02x15 - The Real Mr. Nice Guy

[bunniefuu]

Kenny: When you're a creative individual

at a Catholic high school,

most classes feel like the
final season of "Lost"...

Unsatisfying, and the cute
guys are all straight,

which is why I'm so excited to
be taking music appreciation.

What are you doing here?

Enriching my mind and my spirit,

like that time I read The New Yorker

not just for the cartoons.

What are you doing here?

[Laughing] Oh, Kenny.

Stupid, stupid Kenny.
[School bell rings]

I don't get what's so funny.

Well, music appreciation is a joke.

I seriously doubt that.

All right, kids.

Welcome to the wonderful world of music.

Take out a piece of paper,
write something on it,

and grade yourselves.

And do not interrupt me while
I'm doing my scratch-off.

[Clears throat]

Ms. Dunn? Kenny O'Neal here.

I, for one, am thirsty for
a bit of music education.

Don't mind my brother, Ms. Dunn.

He's gay, so he likes
unnecessary conflict.

Sit down, Kenny. This isn't Bravo.

[Gasps] Oh, my God.

I just won $ million.

I'm free.

The nightmare is over!

But you're still gonna
teach, though, yeah?

Why start now?

Adiós [bleep]

All right, help me decide, Father Phil.

What's a better appetizer
for the bishop...

Deviled eggs or pigs in a blanket?

Well, invoking the devil with
the bishop is probably a no-no,

but let me taste.

Mmm. Okay.

Devil be damned, this is a yes-yes.

Oh, thank God. I'm just
so nervous and excited.

I cannot believe that the church

chose our family to host
a dinner for the bishop.

Ever since the
Stackwells' m*rder-su1c1de,

you are our top divorced family.

That is so nice to hear.

It's a real honor.

What's also nice is
that it gives us a chance

to show everyone that, you know,

the whole dad-living-
in-the-garage situation

not only works, but it has
the approval of the church.

It is not a garage.

I've told you a million
times... It's a tiny house.

Father Phil. Ooh! Hello, deviled eggs.

Ahh! We have two days to get
this place ready for the bishop,

and you still haven't
fixed the garbage disposal.

I never got this kind of
'tude from the Stackwells.

[Door opens, closes]

[Sighs]

You are never gonna believe
what happened at school today.

You actually paid attention
and learned something?

[Chuckles] Hey, that's a good one. No.

So, uh, my teacher
Ms. Dunn won $ million

off a scratch-off ticket,

and then she said some
sweet curse words and quit.

It was... It was awesome.

Wait, wait. Ms. Dunn?

- Short, big eyes, frizzy hair?
- Yeah. That's her.

You know what? I'm feeling lucky today.

I'm gonna have one of
those scratchers, please.

[Police radio chatter]

Ms. Dunn, right?

Oh, is that all you have?

I also have a cat and
a very loving niece.

Why don't you go ahead?

Oh, thanks.

One scratch-off, please.

And a packet of condoms.

You never know.

I let her go ahead of me.

That was supposed to be my ticket.

That was supposed to be my $ million.

My whole life could have been different.

She only has a cat and a niece, Dad.

So you can get in there.

♪ ♪

Thanks for coming in on
such short notice, everybody.

As you know, Ms. Dunn hit the jackpot

and never has to come back
to this hell-ishly wonderful

institution of learning.

So just sit tight while
I consult with my team,

and I'll be back in a jiff.

Are these the new teaching candidates

for music appreciation class?

Tired.

Dead inside.

Uninspired.

[Gasps] Wait a second.

Italian loafer, no socks.

A Patek Philippe watch.

Gingham and plaid on purpose?

This man is a h*m*.

Hello. I'm Kenny O'Neal.

Hi. I'm Mr. Peters.

Hi. [Chuckles]

Um, I'm a student helper.

I'm making photocopies of résumés

for Vice Principal Murray.

May I see yours?

years on Broadway?

Gay Men's Chorus?

Former personal assistant
to Elaine Stritch?!

Not bad.

Oh, my God. This guy might
be the gay role model

I've been looking for.

He could help me become
the best version of me,

or rather, do, re, mi.

Let's start at the very beginning.

