02x06 - Workshop

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Borderline". Aired August 2016 - current.
"Borderline" follows the work of an inept team of UK border officials at the fictional Northend Airport.
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02x06 - Workshop

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[Andy] Actual modelling?

-[Tariq] Yeah, yeah, yeah.
-[Andy] Oh, dear.

-How did this come about?
-Just some scout came up to me.

-I was doing a set.

Yeah, right, it's...

[Tariq] The first sh**t
went really well.

They said I've got like
a really good general face.

You know, I can do this one.

And then... Oh, yeah,
there's that one.

And then there's
this one as well.

I've got another sh**t tomorrow.

-Is it for jumpers?

-Oh, hair. Hair Wow?
-Yeah, yeah.

-That's my brand!
-[Andy] Oh, my God!

-Oh, my God.
-That's Clive's brand.

♪ No doubt about it ♪

♪ I'm on my way ♪

♪ Taking over ♪

♪ I'm here to sta-ay-ay ♪

♪ We're teaming together ♪

♪ That's what I say-ay-ay ♪

♪ One way to do this ♪

♪ Taking over today! ♪

♪ We're taking over ♪

♪ We're taking over today ♪

[Linda] So what are we all
doing at the weekend?

-Car boot sale.
-[Andy] Parkour.

Wrong! We are having
a workshop!

-[Grant] f*ck!

With stand-up comedienne
Eleanor Wilson,

who's going to teach us

dealing with the public
and communication,

all through games
and role play.

-Oh, come on!

It might help us be
better employees.

You might even enjoy it. Andy!

-You are not pulling a sickie.
-I've never pulled a sickie.

What about the away day?
What was it you had again?

Consumption, wasn't it?

I was reading Jane Austen and I
thought that was still a thing.

Well, no consumption!

Except of alcohol
in the pub after!

OK, you can all go.

-You OK?
-Yeah, why?

-You've got a cough.
-Oh, er, no.

I was just trying to
get out of the workshop.

It's Saturday morning
and the agents file in

with boundless enthusiasm
as they give up their weekend

for voluntary, mandatory training
with comedian Eleanor Wilson.

So you're primarily
a comedienne?

Comedian, not comedienne.

You wouldn't say
"doctress", would you?

Well, why don't you talk me through
what's going to happen in the workshop?

You don't remember me, do you?

Sorry I? Should I have
seen you in something?

Maybe if I had mayonnaise and
ketchup smeared all over hair,

you might remember.
"Stop it, stop it!"

[gasps] Lezzer Lennie!

We were at school together
she had a nervous breakdown,

moved to Birmingham.
God, Lezzer Lennie!

In those days,
it was different.

If you called someone a lezzer,
it was a term of endearment.

It's not like that anymore.
Wouldn't say it now.

Oh, God! [laughs]

-Oh, we were terrible girls,
weren't we? -Yeah.

Well, you were.

So the workshop, tell me more.

It's all in the literature,
which I'm sure you've read.

Learning through role play
with particular emphasis

placed on status.

So good to see you.

[Clive] Hey, how was your
modelling sh**t last night?

[Tariq] Er, it
was alright, it was cool.

-What was it for?
-It was like a general sh**t.

Kind of non-specific pharmacy
or something.

Wait, did you have to
make a face like, "Aaah!"?

Whoa! It's not that bad, is it?
We haven't even started yet.

Hello, everybody! Welcome,
welcome to my workshop.

My name is Eleanor Wilson.

We're gonna have fun over
the next couple of days.

We're gonna workshop,
we're gonna role play.

We're just gonna generally
shake things up a bit.

First of all though, very, very
important for the workplace,

-is trust exercise.

Right, now, you see
what happened there?

That shows you have to have your
wits about you at all times.

-Proctor, thank you.

OK, so let's throw these
balls around! There you go!

I like to think
I help people to escape

and yet at the same time
to find themselves.

I want them to leave
their cage and fly,

and that's why
I do the workshop.

That and the fee.

I've got quite a big,
quite a big mortgage.

Now there's another muscle
that's very important,

especially in your job
and it is here.

It's the vocal chords.
So can you help me, Proctor?

Oh, yeah, sure.

Say "I love you."


-Say "I love you."
-I love you.

-I love you.

-I love you.

-Higher, now higher.
-I love you.

-Higher, like a little baby.
-I love you.

Walk like a little baby.
Love you, love you, love you.

Hunchback of Notre Dame,
but he can be English this time.

-I love you, I love you.
-Yes, yes. You're a monkey!

-You're a talking monkey.
-I love you. I love you.

Show me the monkey, show me
the monkey, that's good!

