02x07 - School's Out

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Idiotsitter". Aired January 2014 - June 2017.
"Idiotsitter" revolves around a young woman who is hired to babysit a rich woman's daughter who has been left alone in her father's mansion under house arrest.
Post Reply

02x07 - School's Out

Post by bunniefuu »

I gathered you all here
together because you are all

implicated in Mr. Body's
dastardly blackmail!

Did none of you deduce that
the others were involved, too?


Ones who are d*ad in the other room.

I bet it was Mrs. Peacock.

I would never trust a bird.

- Hedra!

Can you not see I'm watching
what's turning out to be...

the greatest movie of all time?

- Hedra!



Oh, god.

I just had a dream I
was a pregnant seahorse.

Oh, my god, me, too.

Oh, my gosh...
Hedra, I didn't know you liked...

anyone other than me.

Oh, I'm sorry, G.G.

I'm off for the summer,
so it's strictly dick-ly 'til fall.

School's out, you know?

What do you mean, school's out?


But I like it and I didn't like
it at first, but now I do...

and I think we should all
stay because I want us to.

I'm Dev, by the way.

I know. You've introduced yourself
so many times.

Where are you go... No! Hedra!

I'm right here! No!

Don't... Okay, it's happening.

[GENE] Stop looking at me.

I hate both of you so much!


- Mm, mm-hm.

All right, bye-bye. Yes, yes!

You wanted to see me?

- Ah, and now I do.
- Yeah, it's a great joke.

- Hi, sorry!
- Oh, hi!

I'm trying to fix Paula.

- Oh, we're not hugging.
- That's what I named the printer.

- Okay.
- Well, have a seat, Ms. Brown.

You can move my bicycle if
you need a little extra room.

Sure, I'll...

- Put her over there.
- Just anywhere?

Lift with your back. There we go!

All right.

This is just an informal
end-of-the-year evaluation...

that I like to do.

Dean Arnold's office.
Oh, hi, is this the I.T. guy?

Ah, thank Jerusalem.

All right, question number one;
do you like being a teacher?

Ah, no, I don't like it. I love it. Ha!

- The printer's acting up...
- It's a joke.

ever since I spilled the
slightest amount of soup on it.

Do you feel as though you could
do anything else with your life?

Uh, you're not gonna f*re me, are you?

- Oh, no! No, no, no.
- Oh, okay.

That's crazy.

No, I don't know what kind of soup...

- Orange?
- Do you have a backup plan...

if teaching does not work out?

I don't. It really feels like you, uh...
are gonna f*re me.

Oh, my god, oh, my god,
it's making this horrible sound.

- Hold on, I'm gonna fix this now.
- May I just say something?

- This'll do it.
- I'd really rather you did not.

- I just want to say that...
- Hold on.

- ...even if I could do something...
- Ow! Hold on.

...else, I wouldn't,
because I was born to teach.

Teaching is in my blood,
I have teacher blood.

Oh, no, no, no, no,
there's a woman here...

she's giving a very lengthy speech.

She has some type of blood disease.

No, I don't have a blood disease.
I just...

I'm so sorry,
I'm on a very important business call.


I'm so sorry,
there's quite a bit of soup on it now.

- Okay.
- I meant no. I... I...

Thank you for letting me
come pack, Dana.

I know it's been a little tense...

since the whole sleepwalking incident.

And I appreciate how
well you're handling it.

[DANA] Oh, you're welcome, Wilhemina.

Um... and you know, maybe next year...

we can start to be friends again.

Oh, you're coming back?

Yeah, why wouldn't I be?

Well, I hear
they're making a lotta cutbacks.

I mean, first years
are usually first to go.


(GULPS) Who's that?

- I don't know.
- That could be a predator.

- You're holding a knife.
- Don't answer that.

I'm not expecting anyone.

"To Billie and Dana"!

Uh, that's a federal offense
to read someone else's mail.

It's addressed to both of us,
like we're a couple.


"You've been invited to an
End-of-the-Year Honors Party...

at the Library tonight...
dress slutty slash old timey."

Is this a thing?

If it is, I've never heard of it.
Stay on your side.

Well, I doubt they invite teachers...

who aren't coming back next year.

You wanna check it out together?

- I'm pointing a knife at you.

Your loss... I'm gonna party.

- My god, is that how you dance?
- Yeah.

- Ow, ow, my hip. Ow.


Hey, guys.

Am I early?

I came on time as to avoid
the cats and dogs outside.

So no one dressed slutty and old-timey?

