01x05 - Field Trip

[bunniefuu]

Previously on "Cassandra
French's Finishing School"...

Let me out!

At some point, you might want to at
least consider opening up in here.

You're an interesting woman, you
must doing interesting things.

Travel, friends, men?

You're gonna end up like your dad

or half the other people on
this shitty f*ckin' planet

either way ending up alone.

This guy's into nitrous.

% of all sexual injuries
occur from pharmaceutical abuse.

Okay. I thought there'd be,
like, instructions or something,

but whatever.

You are a bad person.

Boop.

That was halothane, not laughing gas.

Also, I brought muffins.

♪ ♪

Hmm.

♪ I've been lookin' at
the way you lied to me ♪

Lexi! Wait! It's not what you think!

It's a dude in a basement!

- Come on, it's fine!
- (car door opens and closes)

[Tires screech]

Well, sh*t!

She'll stand there like a flamingo
for minutes and be fine.

If you're wrong, we are
really f*ckin' screwed.

This muffin is terrible.

♪ All the things that I've done ♪

♪ Oh, how you'd run if
you knew a single one ♪

♪ Of all of the things that I've done ♪

She's not at home.
She's not in the studio.

I mean, I've checked
every juice bar and, like,

bullshit raw food place in town.

Krishna Temple Vegan Buffet?

No meat, no Lexi.

Dude, they haven't seen her.

I mean, she hasn't updated a thing.

No tweets, no Instagram stretchies.

Geez, I mean, you'd think,
like, after a couple of days,

she'd be over some tied-up dude.

Dude, when I k*lled that moth,

she didn't talk to
me for like two weeks.

Yeah, but that's one of God's creatures.

- I mean, this is just Owen.
- Yeah, I don't know.

I mean, we've had him down
there for, what, a week?

And we don't have very
much to show for it.

I don't know. Maybe we're
not doing the right thing.

It's early. Fish didn't
learn to walk day one.

Plus, I'm getting a ton
of DMs from his peeps

bitching about him not answering texts.

We really need a phone.

Grab a burner at -Eleven.

Uh, dude, have you
ever watched "The Wire"?

Cops can track that sh*t.

Plus, it'll have to go to his
old number or the text won't play.

Okay. I might know a guy.

Listen, I'll check more Lexi hangouts.

You just, uh, text
me if she calls, okay?

- Okay.
- Okay!

Okay.

Who wants to check out
some more juice bars?

♪ ♪

Hey.

So I made you a grilled Gruyère

with lingonberry jelly from IKEA...

because that's my jam.

Do you get it, because jelly is jam?

No, I understood.

- Cool.
- It's hilarious.

Are we good?

- Are we good?
- Considering the situation.

Sure, Cassandra. We're good.

Okay. All right.

Cool.

Yeah, it's just we said a
lot of stuff the other night

when we were, uh,

and I'm not sure that we
necessarily meant all of it.

- No, I meant it.
- Right... in the moment...

- ... because it was heated.
- I still mean it.

All right.

What do you want from me?

Got me back down here.

I'm not tryin' to escape.

I'm reading all of the assigned
literature that Claire gave me.

And I got your
assignment coming up next.

So is there a question?

'Cause I'll answer it. If
there's a test, I'll take it.

I just wish you were happier.

[Scoffs]

Well, I'm so sorry to disappoint you.

But if there's nothing
left on your list,

then I'm going to finish my reading

because I have been licking too hard...

or too light.

Both, apparently.

[Cellphone vibrates]

_

♪ ♪

Oh! Did you know where
Elijah Foster's trailer is?

Thank you.

Elijah?

It's Cassandra. I just
wanted to thank you...

- for the gift basket.
- Oh.

This trailer is ridiculous.

Um, yeah. It's kind of amazing.

If Elijah wanted a coffin,

we would have set him up
with a Twilight reboot.

We have to get him some more space.

You've met Ken Hall, our
illustrious leader and founder.

Uh, yeah, I have many times.

Right on, man.

Nice to meet you.

Ken was just telling
me how pleased he is

with the bump in Elijah's
social media profile.

Gonna climb that mountain,

grab that flag,

wave it hard.

