02x02 - Episode 2

[bunniefuu]

- Gina, figlia mia...
- They told me you were dying.

So, what happens now?

Absolutely nothing.

Why do you want to work here?

Leo was always a hero of mine.

My staff have worked their arses
off to make this happen for you!

I just don't feel comfortable
lying to people.

So, what does this arrangement make me?

It makes you part of our lives,
on a trial basis.

You were under for several minutes.

What did you do?

LEO: There's a poem you
often hear at funerals.

It talks about how on gravestones,
you see two dates,

a beginning and an end with
a tiny dash in between.

That dash represents
everything you've ever done,

everywhere you've ever been.

Every breath, every kiss, every meal.

It all boils down to
just one little dash.

So, when the past threatens the future,

you've got to face it head on

because time goes fast and before
you know it, your dash will be gone.

(LIQUID TRICKLES)

(JAZZ PLAYS ON RADIO)

(MUSIC STOPS)

Your father is outside,
pissing in my bushes.

Er, we're in the middle of prep here.

Will you stop attacking those crabs
and listen? He won't budge.

Well, don't get involved.

The sooner we ignore him,
the sooner he'll go away.

That's your solution?
Pretend he isn't here?

Pathetic!

- Excuse me?
- He's an eyesore.

He's your father, your problem.

- I want you to move him right now.
- Is this about our fight?

Gina, I couldn't care
less about our fight.

This is about maintaining standards.

Oh, and by the way, Mimi and I
are moving into Farm Cottage.

You and I are strictly
business from now on.

Nothing more, nothing less.

This is private property. You have
seconds... Actually, now.

Do you see how this works?
seconds to get off my land.

All I want to do is to be
part of your life.

I look in your eyes and I still
see my little girl, my Luigina.

I know exactly what's going on here.

You've had a sniff of money
and you want your slice.

Well, you're getting niente.

, ...

Impossible! I lost my keys.

Don't test me, old man.

You don't know what I'm capable of.

I know what you're capable of,
young lady.

When you were six, you kicked
off the head of a Virgin Mary statue

- because a nun confiscated your crisps.
- Just leave me alone!

And what about my granddaughter?
I don't even know her name!

Time's up!

I'm calling the police.

(CAR DOOR OPENS)

What did he even do to you?
What could be so bad?

I thought you and I were
just business from now on.

This is my business because
it's affecting my business.

They used to call him Cuculo -
"cuckoo". Cuckoo's a parasite.

Dumps its eggs into another bird's nest,

tricks them into raising
them as their own

and when the young chick is fully grown,

that bloody cuckoo returns
and claims the nest as its own.

And that's where we're at.

Cuculo wants its nest.

(THEY LAUGH)

You know you can't just
move into Farm Cottage.

It's on the estate, it's empty

and it will keep us out
of each other's way.

You're overreacting,
all because of a dalliance.

You know full well that's
not what it's about

and would you stop
calling it a dalliance?

What do you want me to call it?

- "Final bunk-up before the big birthday"?
- Keep it down!

The whole world does not need
to know that I'm turning .

(LAUGHTER)

This is a disaster. She loves him!

Excuse me, do you mind
if we get on with this?

Because I've got covers
this afternoon.

Look, I really think this
is more of a family issue.

No, he's not my family.

He just happens to be someone
I share some of my DNA with.

OK, what I need you all
to do is go inside

- and talk this through calmly.
- He's NOT coming inside.

He needs to go back under whatever
rock it was he crawled out from.

- I think it's a good idea.
- What?

He can wait in Mimi's old room,
away from public view.

Then when you're in a better headspace,

we can sit down
and deal with this in private.

I swear if you let him
back inside my hotel...

You'll do what, Gina?

You're clearly incapable
of getting rid of him,

otherwise he wouldn't still be here.

It's happening. Deal with it.

- I want to quit therapy.
- What?

I want to quit therapy.

Do we really need to talk
about this right now?

There's nothing to talk about.

- I'm quitting.
- Absolutely not.

