03x01 - Cookie Jar

[bunniefuu]

So remember, if your attacker
comes at you, you gonna panic?

- No.
- Yes.

No, 'cause you've got
your eyeball scoops,

you got your kitten
scratches... [grunting]

And then you're gonna be
clear to pummel the groin.

And... you're dead.

[applause]

Wow.

So inspiring, right?

I'll tell you what I'm inspired by...

- Those tris and those bis.
- Mm-hmm.

And that's why I call
it self-defense...

all: For moms!

'Cause, as moms, we
have a natural instinct

- to want to protect our young.
- That's right.

Maggie, you've got a
young daughter at home.

[m*llitary voice] I do,
Cookie... She's one.

Her name is Charlotte,
and she's a fierce warrior.

What's up with that voice you're using?

Is this your married partner?

[m*llitary voice] Nope, I'm
Emma, I'm the best friend.

I moved home to help
her raise the baby...

When I kicked my cheating
husband to the curb.

- That's right.
- We're sisters for life, Cookie.

- I need a moment.
- I'm sorry.

What's happening?

This right here is the
definition of friendship.

- That's right.
- Two women, side by side...

That is the most powerful
thing that there is.

Now get on up here
and att*ck each other.

- All right.
- What's that now?

What... Oh, God.

Well, Cookie, hold on one second.

This is my first class,
so I don't think...

Don't worry about it.
You're gonna be the attacker.

- Okay.
- And Maggie, you just do

all the moves that we've
been working on, okay?

Yes, Cookie.

All right, you're at the
ATM. It's late at night.

Emma, att*ck.

Beep, boop, beep, boop.

Ooga-booga, give me your
money and also your body!

[groaning]

- You're dead.
- Ow.

- Nice, Maggie.
- That actually really hurt.

Remember too, your forearm
is a five-way w*apon, okay?

- Five ways?
- So you've got one,

- two, three, four, and five.
- Ah, ah!

- That hurts.
- You're okay.

- So let's sit down, and we'll...
- Nope, stay on up here.

Really? Do one more scenario.

Maggie, you're at your car.
You're fumbling for your keys.

- Okay.
- Emma, att*ck.

Uh, okay, um, Mags,
let's just take it easy...

- [grunts]
- Ah!

- [grunting and yelling]
- You're dead!

She's still alive! Keep
it moving, keep it moving.

- No, no!
- I'm dead, I'm dead, I'm dead!

Why are you still talking?

Yeah, that's right.
Dead men tell no tales.

- [yells]
- Oh, God!

You're dead. And that's self defense...

[softly] For moms.

[Say Hi's "Back before
We Were Brittle" playing]

♪ Hey, remember when ♪

♪ All of time stood still ♪

♪ Ooh, do do do do ♪

♪ Back before we were brittle ♪

♪ Back before we were brittle ♪

I think you snapped my solar plexus.

What? Well, what was I supposed to do?

You were attacking me at an ATM.

I just think you could've
been a little nicer about it.

- And, oh, you're dead!
- Oh, oh!

Sorry, I can't resist.

Maggie, you were
incredible in class today.

You're like a human machete out there.

Well, you sharpened the blade, Cookie.

Look, Thursdays around : p.m.

I hold a special class that's
called "The Cookie Jar."

- Mm-hmm.
- It's for my elite students.

I'd like to invite you to join.

Oh, my God, can we make that work?

Yes, of course we can make that work.

Okay, good.

I give every member of
The Cookie Jar a nickname.

- Okay.
- Isn't that cute?

And there's Nutter Butter,
Double Stuf, Shortbread,

and now Gingersnap.

- Oh, I love it.
- Oh, is that 'cause

- she's a red head?
- It's because she's sweet

- until she snaps!
- Pow!

- And Emma?
- Yes?

- This is for you.
- The golden whistle.

Is this for being most improved?

I've been teaching
this class for years.

I have never had a student with less

- natural ability than yourself.
- Is that right?

You are a danger to yourself,
so I need you to forget

everything that you
learned here today, okay?

- That won't be a problem.
- It's already forgotten, Cooks.

Perfect.

Do you really think I
have no physical strength?

Hey, she didn't say
strength, she said skills.

And yes.

- Wait, is that Mark?
- Mark, what are you doing?

- That's our car.
- I'm just doing my job, Miss.

Oh, my God, this is ridiculous.

What's this a ticket for?

- "Being too sexy"?
- Boom.

Oh, God, is this what it's gonna be like

with you guys together?

