03x08 - Criminal Minds

[bunniefuu]

A statement and a question:

I have to pee, and how are
things with you and Todd?

I think it's good. I
started introducing him

to the Denise Richards film "Canon".

Last night, we watched
"Madea's Witness Protection."

Oh, I'm happy for you...
or as happy as I can be.

I've been feeling like sh*t lately.

Oh! A pizza place.

They have to let me use their bathroom.

And eat their pizza. At different times.

Ha, look at me. I'm
the queen of England.

Hey, where's your restroom?

Sorry. Employees only.

But... I'm pregnant.

Yeah, she's pregnant.

You are?

- Oh, of course you are.
- Okay.

- It's in the basement.
- Let me help you down the stairs.

Hey, be careful with my
wife on those stairs.

We want to keep it this time.

Aw, sweetie.

Just, please, be careful.

Hey, let go of me!

[GROANS]

Are you dead?

[MOANS]

Okay, I'm gonna take that as,

"I'm fine, pee somewhere else,

and steal some garlic
knots on your way out."

I am way ahead of you.

[DRIVING PUNK ROCK MUSIC]

♪ ♪

Snapple Facts, it's : in the morning.

You've been watching "Criminal
Minds" for six hours?

My depression has reached
procedural marathon levels.

This one isn't so bad,
though, for a No Paget.

A No Paget?

Yeah, Paget Brewster keeps leaving.

"Criminal Minds" and coming back.

I read an interview with her.

She said she kept coming
back to "Criminal Minds"

because that's when she
was happiest in her life.

I just wonder what my
"Criminal Minds" is.

May I ask you your
advice on a work issue?

As you know, every PBS show ends with us

thanking Viewers Like You
for their donations.

You're assuming I've ever made it

to the end of a PBS show,
but okay, keep going.

So I pitched to Gaby
that we should write

personalized thank-you
notes to the viewers.

She told me not to, but they account

for % of our operating costs.

So I'm facing a moral conundrum:

Should I write the
thank-you notes anyway?

That's your moral conundrum?

I once shoplifted someone's
seizure medication

because I wanted the bottle.

Fudge it.

Gonna be a bad boy and write
those thank-you notes.

Are you a little turned on?

Yeah. Oh.

[MUSIC PLAYING ON TV]

- And that, my friend,
is "Blue Lagoon: The Awakening."

Denise Richards was barely in it.

And yet somehow it feels like

she still was in it a bit too much.

I'll see you tomorrow?

Or you could stay the night.

- A sleepover?
- [CHUCKLES]

We've only been dating
a couple of months.

- Oh, Billy.
- Who hurt you?

Fine.

Let's do it.

Sleepover.

[UPBEAT MUSIC]

MAN: ♪ This is it ♪

♪ Tonight's the night ♪

♪ The curtain's closed ♪

♪ We'll be all right ♪

Well, in the immortal words
of Anjelica Huston's

dance coach on "Smash,"

I'm sorry, this is just not working.

So you didn't get any sleep at all?

No. I felt like I was seven

and needed my mom to come pick me up

'cause I got scared watching
"Twilight Zone: The Movie."

What do you think John Landis'

worst contribution to society is:

His alleged manslaughter
or his son, Max?

[SIGHS] So this weekend,

we're gonna try to find
some neutral territory.

One of his clients is this big,
fancy hotel in Times Square,

so we're gonna have us
a little staycation.

Ooh, I love everything about that...

except Times Square and
the word "staycation."

So as long as I'm taking
this big swing at intimacy,

I figured I also might
as well Airbnb my place.

If things go wrong, at
least I can overcharge

some stupid tourists by %.

- Sit anywhere.
- Question everything.

- Specials on the board.
- Julie!

I have a meeting with my book editor,

and I need your permission
to print some photos

that you happen to be in.

Mom, this is literally
what email is for.

Okay, what about this one?

No, you can't print that!

I don't need anybody knowing
I went on a Disney cruise

with my mom when I was .

Oh, but my hair looks so good in that.

