01x07 - Finals Week

[bunniefuu]

Previously on "Cassandra
French's Finishing School"...

She's on house arrest.

My stepdad stole a few
million, disappeared.

My mom got played.

- That's some next-level sh*t.
- There's this guy.

I can't get him out
of my head, you know?

I totally do.

Owen, I wasn't talking about you!

- Oh.
- He's really nice.

And he's funny, smart.

Who is Audrey? She's f*ckin' everywhere.

She's, like, all over his wall.

- Is this your girlfriend?
- We aren't together anymore.

- You f*ckin' ghosted her.
- Good luck, ladies.

You just woke up the bear. Arr!

This is Audrey.

She came out here to, you
know, what was it again?

Find my son of a bitch,
cheating-ass boyfriend.

♪ ♪

- [Echoing] Cassie?
- [Distorted voices]

Cassie? Cassie.

Cassie!

- Want you up.
- Yeah.

Hey, Cassie, um, are you okay?

Hey, Cassie. Honey, doin' okay?

Oh!

- [Vomiting]
- [Knocks on door]

In use. Ocupado. Go away.

It's me, dummy. Open up.

- What the f*ck?
- I know. But passing out

and then running to bathroom doesn't
exactly scream "innocent bystander"!

Audrey is here in our neighborhood
at our bar with our Lexi.

I know. And we're gonna deal with it.

- How?
- I don't f*cking know!

- Just give me a minute.
- [Both breathe deeply]

[Knocks on door]

- Go away!
- Go away!

Girls? I don't exactly need to pee,

But I would like to
come in here, please.

Hi! I'm gonna come. I'm
just... just... I'm coming.

- Lexi!
- What?

- What the f*ck?
- I'm sorry.

I didn't recognize her.

We showed you her photo.

I know. But she's much
prettier in person.

You know, not everyone's photogenic.

Okay. Okay. Lexi, focus.

What did you tell her?

Nothing.

Very little.

She was sitting at the
bar, and I walked in.

And she looked sad. And you
know how I get with sad people.

Okay. But sh... she didn't
say anything about Owen.

She said that she was
looking for her boyfriend.

But I thought that she just meant
that metaphorically, you know, like,

- "Aren't we all, sister?"
- [Knocks on door]

ALL: Go away!

Okay. Okay. So, m-maybe...

- maybe we can use this.
- Yes.

Yeah, like, if Audrey
hadn't have run into Lexi,

then we wouldn't know
that she was in town.

- Yeah.
- And she'd just be like,

- roaming around, looking for Owen...
- Yeah.

- ... finding sh*t out.
- Yeah, yeah, now that we do know...

Okay. So we just have to make
sure that she stays in our sights

and one of us is by
her side all the time.

- Yes.
- And we... we steer her away

from even getting vaguely close to Owen.

- Yes. Yes.
- Oh, that's a better plan than I had.

- Thank you.
- Except none of us

- are near her right now.
- Go. Go. Go. Go. Go.

- sh*t.
- sh*t. sh*t. sh*t.

♪ ♪

sh*t.

[Sighs] Well, f*ck.

Ow.

Bathroom was full up with some skanks.

Who wants to go clubbing?!

Yeah? f*ck yeah!

Let's k*ll the night, b*tches!

Whoo! [Laughs]

- How much has she had to drink?
- She's bone sober.

Whoo!

♪ All the things that I've done ♪

♪ Oh, how you'd run if
you knew a single one ♪

♪ Of all of the things that I've done ♪

[Motor whirring]

Oh, my God. He's leaf-blowing our lawn.

[Sighs]

Stop!

I thought we told him not to do that.

He's not a strong listener.

Dude, you have to crush him
like "Harry and the Hendersons."

It's an Omar thing.

f*ck. If you won't, I sure as f*ck will!

Hey! Hey, I'm gonna do it.

I'll do it. Okay? I'll do it.

Just... I just need,
like, Advil first.

[Chuckles]

[Sniffs]

[Grunts]

[Grunts]

Oh, my God. You're sh1tting me.

_

But you said this Owen guy was
on, like, a spiritual retreat?

Yeah. But I'm thinking
it's bullshit from the start

because Owen doesn't
go on spiritual retreats

unless it's to the Budweiser factory.

And then he's exercising on Insta.

[Chuckles] Smells like
donkey balls to me.

