02x05 - Inspection

[bunniefuu]

[Mo] Tell them what
my biggest fear is.

[Suj] Being hit by a block
of frozen piss.

Frozen blocks of piss, biggest
silent k*ller known to man.

When you go into the aeroplane
now, you have a little wee wee,

that wee wee goes into
an unpressurised compartment.

-What temperature is it?
-It's like minus .

Minus . So the wee wee
freezes now.

This one time that compartment
on the aeroplane blew up, alright?

And this frozen block of piss

comes hurtling towards
planet Earth. Bap!

Hits this tractor man
sitting on his tractor, dead.

-I mean, dead, innit?
-Totally dead from the piss.

Properly dead, you understand?
What happens next?

-The piss melts. -The piss melts so the
federales turn up now thinking,

"Rah, what's happened to this
guy?" You know what happened?

They thought it was death
by piss, you understand?

Thought he'd just raggo
pissed himself to death.

It was a crazy situation.
Bruv, are you listening?

-Yeah.
-I forgot what I was saying.

♪ No doubt about it ♪

♪ I'm on my way ♪

♪ Taking over ♪

♪ I'm here to sta-ay-ay ♪

♪ We're teaming together ♪

♪ That's what I say-ay-ay ♪

♪ One way to do this ♪

♪ Taking over today! ♪

♪ We're taking over ♪

♪ We're taking over today ♪

In the modern era, it's not
enough for an organisation

to perform competently, it also has to
maintain an active social media profile.

Northend Airport
is no different.

Now I need somebody to take
over our Twitter account.

We haven't done a Tweet
for two years

and the last one said, "Northend
Airport Twitter account now live.

-Hashtag up and running".
-Good Tweet.

We need to up our game.
So who's going to volunteer?

-Tariq, why don't you do it?
-Er, why don't you do it?

-Oh, I can't do it. I'm not
allowed on social media. -Why?

Because my daughter says if I go
on Twitter, she'll k*ll herself.

-Huh, is that...? No.
-OK, Clive. Sure, thank you.

[laughs] Great.

-Do I get a work phone?
-No.

-Like a badge or a sash?
-No.

-That's a hard no?
-Yep.

It's time for our annual
inspection and the bad news is,

it's Mary Parfitt.

-[groans] -Yep, so I'm not dealing
with her on my own.

I need somebody to help me.

So on your feet, everyone,
let's draw straws.

Sorry, I'm late.

Or not.

[Andy]
I'm not late.

I'm never late.

This morning, I was late because
I was helping my neighbour out

cos she lost her cat and I thought,
"It's fine, cos I'll get good karma."

But then...

karma's bullshit.

Having willingly volunteered,

Agent Church heads
to Proctor's office

to discuss the best qualities

of the imminent inspector
Mary Parfitt.

-She's not that bad.
-No, not that bad.

-Yeah.
-No.

She's not that bad.

Meanwhile, Agent Brodie
appears restless.

It seems he has something
to discuss with Agent Mansoor.

Alright, Tariq?

-Hey, man.
-Hey.

What did you get up
to last night?

Nothing much,
just a bit of Netflix.

-Netflix, cool.
-Yeah.

Netflix and chill?

-What about you, Grant?
-Funny you should ask actually.

Erm, yeah, a little bit
of development

in the old arena of love.

You've finally been right
swiped? Bit of...yeah?

No, man.

Last night, I was, erm...

I was feeling a wee bit lonely
and... Don't judge me on this.

But I, er... I called Dasha.
Remember Dasha?

My ex-girlfriend who
moved back to the Ukraine.

Yeah, silly, I know. Anyway,

turns out she's moved out. This
girl Katja lives at the flat.

We got talking, right. Turns out
that we've got loads in common.

we're both the same star sign,
we've both got brothers.

-We were talking for ages.
-I'm happy for you, man.

-Thanks. -What's with you
and these Ukrainians, eh?

Cooking with wine, Tariq,
you know, cooking with wine.

Meanwhile, during an unusually
quiet period at passport control,

Agent Hassler gets to grips with
his Twitter responsibilities.

I did feel kind of nervous
at first, you know.

The first Tweet is
a big responsibility.

I Tweeted, erm, er...

"Passport control
at Northend Airport".

"Doors functioning properly at Northend
Airport passport control, lovely".

[coughs]

"This is the breakfast
of a border guard

when they're on passport
control at Northend Airport".

"This is the uniform that
I wear. I'm Clive". [coughs]

"This is the stamp that
we use at passport control,

Northend Airport,
hashtag stamp".

