01x04 - The Escape Artist

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Star Trek: Short Treks". Aired: October 2018 to January 2020.*
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Stand-alone stories exploring key characters and themes that fit into Star Trek: Discovery.
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01x04 - The Escape Artist

Post by bunniefuu »

How dare you?

How dare you put your
hands on me, you filth?

When my associates get
word of this brutality,

you'll find yourself on the wrong end

of a disintegration beam.
You can count on that.

50 and 60.

Pleasure doing business with you.

Whatever he's paying
you, I'll double it.

Do you hear me? This is your lucky day.

Damn it.

I bet you never thought you'd see

this face again, did you?

You are correct,

because I have never seen
you before in my life.

Wait. Did you try and sell
me a used shuttle last year?

No! Tevrin Krit.

You slept with my sister

and stole my family's sacred cudgel.

Mr. Krit, with all due respect,
I haven't the foggiest idea

of what you're talking about.

That cudgel was passed
down by my ancestors

for over a hundred years.

I was going to give it to my son.

Uh, "cudgel"? Is that...

Are you... are you saying

"cudgel"? I've never heard of that.

Is that some sort of kitchen implement?

It's a hand w*apon

- used for close quarters combat.
- I have never seen

nor heard of a cudgel.

I think you're getting
your humans confused.

No, I am a gentleman
of the highest caliber.

Wherever you go, people sing
the praises of Harry Mudd.

We must all look alike to you.

Which an easy mistake to make

for a... a gentleman... Oh.

"Harcourt Fenton Mudd.

"Wanted by the Federation
on 30 counts of smuggling,

"20 counts of attempted homicide,

one count of attempted regicide... "

Regicide.

He was a duke. Hardly
counts as regicide.

What are we attempting
to m*rder now? Accuracy?

"Transportation of stolen goods,

and one count of...
penetrating a space whale"?

You kind of had to be there.

Sounds to me

like you pissed off the
wrong planetary alliance.

They slapped a 100,000-credit
bounty on your head,

and I'm so, so glad

that I'll be the one to
profit off your downfall.

Something to think
about during our journey.

This has all been a
big misunderstanding.

What do you say we talk this out, hmm?

Combine forces, and locate
your cudgel together?

I'm sure you're used to worming your way

out of situations like
this, but not today.

I assure you,

I have never been in a
situation like this before.

How dare you? How dare you put
your hands on me, you filth?

When my associates get word
of this brutality, they'll...

You better hope these
bindings hold, or I'll carve

off your skin

like a suckling targ!

No, no, wait, not my face!

Well, maybe I have been falsely accused

once or twice.

I can't help it if my
reputation precedes me.

I am a memorable man.

It's all scuttlebutt and
hogwash, I assure you.

Oh, great.

Oh, wait a minute. Uh,
uh, a dim memory is, uh,

bubbling to the surface
of my consciousness.

Of course.

Tevrin Krit.

With a... with a "T." "Tevrin. "

I was think...

I had a romantic
encounter with your sister.

Yes, how could I ever forget?

A forbidden tryst.

Oh, her tusks prodded my face,

her stubble grazed my lips.

Oh, it was overwhelmingly seductive.

Yes, and in a fit of passion,
I absconded with your cudgel

to keep as a memento of our secret love.

And I am not proud to say that

I sold it.

Your cudgel is now

in parts unknown,

and I am so very sorry.

You will be even sorrier

when I hand you over to Starfleet.

I had to sell it.

We were low on capital.

I really shouldn't be telling you this,

but I am a member of the resistance.

The Federation won't stop
until they've consolidated power

across the entire quadrant.

Sure, they blather and prevaricate

about "peaceful exploration,"

but what they're really after
is total hegemonic supremacy.

I've never heard of any resistance.

That's because it's
a secret resistance.

Nobody knows about it
except the resistors.

Which I am one... of them.

Look, we're not so different, you and I.

Both forced to fight for
scraps on the fringes.

If only there was a way

that we could work together. Hmm?

Pool our resources, take
control of our destiny.

You have to see the wisdom in that.

Has that line

ever worked on anyone?

It's not a line.

I'm telling you, I see
something special in you.

We're kindred spirits.

Hey, hey.

I'm telling you, we're kindred spirits.

Stop dragging your feet.

You are surprisingly strong
for your diminutive stature.

You're throwing my center off balance.

I am of normal height.
It is not my problem

you are freakishly weak.

Okay, okay. You know,

we're not so dissimilar, you and I.

Both forced to fight for
scraps on the fringes.

Maybe we could work together,

control our destiny.

Surely, you can see
the wisdom in that. Hmm?

A coalition would give us more leverage

against the Federation.

But how can I trust you?

We would both benefit from
an alliance. Why would I lie?

Because you're driven
by insatiable greed.

Precisely. So unbind me now

so we can turn a bad
situation into good business.

Is that a no? Wait...

What are you looking for?

None of your concern.

Have you lost track of your ship?

