03x10 - The Real Jesus of Compton

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Black Jesus". Aired August 2014 - current.
"Black Jesus" features Jesus Christ living in modern-day Compton, on a mission to spread love and kindness throughout the neighborhood with his small group of followers.
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03x10 - The Real Jesus of Compton

Post by bunniefuu »

Hmm, hmm, hmm

Hey, Boonie!
Boone... n*gga, put that down!

That's for company.

You act like I live here.
I am company.

n*gga, you ain't company.
You family, hear?

Family is something you put up with

'cause they're [BLEEP] family.

- Shalinka, Mr. Lloyd.
- Howdy-doo.

Something ain't right.
Your mama pouring me a drink.

She ain't never treated me
like company, Boone.

Oh, there's all sorts of company.

Invited company, "who are them
n*gga over there?" company,

and, "damn, woman,
you got a thick ass" company.

I know this n*gga didn't just

say something 'bout my mama...

Yeah, I sure did.

Now that I'm sober,
when I see a thick ass,

I tend to take notice. Heh, heh.

n*gga, you better not.


Ms. Tudi, could you please tell us

what was so important
for us to be here?

You are about to find out. Ha!

- What is she up to?
- I don't know.

Hey! Come on in.

So, everyone, this is
Phil Closterfawk.


You work for child support, don't you?

Now, Phil makes amazing TV shows.

And, get this,
he wants us to star in one.

We get to fight some zombies?

Or swing swords
with hot babes in tunics?

n*gga, what's your dumb ass
know about a damn tunic?

Hey, I know they look good

with them skinny
white bitches with sandals

on when they be flying
on them dragons.

You know, as awesome as that sounds...

and that does sound awesome...

What I do is much more, uh,
grounded. It's down-to-earth.

I don't know if you guys have seen

"Real Police Wives of Simi Valley,"

uh, "Hip Hop Hussies,"

"Lesbian Lockdown".

That's... hey. Hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!

So he want us to make a
ratchet-ass reality TV show?

- Hey, it sounds good.
- Doesn't it, Boonie?

I mean, come on, Shalinka.
Who can be more ratchet than us?

When it come to ratchet,
we got that shit on lock.

Ms. Tudi, I don't even
know what your ghetto,

criminally-minded ass
is even talking about right now.

I agree with her.
I'm not going to exploit myself

for the entertainment of the people

unless I get a chance
to k*ll me some zombies!

Those shows make folks look stupid.


They also make people very rich.

By season three, you could each
be making $ , per episode.

- What?!
- $ , . Tell 'em.

Mother[BLEEP] a zombie!

- Ohh!

There's just one little hitch.

You need to convince Jesus
to be on the show.

Damn. Aw. What the [BLEEP] Osterfawk?

BOONIE: And we all get
to live in a fly crib

where you basically mentor us
on how to be better people.

That sound like the business
I do already, Boonie.

But our crib ain't fly.

All I'm saying, man,
is all these shows do

is just make people look stupid.

Jesus, I know this looks shady,

but if we do this show,

it could put Boonlinka
and Boon-Boon through college.

Oh! Mm-hmm. I don't want them
to end up like their daddy.


Hey, Nessa.

Hey, what you think about
this whole reality-show thing?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Why are you asking her?

Because she's the only one
that never asks for shit.

But she got a big nipple.

But she ain't got
nothing else to gain.

That's why I know
she gonna tell the truth.

Nessa, what you think
about that, mama?

I know it can be
some trifling nonsense,

but this may be good to get your
pops' word out in a big way.

I mean, you can't just be
getting the word out

with sermons on the damn mount
no more, Jesus.

You need the media
if you want to be heard.

Word. Word. That's right.
That's right. Thank you.

I guess it would get
pops' word out way faster.

- That's right, man.
- Yeah.

You know what? I'ma do it.

- God damn!
- That's what we trying to say.

- Yes!
- Hallelujah.

But only if it don't become
the same ratchet bullshit.

I'm not doing ratchet.

At the first sign of
ratchet-ivity, I'm out the door.

I'm pretty sure this some
ratchet bullshit, Ms. Tudi.

Jesus, listen, don't mess up
my first day of co-producing.

I mean, you look like...
The beautiful one.

No, I look like
prince's sofa, Ms. Tudi.

You look great.
So let's go crazy! Right?

Come on, Jesus. Give it a chance.

Check out your new digs.

This is not "purple rain."
this is purple pain.

But if the show is called
"The Real Jesus of Compton,"

shouldn't it be sh*t in Compton?