[coughs] "This is the
reserve stamp that we use, er,

when the first stamp runs out.
Hashtag stamp".

[coughs]

"Is this a new carpet
at Northend Airport?

No, it's the same carpet,
hashtag new."

[coughs]

[Linda] Teamwork,
no man is an island.

Yep. Yeah, I know.
No man left behind.

In the office, Proctor and Agent
Church make last-minute preparations

for the arrival
of inspector Mary Parfitt.

Mary! Hi!

Thank you so much for coming.
Lovely to see you...again.

That's great.
I'll just pop this...

I'll just pop this up here,
if that's OK.

Erm, you remember
my colleague Andy Church?

-No.
-Hi. Oh?

-Can I get you a tea or coffee?
-I don't drink...anything.

So how was your trip
here today? Traffic?

-Took the train.
-Great.

-All the way here. -Yeah, so where
would you like to begin, Mary? Arrivals?

Departures.
[clears her throat]

[blows whistle]

[blows whistle]

[Linda] Mary Parfitt coming to do the
inspection is really bad news for us,

because she is a stickler.

I have a bit of a complicated
relationship with authority figures.

Most of me is like, "Ooh, please
like me! Give me a brownie badge!

Please approve of me!" and
then another part of me is like,

"What's the point?
We're all gonna die!"

[she claps]

Back downstairs, baggage
handlers Mo and Suj have warmed

to their theme of frozen objects
falling from aeroplanes.

-There's a chicken as well.
-That's an urban myth/bullshit.

You know your problem, yeah?
You, my friend, are too naive, bruv.

Think about it, scientifically,
if a frozen chicken now

-has fallen out the aeroplane.
-Yeah.

-It's gonna shatter on impact.
-It'd bounce.

-Shatter.
-It'd bounce.

It's gonna shatter. Camera, can
you tell him? Where you going?

I'm gonna get a frozen
chicken and prove it.

Meanwhile, Agent Brodie pays
a visit to Agent Mansoor

to discuss a private,
sensitive matter.

-Look at that.
-Dude, not here.

Not really allowed to...
No, I don't wanna look at it.

That's Katja.

Oh, OK! OK.

-She sent me that last night.
-Yeah, yeah, she seems, er...

-Generous.
-Yeah.

[Tariq laughs]

Hey, so that is...
sexting, right?

-Quite a common thing, eh?
-Yeah.

-Like, everyone does it, yeah?
-Everyone, yeah.

[laughs]

Do you do it?

I have done, yeah, yeah.

What should I do?

You know what?
Do some pull-ups first,

to get a bit like toned and wear
something that sticks to you.

Oil up?

You know, if you're comfortable
with that. Yeah, why... Yeah.

You know what? Keep it simple.
Just all the buttons undone.

Er, just...all
the attention's there.

-I get it.
-Yeah?

-I get it.
-OK. [laughs]

Totally get it.

At passport control, Agent
Hassler is beginning to enjoy

his burgeoning carrier
as a social media guru.

I got some, er, I got
some replies to my Tweets.

See what we've got, see what
the general public thinks.

[laughs] OK.

Er, wow, that's, er,
your opinion

and you've spelt it wrong,

so, no, I will not suck the...
what you're saying, because...

OK, this person agrees
with the first person. Erm...

Yeah, a lot of them are
focusing in on the forehead.

Which I... I can't help
the way that I look.

It's just, er... Yeah,
I'm not reading that one.

Not reading any more,
thank you.

One, two, three.

But there's no time
to bask in his success.

Things get serious
when Mary Parfitt arrives

for her rigorous inspection.

.

[Mary]
I get brought in to quick fix

all of the broken bits.

But I can confirm
that there has been

a significant and
creative push towards...

an explicit and lasting
integrated sourcing strategy.

Faster, faster!

-Faster, faster, faster!
-Come on!

Right!

Undergoing such
a thorough inspection

has been stressful
for all the agents,

but happily for them,
as the working day ends,

so does Mary Parfitt's
time at Northend.

That's just about everything.

And we look forward to
seeing you again next year.

-Tomorrow.
-Tomorrow?

You want to come
back again tomorrow?

-Shouldn't I?
-No, it's just...

Is there anything wrong?

Is there?

Erm, no, that's...

It's just that tomorrow I've got
some really important meetings,

but Miss Church here
can take care of you.

-I'm on the early tomorrow.
-It's OK, I'll cover that.

-Thank you.
-You're welcome. So, er...

-Where are you staying?
-Hotel.

Hotel, right, yes.
I thought it might be a hotel.

Do you think, Andy,
that it might be a hotel?

