02x03 - Duck Soup

[bunniefuu]

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

(ALARM RINGING)

(SLURPING)

(LIGHTSABERS BUZZING)

(expl*si*n)

(SIGHS)

No, no, you guys don't!

I was just settling down
to watch Cynthia Mills

do the six o'clock news.
I don't think so.

Well, that's great

'cause as soon as her boring
news program is over

we get to watch the hilarious
antics of Zippy Winds!

(GLEEFUL SCREAMING)

ANNOUNCER: Live from our studios
in downtown Sacramento

with our Action News team

anchor Cynthia Mills

sports with Sluggo Bydell

and Zippy Winds
with the weather.

(CHEERING)

Time for the KSAC News.

Good evening, Sacramento.

I'm Cynthia Mills
with tonight's news.

Isn't she great?

She's so honest and intelligent
and hard-hitting.

Our top story...

Horticultural history
was made today

as the town of Gilroy

unveiled the world's
largest garlic clove...

Oh, it's so hard-hitting
and honest, and...

Yeah, well, it's
a slow news day.

And for our young newshounds

don't forget to send in
your audition tape

so you can be
my junior reporter.

Don't worry, Cynthia,
I am on it.

Wait, you're going to be
her junior reporter?

Well, first I need
to submit a tape.

You know, with some sample
news coverage?

But I have some great ideas.

You know, the Wombat Report?

All that experience
is paying off.

Dude, you get to meet Zippy!

Dude, don't call me "dude."

And, yeah, probably...

but I... I... that's
not on my list of priorities, really.

Ren, you need to promise us
on all that's holy

that when you
get the job...

and I know you will,
you'll get it...

-Thanks.
-...no matter what

you will introduce us
to Zippy Winds.

Promise. Scout's honor,
do it right now.

"I swear..." Ren?

-Fine, okay.
-Yeah!

But I don't see
what the big deal is.

-I don't even know what you...
-Shh!

And now for a peek
at our local forecast

here's our very own Zippy Winds.

(CHEERS)

(GOOFY MUSIC PLAYING)

Hey, Weather Heads!

-Yeah! Zippy!
-Zippy!

Let's look into
Zippy's weather chest

and see what's blowing our way,
shall we?

(HOWLING WIND)

Hey, look, it's my biggest fan!

It really is!

(HYSTERICAL LAUGHTER)

Let's take a quick look
at the temperature, shall we?

(BUBBLING NOISES)

Oh, I'm fine,
thank you for asking.

Let's check the barometer,
shall we?

-(SQUEAKING)
-You get it!

It's a bear...
with an "ometer" in it!

You get that one?!

Now, seriously, folks

today's forecast is...

(EVIL LAUGHTER)

Moisture!

(CIRCUS MUSIC PLAYING)

This is the stupidest thing
I have ever seen, ever!

Ren, that's what Zippy's
all about.

He's a celebration of stupidity!

Moisture!

(HYSTERICAL LAUGHING)

(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)

Hello, I'm Dr. Anre LaGrans

and welcome to
Look Smart, Be Smart,

the video that teaches you
how to appear intelligent.

Neat-o.

Are you tired of being
an airhead?

Totally.

Do you want to be respected
for your brain?

-Yes.
-Are you talking

to the television right now?

No.

Let's begin.

Reach into your box
of intelligence

and remove the spectacles.

Glasses.

Oh.

Well done.

You're looking smarter already.

Hey, there's Tawny.
Let's ask her, okay?

Hey, Tawny, would you mind

if I interviewed you
for an audition tape?

Uh, no, sure, go right ahead.

Okay, cool.
Ready?

All right...
three, two, one.

Hi, I'm Ren Stevens inside
Lawrence Junior High School

to ask kids what they think
about the hot topics of today.

Now, you are?

I'm Tawny Dean.

Tawny, many people think

that using the wombat
as our school mascot

is not only degrading
to wombats,

-but to all living creatures.
-Your thoughts?

Well, yeah, I think I'd
have to agree with that.

I mean, why should an animal
be put up to ridicule?