- [Chuckling] Right?
- So I'm already suspicious.

But then he posts this photo
with a Mexican delivery menu it,

and it's in the . So I'm like,

"Bitch, Joshua Tree, my
tits." So I haul down the .

And I figure I'll haunt his
stupid ass until I figure out

what nasty gash he's been throwing it in

and how many heads I got to kick in

till I feel like mission accomplished.

I can tell that you love him very much.

Right?

So we gonna go search
for the assh*le or what?

Give me a teensy, little second.

[Cellphone vibrates]

Hey. How's she holding up?

[Whispering] You know how I
believe humanity is basically good?

- You and Anne Frank.
- Mm-hmm.

- Audrey freaking you out?
- Oh, yeah. Deep in my soul.

Just got to give her the runaround
until she gives up and goes home.

I will be there in five.

Not to worry. Hang tight, okay?

Oh, please, hurry.
Drive fast. I love you.

- I can hear you.
- Oh, yeah. Uh, hey.

Sorry, I didn't know if you were awake.

I could come back later.

Oh, that's okay. Just
put it right there.

Uh, it's cereal.

I can make you eggs if you wanted.

Nah.

- I'm good with plain old cereal.
- Okay. Some people like eggs.

There's nothing wrong with
that. That's just preference.

Well, I think if you've been
making cereal this whole time,

you should at least try
the cereal before getting

all hot and bothered over
some half-famous British eggs.

Okay. So we're doing this, the kiss,

- let's just get it out there.
- The kiss? It was peck.

It was like kissing a
cousin hello on Thanksgiving.

Uh, yeah, if your cousin is Woody Allen.

Oh, you're mad because I
showed you some affection.

No.

I'm mad because

you don't seem to understand the concept

that what you want
might not be what I want.

No. No. You're... Ow.

You're mad because
you're always in control.

But now you're trapped between two guys.

I'm not trapped. Nobody here is trapped.

Okay, you might be
trapped, like, a little.

But, hey. This isn't a
dating game situation here.

There is no choice to be
made. You are not on the menu.

Then why are you doing all this?

What's the point?

So I can help you and teach you.

So you can learn how to be a better man.

A better man for you.

Someone that would
be interesting to you.

If you don't want me, what is the point?

Claire wants me to be a sex toy.

Lexi wants me to be some
spiritual health guru.

And some other girl's going to
want me to be something else.

So now I'm just trapped in a
basement again starting fresh.

So if you want a
custom-made toy, that's fine.

At least play with the
f*cking thing once in a while.

Enjoy your cereal.

[Doorbell rings]

Hey, hey, hey, Cassa...

- Go home, Doug.
- Oh, Cassandra, uh, sorry,

I just finished the...
the lawn. And I thought...

I don't know how many
times I have to say this...

Stop coming over. Stop
helping me with things.

I didn't ask for any of this,
and you are not listening.

Oh. I just thought that
maybe you could, eh...

Go home, Doug. Don't come back.

♪ ♪

♪ Arise ♪

♪ It's your turn now ♪

♪ Come to the river ♪

- This is fun right?
- [Horn blaring]

- Yeah.
- Oh, sh*t.

Sorry.

[Sighs]

Yeah. Hey, look, it's a Boost Mobile.

That's the Boost Mobile where
Tupac got his first cellphone.

That's a new store. Tupac
d*ed like years ago.

Did he? Did he? Did he really?

♪ I want you ♪

♪ You are the rhythm of my fancy ♪

- ♪ Underneath... ♪
- _

♪ The rivers that you froze ♪

♪ Ecstasy in the foam of a venti ♪

♪ But the world can't
be seen through a pill ♪

Yeah. This is it. This is
the place from that picture.

I bet Owen orders
from here all the time.

The fucker lives on burritos.

- Whoa.
- Hey! Whoa, whoa.

Hey, hey, hey. [Laughs]

You don't want to, uh, go in hot

to a family-owned Mexican restaurant,

'cause that's gonna start a w*r.

So why don't I, uh, go in for you.

I'll take your phone and I'll ask them

and you can stay here and breathe.

- Breathe.
- Breathe. We can breathe.

Breathing is so important.
So let's practice.

[Both breathing deeply]

Um, hi, uh, ¿Habla Inglés?

Great. Uh...

¿Has visto este, uh, muchacho?

