01x06 - Health & Fitness

[bunniefuu]

Previously on "Cassandra
French's Finishing School"...

Cassandra, you know
Eiljah relatively well.

- You must know what he likes.
- Yeah, Cassandra.

You must know what I like.

Uh, there's Kaylee, but I'm not quite...

- Oh, the Snapchat girl!
- She's kind of vapid.

Oh, no, no. I know her manager.

Too bad you're not a social media star.

[Deep voice] All right, Ms. Daisy.

[Normal voice] What do
you talk about in therapy?

Oh, my God!

[Moans passionately]

I... I don't know, I just, like,
talk about my feelings and sh*t.

Maybe what we've been
missing is another teacher.

Do I get a business
card? He is my chance.

Your followers are gonna be so impressed

- by your new healthy lifestyle.
- [Camera shutter clicks]

[Engine starts, revs]

Uh, I got to say...

this is not the kind of first date

- that I typically go on.
- [laughs]

What, the location or the company?

Uh, they usually consist

of awkward silences
and chain restaurants

with guys who talk about
movies that I have never seen.

- Mm, "Jurassic Park."
- Doesn't ring a bell.

Well, I'm afraid you're
gonna have to slum it

with an evening in the tropics.

Hey, it's no Outback, but it'll do.

Oh, you'd rather be in the outback?

No, the Outback Steakhouse?

Bloomin' onion, it's,
like, pounds of fried...

You know what? It's
better that you don't know.

I actually quite like
that you don't know.

- My ignorance amuses you?
- Hey, we'll call it innocence!

Don't know if the papers back home
would agree with you on that one.

Oh, you slutty?

I had my fun, you know, some years ago.

But there comes a point
when there's not really

a challenge anymore.

I don't know.

These days, I'm looking for
something a little more...

more real.

And yet you act for a living?

Says the PR manager.

But there is truth in performance.

A million words spilled over
love throughout the ages,

but it took Shakespeare
to bring it to life.

"Let me not to the
marriage of true minds

"Admit impediments.

"Love is not love

"Which alters when it alteration finds,

"Or bends with the remover to remove.

"Oh, no! It is an ever-fixed mark..."

Um, Mr. Foster, sorry to interrupt.

Uh, I know we said you
could have the stage.

But "NCIS" has to do
some re-sh**t, so...

[Laughs]

[Chuckles]

Sorry, Hollywood magic does
have an expiration date, right?

Apparently, but, hey, it's no big deal.

I can go to Hawaii anytime I like.

Yeah, we can still be
tourists and eat Spam

and get horribly sunburned, great.

[Laughs]

Have you ever been to Denny's?

- No, is it good?
- No, it's the worst.

But it's also just kind of the best.

- I want to take you.
- Yeah.

♪ All the things that I've done ♪

♪ Oh, how you'd run if
you knew a single one ♪

♪ Of all of the things that I've done ♪

[Sighs]

[Sighs]

[Urine splashes]

We can't respect others if
we don't respect ourselves.

And the first step in
respecting ourselves

is to respect our environment.

You know the ancient Japanese.
They rebuilt their shrines

every years just to
make sure they were clean.

So you want me to rebuild my bathroom.

I want you not to pee on the seat.

Clean it up.

- Now. Thank you.
- [Sighs]

♪ ♪

On the top. There's...
there's a lot more.

Mm-hmm.

Thank you!

Now, I've laid out
some clothes on the bed.

Let's go att*ck the morning!

