09x07 - The Rose-Kissy Thing

[bunniefuu]

ADULT ADAM: Back in the 's,
high school athletes

were William Penn royalty.

They were celebrated, they were adored,

and they could do no wrong.

Well, except in one person's eyes.

Why do we even have a Senior Night?

To honor the people like Brea,

who devoted so many hours to, um...

Volleyball.

Really? That sounds made-up,
but I'll defer to you.

Well, let's get it over with.

I've got a -cheese calzone
in the oven.

That seems like too many cheeses.

You'd think, but somehow,

more becomes indecipherably less.

Hey, Brea's mom, if I give you my keys,

will you run home
and take it out for me?

Yeah, I'm not gonna miss
my daughter's big moment.

Big moment?
She taps a balloon across a net.

Oh, also

congratulations, Brea.

Thanks. (CHUCKLES) Sort of.

(' S ROCK MUSIC PLAYS)

And now, let's honor
our senior athletes!

For three years, this gal led
the Lady Quakers in sets

and had more kills
than a Serengeti cheetah.

Brea Bee!

- Oh!
- (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

Big whoop.

Remember the time you re-created

Moses leading his people out of Egypt

with Legos and Kool-Aid?

That was impressive.

I just want to thank my mom
for always supporting me.

I love you with all my heart.
Come out here, Mom.

What am I seeing right now?

Brian Walls!

This one's for you, Mama.

What? Another rose for another mama?

Yeah. All the moms get
thanked with a rose.

Oh, envious spirit, I covet thee!

Sorry. For athletes' moms only.

Brian Corbett!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

I'd like to thank both of my moms.

Hey, uh, w-where'd the roses go?

- (FEEDBACK WHINES)
- Got it. I've got it.

Hello, jocks and sportos.

Um, to use your lingo (CHUCKLES)

we're gonna take a time-out

so that my special player can honor me.

- Adam?
- Oh, no.

You came sliding out of me face-first,

like a baseballer.

Did I die? Am I dead?

Unfortunately for you, no.

Hey, Adam, why are you just
sitting there?

Bring your taut, athletic tushie up here

and give me all the mother-loving roses.

♪ I'm twisted up inside ♪

♪ But nonetheless
I feel the need to say ♪

♪ I don't know the future ♪

♪ But the past keeps getting
clearer every day ♪

ADULT ADAM: It was November rd,
-something,

and while my sister's
wedding day was a way's off,

the events leading up to it
were in full swing.

At least, for the groom.

Hi, my love.

Can you spare me Saturday afternoon

from who knows when to I have no idea?

I'm sure I'll survive whatever vague

and loosely scheduled thing
you're doing.

It's tux shopping with the JTP.

I'm gonna look like Cary Grant

or that guy at the mall
who plays the piano.

What's his story? How did he end up

in front of a dead escalator?

- I'm okay never knowing.
- But look at you.

You're on it with wedding activities,

tux shopping, groomsmen softball,

camp friends spa day.

It's actually not me that's
planning all this stuff.

It is I!

Geoffrey's and the world's best man

and pre-wedding fun captain.

- Captain?
- It's not an official rank,

but his body is fit for service.

We should really keep that
door locked from now on.

Silence! Just know that on Saturday,

the man who's settling for you

will be doing
some high-octane tux shopping,

which may include a rented penguin

for maximum photo adorableness.

- No way!
- Way.

I have many friends at the zoo.

And enemies.

You know, frankly, it's touch-and-go.

As much as it pains me to say
anything nice to you,

you're surprisingly on top of it.

True. For weeks, he's done nothing

but wedding stuff and attending to

- my intense romantic needs.
- Mm-hmm.

Now, if you'll excuse me,
I have to see about a girl.

A girl penguin.

I know. Penguins can be girls.

I didn't believe it either.

Ta!

So, Erica, what's on
your pre-wedding docket?

Well, Lainey's organizing
dress shopping.

Isn't Lainey, like, lost at sea?

No, she's at sea,
and no one knows where,

and Erica hasn't spoken to her

in a disconcertingly long time.

She's just busy singing on
that cruise ship.

Fun fact about cruises,

the longer the cruise, the more poo

the ship is carrying back to the port.

I'd say that's more fact than fun.

But the point is,
Lainey is on top of it.

- ADULT ADAM: Or so she thought.
- (DIALING)

- (ALARM BLARING)
- Erica?

I'm sorry.
There's a huge storm on the way,

so they're coming to evacuate us.

What's up?

So, she may not be fully on it.

Here's a kooky idea.

What if I, Joanne, am your fun captain?

Yes! My sister planning
my fiancée's wedding events.

