03x08 - Reverse the Curse

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Playing House". Aired: April 2014 to July 2017.
"Playing House" is inspired by a real-life friendship in which one of the couple becomes a single mother and in order to help her friend in her time of need, the other gives up her successful business in China to return to their hometown of Pinebrook, and help her friend raise her newborn baby.
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03x08 - Reverse the Curse

Post by bunniefuu »

Okay, this is making it worse.


Mags, this is not working.

[sighs] I'll try the
crimper. Hello, old friend.

Hey, that's too many hot tools.

- Nope.
- Put down the crimper.

- I got it... no.
- Step away from the crimper.

- I need it.
- Nobody needs a crimper.

No, look at what chemo
has done to my hair.

I look like Dog the Bounty Hunter.

You may feel like Dog
the Bounty Hunter inside,

but you don't look like
him... that's crazy.

Yes, I do. It's like...

[pounds on table] Hey! Ronny Trevin!

You get on out here
and make those payments

on your Mazda Miata!

Who's Ronny Trevin?

He's the scumbag that the
Dog is trying to take down.

Why do you have a Southern accent?

- He lives in Hawaii.
- I don't know.

I've never seen it. [sighs]

Okay, you just finished chemo,

and we're going to dinner to celebrate

with our new boyfriends, okay?

- ♪ Our boyfriends ♪
- What is that?

- ♪ Oh, yeah, the boyfriends ♪
- Oh, my God.

Oh, yeah. So go put on that
dress that we bought you

that shows off your new
tit-ays, and let's h*t the road.

No, these are not ready
for public consumption.

All right, I'll just
call Dr. E and tell him

- to cancel our reservation...
- Okay, thank you.

- At Simon.
- Simon?

That's right, friend.

How did he get a reservation at Simon?

Because he's Dr. Clive Ericson...

- ♪ Uh, my boyfriend ♪
- Oh, God, don't do that.

- ♪ My boyfriend ♪
- No, please. No.

- ♪ My boyfriend ♪
- Please, never let him

- see you do this.
- It's too late.

And he's sticking around, which
is good news for everybody.

All right, fine. I will go.

But can you please try and
do something with this hair?

Yes, I'll straight up Truvy that wig.

- "Steely Mags" style.
- Okay.

Step into my salon.

Just gonna segment it,
and then we're gonna

get a lot of hot air right at the root.

[hair dryer whirring loudly]

- [whirring stops]
- Oh.

I guess that was too many hot tools.

Dog, you did it again.

[Say Hi's "Back before
We Were Brittle" playing]

♪ Hey, remember when ♪

♪ All of time stood still ♪

♪ Ooh, do do do do ♪

♪ Back before we were brittle ♪

♪ Back before we were brittle ♪

Hey, will you text the guys

and tell them that we're just
gonna quick get our hair done

and then we'll be right there?

I'm gonna text them
that we're not coming,

'cause let's face it...
we're never gonna get there.

- What are you talking about?
- It's happening.

I can feel it in my,
until very recently,

cancer-filled bones...

- the Crawford Curse.
- Oh, my God.

- Not this old thing again.
- Listen to me.

- That is not what's happening.
- Since the s,

whenever something is going
well for the Crawfords,

- boom, something bad happens.
- You just had cancer,

so I think you're good for a while.

All right.

Hey, tonight we are celebrating, okay?

Also, there is no curse.

- [thud, tires screech]
- Oh, my God. Are you kidding me?

- [flat tire flopping]
- My bones always know.

[sighs] Okay, I'll find
a place to pull over.

- There's a spare in the back.
- No, no, no.

You can't change it in this dress.

You're gonna get grease all over it.

Who you think you're talking to?

You know I come prepared.

All right. Why is this taking so long?

Excuse me? Do you want to do this?

Or am I the tire expert?

You need to say "thank you"
to your old pal Bocephus.

- This is ridiculous.
- No, it's not.

This is exactly why I keep
this getup in the trunk...

for scrapes like this one.

I thought I got rid of that stupid hat.

Oh, you know Bocephus

always gonna rise from the ashes.

- [sighs]
- Ooh, Jandana Banana.

What you got on the top bits, here?

You got some new merchandise?
All right, don't touch.

- Let me get a feel.
- Don't you touch my boobs.

- Ooh.
- Don't.

Ooh, they feel like a waterbeds.

- Okay.
- Oh, no.

More like Jelly Bellies.
Please give me a tender touch.

- What is this?
- That's my crab grabbing.

[laughing] Crab grabbing.