Oh, I did! And I'm already having fun!

As much as I loved the
bike ride over here...

Oh, by the way, I, uh...
I got a new bike.

I know, I moved it.

What is going on here?

I thought you said
this was mandatory, Timothy.

That's what the letter that I got said.

I got a letter, too.

Who would hang chains
on the bookshelves...

that aren't chaining anything up?

Welcome to the m*rder
Mystery Escape Room!

Oh, are you serious?
Come on, this turnout sucks butt.

I invited like a hundred
and a half people.

- You did this?
- Yes.

All right,
you guys wanna get out of here?

- Yes.
- Of course.

Wait, no, no, no!
I promise it'll be fun!

Wait. Timothy,
you're gonna be Professor Grapes.

Oh, I've always wanted
to be a professor.

- You can be the sexy maid.
- Ooh, I love sex!

Billie, you can be Miss Charlotte.

No, that's a stupid name. Stop.

Dean Arnold, you're my favorite,
Colonel Mayonnaise.

No, no, no, no, I'm not.

And you're Mrs. Pussywillow.

Oh, I love pussies!
I have a Scottish Fold.

Okay, I think I speak for
almost everyone here...

when I say that no one's into this plan.

You have minutes to
figure out all the clues...

and unlock all the locks...

including this lock on this very door...

or else you'll never escape the room!

Your time starts now.

- No!
- No!

Don't swallow it, you idiot!

Oh, my god, she's choking on it!

What are we all yelling about?


Oh... oh, they make that
look so easy in kids' movies.

How are we supposed
to get out now, Gene?

You figure out the clues and then
you use the... you use the...

Right... right.

- Agh!

Somebody do something!

Oh, I thought that would work.

Wait a minute... Windy!
Windy has a key! Where's Windy?


My office! Windy! Windy!

Oh, Windy, thank god you're here.

Do you have a spare key?

[MAN] Windy left already.

Do I know you?


I mean, yes... you do.

Um, you recommended I not
be hired by your colleague.

Do you work here now? Did you hire him?

- I did.
- Great.

Welcome to... Welcome aboard.

I'm having so much fun.

Ugh... it's going to voicemail...

campus security must be gone already.

Okay, so, let me get this right,
okay, Gene?

- Okay.
- Okay?

So, you invited all of us to a party...

and then you locked us in a room
so that we would bond so much...

that we wouldn't want to leave school?

- Sure.
- Okay, no!

Don't just say "sure"
casually like it's some normal plan.

Look, okay,
I was watching a movie last night...

where there was a bunch
of people in it...

with names like the ones
that I gave you guys...

and they were all locked in a house...

and they had like the best frickin'
night of their lives.

Okay, and I can't remember the
name of the movie right now.


Uh, it's a m*rder mystery,
they all drink soup in it.

- Clue.
- It's monkey's brain, actually.

- Ooh my, the soup's delicious.
- Clue.

- Tim Curly's in it...
- I'm the maid!

Ugh, tits.


So, you were hired to replace someone...

in the history department,
but you don't know who it is?


- Is it me?
- I honestly don't remember you.

I'm Billie Brown.
I guest lectured in your class...

and you recommended they not hire me...

and you fined me for smoking.

Well, you are pretty smoking.

I know... thank you.

You're very welcome.

Uh, hey, sorry to interrupt...
that thing...

but Professor Cal, I'm wondering
if you could come help us out?

I would love to help you, Dean.

Oh, I can help, too.

No... no, don't worry
about that, Billie.

You see, Professor Cal or Prof Cal...

he's kind of great at
this sort of thing.

Yes, well, I'm a survivalist.
I was on Naked.

On what?

A little television show,
Naked and Afraid?

But I was only one of those things.

- It was naked.
- Right.

Um, I think Windy has some tools, so...

I'll just look for 'em,
'cause I can jimmy the lock, I think.

- If he can't figure...


Billie is the m*rder!

I'm not the m*rder, Bea.
No one m*rder.

I just got a screwdriver.

I'll text my boy, Bodhi.
He can open anything.

We used to do banks jobs together...

- to fuel our endless summer.
- Oh, wow.

Did he just act like
he lived Point Break?

Yeah, that's the plot of Point Break.

Hah-hah, he's just out surfin'...
my guy.

He's around.
He'll be here in a couple hours.

- Great.
- What should we do until then?

We could switch jackets.

Why would I do that with you?

For... fun.


- Actually, I don't want to.
- Oh.

Who's ready for another
drinky or a cracker?

