03x05 - Episode 5

[bunniefuu]

I'm pretty sure I can
smell booze on you.

- Don't you not drink?
- I have the odd drink now.

OK.

Well, we're not moving back here.
I don't want to die in Walthamstow.

You're not going to die,
and this isn't Walthamstow.

This is Douglas.

Aloha.

She said you told her
that she was too beautiful

to work in the same building as you.

Well, she told me that she
wanted to suck my cock...

until I passed out.

That kind of language
is utterly inappropriate.

I f*cking agree.

Plus, none of the autopsies
showed conclusively

that it was Trilafon
that k*lled those guys,

but it's time for us to tell
the British public we're sorry.

Though we can't actually say that.

In other news, it's great
to welcome Rob Norris

and his creative eye back.

Rob's been in Montreal
these past few weeks,

teaching a course in
pharmaceutical marketing

at McGill University's
school of business.

- Good to have you back, Rob.
- Good to be back.

Um, I very much appreciate
that gesture but we...

I massaged the truth a bit. So what?

- I thought it might be easier that way.
- Thank you, I...

I'll see you at the
extended-release transdermal

cyclobenzaprine meeting.

We should come up with
an acronym for that,

because it takes a while to say.

I just wanted to say...

I'm back from Canada
and it's good to be back.

- OK...
- All right.

I'll see you around.

[KNOCK AT DOOR]

Mate, are you going to
be in there for a while?

There's a toilet downstairs.

That seat's rickety. You
might want to get it fixed.

I was just winding you up.

Good one.

[HE EXHALES]

Jesus!

Seriously, you might
need to see a doctor.

He needs to not be in
this house any more.

What's he done now?

One of my core beliefs is that
I should be able to take a sh*t

in my own home without
being bothered by a stranger.

He's doing you a favour.

Seriously, it cannot be good for you,

sitting like that for hours
with your arse all open.

Something's going to fall out one day.

- Or crawl in.
- [HE CHUCKLES]

- What time are you up?
- I've got to get in early.

We have some MPs coming
in that we have to bribe.

We f*cked up on a clinical trial

and a little girl in Sheffield
grew an ear on her neck.

Yeah, but that's when
you were on leave, right?

Yeah, I never would
have signed off on that.

What's it like being back?

- Is it horrible?
- It's not wonderful.

Well, if it's any consolation,
you going back to a job you hate

so we don't lose our home
gives me the massive horn.

- That does sound nice.
- I don't mean right now.

Not now.

I had a big dinner.

Do you feel bad that neither of us
is going to be with the kids now?

I mean, I went back to work
and they had to get used to you,

and now you're like,
"f*ck you, I'm off too".

What, "f*ck you, I need to earn
money to support my family?"

That's the opposite of "f*ck you."

- f*ck you.
- f*ck off!

We need to sort out a
child-minder, though.

Like, a proper child-minder,
if we're both working.

It was all right when
Anna was our baby-sitter.

I mean, your baby-sitter's
supposed to be sh*t.

Yeah, all they have to do is put
them to bed and then just sit there.

She doesn't just sit there.

You know when we went
to see Jason Bourne?

When we got back the
living room smelt of sex.

No, it didn't.

Well, it at least smelt of solo sex.

Maybe she just microwaved
a Findus Crispy Pancake.

What's that thing on her neck
now? Is that a wound dressing?

I thought it was a nicotine patch.

Well, whatever it is, I don't
want Muireann pecking it off

and chewing on it.

[MOBILE RINGS]

Oh, it's Mum.

Hello.

[GROANING]

[KNOCK AT DOOR]

Don't come in.

Did you not see the
sock on the door knob?

For f*ck's sake!

Look, it's a normal
thing that people do, OK?

- Relax.
- Dad had a stroke.

What?

On the plane...

on the way home.

f*cking Ryanair!

Oh, that's what that is.

We were wondering what
that was on your...

- Sorry to hear about your dad.
- Oh, thanks.

Thanks for doing this. I've got
to head over there and Rob...

Did you know him well?

My dad? Yeah, yeah...

- So you're going to Ireland now?
- Yeah, because...

Yeah, they do it pretty
quickly over there, don't they?

My Irish cousin, Maeve, she d*ed,

and you know how you
lot do the open casket?

- I do, yeah.
- Yeah, well, she was still warm,

and I thought it was because...

she was beside the
radiator but, you know,

I touched it and it wasn't even on.

Well, my dad's not dead...
he just had a stroke.

Oh, great.

Well, have a nice trip then.

Oh, hey, Margaret.

That's a nice blouse.

- I would buy that for my wife.
- Pardon?

And, Tina, I also like your blazer...

for my wife.

- Top cupboard.
- Sorry?

If you're looking for coffee
pouches, they're in the top cupboard.

- Thanks.
- Oh, and they're all good.