Text the guys and tell
them we're on our way.

Got it.

Hey, can you toss me the
keys? I got to open the car.

- No, no, no. You have the keys.
- No, I don't.

Well, I... I left them in the ignition.

Well, then they're locked in the car.

- No, no, no, no.
- [sighs]

- No!
- Told you.

It's the Crawford Curse.

It's not the curse. It's you!

The only thing to do now is to give in.

[shouting goofily]

Clive. Oh, good to see you.

- How are you?
- Oh, good. Yeah.

- Wow, this place is...
- Yeah, it's pretty fancy, huh?

- Yeah.
- Not quite my speed.

Yeah, I'm more of a
DiGiorno's Pizza type of guy.

- It's not delivery.
- No. It's DiGiorno.

- DiGiorno.
- Right? [laughs]

All right, well, the girls just texted.

- They're running a little late,
- blow-drying their hair.

- Women.
- [laughs]

Sorry, no, I shouldn't...
that... It's .

I probably shouldn't
say things like that.

Yeah. It's fine. It's fine.

- [faux German accent]
- An amuse-bouche from the chef.

Oh, actually, our dates a
running a little bit late.

So we should probably hold off
on any amuses of the bouche.

Once Chef Simon begins
your culinary adventure...

- Did he just say "semen"?
- That can't be right.

There is no stopping.

Tonight's adventure
is called "Lift Off."

We begin with an exploration
of the forest floor.

Amidst the grubs and the mealworms,

we discover our inspiration.


The beginning of life!

What the...

- It's a bowl of dirt.
- Yeah, I...

I think it's... I think it's a salad.

- Okay. Well, here goes nothing.
- Yeah.

- You gonna do it?
- We'll do it at the same time.

- Yeah, yeah.
- This feels like dirt.

- Mmm.
- Well, shit, Simon.

- That's delicious.
- It's "Semen."

Are you sure you don't have any snacks?

No. I gave you the beef jerky I had.

I don't want... that was not beef jerky.

It was too... it was an old Omaha Steak

that had dried in my trunk.

So what's your big plan?
We're just gonna sit here

- for the rest of our lives?
- Yes.

'Cause in an emergency situation,

you're supposed to stay put.

Oh, interesting.


- Maggie, Emma.
- Mr. Nanjiani?

Look at me. I'm a Lyft driver.

- You need a lift?
- Yes, we do. Thank you.

Too bad. I already got
somebody in the back.

What? Then why did you ask?

Unless what happens in the back seat

stays in the back seat.

♪ ♪

Hey, um, thank you so much
for letting us tag along.

Oh, my pleasure. You look
like you needed a helping hand.

- [both chuckle]
- Where y'all going?

I assume you didn't leave your house

intending to look like this.

We were supposed to have
dinner with our boyfriends.

Yeah, it was to celebrate
this one finishing chemo

'cause she just kicked
breast cancer's ass.

- Oh, congratulations.
- Thank you.

But we're not gonna get
there because I'm cursed.

- Oh, my God.
- And I just want to apologize

because it's most likely
gonna rub off on you as well.

Nothing rubs off on
me unless I want it to.

Plus, if you were cursed, you'd be d*ad.

Curse people don't survive cancer.

Thank you. Exactly.

What is this, "Sixth Sense"?
Am I seeing d*ad people here?

You know what? I'm
trying to break myself

of this habit of taking in stray dogs.

- Mm-hmm.
- Mm.

But I can't in good conscious
let you got meet your men

looking the way you look, so...

Look, I have a question.
Give me your hands.

Do you trust me?

- Well, we just met, but...
- Yes.

Wise. Wise.

All right, girls, right this way.

[upbeat club music]

♪ ♪

Holy shit.

This is like every dream
I've ever had coming true.

We're about to change your lives.

♪ ♪

I mean, I can't go back to Tijuana,

but at least I got a good story.

- [laughter]
- Oh, my God.

You guys, this is literally
a dream come true for me.

I've seen every episode
of "RuPaul's Drag Race."

- both: Twice.
- That's right.

This one can lip-synch for
her life with the best of 'em.

- Yes.
- Oh, can she?

What is going on with
all this kinky, curly hair

at the root, girl?

You look like, um...
Dog the Bounty Hunter?

- Yes! Yes.
- Yeah!

She just finished
chemo for breast cancer,

so we should maybe go easy on her.

- Oh, I'm sorry.
- Sorry.

Oh, no, thank you. No, no. I'm fine.

You know, my mom and my
grandmother both had it.