I wish there was a spread like
this in the Bolivian rainforest.

I used to chew tree bark
and call it "jungle gum".

I never have I ever
had this many drinks.

[TIMOTHY] This is fun.

Uh, Timothy,
that is not how that game works.

Tell us another story.

Well, so there I was, I was naked...

Bunch of monsters.

I spent all this time making
the coolest escape room...

and instead they're playing
a child's drinking game.

I might not have a job.

Are you listening to
my important problem?

One day you're living the dream,
and then it's cutbacks and Cal!

I don't understand your story at all.

But I don't need to be caught up.

He's replacing someone in
the history department, Gene.

That could be me.

Ooh! A mystery!

Okay, let's gather everyone together...

I'll solve it and then
everyone'll be like, Gene...

you're so good at mysteries,
let's never leave school.

That's not the point.

The point is, no one leaves this room...

until I know I have a job
next year or they're...

Yeah, say it, Billie.

They'll be in trouble with me.

In trouble enough to k*ll?

Stop talking about your stupid mystery!

You need to help me figure this out.

- Ow... ow, ow.

I'm sorry, that's too hard.

No, no, no, it's my stomach, okay?

It's not agreeing with the key.

All right, Billie, I'll do it.

I'm gonna take on the case of
the possibly unemployed woman.

- Thank yo...
- Oh, god!

I have major key belly.

- Can you hear it?

- Yeah.
- Does it sound like Christmas?


Never have I ever been stung
by a bee and my name's Bea.

Isn't that funny?

Your voice sounds made up.

Never have I ever had a moment
of fear, doubt or regret.

- Cheers.
- Cheers.


- [BILLIE] Cheers.
- [CAL] Cheers.

- Cheers.
- [CAL] Cheers.



Never have I ever had to
f*re someone in this room.

Mm, like you.


- (THUD)

(GASPS) Agh!


Everybody relax!

He's fine, he's just passed out.

That's not how you take a pulse.

- Yes, it is.
- Who punched him?

[BILLIE] Who punched him?

You're jumping ahead, Miss Charlotte.

Don't call me that.

The real question is, who had a motive?

- All of you!

You all want to keep your jobs,
so you all had a motive.

But who revealed that one
of you would lose your job?


But who gave Timothy the
loose juice to make him talk?


But who invited Bea.

- Me!

Well, I didn't...
I mean, I didn't do that.

- Ugh! My tummy!

Billie, I'm too weak.
I don't know how much time I have left.

That's okay.
Hey, Cal, when's your friend coming?

I don't know, my phone died.

Wanna go in my office and smoke a J?

That's my office! And no drug-doing!

Ah-ite, then I'm gonna bounce.

- Excuse me.
- Bounce?

- We're locked in...
- What?

It might calm you down, dear.

Would you shut up, you stupid bitch!

All you do is...
I'm sorry, I always lash out at you.

I just... Something about your fac...

Would you wake up,
you bike-riding assh*le!

[CAL] Yo! Check this out!

Well, I'll see you monkeys on
the other side of the jungle.

- Peace.
- [TIMOTHY] Wait, wait, wait...

No, I think that's a bad idea.

Why are you going in two-feet first?

'Cause I'm not a g*dd*mn amateur.

- Peace!
- He just keeps saying peace.

Close it as I'm leaving.

I think that leads to the furnace.

- Pay-ce!
- Bye.


- [CAL] I'm all right!
- Oh.

- [CAL] Oh, no!

So you're telling me that you
don't remember five minutes ago...

when I said never have I ever
had to f*re someone in this...

room, and then you drank and
threw whiskey at Dean Arnold?

Okay, the point of that story is,
there's no conclusion.

- I will make out with you.
- Hey, no, stop!

- I will!
- Please don't! Please don't!

Please stop!
Stop, stop, stop, no, no, no!

- Ugh!

It's getting painful.

Do you have anything
that settles key belly?

Let's see what Billie has over here.


A hernia pillow,
a cloudy baggie of vitamins...

Billie is such a loser.
Don't you just love her?

- Not really.
- Uh-oh.

Oh, where is the library bathroom?

Just passed the door with
the giant lock on it.

Holy sh... no, no, no.

I know you know something!

Tell me or there will be consequences!

What's happening?


Windy, stop!

Oh, sorry, my bad...

My ear buds must have
gotten caught on your neck.

g*dd*mn you, Eduardo!
Where did you come from?

I was in the back of the library.

I was studying for my final tomorrow.

- Really?
- Yeah.