We solved it.

Did we? (CHUCKLES)

Because as much as I love
Joanne's wild-card energy

(CHUCKLES) I do have a pretty deep bench

of close friends to pick from.

Well, if you change your mind,
here's my business card.

Tom Wiggins, Assistant Manager, Kinko's?

Oh, that's right. (SCOFFS)

I never followed through.

ADULT ADAM: So, Erica reached
out to her long list of friends,

starting with her old college pal, Ren.

Hey, Lady!

It's so nice to hear your voice.

Sorry I've been so out of touch.

I have been busy planning
a wedding for my friend Jill.

Ugh, it is so much work.

(CHUCKLING) I swear to God, never again.

- So, what's up?
- Just saying hey.

ADULT ADAM: So, she called her
next best choice, Valley Erica.

Erica? Oh, my God. Like, hey.

Michael, get down from there!

Glenn, that's not how you use a mouth.

Dustin, that's the cat's food!

Word of advice, do not have triplets.

Triplets? How long has it been
since we spoke?

Not long. Things move quickly
in Scottsdale.

Gotta go.

ADULT ADAM: And then her real
next best choice,

her old high-school friend Carla.

- Hey!
- Hey.

I was just wondering
if you might like to plan

- some fun wedding stuff for me.
- (INHALES SHARPLY)

Ooh, I already have a job
that I'm bad at.

But if you need wings...

I wouldn't get 'em here.

(SIGHS) So, I completely struck out

and have no pre-wedding fun captain.

You know, my sister's dying to help.

Yeah, it's just Joanne doesn't
know me very well.

But you know who does know me well? Me.

Ooh, is this one of those logic puzzles,

like where the doctor who
couldn't operate on the boy

- turned out to be his mother?
- It's the ' s.

A woman can plan her own
wedding events, can't she?

Not sure that's gonna be
the takeaway from this decade,

- but I guess.
- Then it's settled.

I will be my own fun captain.

Yay! My fiancée has a shaky
and unconventional plan.

ADULT ADAM: While Erica had
decided to do it herself,

my mother was still beside
herself about Senior Night.

Do you realize how much better
athletes are treated

at what we were promised

was an exclusive,
elitist private school?

We did have it pretty good.

What are you talking about?
You're not an athlete,

unless they turned being
a moron into a sport.

How dare you?

I'm an Olympic-caliber sportsman

who never got a chance to prove it

'cause coaches, teammates,
umpires, and equipment managers

were too intimidated by my dominance.

We can stop talking now.

Murray, we have to do something.

Why should the jocks
get special treatment?

Face it, if Barry could hit
a baseball like Mike Schmidt,

- wouldn't we love him more?
- No.

I can hit like Schmitty!

Come out back and pitch to me, old man!

That doesn't seem like
something that's gonna happen.

Touch my pec. Go ahead.

Feel its shape and girthy weight.

I'm not touching your anything!

Mom! Dad won't recognize
my natural abilities

and physical prowess by caressing me!

Cup your son's boy-bosom!

Do you hear your words?

Fine. If you're not gonna help

either one of your sons, then I will.

Very meaty, dear.

In your face.

(INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)

Earl, are you aware that
the athletes in this school

get treated better
than all the other kids?

I can explain that.

They are better.

Because they're all strong
and coordinated?

Not just that. There's also a swagger.

Well, this changes now.

I demand that all the kids who
are not as gifted athletically

be treated the same as the jocks.

But then how will they learn
that they're not as good?

They are as good, Earl.

And they deserve
the rose-kissy thing, too.

The what-zit now?

When all the athletes fawn
all over their mothers

in front of the whole school?
I want that for me.

I mean, you know,
for all the other kids.

But no one cares about
their ho-hum achievements.

Then I'm just gonna have
to invoke Title Nine.

What, the law that prevents
sex discrimination in schools?

Then Title Eight. Or Ten.

Darn my weakness for vague threats.

What will make this all go away?

I want the non-athletes to be
celebrated and adored, too.

Feign interest in non-jocks. Got it.

And the rose-kissy thing.

Yeah, you've mentioned that twice now.

Okay, you win.
The athlete-worshipping culture

of this place ends, starting now.

Yo, Ball-Man, can I borrow your ride?

Chem lab's boring and I want
to go get an ice cream cake.

Sure thing, dawg.

And, uh, when you're done with it,

just park it wherever you want.
I'll find it.

(CLICKS TONGUE)

Okay, starting now.

ADULT ADAM: While my mom was
pursuing her rose celebration,

Erica's wedding run-up was
feeling less than celebratory.

Hi. Erica Goldberg.
I'm here to try on dresses.