[Laughs]

Oh, and Ken just had a brilliant idea.

We set Elijah up with
a social media star,

a sexual slingshot, so to speak.

So any ideas?

Someone to set Elijah
up with to have sex?

Well, actual penetration is optional.

Uh, just a tweet here, a photo there.

You know, Katie Holmes the situation.

[Cellphone beeps]

- [Sighs] God damn it.
- _

Yeah, baby. God damn it all.

No, I wasn't talking about the...

[Gasps]

Oh, my God.

[Moaning passionately]

Cool.

Cool, uh, yeah, that
was... that was good.

I don't have another
appointment for an hour.

Uh, no, no, it's cool. We both
came so it's... it's great.

Come on.

You pay for these sessions.

Least I could do is give
you a little therapy.

Something's up.

Uh, my friend Lexi,
she's, uh, pissed at me.

- Why is that?
- [Chuckles]

We do not have time for that.

- There's a lot on my plate right now.
- Well, I'm here to listen,

if not as your therapist
then as something more.

Uh, yeah, um,

we're having fun, right?

And w-we, you know, I...
you like what I got goin' on.

I... I like what you're got goin' on.

So let's, like, not
Nicholas Sparks this sh*t.

[Chuckles] Okay?

[Smooches]

- Just know I'm here to talk.
- Great, yeah, thanks.

Professionally or otherwise.

See you next week. Okay.

Cassandra, I love the surprise.

So if I seem a bit drained,
we sh*t a really intense scene.

Bradley's gone under cover,
but we him for figured a cop.

And while on the surface, I have
to hold his head in a tub of water,

the subtext is all,

you know, broken homes and
this cycle of poverty and...

Oh, sorry, I'm sweating all over you.

- It's a bit tight in here.
- No, it's okay.

Cassandra was just going
to give us some names

of influential Internet
women to set you up.

Oh. Was she now?

Seems a bit disingenuous.

It's actually a pretty common practice.

Oh, no, no, no.

All great Hollywood romances
were first P.R. campaigns.

Tracy and Hepburn, Bogart and Bacall,

Brad and Angelina... before
that all went to sh*t.

Brangelina's a setup?

Yeah. Two of the kids are
just cardboard cutouts.

Well, you know, I understand
we have to lie a little bit.

But I'm not really into going
out with a woman I don't fancy.

No, no, no. Of course not.

Cassandra, you know
Elijah relatively well.

You must know what he likes.

Yeah, Cassandra,

you must know what I like.

Uh,

I think that you would

be interested in someone who
obviously respects your talent...

Mm.

... someone have you
can a conversation with,

spar with, someone who won't back down.

Well, yeah. It doesn't
hurt if she's beautiful.

Dark blonde,

brilliant eyes to match
her brilliant mind,

a smile that lights up the room.

So there must be thousands of
girls like that. Cassie, go!

Oh, okay! Uh, so, obviously,

you need someone with a large following,

unattached, willing to
pimp out their brand, uh,

- Gia Lauren...
- Ugh.

Mika , uh, Kaylee,

uh, but I don't know if she's free.

Oh, the Snapchat girl!

Who does all the flipping!

Yes! Wha... wha...
what do you call that?

- A cheerlebrity.
- Yeah.

Well, that's fun.

You know, she does a backbend,

you do a backbend.

America, oh, start your engines.

- Uh, yeah, she... she's kinda vapid.
- Oh, no, no.

I know her manager. We both
got maitre d's fired from Elise.

Oh, the two of you will
look fantastic together.

I will make a call!

Too bad you're not a social media star.

Otherwise, this whole thing would
be a lot easier, wouldn't it?

The perfect pair.

I mean, pizza,

you know, bagel.

Pizza-bagel.

[Chuckles]

Mnh.

[Cellphone vibrates]

_

_

_

- The appointment went well?
- Yeah, fine.

Can we swing by La Brea?
I got a thing at : .

[Deep voice] All right, Ms. Daisy.

I swear to God, sometimes I
think you're having a stroke.

[Normal voice] So what do
you talk about in therapy?

Uh, I don't know. I just, like,
talk about my feelings and sh*t.

So she's somebody that
you feel like you can...

be completely honest with?

