02x14 - The Real Heartbreak

[bunniefuu]

Kenny: Whoever said
that time heals wounds

clearly never got dumped.

Ever since Brett broke up with me,

the world has stopped turning,
the birds have gone quiet.

Even the leaves have wilted away.

I mean, it's winter, but still.

I feel raw, like I'm trapped
in an early ' s music video.

[Roxette's
"It Must Have Been Love" plays]

♪ Lay a whisper ♪

♪ On my pillow ♪

♪ Leave the winter ♪

♪ On the ground ♪

♪ I wake up lonely ♪

♪ There's air of silence ♪

♪ In the bedroom ♪

♪ And all around ♪

♪ Touch me now ♪

♪ I close my eyes ♪

♪ And dream away ♪

♪ It must have been love ♪

♪ But it's over now ♪

♪ It must have been good ♪

♪ But I lost it somehow ♪

♪ It must have been love ♪

[Pounding]

♪ But it's over now ♪

Turn that damn song off!

- Ugh!
- It's seeping into my brain.

Yeah, in my dream last night,

I was about to do it with Blake Lively

when I started singing it to her.

So she turned me down.

And then she morphed into a crab.

And I screamed.

Well, it's Valentine's Day,

so someone has to make sure
Kenny doesn't walk into traffic.

I would watch him,
but I'm hanging out with Ethan.

Well, don't look at me.
I think it's a stupid holiday.

It's just a marketing ploy
to get people to buy chocolates

and teddy bears
and all those other things

people just don't need.

If that's your veiled attempt

of getting me to thin out
my teddy bear collection,

the joke is on you
because I just bought more!

Valentine's day is a completely
impractical holiday.

All you need is toothpaste
and a pack of tube socks,

which is what I will buy tonight

as we celebrate our yearly tradition

of going warehouse shopping at Valueco.

Well, I am going to honor
my first Valentine's Day

as a single man and not go to Valueco.

- Pat, no!
- Pat, yes.

I may be a little rusty,
but I am going out tonight.

Try to meet a woman,
figure out what a tapa is.

I think it's a fruit.

I'll be your hype man, you know?

But I would prefer to go to
a tapa-less bar. [topless]

- I don't like fruit.
- Well, wherever you end up,

- you're gonna take Kenny with you.
- No, no, no!

This is supposed to be
my first Valentine's Day

without a gloomy buzzkill.

Oh, please. Kenny's not that bad.

You won't even notice he's there.

[Funeral dirge plays]

Is that my sweater from J. Jill?

I have to mourn,
and I don't own anything black.

Okay, well, whatever helps you cope,
that's perfectly fine with me.

Just don't play that song again.

I won't.

...play it.

♪ It must have been love ♪

♪ But it's over now ♪

Where are you taking Eileen tonight?

Oh, no, I'm spending
the evening with mother.

We're gonna dust off the old Slanket

and relive the magic that was "iCarly."

Wait, you're not seeing your girlfriend?

Oh, no, don't tell me
Eileen's still doing

her stupid Valueco ritual.

Eileen: Damn right she is.
And let me tell you why.

There's no crowds.
Everything's two-for-one.

It's heaven.

You should be spending tonight with him.

Oh, it's okay.

I respect her wishes
not to observe the holiday,

unless you're reconsidering because Cupid
hit you with his little love arrow.

I am not moved by a flying fat man-baby.

Enjoy the rest of your
no-big-deal Tuesday.

You are a Valentine's Day Scrooge.

I am not.

Clive's known about this
since the day after Christmas,

when they started putting up
all the Valentine's stuff.

You know that's how stores
try to monetize love.

You know who else does that?

Pimps.

They're a lot less
in-your-face about it.

Well, I enjoy the holiday,

but I'm not doing
anything special, either.

Why don't you stop by here
before Valueco?

We're doing inventory tonight.

Oh, perfect! I love inventory!

Do I get a clipboard and a checklist

and one of those little
clicker counters?

We don't have one of those.

Oh, okay. That's fine.
I have one at home.

How am I the one who's single?

[Sighs]

Yes, I would like some tapa.

Hey, just don't get
in your head tonight, okay?

We're just regular dudes hanging out
on a regular Tuesday.

But it's Valentine's.

I had this entire day planned

since the moment
Brett and I started dating.

Who says it's Valentine's Day?
Some stupid calendar?

It might offer
a daily inspirational quote,

but it can't tell us what day it is.

All right.

[Ohio Players'
"Love Rollercoaster" playing]

You know what? It's...
This is not a big deal.

It's, uh...
It's just a bunch of balloons.

Yeah. Just pretend
it's heart disease awareness.

