02x06 - Rush, Rush

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Idiotsitter". Aired January 2014 - June 2017.*
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"Idiotsitter" revolves around a young woman who is hired to babysit a rich woman's daughter who has been left alone in her father's mansion under house arrest.
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02x06 - Rush, Rush

Post by bunniefuu »

I can't believe I'm making
out with Leland Palmer...

from Twin Peaks.

You're like my least favorite
character in the show.

I was in Twin Peaks.

Yeah, I know, I already said that.

Billie, oh, Billie.

Oh, Ray Wise from Twin Peaks.

I was also in Robocop.

No, no, no, don't list your
other credits, that ruins it.

- I was in Twin Peaks!
- I know! I know! I know!

Oh, hey, check out this
thing I can do really good.

- Can you hop?
- What?

Stop! Just stop!

Okay, stop!

Oh!

Was I sleep-molesting you again?

Yes.

- Should I go?
- Yes.

Okay... I'll go, I'm just...

There's no way you're not
gonna tell anyone about this...

- No.
- Okay.

So, I'll just...

- Am I still dreaming?
- No!

I shoulda caught that.

That's probably why they
call it a dream catcher.

Leave!

Okay.

Eh-hem!

Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

It's cool. Who is Maxwell Sheffield?

- The dad from "The Nanny".
- Yeah, I'm not him.

- I could be Niles.
- What?

What are you doing? Agh!

My cheek smells like cheese.

- I ate cheese.
- Hedra, don't touch me!

- I have to get my own place.
- No, no, no!

It's been so nice having you.
I mean, I get kinda lonely, so...

- I'm here!
- Can you not be?

I would love a hot tea,
if you're running out.

She'd love a hot tea. Hot tea!

And stop wearing my pajamas.

Don't slam the door, okay?

- (DOOR SLAMS)
- There it is.

Okay, Billie... all right.

Maybe you could just
apologize to Dana, you know?

It's not like anyone would sleep-walk...

into his weird lotion-y bed on purpose.

He said if I did it again,
he'd make a formal report...

- and I'll lose my job.
- Uh-huh.

I guess I've just never noticed,
because I usually sleep alone.

That's cool and not depressing.

I'm having a really hard time with this.

I either need to stop
sleepwalking or get my own room.

I need money to get my own
room and I don't have money.

Billie! I know!
You don't have money! Okay?

And I have a lot of it,
and I could help you...

by giving you some.

We do this every day.
It's just getting boring.

Sorry.

Maybe you should just like crash
here for a little bit, you know?

I've already been here a week.

I can't just keep couch
surfing in student housing.

Well, maybe this is just me,
but like, surf's up, you know?

I don't surf.

I just mean, like,
you're welcome here, you know?

You're like my sister.

But like my weird sister I
can't change in front of.

[HEDRA] This is an option!

Did you just stay here
listening at the door...

and not go get her hot tea?

Yeah... I mean, no!

Sisterhood of the Omega seeking
House Mother, room and board.

Some pay.

Sounds fake and terrible
and you shouldn't do it.

Is that what you were thinking?

[HEDRA] It's just you and me,
Gene, forever.

I mean, it doesn't hurt to check it out?

- Yeah, I'll come.
- [HEDRA] Me, too!

- How do we leave?
- The window.

Hey, you want to hang in and
talk about all our secrets?

No, we're going to the Den Mother...

- No!
- Oh. Yeah!

Nice save.

[BILLIE] This is gorgeous.

Really?
I mean, it's so far from campus...

and it's kind of disgusting
with the columns. Ew.

They're pretty.

Who's ever liked a column?

Oh... hi! Oh, hi...

I'm Billie Brown and I saw your flier...

about the House Mother, I don't...

And I'm Gene Russell and
you're just gonna want me...

in your sorority,
I'm good at making up handshakes.

- Oh, yes... come in!
- Oh, thank you.

Great, do we have
to take our shoes off or...

More like so-bore-ity... all right.

I'll just go to one that wants me.

The coolest ones.

Sisters, someone saw the flier.

This is Billie Brown.

So nice to meet you, Billie.

Oh, thank you, nice to meet you.

I'm so honored to meet you, Billie.

Oh, wow! Thank you, and congratulations.

- Congratulations to you.
- Oh, thank you, I'm not pregnant.

Oh my gosh! Look at her clogs.

Oh, yeah, they're kinda dorky, huh?

- We love them!
- Monique blogs about them.

- Oh, okay.
- Are you thirsty?

I just steeped a fresh
pot of Quiet Moment...

Get out of here! That's my favorite tea!

(GASPING)

- Ours, too!
- What?

You all said that at the same time.

Hey, I'm Gene... I'm here to pledge.

I heard you guys were sluts.

