03x23 - With a Little Help From My Friends

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Guardians of the Galaxy". Aired: September 2015 to June 2019.*
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"Guardians of the Galaxy" picks up where the film left off and they patrol the universe protecting it from various villains that thr*aten it.
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03x23 - With a Little Help From My Friends

Post by bunniefuu »

Rocket's List of Grievances,

Number 323,
in a never-ending series.

First off, we finally
get the recognition we deserve

for defeating Odin's loser of a
brother, the Serpent.

Yeah, that's real
Asgardian gold.

Probably fetch us 50 or 60 thousand
units each on the black market.

Eh, not that I'd know
anything about that.

Anyway, where was I?
Oh, yeah.

Got a bunch of medals for defeating
the Serpent, blah, blah, blah...

Asgard salutes you!

Only to have the bum crash the party.

Literally.

- Huh?
- Hmm?

Remember that big old World
Tree in the middle of Asgard?

Well, it turns out the Serpent
not only planted it,

he controls it!

He used the World Tree to capture

- [Asgardians yelling
- every single Asgardian.

Well, not every Asgardian.

- Gotta hand it to the blond guy.
- Huh?

He put up a good fight.

A little light
on the explosions for my taste,

but heavy
on the property damage.

Thor sacrificed himself and severed
the Rainbow Bridge to Asgard

so's we could escape
in the Bifrost chamber...

with his loser of a brother,
Loki.

All of Asgard defeated,

destroyed, demoralized,

and not by me!

Eh, cheer up, horn-head.
With Thor and Odin out of the picture,

you finally get to be
what you always wanted...

All-Father over all of Asgard.

Which now consists of this room and a
small fragment of the Rainbow Bridge.

That is why I intend to escape
through the Bifrost

to somewhere as far as possible
from this realm!

Wait! You can operate
the Bifrost?

Why didn't you mention
that little tidbit before?

Because, Peter Quill,
it does not matter!

Even though I am All-Father,
even with the Bifrost at my disposal,

I still could not possibly defeat my
uncle, the Serpent, on my own.

Yeah, but unlike you,
we got friends.

We could split up
and take the Bifrost

to bring reinforcements
from all over the galaxy.

I am Groot?

No, Gamora didn't
think about that.

But I did.

To Whom It May Concern:

The entire galaxy is flarged
unless you help us!

Eh, problem solved.

Now open the Bifrost.
We ain't got all day.

And why should I
trust you to return?

Ooh! Ooh!
I got that one!

'Cause you don't
have a choice.

Fear not, Prince of Lies.

The fate of Asgard
and the entire galaxy

is in our capable hands.

We are well and truly flarged.

Now, where is that milk?

Aah!

Listen up,
Earth's Mightiest Heroes.

Which admittedly
ain't saying much.

We got a galactic emergency
on our hands.

No time to explain.
So let's move it on...

Eh...

Eh, where's
the big green guy?

Oh, uh, that would be me.
Sometimes.

Oh, yeah, right.

So, go green already.
I ain't got all day.

Well, it's not that easy,
really.

Uh, something
has to make me angry first.

Huh. Challenge accepted!

Huh.

I'd really like to help,
but if you wanna get me mad,

you're gonna have to
make some effort.

Oh, I'll show ya effort!

Ha!

Right. I-I can't get mad at you
if I can't see you.

Ha!

Besides, I have to
keep a spare pair.

They tend to break
when the other guy shows up.

So when's
that gonna happen?

As soon as
you make me mad.

Wet... but not angry.

Stop it.

Tickles.
Uh, and still not angry.

Definitely amused,
uh, but not angry.

Ha-ha! What about tha...

Aah! Hot! Hot!

Look, I can't get angry
if I can't take you seriously.

Seriously?

Take this seriously!

Oh, yes! Yes!
Here it comes.

Seriously?!
How can you not be angry?

I just destroyed your lab!

Th... This...