♪ A very good place to start ♪

♪ When you read, you begin with... ♪

Men's Health magazine?

A-B-C.

♪ When you sing, you
begin with do, re, mi ♪

♪ Do, re, mi ♪

Yes!

♪ Doe ♪

♪ A deer, a female deer ♪

♪ Ray ♪

♪ A drop of golden sun ♪

Me!

♪ A name I call myself ♪
[Camera shutter clicks]

Far.

♪ A long, long way to run ♪

♪ Sew, a needle pulling thread ♪

- ♪ La, a note to follow so ♪
- [Woman singing operatically]

♪ Tea, a drink with jam and bread ♪

♪ That will bring us back to do ♪

- Ow.
- No carbs.

We bake for others.

You have to hire Mr. Peters.

Oh, thank God!

This thing keeps saying,
"Ask again. Ask again."

I've been asking again for minutes.

I hate this!

I hate this! I hate this!

If you hate this so much,
then why are you doing it?

Well, I would have
hired a plumber, Shannon,

but I'm not a millionaire

like that frizzy-hair
dream-stealer Ms. Dunn.

You know why she's a
millionaire and you're not?

You're too nice.

- That's very sweet of you to say.
- Stop it!

You're constantly putting other
people's needs before your own.

If you hadn't let that
teacher go ahead of you,

you'd be the millionaire right now

rather than some guy
playing "Final Destination"

with a garbage disposal.

Listen, when you grow up in a big family

with six brothers sharing
five pairs of underwear,

you kind of learn not to
want anything for yourself.

Okay, well, then it's time
to unlearn that.

You have to put yourself first for once.

If you had $ million,
what would you buy?

[Chuckles]

Well, I-I have always wanted
an electric toothbrush.

Oh, my God, Dad! Think bigger!

Anything in the world.
What would you want?

I don't know. I don't know what I want!

Well, then figure it out.

What do you really want?

I really want to stop being
yelled at by a little girl.

Well, then maybe you
should stop acting like one.

Ohh!

Okay, maybe that was too far.

[School bell rings]
Good morning, class.

Good morning. Mr. Peters, I brought you

a Jazz apple from New Zealand

because I'm suspecting we both
have a mutual love of Bob Fosse.

It's pronounced Foss-ay.

- No, I'm pretty sure it's Fo...
- Sit down.

Okay.

Let's start at the very beginning...

It's happening.

...with the gloomy harmonics
of the Renaissance period.

I don't know what any of that means,

but it doesn't matter,

because I'm already
going to give myself an A.

All right. Well, since
you've already got an A,

then surely you must know the difference

between a madrigal and a cantata.

Oh, yeah. Uh, a madrigal

is something that David Blaine does.

And a cantata is something
Mommy makes for breakfast.

[Laughter]

Good.

You know what I think is funny?

You all just bought yourselves

a -word oral presentation on this.

[Orff's "O Fortuna" plays]

[Music stops]

Is that the theme to "Die Hard "?

No. It's Carl Orff's "Carmina Burana."

Huh. Is Bruce Willis in that, too?

Let's make it , words.
And it's due tomorrow.

Okay, seriously?

Um, Mr. Peters, I think
there's been a misunderstanding.

To put it in musical
terms, before you came,

this class was a bit
more adagio than allegro.

So, you know, maybe we could ease

into a more strenuous curriculum?

I hear you. This is my first day.

I don't know how this school works.

I'm probably being a little overzealous.

Why don't we take a little
sidebar in the hallway

and you two can help me
adjust my teaching style?

Oh! I've got ideas.

[Sighs] This is good.

We're getting a dialogue going.

Hmm.

So, this is a sidebar.

♪ ♪

Oh! What smells like Delaware?

Ugh!

Oh, I can't believe your father

hasn't fixed the garbage disposal.

- [Whirring]
- Ugh!

What has your father been doing?

Hopefully putting
himself first for once.

I told you to stop
reading that Deepak Chopra.

How am I gonna make
this dinner with no sink?

Clive: Knockity-knock-knock.

Just knock for real or come right in.

Sorrity-sor-sor... Oh, I apologize.

Oh, good. You brought your tool belt.

Did Pat call you to fix
the garbage disposal?

