05x06 - Money Laundering and a Cascade of Hormones

[bunniefuu]

Previously on Young Sheldon...

What's going on?

Are you Connie Tucker?

A secret casino room?

The cops shut me down.

- Well, let's get this going again.
- I'm listening.

I was thinking about Chuck E. Cheese.

Grown-up people don't-don't
gamble to win a teddy bear.

I'm trying to help you.

You think that grown-ups

are gonna gamble for
some stuffed animals?

Yeah, that you're buying back from them.

It seems I owe you an apology.

Come on in.

ADULT SHELDON: When
children reach adolescence,

- a cascade of hormones are released...

... causing mood swings,
impulsive behavior

and an unbelievable
amount of eye rolling.

- [George Sr. cheering] I knew it.
- During this time of change,

members of the opposite sex

who caught my sister's fancy included:

New Kids on the Block,

Rufio from the movie Hook,

and, oddly enough, our
new Sunday school teacher,

Pastor Rob.

Was Mary Magdalene Jesus's girlfriend?

No, just one of his followers.

Yeah, Jesus didn't have a girlfriend.

Do you have a girlfriend?

No. No, I don't.

I don't have a girlfriend either.

All right.

You and me, Billy, couple of bachelors.

Are you allowed to have a girlfriend?

In the Baptist church, yes.

- Pastor Jeff is married.
- And was married before,

so he's had two wives,
but not at the same time,

- that's not allowed.
- Thank you, Sheldon.

At least not anymore.
In the Old Testament,

Abraham had two, Jacob had four,

and Solomon had , ,

but those were largely
for political alliances.

Fun fact: only of those were wives.

The other were concubines.

I wouldn't count on the Bible
for facts, but that was fun.

So boyfriends and girlfriends are okay?

The way I see it, God is love,

so if we love someone else

in a committed relationship,
we're feeling God.

So, holding hands is okay?

- Sure.
- What about kissing?

Maybe at some point, when you're older.

And what exactly is third base?

I'm thinking it might be a good idea

if we gave the kids a talk
about the facts of life.

You mean like, S-E-X?

Who are you spelling that for?

G-O-D.

You really think that's
an appropriate topic

for kids their age?

Well, they seem to have a
lot of questions about...

S-E-X.

Sex, sex, sex. Get over it.

I just think that's a subject
best left up to the parents.

Glad you feel that way,
because it was your daughter

who had the most questions.

[laughs]

♪ Nobody else is stronger than I am ♪

♪ Yesterday I moved a mountain ♪

♪ I bet I could be your hero ♪

♪ I am a mighty little man ♪

♪ I am a mighty little man. ♪

Even if... [exhales] Missy had one

- or two questions...
- It was a lot of questions.

Doesn't matter how many questions.

We can answer them at home.

I'm sure you can.

I just think this is our
chance to get in first

before they learn it on TV.

That is true. I flipped
past MTV the other night,

and a song was on called...

[quietly]: "I Wanna Sex You Up."

What does that even mean?

I turned it off before the
young man could clarify.

Well, if you ask me, I think
it means he wants to...

- No one asked you.
- See?

Even we have questions.
Why wouldn't the kids?

I think they deserve honest answers.

You seem to know a lot about children

for someone who has none of their own.

[imitates cat growling]

GEORGE JR.: So what's my title here?

Manager? Supervisor?

Your title is "grandson
who can go home now."

What are you talking about?

- We're in this together.
- I'm sorry,

did you buy these machines?

No, but it was my idea how to
get them up and running again.

And thank you. Now, go home
before I tell your mother

you want to work in a secret casino.

Oh, yeah?

Maybe I should tell her
you own a secret casino.

Is that the way you want to play this?

Yeah, it is.

Missy was asking about sex.

What? You don't think that she's...

No.

But she's clearly
interested in the topic.

That's it... she's
grounded till she's .

- George.
- Well, maybe it's good

this pastor wants to talk about it.

I sure as hell don't.

[scoffs] You're unbelievable.

I had to do it with Georgie,
and it was a disaster.

Well, here is a chance to do it right.

I have two words for you: not it.