Maybe if you were a little taller,

you wouldn't get lost so often.

I know exactly where I am at all times.

What kind of bounty
hunter loses her ship?

The kind who would never be
in a partnership with you.

All right. You know,

the light dappling down
through those sewer grates

accentuates your exceptional beauty.

- Be silent.
- Are you spoken for romantically?

Because I would love to show
you the 27 moons of Tartus IV.

You're a much better captor.

She was far too emotional.

I thought you were supposed to be rich.

Oh. A common misconception,

but I have not a jot to my name.

No.

I speak the truth; any
fortune I may have had

has been liberated by
the Federation tax man.

If I had any money,
I'd be sipping jippers

on a beach somewhere

instead of being chained
up in this piece of...

...lovely... cruiser. Hmm.

I don't buy it.

I bet you stashed
away a fortune. Oh, no.

Trust me.

I am the poorest man you've ever met.

I'm telling you, I'm rich.

You let me down from here,

I'll make it worth your while.

Hmm?

I'm listening.

You'll never have to set foot

in a slum like this again.

I'll give you so much latinum,
you'll be able to wear a cape,

and nobody will be able to say anything,

because rich people get
to do whatever they want.

Your enemies will be
positively green with envy.

Greener. Hmm.

So to speak.

You'll be invited to
only the finest soirees.

I would look good in a cape.

You would look amazing in a cape.

Hey, imbecile.

You know we got a camera in here, right?

I nearly had him tricked

into thinking that I wanted his money.


You're relieved.

So you have me wrapped in chains,

in a cell, and suspended
from the ceiling?

Is there a word in your
language for "overkill"?

You seem nice. What's your name?

Your skin is...

luxuriously green.

Like a delectable lime.

You know...

This may be your lucky day.

I know the secret
whereabouts of a treasure ship

which we could...

No.

Krit. No!

This is the Federation starship De Milo.

Please identity yourself.

Oh, don't be so naive.

Don't your people have any
kind of code of conduct?

This is Tellarite merchant vessel

D-
bar-seven-five-six.

Requesting permission to approach.

Permission granted.

So, do you think you've...

talked me into lowering my guard?

This is your last chance

to use that Kn*fe you've got stashed

in your boot.

Do you want me to beg?

Because I am not above begging.

Please know...

if those Federation
lunatics get a hold of me,

they'll skin me alive and
blow me out an airlock.

I... I'm sorry about your cudgel.

That was...

was deeply wrong of me.

But you're better than this.

Tellarites are better than this.

Go on.

Take me home with you.

I'll polish your tusks.

Uh... um...

I'll braid your little beard. Please.

I'll clean the lavatories in...

on your... on this ship.

Anything, but just...

Don't hand me over to them, please.

Two to beam over.

Oh, g*dd*mn it!

You mo...

Curse the day I met
your pig-faced sister!

Welcome to the De Milo.

- How can we be of... Oh.
- Tevrin Krit.

Pleased to make your acquaintance.

More than happy to turn

this sack of durf over for the bounty.

Officer, I apologize

for this disgusting space homunculus.

I'd say you'd get used to the smell,

but you really don't.

Follow me.

Do you transfer the
latinum to my account

or just give it to me in one big bar?

I assume you bought Mr. Mudd

from some tall, female bounty hunter?

It was a fair deal.

The bounty's all mine.

True. But this is not Harcourt Mudd.

My scanner says he is.

He is an android duplicate of Mr. Mudd.

Thinly skinned with replicant DNA

and programmed to distract you

until it's too late for
you to demand a refund.

Bounty hunters have been
showing up all week with these...

monstrosities.

Someone took you for a ride.

Oh, that's a twist. Has anyone
ever told you that before?

Just gorgeous!

Oh, very good.

Mudd, tell him you're real.

No!

If I had any money,
I'd be sipping jippers

on a beach somewhere.
If I had any money,

I'd be sipping jippers
on a beach somewhere!

If I had any money,

I'd be sipping jippers
on a beach somewhere.

If I had any money,

I'd be sipping jippers
on a beach somewhere.

If I had any money, I'd be...

Jippers on a beach, jippers on a beach.

Jippers on a beach. If I had
any money, I'd be sipping...

Jippers on a beach, jippers on a beach,

jippers on a beach.

Your jipper, ma'am.

Hmm.

- Thank you, Mudd.
- You're welcome, Mudd.

Watch where you're going.

I'm mopping.

Delicious jipper.

Incoming transmission.

Will you excuse me,
boys? I have to take this.

Deactivate.

Yes, I hear you're
looking for Harry Mudd.

You can take him off
my hands for 50,000.

Excellent.

I'll meet you there.

Oh.

Would you happen to be interested

in a slightly used cudgel?

Hmm?

There a great responsibility at hand.

Someone our something is going
to end all Centian life on the galaxy.

We're on a middle of
a fight for the future.

Mister Tyler, we're always
in a fight for the future.

Be bold. Be brave.

Be courageous.

Welcome to Discovery.
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