Oh, no. Pat invited me over to
check out his new meat smoker.

This tool belt is for grillin' and...

...chillin'.

Huh? It's the biggest one you
can get with out a license.

And, apparently, it's
the same one The Rock has.

Dad, this is awesome!

I know! Now I can literally
smell what The Rock is cooking.

Thanks for pushing me to do it, sweetie.

Hey, want to help me
season up these puppies?

Sure, if they're not actual puppies.

So, this is what you've been up to?

Instead of fixing the garbage
disposal, you bought this toy?

Oh, come on! This is not a toy!

It has metal ears and a snout.

Well, the snout doubles as an air vent.

Eileen, the Pigerator
is serious business.

Shut it down, roll it into the shed,

and return all this meat.

I can't return it.

I've been rubbing my meat all morning.

And I'm gonna help him pound it.

This is ridiculous, Pat,

and the bishop will be here very soon.

Well, hey, maybe I think
it's a little ridiculous

that we're worrying
about impressing a bishop

- we've never even met.
- Oh, now, now.

Don't fight. You're scaring Shannon.

I'm not scared.

I'm proud of my dad for
finally taking care of himself.

Pat, finish up your little project,

fix the garbage disposal,

then get in the shower,
and put on a suit.

Eileen, we're not married anymore.

So you can't tell me what to do.

Well, somebody has to,

because you cannot meet the
bishop dressed like that.

Well, then I guess I just
don't get to meet the bishop.

I just realized. When I said
I was gonna pound Pat's meat,

it could be taken the wrong way.

I'm going to give Mr. Peters
the benefit of the doubt.

Yes, he had a rough start,

but I know that deep down
within that uptight personality,

there's a Frauelein Maria
just waiting to break out.

I got somebody hired here

who seemed like a good
person to work with,

and she wound up being
difficult and bossy.

- My mom?
- Exactly.

Mm.

I tried talking to Mr. Peters
in the teachers' lounge,

you know, gay to gay,

but I think our bad
attitudes really set him off.

I mean, he probably
threw out my Jazz apple

because he prefers Red Delicious.

Oh, please. Nobody likes Red Delicious.

It's like biting into a sweater.

That's what he said.

Even though he'd probably
reject my friendship,

I want to meet him and spend years

trying to make him my new bestie.

Not in that blouse.

Wait a second.

Maybe you could hang out with him.

I mean, he's new to town.
I think he's just lonely.

Kenny, this is Steve
we're talking about, honey.

He's not nice to just anybody.

It takes years to get
into his inner circle.

Can he sing karaoke?

years on Broadway.

He's my new best friend. [Laughs]

Ow.

[Groans]

[Door closes]

Clive: Don't mind me.
Just grabbing some tongs.

Got too close to the fire
and dropped mine in there.

No time for tongs. You have to leave.

The bishop's gonna be here any minute,

and I can't have my lover in my house.

I thought you didn't
like the term "lover."

That's how nervous I am!

And Pat is driving me crazy.

What is the bishop gonna think

about our perfect post-divorce family

if I can't even get my ex-husband

to come inside the house?

Now scoot. Come on.

If you're so worried about
it, just cancel the dinner.

Or do what I've done

when students have visited my office...

Just turn out all the lights
and pretend you're not there.

You can't ghost a bishop.

Oh, Bishop!

Hello. You must be Eileen.

Yes, I am. And it is so
wonderful to meet you.

You must be Pat.

Oh, no, I'm not Pat. [Chuckles]

Then who are you?

He's Patrick.

He goes by Patrick.

We're Patrick and Eileen O'Neal.

Welcome to our home.

♪ Bum-bum, bum-bum ♪

Eileen, I'm only agreeing to
do this because we are lovers.

- Your words, not mine.
- Thank you. I appreciate it.

But you should know I'm a terrible liar.

I'll start down a path, I
will not be able to stop.

Like that time I was late for dinner.

I told you I met the mayor.

I was just cruising
around a Tommy Bahama.

I forgive you. Now
go be my fake husband.

- Your Eminence.
- Fake husband?

All right. Here's the deal.

You kids know that I
think lying is very wrong,

and I don't condone it,

unless it involves returning
a pantsuit to Macy's

after only wearing it once.