'Cause I'm not interested.

What is this a ticket for?

Being the best friend?

- "Tags are expired"?
- You got days.

- I'll see you tonight.
- I'll see you tonight, babe.

- I'm not paying this.
- Yeah, you are.

You have a woman's handwriting.

♪ ♪

Can I ask you a quick nursing question?

- Yeah, sh**t.
- Do penises age?

Ugh, if I had a nickel.

The short answer is
yes. The long answer,

much more complicated, you
know, based on penis size

or shape or whether there's
been a traumatic event

- or even just natural slope.
- A slope?

Yeah, sometimes a penis can
take a slope to the right

or to the left. If
you're lucky, it goes up.

- Oh, okay.
- Why are we talking about this?

I think tonight Mark and I

are gonna do it for the first time.

- What?
- Yes, I mean,

since we got back together.

What about all that hot and
heavy stuff on the porch?

I thought you guys would've
been all over each other.

- It's been a couple weeks.
- No, no, no, no.

He said, and I quote, "I wanna do this,

but I wanna take it slow."

- So, since then, there's just...
- Right.

Been a lot of dry humping
and starting meaningfully

into each other's eyes.

Sign me up for a good dry hump, right?

Although there is a
lot of chafing involved.

But it's been years since
I've seen, you know, it,

and I just don't know
if it's gonna be, like,

"Oh, hello, old friend," or
"Oh, God, what happened to you?"

Well, I would be more worried
about him seeing my body,

you know, years later.
'Cause this is , right?

Things are very different.

God, I hadn't even thought about that.

- Oh.
- Okay, if you saw... if you saw

this coming towards you, what
would you think about that?

Would you be disturbed,
or would you welcome it?

Is that a special move I'm not aware of?

Tell me, does it feel... does
it feel tight, is there reverb?

Whoa, wow, we, uh, we can come back.

Oh, no, no, no, I was just
trying to see if my butt

had changed since college.

- Well, this is .
- Oh, God.

- Hi, baby girl, are you hungry?
- Yeah.

- All right.
- Okay.

- Dive in.
- Ahh-ooh.

We got some carrots.

Uh, hey, Mags, might I have a word?

Uh, yes, you might.

Well, it's been approximately
six weeks since we

took Joanie and Cha-Chi to the carwash.

- Are you talking about sex?
- Geez, Maggie, the baby...

What? That's how she got here, right?

Anyway, since that wonderful
night, I've been feeling...

Oh, no, no, hey, Bruce, we
talked about this, right?

- It was just the one night.
- Oh, no, no, it's not that.

- It's, uh, I met somebody.
- Oh, okay, good.

- I mean, that's great, yes.
- Her name is Nancy,

and it's been fast and
furious, like the first movie,

not the other seven,
which I feel don't hold up.

- Okay, Bruce, focus.
- Anyhow, um, I really

want Charlotte to meet
her, but I was that maybe

before she meets her
that you might meet her.

- I'd love to meet her.
- Yeah?

- Yeah, of course.
- We'll have you guys over.

Maybe I'll make some of my famous apps

and we can throw some games in there.

- That'll be fun, right?
- Hey, can you make those

baby hot dogs that look like
they're taking a nap in pastry?

- Oh, pigs in a blanket.
- Yeah, I guess you

could make those,
too, if you want, pfft.

All right.

♪ ♪

You did not have to make me dinner.

I haven't ever made anything
other than a DiGiorno's pizza.

Well, I'm sure it's delicious.

Okay, here we go, right? [chuckles]

All right.

Bon appétit.

All right.

Now, is this a chicken or a fish?

It is a chicken.

Mm, can't wait.

Okay. [crunches]

- Ooh, there's a crackle.
- Mm-hmm.

What is this? There are... What is...?

Rice Krispies.

It's a Rice Krispie crusted chicken.

Mm, did you come up with that yourself?

I did. I didn't have any hazelnuts.

And is this a dessert or a side?

- It's a warm banana.
- Oh, okay.

Halved...

microwaved for two minutes.

- Hmm.
- Give that a sh*t.

- Oh, 'cause it's...
- Oh, God, the middle is hot!

- Take some water!
- [coughing]

- Mm.
- This is not a good meal.

No, no, no, no, I'll just
munch on this dry pasta.

- No, no, it's okay.
- Babe...

You know what? I have a better idea.

- What?
- I'm gonna go over there

- and cue up some music.
- Okay.

