02x16 - The Real Secrets

Episode transcripts for the 2016 TV show "The Real O'Neals". Season 2 premiere October 11, 2016.
"The Real O'Neals" chronicles the lives of a close-knit Chicago family with Catholic roots, whose bond is strengthened when the youngest son tells his parents that he's gay.
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02x16 - The Real Secrets

Post by bunniefuu »

Kenny, your laundry's done.

We ran out of all of
your organic starch,

so you're just gonna have to rough it.




You scared the crap out
of me. I almost hit you.

It's okay. I have cat-like reflexes.

Seriously, my doctor told
me it's a rare condition.

Kenneth, I can't handle anything
else coming out of your closet.

Would you like to explain
what your lesbian friend

is doing pulling a "Stranger Things"

in your bedroom?

I'm sorry. I didn't tell you at first,

'cause I know she's not your favorite,

but her parents are splitting up

and things have been
kind of rough at home.

Oh, that's a shame.

Maybe you could talk to
her parents about divorce.

You're kind of nailing it.

Oh, no.

I don't tell other people how to parent.

I didn't listen when
those nosy women told me

not to let Jimmy eat Styrofoam peanuts,

and he turned out just fine.



- Jimmy!
- What's up, bro?

Did you get into any of the
colleges you applied to?

Not a one.

I'm still not talking to her parents.


But can she stay here,
through? She's all alone.

All right, fine. She can
stay here temporarily.

And she has to stop startling me.

- Deal.
- Oh, God!!

We'll figure it out, Eileen.

Hey, man. So, why the surprise visit?

Well, I need to ask you something.

I'm coming up on a pretty big milestone.

This week is the
one-year kiss-a-versary

for me and Eileen.

All right.

I hadn't realized it
had been a year already,

or that a kiss-a-versary was a thing.

Well, it has, and it isn't.

Okay, keep it together, Clive.

Where are you going with this, man?

I would like to ask permission

for your ex-wife's hand in marriage.

Just say yes or punch
me, but no name-calling.

Those bruises don't heal.

What? Are you kidding me?!

Of course, buddy! [Laughs]

Of course you have my blessing!

Whoo-hoo! Oh, man!

That is an ass-ton of relief.

Oh, here... Let me show you the ring.


It's the same I gave to my ex-wife

that she later threw
at me from her Jetta.

What do you think?


I think you're lucky she
didn't hit you with the Jetta.

She tried.

And also, I mean, it's
got bad vibes from your ex.

You want to give Eileen

something that isn't
tainted with failure.

Mother has my great-grandmother's ring.

It's gorgeous.

Only problem is, Mother
will never let me have it.

She even hides the Bed Bath & Beyond

% coupons from me because
she thinks I'll ruin them.

Clive, we're going to your mom's
and we're getting that ring.

Great. Let's also steal the coupons.

I've got my eye on a duvet
that's just % too expensive.


Look what I found.

A positive pregnancy test?
Where did you find that?

It was in the downstairs
bathroom in the trash can.

It was stuffed in the
bottom of bag of old fries.

Jimmy, I thought we were
done eating trash fries.

You were done.

I never agreed to
that, and I never will.

Well, it certainly isn't mine,

and Allison is a lesbian
and clearly a virgin, so...

- It's Mom's!
- It's Mom's!

- Oh, God! It has Mom's pee on it!
- Ew, pregnant pee!

Ahh! God!

Well, Mom is obviously not
ready to share the news yet,

so we better keep this to ourselves.

You're right. Right.

She'll tell us when she's ready.


And please tell me you
stopped eating the fries

once you found the pee stick.

♪ ♪

I don't want to lie to you, Shannon.

Now, when Mother gets
back with the cookies,

I'll make an excuse to leave,
and you keep her busy in here.

Clive, I literally just finished
telling you that was the plan.

- I know. I'm just so excited.
- Calm down.

Here we are.

Victoria, I can't tell
you what a pleasure it is

to finally meet the
mother of my best friend.

But I have to tell you, you
look more like his sister.

Oh, you flatter me.

My secret is I never smile.

I just look amused,

and I have a deep understanding
of the female orgasm.


Well, as the Chippewa say,
I have to go take a tea-pee.


He has the same
constitution as his father...

Weak and needy.

And yet you are so
strong and independent.

You have no idea. I was
a Rockette, you know.

- Oh!
- Mm-hmm.

Well, Clive has told me many
fascinating things about you,

but he never mentioned... Wow!

Oh, look at those high kicks.

That's a flexibility
you have to be born with.

I'm not sure if Clive told you,

but, um, my lover Gary
and I have parted ways.

He did not share that with me.

That is... That's good
information to have.

Shame to let all that
flexibility go to waste.

Well, all done.

Pat, we should probably get going.

Why don't you go on ahead, Clive.

I-I'll catch up.

Mother. This one is mine.

