02x02 - Better Off Ned

[bunniefuu]

Probably notice I'm not
very talkative this morning.

Not really.

And I don't like to use the word
"whack" a lot...

but the fact that I don't
have an office is truly whack.

Oh, my gosh, I love the word whack.

And it totally applies
to like my situation...

where like none of the
cool kids at this school...

can spot a fellow cool kid in me.

Like, I should be drowning in friends.
D'ya know what I mean?

You know what? I'm not gonna get
into a whack-off with you, Gene.

Why, because you know
I'm the whack-off queen?

No, because I have it way worse, toots.

Uh, not possible,
I have it way worse, babe!

- My life is worse!
- My life is worse!

My life is the worst!

(FLESH SPLATTING)

So, did you know
Professor Steingarten well?

Who?

The uh... successful su1c1de.

Oh! No, I'm a mid-semester transfer,
so, I'm new.

Oh, Professor Steingarten was
also a mid-semester transfer.

- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah, yeah.

That's awesome, I wish I'd known him.

I could have picked his brain about...

"Picked his brain"
is a bad use of words.

He was pretty universally despised.

Not to speak ill of Ned.

Ned?

Yeah, the brain...

- Oh, that Steingarten.
- Right.

- The d-dead... the dead...
- The brain... splattered...

- The dead one... the dead one.
- Yeah, yeah.

Anywho, there will be a
memorial service held for him...

which you're more than
welcome to attend.

- (PHONE RINGING)
- I'll get you some...

- Dean Arnold's office.
- Hold on, Tim...

I'm sorry this is the wrong number.

- Tim... Tim...
- This is not Shelby's Pizza.

- Timothy. Timothy?
- It's a seven instead of a three.

- Tim... Tim!
- No, it's okay.

- Tim! Timothy!
- We get it all the time.

Hold on, someone's calling, goodbye!

- Timothy!
- Yes.

Hey, could you get the
memorial info for Ms... Brown.

- Brown.
- Yes, it's over here.

- I'm sorry to kick your bag.
- Oh, and Timothy, Timothy...

while you're doing that, in addition...

could you also get us some coffee?

- Yes, yes.
- I don't drink...

- It's okay, I don't drink coffee.
- I think you'll love this coffee.

Quite shocking, ain't it?

I heard that in the end,
he actually lived in his office.

- He had an office?
- Oh, yes.

I mean, that's terrible that he
was living out of his office?

- R.I... R.I...
- R.I.P. Right? Yeah.

- Yeah, it was a very...
- Okay, so...

- Thank you. Very spacious office.
- This is coffee.

In the History Department.

You are a history teacher,
too, aren't you?

- Yes, I am.
- These are some swizzle sticks.

- Just like Ned.
- And, uh, some sugars.

- Thank you. I love coffee.
- (PHONE RINGING)

- Do you?
- I do.

- Dean Arnold's office.
- I don't... really drink it.

A hard life, eh? Life of a teacher?

- I really enjoy it!
- We had a su1c1de!

- Yeah, it got everywhere.
- Yeah, it's really fun.

His body got everywhere, yeah.

What were you saying about his office?

- That question is a little too...
- You know someone who d*ed, too?

- Too soon, too soon.
- Mom, why did you call me?

You and Judy have to stop fighting, Mom!

- Too soon.
- Stop fighting, nobody wins.

I'm like, Zooey, I love ya, sis...

but you gotta stop giving
these writers my personal sh*t.

It's hard being a Deschanel.

Speaking of being upset, what's up?

I'd love to, uh, join you guys...

but I'm still sort of processing,
you know?

A lot of heavy stuff, scoot?

It is me.

Flying incognito, you know?
But, uh... it's me.

I was the one who saw Steingarten.

Like our eyes met?
And in that moment, I said to him...

"You're a hero." And he was like...

"You're also a hero,
you deserve to have a lot of friends.

"I hope you're successful
getting friends in life...

"and mostly at school."

You know, it's crazy hearing it
out loud. God, it's so hard.

I just am glad we have each
other to lean on, you know?

Like really lean.
Lean in or hug, you know?

- Oh, whoa, watch out.
- Oh, yeah, get up to get into it?

- Just... can you...
- Yeah, we need the...

- Oh, yeah, sorry, sorry, yeah.
- Okay, thank you.

Yeah.

Yeah, it's much better on the wet grass.

Billie! Billie.

Billie! Hey.

I'm fine!

