03x06 - Episode 6

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Detectorists". Aired: October 2014 to December 2017.
"Detectorists" is set in the small fictional town of Danebury in northern Essex, named after the iron age hill fort of Danebury in Hampshire. The plot revolves around the lives, loves and detecting ambitions of Andy and Lance, members of the Danebury Metal Detecting Club.
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03x06 - Episode 6

Post by bunniefuu »

[This programme contains some strong language]

What you got?

Bloody hell.

Is that? Blimey, mate.

Let me see.

That is beautiful.

Is that what I think it is?

It's ruddy spearhead, mate.

It's in incredible condition.


Well, earlier, I'd say, I don't

Could it be Roman? Unbelievable.

You got some water to clean it?


Well, there's a water t*nk
over there.

No, I knew there was
something fishy going on.

You bloody liar.
You nearly wet yourself.

You said it was in incredible

Well, exactly. It was the condition
told me something was wrong.

There was no age to it.

God, I wish I hadn't seen
the railings,

then I'd still have a spearhead.

Well, now you know how it feels to
have your treasure snatched

away so cruelly from right
under your nose.

Feels like crap.

Wait a minute.

It's the same, isn't it?

What's the same as what?
The same as me losing my gold coin.

Not even nearly the same.

That's a sign, a clue.

Are you building up to
one of your bits of mystic wisdom?

There's something about karma
going on.

Not going to get in any
book of quotations with that, mate.

The thing is,
we have to redress the balance.

Get our own back on those idiots.

It's all a question of karma.

When I think about karma I see
it as a good thing.

Like if you do something nice
something nice will happen to you.

But you see it as a tool for

Well, what do you suggest?

Just let them on the land, for God's
sake. Let everyone in.

Get a band. Have a festival.

You lose the farm in a few days
anyway, don't you?

Yeah, but what if one of them
finds my hoard?

Then at least it will have
been found.

Anyway, I thought you
said his detector was an antique.

It is. It's a twat's detector.

There you go again, being mean.

Stop being a bully.

Just play nicely with
the other detectorists

and then nice things will
start to happen.

Woohoo! My very own ship!

It's a boat. No. I've upgraded it.
Today it's a ship.

Come on, Dad.


Here you are.

I don't know if I, er...

Oh, Dad, please just
have a glass of wine.


Water looks a bit choppy today.

It's like a mirror, what are you
talking about? It'll be fine.


Cheers! Cheers!


See, it's not so bad, is it?

No. Not so bad.

Look at these two, Mum.

Do you see what they're making?

A house.

Well, it's the house we went to see.

He can't stop thinking about it.

He needs a place of his own.

I know.

He's been making homes for hedgehogs
and putting up bat boxes.

Some sort of nesting instinct
kicking in.

When's the auction?


Are you thinking of going along?
I don't know what else to do.

He's got it in his head
we're going to win it.

I'm worried when we don't
it's going to hit him hard.

This is a big moment for me,

because as you all know
I have been working on this

for a long time.

And there were
moments on the journey

when I was quite despairing of ever
getting this far.

And there is only one person to
thank for getting me through those

dark days and that is, of course, my
own darling Sheila, without whom...

Oh, come on, Terry, just show us,
never mind the speeches.

We all know how great Sheila is.

Yeah, come on, have you got her
there? Let's have a look.

Let me just explain that this
only the proof copy.

The actual finished product
will have a much better...

Just show us!

Terry Cloth, Terry Cloth, Terry

Yeah, yeah. All right, all right,
all right, all right.

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you

Common Buttons of North West Essex
by Terence Seymour.


I'm not expecting to make the New
York Times best seller list,

Would be nice, but, erm...

Well, the Co-op
on Emsdale Road say they're

going to stock a few copies, so
we'll take it from there, see how it

What's the print run on this, Terry?

An initial print run of .

Thousand? No, .

So, there'll be one for each of you

and a bunch left over
the for the general public.

Will you sign mine? Certainly will,
young Hugh.

In fact I'll probably sign
all the first editions.