Now you're a diva!

Sing! Opera sing
to the back of the room.

-Come on, high note!
-I love you, I love you!

-I love you!
-And relax. Sit.

As Proctor begins to suspect
she may be in for a long day,

baggage handlers Mo and Suj muse on
their exclusion from the session.

[Mo] Who wants to go
there anyway?

It's some guy like, "Oh, why
don't we role play to be trees?"

-Come on, bruv.
-I could be good at that.

-Bruv, no, you couldn't.
-I'll do it now look.


What's that one?

The willow tree and that?

Oak? Oak.

Oh, that's interesting.

Palm tree in the tsunami?

Last one. Yeah, waves.

[whispers] It's got
conkers on it.


-Conker tree!

-Horse Chestnut tree.
-Five out of five for me.

Four trees, five out of five.

-Was it only four?
-It's five out of five.

Cut that bit off there,
bossman, you understand?

I can do my times tables,
, , , , . , .

-OK. Where's Larry?
-[all] Larry!

As the morning progresses,
slowly but surely,

the agents begin to loosen up
and engage with the role play.

Where's my bowl of fruit?

Oh, Captain, you shouldn't
be steering the boat!

I'm not. Someone else
should steer the boat.

[Russian accent] My name
is Vladimir and I am angry.

-Wonderful! Dorkus, Dorkus, have you
been in the fields? -Yes, m'lady.

-How did you discover the body?
-It was lying on the ground?

What happened to the voice you
created? The butler voice?

[same voice]
It was lying on the ground.

-Howdy there, partner!
-Er, howdy, partner.

-Good old animals.
-How are you, Dorkus?

Not bad, m'lady.

Proctor, be my poodle.
Will you be my poodle?

No, I wasn't
remotely embarrassed.

It's part of my job
to model really good

presentation skills
and improvisational skills,

and just to be game, you know?
I think I achieved that today.

-Does everybody love my poodle?
-[all] Yes.

Isn't he wonderful,
isn't he wonderful?

Very good. Now beg,
beg, Proctor, beg.

I mean, it's just a crock
of shit really, isn't it?


-You've been really wonderful.
-Oh, thank you.

He's been talking
about spreading out.

Well, you know sometimes DJ's
now present as well,

so they have like
personalities on stage.

Yeah, but that's
the problem, erm...

You need to have
a little bit more...you know?

-Not projection, erm...

-something to do with...
-It's like charisma?

Charisma, you need
to have more charisma.


After an exhausting morning,

over lunch, some of the team
discuss how much they've enjoyed

the subtleties
of the improvisation.

The bit when you
had to be a dog

and you were doing a wee.

But it's the self-confessed
cynic Andy Church

who's most surprised at how
much she's enjoying herself.

Yeah, yeah, I really like
Eleanor, she's really nice.

We were just chatting and
talking and sharing stories,

and memories and, yeah.
I think what I'm doing here

is describing a normal
conversation, which is nice,

because it's unusual.

Andy isn't the only agent fascinated
by the charismatic Eleanor Wilson.

As the rest of the team prepare
for the afternoon session,

Grant Brodie pops over
for a chat.

How did you get into
this business?

Well, my ex-wife
encouraged me to...

Wife. You're a lesbian.

And what about you?
Do you have a husband?

I assumed you were gay, what
with the beard and the look.

I thought you were a bear.
That's what the gay lads call your type.

-Do they?

No. Where I come from,
having a beard

is pretty much an emblem
of masculinity.

Cos you'll find that even a lot
of the Scottish rugby players,

like those guys,
they've all got beards too.

-You like the Scottish
rugby team? -Yeah, I do.

-Yeah, I bet you do.
-A lot.

Would you like a banana?

No, thank you. Bit bruised.

Ah, well...

-See you back in there.

After a relatively uneventful
afternoon session,

team bonding is scheduled
to continue in the pub.

Everyone reflects on what
a good time they've had today.

No, I have not had
a f*cking good time today.

I've been ritually humiliated,
acting like a f*cking poodle

in front of all my staff.

Now I've got to go to the f*cking pub!
Can you not, actually?

So, Eleanor, she's a lesbian.

She's got an ex-wife. I offered
her a banana, she said no.

-What we playing? -Do you know what
the capital of the Ukraine is?

Hmm, no.

Just have to hope
it doesn't come up.

Another one?
Nope, just me? Sorry.

-Yeah, they never asked her.
-[Eleanor laughs]

-Oh, I'm gonna get some nibbles.


-Hey, you winning?
-Er, no, Clive's playing.

Oh, right. Yeah.
OK, well, sorry.

Erm, Eleanor's nice.