Oh, I'm so sorry. Are
they... are they...

No! My grandma's ,

and my mom is asking for grandchildren.

That's a bigger conversation.

We're all survivors of something.

Can I get an amen?

- Amen.
- Hallelu!

- And that is worth celebrating.
- That's right.

Yeah, and so are these new boobs, mama.

You got to put these double
Ds in the window, girl.

Yeah, girl, you need
to let the dogs out.

I know. I just don't feel
like they're mine, you know?

- Did you pay for 'em?
- You got the receipts?

- Yeah.
- They're yours.


A wise woman once told me,

"We're all born naked,
and the rest is drag!"

What about you?

- Who? Me?
- Yeah, you.

I mean, you're the caretaker.

- Oh, no, no. I'm good.
- Oh, no, no.

You guys don't understand.

She was with me at every single chemo.

She packed me in ice from head to toe.

Like a choice piece of holiday meat.

Yes. This is all while
going to nursing school

and taking care of the cutest
baby in the entire world.

It's just life. It's just being a woman.

Am I right? Am I right?
Oh, give me a break, man.

- Maggie, you got to get crazy.
- What does that mean?

I'm talking, you got to get crazy, girl.

I'm talking "Britney
Spears, shaved head",

"att*cks car with an umbrella" crazy.

Listen, my great-uncle,
PeeWee... he used to always say,

"Sometimes you got to
let the rough end drag."

I'd love to know what that means.

Girls? Girls, girls,
girls, girls, girls!

Oh, God! Oh, my God.

We have an emergency.

Bitch, if you're gonna
come in here that excited,

you better have something
real dramatic to say.

Ms. Chi Chi Royale and Banana Daiquiri

are over there on a cruise,
whale watching in P Town,

and the ship ran ashore!

How's that for dramatics? Damn!

That is, like, the
second time this week.

Like, why do people love
watching whales so much?

They come here every week for her.

- Both: Oh!
- Truth. Through.

Now who's gonna do "Proud Mary"?

- Not us.
- Oh, no, no, no.

- Katya?
- I'm not in the mood.

I'm not in the mood. I
don't have the body for it.

- No, no, no.
- We'll do it.

We'll do "Proud Mary."

What are you talking about?
We're not drag queens.

We're just, like, one set of
false eyelashes away from it.

Wait, do you guys really
think you can do this?

Well, I mean, I don't know.

We never, ever do nothing nice...

- Ooh, ooh!
- And easy.

We always do it nice and rough.

- [all shouting happily]
- All right!

- [laughter]
- Whoo!

Should we be worried about the girls?

As far as we know,
they might be in jail.

- What?
- Oh, yeah.

Yeah, I've arrested them multiple times.


No, no, no, the charges
have always been dropped.

What sort of other things
have they gotten into?

Oh, gosh, let me think.

- Nothing huge.
- Right.

A lot of chicanery,
tomfoolery, and shenanigans.

- "Shenanigans"?
- Yeah.

For instance, I assumed
that it was just gonna be

the two of us at least
for an hour and a half.

- Okay.
- And I'm not having a bad time.

Me neither. It's quite enjoyable.


What was enjoyable... your forest floor?

Yes, it was delicious. Thank you.

Did you eat the rocks?

- Oh, yeah.
- You should not have.

Our next course... we raise up
to the canopy of the rain forest.

As water gives life, so sun...

- grows roots.
- Mm.

What... what... uh, what is this?

It's a tree.

What are we supposed to do with it?

Cut it down.

["Proud Mary" playing]

You know, sometimes you take
in a stray dog off the streets.


And they just look nasty

'cause it's been on
the street, surviving!

But then you wash it up,
clean it behind the ears,

and damn it if you don't have

a pure-bred Shih Tzu on your hands.

- [cheers from crowd]
- I have two survivors

doing a tribute to the
greatest survivor of all time...

Miss Tina Turner!

- [cheers and applause]
- ♪ Rolling on the river ♪

♪ Rolling on the river ♪

[cheers and applause]

♪ ♪

♪ Oh, I left a good job in the city ♪

♪ Working for the man, every night and day ♪

♪ And I never lost one minute of sleep ♪

♪ And worrying about the
way things might have been ♪

- ♪ Big wheel keep on turning ♪
- ♪ Turning ♪

♪ Proud Mary keep on burning ♪

♪ Burning ♪

- ♪ Rolling ♪
- ♪ Yeah ♪

- ♪ Rolling ♪
- ♪ All right ♪

♪ Rolling on the river ♪

- ♪ All good now ♪
- ♪ Rolling ♪

- ♪ Said, "Rolling" ♪
- ♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Rolling on the river ♪

♪ Come on, doo, doo, doo, doo ♪

♪ Doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo ♪

♪ ♪

[cheers and applause]

♪ All right ♪

♪ I said, "Rolling" ♪

♪ Rolling ♪

♪ Rolling on the river... ♪

[cheers and applause fade]

- Oh, there, I got it.
- There we are.