- I don't care.
- No, you can't print it.

Okay, well, what about this one?

It's the only one I have of you smiling.

Oh, look at me all happy
with my improv group.

[SIGHS] God, was I just
high all the time,

or was this my "Criminal Minds"?

Presenting Nola!

Bush did / . I'm angry. Politics.

What the f*ck?

Condragulations!

I'm auditioning for
"RuPaul's Drag Race."

You don't do drag, you
errant lube stain.

I do now.

I realized the only thing
standing in my way of becoming.

America's Next Drag Superstar
is a drag persona.

And what is a persona?

It's "person" with an
A at the end of it,

so it's a lady.

And what is drag but
making fun of ladies?

You are so f*cking stupid.

[LAUGHS] Tell us how you really feel.

[LAUGHS]

You know, now that I see my reflection

in this snake milker... butter Kn*fe,

I guess I could trim my wig

and be my Aunt Scorpion for "Drag Race."

- What do you think?
- Hmm? Me?

Oh, I have no feeling either way.

[LAUGHS] My Aunt Scorpion didn't
have any feelings either.

I mean, she was born without fingertips.

She raised me after my choir
teacher Jib Jab d*ed.

What a colorful group of friends

you choose to waste your time with.

Marilyn, I read your
chapters on your childhood.

- You're welcome.
- They're horrible.

Whole thing is boring,
self-indulgent sh*t.

And I had to read Anna
Kendrick's book proposal

for "Scrappy Little Nobody."

So what are you saying?

Maybe we put this book on hold.

So what are you saying?

There's nothing interesting
about your life.

So what are you say...

I'm saying that your
life story is too boring

and I won't publish it.

Well, I...

have so much more to tell.

I have stories about...
my Aunt Scorpion,

who raised me after my choir
teacher Jib Jab d*ed.

And none of them had any fingertips.

What?

With a crazy backstory like that,

why the hell are you
writing about the time

you thought you saw Jerry
Orbach at a Gristedes?

Note taken.

I am going to come back
with even more stories

about my fascinating
hillbilly childhood.

Hee-haw! Get her done.

Welcome, Airbnb-ers.

Come on in. Give you a little tour.

Don't fall too far behind.

Now, over here is the
formal dining area, okay?

And then over here is the boudoir.

It's one of those apartments,

doesn't look like much when you walk in,

but then you discover little
things, like over here...

is a bowl of change.

'Cause I went to the deli,
and I bought some milk

and just, you know,
some snacks and stuff,

and then I gave him cash, and
then he gave me back change,

and I thought, "I'm gonna
put it in a bowl."

And, you know, there is so much light.

In New York, it's very rare...
to have a window.

Sometimes I wake up
in the morning and...

[LAUGHING] I don't even know where I am.

Seemed a lot bigger in the photo.

Oh, no, for New York,
this place is huge.

Trust me. Okay, plus, you guys

are gonna be out doing tourist stuff.

You know, you just
need a place to sleep.

Can we have a minute alone to talk?

- Oh. Yeah, sure.
- Let me give you some privacy.

If you need me, I'll be
here in the en suite.

[SPEAKING GERMAN]

Okay, we will try it.

Oh, that's really great news!

Hey, where are you guys from?

Oh, you know what? I don't care.

Boy, that accent, though,

that is not comforting.

[UPBEAT ROCK MUSIC]

Oh, hi. Matthew... is it?

- Yes, it is.
- Yes!

- Now put it in lights!
- Oh!

[LAUGHS] Wait, you look familiar.

Which is the word I use for "Jewish."

Oh, you're Julie's sister!

And now we're best friends.

- Yasss!
- Yasss!

[LAUGHS] So what can I
do you for you, Diva?

I wanted to ask you out
to lunch tomorrow.

Oh, hon, I'm... I'm flattered,

but I take it up the ass.

I assumed.

I just have this weird feeling

that you and I could be good friends.

Well, as Jib Jab said
right before she d*ed...

[HOARSELY] "That ain't a bad idea!"

Ooh, tell me more about that!