Fine.

You can be my assistant manager.

Oh, I like the sound of that.

So, it's a deal?

Well, hold on, how much
you gonna pay me?

Did I mention that assistant manager

comes with a spiffy nametag?

Does it also come with
a spiffy paycheck?

How much did Dale pay you?

Uh, minimum wage plus
five percent commission.

I'll give you half of that.

So, two and a half percent commission?

No, half of the minimum wage part.

What about a percentage of these?

[laughs]: Yeah, right.

I'm serious.

If it wasn't for me, none
of this would be happening.

I'm your grandmother.
If it weren't for me,

you wouldn't be happening.

How about this: no
hourly wage, just a cut.

What kind of cut you thinking?

- Five percent.
- Three percent.

- Five.
- Three.

You're supposed to go in
the middle and say four.

Why don't you say four?

Fine, four.

- Two.
- Come on.

I'll tell you what,

we're in the gambling business,
why don't we gamble for it?

Okay.

Great.

The number I'm thinking of in
my head... is it odd or even?

How dumb do you think I am?

In my defense, you used to be dumber.

Why don't you two have a seat.

In here?

Did somebody die?

No, I just want to talk to you.

They're getting divorced.

At least they waited until
one of us was in college.

We are not getting a divorce. Just sit.

So, you two are both growing up,

and I thought that maybe it might
be time to have a talk about...

that and some of the things
that go along with... that.

[whispers]: What is happening?

I think she's trying to have
the human reproduction talk.

- Oh, God.
- Uh, speaking of God,

He is very clear about
the do's and the don'ts,

especially the don'ts.

I'm not talking about this with you.

I don't think you'll have
any new information for me,

but I'm happy to chime
in with biology facts.

I don't have any questions.

I'm good. Can we be done now?

So, you'll ask Pastor Rob,
but you won't ask me?

I didn't ask you 'cause
I know what you'll say.

You don't know what I'm gonna say.

"It's a sin." "You're too young."

"Wait till marriage."

Well, it is, you are, and you should.

You can't be too young
if you're an aphid,

some of them are born pregnant.

I didn't do anything wrong.
I just asked some questions.

Well, you can ask me.

I'm not asking you anything, ever.

It's just her hormones.

Would you like to learn more?

When children reach adolescence,

a cascade of hormones are released...

[music playing softly
through headphones]

- What are you doing?
- Making sure you don't run away.

- Why?
- Because that's what happened

the last time you and Mom fought.

I'm not going anywhere.

Now, get out of here, creepo.

Why did you get so mad at Mom?

I don't want to talk to
her about that stuff.

- It's so embarrassing.
- Why?

If you have to ask, then
something's wrong with you.

But the topic was procreation,
and she clearly has procreated.

Ew.

[knock on door]

Hey. You got a minute?

Sure. Come on in.

[sighs]

I just wanted to say, about
yesterday, you were right.

- Oh.
- I don't have kids,

I overstepped my bounds, and I'm sorry.

Thank you for saying that.

- Forgiveness five?
- [chuckles] Sure.

Oh, come on now, that didn't
feel like you forgave me.

All right. I'm feeling it.

Okay, well, I'll let you get back to it.

Actually, um...

I might have overstepped yesterday.

In fact, I... think there
might be some value

in the kids hearing some of these things

from people other than their parents.

Great. [chuckles]

Hey, maybe it's something
you and I could do together?

Oh, no, no, no, this was your idea.

Yeah, but you've got
way more experience.

With kids, I mean.

[chuckles] I know what you meant.

[chuckles]

Plus, it would be great for
them to hear from a woman.

So, either you or Peg, so...

Oh. I want to scare them,
but not that much.

So, you'll do it?

Okay.

I'll tell Pastor Jeff.

I like watching his face get all red

when I mention S-E-X.

[chuckles]

Hey, yours does, too.

[chuckles]

MEEMAW: So, you're
gonna give us your ticket,

and we're gonna give you the teddy bear.

Why would I want a teddy bear?

'Cause then we're gonna
buy the teddy bear back.

But I said I don't want a teddy bear.

I want cash.