This isn't my lab!

No, it's my lab!

Iron Man?!

Okay, before you get
your tin shorts all twisted,

this was all
for a good cause!

Your buddy Thor's in trouble,
not to mention the whole galaxy!

So I needed to get the puny
guy mad so he'd go Hulk.

Right, puny guy?

Tony, is that my milk?

I don't know. Maybe.
Hold on.

This is my building,
so technically,

it's my milk.

You... You stole my milk

and drank from the carton?!

- How many times...
- No.

Have I told you

Not to take my milk?!

Open the Bifrost!

Bifrost!

Hey, do you think, uh,
Banner'll mind that we took his milk?

This is your fault,
Yondu!

Don't you go blaming me,
Nebula.

I was just following your orders
to obtain this here cannon.

I didn't tell you to steal it
from other Ravagers!

Y'all want this back,
do you?

Well, here's a taste!

I am Groot.

- Uh-Huh?
- Uh-Huh?

To Whom It May Concern:

The entire galaxy is flarged
unless you help us!

Uh-huh.

One more for good measure.
Huh?

Aaahhh!

Hey, whatcha doin'
down there?

I am Groot!

I ain't got time for none of
Quill's "ooga chaka."

I am Groot!

Hey!

I am Groot!

I am Groot.

Where's my cannon at, shrub?

I am Groot.

I am Groot!

I am Groooot!

No fair! I'm the one
who controls my arrow!

I am Groot!

Quit fooling around, Yondu,
or I'm leaving without you!

Ow!

Seriously?!

Yondu! You will not like

what I do with this arrow
when I find you!

Entire galaxy is flarged...

I am Groot.

I am Groot, I am Groot,
I am Groot, I am Groot!

I am Groot?

Where is
the plasma cannon?

Don't ask!

- Why is my arrow sticking out of your...
- Don't ask!

I am Groot!

What do you want
from us?

I am Groot. I am Groot.
I am Groot. I am Groot.

I am Groot!

I am Groot.

I am Groot!

Fine.
Whatever you want.

I am Groot!

So, what did
we just agree to?

Let me in!
Sammy, let me in!

Just 'cause Mom
told me to watch you

doesn't mean you can
come in my room, Kaelynn!

No girls allowed!
Whoa!

Gamora?

Sam, there's
a galactic emergency.

I need your help right now.
No time to explain.

Sam, who's in there?

Is it a girl?

No one! Go away!

Listen, I can't go with you.

My mom grounded me
and hid my Nova helmet

after she found out
I got thrown in Nova prison.

I would've thought nearly being
ex*cuted was punishment enough.

Beats having to watch
my baby sister.

I'm not a baby, Sam.

Are you the real babysitter?

Out! Now!

- Besides...
- I know where your helmet is.

Tell me where it is, child!

Now!

Uh, it's okay, Gamora.

Kaelynn's just lying
so she can come in my room.

Which you can't.
Now go.

Good luck
finding your helmet.

We don't need luck.

I just have to scan
for its frequency.

It's close.
Really close.

Wheeeee! Whee! Wheeee!

Oh, no.

You can't catch me!

- Get... down... here... now!
- Wheeee!

Here! Take one of these!

I meant use it
to chase her!

My way was faster.

Aahh!

Again! Again!

Aww.

Listen, Kaelynn,

I need that helmet to help

Gamora save the galaxy.

You always save the galaxy.

I never get
to save the galaxy!

You never let me do anything!

I'll let you do anything
you want, Kaelynn.

Really?

Really?

Wheee-ee-ee-ee-ee!

This is better
than saving the galaxy!


Next time Sam tries to kick you
out of his room, -

He'll have to go through me.

First rule of sisterhood:

Unite against a common enemy.

Open the Bifrost!

I can't just leave
Kaelynn home alone.

I don't think
that'll be a problem.

You can be in my room,

But don't touch my stuff while I'm gone.

Hm!