Turns out, it was a bad idea

for her to jump into that swamp water.

I watched those gators

rip her body apart right in front of me.

At night, I can still hear her screams

when I close my eyes.

[HOARSELY] "Matty, help me.
They're pulling my legs off."

They're ripping my arms off now."

Oh, that's good.

- What?
- That's... wow.

And what could I do, you know?

I was... nine years old,

just standing there on the... on the...
on the side of the swamp

in a ball gown.

Probably the second-saddest
Christmas I ever had.

[LAUGHTER] MELISSA: Wow, Julie,

this reunion is so fun!

What a great idea to get together.

I just remember I was so
happy when we did shows.

Melissa, remember that sketch we did...

Oh, the nacho sketch? Yes!

BOTH: I don't theeenk so!

- I don't theeenk so!
- [LAUGHTER]

Do you guys remember my
bit about Carol Channing

at the dentist? She was like, "Hey"...

MELISSA: Ray, how old is your baby?

Uh, he's six weeks, and we already think

he has a learning disability, so...
yeah.

Oh, wow.

[AS CAROL CHANNING] Hello, molars!

[LAUGHING] Carol Channing.

Hey, remember that time
we went to Calgary

and they were like, "No improv allowed"?

[CELL PHONE BUZZING] RAY:
We were pretty f*cking rad.

- Oh, I have to grab this.
- I'm sorry.

[LAUGHTER]

RAY: It's like, "Speak English."

[LAUGHTER]

Hey, what's up?

BILLY: I'm in the hotel.

I can't sleep, but Todd can,

which means this is a "me" problem

and not an "us" problem.

"This is Us" is a big problem.

Why don't I just meet you in the lobby

with a sock full of Klonopin
and you can Cosby yourself?

I don't want to tear you away
from your improv reunion.

It's okay. I don't think
they're very happy to see me.

Maybe they never liked me

and we were all just so
high, I didn't notice.

P.S. Why did I stop smoking pot?

Because you were having panic att*cks

and decided you should have
your own show on Adult Swim.

Right. You know, maybe I was just happy

because of that whole improv
philosophy of "yes, and."

Maybe you should try saying "yes, and"

to whatever they're saying now.

What's the worst that could happen?

I don't know, I could end up

making the sequel to
"Don't Think Twice"?

Ooh. Maybe that's on pay-per-view here.

If that doesn't make me fall asleep,

then I've already d*ed and I'm a ghost.

[LAUGHTER]

Will, while we're coming clean,

I did steal your mullet wig.

ALL: Oh!

All right, during the
improv marathon of ' ,

I initiated a scene
with a premise in mind.

[LAUGHTER]

- Yes, and...
- while we're confessing, um,

Melissa, I f*cked your boyfriend.

[LAUGHING] Jesus.

Julie, that's a big one.

- Wait, which boyfriend?
- Not Ryan.

- Yes, and...
- not Ryan.

Was it Chuck?

Yes, and...

yes, it was Chuck.

I had no clue. When?

Uh...

Christmas Eve, .

Uh... Chuck d*ed that night.

You were the last person
to see him alive.

Yes, and... it has haunted me.

So you were with Chuck

when he fell down those stairs and d*ed.

Oh, is this really why you
wanted us all to get together?

- Yes, and...
- now that we are hanging out,

I'm actually having a good time,

so why don't you guys
come over tomorrow?

We'll watch some tapes of our old shows,

and we can all pretend we don't
notice how fat we've gotten.

Yeah? Yes!

All right! That's what I like to hear.

[AS CAROL CHANNING] Hello, molars!

[LAUGHS]

TODD: Well, neutral
territory didn't help.

- What?
- You were asleep all night.

No, I felt bad I suggested the hotel,

so I just pretended.

You stayed motionless for seven hours?

Who are you, Denise Richards
in "Starship Troopers"?

Should we just cut our
losses and go home?

I can't. I Airbnb-ed my place
for the whole weekend.

I keep forgetting how broke you are.

- Oh, that's funny.
- I think about it constantly.