Could you leave mine blank then?
It'll be worth more.

He could be the next JK Rowling.

Well, I doubt it'll spawn a movie
franchise and a theme park, darling.

Button World.

I'd go.

Mmm. Yeah, it does sound like a good
day out, admittedly.

Speaking of a good day out,
Lance and I have got a proposition.

You know we're losing
our permission on Monday, well

we've decided it's time
to open it up.

Get everyone down there for the last
day and blitz the place.

See what there is to be found
before it's covered over.

About bloody time. What, you think
there's still more to find?

Who knows, Terry,
but we could do with your help.

Well, it's going to be
a nice day on Sunday.

It is. Yeah.

And guess what I took delivery
of this very morning?

What? Brand spanking new gazebo.

How big? Three metres by nine.

Phew! Bring it along, Terrilium,

and we can stick the finds table

You could shift a few books.

Well, you heard the man.
These boys need our help.

Full turnout, no excuses.

There is just one thing.

We may not be the only ones there.

Bloody hell. This is grim.

We-e-elly, welly, well, well, well.

Look who's come crawling back.

I can't do this.


Look who it is. It's
the Danebury Metal Detecting Club.

That is our name. I know.

You were saying it like you were
making up some funny name for us.

Oh, if I were to make up a funny
name for you it would be a

hell of a lot funnier than that,
believe you me.

Would it?

Oh, yes.

You said you could get a
preservation order put on that tree.

Mmm, well that's the trick, isn't

Tree preservation orders
don't just...

..materialise. We have made quite
clear our demands.

Nice to see you apply the same
ethics to your bat

conservation as you do
to your metal detecting.

You're not interested in bats.

Why do you want to save that tree?

And what have you found in that
field that you're guarding it

so closely?

Well, if you help us we'll tell you.

We can detect on the field?

For one day.
The last day before we lose it.

The entire field, just
the two of us, for the whole day?

Now, that we cannot agree to.

This time we're going to do it
properly. No more sneaking about.

We're going to hold a rally with a
£ entrance fee, and at the end

of the day we'll donate that money
to your bat conservation charity.

If you can save that tree.

What, a proper organised rally?

That's the deal, and we'll get
the County Finds Liaison Officer

down to record everything
so it's all above board.

Take it or leave it.
That's our final offer.

Will there be a barbecue? I heard
sometimes they have a barbecue.

Er... Well...

Yeah, if the weather's nice.

And will there be a... gazebo?

There will be a gazebo, yeah.
Terry's got a new gazebo.

A new one? Well, we can maybe come
down early and help set that up.

You could if you wanted.

The thing is, er...

We're not, um... We haven't got.

What is it?

We're not currently members
of the National Council

for Metal Detecting.

Oh. I see.

It's been tough the last
few years with...

After the, er, the troubles...

..it's been very difficult to get

Well, I guess we could make you
honorary DMDC members for the day?

Mmm. Don't see why not.

Oh! Well, that would be nice.

I mean, that sounds good.

Paul, can you...?

Oh, do you,
do you need a little tissue?

Yes, please.

Help yourself.

Yes, thanks.

And definitely no-one can touch it?

Not for six months. By which time
you'll have bats in your boxes.

You said there was going to be a

Is there still going to be a rally?

Here they come.

I'll see you in a minute, darling.

I hear you're good with gazebos?

Well, it's been a while.

No matter. We can always use a hand.

Hurry up, now, we've got
a gazebo to erect.

And we don't have all day to do it.

And strut joint E to strut B...




Oh! Thank you, Sheila.

Glorious day to be here, as we say
farewell to a long loved

and, I understand, recently
productive permission.

Thank you to Lance and Andy
for opening it up for us all.

And welcome to our new friends,
Paul and Phil.

Chaps, what can you tell us?

Thank you, Terrilee.

Well, folks,
we think we've got a Roman burial,

or the remains thereof.

We found parts of a cremation urn,

parts of another pot and various
contemporary artefacts, including

the infamous gold Septimius Severus,
which was found on this very spot.