And, Pat, we have plans.

Mm-hmm. You'll be back.


If you're my friend, you won't
go past third base with her.

But I think it was all
worth it for this ring.

Oh, yeah.

Voilà. [Chuckles]


It's the Murray family crest.

What are you from, a family
of tacky sorcerers? No!

Here. Clive, you have
to buy Eileen a new ring.

Don't you have like three
months' salary saved up?

Three months? Try three years.

I get all of my clothes from
the school's lost and found.

Hey, you have the same
electric toothbrush I do.

No. But I should get one.

It also cleans sneakers.

Well, consider it a welcome gift.


Why is your fish in my bathtub?

Are you cleaning its t*nk?

No. I'm giving Catfish Everdeen a bath.

Isn't her whole life a bath?

You just blew my mind.

Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed.

Oh, actually, the air
mattress was for...

You know what? Never mind.

Oh, hey, did you get a
chance to read that pamphlet

I left out for you about
being a child of divorce?

I couldn't get all the way through it.

It's a pamphlet.

I know.

Well, hopefully your
parents can figure out

a civil way to resolve their issues.

You know, our family
is actually closer...

- [Snoring]
- Allison?

[Air hisses, squeaks]

I really hope that was the air mattress.

♪ ♪


What are you doing?

I am making things safe
for little VP Jimmy.

This house is a death trap.

Like this... Look at
this dangerous pill.

You know, is it medicine, is it candy?

There's only one way to find out.

No, Jimmy...

It was a bug.


Well, you do realize you're
about a year and a half

too early for baby-proofing, right?

It's never too early
to drown in the toilet.


Jimmy, outlet covers?

What's this?

He got into college.

Oh! God!

I snoop.

Also, your dad took out a
second mortgage on the house.


Hey, Jimmy, you hear
from any of the colleges

you applied to yet?

Nope. Swing and a miss on all of 'em.

Good thing college didn't agree,

because somebody's got to
stay here and protect the baby.

Oh, wow. This is good.

This is gonna be hard for the baby,

you know, 'cause... 'cause
they don't have thumbs yet.

Okay, I'm trapped. Shannon! Mom!

Got it.

Thank you.

- [Snoring]
- Kenny.

Eileen: Kenny!

I'm awake!

Where am I?

You're in the kitchen,
drooling on a loaf of bread.

We need to talk about Allison.

She ate two boxes of waffles.

waffles each... That's waffles.

And the toaster's cold.
She ate them frozen.

I keep going out of my
way to give her advice,

but she refuses to listen to it,

and she wore my meditation kimono.

Is this her retainer in my coffee mug?

She has some boundary issues
when it comes to oral hygiene.

Kenny, I know she's your friend

and she means a lot to you, but...

- girl's got to go.
- Girl's got to go.


What are you doing?

Crisping my waffle.

With my curling iron?

I didn't know how to
use your stupid toaster.

And I bet this how they do it
on "Orange is the New Black."

Okay, Allison, we need to talk.


Your mom keeps the house way too hot.

Actually, it's about you staying here.

And it's not that I don't
enjoy you or Catfish Everdeen.

- It's just...
- Oh, you don't have to worry about it.

I talked to my parents last night,

and they worked things out.

I was gonna tell you after
I finished this waffle.


[Clears throat] I mean...

that's so cool.

Love wins.

Aunt Jodi.

Hey, sweetheart! What
are you doing here?

I need to ask you something about Jimmy.

Your mom let him eat
those Styrofoam peanuts

when he was a kid.

I think that's the
reason for everything.

Not this. He got into college.

He did? Yay!

But he's not telling anyone,
and I can't figure out why.

Well, people have their reasons

for keeping things to themselves.

Not Jimmy.

Remember he showed us
his first armpit hair.

Oh. Chris.

I'm just worried that something's wrong.

And you're so good at
getting people to open up.

It's true.

Something about the way
that I touch people's hair.

Sherry just told me that she's
making her kids sick on purpose.

[Doorbell chimes]

Hi! Can I help you find something?

Uh, we need an engagement ring.

Oh! When's the date?

Ah, well, we haven't set one yet.

Yeah, he has to get a "yes" first.

Oh, well, you better snap him up,

because I can think of about
things I'd like to do to him.

Wow. Everyone is hitting on you today.


Well, I love flirting with you gays.

I can say the most outrageous things

because I know nothing
is ever gonna happen.

Like, um, "Let's go into the stock room

and just [bleep] each other."

We are actually straight.

Oh! My bad.

Well, gentlemen,

I have a wonderful
princess cut right here.

This is beautiful.

Yes. Gorgeous.

Oh, man!

And look how your delicate
fingers really show it off.

There's no way she
says "no" to that ring.

Yes. She's going to love it.

[Chuckles] Huh.

This is so great! It is so exciting.

I mean, there's so much to plan.