No. No.

Ask what's his delivery area.

If you're hungry I know a
great place in Larchmont.

If I know where this guy delivers,

I can narrow in on the son of a bitch.

Great. Yeah. I'll, uh, find that out.

Um...

Digame, uh, a la cosa, uh, mas grande.

¿Que pregunta? Espere.
¿Estoy en la tele?

- Sì.
- "En El Ciano Pacifico."

Sì! And... y, uh, y que tan,

uh, grande es... era
chiquito o grande...

- grande...
- Grandote.

Grandote. Grandote. Grandote.

- I don't know.
- Excelente.

Uh, estaramos se contacto.
Yeah. Dude, it's a...

it's a very large, uh, delivery area,

like, miles or more.

- So...
- Wait.

There was another picture.

From a store near Lafayette Park.

- Lafayette Park?
- Is Lafayette Park close?

- Alli. Alli esta.
- Ista!

- Alli.
- Gi! Oh.

- Yeah. It's...
- Let's go to Lafayette Park.

Lafayette Park it is.

- Hi!
- Uh, come in. Come in.

- Okay. Are you sure?
- Yeah. Just, um...

I don't want to interrupt
anything and Ken Hall is not,

like, lurking in a
corner somewhere, right?

Oh, my God. I love Ken Hall!

- Hi, Cassava.
- Hey. Oh, yeah.

- I can totally come back at a...
- No, no, no. We're just talking

about the "Abolition Road"
premiere tomorrow night.

Oh, my God. Cassava, get this...

when I asked Elijah
what he was gonna wear,

he said he's just gonna
throw something on! [Scoffs]

Yeah. I don't want to get all
worked up about stuff like that.

You know, the clothes
don't maketh a man.

No. We have to
coordinate. It is crucial.

Tell him, Cassava, right, it is?

Right? Right, it is? Tell
him. Tell him it is, right?

Oh, yes. It's your first
time being seen in public.

- It's kind of a big deal.
- It is, right?

But if... I mean, if
you're gonna be in Japan.

Oh, my God. Crazy story.

Are you ready? Okay.

So they asked me to open
a night club in Vienna.

Oh! Overnight private jet, I get there,

the nicest people in,
like, the whole world.

I dance my ass off for like six hours,

take a little cat nap in a private room,

champagne breakfast, and now,
I'm back at the airport lounge.

[Laughs] Oh, my God.
But, you guys, you guys!

Vienna is soooo beautiful.

Oh, my God. I... I love Vienna.

I sh*t a car advert there last year.

In high school, I was
in "The Sound of Music,"

which takes place...

In Vienna?

In Salzburg, which is nearby,
I think. I played Liesl.

Anyway, Cassavs, I'll send
you pictures of my closet,

and you can pick out what's
gonna be cute together.

Okay? Won't that be fun?

Yeah, Cassava, wouldn't it?

S-S-S-So fun.

Have you ever thought that
maybe he's just not worth it?

Of course, he's not worth it.

He's useless as a
cock-flavored lollipop.

That's gross.

Okay. So why are you going
through all this trouble?

I mean, there are plenty of other guys

who would be totally interested
in your particular manner.

- It's complicated.
- Hey, guys,

still on the hunt for Owen.
Just one quick pit stop.

I can't give away my shift.

Vivic says he needs me
on the afternoon tour.

- He needs me.
- Who said anything about giving it up?

Um, this is a... team tour.

You don't know team tours?

We team up, and we tour?

Uh, like a native, this one.

You know what, but hon... if
I'm gonna cramp your style...

Oh, no, no, no. I... I... I
could learn so much from you.

F-f*ck yeah! Yeah!

Absolutely 'cause we're, uh, a team!

Uh, ladies and gentlemen,
hi. Uh, so lovely to...

Right this way, please.

Right this way, you look wonderful.

Great. Thank you so much.

- What the f*ck?
- I... I know.

Um, these are, uh, these
aren't normal assholes.

These are VIP assholes.

And, um, I don't want to lose my job.

So, uh, an hour tops,

and then we'll be back
on the prowl for Owen.

Great?

Welcome, uh, United Nation ambassadors.

We are so honored to have
you here with us today.

You know what? I have
this great strapless one,

makes my tits look on f*cking fleek.

Oh, I think they're
calling me. I'm gonna go.

