror
is called the Black Vortex.

Thanos said it was
an indestructible prison.

Drax approves
of indestructible.

Yeah, well, Rocket
don't approve of no prison.

I am Groot.

Good point, bud.

Ain't a prison in the galaxy
I can't escape.

The thing is, this prison
isn't exactly in the galaxy.

[alarm continues blaring]

[Quill]
I don't know, Gamora.

This thing looks,
like, super evil.

Self-destruct in 15 seconds.

Who am I to judge?

Everyone hold hands
so we don't get separated.

I am Groot!

[yelling]

[yelling]

[birds twittering]

[twittering]

[yawns]

Wha-- Where am I?

[bird twittering]

[animals chittering softly]

[twittering]

Good morning, Princess Gamora.

[screams]

[animals clamoring]

Aah!

Oh, the horror!

[sighs]

[birds twittering]

[yells]

Don't be scared,
Princess Gamora.

It's just us friendly
woodland critters.

You can talk?

[laughing]
Of course I can.

Every-birdie here
can talk.

[birds twittering]

Huh?

Ugh!

Groot. Quill!

A quill,
like a feather?

[gasps]
If you need a feather, Princess,

you can have one of mine!

But what's a "Gwoot"?
[giggles]

Groot and Quill
are two of my friends.

They were with me
just a minute ago.

There's no-bunny here but us.
[giggling]

[gasps]
My comm link! And my blade!
Where are they?

Golly, I haven't seen
anything like that around here.

Have you, Lopsy?

Uh-uh.

I need my gear
to find my friends,
so whatever game

you weird creatures
are playing,
I don't have time for it.

Go on! Shoo!

[animals clamoring]

[whimpering]

[sighs]

We're sorry, Princess.

Don't be upset.

Yeah. Bad things happen
when you're not happy, Princess.

You wouldn't like me
when I'm sad.

I know what will perk you up.

Every-birdie knows
you can't go wrong

when you start
your day out with a song!

[animals]
♪ Oh, it's time to sing the-- ♪

No singing, please!

[animals groan]

Look, I'm not whoever
you think I am.

I'm not a princess,
and I definitely do not sing.

Well, of course
you're a princess, silly.

Your father Thanos
ruled a whole planet!

Plus you've got
a wicked stepsister.

And such beautiful
flowing hair.

Really?

No! I don't have time for this.

[animals groan]

You're trying
to distract me.

I have to find my gear
so I can look for my friends.

Maybe if you
cleaned the place up,

you'll find what
you're looking for, Princess.

I don't clean up
after people.

I save the galaxy,
and people clean up after me!

Oh, you'll never
find your things
with that attitude.

Come on, Princess!

Ugh! Fine.

♪♪ [animals whistling]

[groans]

♪ It's time to sing
the whistling song ♪

♪ The whistling song,
the whistling song ♪

♪ When we all pitch in,
it won't take long ♪

[groans]

♪ If we sing
the whistling song ♪

[Gamora approaching]

[animals]
♪ It's time to sing
the whistling song ♪

♪ The whistling song,
the whistling song ♪

♪ When we all pitch in,
it won't take long ♪

♪ If we sing
the whistling song ♪

Why is there so much
talk of whistling
in a song that's all sung?

Don't question it.
Just sing.

You sing to pass the time
while you're working.

And you work
to give you something to do

while you're singing!

[groans]

♪ It's time to sing
the whistling song ♪

♪ The whistling song,
the whistling song ♪

♪ When we all pitch in,
it won't take long ♪

♪ If we sing
the whistling song ♪

I just cleaned that.

And now you get
to clean it again.
Hooray!

♪ It's time to sing
the whistling song ♪

[groans, huffs]

♪ The whistling song,
the whistling song ♪

♪ When we all pitch in,
it won't take long ♪

[gasps]

♪ If we sing
the whistling song ♪

[evil chuckle]

[radio static]

Hmm?

Huh?

[gasps]

Mmm!

Ooh, look what I found.

You vermin
stole my comm link!

[shatters]

[comm link chirps]

Quill! Rocket!

Can anyone read me?

[static over comm link]

Where's my blade?

[whimpering]

Uh, I don't know.
[chuckles]

Maybe if we finish
dusting the armoire--
[squeaks]

I've done enough cleaning.

Blade or no blade,
I'm getting out of here.

A princess can't go out
dressed like that.