But, just for tonight,
VP Murray is your father.

Does he have to wear my church blazer?

Well, we tried one of your father's,

but it made him look
like Paula Poundstone.

♪ ♪

Bishop, how are you enjoying your soup?

Patrick here was telling
me it's a family recipe.

My great-great-grandmother,
Lucille O'Neal,

on the ship, oh, she got so sick

she had to give the recipe to
her twin sister, Bathsheba...

because she was just
vomiting so force...

It was like a geyser, and... Ow! Mm.

We should eat quick and go upstairs

so we can finish our papers
for music appreciation.

- Why?
- Eileen: Have a drink.

You said Steve the Colorist
is taking care of it, so...

Jimmy, he's not writing
your paper for you.

He's taking Mr. Peters to gay karaoke.

"Gay karaoke"?

No. It's just, um... It's a...

An expression the
teenagers use nowadays.

You know, it's like,
"This food is so good,

it's like gay karaoke."

[Chuckles] See?

Thank you, dear.

[Sniffing]

Is something burning?

No, I don't think so.

[Gasps] Oh!

Do you know, the neighbor
bought a meat smoker.

His name is Clive.

He's a super guy.

He's a vice principal.
He's got a coupon caddy.

He's kind of like the sixth
member of this family.

No, he's not.

Then, why do you make him
do such stressful things?

[Whitesnake's "Here I Go Again" plays]

♪ And here I go again on my own ♪

Why aren't you wearing a shirt?

This is hard work, Shannon.

It's hot, and I'm slaving
over a giant meat furnace.

Also, I just learned the hard way

that my shirt's highly flammable.

Well, Mom's freaking out
in there, we can't breathe,

and VP Murray's not great at improv.

So turn off the smoker and come inside.

[Breathes sharply]
Mm. No can do, Shannon.

Pat's living in Pat's world now,

population... Pat.

Okay, well, forget what I said
about putting yourself first.

I was wrong. We need you in there.

I am feeling a freedom
I have never experienced!

I'm alive!

Aliiiiiiiiive!!

- [Laughs maniacally]
- I've created a monster.

We may look modern on the outside,

but we try to be traditional.

Kenny O'Neal!

You ruined gay karaoke for me forever.

You see? Gay karaoke.

Everybody's saying it.

Sorry we barged in.

Steve made me. He's outraged.

I am outraged.

You must be the bishop.

Nice to meet you.

I'm Pat...

in case you were wondering.

Oh, perhaps you and your
Boy Scout leader, Steve,

would care to discuss your
merit badges in another room.

What happened? Did you
take Mr. Peters out?

Yeah, did you get him to lighten up?

Is he canceling class tomorrow?

No, he didn't lighten up.

He critiqued everyone's performance.

You made him sound
like he was fun-mean,

but he was just mean-mean.

He made Mateo cry.

Well, his ear is
trained to hear mistakes.

I mean, he's a music teacher.

He spent years on Broadway.

As an usher for "Tony
'n' Tina's Wedding."

You should not be saying
anything bad about him.

We need to support each other.

Why? Because we're gay?

Wake up, girl. Not all
gay people are great.

Clearly.

Okay. I'm done with you.

If you compromise my relationship

with Steve the Colorist,
I'll never do your bang again.

Great. Just great.

Your plan with Mr. Peters didn't work,

and now I have to write
a paper on Carmen Electra.

It's "Carmina Burana."

I-Is that her mom?

Well, maybe this is a chance

for you to actually try for once.

Maybe you'll learn something.

Oh! You sound just like Dad.

I'm talking Crazy Meat Dad,
not Paula Poundstone Dad.

In the words of Steve the Colorist,

I'm done with you.

[Sighs]

I have five brothers. One's name is...

- Patrick?
- Hmm?

You have shared so much,

and I think maybe it's just a... a lot

for the bishop to digest.

It's just, having you here

is such a wonderful confirmation

that even though our
family's unconventional,

you know, God hasn't rejected us.

[Orff's "O Fortuna" plays]

Well, that's just poor timing.

I am sweating through my collar.

- Can we open a window?
- Oh.

Clive: I'll do it. I replaced
all the windows last summer.

Just the kind of guy I am.