And, after all, if a wombat
dressed up like a human

and jumped around
like a doofus

I'd be pretty insulted.

Hmm... that's fascinating.

Thank you, Tawny.

Twitty, if Ren does
that lame mascot story

we'll never get
to meet Zippy.

Dude, dude, man, she should
do her story on bacon, bro.

-Why bacon?
-Everybody loves bacon, you know.

It's like, it's crispy,
and it's salty, and it's like...

it's nature's candy.

It's sweet.

(DOORBELL RINGS)

I'll get it.

Well, if it isn't little
Bernard from next door.

It's Beans.

Mmm, do you smell bacon?

When asked a question,
do not blurt out

the first thing
that comes to mind.

Take a moment to ponder

and stroke
your chin thus. Hmm.

Remember,
for all anyone knows

you might be
a bona fide genius.

What part of bacon
don't you understand?

Hey, for all you know,
I might be a bona fide genius.

BEANS: Yeah, right.

Oh, dude, what if
your sister did a report

on that kid from Fulsome that got
his shirt caught in the wood chipper?

No, it was an old shirt.
I remember that.

-Hmm, I sure like bacon.
-No, Beans.

Ah, see, though,
he likes the bacon, man?

Beans, you can't;
we're thinking.

Let me help.

Beans, you can't help.

-This is big-boy thinking.
-Ah, come on.

For all you know,
I might be a bona fide genius.

(CHUCKLES)

A bona fide genius, yeah...

Come here.

(WHISPERING)

Wait a second.

All you said was,
"Psst, psst, psst."

Yeah, I know.

I'm k*lling time
working out the details.

If I'm involved,
it's going to cost you.

Name your price.

I want to sleep over
at your house.

(GROANS)

All right, fine. Agreed.

And the rest of that bacon.

(SIGHS)
Okay, major crops, major crops.

I can do this;
major crops in Philippines.

I feel there's trouble...

Okay... Okay...

Oh, hi, Beans.

-You need something?
-Negative.

Well, I sort of have
a humongous report due tomorrow

on the Philippines

so, uh, I need you to skedaddle.

Okay?

Uh, is something the matter?

Philippines;
the island also known

as the Pearl
of the South Pacific.

Yeah, yeah, that's exactly right.
How did you know that?

It just kind of came to me.

Oh, okay.

It's a shame you don't know
anything about the major crops.

Major crops... major crops...

TWITTY: (OVER TRANSMITTER)
The major crops of the Philippines

are rice, sugar cane

bananas and coconuts.

Rice, sugar cane,
bananas, and...

Coconuts!

Coconuts.

That's exactly right.

Hey, when you two
are done wasting time

Beans and I got some
gravy balloons to fill.

Hey, Louis
come here.

Did you know,
that our little friend here

is extremely bright?

Who? Beans?

The Philippines
is an archipelago

consisting of , islands.

This is amazing. He's right.

So what? He knows some stuff
about the Philippines.

-Come on, Beans. Let's go fill balloons.
-No, no...

Okay, Beans,
do you know anything else?

Yes, I do.

There are bones
in the human foot.

The metatarsals,
the medial malleolus...

This is great.

The boy is
a walking encyclopedia.

This is exactly the story
that I need

that's going to put me
on the junior reporter seat.

The heel bone,
calcaneus

the talus, the navicular,
the cuboid, the phalanges.

Wow, Beans, can you name

the five last Japanese
Sumo wrestling champions?

Hmm...

That would Aki Bono,
Takanahama...

I've seen enough.

Excellent work...

Junior Reporter.

Guys, I got it.

(CHEERS)

So... so when do
we get to meet Zippy?

Oh, I don't know.

What? Ren, you promised us
on all that was holy.

I know, I know, okay, fine.

Just come in tomorrow.

BOTH:
We're going to see Zippy!

Wait! I didn't tell
you the cool part.

What?

Cynthia Mills is having me
do the Beans story on the news.

Oh... well, what's that mean?

I am going to interview
Beans live on the air.

