03x06 - The Compton Crusader

[bunniefuu]

♪

Hey, what's up, bitch?

Get the [BLEEP] out of the car, bitch!

- Get the [BLEEP] out of the car!
- [SCREAMS]

You know what time it is,
bitch. Get out the car.

WOMAN: [GASPS]

[SCREAMS]

[CRYING]

[TIRES SQUEAL]

[HORNS BLARING]

[BLEEP]!

Oh, sh*t!

Whoo! That's what I'm talking about!

We got her, baby!

[METAL SCRAPING]

- The [BLEEP] is that, man?
- What the [BLEEP] are you talking about?

- Are you dragging something?
- No, I didn't [BLEEP] hit anything.

[SCRAPING CONTINUES]

- Man, I don't know. I hear something.
- Wait, I hear that sh*t, too.

- What the [BLEEP] is that?
- All right, man. Well, just...

♪

[TIRES SCREECH]

What the hell?

The hell was that?

[CAR DOORS OPEN, IGNITION CHIMING]

♪

[SHOUTS]

♪

♪

[SIRENS WAILING]

♪

♪

[LAUGHING] man. He [BLEEP] y'all up.

Wow! I mean, God damn.

Y-y'all look like you did
rounds with Adonis Creed.

And y'all didn't see nothing, huh?

Man, I told y'all, it was dark.

He had a mask.
He had body armor and sh*t.

Man, the n*gga looked like
Lego Batman, all right?

- Batman?
- Lego Batman.

Does that make you
the joker and the penguin? Huh?

[LAUGHS]

[SIGHS] Compton Crusader. Damn.

You know, they already had a Compton

Crusader up on Hollywood Boulevard,

posing with tourists like all those
other bootleg-ass superheroes.

Yeah, well, people need
heroes, too. Come on.

[LAUGHS] They do.

DIANNE: You know, whoever this guy is

has basic knowledge
of tactics, surveillance.

He hasn't made any mistakes
on this one.

None. Hmm?

Well, well, well.

Detective!

Look like you got a little
competition around here.

Finally got somebody
to keep the people safe.

You wouldn't know anything
about this, would you, Lloyd?

I know about everything.

I keep my ear to the streets,
but I need my hearing aid.

Lloyd, please. I don't walk around
with a fifth of Darby in my purse.

Can you believe this guy? [LAUGHS]

Darby?

Darby can kiss my ass.

Okay.

No Darby?

W-word is Jesus performed a miracle

and Lloyd can't get drunk.

Probably saved his life.

He ruined it. That's what he did.

Darby was the only friend I had
in times of trouble.

Now my only friend I got now
is my boy Benjamin.

Benjamin?

Yeah, the n*gga that fly that kite.

[SIGHS] For crying out loud.
I can't...

I got it. [CLEARS THROAT]
- Oh, no, partner.

Mnh. Sss.

Think this'll help your
hearing a little better?

$ ? No, no, no.

I said "Benjamin", not "Lincoln."

that mulatto-ass son of a bitch
ain't gonna get you nothin'.

- Well, if you don't want it...
- Ah!

Ehhhh...

- I-I'll take it.
- Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

All right. Y'all ready?

- Hold on.
- Listen to me.

All right. This is gonna
blow the case wide-open.

[CLEARS THROAT]

The Compton Crusader is...

[COUGHS, CLEARS THROAT]

...An African-American male.

Thank you, kindly.
Have a mighty nice day.

H-hey! Hey!

Many believe that the Compton Crusader

is more hero than villain.

Neighborhood advocates are concerned

that innocent residents may be harmed.

See, my guess is,

them Compton Crusaders
ain't packin' no real heat.

Why you say that? I bet he has
a bunch of g*ns and a*mo.

No, I'm not talking
about that kinda heat.

I'm talking about in the bed.

I took a psych class. [CHUCKLES]

And it said that dudes
that like to b*at people up

and wear costumes
are just overcompensating

for small genitalia
and erectile issues.

Look here.

My... a-and by "my", I mean...

I'm pretty certain my man
the Compton Crusader's package

is damn big and hella functional.

Right, Boonie?

n*gga, how the hell should I know?