All right, here's a pitch.

Why don't we just wear ourselves
out till we have to sleep?

What's the most exhausting
thing you can think of?

We can call my cousin
Jeannie and ask her

why she took a break from social media.

Or...

there's nothing more exhausting
than tourist bullshit, right?

Oh, my God.

We could pretend like we're
tourists for the day.

I could be someone who
owns a piece of clothing

- from Old Navy...
- Yes.

And you could be a teenage girl
who can't get an abortion.

[LAUGHING] Yeah!

Hi, I'm Todd. We're from New Mexico.

- Oh, hey, Todd.
- Oh!

- Hello.
- Hi, we've never been

to the big city, so we're very scared.

Oh, yeah? We've been here
a whole mess of times.

Oh, wow.

We just saw the greatest
show: "Gazillion Bubbles."

Though to tell you the truth,

it seemed more like a
gahundred thousand.

- Oh!
- [LAUGHTER]

Yeah, Lucy and I seen that "Othello"

at The Old Vic last year,

and this show made that
look like a hunk of sh*t.

Oh, well!

Thank you, Ben Brantley.

Hi, Ben.

Hey, if you wanna,

y'all are welcome to
hang out with us today.

Ooh!

[WITH BAD NEW YORK ACCENT] Like a couple

of real New Yorkers!

[LAUGHTER]

Well, I'm exhausted already!

[LAUGHTER]

MATTHEW: And then after the eighth time

that Aunt Scorpion swallowed
a bag of needles,

we started taking her
to the veterinarian.

I could listen to your stories all day.

And I could tell them all day,

but unfortunately, I have to
get back to my photo studio.

I've got to develop
some creep sh*ts I took

of Sigourney Weaver on the D train.

You have a photo studio?

Yeah, it's a little hobby I picked up

back when Jib Jab wanted
to be in "Hustler."

Ah. Well, maybe you could take
some pictures of me. I'd pay.

- Oh, sure, doll.
- You want the full beav?

I mean, I never pictured
you as a Hustler Honey,

but I bet I'd change my mind
once you opened your legs.

Oh, actually, I just
need an author photo.

So tits, glasses, pencil in mouth.

- That's it. That's it.
- Yup, got it.

Well, I can't wait to get some closure

on whether Jib Jab actually
made it into "Hustler."

- Did she?
- Well, they approved her,

and then her eyes fell.

- Speak up.
- [LOUDER] Her eyes fell.

- Wonderful.
- Right out of they sockets.

Mm!

And on behalf of PBS,

I thank you sincerely

for being one of the Viewers Like You.

[OMINOUS MUSIC]

♪ ♪

"Criminal Minds," Paget Brewster.

- Game change.
- I've stumbled upon a caper.

Every Viewer Like You
has the same address!

Arthur, what are you talking about?

My improv group is here.

Noodles, intrigue is afoot.

This is the most exciting thing
that's ever happened to me.

Yay, that's amazing.

Sorry about that.

So the food delivery guy sold me this.

I hope it's pot.

Hey, can you maybe not smoke that

near my special needs infant?

[EXHALES] Oh, all right, poindexter.

Any of you other fuddy-duddies
have requests from Yawnsville?

[LAUGHS] I love myself high!

Hey, Melissa, wanna take a hit

of To Bong Foo, Thanks For
Everything, Julie Kessler?

No, thanks.

Um, listen, Julie, I don't
want to bring the mood down,

but I'm in touch with Chuck's mom,

and we still have so many
questions about his death.

Oh, yeah, that's normal.

But, you know, we all came
here to watch the tape, so...

[AS CAROL CHANNING] Hello, molars!

[LAUGHS]

Um, do you remember Chuck's last words?

Did he mention his mom?

- Yes, and...
- he forgives her.

[BOTH GASP]

[EXHALES]

Oh, yeah! This is definitely pot!

[LAUGHS]

"Smoke me, Melissa."

[FUNKY MUSIC]

- What's that?
- Yes!

So you said that your aunt
didn't have any fingertips.