Hey, I'm Gene. I'm here to pledge.
I'm a real slut.

Hi, I'm Gene and I'd like
to pledge your sorority.

Sluts! I'm sorry.

Oh, my god, this is so beautiful!

This is like, in my head,
the room that I would have.

It's obviously meant to be!

Why do you guys need a House Mother?

I mean, I thought
they nixed those in the 's.

We're not really a sorority.
We're a sisterhood.

So we don't adhere to the
Greek system mandates.

Wait, why is this called
the Grace Jones Room?

- We love her.
- What? Samesies!

I invoke her spirit of
power and individuality...

whenever I feel tamped down by the man.

We do the exact same thing.

For the power of Grace Jones.

Holy smokes, okay, you know what?
Call me Mom!

Yeah... yeah, yeah!

Oh, oh, oh,
we should start getting ready...

- for the Septeth Circle Ceremony!
- For what?

Just a little traditional party
to welcome you into the fold.

Oh! Hah-hah-hah!

Hah-hah-hah!

I don't know why we're laughing.

Hah-hah-hah!

Dad... Dad!

Dad!

- Gene-n-nie!
- Oh!

- My little queen-ie!
- Hey, there you are.

For a second, I was like...

"Why is the statue of my dad
not coming to life? Am I crazy?"

I don't know. I'm sorry about that.

No, I just figured
you probably paid extra...

so that I could have a statue
to talk to, you know?

Ah, no, I'm more of a sub-conscience...

Never mind, why the frown,
my tiny clown?

Oh, we don't have to do
the rhyming thing.

- Oh... okay.
- It's kind of weird.

Naw, I just tried to go Greek,
but turns out, I'm a geek.

- Oh...
- Dang it!

- What happened to my mouth?
- Oh, no, no.

You're not a geek! Billie's a geek.

- Yes! Thank you.
- Yeah! Right?

- She's a total geek!
- Yeah.

And like, they let her get in, kinda.

- And they didn't let me in. Me!
- Mm.

I think there's plenty
of better houses...

that'd be dyin' to have ya'.

No, I tried. I tried everywhere.

I tried every stupid house,
and no stupid house wanted me.

You know what?
I think you'd have better luck...

if you went over there...
there... there...

What's happening right now,
and where do I go?

Uh-oh, just go up to the
stop light and make a left...

Oh, I can't do lefts and rights.

- Okay, well, it's the...
- It's really hard for me.

The house across from the In-N-Out.

- Got it.
- Y'all-righty!

(OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYING)

Hello?

(DOOR CREAKING)

Sorority? You left your door open!

[BROTHERS] Twelve,
twelve, twelve, twelve.

Twelve, twelve, twelve, twelve, twelve.

Holy sh*t.

I mean, twelves, elves, shelves...

- Drink.
- Uh, no thanks.

I'm like the opposite of parched, so...

- Drink!
- Okay, yeah, I'll have a sip.

But then I gotta head out...

because I'm about to teach
my buddy how to uh, swim.

[GENE] That's totally the truth.

Is this pig's blood or people's blood?

I mean, I'd be down to try bat's blood.

- Drink.
- Drink.

Easy! On my own time.

Please don't turn me into a vampire!

(EERIE MUSIC PLAYING)

Ugh, is that barbecue sauce?

Oh, fraptious day!

Calloo-callay!

Warmest of welcomes,
my fledgling fratello.

I don't speak Italian.

Every Wednesday at : ,
we have an open rush.

No one ever actually comes...

but by drinking from
the Goblet of Doom...

you have pledged!

It's actually BBQ sauce and Hi-C.

Pretty raunchy, right?

And we have accepted!

Welcome to the fold of the
Phi Beta Gaming Society.

Oh, yeah, I'm in.

- Ah! Yes!
- Yes!

Hey, it's me, I'm actually in your,
um, dorm room.

I think I'm gonna take
that job as House Mother.

The girls are so cool and smart.

They're always like
complimenting me and hugging me.

- Ooh, speaking of Greek life...
- Oh, you're here...

I accidentally joined a fraternity...

and it's going pretty well.

Know what I mean?
Billie? Oh, I lost her.

- Gene, I'm right here.
- Jesus Christ! Oh, my god.

I thought I was gonna choke,
but I swallowed normally.

What are you wearing?

My Phi Beta Cloak of Communion.
What are you wearing?

My Wednesday outfit.

Mm... it's cool.

[BILLIE] Um,
what kind of sorority is this?

It's more of a gaming society.

What do you mean, a gaming society?

I can't really talk about it.

I'm not at liberty.

Okay, I'll tell you.

I'm the only girl and there's
like various rituals...

and there's a lot of chanting, like...