["Between the Sheets" by
The Isley Brothers plays]

Oh, what?

- Okay.
- Uh-oh, what's this old jam?

- Taking you back to the day?
- [laughing]

Oh, you slid into it.

Ooh, you miss these old moves?

- Oh, yes.
- Come here, girl.

Come on, yeah.

Yeah, that's my lady.

[laughter]

I haven't heard this song
since the first time we...

- That's right.
- That's right.

♪ ♪

Oh, man, we did some bad things.

[laughter]

Do you remember that?

Every detail.

Every detail.

♪ ♪

Mm, no, no, no, I gotta keep
you working for that, mister.

- What?
- Pay toll, find the troll.

- What?
- You know, gotta

- find that troll.
- What's... What's the troll?

No, I'm sorry, I think I just
need it to be more spontaneous.

- That's all.
- Okay, babe. Sure, sure.

You know what? Let's
get a little dessert.

Oh, I thought the microwaved
banana was the dessert.

Settle down, 'cause I got these.

[gasps] Red Vines!

I thought you said Red Vines be nasty.

Well, some things you
come around on, you know?

♪ ♪

- [pounding on door]
- Hey, Mark. "Happy Feet"!

- What was that?
- That's... That's just Dave.

He's... He's getting divorced.

- Hey, Dave.
- [pounding on door]

I'm in the middle of something, buddy.

♪ ♪

"Happy Feet"!

- So no sex?
- No, we just ended up watching

the DVD extras of "Happy Feet "

with a divorcee named Dave.

Oh, that's tough stuff.

- Hey, no, ma'am.
- What?

I only have three backup trays of those

pigs in a blanket, okay?

Okay, you need to relax 'cause
this is way too many apps.

- Mm-mm.
- All we're doing is meeting.

Bruce's girlfriend.
What's her name again?

- Nancy.
- Yeah, she's probably, like,

a out of work temp with a
terrible bob and rosacea.

I'm sure she's very sweet, okay?

And I would just like her
to feel welcome in my home.

A lesser woman might be
freaked out about meeting

their ex-husband's new girlfriend.

- Not this old gal.
- Nope?

I'm very happy for them,

and I think it's gonna
be good for all of us.

Well, I feel good about
having some of this

- seven-layer dip now.
- Hey, no, you don't.

- Oh, ah!
- And you're dead.

God, I'm not gonna
get physically att*cked

at my own apps table, you psycho.

Well, you just did.

[doorbell ring]

You gotta be ready, okay?

'Cause % of att*cks
happen in your own home.

♪ ♪

- Cookie?
- Gingersnap!

- Nancy?
- Bruce!

♪ ♪

This is just blowing my mind.

I mean, Cookie is
Nancy, Nancy is Cookie?

Yeah, what are the chances, right?

I mean, there aren't
any, but here we are.

I didn't even know you
guys knew each other.

Both: Yeah.

- Maggie's in the Cookie Jar.
- That's right.

A little different than the Cookie Jar

you've been digging in every night.

- Okay.
- [laughter]

How did you guys possibly meet?

I was in a Party City on a Friday night,

- as one does...
- Mm-hmm.

- Buying myself a piñata.
- A personal piñata?

End of a hard week, you
just string up a piñata,

whack the crap out of it,
and it rains candy on you.

- It's the best.
- But I don't understand.

Cookie, you were also buying a piñata?

Yeah, I mean, what are the odds, right?

When two people who both
love piñatas find each other?

Very unexpected.

'Cause, you know,
normally I date, you know,

really tough guys, right?

- It's what I would assume.
- Yeah, bounty hunters,

MMA fighters, and large animal vets,

but, man, none of those guys
made me laugh like this man.

- You're a party in a bottle.
- There's no denying that.

And the physical part
is just... it's, um...

seamless.

When you say "seamless,"
what do you mean by...

- Well, we need more apps.
- You don't know where his body

- ends and yours begins?
- You guys need more apps?

- Is that what it is?
- I do, yeah.

- Who wants more apps?
- I'm good, thanks.

I'll get you some then.

Oh, my God, can you believe it?

We thought Nancy was gonna
be some terrible woman

who was like, "my Crock-Pot,"
and instead, it's Cookie!

- [laughs]
- You must be so psyched.

- I am so psyched, really.
- Oh, God, imagine what.

Charlotte's fifth birthday
would be like, right?

- What are you talking about?
- When Cookie rolls up,

like, piñatas aplenty,
everyone will be like,

"Hey, Cookie's here!"