Uh, no. f*ck, no. That's horrifying.

It's just probably,
like, the same as yours.

Oh, we didn't have therapy in Juarez.

Our therapy was hoping
for the kidnappings to stop

and then rejoicing when
the kidnappings stopped.

You're such a downer.

Um, okay.

I, uh, I talk about my
life and my family and...

and, uh, fights I'm
having with my friends.

Why are you fighting with your friends?

- They's your friends.
- Oh, no.

Not fights, like,

disagreements.

And I... I guess that brings up emotions

and I have to see a therapist
to help me get through it.

I assume by pointing out that
many of these disagreements

might arise from childhood trauma

about making emotional connections.

And the only way forward
is to face your fears and

stop avoiding what really
scares you the most...

intimacy.

,

"What About Bob?"

Bill Murray, Richard Dreyfuss, classic.

[Chuckles]

Hey, girly girl.

- Untraceable bear till : .
- Ooh!

I had the SIM reprogrammed
to Owen's number

and we can GeoTap any
picture from any location.

We could literally seem like
we're texting from the inside

of a penguin's ass at the South
Pole, and we would be golden.

I told you I know a guy.

- How much did it cost?
- Uh, $ .

American dollars?

Claire, I could get, like,
an actual new iPhone for that.

And a really nice family
plan and be cops on our asses.

Crime may not pay, but it costs.

You actually had like
bucks just on you?

Let's just say we owe
some people some favors.

God damn it.

_

Lexi?

You in here?

God, I feel like Josh Groban's
lurking in a corner with a piano.

This is some Santería sh*t, dude.

If you smell chicken blood, we run.

[Man chanting in native language]

This is the Mourner's Kaddish,

chanted in synagogues for the
deceased for over , years.

Whoa, Lexi. That guy
you saw, he was not dead.

The death that I refer to is
the death of our friendship.

This represents the love that we shared.

Jonas Brothers.

Our first concert together.

The beginning of our friendship.

May it now mark the end.

Mm, yeah, that's not gonna work.

Okay, yep, it... it is.

Okay, listen, Lexi. I know...

you must think that we are awful people.

But that guy did some
f*cking terrible things.

So you chain him up like an animal?

It's been a process.

Okay, is this, like, a sex thing?

Why are you looking at me?

Listen, we're happy
to tell you everything.

It's just gonna take some time.

You guys, it's not just
the guy or the chains.

You guys kept this from me.

It's not exactly something
you post on Snapchat.

Well, I went into the
wilderness to ask myself

some very hard questions
these past couple of days.

Really? You went camping?

Santa Barbara. They have a Four Seasons.

But I realized...

you guys don't like me.

What? Lexi,

that is so not true.

You can be annoying as f*ck,

but we still love you.

Fine, okay. But you
guys have to recognize

that you have your own thing going
on, "The Cassie and Claire Show."

And here's Lexi over
here on the corner like...

a plate of doughnuts that nobody wants.

What? God, no! Lexi, come on!

Everybody loves doughnuts.

I just would have thought
that after everything

we've been through,
you guys could trust me.

We do trust you.

Yeah. Yeah, we do.

And...

if you're ready to hear it,

we're ready to tell you everything.

Well,

then as the Hindus
believe, there is no death,

only rebirth.

Mnh-mnh. This is not okay.

Okay, I'm not sure I made myself clear.

First, he live-streamed us having sex.

Yes, you told me, and that's awful.

But this... this is not the answer.

- Thank you! Right?
- Hey, hey.

This does not concern you.

He's fine. He's gettin'
a free education.

Yeah, it's like community college.

Without the weird old creepy dude

auditing the human sexualities class.

There's no light here.
There's no sunlight for him.

There's no... there's
no fresh air for him.

Um, we have lamps.

And we have a fan.

Guys.

Owen, lean over.

Come on, a little more.

Is that as far as you can go?

Without breaking my back, yeah.

Where is he at on his...

trunk rotation, his V-sit measurements?

- What?
- One class, you guys.

One class is all I ever
asked for you to take.

- Let me see your tongue.
- Uhh. Ow.

See? Purplish tinge.

That means lack of circulation
and emotional stagnation.