Not just the wedding, but we also have
to find you a great place to live.

I hadn't really thought about that.

Know what? Maybe I could talk to Marco

about you taking over my
lease at the Hazelwood.

What? No. I don't want to live there.

That place is the worst.

Uh, okay. Don't yuck my yum.

That is my home, and
those are my friends.

Obviously you have not been to The 'Wood

on "make your own pizza" night.

We make our own pizzas. At night.

Clive, why would I want to live

with a bunch of sad, divorced men?

Well, maybe they don't
want to live in a garage.

Well, if you want me to live
where you've lived before,

why don't I just go
move in with your mother?

You wouldn't!

Oh, I don't know what I'd do.

I'm feeling very unhinged right now.

In fact, suddenly I don't feel

like ring shopping with you anymore.

Lovers' quarrel?

There is so much stress
leading up to the big day.

You said it, sister.

So, we're getting a new
electric toothbrush...


- And hair gel for you.
- Yeah.

- I hope Allison's doing okay.
- Yeah.

You know, I'm really gonna
miss having her around.

Me, too.

[Both laugh]

I thought you were serious.

I thought you were serious.

I love her, but she's
just a lot to take.

And that creepy fish...

It watched me when I
went to the bathroom.

I got weird vibes from that fish, too.

[Air squeaks]
What was that?

It was us.

Do you think she heard us?


I heard you.


What are you doing in our minivan?

I thought everything with
your parents worked out.

I lied to you about that.

My parents' relationship
was never in trouble.

In fact, they're stronger than ever

because they have a common enemy.

Is it your pervert fish?

No. It's me.

They found out I'm gay,
and they kicked me out.

Oh, my God. Did you come out to them?


But they read my Jennifer Lawrence blog.

And they saw me kissing my girlfriend.

Kind of hard to walk that one back.

Why didn't you tell me?

I didn't want you to feel bad.

They blame you.

They think I became gay
when I joined your LGBT club.

That doesn't make any sense.

That is ridiculous.

Mom, we have to talk
to Allison's parents.

Oh, no. I don't get involved
with other people's business.

Mom, you're the perfect
person to talk to them.

No. I'm sorry, Allison,
but this family business,

your family's business.

That's okay. I can live in your van.

After all, Jewel did it for years.

And how's that working out for her?

When was the last time
you heard from Jewel?

- She...
- Christmas albums don't count.


Jimmy: Thanks for texting me

about wanting to give me a free haircut.

- How'd you know I needed it?
- Hairdresser's intuition.

Plus we never get one-on-one time.

Anything new with you?

No. Same old, same old. Oh, my God!

I got into ASU, but I hid the letter

because I don't want to go,

and I accidentally k*lled Allison's fish

- and replaced it with another one.
- I knew it!

I'm sorry! I hugged it too hard!

No, not that.

Why don't you want to go to college?

Yeah, you've been
working so hard to get in.

'Cause I don't think I'm
ready to leave you guys yet.

I mean, that's what I wrote
my essay about that got me in,

but they're too dumb
to even understand that,

which makes me think that ASU
really is just a party school.

Jimmy, you have to go.

No, I do not.

Anyway, now that mom's having
a baby, we can't afford college.

- What?
- Jimmy!

I can't help it. Her hands are magic.

Your mom's having a baby?

Yes. But nobody else knows.

We found the pregnancy test
in a bag of trash fries,

which also tested
positive... for flavor.


This seat taken?

No, but it's sticky.

I deserve it.


You weren't kidding. I am planted.

Look, buddy, if we're moving
too fast, I can pump the brakes.

I think I just got so
excited to get your blessing,

I didn't think it through.

But now I get it.

I'm not just marrying Eileen.
I'm marrying all of you.

I understand if you don't want
me living in the back yard.

Are you kidding me? Of
course I want you there.

I just assumed you'd
want to go somewhere else

'cause that's the normal thing to do.

But nothing about this is normal,

yet somehow we make it work.

So, you're okay if I
stay in the tiny house?

Absolutely. I would be ecstatic.

I can't be the man I want to be

without this guy right
outside my back door.

Ladies, I beg you, live your lives!

You know?

Uh, so this is a pamphlet

explaining that being
gay is not a choice,

and here's one that will maybe help

the two of you understand
what Allison is going through.

Uh, now this pamphlet

is for a sale at the J.Crew outlet,

uh, which could be yours

for the small price of
accepting your daughter.

Kenny, we don't need your pamphlets.

We have a plan that
will bring Allison home.

You do?

Okay. That's... That's great.

She must agree to see
our church's counselor

once a week to fix her problem.

See, I told you they wouldn't listen.

Yeah, that's the thing... Um,
she doesn't have a problem.

It's just who she is,
and she is amazing.

Trust me.

Kenny, why should we trust a boy

who lured her into his deviant club?