You've been doing so well.

Do I look like I'm doing well to you?

Well, you know,
these things do take time.

You want to quit
because it's easier to quit.

You're never going to get
anywhere in life

- if you just keep giving up on everything.
- So, it's my fault.

No, I didn't say that.

Do you know what, don't worry about it.

I'll just deal with it myself,
as always.

(GINA GROANS)

LEO: You can choose your
friends, but not your family.

Relatives are like freckles,
height, skin colour -

they come as part of the package.

You can try and run
away from your family,

you can put thousands of miles
physically between you.

But they will always come
back to haunt you.

Come in.

Can you turn that down, please?

Funny how a tune can
bring back a memory.

I close my eyes, I'm back
in my kitchen with my wife

and my daughter making lemonade.

Just turn it down.

Come on, young lady.

Don't you have a song that brings
you back into your past?

- "Freedom".
- Ha!

I got stood up by a boy
I really fancied at school.

And?

And I waited for him for two hours,

listening to that bloody
song over and over again

and if I hear it now, I'm back there.

Alone in the rain.

Come on, take a trip
back into your past with me.

Thanks!

It's the utter lack of respect, as
if my feelings don't matter at all.

Who are we mad at here?
Sam or your father?

Sam! I have no father.

To me, he doesn't exist.

Have you told Teresa about him yet?

There is no way I'm letting that man
anywhere near her right now.

Teresa's tough. Some scheming
pensioner isn't going to derail her.

You don't know him.

Sam should never have let him in.

And she did it to spite me.

What if I k*ll him for you, hmm?

Make it look like an accident.

Old man falls out of window
onto conveniently

if improbably placed
gardening implement.

Not yet.

We need to wait him out.

He's looking for attention, but I
am not going to give it to him.

I used to come here with Sam.

Couples therapy.

For some reason, she thought
I had another woman.

Be cool.

I am cool.

This is cool.

(KEYS JANGLE)

(DOOR OPENS)

(DOOR OPENS)

Sorry for keeping you waiting.

I've just seen my dead dad, like, erm...

Like this weird kind of Sixth
Sense/Bruce Willis sh*t.

OK, calm down.

Take a deep breath.

How are you feeling in yourself?

Have you been taking your medication?

f*ck my medication. I think
I'm losing my mind here.

I think you kissed me.

OK.

That's interesting.

Talk me through what you think happened.

Erm...

When you did that, erm,
Paul McKenna hippy sh*t on me,

everything got weird. There was
you, there was my dad...

This isn't the first time

you've had an inappropriate
crush on someone, is it, Teresa?

I don't have a crush on you.

Psychological projection is about
the brain defending itself

against its own unconscious impulses

by denying their existence
and attributing them to others.

- I...
- So, a person who habitually lies

will constantly accuse
other people of lying.

Someone who makes inappropriate
advances on someone

will accuse that person of...

Well...

So, you're saying it never happened?

I made it up?

What are your thoughts on this?

How clear do you feel?

Oh, no! It's the kind of place
people like me die in.

They'll find me six months later
half-chewed by my own cats.

One - you don't have cats.
Two - you're not living here alone.

Oh!

Three - it's not bad.

Hey, Gina.

Hey, you're a sight for sore eyes!

- How are you?
- Good!

Have you seen my mum?

Well, the way I feel about
your mum right now,

I wouldn't mind if I never saw her
again for the rest of my life.

What brings you back?

Dad's anniversary.

- Mmm.
- And Mum's th.

So, you've run out of euros.

Hmm.

We don't mention the birthday here

because she's buried
her head in the sand

and wants to pretend to be forever.

Oh.

Well, I was sort of thinking maybe
a surprise birthday party for her.

Have you ever met your mum?

Yeah, but only something
really, really small.

- So, not Mimi jumping out of a giant cake?
- No.

That might be exactly what we need
round here. Yeah, let's do it.

Let's have that surprise
hit her like a train.

You know they've moved out?

Can't live under the same
roof as me, apparently.