- Is that right?
- Correct.

You're cold. You're a
shivering little baby.

Brr!

- Bartender. Yes.
- Bartender.

And then the fronts of
your hands as well.

We thought we'd be on
that island forever...

You have lived a fascinating life.

And then you notice, "Oh,
my God, what time is it?"

And you spill the cocktail.

Do you come from a line of alcoholics?

- Ah, fabulous, fabulous.
- More. More, more, more, more.

- All right, I think we...
- we're good, then.

- Do you think we have enough?
- I don't.

- That did the trick.
- I'm exhausted.

In fact, I think I could take a nap.

- Yes! A nap!
- The snack of sleep!

We can't afford a full
meal, so we'll just graze.

Aw, Ed.

The fruitcakes are sleepy.

Oh!

My favorite thing about a nap

is dreaming about sleeping
next to this big guy.

I love sleeping next to Lucy.

I'm sorry, I have to ask.

Did you two ever have a problem
falling asleep together?

Absolutely not.

So how long have you been married?

- We're not married.
- I'm paying her.

I am Lucy, the vacation prost*tute.

- Yes, you are.
- Whoo!

My wife, on the other hand,
is a f*cking nightmare.

I can't sleep in the same
room with that woman.

Why did I marry someone
that I can't sleep next to?

Yes, we get it.

Thank you for illustrating
our fears with examples.

So which room we gonna go back to,

yours or ourn?

- What?
- Huh?

Well, why the hell would
you spend the day with us

if you didn't wanna swing?

Please tell me you're
referring to dancing along

to the Cherry Poppin' Daddies.

- No, group sex.
- Partner swapping.

Course, it'd be you two
double-teaming her.

I'd watch and do my business in a sock.

- I'm cornfused.
- Why are we in a hospital?

And why don't I have a
show on Adult Swim?

And why are we in a hospital?

Chuck didn't get along with his mom,

and you have new information.

So we're here to give her closure.

Meet Chuck's mom.

Oh, no.

[COUGHING]

Oh, she's really sick.

Hi, Mrs. Chuck.

You're gonna be the second member

of your family I watch die.

Julie, please.

You were with my Chuck?

What were his last words?

They were, "Tell my
mother I forgive her."

The last words he said to me were,

"I'll never forgive you."

Yeah, well, I don't know
what to tell you, lady.

That's what he said.

If Chuckles had to die

falling down a flight of stairs,

at least he was in the
company of his lover

and, yes, on a night his
beloved Yankees won.

I remember. He was so
happy about those Yankees

winning the ball game.

Anyway, closure, closure.

What a wonderful thing.

Okay, bye!

Hold on!

Chuck hated the Yankees almost
as much as he hated redheads!

Plus, it was Christmas Eve.

There are no baseball
games on Christmas Eve.

Julie, what's going on?

I'll tell you what's going on!

This c**t m*rder*d my son!

ARTHUR: Gaby, I'm sorry to drag you here

in the middle of the night,

but I found out something
very disturbing.

Every Viewer Like You

lives at the same address.

So I went there in the dead of night,

and you'll never believe
who lives there.

- Larry the Cable Guy.
- Larry the Cable... Guy.

You knew?

Everyone knows Viewers Like You

is a pseudonym for Larry the Cable Guy.

- We just don't talk about it.
- Why the secret?

I think people should
know what a hero he is.

Wrong!

Our fans don't want to know

Larry the Cable Guy is behind PBS

any more than his fans want
to know how passionate he is

about importing British
television shows.

Now, are you gonna
forget all about this?

Yes! Yes.

- I mean, forget what?
- That's right, kitty cat.

You play dumb.

One more.

Now get the f*ck out!

Okay.

[TENSE MUSIC]

♪ ♪

Matthew?

I got home, and I realized
I left some shoes...

[GASPS]

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]

♪ ♪

[WHIMPERS]

[BOTH GASP]

[BOTH GASP]

[BOTH SCREAM]

[BOTH GASP]

[BOTH BLOW RASPBERRY]

[BOTH HISS]

- Oh!
- You!