You guys are giving
him no proper exercise.

His personal space
is... is devoid of life,

his nutrition, abysmal,

and I can't imagine
you're nourishing his soul.

- There is no soul nourishment.
- Shh.

[Sighs]

You have to let him go.

- Yeah, you tell 'em.
- Shh.

That's clearly not an option.

Look, Lexi, we thought
we could trust you.

And trusting me is trusting
that I know about these things.

Look you... you guys know
what I've been through.

I spent the last three years
building myself back up.

I rearranged my whole life

getting my mind and my
body back in alignment.

I'm telling you, if
you keep him like this,

you can't expect him to
thrive, let alone learn...

that.

So fix it.

You... you'll just... you'll let him go?

No.

Just fix it.

Fix him.

I mean, clearly, we need
to do something different.

So you should do your thing.
Like, go full Lexi on him.

- Dude, what are you doing?
- He needs movement,

personal Stretchology classes.

A better diet, you can
control every single thing

this fucker puts in his mouth.

More spiritual...

... Nourishment.

Raise him up.

You f*ck... Halle-f*cking-lujah.

Oh, so it'll...

- so it'll be like an experiment.
- Yes.

It will be exactly like an experiment.

I mean, look at him.
Like, look at this guy.

He's the perfect before.
He's got no muscle definition.

He's not...

- ... strong.
- Ugh. He's so gross.

I'm sitting right here.

You don't even have to
worry about him, like,

sneaking off to get pizza
and beer with the guys

and, like, ruining
all of your hard work.

We could control all the variables.

See if you can really help someone.

He is my chance. [Sighs]

- And we've got the school.
- Yeah.

And so far, results have been...

- ... Kinda shitty.
- ... less than stellar.

Maybe what we've been
missing is another teacher.

- Do I get a business card?
- Probably not. But, you know,

- that's totally up for discussion.
- Okay.

- Do I get a say in this?
- No.

[Sighs]

I'm gonna do it.

- Rise and shine.
- What?

We're gonna get those circadian rhythms

in sync with Mother Nature.

I promise you will feel so much better.

I promise you I won't.

I promise you you will.

- Let's go.
- Fine.

- Let's get this over with.
- Mm-hmm.

Ugh.

Come on. Pilates circles.

- What the f*ck is that?
- Mm-hmm.

♪ ♪

♪ Oh, I can tell him to shove it ♪

♪ Yeah, I can tell him to shove it ♪

♪ Oh, I can tell him to shove it ♪

♪ But the devil don't have no ears ♪

Elijah.

Cassandra French,
matchmaker to the stars.

Listen, I am so sorry about that setup.

It was not my idea. But,
honestly, it'll probably work.

Wendy knows when she's doing. And Ken...

Oh, Ken. Ken. Ken's a genius.

No. I can't understand
a word that guy's saying.

Thank God! I thought I was the only one!

So, um...

so you think I should do it?

I think you should go with your gut.

Yeah. Usually do. It's served me well.

That's good to know
'cause some people say gut,

but really they mean intuition,
and it's a harder thing to quali...

So I've got a day off tomorrow.

Maybe we should, uh,

discuss it further?

Um...

yeah. I'll... I'll call Wendy.

Not Wendy, just us.

I'd like that.

[Clears throat]

[Camera shutter clicks]

- _
- Hmm.

Your followers are gonna be so impressed

with your new healthy lifestyle!

_

Take I- south toward

Los Angeles for miles.

♪ You're bad news and I'm the w*r ♪

♪ But I won't make
your headlines no more ♪

♪ You're bad news and I'm the w*r ♪

♪ But I won't settle
any of your scores ♪

Next time on "Cassandra
French's Finishing School"...

- I met someone.
- Is this, like, a thing?

I think it's a thing.

- The Kaylee date is on.
- Kaylee?

Oh, you must be Cassava,
the new P.R. assistant girl!

- Cassava?
- It's not worth it.

What are you looking
at? What are you doin'?

What? I'm not allowed to look at her?

- Ditch the suit.
- Down to what?

Down to the studs, stud.

He kissed me. I'm sure
he's not in his right mind.

And how could he possibly be because...

- Cassandra Nicole French!
- Whoa.