Erm, where exactly have
they moved out to?

Er, Farm Cottage,
the dead cat-smelling place?

Oh.

(WOLF WHISTLE)

Michael Palin, the
great world traveller.

How was Europe, mate?

It was all right, yeah.

I got to Düsseldorf and I got
a job in the bar by the airport.

I didn't actually get much
further than that.

Why let travel ruin the
fun of travelling, right?

Yeah.

Michael?

Hi, Mum.

- Michael!
- Hello, how are you?

- So, how is everyone? How's Teresa?
- She seems better.

I want to know EVERYTHING!

MUSIC: Wild World by Beth Orton

Guten Abend.

What the f*ck are you doing here?

It's just a flying visit.

I'm sort of arranging
a birthday party for Mum.

Yeah.

So, would you like to
hear about Düsseldorf?

No-one wants to hear about Düsseldorf.

Even people FROM Düsseldorf don't
want to hear about Düsseldorf.

Where else did you go?
Did you at least make it Berlin?

Hmm... Oh, I did get
you something, though.

Yeah. It's from the wiener dog
capital of the world.

Ah! Thank you!

Erm, well...

Well, nothing says everything's
going to be fine between us

like a dog in lederhosen.

LEO: Revenge can be sweet.

The trick is to act like you're
doing your victim a favour.

Hmm.

I saw that badge. Don't go
buying Teresa presents.

She doesn't need the setbacks, not now.

What are you doing with Mum's laptop?

I'm hacking her Facebook.

Ooh, do you know the password?

No, and why are you
hacking her Facebook?

Well, cos I want to
see her friends list.

But we're not inviting
all the friends, are we?

- It's just going to be small.
- Hmm.

Family only, really.

Yeah, family and also
a couple of her close friends.

I mean, don't worry,
it'll still be intimate.

But we do need T-shirts so, yeah.

And the password or anything.

It's Leo .

Leo...

- Yeah. All her passwords are Leo .
- Are they? Oh, that's good.

I'm in, I'm in. Right.

(PHONE BUZZES)

LEO: This guy met the love
of his life at school.

_

- Mark?
- LEO: Fell for her hard.

- In a minute.
- Mark! Is my breakfast ready?

- You should go.
- Not going to happen.

I've got a thing with some mates.

You don't have any mates.

Oi! I have mates.

LEO: One minute, you're
learning periodic tables.

The next, you're flunking chemistry

because the new girl in class
gives you butterflies.

But you used to have
such a crush on her.

Used to.

I haven't seen her since I was
a spotty teenager at school.

LEO: So, why didn't
he show up for their date?

Fear that Sam would find out
that his home life

wasn't the same as everyone else's?

When you're young, you're stupid
enough to think these things matter.

If you don't go, I'll go.

I'll say I'm you.

Hi?

I think you might be my grandad.

Yes, I am your nonno, Teresa.

It's like lookings at my Mary.
Bella, molto bella.

- Do you feel like getting really, really drunk?
- Constantly.

Recovering alcoholic.

Ah!

So, did you f*ck up Mum's life

because of the booze or did you hit
the bottle because you'd f*cked up?

A wise man once said the
answers to life's problems

don't lie at the bottom of the bottle,

but it takes a fool not to check.

That wasn't an old wise man.
Wasn't that Fred Flintstone?

I thought it was Sartre!

Do you think there's a chance
she'll talk to me?

I'm going to say... no.

She once told me you were dead.

Not only dead, but that you'd
d*ed of cancer of the anus,

the worst way any human
could possibly go.

Sicilian, like you used to get
for your mother when she was sick.

- Is everything OK, Chef?
- Yeah, fine. He's leaving.

It's what he does best.

- Gina, I was thinking...
- You were thinking what?

That some overpriced fruit would
conjure up a magical memory

- and I'd melt into your arms?
- Per favore, Gina...

Just because Sam has stupidly
allowed you in here

doesn't mean that I have
to speak to you. Capeesh?

Your mother would have
hated to see us like this.

Sam Vincent?