♪ Come on ♪

♪ Let's sha-a-a-a-a-a-ake ♪

- ♪ Sha-a-a-a-a-a-ake ♪
- [Sighs]

♪ Sha-a-a-a-a-a-ake ♪

♪ Someone abused their universe ♪

- ♪ Making everybody mad ♪
- [Cellphone vibrates]

♪ Have to get in ♪

♪ Have to get down ♪

♪ Come on ♪

_

♪ Let's sha-a-a-a-a-a-ake ♪

_

♪ Sha-a-a-a-a-a-ake ♪

♪ And here she go down in the city ♪

- ♪ Who will receive my SOS? ♪
- ♪ My SOS ♪

♪ L.A., L.A., L.A., L.A., C.A., U.S.A. ♪

♪ L.A, L.A, L.A, L.A, C.A., U.S.A ♪

[Singing softly]

[Cellphone vibrates]

- Cassandra, good morning.
- What up, boss lady?

Unlock your door. Your door, unlock it.

[Sighs] I've been behind
you for three blocks.

Do you realize your
left taillight is out?

You were running behind me?

Yeah, well, my Uber
was five minutes late.

Who has time to wait around like that?

This way, I stay ahead,
and he can catch up.

Have you seen Elijah?

Elijah? Just purely in
a professional capacity.

Well, let him know that
the Kaylee date is on.

I have spoken to his people,
and we have an agreement.

I'd like to get it started right away.

So Kaylee and Elijah will be...

Dating, f*cking, I
don't particularly care

so long as we capture
it and put it online.

Not the f*cking.

[Gasps] Although is there a...

No. We'll wait on
that. All in good time.

I'd like you to be there at
their first meeting today.

I wouldn't really want
them to start devising

a social media strategy
all on their own.

You want me to be on their first date?

- Uh-huh.
- Is that a great idea...

Oh, don't you worry.

Your only job is going to
be keeping an eye on them

and getting them back on
track if they get lost,

you know, like a chaperone.

Just take a few candid
pics of the cute couple,

but not too candid.

[Gasps] Although, is there a...

No, we'll wait on
that. All in good time.

Oh! There is my Uber.

[Chuckles] Gonna be a
two star, I can feel it.

- [Chuckles]
- All right, report back!

I'll be waiting.

Bye!

Bye!

Someone's wearing last night's clothes.

- Twinsies.
- You look like a hot mess.

[Chuckles] I know.

[Grunting]

Hey. D-D-D-D-Dig the outfit.

You going to... you... you...
you going out to pop it in...

to pop it in... in the... in the club?

- Does she have to do that?
- Mm?

Oh, uh, I'm... I'm hopin' to get some...

s-s-s-s-some of that
sweet Y-YouTube cash.

I'm making m-m-m-m-m-m-my own channel.

- "D-D-Doug Does."
- [Clears throat]

So it's about... it's
about, uh, it's about me,

uh, uh, Doug, and I do, uh, stuff.

So people can, like, comment
a-a-a-a-and be... and be like,

"Hey, hey, uh, hey, hey, Doug,
do, uh, d-d-d-do a wheelie."

And then Dou... and then Dou... and
then Dou... and then Doug does it.

"Doug Does."

Does Doug get his head
violently shoved up his own ass?

Wh...

It's co... it's co... it's cool now.

[Clears throat] Noticed
the lawn is, uh...

the leaves are starting to
pile... pile up, and I just... I...

- Stay off the lawn, Doug,
- The first clean...

and tell Doreen to stay away, too.

Doug... Doug... Doug...
Doug... Doug... "Doug Does."

You have to do something about him.

- I know. I'm handling it.
- Yeah.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Give me the deets.

Show me the receipts.

- It was intense.
- Oh, my God.

One-night stand with celebrities.

My baby's growin' up.

Okay, technically, it
was not a one-night stand.

Hey, there is no shame
in the walk of shame.

I mean, mine's basically a marathon.

I don't know, I mean, we were
there. We were like right there.

And I wanted to, but
I also wanted to wait,

and then he wanted to wait.

So it was just like a thing?

Yeah, I think it's a thing.

[Chuckling] A thing?

That's awesome. Okay, uh,
just... just be careful.

[Sighs]

What is that supposed to mean?

It means f*cking be careful. Be careful.

Whatever. I don't... I
don't need your caution tape.