Brett's uncle has a bad heart.

Now I'll never get to meet him.

You know what,
it's all about your perspective.

See, if you... if you turn it
upside-down, you get a butt.

If you point it out, boobies!

Brett's uncle has boobies.

That's how they diagnosed
his heart disease.

Come on, buddy.
Let's try and cheer up, okay?

Let's not talk about Brett
anymore or his uncle's breasts.

Okay.

But Brett was my first real
relationship, and I messed it up.

He told me he loved me
and then I told him I loved him

and then I took it back
and then he dumped me

- and now I'm single forever.
- That is not true.

There are plenty of other fish
in the sea.

Fish was Brett's favorite food.

And his favorite
body of water was the sea.

[Groans]

He's totally gonna ruin this night.

That balloon stuff
was some of my best work,

so I-I don't know what else to do.

I have waited years for this.

And this is supposed to be
the night that romance finds me.

[Door opens]

Here it comes.

And there it goes.

My dad's really good in bed.

I know this because he had
three children with my mom.

- She didn't even like him.
- Hey!

What was that?

What is happening?

They're consoling him.

Almost like they're attracted
to his sadness.

Is she... Is she petting him?

Yeah, and the other one's
giving him a treat.

He's like a puppy in a park
attracting every woman in sight.

[Chuckles]

He's our puppy.

Our sad, gay puppy.

♪ The night we met,
I knew I needed you so ♪

Happy Valentine's Day!

This is not inventory.

I knew it was the only way
to get you to come.

Hmm.

Let's see. One liar... check.

Come on, ladies!
It's time to play Spin the Bottle!

Oh, this is ridiculous.

Just be glad it's not
Seven Minutes in the Closet.

Try years.

Whoo!

Oh, hey, somebody owes me a kiss!

He knows he's gay, right?

He's wearing a choker.
I think he's aware.

Valentine's Day
is Steve's favorite holiday.

I'm a on the Kinsey scale.

This is the one time a year
I get to mix it up.

Watch out, Eileen. You might be next.

I'd rather drink the tears
of all your prom dates.

Ooh!

Scrooge is alive and well.

I happen to believe
in the spirit of this night.

Also, my astrologist said

that I'm going to collide
with a strong man in uniform.

Is this the astrologist
you pay in cold cuts?

[Scoffs]

- Oh!
- Oh!

- Hi.
- Hi.

Um, I was dropping off a shipment,

and I was wondering if there was someone
that could sign for it.

- I can help you with that.
- Oh, great.

- Oh!
- Oh!

Oh!

- Oh, my. So sorry.
- Oh.

- Um...
- Oh.

Oh, my God, I'm so sorry.

You have just a little something...

There you go.

Perfect.

Oh, come on.

Then when Kenny came out to me,
I was like,

"Hey, I love you
no matter who you love."

I scooped him up in my big arms

and hugged him
for what seemed like days.

That is so sweet.

I want to hug you. Can I hug you?

If you feel like you need to.

I lose everything.

Oh, we didn't order this.

Your gay brother's having a hard time,

so it's on the house.

And you said we wouldn't find
anyone to hook up with tonight.

[Coughs]

Look, you can't let
a break-up destroy you.

If you had this Valentine's Day
planned, why not do it anyway?

I know a girl who got left at the altar

but still went
on her honeymoon to Jamaica.

Was it you, Liz?

Yeah, mon.

How was the calamari?

Do you think your brother's
hungry for anything else?

Um, I saw you had a seafood tower,

but he's also a surf-and-turf guy.

So do you also have a meat tower?

Sure do.

There's a little jazz club
around the corner.

Maybe the two of us could
sneak away and grab some tapas?

[Laughter]

Let me just go check on the little guy,

and, uh, I'll be right back.

♪

Where is my little guy?

Jimmy, where's Kenny?

I don't know. I thought he was with you.

We lost our gay puppy.

We got a dog?

No. You meant Kenny.

Oh, Jimmy.

Oh, sorry. I forgot my Valueco card.

- I'll be right out of your hair.
- That's okay.

We were just finishing up
some active listening.

I hear you say it makes you
feel alone in the universe

when we talk about astronomy,
but it's my favorite subject.

And I hear you say astronomy
is your favorite subject,

but black holes really scare me.

I hear you.

I hear you.

As usual, I'm confused but not worried.

So carry on.

Mom, if you want to stick around

for a little bit, we're about
to play The Game of Life.

Yeah, it's more fun with three people.

Are you sure you don't
want to exchange cards

and serenade each other?

No, Ethan has a shaky vibrato.

I'd never let it happen.

Well, you two are weird. But I'm in.