Yeah, mainly concentrated
in this area here, up this end,

but Roman coming up all over this
field and beyond, so...

So, loads of land to
choose from, ladies and gents.

Coils to the soil, have a
great day's detecting.

Guys, guys, can we spread out a bit?


GUYS! Look...

Can we all spread out a bit?
Look at yourselves. Come on.

Move out a bit. Come on. Shoo!
Go on. Yee-ha! Go on!

Yee-ha! Go on, get out!

Ah. I knew you wouldn't be
able to resist.

I thought I'd better come
and see what it's all about,

find out what I'm sharing you with.

Well, prepare to be transported into
a world of wonder and adventure.

Righto! Have you found anything?

Hey, Toni, how's it going?

Mate, I've left my stuff up by the
tree, I'll be back in an hour.

Don't find anything.
Where are you going?

Just nipping off to buy a house.
You need anything?

Uh, no, you're OK. Cheers.

Oh! Decide on your price
and stick to it.

So, with the money from your car
that's grand, we've got, tops?


All right. We'll just see how it

If we get it, we get it. If not...

Yeah. Let me do the bidding.

Really? Yeah, I know how to do it.

You hold up the card to raise
the bid a £ ,

and then you do that to
raise it .

You think you can handle it?

I don't mean to brag, darling,
but I've been watching these

programmes for years
while you've been at work.

I think I know what I'm doing.

Have you got the card? What card?

The card with the number on that
you wave to bid.

Where do we get the card?

I don't think we need that card.

Are you sure? The ones on YouTube
usually have a card.

They've all got cards, I knew it.

Excuse me, are we supposed to have a
card with a number on it?

To wave?

Lot , bid up set stock property
H, s

mini terraced cottagette.

What was that? Shh. Ours is the one
after this.

Just watch and see how they do it..

A lot of excitement in the room,
a lot of excitement on the phones.

And, so, twin contracts of
ownership, rental guidelines,

pertaining of potential
under clauses pending.

Agents charges come under
Section , Part but merges

and contractors can waive the
severance in person within days.

So, what have we got? Start me
over if you like?

There, now there?

What's he saying?

Get me going. Where you going to

Am I going to find you?

Can you feel my eye? Draw it to you.
Make me an opener?

Somebody? I have,
thank you very much, sir.

Do I see a ? I see.
Do I see ?

May I say ? for you now. Is it

, , , , .
No, do I have ?

, I have, ?

I'm bid. Fresh bid.
Do I have ? I have, , ,

, , ,

, . , ,
I'm selling at £ , .

One, twice, three times,
sold. Thank you.

Moving on.

What even was that? Jesus. It's
not like this on Property Lottery.

Nice button.

Welsh Guards. nd Infantry.

Next I have a bid locked stock trot

D, Totterdown cottage.

Oh, this is it, this is us.

Is it? I don't understand a word
he's saying, I honestly don't.

Keep calm, concentrate.

Customer starting block? Put it up?

You hear tick, tick, ticking.

Are you forward, are you aft?

Thank you very much, £ , I'm
bid. Do I hear £ , anywhere?

No? No ?
£ , then, any more?

No more bids at £ , ?
and a half.

Fresh bid. Thank you very much.
Now, do I hear ? I have.

Do we hear , sir?

and a half, sir? Very well.

I'm selling at £ , for the
first, second and third time.

And fresh bid, £ , at the back
of the room there.

Thank you very much, madam.
, do I hear ?

, , ,

, , , .

Do I hear ? ? No, the bid
is £ , at the back of the room.

Any advance on £ , ?

Selling once, twice and £ , ,
a fresh bid on the phone there.

Do we hear , madam? I have.

Oh, on the phone. And I have.

on the phone.
Do I hear , madam?

Thank you very much.
All out on the phone.

Any more bids in the room before
I sell to this lady

at the back of the room for £ , ?

Selling, once, twice, three times
and sold.

Thank you very much. And moving on.

What have you done?