And soon,
everyone is going to see

how smart you really are,
my little genius.

But I'm not really...

Photogenic.

Oh, yes, you are,
buddy, aren't you?

Yes, I am, Ren.

I'm very photogenic.

Are you going to disappoint
everyone?

No... no, I'm not gonna.

-What are we going to do?
-Dude, I don't know.

, , , ...

Beans, enough.

I can't stop till
I get to a trillion.

Would you just go
to sleep, Beans?

No way!

You're not supposed
to sleep at a sleepover.

Beansie, we
got work to do.

Can you please be quiet
for five seconds?

That's all I'm asking,
five seconds.

-(IMITATES ENGINE REVVING)
-Now, Twitty. Listen.

We can make this work...

We can make this work.

All we have to
do is pull off

the Brainy Beansie routine
at the TV studio.

-That's all. All right?
-Dude.

I don't know, man...
this is live TV.

Don't you think
this is a little risky?

You know, I say we just
tell Ren the truth

and... she'll understand.

-You think?
-Yeah.

Oh, sure. I understand.

All right. Here's what
we're going to do. Okay?

We're going to take
the laptop to the TV studio

and feed Beansie
the answers through his hat.

What's in it for me?

Beansie, you already
got your sleepover.

That was for the first time.

The second time
is very expensive.

All right, what do you want?

Hmm.

Road trip!

Road trip! Road trip!
Road trip! Road trip!

Road trip! Road trip! Road trip!
Road trip!

Road trip! Road trip!
Road trip! Road trip!

(CHANTING SPEEDING UP)

Hello, Mother.

Hi, Don... nie. Uh...

Sweetie, when did you
start wearing glasses?

To appear intelligent
when asked a difficult question

simply ask the same
question back, you see?

When did you start
wearing glasses?

Son, we don't wear glasses.

Ah. That's what I thought.

Well, anyway, it was
very sweet of you

to take the kids
to the station.

Did you remember to
put gas in the car?

Try and work some big words

into your everyday
conversation.

For example,
"cornucopia"

meaning "bountiful."

Bountiful?

-"A lot of."
-Oh.

Well, as a matter of fact

I put a cornucopia
of gas in the car.

Good.

Do you know what you'd
like for dinner, Donnie?

How about a corn on the copia?

(LAUGHING)

Son, did you bump
your head on a dictionary?

Did you bump my head
on a dictionary?

I think he's wearing

his football helmet a
little too tight again.

I'll go check the
oxygen level in his room.

Yeah.

(SIGHS)

Aw...

Mommy loves you.

Ow!

Oh, no, no,
no, you don't.

He is not wearing that
stupid hat on television.

No, Ren, it's
not for style.

He needs it, okay?
It keeps his brain warm.

There's our superstar.

Our little

Bernard Aranguren.

Are we on TV now?

Uh... no.

Oh, no, that was just
a little genius humor.

(LAUGHING)

Do you have any bacon?

Um, that's just
his brain food.

Oh. Oh, Ren.

I want you to take
Bernard here

to the kitchen
and get him

a BLT before
we get started.

Right away.
Let's go.

Dude, there's Zippy.

No, no. Twitty, stop.

Listen, stop. Okay,
forget about Zippy.

Right now we have
to find a phone jack

to connect to
the Internet

and feed Beansie
the answers.

-Right.
-Right.

-Right.
-Right. Good.

Well, uh, Cynthia.

You certainly have a lot

of interesting
equipment around here.

Actually, we have a
cornucopia of equipment.

Yes.

Cornucopia, meaning "bountiful."

"A lot of."

So, tell me, how do
all these cameras work?

How do you
think they work?

Hey.

You were just
speaking to Cynthia.

Isn't she brilliant?

Uh, yeah.
Hey, you know, Ren

Cynthia may not be
all that you think she is.

What? Oh.

Donnie, I really don't
have time for this. Um...

Why are you
wearing glasses?

Hey, what are you doing?

Brushing up on
some geography?

No, I'm mapping
my road trip out to Reno,

"The biggest little
city in the world."