You're gonna get the cash.

Then why do you keep
talking about a teddy bear?

'Cause this way it ain't gambling.

But I want to gamble.

Well, gambling's illegal.
This is a gray area.

- Just give him the cash.
- No, he's gonna get this.

I don't think he is.

Listen to your Meemaw. I don't get it.

Just give me your ticket.

Wow.

That is a nice teddy bear.
I'd like to buy that from you.

I don't think he got it.

SHELDON: And then Missy
said it was embarrassing

to talk to our mother
about reproduction.

Interesting, yet the two
of you are living proof

she has at least a working
knowledge of the subject.

That's what I said, then Missy
said something's wrong with me.

Oh, I think you're as normal as I am.

Thank you.

Although, I have been called an odd duck

and, one time, a quirky turkey.

Those people were probably jealous.

You know, there's some
science to indicate

that adolescents process embarrassment

with a different part of
their brain than adults do.

Really? So maybe Missy's
right, and I'm an outlier.

Perhaps.

Let's increase our sample size.

Andy, would you feel embarrassed

talking about sexual intercourse

with your mother?

Uh...

Stammering, red-faced.

He does seem embarrassed.

Although, he may just be embarrassed

by the subject in general.

How would you feel discussing
it with a co-worker?

Say-say me, for example.

And now we know conversations like that

can cost you your job.

You learn something new every day.

I think First Corinthians :

is actually a pretty
good place to start.

"Each man should have
relations with his own wife,

and each woman with her own husband."

Yeah, I'm just not sure
quoting scripture

is the most exciting way to engage.

I was going more for guilt and fear.

Well, those are classics for a reason.

I just think that if we make
the fruit too forbidden,

someone might want to sneak a bite.

They look up to you.

If you say that abstinence
is the way to go,

they'll listen.

Well, abstinence is important.

But I also believe in honesty,

and abstinence wasn't my journey.

Oh.

Well, that's none of my business.

That's okay. I'm not saying I'm
proud of everything I've done,

but, you know, I was young, the
mustache was just coming in...

You could stop right there.

Look, all I'm saying is,
I was a little wild,

but it's all part of what
led me to the Lord.

That is good to hear.

Actually, this is great.

You can tell the kids how
you waited till marriage.

I think it'll be really powerful
for them to hear your story.

Uh-huh, right, right.

Right.

Something seems not right.

Um, it's just, um...

[chuckles]

I didn't wait all the
way until marriage.

Hey, none of my business.

Thank you.

But I appreciate the honesty.

- Well, this just got a little awkward.
- Yup. Yeah. [laughing]

- All right, have a good one.
- Okay.

Oh...

[stammers]

♪ We're in the money ♪

♪ We're in the money ♪

♪ We've got a lot of what
it takes to get along ♪

♪ We're in the money... ♪

Oh! Don't take all my money!

I'm just a Texas grandma

trying to make people happy. [laughs]

♪ We never see a headline... ♪

Here you go.

Ooh, sweet bear.
I'll give you bucks for it.

♪ We can pay, oh ♪
♪ We're in the money... ♪

How we doing?

There's a problem with the cash box.

Oh, what's that?

I can't get it to close.

That is my kind of problem.

Pastor Rob. Well, this is a surprise.

Sorry to show up unannounced.

- Can we talk?
- Of course. Come in.

- Everything okay?
- Yes,

but I need tell you
something in confidence.

No one's home. It's just the two of us.

That's what I was hoping.

- MALE VOICE: Oh, yeah.
- Why are you in my bed?

Why are you?

This is wrong.

Does it feel wrong?

No.

Mary Cooper,

I want to sex you up.

I would like that very much.

♪ I wanna sex you up. ♪

[gasps]

- Everything okay?
- Yeah, I just, um...

I had a weird dream.

Must've been a doozy.

You're all sweaty.

[sighs]

♪ I wanna sex you up. ♪

- What a haul, huh?!
- Amazing.

Now what happens?

I take it home, pour it on the bed,

and just roll around in it.

What about me?

You just go home.

No. We're partners.

First of all, we're not
partners, and second...