Yeah, yeah, she's
really nice, yeah.

Really nice. We were just having
a chat about her ex-wife.

Er, yeah, she's taken
a liking to you, I suppose.

-Ah, see you later.
-Ah, there we go!

That'll help. Just crisps,
I'm afraid I don't do nuts.

-So Andy, Andy, Andy, Andy...
-Yeah, yeah.

Tell me about yourself.
Have you got a partner?

No, no boyfriend...
or girlfriend, in fact.

I don't have either
of those, erm, friends.

But if... You know, just...
I think sexuality's quite fluid.

-Yeah, I'm open. It's...

Yeah, that's a good word.

I don't know why I said that.
I'm straight. I do know why.

It's because if someone makes
an assumption about me,

I'm too much of a coward
to correct them.

My landlord thinks
that I'm Australian.

[Australian accent]
And I cannot afford to move.

-Well, that's my Uber.
-Oh, can I have a lift?

Oh. where you going? I'm
at the Travelodge. I could...

That would make more
sense actually because you...

You live right next to me,
so, yeah.

-Thank you.

-Okey-dokey then, girls.

-See you bright and early.

-Well done.
-[Grant] This is great.

What's Robert De Nero's
character in Goodfellas?




It's bright and early
on Sunday morning

and the team are back in
for their second day

of training workshops
with Eleanor Wilson.

-I'd like coffee, please.
-Right, great. Thanks.

Cheers. Thank you. Sorry,
your eyes are extraordinary.

-Oh, thanks.
-I would call that colour...

faded denim.

-Colour's extraordinary.

Oh, God! Jesus! Oh, sorry.

Ooh, you're overflowing,
my dear.

[mobile rings]
Oh, sorry, sorry!

It's OK. I'll clean it,
I'll clean it up.

Unfortunately for Andy,

certain of her colleagues
are having issues of their own.

-Hi, Proctor. -And she may not get
quite the support she was hoping for.

No, you're not! No, you're not! No, I'm
Face Timing you. I don't believe you.

[Face Time tone rings]

Where are you?
Are you at home?

Oh, hi, Andy.
Hi, I'm really sorry.

I'm just really not well.
I'm not gonna make it in today.

No, you're not!
You're fine. Look at you.

Do you know what? I think
it might be consumption. Bye.

No, no, I need you
here, Proctor. Proc...

Proctor, you f*ck! You
f*cking... f*cking f*ck!


That was Proctor.

Unfortunately, she's got...

-She's ill and can't come in.
-Is she?

-Yeah, so we're a woman down.
-[laughs] Mmm.

Yes, sorry, I didn't mean...

OK, don't worry, darling.
Let's crack on, shall we?

Proctor may be off sick, but despite not
being invited to the training sessions,

baggage handlers Mo and Suj
are hard at work, as always.

Sick? No, not me. I am here every
single day, every day of the week.

Bank holiday Mondays,
bank holiday...

all the bank holidays, you
find me here, you understand?

Yeah, but you don't do any
work when you are here.

Yeah, but you know...

Upstairs, after another full and
productive day of training,

Eleanor starts to
wrap up the session.

The colour blue,
the colour blue.

The colour blue.
Lift it, lift it, lift it.

Lift it. Take it up, take it up,
take it up, take it up.

Take it up, take it up!
Take it do-o-o-o-own.

Open your eyes.

Well done, well done!

-Fantastic, well done.

Well done. That was great,
that was great.

Oh, well, I think
we can safely say

that we really, really
trust each other now, yeah?

Let's put that trust
to the test. One final game.

Andy, will you step out here,
my love? Thank you.

Big round for Andy.
She's been great.

-We're gonna do a little trust exercise.

Now if you stand here,
my darlin'.

Stand here, stand here,
and just...

-Relax, lift...
-I'm relaxed.

-Lift your... Lift your arms.
-Oh, right, sorry.

That's it. Oh, Jack,
I'm flying! [laughs]

Now, what I want you to do
is just fall back on me.

Just trust me, I'll catch you.
Fall back on me.

-Great, yeah.
-And go!

Whoa! See? Wonderful.

Very well done.
She trusts me so she relaxes.

And when you relax,
Andy, what do you do?

-You do your best work.
-You do your best work. Wonderful.

OK, well, that's
the end of the workshop.

I so hope you've enjoyed it, cos I've
really enjoyed working with you.

Give yourself a round of
applause. You've been fantastic.

Oh, sorry. There you go,
there you go. Wonderful!

It's been a successful
weekend's training

and although Proctor
is suffering at home,

she still finds a small way
to make her presence felt.

Thank you.