Great. This is gonna be
so fun, Mrs. O'Neal.

Ah!

I'm always the red car.

What's going on?

Uh, have you seen Kenny?

- Isn't he with you?
- Yes! Yes.

Uh, but have you...
but have you seen him,

you know, on, like, a deeper level?

I just feel like we never
really look at each other.

- Nope.
- Aah!

And they're weird, too.

I keep texting Kenny, and all I get back

are these three dots that keep
disappearing. What is that?

Well, that means he's typing
something and then erasing it.

Or it could be he's tied up trying
to text us back using only his nose.

What's going on? Where's Kenny?

Um, we split up.

We are doing a Valentine's Day
scavenger hunt.

So, come on, Jimmy.

Let's go find that spatula so we can go.

Found the spatula!

That's a ladle.

- Dad.
- Fine. We lost him.

Spatula.

- Tongs, Jimmy.
- How could you lose him?

Because we got distracted by women.

And a seafood/meat tower.

I have pork chop in my pocket.

Shannon, you keep tabs on everyone.
Do you have any idea where he may be?

I'd check his Instagram.
He can't keep off of it.

Ah! Yes!

He just posted something
from the Rainbow Grind.

That was quick.

Yeah, I only follow Kenny
and a squirrel.

[Chuckles]

Who I also suspect is Kenny.

All right, let's go.

This would have been the first stop

on our perfect Valentine's date.

I was calling it A Journey Toward Love.

I would have eaten the dark.

You would have eaten the milk.

So us.

Classic Brenny.

Did his boyfriend dump him,
or did he die?

I don't know, but he's eating
all of our chocolates.

Not to sound insensitive,

but you're ruining our date
with your sadness.

I mean, if Brett has chosen
to opt out of our relationship,

that's fine, but it doesn't mean
that I still can't enjoy

the night that I had planned.

After this, I'm going to see

a special th anniversary
showing of "G.I. Jane,"

who, now that I think of it,

is another strong, independent
person who doesn't need a man.

Mm! That would make a strong caption.

Well, you should probably
get to your movie.

I'm sure it's going to be
really crowded.

You're right.

And you know what, you guys...

hang onto this.

I'm so glad I'm not into guys.

$ , , $ , .

You totally wiped me out.

Well, you got married, had three kids,
and became a flight attendant,

so you kind of did the work for me.

So I guess it's just down to you and me.

But it's not fun with two people.

Ethan, you can put your pegs in my car.

That's against the rules.

Then I quit.

What? You can't quit.

You're winning. You love winning.

But if he's losing, am I really winning?

[Gasps] My own daughter.

Have you been corrupted
by this holiday, too?

Maybe, but I don't
want to leave Ethan out.

Your selfless gesture makes me feel
very validated in this relationship.

I hear you say
I make you feel validated,

and that makes my heart flutter
with happiness.

And I hear my heart
filling with disappointment

and my gut filling with bile.

I'm going to Valueco.

[Sighs]

What was that?

A drop in the bucket.

You should see her on Earth Day.

♪ Where's your upper hand? ♪

It's hard to picture
you and Kenny as friends.

You're so much fun.

I know.

I really bring him out of his shell.

Well, I'm just glad we're finally alone.

Allison, hi. Have you seen Kenny?

He's, uh... He's about yea high,
gay as a tulip.

I know what he looks like.
I'm his best friend.

And he left.

[Groans] Did he say where he was going?

He said something
about seeing "G.I. Jane."

Oh, God. He could be anywhere.

Pretty sure he's in a movie
theater seeing "G.I. Jane."

This is all my fault.

If I hadn't made him my gay puppy,

[sighs] none of this
would have happened.

You must feel awful.

I wish you could go feel awful
over there.

Oh!

I see. Okay.

I am dedicating this Valentine's Day

to finding and supporting
my sad, gay son,

wherever he may be.

That is the sweetest thing
I have ever heard.

I wish there more men
in the world like you.

Oh.

I'm his son. I'm just like him.

I want to kiss you.

And give you a free scone.

That's nice.

We don't even need Kenny.

We just need the idea of him.

Jimmy.

It's not our year.

Come on.

Mm, baby, you're coming home with me.

[Grunts]

Would you like a quesadilla?

Mm! A sample that hasn't been pawed at?

Yes, please.

We're pushing the pepper jack
because it's about to turn.

Oh, I'll risk it. [Chuckles]

Quiet night, huh?

Most people prefer not to spend

their most romantic night
of the year in a cold warehouse.

Well, they don't know
what they're missing

'cause I could do this
literally forever.

Rotisserie chicken is still $ . .

Ohh.

It's just a coincidence.