You wanna slow your roll?
'Cause that's not gonna happen.

They're not gonna last.

She's like the perfect
physical specimen,

and he's just, you know, Bruce.

It makes now sense at
all, and, at the same time,

it kind of makes all
the sense in the world.

I mean, look at them.

Like two hippos wrestling in the wild.

Oh, that's a classic viper
hold into a Chinese handcuff.

[phone buzzing]

Man.

We learned that two weeks ago.

God, she's good.

Oh, we didn't learn that one.

We should not be watching this.

And I am all alone. [sighs]

Officer Rodriguez, at your service.

Mark, what are you doing here?

I'm being spontaneous.

I slipped in through the
window, "Dawson's Creek" style.

- No, you didn't.
- Oh, yes, I did.

You better come over here,
girl, 'cause I don't wanna wait.

There is a former MMA fighter
named Cookie downstairs.

Well, then we're gonna
have to be quiet, huh?

[both moaning]

Hmm. You know what? You know what?

What if we were to do it
in the dark, dark recesses

- of the closet over there?
- Oh, yeah, that sounds great.

- Okay.
- All right.

[clattering]

Oh, God, there's some
stuff in there, sorry.

Oh, wow, there's a lot of stuff in here.

That's gonna make for a tight fit.

Yeah, you know, that'll only be sexier.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah, okay.
- Ouch, ouch.

- I can't... ow.
- Ow.

- Emma?
- Oh, God.

- What's going on?
- Emma?

It's Maggie, shh, shh.

[knocking]

- What is going on?
- Hey!

I'm dying down there.

I thought Cookie would wanna
see my old hockey stick,

you know?

Remember how good I was at that?

- [toy squeaks]
- Stop it, stop it, shut up.

Shut up, there's someone
in here. We're not alone.

I don't hear anybody.

You shut your mouth for
once in your damn life

if you wanna survive this night.

- I think we're okay, I mean.
- Okay...

Maggie, you're being ridiculous.

Okay, there is a man's footprint,

a formal wear shoe, look at that.

- All right, Mags, it's just...
- [screams]

- You're dead.
- Oh!

Oh, my God, Mark!

[strained] Oh, oh, my larynx.

♪ ♪

- My larynx.
- Okay.

- My larynx.
- Okay, I'm sorry.

I thought you were an intruder.

Gingersnap, don't you ever
apologize for your strength.

Got it.

Why were you in Emma's
room wearing a tuxedo?

Hey, man, I was just trying to
sneak in and surprise my lady.

That's very romantic.

Excuse me, I have to take a moment...

[whispers] What's happening?

'Cause that was beautiful.

Hey, I have an idea.
Wanna play some games?

One moment, Gingersnap.

I have to say something.

Oh, Bruce, I have spent most of
my life closed off to intimacy,

protecting myself, but,
since we've met, I've learned

to open up and lay down
my emotional weapons.

I love you, babe.

I love you too.

You know what I love? Games.

Both: What?

Oh, yeah.

- Games!
- What are you talking about?

♪ Open yourself up
and love some games ♪

- What are you doing, Mags?
- What is that?

- ♪ Some games ♪
- [laughing]

We could play Skalagoes, huh?

Honey, I don't know what you're saying.

Hey, scribble Scrabble,
where's the piece at?

- Something is not right there.
- Let's play some games!

Okay, so, "I'm just a
girl, standing here..."

"Notting Hill." "Notting Hill"!

That's it, yes!

You should've just said Julia Roberts.

Emma, don't tell me
how to play the game.

Okay, fine, fine, fine, go, go, go, go.

- Turn it up, turn it up.
- What is... Oh, okay.

This is a place where they're
growing dinosaurs, and children

and their families come and visit.

Why would you bring a
dinosaur back to life?

- What's the movie?
- You know what's gonna happen.

Electricity's gonna go
out, and then all hell's

- gonna break loose.
- Yeah, that's exactly what

- happens, but say the movie.
- Some of those dinosaurs

are really smart, like,
I believe a raptor could

- use its claws to open a door.
- What is...?

And then you'd be like,
"Ah!" [buzzer beeps]

- Oh, what was it, babe?
- It's "Jurassic Park"!

- Nuts, I didn't see that one.
- What?

We should put that one
on our cue though, right?

- Sounds scary.
- Bruce, Cookie, you're up.

- Yes.
- Who's next?

Here you guys go. Here
you go, here you go.

- Ready to rock this thing?
- You know I am.