Compton is a shit hole.

Yes, Compton is a shit hole
that a whole lot of honest,

pops-fearin' folks call home.

- Ugh.
- Well, technically we are in Compton.

We're calling this Compton manor.


I don't say this often, but holy shit.

Told you. I told you.

I'd like to welcome you to
"The Real Jesus of Compton."

for the next six weeks,
we'll live together

while I, Jesus Christ
the great and powerful,

will manifest a positive
change for your lives.

Eh, Phil, what's up
with this rock, man?

This rock is hurting my ass.

You got me sitting up
here cross-legged.

That's Buddha shit.
I ain't no biter, dawg.

I got my own style.

We can fix that in post. Keep going.

Let's "get busy" with the spirit.

Uh, I just have one question, Jesus.

Who in the hell are these white folks?

Boonie, Lloyd, Shalinka, Ms. Tudi,

meet your new housemates...

Bruno, Louie, and Bambi.

Bambi? Jesus, I didn't
come up here to shack up

with some stripper
from the peppermint panther.

That is so wrong. I'm not a stripper.

Whatever. You got a stripper name.

I knew if that white woman
said anything else,

there's gonna be a bitch fight.

In five, four, three, two...

Better a stripper name
than a hoe name.

Shalinka? That's beyond hoe.
That's all corner hoe.


Your great-grandmama a hoe, bitch.

Ho! Bitch fight!

Like I said, that lotus pose,
that's Buddha's move.


- Oh, Jesus.
- Get her, Shalinka.

Bitch fight! Black and white!

Put your boy legs to sleep.


BLACK JESUS: Hey, look, dawg,
I don't think

all these extra people
are such a good idea.

And this robe is worse than
the last one.

Come on, man.

This thing's so tight,
I got to take baby steps.

Okay, well, we'll get it changed

after the next scene, I promise.

Please do. Thank you, man.
Thank you. God bless.

And one way to heal
our problems is to share.

Like, I once had a problem
with the Romans...

Problem? Shit.

They mother[BLEEP]
nailed me to a cross.

A cross, dawg!

And me with my forgivin',
mother[BLEEP] ass, I asked pops,

"forgive them, for they knew
not what they did."

They punk asses knew.

...And pops had a problem
with an angel named Lucifer.

The dark lord! Better recognize.

I recognize, Louie.

But the question is, does
the dark lord recognize you?

Honestly, my relationship with Satan

isn't so great right now.

I can, uh, feel him
slipping from my life.

Good honesty. Thank you.

Good? This fool talking
about Satan, Jesus.

But he's sharing. Ms. Tudi?

My problem is mother[BLEEP]

That won't give me my proper respect.

It can hurt when mother[BLEEP]
don't respect us.


But the best way to get
mother[BLEEP] to respect us

is to give mother[BLEEP] respect.

- Hmm?
- But we'll talk about that later.


My problem is called "your black ass."

- Mm.
- I was a drunk,

but I was a happy drunk.

Then you healed me,
and now I'm pissed.

I am pissed!

Great to hear.
Boonie, do you care to share?

My problem is this
rock-punishing bitch right here.

- Hmm.
- And my problem, Jesus,

is this n*gga there,

and this half-naked
white heifer over here.

- Excuse me?
- You heard me.

Get froggy.

I didn't say nothing when
you was eyeballing

that Rico suave-looking dude
over there.

I didn't even notice him.

- Bruno here is a sex addict.
- Bruno [BLEEP] anything.

Well, all right.

Bambi is also dealing
with sexual issues.

I just can't stop screwing black guys.

Hey, well, before you fix
your problem, we should talk.



You didn't see me throwing my panties

at the Egyptian lover over here.

Why not?

He says he [BLEEP] anything.

Family, we're getting away from
this productive conversation.

I'll show y'all productive.

Lloyd, what are you...


MS. TUDI: Don't anybody want
to see all that!

- Oh! Lloyd, what you doing?
- Get away!

- Come back here, woman!
- Get away! Away with you!


Bruno no [BLEEP] that.

You know, I discovered,
showing my ass and ding-a-ling,

which is a dick, to others

is the only thing that gives me
the same high

as a fifth of Darby.

I can never unsee that shit. Never.


It was really big, and super black,

and there were these,
like, little gray hairs.

But, I don't know. Maybe that's hot?

MS. TUDI: Listen. Jesus, Jesus,
just listen.

Listen. Just listen. Chill.

You don't look bad.

Not bad. Stupid, Ms. Tudi.