It's all right.

They'll send people round.

They'll take us down.
It's all right, Andy.

We'll go to prison. Andy.

You'll go to prison.

My mum's going to lend us the
money. I've got it here.

Well, why didn't you f*cking tell
me? I nearly passed out.

It's ours, Andy. We won it.

I can't feel my legs. Oh!

Come on then, I dare you.

Let's swap for an hour.

Huh! All right.

Now, you're going to have to be
careful, cos this is going to be

like a Formula racing car, you're
not going to be used to the power.

look at this ridiculous thing.

I mean, it does everything for you.

You don't feel like you have
any control.

Hang on, hang on, hang on.
Where do you shovel in the coal?

I'm assuming this is steam driven?

And what's this?
You've got spoons mode?

It's a bit specific, isn't it?

Well, not if you're searching in
an old cutlery dump, it isn't.

See, the Arado, it's, it's sleek,
elegant, minimalist.

This is vulgar like,
like a monster truck.

What year is this?

It's an original. .

Is it really? Mm-hmm.

Is it? Oh. Same as my Triumph.


Ah! Ha-ha!

Mmm, yeah, there it is.

, well I never.

Unmistakable. A good year?

It'll be soon.

The big - .


I, er... I might have to take a
little photograph of 'em together

I like the way your mind ticks.

How are your legs?
Yeah, still a bit trembly.

Oh, there's Toni looking bored, you

I love you. I love you!

Hurry up and find some gold,
we've never been skinter.

Hey, mate!

Mate, I'm a home o...

What, mate?
All I got was - you're a h*m*.

Home OWNER. I'm a home owner.

No way, mate? You won it?

Bloody won it.

Oh, congratulations. With grand?

Well, no, we, we had to go over.

Ah. Who did the bidding, you?

Yeah, yeah, me, yeah.

With the little card?
All of that, you know.

Well, nice one, mate,

Hang on a sec, what's going on?
What's that?

Oh, yeah, I'm trying it out. My

You know what, it's not half bad.

That's embarrassing. Leave you
alone for a couple of hours.

Simple, but effective.

Well, a good day, all.

No gold, unfortunately, despite
the earlier false alarm.

Yes, sorry,
shouldn't have done that dance.

Oh-ho. I am all for dancing, Paul,

as any of these people will tell

But in the field we only dance
for gold.

I didn't expect everybody to run
towards me like that.

No, as I say, no gold,

and I feel we've found
all there is to be found.

And if there was a grave here,
I think, unfortunately,

it has been lost to time
and the plough.

And with that, I suggest
we all retire to the Two Brewers,

where the first round
is most definitely on me.

Come on then. Race you.

Are you coming?

Yeah. I was just going to, erm...


Do you need a moment alone?

Do you mind? Would you mind?

So, that's it then?
Wasn't meant to be?

Nope, not this time.

What do we do now?

Find a new permission.
Carry on, mate.

Got to keep searching.

I don't know why we do it.

No? I do.

I thought you probably would.

Time travel.

Go on.

Metal detecting is the closest
you'll get to time travel.

See, archaeologists,
they gather up the facts,

piece the jigsaw together,
work out how we lived

and find the buildings we lived in,
but what we do is...

That's different.

We unearth the scattered memories,
mine for stories,

fill in the personality.


We're time travellers.

Yeah, all right.
I'll give you that one.


Go on, then.

by Johnny Flynn

♪ Will you search the lonely
Earth for me

♪ Climb through the briar
and bramble

♪ I felt the touch of the kings and
the breath of the wind

♪ I knew the call of all
the song birds

♪ They sang all the wrong words

♪ I'm waiting for you

♪ I'm waiting for you

♪ Mm-mm-mm-mm

♪ Mm-mm-mm-mm

♪ Would you drift all the rolling
fields for me

♪ Hoard me in the highest bough

♪ I'll be your treasure

♪ But in history's rhyme
there's a place and a time

♪ And a truth to the gold
that the folds cannot hold

♪ I'm waiting for you
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