LEO: Look, I was a busy guy.

- _
- Two women and a kitchen to run.

I had no time to remember
birthday presents

so I set up a standing order.

Flowers every year, Direct Debit -
didn't have to do a thing.

I don't mean to offend
you on your birthday...

- But you don't want to live with me.
- I can't stay in that place.

- I want to come home.
- This isn't your home. It's a hotel.

- Rooms are for guests.
- I saved The Penrose.

I deserve a little
slice of its comforts.

- Please, the cottage will be great.
- You just don't want to be alone.

You need to man up. You're now.

I don't want to be .

I don't want to man up. I just...

All right, do what you want.
I'll be fine.

So, that's it? That's breakfast?

Not talking to me?

We're Benellis. We don't
talk to our parents.

Right, so you've met him, then?

I think you have NPD.

- Please don't start.
- Narcissistic personality disorder.

It's when we put our
own needs above others

and expect them to do the same.

I apparently have it. I think
you probably have it, too.

It's in our shitty genes, only
I'm dealing with the problem.

Is this about therapy?

No, it's about your inability
to face reality.

You don't know him. Just promise
me that you'll stay away.

He's like some kind of disease,
like a fungus.

NPD sufferers struggle to accept
that people can change.

Usually because they're so
stubborn themselves. Look it up.

(DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES)

- Mrs Vincent...
- Not now, darling.

If I wanted to chat, I'd
have brought biscuits.

I'm busy.

Come here.

Try this.

Mmm!

Unbelievable, Chef.

- Wow!
- Not too smoky?

No, perfect.

So, we'll do this for the party tonight

and we'll do the calamari
and the fig pizzettas.

OK.

- What do you need from me now, Chef?
- You are on distraction duty.

Make sure that Sam doesn't
come back here too soon.

- Happy birthday!
- Happy birthday!

Your father is still up there.

If you don't sort this out soon,
I will have to start charging him.

Fine, bill him. I told you
I wasn't going to speak to him.

- Anything else.
- We have our tasting.

- The new wine menu?
- Right.

I'm sending Adam instead. Consider
it my birthday present to you.

The gift of not having
to suffer my company.

The wine menu should set
the whole tone for a restaurant.

What are you doing?

Tasting wine.

No, no, no.

First, you take your glass.

Then examine the colour and the clarity.

Now, bring it to your nose.

(THEY SNIFF)

What do you smell?

Wine.

I thought you were a first class chef.

You have the palate of a toddler.

Indulgent, sweet.
The grape's been harvested late.

It will work well with blue cheese.

Rich, bold. Tannin's high.

Pair nicely with a fatty
cut of lamb or beef.

- OK, I'm pretty impressed.
- I'm pretty impressive.

Drink the wine. It's the
only way to really taste it.

Do you think I'm a f*ck-up?

What? No.

Erm, like, do you look at
me and think "disturbed"?

Why? Has someone said that to you?

Erm...

I think my therapist tried to kiss me.

But my head is so messed up right now,

I don't even know if that happened.

Are you serious?
Your therapist tried to kiss you?

I think so.

How can I make anyone believe me

when I'm not even sure I believe myself?

I believe you.

You don't count. You believe anything.

You believed in Santa until you were .

(CHAMPAGNE CORK POPS)

(SAM GASPS)

Cornish monks cultivated these
vines here since Benedictine times.

You want to win Gina over,
this one will help.

What makes you think I
want to win Gina over?

What's the deal between you two anyway?

There is no deal.

Reminds me of me and my ex.

You are just angry with her
because you think you have to be.

I bet you can't even
remember why you are mad.

I'm not mad!

I'm sad.

I'm hurt.

There's a difference.

It's like she feels she can mess
with everyone else's feelings

just because she is
so unsure of her own.

How are we going to get home?

We can't drive.

Come on, we're running out of time,
people will be here in a minute.

Has anyone heard from Michael?

No.

- Hi.
- Hi.

How are you doing?

I'm a friend of Teresa Benelli's.