Oh, baby, you're coming home with me.
[Chuckles]

Oh, my God.

Is she the ghost
of my Valentine's future?

Am I really Scrooge?

You do kind of give off that vibe.

[Sighs]

This is perfect.
I'd much rather be here alone.

I get all the popcorn to myself,

and I don't have to listen

to Brett do that annoying thing
with his straw.

[Straw squeaking]

Can you stop that?

Oh, sorry. No. I'm not doing this.

It's something my ex-boyfriend did.
Yeah, he dumped me.

This was supposed to be
our Valentine's date.

[Chuckles]

[Squeaking continues]

- It's so annoying, right?
- Yeah, it is.

You know why I love this movie?

Because of the wisdom
of Master Chief John Urgayle,

who says, "Pain is your friend.

It will keep you awake and angry!

But you know the best thing about pain?

It lets you know you're not dead yet!"

all: Shh! Shh! Shh! Shh!

Oh, please. I'm not spoiling anything.

This movie's years old.

[Camera shutter clicking]

I'm gonna have to ask you to leave.

What? No, please.

I have to watch this movie
in order to heal myself.

Nobody kicked Liz out of Jamaica.

Well, I'm kicking you out of here,

unless you want to be arrested.

Okay, fine. I'll leave peacefully.

Okay, just so you know,
half the relationships in here

are going to end,
statistically speaking.

Yeah.

Some probably tonight.
It's gonna be you two!

I just need chocolates or cards

or those hearts
with the stupid writing on them.

Why is all this Easter stuff out?

It's not tomorrow yet.

Please don't let it be too late.

It's not too late. It's not too...

[Panting]

Oh!

Clive! What are you doing here?

I listened to what you said.

I thought I could get some sweet deals.

I got six shrimp rings
and a paper shredder.

Oh, don't listen to me.

I don't know what I'm talking about.

I was completely wrong
about Valentine's Day.

- You were?
- Yes.

It seemed fake and stupid to me

because I didn't know
what people were feeling.

I mean, I knew all this time
that something was missing.

I thought it was warehouse shopping.

But now I know what was missing was you.

I feel it, Clive.
I feel the magic of the season.

Clive Murray...

will you be my Valentine?

Yeah.

It's a pack of Peeps.

Hell to the yes.

♪

Okay, Dad, this is crazy.

He wasn't at the Rainbow Grind.
He wasn't at the movies.

He's not gonna be here.

Hey, read his post.

It's a squirrel with a Santa hat.
Dad, this means nothing.

[Sighs] Jimmy, read the caption.

"I'm over Valentine's Day.

I wish I could go back to Christmas."

Kenny and Brett met in the choir
room during Christmastime.

I promise you he is here.

[Piano playing]

[Sighs]

Hey, buddy. What are you doing?

I took myself on a date
to make myself feel better,

but I'm not Liz, mon.

I can't just book a flight,
enjoy the touch of a local fisherman,

and magically feel better.

This night has made me feel
even more alone.

This is my alone chord.

[Minor chord plays]

It's from "Music Man."

[Dissonant notes play]

[Sighs]

Come on, little buddy.

Let's get you away from this sad piano.

You are so light.

Thank you. I haven't been eating.

[Grunts]

[Clears throat]

Took me years
to get my first boyfriend,

and I lost him in six weeks.

And one of those weeks, he had strep,
so it doesn't even count.

Well, hey, look, it took me years
to have my first Valentine's Day,

and it didn't work out so well, either.

But you are gonna have many,
many more boyfriends in your life.

And some will last weeks.
Some will last months.

Some will last a night!

I was going to say

was that hopefully one
will last a lifetime.

But for now you go through
as much heartache as you need.

Do you mean it?

Yes, of course.

Look...

If you want to cry or talk,

even if you want to play
that song again,

then you go right ahead and do it.

Right, Jimmy?

Yep. Yeah.

We're here for you, so you... play it.

Okay.

You know what, I don't need it.

Oh, thank God.

I said it was okay. It wasn't okay.

- Hey, are you sure?
- Yeah.

But I am gonna Instagram you guys

'cause you made my Valentine's Day.

Wait, uh, is it regular feed
or squirrel feed?

Oh, squirrel feed.

That's where all the good stuff goes.

Oh, you know, I noticed that.

You guys kind of look like a couple.

Yeah, a couple of studs.

[Both chuckle]

No, like a couple.

Like, you're even wearing the same coat.

- More wine?
- Of course.

To Valentine's Day.

You know, I get it.
This place is very peaceful.

Does anybody know
where they keep the rakes?

They're having a two-pack special.

Please get me out of here.

You're gonna have to wait minutes.
I'm getting my tires changed.