(CHANTING)

Sounds like Eyes Wide Shut.

I don't know what that means.

They're really into role
playing games and aliens.

Are you sure you didn't
accidentally join a cult?

No, I wish.

They're not weird in
like a m*rder-y way...

they're just like total
dorks and virgins.

It must suck to be that uncool.

One, two, three.

I mean, I would actually
like to help them, though.

You know, get them laid or like,
ooh, get them to a party.

That would be great.
Get them out of the house.

My girls... are actually
throwing me a welcome party.

Isn't that sweet?
You could bring them to that.

- Oh, that would be so great.
- Yeah.

Because it's probably gonna
be like boring as sh*t.

So, just, you know,
kind of ease them in.

Yeah.

Switch!

Ooh, I get to sweep!
Gosh, this is a good time!

- Tell me about it.
- Hah-hah!

So, Theresa, when are you due?

What do you mean?

Right.

Qu'est-ce que c'est ca?

Just a dress I have.

Thought it would be perfect
for you for the party.

Fabulous French comprehension and taste.
I thank you, Holly.

- Yeah-hah...
- I'll steam it!

Nanoor, you're a dream.

Oh, B-T by the W...

I invited a friend of mine...

and she invited some guys.

I thought, "The more, the merrier!"
So...

The Septeth ceremony is not a
gathering for fools and whores.

It is sacred.

Your hand's bleeding.

Oh... that hurts.

I... I can uninvite her?

Sounds good.

Okay... so much glass.

- Then sweep.
- Okay.

- Tiny broom.
- Mm-hm.

Lesson one.

This is what most people call "outside".

- The temperature is alarming.
- Come on, Henry.

Lesson two, these are girls.

My Lady Hawke is out there somewhere.

Okay, I don't know what you're
talking about and I'm not wet.

It's the worst place to be as a woman.

Okay, so, lesson three.

If you don't have
anything cool to say...

say nothing and wink.

That's your face's way of saying...

"I have got a huge donk."

Ooh! This is a perfect girl to try on,
she is a nerd. Billie?

I heard everything you just said.
I was right there.

I'd like to introduce you
to some friends of mine.

Oh... hi.

- He has huge junks.
- Okay.

Come on, guys.

- Hey, Billie.
- Hi, girls!

Jesus, where did they come from?
Was that magic?

Billie, aren't you gonna be late
for your : o'clock class?

Oh, um, well, it's actually not
for ten minutes, but thank you.

We can walk you over right now.

We're on our way to... science.

- That sounds made up.
- Ssh.

What can we bring to the
party tomorrow night?

- Condoms!
- Shh!

No one talk, all right?

Although, we should bring condoms.

I don't want to run into that situation.

Um, so...


- Tell them.
- Okay.

Uh, turns out the party's... canceled.

The truth, Billie.

All right,
the Septeth Circle Ceremony...

is for sisters only, so...

Isn't the Septeth Circle a ritual...

from the Teal Planets of Gnar?

- Oh, I don't...
- (HISSING)

Billie, you dropped something...
our friendship!

She can't hear me.

You guys are terrible with women.

And why aren't we all wearing our robes?

Okay, explain it to me one more time,
as if I was stupid.

But just to be very clear,
I'm super big-brained.

It's a science fiction fantasy
series by Grace Jones...

Oh... Strang-ay!

Billie and I like to
invoke her all the time.

- Different Grace Jones.
- Oh.

That takes place on
the planet of Gnar...

where the Omega Sisterhood
ritualistically sacrifices...

one virgin every year to remain chaste.

I read it every summer while
my parents are in Cabo.

A bunch of prostitutes kind
of turned it into this...

"born-again virgin"
religious movement in the 's.

It was real weird.

Whoa... pictures.

Where did it start?

It looks like they
started at the breasts...

because there's a lot
of attention to detail.

- Not the picture, Gene.
- Yeah, I know.

It started here.

Should we call the police?

Yeah, I mean, they're not gonna
actually sacrifice somebody.

I mean, if they are,
it feels like a college campus...

is a stupid place to look for a virgin.

- Huh-huh... yeah.
- Right, yeah, no.

That's true.

Wait a minute...

Any bats in the belfry?

Uh... no.

- (CLEARS THROAT)
- Oh!

- It's time.
- Wear this.

Oh... that's pretty.

Um... could I have a moment
to change alone...

or maybe just a larger
shirt to change under?

- Drink.
- Okay... more Quiet Time?

Okay... gulp, gulp, gul...

I'm just not very thirsty.

- No, no, no, no...
- Oh...

Thank you, that was helpful.

Got it all in there.

It's not gonna turn me
into a vampire, is it?

(EERIE MUSIC PLAYING)

Oh, who wore it best? Am I right?