I took the decaf packets
and threw them away.

- Not on my watch.
- Strong move, my man.

- Rafe Bales.
- Rob Norris.

Yeah, I know. I started a few weeks ago,

I guess while you were
teaching your course at McGill

school of business.

- Sure. How are you finding it?
- Good.

I mean, it's a good company, good folks.

- Tacos on the roof.
- Tacos on the roof?

Yeah, they do tacos on
the roof now on Fridays.

- It's awesome.
- Do you like tacos?

Do I look like I like tacos?

You look like you enjoy a
taco from time to time, yeah.

- You'd better believe I do.
- Well, I'll see you up there then.

I'll just finish making my coffee,
and then I will see you up there.

- On Friday.
- That's what I meant.

- OK.
- All right.

Of course, the real issue is that
the ambulance from the airport

got caught up in the
rugby match traffic.

It was an exhibition match,
you know, France, Ireland,

so it was a pretty hot
ticket, to say the least.

And that was at the same
time as the Ed Sheeran gig

was getting out of the
ROS Arena so, you know...

Traffic-wise he couldn't
have picked a worse time to...

But... anyway, luckily, it
wasn't that big of a stroke.

But, because of his stroke last year...

What stroke last year?

His stroke was two days ago.

No, no, no, no, the first stroke.

The dementia you've spoken about

is almost certainly a consequence
of the stroke he had last year.

- What, this was his second stroke?
- Yes.

Oh, great. Oh, well, that's great.

Well, he didn't want to make a fuss,

and it wasn't a big one.

It's not a fuss. He's my dad.

We need to know if our
father's had a stroke.

You... you're so secretive.

- What the hell?!
- And what about you?

What do you mean, "What about me?"

Well, you're hardly an open book.

You kept the fact that you were
seeing that Sinn Fein councillor quiet

- for a long time.
- What?

I was and he wasn't a Sinn Fein...

I'm just saying you're a
bit of a dark horse yourself.

Jesus. Mum,

even medically I need
to know, let alone...

You know Dad and I share genes?

I mean, you don't need
to worry because...

- I don't need to worry?!
- No, I don't mean...

Look, I need to know...

if I'm going to keel over
and have a stroke one day

when I'm reading Frankie
the f*cking Gruffalo.

- Strokes aren't hereditary.
- Oh, shut up, Fergal.

- No, no, he's correct.
- Oh, and you would...

OK.

Thanks.

Honey, you're home.

Yeah, what's up?

Well, Fran told me about Sharon's dad,

and her going to Ireland
and leaving you all alone,

so I thought I'd check in, make
sure you hadn't gone full Winehouse.

Look, Chris, I don't need...

You told me more than once
you had a problem with booze.

And when somebody tells you
something about themselves,

I've learned it's a good idea to listen.

Look, there's a spectrum that...

- we're all on...
- A spectrum?

Christ! I haven't drunk today.

- Do you want to smell my breath?
- No.

- Do you want to smell my balls?
- No.

But let me make you a cup of tea.

No, thank you, I have
miles to go before I sleep.

I like your tattoo. What is it?

It's a female panther.

- I like your jacket.
- All right, let's go in.

I should have known when he
said he could smell strawberries.

Fresh fruit on Ryanair?

- That'll never happen.
- Some chance.

They didn't even make an announcement.

But credit to Des, he
did stroke quite quietly.

He doesn't like to make a fuss.

When Harry had his stroke

he knocked over a display pyramid
of Pepsi Max in the supermarket.

Well, there's no good place to have one.

- You still in your mam's place?
- Yeah. God...

Grimsville, Idaho.

But, still, it's only a Dart
and two buses to see the girls.

Yeah.

God, Fergal's looking well, isn't he?

I found this. Look.

Where's that from?

Oh, Sharon used to be a flight
attendant for Ret*rded Slut Airlines.

It's the Saint Mary Step's ball.

Look at the state of you.

How are you, Fergal? I haven't
seen you since the wedding.

Yeah, all right. You still with Harry?

Oh, God, no. No, I left
him left him when he hit me.

What? You never told me that.

- He hit you?
- Yeah.

I mean, he hit me with
the thing he threw at me.

Threw his iPod shuffle
at me. So I just left.

Left all my stuff and I just walked
out in the middle of the night.

Well, I mean, that's great...

Well, actually, I went back the
next night to get my purse...

- Oh, no, of course. Sure.
- ... and to sink his boat.

I sank his boat.

Are you still married?

I just remembered I left a
joint under the floorboard

of my bedroom years ago.

Well, what are we doing down here?

You OK? Do you want a cup of tea?

Oh, are you talking to me now?

Mum, I was never not
talking to you. I was just...

not... looking at you.

I'm going to check on your father.

Fergal's looking well.

Thank you.

Hi, again.