Yeah! A hotel was
my first guess, yeah.

Can we, er...
Can we get you a...

-Lift?
-I was going to say cab.

-What?
-Andy will be happy to take you.

-I haven't got my car here.
-Take mine.

-OK.
-Oh!

[Clive] First session
done for the day. Erm...

new followers, er...

Blocked .

Erm, liked three.

And, er, followed one -
Katy Perry.

-Well, do the ting then.
-Science.

I'm so sure, billion billion
percent sure, it will shatter.

-Go on, throw the ting.
-You wanna watch some science?

Yeah, I wanna watch. I know!

-It's gonna shat--
-Science.

Having passed on his
sage words of advice,

Agent Mansoor is slightly
concerned that he may have steered

Agent Brodie way out
of his comfort zone.

-Hey, man.
-Hey.

-So did you...?
-Oh yeah, like, yeah.

We had, like, erm, like
a real back and forth, you know.

I went for it. Yeah, like,
I sent her a picture of my cock.

-And then of my balls.
-[laughs]

Pretty much going out now so...

Whoa! That's to ,
Grant, to , eh?

-Yeah.
-That's good.

You know, it's like,

like she gets me.

Yeah.

Having discovered that he may
be somewhat out of his depth

as the Twitter voice
of Northend Airport,

Agent Hassler quietly seeks
help away from the office.

-Ding-dong!
-Oh! Hi, Clive!

C to the L to the I to the
vizzle, what you saying, bruv?

-Hey, man.
-You alright, yeah?

Afternoon. Er, Mo,
are you on Twitter?

-Yeah, Suj, are we on, erm...?
-Yeah, we're on Twitter.

I've been doing these Tweets
all day, all morning,

and people have just been
really mean about them.

-Oh, that's not nice. -Saying they're
boring and saying things about me

and my appearance and
my forehead and just...

I don't know, is there
something I'm doing wrong?

Listen, Twitter is a simple
exercise, alright?

It's about blue ticks, it's
about sex, it's about v*olence.

Blue ticks are hard to get hold of

and I don't want to see
you two have sex on camera.

So we could stage
a fight right now.

Put that on Twitter, that'll
be loads of re-Tweets, come.

-Yeah, I'll fight you.
-Fight, alright.

Oh, no, actually, it has
to be about the airport!

-Oh, OK.
-Cos it's the Northend Twitter account.

That's easy, just make it up,
just write anything.

"Northend Airport, Britain's
most popular regional airport."

-Just Tweet that.
-That's a good Tweet.

-That's a good fake Tweet.
-Fake Tweet?

-Yeah.
-You can do that?

Someone already liked it.

That's what I'm saying.
Let me show you how it's done.

"Huge dr*gs bust at Northend's
Airport". Tweet that.

-dr*gs bust?
-There you go.

-Say no more, Clivey.
-Yeah!

[laughs]

Don't record this bit,
bossman, yeah?

Take them pants for me?

Mary Parfitt has returned for
her second inspection day,

but Proctor is mysteriously
nowhere to be found.

Luckily, Agent Church is able to
share her extensive expertise.

We also have some doors
leading off it.

Doors allow us to gain
access into the rooms.

Originally, actually, the
airport was built without doors

but we found it too difficult
to get into any of the rooms.

Back in the office,
Agent Mansoor is concerned

that Agent Brodie seems
a little pre-occupied.

-What's up, man?
-Oh, man, I...

I don't think it's going
to work out with Katja.

-Sure, man, long distance is...
-No, man, she's...

She's blackmailing me.
So her and, like, this guy...

This guy Vladimir,
I think he's behind this.

Behind what?

They want five grand or...

they're gonna post
my cock online.

OK, that's...

-And my balls.
-Oh, dear, OK.

Schoolboy error. You don't show
your face in those pictures

and you don't wear
your uniform either.

Plus side, he's got the
biggest d*ck I've ever seen.

We might have to get the police
involved. Don't reply.

Just don't use
that number any more.

No, no, no, Tariq.
How am I gonna get her back?

What? No, no, mate, you, er...

-Don't reply.
-Thank you, Tariq, thank you.

Er, that's a radiator. We
use that mainly in the winter,

which we see a dip in
temperature. That's a door.

Orange door.
That's a double yellow door.

The colours
don't mean anything.

And this is baggage handling,

where we load the luggage
onto the trolleys.

-You wanna watch some science?
-That's Mo and Suj.

I know! Remember that fit?

Throwing chickens and
this is an extractor fan.

It did shatter a bit. That's
a piece of shatter there, look.