And I was also learning
French on my headphones...

- at the same time.
- No, you weren't.

I swear, on Ricky Martin's sexuality,
I swear.

Okay, what else were you doing?

I got freaked out after the
third time the lights went out.

So I said to myself, "Hey, man,
I'm gonna make a run for it."

And I ran, I got tangled on her,
and now I'm here.

On a side note, I'm super high.

There it...
There it is, there it is, he's high.

Side note for me,
I was a little bit into that sexually.

- Don't encourage him.

Oh, my god! Is he waking up?

Hey! Uh, Dean Arnold? Dean Arnold?

Who are you f*ring? Who are you f*ring!

Jesus, take it down a notch.

- Oh...

I don't think that noise
came from his body.

Oh... oh, that hurt a little.

No, it's fine.

- Agh!
- Gene?

- Oh, god! Oh, it's time.
- What time?

- Shit o'clock...
- Oh my god.

Oh... Oh, god!

Can you all...
can you all hum or something?

Ah! Eduardo!

- Ah!
- Ah!

No! No, that sounds worse!

That sounds worse than
what's about to happen.


Oh! Oh! Oh, no!

- Okay... Oh, god!
- It's happening.

Billie, hold my hand!



I have a rip!

- It's out.

I did it.

Gene! Gene!

- Billie...
- Gene...

- Billie.
- Gene.

Did everyone have fun?


Did everyone bond?

Not really.

Turns out it was me...

in the library...

with the shit...

I hope those aren't your last words.

- Tell my story, Bill.
- What?

Tell my stor...


We gotta get her to the hospital!

We gotta get her out of here!
What do we do?

Okay, the key. Eduardo!

- No.
- No. Pamela?

- Timothy.
- No.

- Eduardo!
- Who are you?

- Pamela!
- Hm.

- Get the key!
- Oh, come on!

Okay, okay.


- No, no, no, no, no!


I get that.


Holy sh...


Call an ambulance! Call an ambulance!

I'll take it from here.

Dr. Lowe? What are you doing here?

What does it matter?
The woman I love is dying.

Now take your poopy hands off of her!

I just saved her li...

- You saved my life.
- Yes, yes, I did.

What, Eduardo? What?

Uh, Dean Martin or whatever, woke up.

Are you coming?

- Yeah, it's ju...
- Now!

- She didn't even wipe, buddy.
- Eduardo!

Didn't even wash her hands.

- He's old.
- He's crazy.

Please, somebody call an ambulance!

Dean Arnold... who are you letting go?

- Me.

Oh, I'm gonna miss,
you know, whoever that is.

- Eduardo.
- Yes, I found out earlier.

Why do you think I cold-cocked him?

Dean Arnold fired me...

in the classroom...

because of sexual
harassment with a minor.

That's disgusting.

You just stuck your hand
into a pile of shit.

What's the word, little turd?

Too soon. JK. Simmons.

Hey, where'd you go?
You ghosted so hard.

Oh, right, yeah... I went back
to run the family business...

the Oreo factory.

My brother Beau and I,
we never really got along...

and so we decided to
split the business...

Oh, I can't get into the
whole story right now.

I just shit a giant
key out of my butthole.

But maybe later.

All right, I'll let you rest.

Oh, could we have a minute?
Just for a second.

Why is he mean-mugging me?

Did you do something shitty?

- Good one.
- Thanks.

Hey, do you still have your job?

Yeah, he fired Bea.

Bea? Doesn't sound familiar.

The British woman, we've been
hanging out with her all night.

No... no clue.

Are you feeling okay?

Yeah, I wasn't...
and then, short story, I was.

Feeling good,
because they gave me a-drugs.

- A-drugs?
- And I didn't just have one.

I had... I had a family of them.

Hey! Everyone had
a really good time, Gene.


- I love you, Gene.
- I love you, too, Miss Charlotte.

- Really, I don't like that name.
- Why?

It's a stupid name for stupid people.

Yeah, you're right,
only bitches are named...

- Charlotte.
- Charlotte.


Ugh... come on, guys.

Litter bugs, god dang it.


What are you doing?
I was throwing that in the trash.

- Oh.
- There's a maggot in it.

Oh. Okay.

Thought it was an apple for the teacher.

See... see you next... yeah.

See ya next year, Gene.

Helen Hunt?

- [BILLIE] Take a... train!
- [GENE] Train!

- Can you hear it?
- Yeah, I hear it.

It's going like...

It's like I can't hear it. You're crazy.
Post Reply