- Yep.
- Timber. [chuckles]

Hey, so, um, I just wanted to say

thank you for everything
you've done for Emma.

- No, come on.
- No, you went above and beyond.

Those doctors you found saved her life.

And I know you've been
answering her crazy questions

late at night, which I'm sure is a lot.

I had to upgrade my data package.


So how are you doing in all of this?

Um, yeah, no. I'm
doing... I'm doing okay.

Yeah? You good?

Yeah, I mean, I hate that
I can't fix it for her.

- Yeah.
- It's... it's terrifying,

'cause it's...'cause it's
the woman that is the woman

I want to spend the
rest of my life with.

I didn't realize you
guys were so serious.

Just... I guess we just
haven't said it out loud.

And here I am saying it
to a man I hardly know

while sawing down a tiny tree.

Hey, what happens at
Simon stays at Simon.

It's "Semen"!

[both muttering]

Oh, my God. It's fish.
It's extremely moist fish.

It's a fish tree.

There is nothing like a drag audience.

They can either cut like a Kn*fe

or lift you up like a choir of angels.

Oh, God, I've never felt
more feminine or more loved.

- Right?
- You know?

That's 'cause we're
reversing the curse, bitch.

- Yeah, bitch!
- Whoo!

Hey, should we start
calling each other "bitch"?

- Are you on board for that?
- I don't know.

I mean, it felt really good

when I just said it right there, but...

We wouldn't want to do it at home.

No, no. Not in front of Charlotte.

No, I wouldn't want to be like,

"Drink your bottle, bitch!"

That doesn't sound right.

- She's a baby.
- She's a baby, you dummy.

Hey, Tinas! Roll on down the river.

You're blocking my truck.

Rod Rockemoor! As I live and breathe!

- Maggie Caruso?
- Yes!

What are you doing here?

I thought you were just some
old queen who wanted a chipwich.

No, Emma and I... our car broke down,

and one thing lead to
another, and we're doing drag.

- We actually need a ride.
- Back away, you nasty queen.

We got nothing frozen for you here.

Oh, no. Rod, it's me, Emma.

I know, and I don't like you.

- [sighs]
- Please, Rod.

I know this is crazy, but
will you give us a ride?

I have a boyfriend.

- Ooh, ooh, ooh.
- No, no, no. Please don't.

What? Girl, get in here.

That's all you had to say.

- Whoo!
- Not you!

Just kidding. Get in, you mangy queen.

So, Rod, how'd you
end up driving a truck.

Called "Yas Dairy Queens"?

You know, Maggie, after you
friendship broke up with me...

- Sorry about that.
- It really opened my eyes

that my UPS job was just
feeding my gossip obsession.

- Can I have another King Cone?
- No!

Anywho, what I realized
was that what I really loved

- about my job was trucks.
- Wow.

Yeah. I love driving
trucks, packing up trucks,

taking stuff off trucks,

wearing an outfit that matches my truck.

Oh, my God. This is so boring.

Oh, I'm sorry.

What's going on in your
life that's so interesting?

- I had cancer.
- Guh, talk about boring.

- What?
- Hey.

- Y'all settle down, okay?
- [sighs]

You know, I have to
say, it is nice to see

you two connecting over
something other than gossip.

Ooh, which reminds me.
You're never gonna believe

- who came in the ER last week.
- No.

- Yep.
- Both: Shirley Lambert!

- She had four ingrown toenails.
- Maggie, you're not supposed

to share private medical information!

- It's just her toes.
- It's because she's wearing

those dirty flip-flops all the time.

And then putting them up on a wreath.

- Oh, God.
- You know, that abomination

is still up on her door.

Wait, nine months
after the summer season?

- Mm-hmm.
- Oh, my God.

She lives around the corner.
We should do a drive-by.

- A drive-by?
- Yeah.

What about Simon?

I thought this whole night has
been about getting to Simon.

- Come on, it's Shirley Lambert.
- And as Miley Cyrus says,

- it's not the destination...
- both: It's the ride.

- Ooh, are those Laffy Taffys?
- No, ma'am!