Not important.

I'm here on totally casual...

non-science fiction-related business.

Is Billie here?

- No.
- I see her.

She's unavailable.

What did you beautiful
creatures do to her?

Wow. I thought you knew her.

I... I do know her.

- Billie sleepwalks.
- I know.

She just looks like...

Like she's sleepwalking.
We're taking care of her.

She's fine.

Okay... Bil... Billie?

Hey, weirdo, why the long beard-o?

What?

Sorry, they don't always land, honey.

- Oh, that's okay.
- So, what's up, young pup?

Well, I thought Billie was in danger...

like the little girl
from Stranger... Things.

Dang it! Why am I such a good wordsmith?

I don't know, but if she is in danger...

you don't seem too worried about it.

Nah, I think I just letting my
imagination get the best of me.

- Oh, yeah, maybe it did, maybe...
- Yeah.

But, you know,
maybe the best of you knows...

that she really needs you, comprende?

Are you speaking Italian?

No, I'm not speaking It...

Look, all I'm saying,
that you should trust...

your instincts on this one,
go with your gut.

Your gu... your gu...

I still don't know what's happening.

For god's sake, ju... go get her!
She's in a cult, okay?

Oh, okay.

Oh... oh, God.

Not yet... but I will be.

We all will be...
except for you... you'll be dead.

Dead? No, wait!

Look, I don't know
what's going on here...

but you wouldn't k*ll me!
You like me, remember?

Rem... clogs... clogs!

[BLEEP] your clogs!

Tonight, we as sisters are born again.

As we shed the blood
of a virgin elder...

we restore our hymens and start anew,
pure and wholesome.

Hey! I'm not a virgin!
I'm not a virgin! I'm not...

Okay, all right, you know what?

I see where the confusion
might have come from...

but that is old news, sister, okay?

I am a sex person now! I do sex!

I do sex! I do so much sex!

Either way, this is really sad.

By the power of Grace Jones,
we are virgin once more!

She was very sexually progressive!

She would hate this!

(MONASTIC CHANTING)

Om...

(CHANTING CONTINUES)

Ah... What is that? No.

What is that? Oh... no, please.

You know what? I did it.

His name was Brett and
we did it in a T-shirt!

It's so specific and pathetic...

that I almost want to believe her.

I am specific and pathetic! Believe me!

Silence!

The serpent's lies can't free
her from the hand of God.

I hope you didn't like living.
Bye, Billie.

Or hi, Billie.

- Gene!
- What?

That was a rhyme... and a badass intro.

Get back, cult [BLEEP]!
Stay away from my slut.

- Thank you, Gene.
- You're welcome.

You can have her.

Oh, that was easy... like Billie.

See? See? You see?

- Come and get her.
- I... I am.

Hi, nice to meet you.

[BLEEP], you fat d*ck!

Gene, she's pregnant! Don't...

No, I'm not, bitch!

Don't call her a bitch, you fat bitch!

Hey, I think I'm gonna take off.

My chest is like kind of cramping, so...

We don't leave without Billie!

Well, you can always
go with her... to Hades!

Ahh!

Cult and nerd gender fight!

(MONASTIC CHANTING)

Someone let me out of here!

Come on, I want to hit someone!

Hey, nerd, release me!

Get him right in the tooth!

Oh, god, that hurts! Let's stop.

Billie!

Oh, [BLEEP]!

Oh, god.

By the power of Grace Jones!

No.

Billie, you did it!

- Got her with my clog!
- Totally clogged someone!

- Oh-ho-ho!
- We're the sole survivors.

- Wait, everyone d*ed?
- Yeah.

Ah, yeah, I'm just gonna go. I...
I am pregnant, so...

I've been saying that the whole time!

Well...

Eight female members
of the science fiction


chastity cult were
arrested earlier tonight...


for the attempted m*rder
of a supposed virgin.


Hey, thanks for saving me tonight.

Of course, I love you, ya turkey.

Agh... your face.

Yeah, yours looks disgusting.

I look like I got in a
cool action movie fight.

You look like you grew up in a cave.

But that's in a cool action movie,
as well?

- No.
- There could be a cool...

cave action movie... I'd watch that.

Could you sports balm my back, please?

Yeah, of course,
I got your boobs, sister.

No, my back.

- No, I know.
- Balm me up!

Gentle, gentle. Don't pa... Don't hit.

Do you know what gentle means?

Yeah, not Jewish.

Give me the balm.

- [BILLIE] Take a... train!
- [GENE] Train!

Give me the balm.

Hey, you're the...

You're... No, don't say it!

- I want to so bad...
- Don't say it!

Go to sleep right now!

Or I'm leaving. Don't say it.

You're the balm!

Billie, you're the balm!
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