And what... what about your
thing with your therapist?

Agh, it's not a... it's not a thing.

It's not a thing. She just... Shut up.

She just, like, wants to f*ckin' talk,

like, all the f*ckin' time.

And she wants to explore,
which is kind of cool actually.

But I don't know why.

Dudes just want to,
like, f*ck and leave,

and that's way better.

It's a lot more fitting
with my schedule.

- Just f*ck 'em and leave.
- Good morning, colleagues.

[Chuckles]

Sex hair.

Double sex hair? Oh, my God, talk.

Cassie tangled with her British boy toy.

[Laughs]

No.

Cass, yes, okay, tell me.

Okay, we went out, we
had a very nice time,

and that is where that tune ends.

- No.
- And, yes, considering that

my last sexual conquest
is feet below in chains,

I'm very good with waiting.

Well, it sounds like
you're making a connection.

Just be careful, you know?

- Okay, really?
- What?

What did you... did you sleep here?

I have not had time for sleep, you guys.

Do you want to see what I did?

You want to see what I did. Come on.

- Oh.
- Mm-hmm.

Wow.

- This is... wow.
- Mm-hmm.

It looks like Etsy took a
massive sh*t on everything.

Okay. Well, the energy map
of this room was all off.

So I brought in some basic elements

of environmental design.

You know, proper energy flow is
crucial for educational success.

I could send you guys some links.

Uh, here's a possible stupid question.

Where's the boy?

[Chuckles]

[Singsong voice] We are
ready whenever you are.

I don't want to come out.

He thinks you're gonna laugh at him.

We are not gonna laugh at
you. We're all adults here.

[Sighs] Fine.

Okay.

- Oh.
- [Laughs]

Unh... [Laughs]

- f*cking... I knew it.
- No, no, no, no. He looks great.

Doesn't he, girls? He looks great.

For an AC/DC cover band, sure.

He looks so good.

You look... you look
really, really great.

I just... I have one question for you.

"Please sir, may I have some more?"

[Both laugh]

I think he looks stylish.

You have to dress for success.

And more importantly, I
designed it for its mobility.

Owen, show 'em what you can do.

- Do I have to do it now?
- Oh, yes.

Oh, my God, please
show us what you can do.

Please show us what you can do.

Nobody has to do anything.

Life is about harnessing powers of joy.

- So you really don't have to.
- Okay, if you stop talking, I'll do it.

- Hmm?
- He touched his toes.

centimeters further than Sunday.

His hamstrings are releasing, people.

- What a magical day.
- I mean, yeah, you might be...

be able to join the Quidditch team.

He's still not big on hugging.

We're working on it.

I'd actually like to take him

to a personal connection seminar.

Oh, but wait, no. I... I...

I scheduled the morning for,
like, basic table manners.

Uh, I mean, I guess we
can do some rearranging.

Uh, yeah, actually, now
that we're on that, um,

- I would like to book out...
- _

... the foreplay lab.

- Labs are more of a weekend thing.
- Yeah, I know. I know.

But, like, he could really,

- really use the hours.
- _

And, uh, you know, there's nothin'
better than hands-on experience.

Okay. You know what?

You guys just do whatever you want to.

Just make sure it reflects
in the schedule. Yes?

- I will make sure it reflects.
- Okay.

_

[Gasps]

Oh. Yes.

I don't know why you bother.
If I never left the house,

I wouldn't bother with makeup or a bra.

A woman needs to be a woman.

[Sighs]

Cassie Bear, what's up with you today?

What's the word for, uh,

less on the verge of a
panic att*ck than normal?

- Klonopin?
- Uh...

[Both sigh]

I met someone.

Cassie Bear!

You buried the lead!

Oh, I'm so excited.
We've got to celebrate.

I'm... I'm gonna get some wine.

- Mom. No, it's the morning.
- Some wine.

I'm definitely not drinking with you.