Perfect. Just let me know

when the rest of your party gets here.

Actually, it's just gonna be me today.

- No maid of honor?
- Again, just me.

- Sisters?
- Just me.

- Cousins?
- Nope.

- Work friends?
- Flying solo.

- College friends?
- Going it alone.

- New friends?
- Party of one.

Well, what about your mother?

(CHUCKLING) Oh, God, no.

She's the best, but also the worst.

So I'm doing this round,

and then she promised to come
and be awful

when I settle on something.

Would you mind if we grabbed

some of these champagne glasses?

Another client brought way more guests

than we anticipated.

Take 'em all, Beth.
Mine's here all by herself.

Has that ever happened before?

Not that I can remember, and
I've been here for years.

There's a person here
with ears and everything.

So, is that a yes?

Just take the friggin' glasses, Beth.

ADULT ADAM: And so began the loneliest

wedding-dress-trying-on in history.

There was this fun number,
and a more modest option.

She was a princess without a court,

a Southern belle whose friends
had gone with the wind,

and whatever this is.

Why do I keep coming out?
There's a mirror in here.

ADULT ADAM: But without
any friends to weigh in,

my sister was feeling stuck, literally.

Hello? Beth?

Other lady?

Little help?

Oh. Thank God.

I thought you guys forgot about me.

Sorry, Tiffany! I found one more!

(WOMEN LAUGHING IN DISTANCE)

I hate you, Tiffany!

I've exhausted all my options,

so you're my fun captain.

Ah! You handpicked me!

ADULT ADAM: As Erica
welcomed Joanne to the team,

the kids who'd never played on one

were starting to enjoy the
privileges of those who did.

♪ Dave Kim, he's our man ♪

♪ If he can't do it, no one can ♪

What exactly can no one do
that I maybe can?

Win the Science Fair by
simulating a wind turbine.

Way to go, Davy.

I don't know what's happening,

but this is farther
than I've gotten in my dreams.

"Congrats Matt Schernecke
on his sly turn

"as Rooster Hannigan in 'Annie'"?

That performance was wildly uneven.

Agreed. The choreography
on "Easy Street"

swallowed him whole.

But the bigger question is, what gives?

- (FEEDBACK WHINES)
- PRINCIPAL BALL: Good day, students.

First off, I'd like to give
a verbal high-five

to the kid in the back brace.

He has a name.

I think it's Adnan,
but I'm not positive.

Also, to Adam Goldberg, for locking up

the AV club's Oscar Award
for his cheeky parody,

"The Second-to-Last Starfighter."

It definitely put the
original in its place.

- And the rose-kissy thing?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'm... I'm getting to that.

And you're too close to the mic.

- They can't hear me. Just say it.
- Yeah, okay.

And also remember that
our less-coordinated students

will be honored Friday

at our first annual
Non-Athlete Senior Night.

Invite your mamas.

Non-Athlete Senior Night?

This is a stretch, even for you.

Wha?

This attention isn't real!

Just my mom wants her own rose ceremony!

A win's a win.

Sydney, I've made a mess.

(INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)

ADULT ADAM: My sister finally
had a fun captain,

and Joanne's first move

- was to call for back-up.
- (KNOCK ON DOOR)

- 'Sup, fools?
- Carla?

I thought you said
you were too busy to help.

That's 'cause I don't like
being in charge,

but I'm happy to be the getaway driver.

Metaphorically?

Sure. So, what do we got?

I put together a list of
typical bridal activities,

a spa day, brunch, getting
our hair and makeup done.

Ooh, those sound so normal.

That's why we're doing none of them.

We're going to a monster truck rally.

Oh. I went yesterday, but I'll go again.

I don't know. That seems really loud.

What if we did extreme versions

of the stuff you already crossed off?

Or maybe not extreme at all.

Well, it's your rodeo.

Yes! A prison rodeo!

My cousin's the head clown.

ADULT ADAM: And with that,

Erica's special day was gonna be normal.

Kinda.

They hit the spa...

(RUSSIAN ACCENT) I remove top layer.

Of my skin?

ADULT ADAM: ...they
got their makeup done...

Hot damn!
She used every crayon in the box!

ADULT ADAM: ...and finally, brunch.

- Here again?
- You know it.

They make a kick-ass potato soup.

It's as hearty and thick
as the men who make it.

More hit?

ADULT ADAM: While Erica's
special day was a bust,

I enlisted some help squashing
my mom's plan

for Non-Athlete Senior Night.

We want you to reverse
the cultural changes

you've made at our school.

Yesterday, I went to
lovingly wedgie a band kid,

but I couldn't because
he was on the shoulders

of five cheerleaders.