- Ow.
- You got to cut

- this d*ad weight.
- You shouldn't say "d*ad."

- I had cancer.
- Oh, let it go!

There it is in all its glory.

"Better Homes and Gardens" called.

They want their idea back.

From .

Okay, guys, this was fun,
but can we get a move on

before someone sees us?

I know we're reversing the curse,

but I don't want to push it.

- I got to have that wreath.
- What are you talking about?

I don't know why, but I got to have it.

Hey. Don't... You are a mother

and an upstanding
member of this community.

- What are you doing?
- I am getting crazy.

- I'm letting the rough end drag.
- We just performed

as twin Tina Turners.

Isn't that crazy enough?

- Oh, my God. It's hideous.
- I told you.

Please don't tell me she
wore those flip-flops.

Every last pair of 'em.

Oh, I'm gonna be sick.

Help me steal it.

- [sighs] Fine.
- Shh, shh, shh.

[laughing quietly]

How does she have this thing affixed?

Um, Shirley Lambert, you
ever heard of a wreath hook?

[both laughing]

Oh, God. Her toe jam's on me.

- Ew! Uh!
- Help me. Help me.

[both yelp]

[both laughing]

Oh, no! Toe jam!

It's all over me.

- [snorting]
- [both laughing]

I love you so much.

Oh, my God. What's happening?

Are you crying?

Why? What?

I just... I'm having
a really good night,

and I'm really glad that you're alive

so that we can do these
dumb adventures together,

'cause I didn't know if we would
get to have anymore, you know?

Wait, were you really
worried I was gonna die?

Yeah, dummy. You had cancer.
Of course. I was terrified.

Get over here, you old
queen and give me some love.

- I love you so much.
- I love you.

- [ice cream truck music playing]
- [gasps]

Rod! Shut it off!

- Rod, no!
- I don't know how!

This is a new truck!

Why is this happening?

- Oh, God!
- [gasps] Go, go, go!

- Shirley alert.
- I got to get out of here.

I can't go back to prison!

- No, no, don't!
- Rod! Aah!

- Rod!
- No!

- [both laughing]
- Aah!

[electronic music]

Congratulations. You
have reached Lift Off.

So, wait, the last course is air, is it?

[chuckles] No, sillies.

- Oh, cotton candy.
- It's "Semen"!

- Ooh.
- He's got to stop saying that.

- Enjoy.
- "Danyoy"?

Why is he so cross all the time?

- I don't know.
- He's just angry with us.

- What have we done?
- [cell phone rings]

Oh. Hold on. This is work.

Oh, wait, wait. This is
weird. Check this out.

I just got an APB saying
that two drag queens

in an ice cream truck
just stole a wreath

from Shirley Lambert's
door. That is very specific.

- [clears throat] Hello.
- Hello, friends.

- Oh, no. Oh, no. Maggie.
- Yeah.

- Are you all right?
- Feel... feeling great.

- Sorry we're late.
- [clears throat]

Did I just get an APB on you two?

We're not speaking to anyone

until we have our lawyer present.

- Okay.
- Also, you should know,

a gentleman offered us $ ...
For the use of our bodies.

Wait a minute. Were you
soliciting sex, guys?

Come on.

When have you ever gotten
offered money for your body?

- That is not a lot of money.
- Can we leave?

All: Let's get out of here.


[whispering] Aw, look
at that little peanut.

- [whispering] Oh, my God.
- You know, if she wakes up

and sees us in these wigs,
she's gonna be scarred for life.


- Oh, I just love her so much.
- Me too.

Hey, when we tell her
the story about tonight,

- can we leave out the part...
- Oh, I'm absolutely telling her

- that you broke the law.
- Hey.

- Don't try to censor me.
- Why don't we just tell her

about how I fixed a flat
tire dressed as a man?

Don't tell me how to tell my stories.

Okay, well, I know
you're gonna embellish it.

You know what? This is the one time

I don't have to embellish it

'cause you're actually that crazy.

- You're the crazy one.
- No, you're the crazy one.

- You are...
- No, no, hey!

Don't drop a nail in that crib.

- Shh. Shut up.
- Shut up.

I love you, baby girl.

Okay. Night, night, Char-Bar.

Your two crazy mamas love you.

[smooches] Okay.

["Proud Mary" playing]

'Cause we're rolling.

♪ Said we're rolling ♪

- ♪ Rolling ♪
- ♪ Rolling ♪

- ♪ Rolling ♪
- ♪ Rolling on the river ♪

♪ Rolling on the river ♪
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