Eleanor? That's
a delivery from Proctor.

-Oh, from Proctor?


"Thanks for the workshop. PS,
for what it's worth, sorry."

Well, who wants some fizz?

-Come on!

-Yeah, sure.
-Not for me.

That makes me wild
like a fox.

But I'll probably
have a pint in the pub.

Yeah, I think I'm gonna
just join Grant and,

embarrassing to say, but that
stuff makes me poo like a piggy bank.

-Oh, no!
-I'm alright as well.

-Have fun though.
-See you in the pub maybe later, yeah?

-It's just us then.
-Yeah, yeah.

Just a small one, cos
I haven't, erm, had dinner.


Cheers, darling.


-Ooh, the bubbles!

-What about the fruit bowls?

Yeah, I didn't know
which fruit to be!

As they head to the pub,
Clive and Grant are treated

to an update on Tariq's
fledgling modelling career.

Ah! Ah!

Oh! [laughs]

Guy, look! You could've
had a glass of champagne.


-I'm gonna have to get a...
-That's amazing.

Guys, no, please.
Are you kidding me?

-This is so cool.
-Take a...

-It's a whole body.
-No, guys, come on, please.

Eh, Tariq!

It's number one in the UK.

That means it's
the best advert in the UK.

You gotta be happy with that?

A little later, in the office,
Andy has nervously drunk

almost all of the bottle
of champagne to herself

and is starting to feel
a little worse for wear.

Oh, God, these lights
are so oppressive.

Yeah, sort of mind control.

Why are you here?

Cos I work here. [laughs]

I think you're too good
for this place.

It's weird that a girl that
works in an airport like this

doesn't want to
fly away somewhere.

Don't just think about it.

Shall we go to the pub then?
Shall we finish...

Let's go to the pub!

Oh, wow! Oh!

Half a bottle of champagne,
she's a cheap date.

-Right, show me where
this pub is then. -Yeah, God!

[blows raspberry]

And then a voiceover, "Has
this ever happened to you?

You need StopT!"

You want to have, like,
a big acting career.

Like, a big director could
be going through the airport.

He'll be like, "Oh, my God! That's the
diarrhoea guy. Get him in my movie!"

-It's really likely, yeah.
-You've got a thing now

that people will always associate
with you, which is great.

-My career in diarrhoea.
-Like a brand now.

Loads of people will
know you from travelling.

They're back from holiday and
they're like, "Oh, my God!

I was like looking at your face
on the packet when I was like...

-f*ck it! I'm getting rid of it.

One of the biggest
killers in the Third World.

I think, like, Brad Pitt.
He started off like that.

With diarrhoea?

Thank you. Ah!

As Tariq rushes to remove his
life-size cut-out from public view,

Andy attempts to remove herself
from her own embarrassing situation.

-Are you alright?
-Yeah, yeah! God, yeah, sorry.

-I'm a bit of a lightweight. -You
should've eaten something, I suppose.

-That, yeah.
-Actually, you know what, I think...

it would be better if
I went back to the hotel.

Now, Andy, you're wonderful
and I want you...

The thing is that I, erm...

I have a boyfriend.
It's... Yeah, it's Tariq.

-So it's a secret and I...

Andy, I was going to say
I want you to have my card,

in case you want to do
any more impro, yeah?

Oh, I'm sorry! Listen, don't be.
It happens, all the time.

That's really stupid! OK.

You're lovely,
but you're not my type.

-I like them...

Actually, Proctor,
she was my first crush.

But, er, don't tell her.

-Are you gonna be OK?
-Yeah, yeah.

-Are you sure?
-Yes, yeah. I'm just gonna go home too.

-Alright then, my darling, thank
you and bye-bye. -Thank you.

-No! Bye. [laughs]


Shut up!

You did not see any of that.

Please don't leave
and be a model.

Cos I do actually
quite need you.

As our cameras move on from
Northend Airport for another year,

we leave Tariq concerned and a little
confused by Andy's actions.

Meanwhile, now that Grant
and Clive are in the pub,

Proctor has made a startling
recovery and manages to join them,

where their weekend and their
journey ends on a massive high.

What is the capital
of the Ukraine?

Oh, my God! Oh my God!
It's Reykjavik.

-It's Edinburgh!


-How much is it?
-Three pounds.


♪ No doubt about it ♪

♪ I'm on my way ♪

♪ Taking over ♪

♪ I'm here to sta-ay-ay ♪

♪ We're teaming together ♪

♪ That's what I say-ay-ay ♪

♪ One way to do this ♪

♪ Taking over today! ♪

♪ We're taking over ♪

♪ We're taking over today ♪
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