Who are you going
to Reno with?

Louis and Twitty.

It's part of my secret deal.

What secret deal?

Wire.

Plug this in.
Come on.

Which one's
the phone line?

I don't know. Pull wires first,
ask questions later.

Smart as a telephone pole.

Found it.

Nice.

Are we good?

(CHUCKLES) Sweet.

Yes, we're good.

Beansie? Beansie,
this is Sweet Lou.

Are you there?
Can you hear me? Over.

Oh, yeah. I can
hear you all right.

(SCREAMING)

-Okay.
-Start talking while you still can.

Just listen, all right?

Now, we thought you
wouldn't get the job

with the boring
mascot story

so we hooked you up
with Beansie.

-That's all.
-Yeah.

-Very simple.
-Beansie is a fake, Louis.

Right, but nobody
has to know that.

I mean, except for us.

The thing about being a reporter
is to tell the truth.

Now, that means I
have an obligation

to Cynthia Mills to tell her
what's really going on.

Agreed.

-Definitely.
-Yeah.

She wasn't as mad
as I thought she'd be.

And when I get back

I am going to put
a mean hurt on you.

I'm sorry.

Um, I need to talk
to you, Cynthia.

It's really important.

Uh, Ren...

I have
something to tell you

and because
I'm saying it, well

it's more important.

I'm taking over the Beans story.

What?

This is my ticket out
of Sacramento.

A story like this could
get me to the big time,

Cleveland,
where dreams come true.

Um, Cynthia. There's something
you should know.

Listen, kid.
I've paid my dues.

Now, it's time
for you to pay yours.

So, if you'll excuse me.

I have a show to do.

Hello, Cleveland.

This is Cynthia Mills
with the news.

See ya.

You know, I tried
to be truthful.

Tried to have integrity.

You okay?

You know, you were
right about Cynthia.

You know, that was
very insightful of you.

(CHUCKLES, STUTTERS)

That's like smart, right?

Oh, very much.

Cool.

Good evening.

Socrates, Galileo, Einstein...

Bernard Aranguren.

Possibly the four
greatest minds

to have graced this planet.

Is this my water cup?

Yes, it is.

Mmm! I like water.

Bernard...

You can call me Beans.

Beans. How charming.

Beans. So apparently

you are an expert
on a cornucopia of subjects.

Well, I don't know about corn,
but I especially like bacon.

(LAUGHING)

Brilliant and witty.

So, why don't we
show our viewers

some of your
amazing gifts?

Bernard,

what is
the square root of , ?

This many?

(LAUGHING)

(NERVOUS LAUGHTER)

Come on, my little genius.

Work with me here.

Question Number Two.

Name the capital
of Tasmania.

Okay. How about George?

That's my uncle's name.

Really, Bernard.
Let's get serious now.

Can you try and
concentrate?

Ow!

You're hurting
my arm.

Just kidding.

Can you say

anything smart?

Not without my hat.

Your hat.

Your hat. Who cares
about your stupid hat?!

You're ruining my career!

I'm going on a road trip!

Road trip! Road trip!
Road trip! Road trip!

Road trip! Road trip!
Road trip! Road trip!

Man, old Beansie
sure did a number on her.

Yeah. Yeah, but
she deserved it.

I mean, what
I did was wrong

but stealing my
sister's story?

Now, that is really,
really wrong.

You're still on
my pain list.

BEANS: Road trip!
You can't catch me!

I'll make bacon out of you,
you little monster!

...Isn't this the
funnest day ever?

Yeah, I know
I've never seen

an anchorwoman
get fired.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Look, Zippy Winds.

Mr. Winds!

We're, like, your
biggest fans ever.

Oh, my...

Isn't he the greatest?

Yeah!

Man!

So cool.

pounds of clay.

The common fruit fly.

The Galapagos Islands.

The Boston Red Sox.

The internal combustion engine.

Mesozoic.

A squared plus B squared
equals C squared.

Isosceles triangle.

Synchronized swimming.

Bacon?

Bacon!

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

(THEME MUSIC ENDS)