- Duck.
- "Nine and a Half Weeks."

- Yes.
- Fire truck.

- "A Golden Pond."
- Yes.

How are they getting these?

- Icicle.
- "Indiana Jones:

Kingdom of the Crystal Skull."

Chicken. Chicken.

"Turner and Hooch."

[buzzer beeps]

- That was amazing.
- I've seen better.

All right, you guys get up there.

- Maggie, why don't you go?
- No, I'm good...

- I don't have a partner, so.
- We'll all be your partner.

- Come on, we're all doing it.
- I'm keeping score in my head.

You said you were open to
loving some games, right?

- Come on.
- Play the game, Mags.

Get up there, let's game it up.

- [overlapping chatter]
- All right, games.

- Yay.
- There she is.

Team of one. Team of one. Let's do it.

- All right.
- Here we go.

You're gonna crush it, Mags.

Okay, okay, shh, shh, shh.

Okay, everybody's forgotten about you!

You're all alone, you're all alone!

Your only friend's an old man!

Nobody cares about you!

- All by yourself.
- You're lonely!

- It's just you!
- You're lonely!

- Nobody wants you!
- You're lonely.

And everyone forgot about you.

Stop it!

Just stop it, for God's
sake. What's wrong with you?

- What, what?
- I get it.

Everybody's found their special someone

- except for this old coot.
- No, Mags...

You guys can't get your
hands off each other,

and that's nasty.

And you guys can't get
your hands on each other.

Well, just get it over with and do it.

At least you're not all by
yourself in your home alone.

Well, that's it, Mags.
You got the movie.

- I got... got what?
- You just guessed the movie.

"Home Alone," that was the movie.

- What?
- Yeah, you won.

Why didn't you guys just go "ahh"?

It's the poster.

♪ ♪

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
those apps still have

some life in them.

- They're cream cheese.
- It doesn't keep.

Mags, what is going on?

Do you still have feelings for Bruce?

No, of course not.

Well, then are you in love with Cookie?

'Cause I would understand that.

I don't know, I'm just...
I'm standing there looking

at you guys, and it just
feels like everyone...

Everyone has someone
except for me, you know?

Okay, well, I thought you
weren't ready for that.

Well, I wasn't, but I... I don't know.

- Maybe I am.
- Well, if we had to

verbally abuse some game night guests

for you to figure that out,
then that is totally okay.

And, just so you know, if
you wanna get out there,

all I have to do is put out an APB.

- Let me handle this one.
- I'll probably get involved.

Why don't you get
involved with Mark's peen.

No, 'cause guess what? This is , okay?

Do you really think, when
you take your clothes off,

that he's gonna run the other way?

No, he's gonna jump on
you like an old hound dog.

What if I just wear Spanx during sex?

What do you think?

Mark, I wanna rock
your body all night long

in so many different ways.

Not right now, we're
watching "Happy Feet."

- Dave, hit the road.
- Dave, you gotta go.

- Really?
- You gotta go.

Ugh, I wish I had
somebody to rock my body.

You will again, man. You will again.

See you later.

- Mark, I am so sorry.
- No, I'm sorry, right?

The warm banana? What is that?

- No, I loved that.
- And then I snuck into

your house, "Dawson's Creek" style.

- No, that was...
- I love "Dawson's Creek."

Listen to me. I'm so happy.

And I think I just got worried
that this part wouldn't work.

What are you talking about?

You haven't seen this in a while.

Emma, I can't wait to see this.

I know, but things are
different, you know?

They're a little wider and longer.

You think this isn't different?

- Come on, man.
- Look at this, look at this.

That wasn't there before.
That's something to grab onto.

Get your hands in there.
Get a hold of that, see?

- All right, all right.
- How about this...

This mole here? That's
new, that's interesting.

You should get that checked out.

And, I'm sorry, check out
these chicken legs, right?

I'm just going straight
chicken leg situations.

It's a two-piece meal.

So yeah, it's different.

But have you ever thought
that it might be...

much, much better?

♪ ♪

Get over here and get on top of my body.

♪ ♪

Mags, mark and I did it!

We did the sex!

And it was even better
than before 'cause

I got moves now, y'all.

Adult moves.

[gasps] What is this?

"Dear Emma, you must be
hungry from all the sex.

"Please enjoy this plate
of artisanal cheese.

Love, your best friend, Maggie."

Oh, she knows me so well.

- You're dead!
- [screams]

- [chomps]
- Ah!

♪ ♪