Ah.

So, admit what you did

and I'll walk away right now.

She's ill.

She probably believes what
she saw was the truth.

Excuse me.

- Just admit what you did.
- Let go of my bike.

Just admit what you did.

Look, it's all in her mind.

You have to believe me.

OK.

(HE GROANS)

You're finished!

(HE GROANS)

She came to you for help.

(HE MOANS)

Never go near her again.

Why are you so hung up
on turning anyway?

Not even that old.

If you are a tortoise.

Or a tree.

My life just isn't
quite what I expected.

Oh, don't be so down on yourself.

(CAR STOPS)

Hi.

Why are we going to the pool?

Please don't let this
be what I think it is.

No, no, it's definitely not.

ALL: Surprise!

Happy th birthday!

Thank you, Gina.

How could you do this to me?

We thought it might be... fun.

There are people here
I haven't seen since school.

I think Gina just invited
everyone on your Facebook.

Please tell me that's a joke.

Happy th.

Not a fan of parties?

I thought you'd be leading the conga.

Hm. I think my invitation
was lost in the post.

She's still not spoken to you.

So what?

You left her. I've had
two dads abandoned me.

It was more than just leaving.

Please don't. You're just about
the only person who I don't hate.

Let's not ruin that.

Hm.

(DOOR OPENS)

Oh, hello.

This is my room.

I think you'll find that you moved.

Hm.

OK, I get it.

You get what, exactly?

You want me, I want you.

Don't be ridiculous.

How dare you!

Can you still get erections
without medical assistance?

Don't worry.

Your brother is so fit.

Totally gonna get it.

Does he know about this?

- I know, it's crazy.
- Hm?

You've got to be joking.

I'll be back.

Is that Mark?

You invited Mark?

Well, to be fair, I invited lots
of your old school friends.

I didn't think any of them would
be mad enough to show up.

I haven't seen him since he stood me up

years ago!

Well, he looks nice.

Clean, potentially weird.

Who comes to something like
this at such short notice?

Who organises something like
this at such short notice?

Look, I know that this party
is some kind of revenge

for letting your dad in,

but I still think what I
did was for the best.

You just don't understand.

I was Daddy's little girl,
he was my hero.

I worshipped the ground
that he walked on.

Then he just left. So what?

My dad left my mum.

He left while my mother was dying.

He made me watch her die slowly on
my own, because he couldn't cope.

I was eight years old.

I lost my father and my mother

and my home because of him.

Because of that man.

I'm sorry.

I didn't know.

And why would you?

You don't have to go through
life alone, you know.

There are people on your side.

Do you remember when we
used to go camping...

..and Dad used to point out
all the constellations?

And literally every single
one of them was wrong.

(SHE CHUCKLES)

Yeah!

There's Vermouth.

And that's the Dutch Horseman.

And that one there is Neptune's Dawn.

And we would never doubt him.

He could call Orion's Belt
the Unholy Saucepan...

..and that's just what it was.

You're not mad, Teresa.

I spoke to him.

f*ck.

What did...? Did you punch him
in the head or something?

It doesn't matter, but...

..just know that it's...

..done.

Just know that it's done.

What are you, The Rock?

Hm, yeah.

I'm just trying to look out for you.

There's Maturo Man.

The Great Centurion.

Hi.

Hey! How are you?

Older, a little bit
ragged round the edges.

Still the same old idiot inside.

You look well.

Thanks. Yep, you, too.

(INTRODUCTION PLAYS)

Hey! It's our song.

This song reminds you of me?

Yeah, of course.

It's what we used to listen to, right?

Yeah.

Hm.

How are we ?

Our school feels about five minutes ago.

When did we get so old?

Inside every -year-old is a teenager
wondering where the time went.

- Mm.
- Mm.

Do you want to see something
really embarrassing?

Mm-hm?

This is how I'm dealing with being .

(SHE GASPS)

Yeah, midlife crisis!

(HE LAUGHS) I'm getting
the whole sleeve done.