- Yeah... how are you doing?
- Yeah, fine. Who?

It's... not a big deal. It's n...

It's not like he...
he makes me reflect on me.

- Hah-hah-hah-hah!
- Ms. Steingarten!

Oh, I'm sorry, Ms. Brown.

Just, you look so much like Ned...
spitting image.

- Oh, yeah.
- Anyway...

you really booked it outta there...

before I had time to give you your tab.

A coffee, a dollar twenty-five?

Mm-hm, I also put the address
for the library on there.

Where the memorial will be held,
since I know you were...

witness to the... for the...

I was... I was also there.
I was like almost more there.

- Oh.
- I don't know if you can tell...

- 'cause my disguise...
- Oh, yeah.

Oh, well then you're more
than welcome to come.

Oh, thank you.

- You know, that's all right...
- Should I bring something or...?

'cause we didn't know him.

So, it wouldn't be very
appropriate if we came...

- I'd love to say a few words.
- Oh, that would be lovely.

Thank you both. He didn't have
a lot of people in his life...

so that'd be really great.

Venmo me!

- What are you gonna wear?
- You're disgusting.

- What? Come on, Billie!
- Gross!

I need to mourn.

- [HEDRA] I want to mourn.
- What? No!

Not you, Hedra!

I do like that outfit, though,
it's very Fairuza Balk.

Circa The Craft, I like it.

I saw that dead guy's
train accident, I'm sad.

No, you didn't!
And there was no train accident.

- So, did you see it?
- I was there.

- Oh, a dead man!
- Sorry!

I was just looking for
my book-ina book-lada.

It's a pina colada, uh,
that's got a book in it.

That's... that's okay.

Hey, heard you saw Ned
k*ll himself, huh?

Did I?

I don't... I don't remember.

Must have just jumped out of my brain,
like you'd jump off a...

I do feel bad about him, though.

I don't... real assh*le.

Well, I don't feel a real
kinship with him, or...

Oh, Ned... Before he got his office...

he used to come down here,
tuck away like a little hermit...

in the library,
just grading papers and I'd see that...

little red pen and dumb,
little green light and...

(GASPING) It's you!

It is not me!

Here you are!

Bet you could use
a little tug of this, huh?

You know, um, no, thank you...

'cause I have to go do work...

and I'm not really affected
very much by all of the...

the... oh, su1c1de.

- Well, go to work.
- Yeah, I will.

- Just like Ned.
- You're a bitch!

It's like I'm looking
in a mirror at Ned.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Come in.

Did you just say "come in"
while you were...

sitting on the toilet?

Did you just enter a
single-stall bathroom...

after hearing someone was in it?

- Touché.
- Thank you.

- May I?
- Touché.

(SIGHS)

I lost one of my staff
members yesterday.

I know, I was there.

- You were there?
- Yes.

I'm sorry.

Thank you.

Has anyone given you a hug?

No.

- May I?
- Please.

Okay.

Nope, still needed.

Hey, Wilhelmina.

Dana, what are you doing here?

Oh, Pamela lets us eat lunch here.

It's a lot cleaner than the cafeteria.

Ah, Bill-meister... how ya' holdin' up?

Yeah, I'm fine, Pamela.

Do you want me to clear out of here?

No! I was looking for you earlier...

because I want to make
sure you're doing okay.

Yeah, I'm fine.

And then also wanted
to get those hot deets.

- About the...
- She's in here!

Hi, Roland! Hi, hi! Hi, Bea!

Guys, look, this isn't really
a buzz-worthy conversation.

You know, this is not hot "goss".

Did we miss the beginning?

I leave the movies early
if I miss the studio logo.

This is not a story, okay?
It's not a movie.

- Was he warm?
- Did he make a noise?

- How did he land?
- Was he warm?

She just asked that, Bea!

B-T-dubs, we are having a little
impromptu memorial for Ned...

at Get Outta Towne tonight,
you should stop by.

But... But, no pressure,
however you process guilt.

I mean grief... You didn't k*ll him.

Okay, I don't think that
would be appropriate...

because I didn't know him.

So, I don't think
that would be respectful.

Oh, we didn't know him, either,
but we feel like we did.

Yeah.

Okay, well, I really didn't.

Really? You guys had so much in common.

[BLEEP] you, Bea.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry,
I'm just gonna go grieve alone...

because that's how I do it.

Don't touch my bag.

Well, I have a lot of work to do...

so I want to...