Believe me if it were up to
me, that dweeb's underwear

would be gently but
hilariously tattered and torn.

And I've gone two days without
someone decorating my locker.

Have I become a nobody?

You're always somebody to me.

That means nothing!

None of this makes any sense.

This morning, that nerd Matt Schernecke

said hi to me in front of everyone.

So embarrassing!

If Dave Kim's getting a cupcake
from Sydney the cheerleader,

then my cupcake doesn't feel special.

I mean, even though I'm dating Sydney.

Okay, that last argument's
kind of convoluted,

but you get it.

I'm persuaded.

Going back to the old system.

So, you'll be canceling
Non-Athlete Senior Night?

Oh, that I can't do.
Your mother was very menacing.

And she invoked laws
I'm too lazy to verify.

But nobody wants it!

Guys, help me out here.

We don't care about that.

We just want cheerleaders
to bake us stuff.

I'm sorry, Mr. Goldberg, fair is fair.

The athletes got their big night,

the non-athletes get theirs.

ADULT ADAM: Which gave me a crazy idea,

and that meant there was
only one person to talk to.

I need you to turn me into an athlete.

Are you talking to me or God?

'Cause that's a tall order
for either of us.

If I make it onto a sports team,

I won't have to participate
in Non-Athlete Senior Night.

Fine! Tell me the sport,
I'll make you a legend.

Doesn't matter. You pick.

Well, I'd rule out anything

that requires a bat, ball, mitt,

racket, stick, club,
coordination, endurance, desire,

grit, strategy, physical contact,

or a commanding voice
for calling signals.

What's left?

- Spring track.
- In!

What's the minimum
I have to do to make the team?

I only know the maximum.

I don't need the maximum.

I just don't want to go to this banquet.

Whatever the reason,
you will be transformed

from an undersized sack of soft garbage

into an explosively high-performance

muscular super jock.

Why exactly are you embracing
this challenge

with so much intensity?

To prove to Dad that
I am such an elite athlete

that I can even turn
the weakest, scrawniest,

and most pathetic among us
into Dan Marino.

The Isotoner glove model?

I didn't know he did sports.

Your training begins now!

I'm gonna need gravity boots
and a tractor tire.

Let's go!

(SCOFFS) Here I come, I guess.

ADULT ADAM: While I'd gotten
Barry's unbridled help,

Erica's bridal shower was under way.

There was food...

Wait, are you driving later?

I might be.

I'd stay away from those.

ADULT ADAM: ...there were games...

Okay, would Geoff rather
make out in public, or...

Whatever the second thing is.

- Correct!
- (LAUGHTER)

He'd rather die in a house fire.

ADULT ADAM: ...and, of course, dessert.

(SINGSONG VOICE) Cake time!

Oh, wow, that's big.

Well, it kind of had to be. You'll see.

- Surprise!
- (GASPS)

Is it time?

It's so dark and scary in there.

Oh, God.

Erica, you get the first piece.

Technically the second.
I got pretty hungry on the van ride over.

That's okay, I'm good.

Why not? Is my boyfriend
not hot enough for you?

That's the thing, he's too hot.

He's sweating all over the frosting.

You should be so lucky as to eat
frosting that touched my man.

(KNOCK ON DOOR)

Knock, knock! Groom in the room!

It's okay, Geoff.
There's nothing to see here.

Full disclosure,
it was gonna be me in the cake,

but with my crippling claustrophobia,

nobody thought it was a good idea.

The problem isn't who was in my cake.

The problem is that
someone was in my cake.

Geez, someone is hard to please.

Look, it's not your fault
that you planned something

I intensely hate.

You just don't know me at all.

ADULT ADAM: While Erica's
shower had gone off the tracks,

I was still trying to derail
my mom's embarrassing plan.

Schmoop-a-poop, I have
our outfits for our big night.

Wow. So much class and pizzazz.

It's a shame neither of us
will be wearing those.

As a newly certified
high school athlete,

I will not be attending.

That doesn't make any sense.

You're a think-y, not a do-y.

I think-y no more.

I'm a badass jock now,

with all the accoutrements
that come with.

Like these incredibly
thin and revealing shorts.

So you joined a sport?

Not just any sport, track...

A series of athletic contests,
running, jumping... the other.

So, no-can-do on your big public smooch.

Hmm.

Well, if you put as
much energy into that

as you did into depriving me
of a moment of thanks,

then you're gonna be
the next Carl Lewis.

(INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)

Can you believe her?

It's actually you I can't believe.

What's that supposed to mean?

Your mom.

She sacrifices everything for you kids,

her time, her life. It's all for you.