I know I'd give the Crusader a chance.

I see a fine man in uniform,
and my panties get so humid,

it's like taking off a wet suit.

- "Wh-khh! Wh-khh!"
- [CACKLES]

NESSA: But what if his stuff
is really small, though?

Even the small stuff
can get the job done.

All they got to do is a little flick,

and from what I hear
about the Compton Crusader,

he can flick up in my stuff
any damn time.

[LAUGHS]

[GAGGING]

You done?

Suddenly, I'm not
as hungry as I thought.

Hey.

I'll give it a flick.

[GRUNTS, CHUCKLES]

So, Ms. Tudi got y'all out there
slanging that low budget, huh?

Man, I'm so glad I still
ain't out there doing that sh*t.

It sure feel good to kick it with
the homie one more 'gin, man.

sh*t feel like old times.

Look at you, man... you all settled,

responsible and things,
you know what I'm talkin' about?

Handling business, got your life
on track and sh*t.

Well... I guess
it ain't like old times.

- [DOOR OPENS]
- [LAUGHS]

But it's cool, anyway, though, pimp.

DIANNE: [SIGHING] hi.
Sorry it took so long.

Hey, Jesus! [CHUCKLES]
- What's happenin', pimp?

- Hi, baby.
- Hi, baby.

BOTH: Mwah!

So, Jesus, now, I know
you know who it is, don't you?

Who?

The Compton Crusader. Come on.

Girl, I'm Jesus Christ.
Of course I know. [CHUCKLES]

Baby, look, that ain't even really,
like, no divine knowledge.

I mean, that's right in our face.

Everybody know who that is.

You know who the Compton Crusader is?

Yeah.

Crazy-ass Ambro.

- Ambro?
- Mm-hmm.

Ambro?

[GASPS] g*n-obsessed,
over-testosteroned,

always looking for a fight?

Ambro that does security
at the apartment complex?

That Ambro?

Oh, my God.

He does dress like Batman.

- A broke-ass Batman. [CHUCKLES]
- [SIGHS]

Baby, I didn't even know
you was working that case.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I just got assigned.

Wow! Ambro?

Look, Jesus, can you handle this?

Just... make it go away.

Oh, for sho'!

I'll go down there, hollah at him.

- It ain't nothin', girl. I got this.
- Thank you!

You got some weed?

♪

Ambro!

What's happenin', pimp?!

Hey! No dr*gs to sell today?

You scarin' all the customers off

with your m*llitary tactics
and regimes and things and...

Hey, why you got to protect
the neighborhood so well, Ambro?

Uh-huh.

Hey, look, bruh,

I know we don't really
know each other that well...

well, I know you, 'cause I'm Jesus,

but I know you don't
really know me like that...

Look, bruh.

I don't need to know you
like that, a'ight?

I don't know what spell
you got over everybody else,

but bullshit bounces off my brain

like greased ass on rubber sheets.

Look, bruh,

I know the m*llitary sent you
through hell and back.

They [BLEEP] you up,
but have you ever wondered,

how did you make it back
and so many others didn't?

God got your back.

He lookin' out for you, bruh,
even if you don't know it.

And that's why I'm here...
to save you from yourself

and all this bullshit you're creating

as this Compton Crusader character.

Me... the Compton Crusader?

No, no, no.

That's flattering,
and while I do think

that that guy is great at
what he does and everything,

but, nah, it ain't me.

I know, bruh. I know.

Look, man, I know you think

you doin' the right thing and all,

but stay in your lane, man.

This ain't your purpose.

And I sayeth there ain't no lord,

so vengeance is mines.

I don't care what you sayeth.

♪

MAN: Where it at? Where it at?!
Throw this stuff up in here!

- [CLATTER]
- MAN # : Look over there, man!

♪

Where's the dr*gs?

Hurry up!

[CLATTER CONTINUES]

[BREATHING HEAVILY]

♪

[SIREN WAILING]

[POUNDING ON DOOR]

♪

You won't believe the sh*t
that just happened here.

[POLICE RADIO CHATTER]

♪

♪

- [TIRES SCREECH]
- WOMAN: Oh, lord, Jesus!