No, no, no. Not stupid. Unexpected.

Yeah, and unexpected
is what they tune in for.

That's what makes people watch,
you know what I'm saying?

Oh! What up, Ms. Tudi.

'Bout to get my nama-nastay on.

Who let this yoga bitch in here?

- Mm.
- And a nice big inhale.

And on the exhale, through
your core, pull up and back.

I can't breathe with this
bitch's funky ass in my face!

There's about to be
a bitch fight up in here.

You hear me, God?

[BOTH GRUNT] what now?


Bitch fight.


Bitch! I got to go?

Ms. Tudi was fighting, too!

Yeah, but only one of y'all
pulled out the shank.

Look, pops never meant for y'all

to have this type
of junk in your trunk.

Wasn't in my trunk. It was in my hood.

'Cause my engine is hella good.
And tight.

'Cause don't nobody want to ride
that thing and loosen it up.

- Oh, people be riding.
- Ladies, ladies! Please, please!

Look... Look, Teresa, I'm sorry.

This is the end of your enlightenment.

Teresa, thanks for playing,

but don't forget your parting gift.

Oh, no!

Sharing my godly blessings
with God's other children

is a high alcohol can't touch.


I smell emmy!

Previously on
"The Real Jesus of Compton"...

Damn. It's supposed to be lights out!

- Come on, dice.
- Show me that third leg, baby.

- Come on, man.
- Yeah!

- Hey, work, Bruno.
- Yeah. Mm.


If it was up to me, all they
asses to fiery pits, right now.

Yeah, baby. Come to mama, Bruno.

- Oh, my...
- Girl, yes.

[LAUGHS] whoa.
Okay, so that's good, right?

That's great.

I mean, Jesus wishing people to hell,

that kind of twist
is money in the bank.

And speaking of twists...

Phil, I don't want to see
that yoga bitch

pop back up here again.


Don't nobody need to be
this g*dd*mn healthy.

Ooh, celery sticks!

How anyone's ass get that thick
off some damn celery sticks?

I mean, I know what
the [BLEEP] soy is.

Pops made it, but he also
made pigs, chicken, fish.

And, little known fact,
barbecue sauce.

Jesus, what is this?

They got me locked in this damn thing.

We can't have you
constantly running around

showing your ass off to folks.

It wasn't my ass I was showing!

It's not a good look, man.
Nobody want to see that shit.

- Morning, Jesus.
- Good morning, Bambi.

Hey, tiger. When's show time?

Mm-hmm. How do you know
what people want to see?

You can't go by her.

She's a sick and confused white girl

with a sick-and-confused
white-girl appetite.

Oh, because she like black dick,
she's sick and confused.

I like pink toes.
People need to share.

"You're crazy, and cuckoo-cuckoo."

look, we'll talk about that
on a one-on-one session, okay?

Now, Boonie, to begin
our one-on-one session,

I'd just like for you to draw the face

of the person you have issues with

and tell them how you feel.

What is that?

That's a witch's hat.

Well, go ahead
and tell her how you feel.

Mama, why you always got
to be so mean to a n*gga?!

I had to sleep in that dark room,

and you wouldn't
put on the light, mama.


[SIGHS] oh.

Did that help,
or are you still mad at me?

No Christmas toys, mama?!

You're the reason
I'm with Shalinka, mama!

Alcohol used to keep my bowels moving.

Since your meddle-some ass
has made me sober,

I've been blocked up for weeks.

You ran daddy away
'cause he was late coming home.

You [BLEEP] my high-school coach,

and I still ain't get in the game.



I might have to go soon.

I might have to go.

You know what this
bitch be doing, Jesus?

I'm gonna need you
to stop all that crying

and man the [BLEEP] up.

I need a black marker
so I can draw her heart.

Phil, this ain't working
out as planned, dawg.

Look, I believe in tough love,
but in private.

I shouldn't have to tell
no grown folks to man up on TV.

That's some Denzel
Washington type shit.

You have to realize, people need you.

I mean, bad shit is happening.



This happened here?


Man, I hate having
to straighten fools out,

but I'm gonna have to
straighten them fools out.

Great. Any chance for a miracle?


Man, y'all been straight
wildin' out up in this piece.

The sinning got to stop.

And, Boonie, I'm especially
disappointed in your ass.

Check out this digital debauchery.

Get your big ass in here.

Oh, hey, well, uh,

sleep [BLEEP] is one of the issues

that I'm here to deal with.

Boonie, you so damn triflin'.

Shalinka, let she who is without
trife cast the first stone.