- Enough!
- Oh, my God!

My mirror's talking to me!

- I am not a mirror.
- I am Marilyn!

I am not a mirror.

I am Marilyn!

BOTH: Stop. Enough.

Are you really so stupid,

you don't realize this isn't a mirror?

This is so silly!

Matthew, you explain this to me.

[SIGHS]

You see, after Lola yelled at me,

I needed a new drag persona.

And I couldn't just make one up.

I was born without an imagination.

So, Marilyn, meet...

Dr. Marilicious.

So you've just been pretending
to be interested in me

so you could steal my identity

for your selfish little purposes.

Shame on you!

[SIGHS] How can I make it up to you?

Trust has to be earned, dear.

But you could start by telling
me how cousin Ponytail

preserved Jib Jab's eyeballs

in her famous homemade
formaldehyde stew.

I'm no closer to falling asleep.

I memorized the whole.

McDonaldland characters Wikipedia.

Do you know, in , they cut
off two of Grimace's arms.

- Oh, yeah, I knew that.
- Oh.

And I've now been on Instagram so long,

I just found my Airbnb-ers.

Oh, my God.

- They're nudists!
- What?

- Oh, my God, they're nudists!
- They're nudists!

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no!

He's using my remote to cover his d*ck!

Oh, nudists are worse than swingers

because their lifestyle isn't sexual!

And now they're rubbing their
balls and their labia flaps

all over every conceivable
surface of my apartment.

Listen, we can't sleep anyway.

Let's get those f*ckers
out of your apartment.

- God, German nudists!
- Ugh!

Let me screen grab his d*ck, though.

I'm telling you guys, for the last time,

I did not k*ll Chuck!

- Your facts kept changing.
- Your timeline is off.

I'm gonna call the police.

- No, don't!
- Listen, okay, I...

I just wanted to be happy
with you guys again, okay?

I... I never even met Chuck.

I just said that I f*cked him
because I was "yes, and" -ing.

How dare you use improv terminology

to cover up a homicide?

You're a m*rder*r!

No one would be so awful

as to lie to a dead man's dying mother

just to get attention
from an old improv group!

NICKY: Hey! Shut up!

Yo!

You're that pregnant bitch

that threw me down a flight of stairs.

I'll explain that one in a minute.

Wait a second.

You're pregnant and you're smoking pot?

No, I...

No, wait.

Look. See?

I couldn't have been with Chuck
on Christmas Eve of .

I was on a Disney cruise with my mother!

No one in their s goes on a
Disney cruise with their mother.

Check the time stamp.

sh*t. She's not lying.

So Chuck didn't forgive me?

This was all a lie?

You are a monster!

[SOBBING] Oh, my God!

- No, don't touch!
- No, no, don't!

- Oh, my goodness!
- No, no, don't do that.

Don't do that. It's okay.
No, no, no, no.

I hope you roast in hell,
you f*cking loser!

[UPBEAT ROCK MUSIC]

Billy, I've made a decision.

I am done with "yes, and" -ing.

I'm more of a "no, but" girl.

Well, not a no-butt girl.

More like a flat-butt girl.
Flat and wide.

You know those potato rolls
that come all stuck together?

Yeah, I've got, like,

four of those behind me, sometimes six.

Billy, found another pube
in the breakfast nook.

Julie, I got pubes in the nook,

and the Swiffer ain't doin' it.
I gotta go.

JULIE: No, no, no, wait. Let
me describe my ass more.

MAN: ♪ Ah! ♪

[FOXY SHAZAM'S "BOMBS AWAY"]

♪ ♪

MAN: ♪ Hear the sun crashing
down from the sky ♪

♪ Darkness crawls, coming
in from all sides ♪

♪ That's it, I quit ♪

♪ And all the targets have been hit ♪

♪ Our home, our vine ♪

♪ We'll all have vengeance time ♪

♪ Bombs away ♪

♪ Bo-o-ombs away ♪

One, two, three, four!

WOMAN: La, la, la, la.

Oh, my God.