Still, she made up an embarrassing event

just so I could give her a flower.

Because that's how far she has to go

to get the recognition she deserves.

I guess.

No one gets through high school alone.

Everything you did and you achieved,

she was with you every step of the way.

(MUSIC CONTINUES)

ADULT ADAM: In a bitter twist of fate,

my mom had finally gotten

her Non-Athlete Senior Night,

but her favorite non-athlete
was nowhere to be found.

Now I have to pretend to care
about these dorks

who couldn't have gotten off
their butts to play a sport.

And yet you came and
insisted we sit together.

And now, let's meet
your Non-Athletic Seniors!

This fella guided Yearbook
through three straight years

of deadline-meeting publication.

Give it up for Brad Finkelstein!

ADULT ADAM: A funny thing
happened that night.

People realized that

all the things kids
had accomplished off the field

were also pretty cool.

She anchors the math team
and the third chair

in the William Penn orchestra
on the oboe.

O-boe she didn't!

Annie Gerwitz!

ADULT ADAM: Yep, it was the night
my mom had dreamed of,

but because I wasn't there,
it was just a nightmare.

Next, throughout his storied career,

this gentleman put it all out there

on the floor of the theater!

Adam did theater.

His credits span from "Annie"
to "Xanadu,"

with two others in between.

(VOICE BREAKING) Adam also did "Annie"

and "Xanadu" and two others.

He's a two-time president
of the AV club.

Adam was also two-time
president of the AV club.

And he made our school's
first ever video yearbook.

Adam made whatever that was!

Everyone, make some noise...

Mr. Movie, Adam Goldberg!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

Yes!

Oh. (LAUGHS)

ADULT ADAM: Yeah, there was
one more good thing

about being a non-athlete.

He's not here.

ADULT ADAM: I knew how to make
a dramatic entrance.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

Thank you. Thank you.

But, most of all,
Mom, would you please...

Whoa.

I'd just like to thank the greatest,

most supportive mom in the world.

- Mom...
- Yes.

I've got a half-inch-deep
thorn in my hand,

and I don't even feel it.

Sorry, Mom.

I realized I didn't get through
high school all by myself.

(BREATHES SHARPLY)

My baby cherishes me
and puts me on a pedestal!

- (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
- Oh!

(BOTH LAUGH)

(INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)

ADULT ADAM: My mom had finally
gotten the thing she most wanted.

Unfortunately, the same
couldn't be said for Erica.

You okay?

I've been better.

I get it.

I'm lucky.

I've got Barry, the JTP,
all my camp guys.

But your friends aren't around
when you need them.

And that hurts.

You're very good at knowing
how I'm feeling.

That's 'cause I love you.

The worst part is
I was mean to your sister

after she tried so hard.

Then maybe I'm not the one
you should be talking to.

Hey.

Joanne, I'm so, so sorry.

(SIGHS)

I'm the one who should be sorry.

I throw myself into things
and try way too hard,

but it's only 'cause I saw
a chance to be closer to you.

- Really?
- Duh.

What do you think?
I don't want us to be sisters

just because you're marrying my brother.

I want us to be like actual sisters.

I always wanted a sister.

Well, then

let me start with one
more thing I have planned.

Oh, no. I don't need
any more activities.

Are you sure?
'Cause I think I've learned

a little more about what you like.

ADULT ADAM: In that moment,
Erica realized

that no matter how far apart
your paths may take you,

the most important people in your life

will always be there for you.

Oh, my God!
What are you guys doing here?

Joanne reminded us
how important this is.

So we made it happen.

(CHUCKLES)

ADULT ADAM: Occasionally, someone
you never expected steps up

and becomes one of those
people who means so much.

(SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY)

And sometimes, we realize that
they were there all along.

FRIENDS: Oh!

BOTH: Yes!

ADULT ADAM: But either way,
as long as you've got

your people by your side...

you'll be a winner no matter what.

Shopkeep! In addition
to wedding dresses,

does this place sell tuxedos
for both man and penguin?

Oh, no.

Oh. There's my guy.

- Hi, Barry.
- Hey, Barry.

My current girlfriend,
two former sweethearts,

plus a girl I made out with
at a party once?

In my defense, I was sober that day.

This is hilarious, but also... (GAGS)

Oh, my gosh!
Look at how red he's getting.

Let's turn this up a notch.

Which one of us is the best kisser?

I-I couldn't possibly...

But I could. (CHUCKLES)

Mama always wins best
kisser, no contest.

Come on. Let's show 'em how. (KISSES)

This day is so much better
than I could have hoped for.

Let me go! Let me go!

No! No!