Time to ride the whiteness.

Bruno [BLEEP] Shalaylay.

Well, I'ma tell you, both you
heifers are nasty to me.

- Bitch fight.
- Okay, cut!

- Cut this.
- Bitch fight.

Ladies! Ladies!

There is a better way to settle this.


Bitch fight.


Come on, girl. Don't let her
get you like that.

Bite her! Bite her!

I never thought Ms. Tudi and Shalinka

would agree
to some bullshit like this.

They didn't until I offered
them a bump in the money.

Fight! Whoo-whee!

- Jesus!
- Let go, fool!

PHIL: What do you mean
you're quitting?

I'm done, man.

Pops did not put me here to be
some generic-ass prince

in a Dave Chappelle sketch gone bad.

Okay, well, you're gonna
lose your friends

a lot of money, buddy.

Man [BLEEP] your money, Osterfawk.

- Jesus, just listen...
- Oh, come on...

Jesus... You lettin' your robe.

- Jes... can I just...
- Jesus! Please!

- Gosh.
- So, hey, check it out.

I think I know a way
to chill dude out.

Hey, man. Good luck
and God bless with all this.

I'm out.


I know that smell.

That's that world-famous
Ms. Emma's fish.

What's happening, Nessa?
I see you, girl.

Got you one.

'Bout time somebody slid through

with some fine cuisine to this joint.

And look here, Jesus.

I just want to say that we need you.

This whole thing falls
apart if we lose you.

I don't know, Ms. Tudi.

It's getting too ratchet
up in here, man.

It's on me, okay?
Let me try to fix it.

You got to fix it by no
crazy makeup, no emasculation.

- I'm au naturel, man.
- Done.

And no sexually-exploitative
mud fights.

The ladies got to be respected.

Whatever you want,
that's what happens, okay?

Just, um, give me one second.

I'm gonna tip and pay her,
and then I'll be back.

Get all your money.

Damn! A $ ?

Yeah, maybe more if you say yes.

Are you crazy?

I ain't [BLEEP] your pasty white ass.

- Hey, Jesus.
- Wait, no, no.

Boy, I'm...

See, I'll fillet your ass
like them damn catfish.

Nessa, what I want to do

is pay you to be on the show.

All you have to do is ask
Jesus for a miracle.

What miracle?

PHIL: I can see that you love Jesus,

and that you want
this show to be a success

so that he can spread his good word.

But unfortunately I need a big miracle

to put the show over the top.

Let's all welcome Nessa to our family.

- Whoo!
- Nessa!

Hey. My cousin.

And though I've only known
her for a short time,

I must say that I don't know

that there's anything wrong with her.

Nessa, do you have any problems
you would like to deal with?


I mean, I guess...

I'd... Like these to be even.

You sure about that?

I'm sure.

Okay. Let's see what pops has to say.

Wait. Wait, stop. Stop.

I... I don't know if I found God,

or maybe I just really
like lopsided titties,

'cause those are dope as hell,

but I heard that little
sleazy producer right there

say that if she didn't do this,

your show would never get on the air.

No. No! That's all wrong.

Sure, I wanted a miracle,
but so did she.

Let's see what pops has to say,
'cause he's the all-knowing.



Good news, Phil. Pops says
that miracle is a go.

Get your money, pimp.

Roll on this. Get this sh*t.




What the [BLEEP] is this?!

What is this?

- Oh, yeah!
- Big pasty-ass titties.

Damn! Nice and balanced, too.

What the hell, Jesus?

Pops said you'd get a miracle.
He didn't say what kind.

I-I can't go around like this!

I might be able to
straighten that out.

Just let me holler at pops.

But I'ma need to run this show my way.

And pops wants you to know
that no matter how [BLEEP] up,

how triflin',
or how ratchet you may be,

his love is everlasting.

Well, there it is, there.
How y'all love that, huh?

Jesus, I think that's
the most boring-ass shit

- I've ever seen.
- Really, Lloyd?

You know, all that hate
don't look good on you.

But I know my man Boonie
know what's happening.

Boonie, what you think
about that, player? Huh?

Oh, he's ecstatic. Can't you tell?

You know what, we was 'bout
to make some paper.

- Huh, 'linka?
- Absolutely.

We was about to stack some cash.

Long money. Right? But, no.

Once again, our lord and savior,

Mr. Goody-two-shoes [BLEEP] it up.

- [BLEEP] it up.
- I don't know, Ms. Tudi.

Actually, I might have saved one.

You could have saved all!


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