There you are, okay. Tell me about him.

- Okay. He's really nice.
- Oh!

- And he's funny.
- Ooh.

- Smart, and he's British.
- [Gasps]

Ooh.

'Ello. The accent.

Good, where'd you meet?

- Uh, we met at work.
- Mm-hmm.

- He's an actor.
- Oh, Christ!

See, I knew it. There's the judgment.

Oh, he's an actor or a writer

or one of these video
game maker creators.

You would rather me date a
guy who runs insurance scams?

That's unfair.

Yeah, you can call it
unfair all you want to.

All I know is, if my guy went missing,

I'd be doing a hell of a lot more
than you are to try to find him.

What's to try? Ted's gone.

Lord knows where he is.

I don't know, maybe do some sleuthing.

I mean, if you helped
to try to find him,

the judge will shorten your sentence,

which just means that you
get out of here sooner,

which means that I will
get out of here sooner.

You think that I want to
be interrupting your life?

You're a young woman, I know.

You don't want to be
spending time here with Mom.

I have you go get me things

so that I can see anybody.

♪ ♪

You get arrested and, mnh,

all your friends, they're
just very supportive.

Yeah.

Then the indictment comes
down and the smart birds,

well, they take off
before the storm hits.

And, suddenly, you're guilty
and you're stuck in a condo.

And, sure, yeah,

people are allowed to come here,

but nobody ever does.

I know it must be so hard...

being trapped in a place

that you don't want to be.

I don't know. I don't.

You want to tell me
more about your new guy?

Not really.

You want to put on makeup
until we look like Kardashians?

Yeah. Yeah.

- Yeah, I do. Real bad.
- Yeah. Me, too.

So then, like, Vivic,

he put me on night tours

which is basically just like,

ooh, like, point out the junkies.

And, uh, so anyways, I
had all these Midwest moms,

and I... you know, I-I
thought that they were cool.

They see a lot of meth heads
down in Topeka, you know?

They see a lot of those,
but anyways, so we...

we stumble across some tweakers,
uh, f*cking doggy style...

What are you doin'?

- What?
- What are you lookin' at?

Y-you were... you were
talking, and I was listening.

I was telling you about my day

and I was, like,
f*cking open up to you...

opening up to you and sh*t.

And you were like staring
at another women's tits.

No. No, no, I wasn't. I mean I...

I wasn't, like... I wasn't looking,

I was like, "Whoa, motion."

- [Air horn blows]
- Ow, Jesus Christ!

Volume, you guys.

Okay, I'm not... I... I
wasn't... I wasn't staring.

I... I... I was glancing,
but I wasn't staring.

- Mnh. Oh.
- What?

I'm not allowed to look at her?

- [Air horn blows]
- Ow! Oh, geez!

Oh! Great, now I can't hear. Awesome.

I am right here. Hey, hi, hello.

I'm a woman. I am a woman
sitting right in front of you.

And I'm trying to connect with you.

Mnh, and her ass is gyrating
five feet away from me.

It's like asking for me to look at it.

- Hey. Get him up.
- What, wait, what are we doing?

[Sighs] Apparently your body only exists

for Owen's visual pleasures.

And I don't see why the
tables can't be turned.

I don't know if this
is such a good idea.

Do you remember Julie
Tanner's sleepover?

Yes, and you hated Julie Tanner.

Yeah, I still do. I
hope she burns in hell.

But if there's a time
and place for this,

it is most certainly here and now.

I just don't want to participate.

Okay, Lexi, even though...

he just sees you as a
pair of tits on legs.

Ditch the schoolboy suit.

Down to what?

Down to the studs, stud.

Oh, no, I'm sorry. I
think you have the wrong...

Cassandra French? Sign here.

Hello! Hello!

Kaylee?

Oh, you must be Cassava,
the new PR assistant girl.

- Cassandra, I'm a junior...
- Is there Elijah there yet?