Thank you... You're a bitch!

You're a bitch!

- She's not very nice.
- No.

- She wears a wig, you know?
- I like her.

- Really?
- Mm-hm.

_

All right, guys,
can we please try to get here...

on-time tomorrow?

Pass your papers forward.

Step off my dang, dude!

Would you mind terribly
passing me those?

And throw yours on top of the pile,
while you're at it.

Oh, wow, uh, you didn't hear.
I'll fill him in.

Professor Chang, I saw a man die...

so I didn't have to do my paper.

Everybody in here knows about it,
so I'm sorry...

if you not knowing makes
you feel like a stupid...

stupid piece of sh*t.

Um, friends, back me up.
Jump in, friends.

I'm sorry that happened to you...

but you still gotta do your work.

Life goes on.

Not for Ned.

Not for Ned.

Not for Ned.

Not for Ned.

Ned was an American,
so I'm gonna take this.

Not for Ned.

Whoa.

Ow!

It's fine.

Ooh! Cranium, nice!

Oh... that is a sweet edition of Dune.

This guy is a baller.

Was a baller.

That's choice oak.

Stupid Professor Chang!

Stupid no friends!

Yeah... that'll work.

Nice.

Aw, cool tam o' shanter.

Yeah, that's workin'... yeah, ooh.

Don't mind if I do.

Ah-gah-gah-gah-gah... oh, I'm Popeye.

I've got an office.

- [BILLIE] Gah-gah-gah, I'm Popeye.
- _

Eat your spinach. Eat your spinach.

Gah-gah-gah-gah...

Who are you?

I'm Billie Brown.

What are you doing in here?

This is my... office.

No, this is Ned Steingarten's office.

Well, it was, but it's my office now.

Who says?

The head of the History Department.

I'm the head of the History Department.

Well, I'm Billie Brown.

Yeah, you said that.

- I should probably go.
- Yeah.

Yeah? Okay.

I'll just take my things and get out.

Nice to meet...

Nice to...

(BELL TOLLS)

Look who dropped in.

Too soon. JK... Simmons.

What's the word, little turd?

I'm just thinking,
just feel really bad about Ned.

Are you waiting for a friend?

Kinda.

What do you say we get out of here?

Get away from all this death.

Yeah, okay.

All right.

Thank you.

So, I'm Gene, by the way.

Oh, yeah, yeah, I'm Dr. Lowe.

But my friends call me Jay.

Your name is... Your name is Jay Lowe?

Yes.

And I know what you're thinking.

No, I'm not related to Rob Lowe.

Well, actually it's because
my family is super rich.

We invented something called the Oreo?

Oh, my gosh, stop there, I've had one.

- Oy!
- Yeah... a fan.

Yeah, so I could have done
whatever I wanted.

And I really, really wanted
to be a history professor.

That's cool that you could
have done whatever you wanted.

Thank you, Gene.

- Gene?
- Jay Lowe?

Have you ever been to a carnival?

I have been to a carnival.

Oh, great.

Have you ever had a tarantula?

No.

But when I was seven,
we had a puppy named Norma.

Oh, that's cool.

Is it dead?

Yeah... very.

I'm sorry, sh**t, I...
I brought up death.

It's okay... no rules.

Okay... thanks.

Do you own a baseball cap?

- No.
- No.

Good.

I like you, Gene.

I like you, too...

Like a friend! Only as a friend!

Oh... yeah, it's... same.

That came out kinda weird.

No, no, no, no, totally normal.

You go memorial... me?

Sure. Okay, yeah.

That definitely came out weird.

Yeah, that one was strange.

You're my best friend.

Okay!

I doubt Regina Spektor carries
her own equipment, but... sure.

I love that band.

That's not a band, Hedra.

- I cannot believe it.
- Careful.

I cannot believe you're here, gross.

- You're gross.
- What are you doing here?

I was invited here to
pay tribute to Ned.

By my best friend, not Hedra,
she doesn't count.

You don't have any friends here,
this is a faculty memorial.

- And you're not mourning!
- Oh, and you are?

What are you even doing here?

- Burn.
- Yeah.

That's not a burn. I am...

Okay? I may or may not
have to talk to my boss...

who I may or may not have gotten
off on the wrongest foot with.

I am so lost by that story.

Ooh, Dr. Lowe is here.

(CLEARS THROAT) Go ahead.

Friends, yes, we are.