[groans]

A princess can dress any way
she krutacking pleases.

But I'm not
that kind of princess!

Come on, Princess!

[chatter, laughter]

[Gamora grunts]

I said no!

[animals gasp]

But-- But we worked
all night on that dress.

[crying]

Stop that. Stop crying.

[crying]

I told ya
you wouldn't like me
when I'm sad.

[crying]

[electricity crackling]

[yelling]

[growling]

[grunts]
Aw, flarg.

[roaring]

[animals roaring]

Look, I don't want to hurt you.

They're not real.

They're not real!
[yells]

[screeching]

[grunting]

[screeching]

[grunts]

[growling]

How many of those things
are there?

[evil bleating]

[hisses]

[hissing]

[screeching]

[yells]

[yelling]

[angry chittering]

[snarling]

Yes!

Every-bunny,
meet the most dangerous
princess in the galaxy.

[screeching, growling]

[growling]

[grunts]

[yells]

Aaahhh!

[angry hissing, chittering]

[animals growling]

[owl screeches]

[clamoring]

[yells]

[squeaks]

[yells]

Well, that was... sparkly.

But I've got friends to find.

♪♪ [whistling
the whistling song tune]

What is this place?

And why am I so uncomfortable?

What sinister horror is this?
Drax does not wear sweaters!

And what has happened
to Groot and the others?

And why do I persist
in talking to myself?

[man]
A hero? Don't make me laugh!

Mark my words,
Drax-Man is up to no good,

or my name's
not J. Jonah J'Son!

Yeah? Well,
same to you... Mom!

[ringer bell on phone dings]

Drax!
Where's my Drax-Man photos?

"Drax-Man"?

Yeah. Drax-Man.

You know, the elusive,
costumed vigilante

who sells my papers
and pays your rent.

I want fresh, new,
incriminating photos
of that bare-chested menace

on my desk by 4:00!

That angry man
resembles Quill's father,

but that is not possible,
for J'Son of Spartax
does not have gray hair.

Also, he is not alive.

Hmm. I suspect that I

am actually the costumed
adventurer Drax-Man.

[narrator] No one suspects

that mild-mannered
photographer Drax is actually

the costumed adventurer
Drax-Man.

Who said that?

The mystery of his
amazing double-identity

was revealed
in issue number 32,

"The Secret Origin
of Drax-Man!"

[squawks]

I was just in an office.

How did I come to be
in this vehicle?

Real estate agent/saxophone
enthusiast Arthur Douglas

was driving home to Burbank
from a concert in Las Vegas.

I do not recall this.
Nor do I know the meaning
of half of those words.

Suddenly, an alien
spacecraft appeared,

piloted by
the Mad Titan Thanos.

[growls]

Thanos att*cked...

destroying the vehicle,

[evil laughter]

laughing evilly the whole time.

[evil laughter]

Although he was thrown clear
of the expl*si*n,

Douglas was badly injured
and barely alive.

This never happened.

Stop breaking the fourth wall.

I see no wall to break here,
let alone four walls.

[groans]

As I was saying,

his astral form was pulled
from his physical body

and instantly transported
across the galaxy.

This story seems extremely
far-fetched and confusing.

The Eternal Being Kronos
gave Douglas
a powerful new body,

transforming him into
the living w*apon of vengeance

known as Drax-Man.

[yells, grunts]

How did I get back here?

And why do I feel
a tingling sensation?
Why is the world all blurry?

Without warning,
Drax-Man's Drax-sense
starts tingling,

alerting him
that an innocent life
is in danger somewhere nearby.

Ah, that would explain it.

[gasps]

Drax-Man!

Drax-Man is in the building!
Somebody get a camera!

Don't just stand there, Drax!
Drax-Man is in the building!

Go get me those photos!
Do I have to do
everything myself?

Drax-Man. Great Caesar's ghost,
he appeared out of thin air.

Security! Security!

Security!
For crying out loud, Drax!

Drax-Man shows up here twice,
and you don't get
a single picture?

You're fired!
[echoing]

Suddenly remembering that
someone is still in danger,

Drax ducks
into a supply closet.

Uh, Drax ducks
into a supply closet.

For a disembodied voice,
you are very demanding.

Without a moment to spare,

Drax transforms
into the incredible Drax-Man...

[sniffs]

and springs into action.

Too late.
Drax-Man remembers

that he cannot fly.

[clattering]

[groans]

[car alarm blaring]

You could've
mentioned that earlier.