Not yet, I'm sorry, are we doing...

Is this, like, a video thing?

I thought you were coming here.

Oh, did they not tell you?

They extended my Cheerlebrity tour.

I'm in Japan!

Oh, my God, the people here are so nice.

The culture, amazing.

Business men are just
like giving me money

for, like, no apparent reason.

Oh, my God, your outfit is adorable.

Let me see it, stand
up. Up, up, up, up, up.

Okay, now back up, back up,
back, back, back, back, back.

[Gasps]

That skirt is incredible.

I need it. No, like, seriously,

I'm gonna need you to get
it for me like right now.

Like seriously right now. Now!

Yeah, okay, I can maybe
find one for you online...

Okay, I'm gonna do some
stretches while I wait, okay?

[Sighs]

Hmm. Where to start?

[Gasps]

Yes.

My... my shoulders?

What's wrong with my shoulders?

What's the medical term for that, Lex?

Uh, oh, wimpy. That's it.

Oh, okay, the deltoids
could use a little toning.

I mean, the shoulders are
the thighs of the neck, so...

Shall we discuss the abs?

I think we have to.

So, yeah, just...

Okay, so, let me do one for you.

This is one for special occasions,

birthdays, bat mitzvahs, funerals...

only the fancy ones. [Clears throat]

A celebration across the nation for you,

fill in the blank, for you!

[Whispers] Is she online?

- Look who's here.
- Hey.

Oh, my God, Elijah,

you look just like
your Instagram photos.

And you look even more
beautiful, um, in person.

Thanks. Uh, Cassava, could
you hold me up to eye level?

Higher, higher, to the side,

to the other side, okay, freeze.

Now listen. Elijah,

I know that this is
a scary time for you,

but just stick with me, okay?

A few well-placed tweets,

an Instagram photo of you and me.

You are gonna be trending in no time.

You seem quite confident about that.

I know! My last three
boyfriends were all promances.

- What?
- PR romances?

But it doesn't mean we
can't still have fun.

- You like to have fun, right?
- [Coughs]

Oh, my God, you poor, sweet baby thing.

Let's get you some tea.
Cassava, can you turn me around

so I can see the waiter?

- Cassava?
- It's not worth it.

- [Laughs]
- Waiter? Waiter!

- My thighs?
- It's all about strength.

I mean thighs are the
shoulders of the feet.

Audrey liked my thighs.

I'm... I am sure she did.
There's p*rn for everything.

I mean, there's probably
like different sites

for like man with saggy moobs.

- Mnh.
- Oh, my God, saggymanboobs.com.

- I got to register that sh*t.
- Mm-hmm.

I just didn't realize it was that bad.

Oh, no, no, no.

Of course you didn't,
you sweet, sweet idiot.

Why would you? [Chuckles]

On the other hand...

Oh, my God.

Mnh.

Oh, my God... God damn!

Oh, it ain't fair.

You're just makin' a girl so hot

with those sweet calves you got.

[Sighs] Oh, my God.

[Inhales deeply]

I think the tide might be comin' in

because mama's gettin' wet.

Okay, okay, just knock it off.

Oh, come on, baby. Come
on, baby, smile for me.

You know how nice it is when you smile.

Come on, baby.

You know how crazy that makes me.

[Chuckles] I just really
didn't think about it that much.

You mean you've walked
around your entire life

wearing whatever the hell you wanted

and nobody judged your worth

based on your physical appearance

in comparison to
unrealistic beauty standards?

Mnh.

I'm shocked.

Okay, let's do his face.

Okay, so great.

So this week, we'll go to
the "Abolition Road" premiere,

and then next week,
we'll go to The Lair.

Okay, yeah, sure, I... I'll
get back to you on that one.

Awesome. Okay, Cassava,

Elijah and I are doing
great on our own now,

so you can just scamper off.

Um, Kaylee, so...

whoa, sorry, you're...
you're breaking up. I ca...