Also, I'm a cop.

Oh! [Coughing]

It feels like we're dining in hell.

Well, we're all gonna be in heaven...

[Coughs] in a few minutes
when we try Eileen's dessert.

Oh, what'd you make?

I'm defrosting a
cheesecake in the bathtub.

It's going to be delicious.

The smoke is really bothering my asthma.

I'm going to get some air.

The front porch has better air!

♪ ♪

You must be the neighbor, Clive.

Oh. [Chuckles]

No. I'm Pat O'Neal, Eileen's
ex-husband. How are you?

If you're Pat, who's he?

Well, it's a long
story, but I can tell it.

Um, strangely enough, our
tale begins in a shtetl.

- Okay. That's enough.
- I...

I can't let you lie for me anymore.

Bishop, here's the truth.

[Breathes deeply]

The person you thought
was Pat is actually...

my gentleman friend, Clive,

who is a very important
part of this family.

And the shirtless man
over there by the meat

is actually my ex-husband and
the father of my children, Pat.

No. He's not.

That man is not my father.

My real father is a sweet man

who always puts other people's
needs before his own...

until I trained that out of him.

But the real Pat O'Neal

is the glue that holds
this family together.

Honey, that's so sweet.

Am I allowed to say that's sweet?

Yes.

Most divorced dads move away

and start new families elsewhere,

but you moved into the
garage to stay closer to us.

You moved into this garage
to be closer to your children?

[Smooches]

Um, it is a tiny house, and, yes, I did.

I-It's honestly the
only way we've been able

to make it work since the divorce.

It's messy, and it's hard,

and the truth is, we are not
the poster family for anything,

except maybe meat.

I appreciate your honesty.

I've done this long enough
to know no one's perfect.

It's how we deal with our
imperfections that defines us.

For example, my cardiologist
told me to stay away from meat,

but I really feel like that
brisket is calling my name.

May I?

Yeah? Sure.

- There you go.
- Hm.

Mmm.

It's like gay karaoke.

[Laughs]

[Laughs]

Ironically, "Carmina Burana"
was written by clergy

when the Latin idiom
was the lingua franca.

Yeah, dude, I was surprised, too.

And that's why Carl Orff's
famous scenic cantata

can only be described as...

And I don't like to use
these words lightly...

"balls to the wall."

[Applause]
Whoo!

Not bad work, Mr. O'Neal.

Thanks. I worked on it all night.

That's why my hair looks so weird.

But the assignment was for
a , -word presentation.

You were two words short.

Okay, um...

"The end."

Clever, but that doesn't count.

You fail. Now, moving on...

Wait a second. Now you're
just picking on him.

Jimmy has never worked
this hard on anything,

and it's not like you actually
counted all of those words.

Of course I did.

This is an official usher's counter

from a Broadway theater.

Okay, but there's no way on earth

you can count words that quickly.

That was .

You know what, Mr. Peters?

I really thought that you
were going to be somebody

I could look up to and emulate...

A gay inspiration.

The truth is, you're a bad role model.

You're not fun-mean.

You're just mean-mean.

You want to see mean? You fail, too.

Okay! That is not fair!

His presentation was
twice as long as mine.

I mean, he said "in conclusion,"

and then he spoke for
another minutes.

All right. That's enough from you two.

I want you both to go
see Vice Principal Murray.

Oh, you mean the man that we
had breakfast with this morning

who was wearing our mom's robe?

Gladly. And we'll be having
a word with him about you.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you know what?

"Tony 'n' Tina's Wedding"
isn't even a Broadway show.

It's glorified dinner theater.

[Sighs]

I am ready to share my knowledge.

What exactly do you want to know?

All kinds of things.

Like, at what point do I tell
my eye doctor that I'm gay?

He knows. Next?

Did you participate
in the Stonewall riots?

Yeah. I threw my teddy bear at a cop.

How old do you think I am?

Don't answer that! It's a trap.

Ms. Dunn, you look gorgeous.

Do you do cats?

I want to give General Kitten a perm.

Absolutely.

Now, let's talk about the gay
history that really matters.

In the summer of ,
the Ciccone family

welcomed a young girl into the world.

Her name was Madonna.

[Sighs] Yes.