I'm gonna take my Xanax, though.

See you guys there, okay? Bye.

- Bye.
- Bye.

[Inhales sharply] Yeah.

You got to tell her
your name isn't Cassava.

Oh, God, I can't. I
think it's too late now.

It's, like, we're past that stage...

Well, yeah, but how many
times did I say "Cassandra"?

Like, a thousand times.
You tried so hard.

God, I'm so sorry about all of this,

- about the setup, about her...
- No, no, no. She means well.

And my social reach has
reached k on all platforms.

Oh, well, look who's
talking like a PR manager.

Well, I don't actually
know what any of it means.

But it was good enough to fool you.

And it's my job to take
care of your subscriber base.

Oh, what are you gonna
do for my subscriber base?

I think I just have
to make sure it gets,

like, like, so many likes.

Oh, but like a thousand?

- Like a million likes.
- A billion likes?

Okay, nobody's got a billion likes.

Okay, well, I thought we
were just doing something.

Well, we were, but we
still have, like, a reality

- to contend with here.
- [Chuckles]

Yes, here we are, ladies and gentlemen,

in the beautiful Hancock Park

named after the insurance salesman

John Hancock Park.

And up here on the left is the house

of the famous actor Steve Buscemi.

It is? Uh, I was told
that that was the house

of music producer Erick Morillo.

No. Steve Buscemi.

Excuse me, how much longer is this?

Uh, and up here on the right
is the house of the famous

recording artist Pink.

Oh, my God.

- There we go.
- I have to get a picture.

[Sighs] Seriously?

♪ ♪

[Cellphone vibrates]

- But he's been on Facebook.
- Yeah. The idiot's posting.

And he texted me back,
but something's off.

I can't place it.

God, I just need to
see his stupid-ass face.

And then, I guess, I'll feel better.

Maybe we could get her blackout drunk.

She doesn't drink. I
thought maybe she was sober.

So I threw out some twelve-step
buzzwords, but I got nothing.

- [Sighs]
- I'm gonna go to the cops.

Whoa! Wait. What? Wait, why?

Tammy there thinks it
all smells a little fishy.

Yeah. It stinks to high heaven.

- Thank you, Tammy.
- And, uh, and I'm, uh,

tired of waiting around.

The sooner I get the cops involved,

the sooner I find Owen and kick his ass.

So you gonna take me or what?

- Well...
- Just...

- Yeah. Guess we'll have to go.
- Great.

- Yeah. Guess we'll have...
- Yay!

Oh... oh, no. [Sighs] Keys.

- Oh...
- Oh, man.

- Lost the keys.
- No problem. I have a spare.

Great.

Thank you, Omar.

E... Oh!

Oh, my goodness!

It... it went in the...
it went in the storm drain.

All the way down there. It's gone.

Uh, I guess we'll
just have to wait here.

Not so fast!

Just so I know, how
many other spare keys

do you have stashed away in there?

Just these, maybe a few more.

The adventure continues.

Yippee ki-yay, m*therf*cker.

It's not relevant to this situation.

I just... I really love "Die Hard."

[Cellphone vibrates]

- Has Audrey given up yet?
- [Sighs] Not even close.

- She wants to go to the cops.
- Claire, no, you have to stop her.

Dude, I don't have any
more time to stall her.

We... we've had Owen text her

and IM her and tweet at her.

What if he called her?

Oh, what, you been practicing
your Owen impression?

Give me minutes,
an hour with traffic.

[Sighs] You got .

[Knocking on door]

Uh, h-hold on. Hold on.

Hold on. What... [Sighs]

Oh, Cassie Bear, well, what a surprise?

Do you know where that Taser is?

- Oh, no, I, uh, no, I, uh...
- You have it go me

for Christmas, it was a really
thoughtful gift, by the way.

I lost it in the settlement.
Oh, don't go in there.

Don't go in there. Don't... that's...

No, no, no. Oh!

[Sighs]

_

_

_

You know where he is?

You've known this whole time.

You're a liar.

[Sighs]

You willingly trapped yourself

in this f*ckin' hellhole

when all you had to say was,

"There... there he is. Go get him"?

No. It's not that...
it's not that simple.

You let him use you.
It's as simple as that.

Cassie, don't...

You think I got it all figured out, huh?

You... you think you're so smart?