Oh, my God, you can't.
- Hell, yeah, I can.

I mean, come on, f*ck being , Sammy.

Nobody calls me Sammy!

What?

(LAUGHING:) I haven't
been Sammy for years!

Come on, f*ck... being .

Come on, say it.

Not really!

f*ck!

Being!

!

Yay!

Sammy! Sammy! Sammy!

Sammy!

CROWD: Sammy! Sammy!

Have you seen the way that
Marky Mark's been looking at you?

It's like how Mimi looks
at Trevor McDonald.

(THEY LAUGH)

What do I do?

You're asking my advice...

..after everything?

You're the only one who gets
what's going on in my big mess

of a mixed-up brain.

You may hate me, but we got
this thing, you and me...

I don't hate you.

Sure you do.

And that's fine.

It's fine.

I mean, God, I bloody
hate you too sometimes.

Thank you!

In a good way.

Like I hated that rat of a husband
of ours. Like I hate this hotel.

There is a thin bloody line
between love and hate.

And that line gets blurry.

Especially if you've had
too much champagne.

You want my advice?

Stop asking for advice,
just be yourself.

Trust yourself.

Because you know what?

You're OK.

- To being OK.
- To being OK.

MUSIC: True by Spandau Ballet

What?

Brothers and sisters don't slow dance.

Well, we're not brother
and sister, are we?

You know what I mean.

(PEOPLE GASP)

(LAUGHTER)

Teresa!

(WHOOPING)

Do you think that there's a parallel
universe out there somewhere

where I actually turned up
at that Wimpy?

Imagine us now there.

Six kids and a chocolate Labrador,

living happily ever after.

Ahh. Well, you already got the
"happily ever after" bit, right?

I'm a -year-old widow.

My son doesn't need me,

I possibly hate my job,

I'm this close to buying a cat.

I don't even like cats!

Aww, Sammy.

You're amazing.

And you can do whatever you want.

OK.

I'll see you in school.

You know, in that other life.

Let's hope that next time I have the
good sense to turn up to our date.

Bye, Sammy.

Do you remember that time
we were in town

and it was like four in the morning
and we couldn't get home?

So we stole that milk float.

Yeah, and then we were pulled over.

Drunk in charge of dairy produce.

I miss that Gina.

I miss seeing you laughing
like you did back then.

OK. Score out of ten -

one, complete bollocks glum,
ten, happy as a clam.

Er, three.

- And a half.
- Jesus. I needed the half.

I could push it to a four
if you get me a drink.

Or a ten, if we were to get married.

Oh. Slipping to a two, now.

No half?

Mmm... sorry.

I get it.

Your dad left you, Leo left you.

Every chance to be part of a proper
family has been taken away from you

by fate and arseholes.

But we can change that together.

You've got to move on from
this thing with your dad.

If you don't, you'll
never get above a four.

You'll be a four forever.

Marry me, Gina.

(FIREWORKS)

I don't remember our special
lemonade ever including rum.

As if there was ever any
spare booze in our house.

If it was wet and fermented,
it was already down your throat.

Forgive me, Gina.

Cinnamon?

Hmm?

If we're going to make this,
we'll need our secret ingredient.

Oh.

LEO: Open your eyes.

What do you see?

When it's someone special in your bed,

you know it's going to
be a beautiful day.

But then there are those mornings

when you open your eyes and
the wrong person is there.

Coyote mornings.

Mornings when you would
rather gnaw your arm off

than risk waking up whoever
you find yourself in bed with.

(SNORING)

(SIGHS)

Never gave you an answer.

It's OK.

I can wait.

Life's too short.

I don't want to spend it being a fool.

I want to be a ten.

Let's get married.

My answer's yes.

You actually think that one of us
would steal money from you?

If you don't come to us,
we're going to come after you.

I want you gone by the end of the day.

Don't you dare walk away from me!

Don't mention Gina. She is
the problem here, not the solution.

I think this is about something else.

- Just be my friend.
- I want more.

MUSIC: Love Of my Life by Richard Hawley