Do me a favor... and don't follow me...

also leave the memorial.

No, I'm not. Get back...

Billie!

- Wicked!
- What?

Hedra, it's not on my mouth.

And we still haven't been
able to find someone...

to take care of his hairless cats.
We're...

(CLEARS THROAT)

Oh, so... hi, there, Dr. Lowe.

- You know my name.
- I do, I am Billie Brown.

Uh-huh, yeah,
you've told me that several times.

Yea... right, I think I've
just been a little out of it...

since Ned met... met Joe Black.

I understand.

I mean, I was... I was...
I was there when he... took his life.

So was my best friend.

I'm sorry? I don't understand.
Your best friend is Gene?

Gene the queen. Such a free spirit.

I... I don't understand.

Well, you know, there's a lot...

you don't seem to understand, Ms. Brown.

You know my name.

- Wow.
- So sorry to interrupt...

Hi, Billie, uh, you still
haven't paid me for the coffee.

- This is not a good time.
- No, it is a good time.

- Um.
- It's getting to the point...

that it's really rude.

I'll give it to you.
This isn't what it looks like.

It's a dollar twenty-five
that I've been waiting for.

- I'll give it to you.
- I got it, Tim.

Oh, no, no, please don't.

- You don't have to...
- Please don't, I wouldn't ask ya.

I'd like the money to come from her.

- I will pay you for a coffee.
- Keep the change.

I'll feel dirty about this money.

- Keep the change.
- Thanks a lot, I feel dirty now.

Testing, one, two, Wu-tang Clan.

- Oh.
- This is for Ned.

And I apologize in advance,
for your ears, I'm not a singer.

Oh, I like it already.

♪ Walking down the street ♪

♪ I'm hoping to run into you and I do ♪

♪ But you've k*lled yourself ♪

This is embarrassing.

♪ When people describe you
they'll often just say dead ♪

♪ But to me you'll always be ♪

♪ Steingarten comma Ned ♪

- - OPERATOR (OVER PHONE)
, what's your emergency?

BILLIE (OVER PHONE)
A man d*ed and he's dead!

- ♪ In the night I miss you ♪
- It's not my...

♪ I call out your name ♪

BILLIE (OVER PHONE) We need
an ambulance with a coffin!

It's not my voice.

♪ If you hadn't have jumped
well I'd still feel the same ♪

Just sounds like me, it's not me.

BILLIE (OVER PHONE)
My name is Billie Brown!

My hair is blonde, no, no...
honey blonde!

Why do I keep describing
my hair so much?

♪ I will never forget you ♪

BILLIE (OVER PHONE)
I don't know his name!

This is not really happening.
It's not really...

You know what makes me laugh, Billie?

- You're exactly like Ned.
- I'm not him. I'm not him.

You have his face,
his glasses, his hair.

And his job!

Hey, Billie, you're Ned.

What are you talking about?

I'm not Ned.

I'm Billie.

Why are you laughing at me?

You're Ned!

You're wrong.

You're Ned!

No! Please, no!

♪ Steingarten comma Ned ♪

♪ No middle name I believe ♪

Thank you.

No! Don't do that!

Don't clap! Don't... for her!

Why? A man d*ed,
and she's just up here like...

Oh, "boo hoo" song...

- I didn't cry.
- I did.

You're both wearing denim
jackets to a memorial.

And you're all clapping away,
clapping away!

It was really just the
coffee guy clapping.

Oh, was it, Mr. Bigshot,
head of the department?

BFF's!

- You know what, just fire me.
- No, don't fire her.

I'm not gonna fire her.

I can't fire someone for doing
a bad Popeye imitation...

in a dead man's office.

Mediocre. And how did you
become friends with my boss?

- Best friends.
- Best friends.

She totally reminds me of Ned.

What did you just say?

- Uh, I...
- I am my own person!

Okay?

And this is whack! All right?

Y'all havin' a whack att*ck.

- What?
- Okay?

I need you to have some russ-prect!

Okay, well, you just said...

- "russ-prect".
- For the dead!

- I think we should leave.
- For the dead!

- Okay.
- I'm sorry.

- I have a thing with funerals.
- Okay, I'm getting her out.

- It just always happens.
- Problem is leaving.

I'm normal. I can be normal!

No one says, "I'm normal," who's normal.

Someone get my Yamaha.

♪ I saw Ned get hit by a train ♪

- [BILLIE] Take a... train!
- [GENE] Train!