I know that you can't follow me

more than feet past your door.

- [Bracelet beeps]
- Thanks for the Taser.

- g*dd*mn it.
- And, uh, then on, uh,

the left here we have
the also world-famous, uh,

Hustler, the sex store

where you can get all of
your favorite sex toys,

uh, vibrators, and edible panties.

Uh, cherry is my favorite flavor,

I would highly recommend it.

You give a very
different tour than I do.

Yeah. I've been doing it longer. So...

Uh, okay, I... I'll do my best
to learn from your example.

Uh, Christ, no, please don't do that.

Listen, okay? You just do you, okay?

Promise me that 'cause
you've... you've got hope.

And that's a hard thing
to find in this world.

- Thank you, Claire.
- You're welcome.

Life moves pretty
fast. If you don't stop

and look around once in
a while, you can miss it.

- "Ferris Bueller's"...
- I know. [Chuckles]

[Car alarm chirps]

Ah. Oh, God.

Hi, Doreen.

What... what is it?

[Breathing deeply]

[Sniffs]

_

sh*t.

I'm an assh*le.

I know. You're so...

I mean, Doug is, like, the nicest guy.

And he doesn't deserve to get all,

you know, rolled up into
my emotional baggage.

I know. I know.

I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.

Of course I will write
him his recommendation.

I'm just... I'm gonna take this.

I'm gonna smooth it out.

And I will write just...

Thank you. That's probably better.

♪ ♪

Took you long enough.

Whoa. Whoa. Whoa, whoa, no.

I don't have time to
explain. Audrey's in town.

[Laughs]

Told you she'd figure it out.

Yeah. So, you need to call her,

and you need to chill her out.

You don't get it, do you?

She doesn't chill. She's like napalm.

Then redirect her. Do something.

We're gonna call her, and
if you say one wrong thing,

I will Tase your ass
until it's medium-rare!

Took f*ckin' long enough.

The cops will find Owen's pasty ass.

Hey, where are you goin'?

Smoothies, smoothies, I want smoothies.

- Do you guys... do you want a smoothie?
- No. No, thank you.

Here we are, ma'am.

If you enjoyed your
tour, my name is Omar.

If you didn't enjoy your
tour, my name is Daryl.

I think she enjoyed it.

- Um, no time for goodbyes?
- Yes. Bring it in.

Oh, you won't go...
please don't go anywhere.

Okay. Oh, that's really hard.

Wait, wait, wait.

[Gasps] And...

[Sighs]

Yes. f*ck it.

[Cellphone vibrating]

[Sighs] Owen?

- Hey, babe.
- Where the f*ck are you?!

Oh, I've just been taking some me time.

What's that supposed to
mean? I... I have to see you.

Yeah. I want to talk to you, too.

No. I need to see you in person.

That's... that's gonna be
kinda tough right now, baby.

Don't "baby" me, okay?
Just... uh, just don't.

Our special place,
tomorrow night at : .

- [Cellphone beeps]
- Aah! Geez!

Okay. What if he doesn't show up?

He ghosts her all the
time. So it's, like...

- She'll go to the cops.
- I could send her a text,

come up with some kind of excuse.

- Yes.
- She'll go to the cops.

She's super paranoid,
dude. He f*cked us.

He's smarter than I gave him credit for.

I guess he's learning though, isn't he?

Okay. Looks like it's time

to start prepping for
our first field trip.

- ♪ You can't prove it ♪
- ♪ Oh, oh ♪

♪ You got nothing legit ♪

♪ Oh, oh ♪

♪ The glove don't fit ♪

♪ Oh, oh ♪

♪ You got to acquit ♪

♪ Oh, oh ♪

♪ I didn't smoke it ♪

♪ Oh, oh ♪

♪ Oh, oh ♪

♪ Oh, you can't prove it ♪

♪ Oh, oh ♪

♪ You never, ever gonna prove it ♪

♪ Oh, oh ♪

♪ Oh, oh ♪

Next time on "Cassandra
French's Finishing School"...

- Why, if it isn't Miss French.
- Mr. Foster.

You and Audrey are these
salt and pepper shakers.

You stay close to her because

you're our eyes and ears out there.

We just have to make sure
you stick to the lesson plan.

- [Electricity buzzes]
- Ow! Damn, m*therf*cker!

[High-pitched] You're
a sneaky little devil.