Actually, "not partners"
covers it all pretty well.

Fine. Good luck laundering
this money without me.

You know how to do that?

I've seen Scarface, like, ten times.

Great. I'll just watch Scarface.

Dang it.

_

Pastor Jeff, you wanted to see me...

Oh. Hello.

Looks like we both got called
to the principal's office.

Guess we've been naughty.

[laughing]

That's not a thing.

You okay?

Yeah, I just didn't sleep too good.

Well, I didn't either.

My phone was ringing off the hook.

Apparently, this little talk
y'all were planning on giving

- is causing quite the tizzy.
- A good tizzy?

There's no such thing as a good tizzy.

There's only bad tizzies.

You know who wasn't
afraid of causing a tizzy?

Yeah, yeah, Jesus,

but He didn't get messages

from angry parents on
his answering machine.

There was probably more,
but that little tape got full.

Yeah, people have had
some strong feelings,

but I think if they heard us out,

they'd see we're not putting impure
thoughts in anyone's heads.

Right, Mary?

No. I mean, I mean, yes, we're not.

I mean, if we're upsetting people,

we should just back off.

Exactly. The talk is off.

I never want to talk
about the talk again.

Hallelujah.

If you'll excuse me,

I have phone calls to return.

Well, sorry this didn't work out.

It's probably for the best.

MARY: Do not look at his butt.

- Do not look.
- [door opens]

Okay, do not look again.

MAN ON TV: ... the weather
didn't finish him off,

- you can bet that the polar bears did.
- [front door closes]

Not necessarily.

- Everything okay?
- No.

- What's wrong?
- Everyone's parents are upset

about the sex talk Mom wants to give,

and all my friends are all blaming me.

What? This wasn't your fault.

That didn't stop Marjorie Jones

from taking my seat at the lunch table,

and I also got uninvited
from two birthday parties.

That's silly. All you
did was ask questions.

And it's ruining my life.

I'm never talking about sex ever again.

Well, all right.

- [door opens]
- [Jake clears throat]

Hey, there, Connie.

What do you want?

Is that any way to greet
an officer of the law?

Sorry. What do you want?

I hear you're back in business.

We're not breaking any laws. [chuckles]

People are just winning these prizes.

- That you buy back for cash.
- It's a gray area.

Look, I-I'm not here to argue.

At the risk of repeating myself,

what do you want?

I've heard that in cash
businesses such as this,

that some owners can benefit

by having a strong relationship
with their local police department.

What are you getting at?

I'm just wondering if there's
something you can do

to incur good will.

- Are you shaking me down?
- No.

Are you hitting on me?

No. Uh...

I'm just saying I've heard some
business owners like to invest

in local law enforcement.

You are shaking me down.

It's a gray area.

What kind of contribution
are we talking?

[inhales] Well, that's up to you.

Oh, I understand that
somewhere between nine

and % is popular.

Ten percent?

[chuckles] If you insist.

How about three?

Three what?

Three counts of illegal gambling?

Three years in jail?

I'm paying you in quarters.

[knock on door]

Missy, I know you're upset.

Would you like a hot beverage?

MISSY: Go away.

ADULT SHELDON: Every
culture has their taboos.

In the Ukraine, it's
rude to whistle indoors,

and they're correct. Not a fan.

In our society, any discussion
of human reproduction

seems to be so upsetting,
it causes nothing but chaos.

Lost jobs.

Lost friends.

[crying]

Sleepless nights.

Even the word "sex" provokes
an uncomfortable reaction.

I thought "fornicate" might work,

but that seemed too judgy.

Then I found the perfect word,

a word so bland and clinical

that it would be impossible
to take offense to it.

"Coitus." That'll work.

My little angel.

["Bridal Chorus" plays on organ]

Do you, Pastor Rob, take Melissa
Cooper to be your wife?

Heck yeah.

And do you, Melissa Cooper,

take Pastor Rob to be your husband?

I totally do.

I hereby pronounce you

Mr. and Mrs. Youth Pastor Rob.

You may now take the bride to Six Flags.

- MISSY AND ROB: Yay!
- [whoops]