[woman]
Help! Someone, please, help!

Give it up, lady.
This is a robbery,
not a tug o' w*r.

[grunts, groans]

Oh, thank you, Drax-Man!

You're a genuine hero,
no matter what
J. Jonah J'Son says.

Justice served, Drax-Man
basks in the adulation

[fans cheering]

of his grateful
but hastily drawn fans.

[cheering, shouting]

This feels pleasant
and very appropriate.

[Gamora on comm link]
Drax, is that you?

Gamora, I can barely hear you.

I can't reach the others.
Something is blocking
our comms.

[narrator]
Unknown to Drax-Man,

Gamora is secretly
his arch-nemesis.

Every word she said to him
was a lie.

[handcuffs clink]

Not true.
Gamora is my friend.

Drax only believes Gamora
is his friend

because his memory was erased
back in issue number 219.

I do not remember that!

What did I just say?

[Gamora]
Drax, listen. You're in danger.

Wherever you are,
get out of there!

[narrator]
Is exactly the sort of thing
a lying arch-nemesis

would tell our noble hero.

Gamora, I do not understand.

[Gamora]
Run!

That I understand.

[thud]

Ah, this must be
the fourth wall
you mentioned earlier,

and yet Drax
did not break it.

[narrator]
Tricked by his sinister
arch-nemesis Gamora,

Drax-Man is trapped
and faces certain doom.

It appears this fourth wall
is about to break Drax!

Drax will break the fourth wall
before the fourth wall
breaks Drax!

[narrator]
Desperate to escape his fate,

Drax-Man lands himself
in even deeper jeopardy.

He's part of
a balanced breakfast.

But can Drax-Man stay crunchy?

But Drax does not wish
to stay crunchy.

This does not even make sense.

[roars]

[Gamora on comm link]
Drax, where are you?

I am facing down
a very flimsy monster...

[roars]

a child with poor eyesight...

and a puny bookseller.

[machinery whirring]

This place is becoming
very irritating.

[Gamora]
Easy, Drax.

We have to find a way
out of... wherever you are.

Tell me what you see.

The machine is printing up
copies of a common thief

I defeated earlier.

[narrator]
That's no common thief.

It's the duplicate desperado

known as Print-Press Paul.

That is a terrible name.

Oh, like "Drax-Man"
is so great?

[yelling]

[sneers]

Get him, boys!

[grunts]

Yes!
[charging yell]

Drax shall fold, spindle,
and staple all who oppose him!

But no matter how many
Drax-Man defeats,

the printing press
keeps printing more.

That does not seem fair.

Your villainous machine
cannot print without ink.

[grunts]
Aah!

[all whimpering]

I'm melting!

[all yelling]

What a world!

Ha! I have beaten you

at your own game,
colorful miscreants.

It is possible I did not
think this through carefully.

[all yell]

The branch!

[whimpering]

[Gamora] Drax? Drax,
what's happening now?

[grunts]

Drax is defeating his foes...
with the power of art!

[narrator]
As the ink level rises,

the all-consuming deluge
splashes onto Drax-Man.

Your clever words
cannot defeat Drax the Inker,

for the pen is mightier
than the sword!

[laughing]

[Gamora] Wait, Drax.
Was that a metaphor?

[narrator]
Drax is safe for the moment,

but the rising ink
carries him ever closer

to the razor-sharp high-speed
fans in the ceiling.

Uh, what's that
supposed to be?

It is a blaster.

Hey, Picasso,
don't quit your day job.

You will not defeat me,
disembodied voice.

I will use this magical branch

to paint something
that will silence you for good.

[Gamora]
Drax, did you say you have
a magical branch

that can paint
anything you want?

Yes. But I cannot seem to paint
a serviceable w*apon.

Then don't paint a w*apon.
Paint a door
and get out of there!

I would've thought of that,
eventually.

[narrator]
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Drax. Drax. Drax-Man. Buddy.

Doesn't have to end like this.

If you stay here, this world
could be your plaything.

Think about it.
Why would you leave a world

where you can paint anything
your heart desires?

What my heart desires
is my friends,

and a way out
of this unpleasant place.

So I will be leaving now,
and doing my own narration.

[paint squelching]

[yells]

[Drax narrating]
And so, Drax the Inker defeats
the annoying disembodied voice,

takes control of his destiny,
and sets off
for new adventures.

To be continued.