But that's so weird
'cause I have great...

♪ ♪

♪ I was born wearin' black ♪

♪ Gave my mom a heart att*ck ♪

♪ Gettin' bored out my mind ♪

♪ With the trouble that I got ♪

Wait. Are you sure?

Yeah. Just shut up and f*ck me.

[Both moaning, panting]

- [Water rushing]
- Oh, sh*t!

[Both laugh]

♪ Be a dork ♪

I brought you some ice cream.

Are you okay?

Yeah, it's been a day.

Thank you.

Oh.

Can I get a bite of that?

[Both chuckle]

- You too, huh?
- Yeah.

It's been a weird one.

A mixed bag.

Yeah? Want to talk about it?

Really?

Well, I can't say I
have any better plans.

Um...

So there's this guy.

A guy, always a guy.

[Chuckles] And we have
a thing, kind of...

I don't know. It's nontraditional.

- It's a secret.
- Mm. That's intriguing.

- Go on.
- Yeah.

And I have to say, when I first
met him, I wasn't quite sure.

He was just so, like, full of himself.

And... but, you know,
it's L.A. So who isn't?

[Chuckles]

But I don't know. I
started to get to know him,

and now I can't get him out of my head.

Uh, I... I don't know.
It kind of feels amazing.

Do you think maybe this guy
feels the same way about you?

I... think he does.

I hope he does.

Yeah. And I don't know.
And then everyone's like,

"He's wrong for you," and, "Be careful."

Like, I don't know. It's, like,
somehow, I'm gonna do something

to screw it up. And I don't know.

I just... I just don't want to fight it.

Like, everything is so hard, and this...

it just feels easy. You know?

I do. I totally do.

Owen, wh... [Sighs]

what are you doing?

What? You just said you were feeling it.

No, I wasn't talki... I
wasn't talking about you.

Why would you think that?

Oh. [Sighs]

Oh, sh*t.

[Sighs]

Wait, Cassandra...

You guys are not gonna believe this one.

He kissed me. I was
talking to him about Elijah.

And I guess he just got it
all mixed up in his head,

- which is on me I guess.
- Oh, Cassie...

But then he just grabbed me.
And he... he plants one on me.

And, I mean, I'm sure
he's not in his right mind.

And how could he possibly
be? Because, like,

how could you be if you're... [Gasps]

- Cassandra Nicole French!
- Whoa.

I'd like you to meet someone that, uh,

Lexi here befriended at the bar.

I'm sorry.

This is Audrey. She's from Fresno.

- Mm-hmm.
- Came out here to...

you know, what was it again?

Find my son of a bitch,
cheating-ass boyfriend.

Oh, find her son of a bitch,

cheating-ass boyfriend, that's it.

- Good to meet ya.
- Ah, hey, hey, Cass,

uh, do you want to
sit down, have a drink?

Because we're gonna be
drinking a lot tonight. [Laughs]

♪ Do you ever wonder
if I'm dreaming of you ♪

♪ In the night at my window ♪
- Oh!

- Oh. Cassie.
- Oh, sh*t.

♪ By the light of the moon ♪

♪ If you ever wonder ♪

♪ If I'm dreaming of you ♪

♪ Well, I'm not ♪

♪ So you can stop wondering ♪

♪ Oh, oh, if you ever wonder ♪

♪ If I'm dreaming of you ♪

♪ Bitch, please ♪

♪ I've got better things ♪

♪ To ♪

♪ Do-o-o-o-o-ooooooooooooo ♪

Next time on "Cassandra
French's Finishing School"...

[Vomiting]

Audrey is here in our neighborhood.

We just have to make sure that one of us

stays by her side at all times.

Owen doesn't go on spiritual retreats

unless it's to the Budweiser factory.

- I'm gonna go to the cops.
- Whoa, wait!

There is no choice to be
made. You are not on the menu.

Then why are you doing all this?