That's ice.
That's a bit of ice.

Shatter!

-Shatter there!
-What is shatter?

Growing increasingly concerned,
Agent Mansoor checks in on Agent Brodie

for an update
on the Katja situation.

-Hey, man.
-Hey.

So you've closed it down,
yeah? You're laying low?

I tried to close it down. Like, I asked
her to stop blackmailing me.

-OK.
-But then I did it again.

Did what again?
Sent her another photo?

-Yeah.
-Yeah, OK.

-Erm, I just... You know...
-Why, man?

Cos we got chatting
and she made me laugh,

and she's funny and she gets me
and I just thought

that we were
back on track again.

But I think I know what
I'm gonna do, I'm gonna...

-I'm just gonna pay.
-Five grand?

-You've got five grand to pay?
-No.

They'll come back for more.
That's what will happen.

That's... I want her
to come back for more.

-No, mate. It's a scam, mate.
-It's a scam.

What if your mum sees it?
Did you think about that?

No. My mum? No.

You can't get rid
of this stuff online.

That's it. OK, are you
gonna send another?

-Maybe. Take that, just in case.
-Thanks.

At passport control, Agent
Hassler is about to discover

that openly lying on Twitter
has consequences.

Clive. "Big dr*gs bust
at Northend Airport.

Keeping dr*gs
and bad people out, MNGA"?

Yeah. it's "Make Northend Great
Again" just like with the--

Well, it's just lie after lie.

"Border agent to get shout-out
out on new Stormzy track"?

Who's Stormzy?

-I think it's jazz.
-It's not good enough, Clive.

I'm going to have to take
control of Twitter again.

Not only that, but it seems that
Mary Parfitt has seen them too.

..Led to the collapse of
the Romanov Dynasty in Russia.

Who's running your
Twitter account?

You've been hiding your
light under a bushel, eh?

If it hadn't been for Twitter,

I wouldn't have known about
all these accomplishments.

Hey, why didn't you tell me?

-Oh, well, I don't like to...
-[laughs] Where's that bushel?

Where's the bushel?
Wow! So pumped!

-Good.
-It's great.

-Wanna go for lunch then?
-Yeah! Famished! Ra-ra-ra!

-[they laugh]
-Come on.

As a delighted Mary Parfitt
takes Proctor for lunch,

Agent Hassler knows
it's a job well done.

I...

I'm not % sure but
I think I just saved Twitter.

But later Agent Brodie's body
language is so obviously deflated

that, despite her sudden change
of fortune, even Proctor notices.

Tariq, what's up with Grant?

Grant's being blackmailed? How?

Oh, God! God!

No, no, no,
don't enlarge it!

As Proctor deletes the offending picture
immediately, after a few minutes,

the team at passport control
make use of a rare quiet period

to hone their
professional skills.

Later on, in the office,
a brooding Agent Brodie

approaches Agent Mansoor's desk
with an extremely unique problem.

-Tariq.
-Yeah.

Somebody's got hold of my
cock and they've Tweeted it.

What?

-Did you Tweet my cock? -Mate, I
definitely didn't Tweet your cock.

-No.
-Jesus!

You'd think I'd be pretty mad
about the whole situation,

but I'm feeling
pretty liberated cos,

-now she's got nothing on me.
-Oh, thank God, man.

Someone's put
my cock out there.

-Oh, OK.
-It's like...

It's like my Colin Farrell
sex tape.

-Yeah, yeah, yeah.
-I've got one!

[laughs] You've
got a sex tape now.

-Maybe one day you'll have one.
-Nah.

-[laughs] Oh!
-Mmm...

Maybe...

Nah.

It'll come out in the wash.

-We knew it was him! you can't get
staplers that size any more! -No!

As the annual inspection
comes to an end,

the success of the Northend
Airport Twitter profile

has made Mary Parfitt's day, leaving
her and Proctor on glowing terms.

[mobile rings] Oh! Oops!

It was me. I accidentally
Tweeted a cock.

That's a sentence I didn't think
I'd be saying today, or ever.

Here at Northend Airport,
we like to...

Tweet cocks?

Hi.

likes.

So they've passed and,
erm, I can confirm that.

And with this, I will, erm,
take it to head office...

all the way.

♪ No doubt about it ♪

♪ I'm on my way ♪

♪ Taking over ♪

♪ I'm here to sta-ay-ay ♪

♪ We're teaming together ♪

♪ That's what I say-ay-ay ♪

♪ One way to do this ♪

♪ Taking over today! ♪

♪ We're taking over ♪

♪ We're taking over today ♪