My club is not deviant.
We do community outreach.

Chess Club got kicked
out of the Ramada Inn.

You're a bad influence, and
this conversation is over.

Excuse me.

[Clears throat]

I'm sorry to interrupt.

I'm Eileen, Kenny's mother.

I never want to interfere,
but I just couldn't sit here,

and I'm... I'm done with my pie.

But your plan isn't going to work

because there's nothing to fix.

Believe me, I've tried.

You can quote the Bible,
and you can throw away

their playbill from "A Chorus Line,"

but nothing you do is
gonna make them not gay.

I knew I didn't lose that playbill.

We're not gonna put aside our beliefs

and let her ruin her life.

It's time for tough love.


Oh, well...

Kicking your kid out
of the house isn't love.

And the only one it's
gonna be tough on is you

because you won't have a relationship

with your daughter.

So, maybe just take a
second look at those beliefs.

Allison will stay with us

until, you know, you fix your problem.


That's our pie.

Yes, but she eats an enormous amount.

I think it's only fair.

Come on, honey. Let's go.

Okay, here we are.

Oh, good. You guys are here.

Trash fries are still fries.

Everybody, family meeting
in the living room, please.

Everybody in the living room.

Go ahead.

- What's going on?
- Hang on.

Don't worry about it. Just have a seat.

Well, not all of our family is here yet.


Clive has something
he would like to say.


And Allison, who's here for some reason.

Um, after living under
Mother's thumb for so long,

being with all of you has
felt like joining the circus.

Shannon, you're the ringmaster.

Jimmy, you're the clown.

Pat, you're the lion and the lion tamer.

Jodi, you're tickets and promotions.

And, Kenny, of course
you are the bearded lady.

That is offensive, but, honestly,

just glad not to be
tickets and promotions.

And, Eileen, you are
the incredible acrobat.

Elegant and strong, yet flexible.

Hey, now.

In the way that you are able to adapt

to new circumstances gracefully
and without fear of failing.

Uh, so, just indulge me this
circus metaphor a moment longer

to say that I would like to run
away with all of you forever.



Eileen O'Neal, and family...

Oh, my God.

...will you marry me?

Oh, Clive, it's beautiful.

I tried it on myself.

It was a little loose
on my dainty fingers,

so it should fit you just fine.

That was the loveliest proposal.

But no thank you.

Pat: Wait, what?

Eileen, that was perfect. He
just hit it out of the park.

He did, but I don't want
to get married again.

At least not right now.

For so long I've been worried
about doing the right thing

and what other people think.

I've lived by those rules
and look where it's gotten me.

No offense, Pat.

Ah, that's okay.

I live in your garage. I get it.

Well, it's a tiny house.

I love you, but I'm
on a new adventure now,

and it's not one I've chosen,

but I want to see where it takes me.

I hope you understand.

You kidding me?

You just told me you loved
me for the first time.

I can live off of that for years.

Also, um, I don't think I'm
ready to leave the Hazelwood.

They just installed
the pickleball court.

Listen, I still consider
this proposal a success, okay?

And there's no reason
to waste champagne.

I would love a drink.

No! Mom, you can't drink.


'Cause you're pregnant.

What? I am not.

I'm just a little
full from all that pie.


What? [Scoffs]

So, wait. Then who is?

Jimmy, why does somebody
have to be pregnant?

Fine. It's me.

I'm pregnant.

- [Gasps]
- What?


- Uncle Dwayne?
- Yes.

It happened when you
locked us in your room

and you played The Cranberries.

Who were responsible for many
unplanned pregnancies in s.

Wow! Well, I am super happy for you.

But I need a new bed.

Wait, so you're knocked up?

Then how is she gonna take
care of tickets and promotions?

Oh, Jimmy.


Kenny: A lot can happen
to a family in one year.

People can get divorced
but still grow closer,

they can find what makes them happy,

even if it's weird,

they can find joy in completely
unexpected moments,

and they can stand up
for what they believe in,

even if its scary.

Kenny: "From the
outside, you might think

all these changes would
make me want to go to college

as far away from home as possible,

where I can do keg stands

and paint my belly at football games.

But it actually makes me
want to stay close to home

and paint 'O'Neal' on my belly,

because we've become my favorite team."

Jimmy, this is a really good essay.


It's all right.

You're gonna go, aren't you?

I don't know. It's expensive.

And, plus, it's... it's far from here.

I don't know if I'm done
with you all yet, so...

Well, go.

Or stay. I don't care.

You care.

You care, bitch.

Well, um, Kenny, can you do me a favor?

Hold her down, 'cause I'm gonna hug her.

- No.
- Yes.

No, you're not.

- Oh, it's coming.
- No!

It's happening. It's happening!

Come here! Come here!


Peanut brother sandwich!

Both: Peanut brother sandwich!
Peanut brother sandwich!
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