Huh?

Listen up, people!
The legendary Star-Lord is here

to bring back
the best and bravest

for a mission of galactic...

Oh, don't let me stop you.
Finish your speech.

What, seriously?
Howard the Duck?

It's another fake assignment!

Oh, what, I'm not good enough
for your little mission?

And I still don't know
what a duck is.

This is Conjunction.

The place is literally crawling
with arena fighters.

There must be someone better
than a talking duck here!

Well, you're a talking human.
I'm not impressed.

No, see, you don't get it.

I'm looking for a champion
to save the galaxy.

Did someone
say "champion"?

'Cause I'm Tryco Slatterus,
the Champion of the Universe!

Right. And what are
your qualifications, exactly?

I... I'm the Champion...
of the Universe.

It's literally
right in the title.

Okay. Well, I guess anything
beats a duck in a suit.

Welcome aboard, Champ!

Hey! I thought you were gonna
help me save the galaxy!

I will.
Once you b*at me in combat!

No, I think...

No, I think you're unclear...

On the concept!

The idea is we fight
on the same side!

We will, if you're worthy.

Okay,
somebody needs to chill out.

Howard...
Howard, little help!

Oh, so now
you want my help.

Fine. I'll do it myself.

Huh?

Hey, it's no fair
bringing your twin brother.

Oh, that's better.

No, wait! That's worse!

Ha! Still think
I'm useless?

Kinda.

Oh, I could set him free
if you wanna go another round.

Fine. You got the gig.

Open the Bifrost!

All right.

We'll, uh,
call this one a draw.

Oy, what a mess!

Cosmo knows one thing for sure.

No one will be teleporting in and
out of Knowhere for long time.

Whoa!

Cosmo, I need your help to...

To free Asgard from Serpent and save
galaxy, da. Cosmo read Drax mind.

Cosmo come like good dog,

but Cosmo need lucky squeaky toy.

Cosmo take on very first
cosmonaut mission.

Never leaves Knowhere
without it.

That was
surprisingly easy.

Perhaps even a waste of my...

Heel! Bad Knowhere!

Knowhere has been
bit temperamental

since Guardians destroy
Continuum Cortex.

Is okay.

Now, as Cosmo was saying...

Oh, nyet.

Not again!

Can you not discipline
this giant severed head?!

Cosmo try
to read Knowhere mind.

Curious. Knowhere is...

How you say... whimpering?

My daughter, Camaria,
would behave the same

when I was about to leave for
an extended arena combat tour.

It is called
"separation anxiety."

And how would Drax handle?

I had several methods.

The first, and most
effective, was to lie.

Fear not, Knowhere!

Drax and Cosmo
will return momentarily.

We most certainly
will not be confronting

an all-powerful Asgardian
in fierce battle

to determine the fate
of the entire galaxy.

But I was so convincing.

Another method
I used on Camaria

was to distract her
with an activity.

Knowhere,
Cosmo has important job for you!

Please to stack Darkhawk
prison pods in neat pile.

Speaks Russian...

Well done, mongrel.

Now, while Knowhere's distracted,
we will take our leave.

Is not working!

Knowhere is having
tantrum temper!

I would often let Camaria cry it out
in such instances.

Comrade Squeakers!

Drop it! Drop it!

Cosmo not like "cry it out"!

I have one final method.

It is called
a "transitional object."

Something to remind Camaria

Of me when I was gone.

Camaria's was a beloved stuffed
animal she named Mr. Rhinopus.

Alas, I do not currently have
Mr. Rhinopus on my person.

Perhaps some other
treasured object will suffice.

Oh, nyet!

Okay.

Please to keep Comrade Squeakers
safe until Cosmo come back?

Cosmo always come back.

It's not like
galaxy will end.

Oh, flarg.

Is lot like galaxy will end.

I am Groot!

Like the tree says,

welcome to the Guardians
of the krutackin' galaxy.
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