[THUD] Unh!

[CAR ALARM BLARING]

♪

[GRUNTING]

"Jesus," my ass.

[CAMERA CLICKS] what up, pimp?

Where you get your sunglasses at?

I know exactly who you are.

MS. EMMA: [CLICKS TONGUE]
Come on, that ain't real.

This is real, Ms. Emma.
I took the picture.

- I saw this happen.
- Look, I told you.

What probably happened is
that boy got ahold of some weed

that was laced with some PCP
or some sh*t.

You know that sh*t
make you feel superstrong

- and you can't feel no pain.
- I don't know, man.

We know dudes who are into hard dr*gs,

and he doesn't seem like
that kind of guy.

You don't believe in Jesus, Ms. Emma?

I only believe
in some money in my pocket

and for something hard in bed...

To chew on.

- [CRUNCHES] mmm!
- Damn, woman!

Would you please stop
talking about your sexual needs

around people food?

[CHUCKLES]

Now, anyway, I will
agree with you on this...

this dude is not the son of God.

But what if he's a son
from another planet?

You mean like an alien? Like E.T.?

No!

His fingers are too short,

and they don't light up at the tip.

I'm saying this fake-ass Jesus

might be Superman in disguise.

Superman?

[LAUGHS]

Okay, Ambro. I'm gon' go with PCP.

[MUFFLED TALKING]

♪

Oh!

Black Batman! Look out!

♪

[SCREAMS]

♪

Holy nick of time, Batman!

I've come to save your black ass!

♪

[CAPE WHOOSHES]

♪

[GRUNTS]

♪

[CHOKING]

[DEEP VOICE] Submit to the
will of your lord and master.

Nooooooooo!

[DOG BARKING, HORN BLARES IN DISTANCE]

♪ [SCATTING]

Oh, Jesus!

Ambro! Don't sneak up
on an old black man like that.

What's wrong with you?

Hey, I'm gonna need
to disappear for a while.

What's wrong, Ambro?

There are some things
happening... crazy things.

Like what, Ambro?

Jesus.

You know he's not
who he says he is, right?

- Jesus isn't Jesus?
- No, of course not!

You don't seriously believe
he's Jesus, do ya?

Yeah. Who else can he be?

I'm serious, Lloyd.

I've seen him do things...
crazy things.

Yeah, because he Jesus.

I'm serious, man!

I'm confused.

Look at this.

- Yeah, that's Jesus.
- Yeah.

Don't you see what this is?
It's proof of aliens.

[LAUGHS]

You think Jesus is an alien?

- Yes! From Krypton!
- [LAUGHS]

I've heard a lot of sh*t in my day...

There's no other explanation.

Yes, it is!

He's Jesus.

Ooh! Goodness.

I saw him lift a car, Lloyd.

A car! By himself!

What kind of stuff is that?

I'm not crazy!

- So?
- "So"?

Someone with that kind of power
is too dangerous to live.

Jesus isn't dangerous.

He's just a meddling
goody-two-shoe, divine being

who ruin lives 'cause he
wanna heal everybody.

Everybody don't wanna be healed!

Okay, but what if he decides
to turn against us?

What if he decides
to use that power for evil?

If there's even just a % chance
of that happening,

then we got to k*ll him!

- k*ll Jesus?
- Yeah!

You probably not the only person
who's had that brilliant idea.

Your job is to keep
this building secure.

I'm sorry, Lloyd.

Time to do my own thing.

Everybody know it's you, Ambro.

You got responsibilities here!

Wow. [CHUCKLES]

That's some sober sh*t
for me to say that time.

"You got some responsibilities here."

"You got responsibility here."

[CHUCKLES]

[INDISTINCT TALKING]

♪

I can't wait anymore, Jesus.

SAMUELS: Yeah. This is clearly
the sign of a disturbed mind.

Can't believe I got to
write a report on this.

Dianne, look, I just need
a little more time.

I promise I'ma get it right. I got it.

[LAUGHS] "More time"? No.

The man is going to
k*ll somebody soon,

and that's going to be
on me and you, huh?

If you can't stop him,
I'm gonna have to.

Yo lo entiende que hacer.

He's a good dude.

He just didn't get
the psychological help

he needed after the w*r.

I mean, his is the story

of so many underserved veterans
in this country.

You know that, Dianne!

I try my best to help out,
but it's like...

it's like he's scared of me.

Dude don't even believe I'm Jesus.

[SCOFFS] And who's he think
you are, huh? Superman?

[HISPANIC ACCENT] Superman.

Iperfecto!

- ¿qué?
- [MAN GROANS]

Can we get a paramedic over here
for this guy?!

[SIGHING] Jesus.

Next time, bring your sister, man.

You know I always give her
something extra.

[CHUCKLES] Yeah.

♪

[GRUFF VOICE] ♪ Boonie ♪

Ambro?

Ambro, is that you?

No. It's not.

I don't know who you're talking about.

Man, it's obviously you.

Hey, man, don't be coming
over here with that crazy.

I'm just selling my weed.
I ain't messing with nobody.

Man, don't come over here
[BLEEP] with me.

It's not the weed, Boonie.

It's him.

- You think I'm playin'.
- [SHOTGUN COCKS]

Look, you better
get your ass away from me

'fore I sh**t your crazy ass!

You know the truth.
He's got to be stopped, Boonie.

n*gga, what is you talkin' about?

n*gga, what the...

[GAGS]

Now, if I'm right,

your savior should be here
right about...

BLACK JESUS: Ambro!

Jesus! Get this crazy n*gga up off me!

Boonie, be quiet, man.

Ambro, I'm not an alien
from outer space, man.

It's your boy!

I know what... [COUGHS]

[NORMAL VOICE] I know what I saw!

They can call me crazy all they want,

but I know what I saw!

I'm not crazy!

Crazy people always say that, Ambro.

- [GRUNTS]
- Boonie, stop! Please!

Ambro, Ambro, bud.
You're not crazy, dawg.

I'm Jesus Christ, the son of God.

You're no God.

You're just a n*gro
with silky hair from Krypton!

And this...

...A little thing
I invented in my laboratory,

called the krypto-star.

Hey, this n*gga got a laboratory?

Real stars dipped in kryptonite.

Where do n*gg*s get kryptonite from?

From a website called
this is real kryptonite.

Of course.

This thing is guaranteed
to seal your fate.

Prepare to die, Superman!

♪

[SLO-MO WHOOSHING]

[SLO-MO GRUNTING]

♪

[SHOUTS]

Hey! [BLEEP] him up, Jesus!

Come on, man!
Give him that holy beatdown!

Kick him with
that hard-ass foot, Jesus!

Toss his salad, Jesus!

[STRAINING]
Get your little ass off me!

[SCREAMS]

[ANGELIC SINGING]

♪

I knew it.

I knew it!

[DEEP VOICE] Ambro, you are right.

I am...

Black Superman.

Jesus Christ is
my mild-mannered alter-ego.

I mean no harm to the people of earth.

♪

I knew it.

I knew I wasn't crazy.

So, you see, we on the same side.

We all got to have
our secret identities.

I knew it. Wow!

O-okay. Okay.
I'm just glad I'm not crazy.

No, bruh, you not crazy,
but you do need some help.

You been through a whole lot, Ambro,

but right now, I'm gonna need
the Compton Crusader

to disappear for a little while...

you know, 'til this thing blows over.

- You feel me?
- Got it.

Yo, but when the
Compton Crusader comes back,

we need to team up.

We could be like
the 'hood justice league, man.

We'll run this sh*t.

- But remember those secret identities.
- Shh!

This spot is piping-hot
right now, man,

so we got to lay low while you
go get some super-therapy.

Got it, got it...
lay low, super-therapy.

All right.

Then we send our message.

[LAUGHS] I like the way you think!

♪

[SIGHS]

[GRUFF VOICE] Sorry, Boonie.

♪

Crusader... out.

Hey, so, uh, should I call you
"Jesus" or "Superman"?

[CHUCKLING] Come on, man.

Let's get back on this corner
and peddle this weed

'fore your mama kick your ass.

[CHUCKLING]

♪

♪