Man, you ought to shut me off,

or there won't be any carne
asada left for anybody else.

That's a real possibility.

- You can't b*at this.
- You really can't.

It cost about £ a
week to do, but in fact,

this is the type of sh*t that
makes your employees hang around

two to three months longer on average,

which can save a company tens
of thousands over a fiscal year

in training and recruitment fees.

Also, people like tacos.

How many tacos have you had?

- Oh, actually, I don't...
- Cheers.

Thanks.

Hey.

Hey.

Chris. Remember me?

I'm still legally married
to your girlfriend.

Yeah, I remember you. You want a beer?

No, thank you.

I just thought we
should have a little chat

because you're spending a fair
amount of time in my house,

with my son, and I don't care for it.

- Really.
- Yeah.

I'm not wild about you.

I suppose you could say I wish you ill.

- Is that right?
- Yeah.

Now, look, you have choices.

The good news is that
you're at a fork in the road.

One path, the one I'd recommend,
could lead to any number of places,

some lovely, some peaceful.

- There you go.
- Thank you so much!

The other path is a bad path.

If you were to choose this path,

you'd better hope the next person
to walk it is a forensic dentist,

so they can identify your f*cking skull

and your mother has something
to bury in the family plot.

Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

Och aye the noo.

What are you going to do?

Bring along a little
stepladder, climb up on it,

and punch me in the tits to death?

And you can save me the Braveheart sh*t.

Consider your goal achieved.

Some nut job ex interrupting
my chicken Caesar wrap?

f*ck that noise.

I was going to dump her anyway.

Now I don't even have to do that.

Leave Shelly a nice tip.

She's my favourite bartender.

_

Oh, Dad!

Where's my f*cking...?

Why didn't I get a f*cking letter?

That's Mike. He's
and he's got four kids.

I think he's like Amish or Mormon

- or whichever one of those does that.
- Yeah.

- What's her name?
- That's Tina.

How much do think she weighs?

I don't know.

O lbs less than me.

OK, so say there's a
nuclear att*ck, right?

And everyone's dropped
dead except you and Harita.

- How long before you'd f*ck her?
- I mean, that would be up to her,

because I would never...

And first off, did my wife get
k*lled in this nuclear att*ck?

Because if she wasn't dead,
I'd go and try and save her.

No, no, no, your family are
dead. They d*ed instantly.

They were vaporised. It's painless.

Then I wouldn't be
horny, because I'd be sad.

Oh, all right, Morrissey.

- Fat Morrissey!
- Oh, Jesus.

Come on, man. f*ck, I'm not that fat.

It's about the third thing
you'd notice about me.

I mean, first, I'm tall.

Second, I'm very
friendly, and then maybe

you'd notice that I'm
slightly overweight.

[HE LAUGHS] Slightly!

So, what's it's been like
coming back after, you know...?

After Canada?

After you got busted for trying to
bang that French girl in the office.

I didn't do anything like that.

- And how do you...?
- Oh, no.

Everyone here knows you got
suspended for sexual misconduct.

It was a f*cking
mutually-agreed leave of absence

and a misunderstanding, all right?

Keep your voice down.

Bobby, the cat's out of
the bag on this one, mate.

You might as well make lemonade.

[HE LAUGHS]

No? Where are you going?

I've got going to let
the baby-sitter go.

I'd wait half an hour
before I f*cked Harita!

This happens all the time.

I mean, I get looked over every time.

I'm a good daughter. I
send Father's Day cards.

I buy the birthday presents.

Do you know how he knows
when your birthday is?

Because I f*cking tell him.

I'm the oldest child.
I'm the first-born.

Dad's known me four more
years than he's known Fergal.

Maybe he was writing yours

and then he had a stroke
in the middle of it.

Yeah, maybe. But why
did he write yours first?

My letter should have come first.

What if the last letter Dad
ever writes is to Fergal?

- You're being ridiculous.
- No, I'm not.

What's ridiculous is this family
not acknowledging the truth.

Mum, what I think Sharon
is trying to say is...

we can't handle the truth.

- Oh, f*ck off, Fergal.
- No, you calm down.

I am calm, but this is bullshit.

Do you know how it feels
to play second fiddle

- to that prick all my life?
- Hang on...

Do you have any idea what
that does to your confidence?

Do you know how many terrible
men I've had to sleep with

because Dad loves that
assh*le more than me?

Not... not many, actually,

but, you know, this is really upsetting.

I'm really upset.

And where's all the...?

Where's all the photos
of me and my kids?

There's just Fergal's everywhere.

It's Fergal, Fergal, Fergal.

It's like a f*cking
Fergal shrine in here.

My hand's in that photo and that's it.

Actually, I don't think that is your
hand. You weren't there that day.

You don't send me any photos.

Mum, I constantly e-mail you
photos of me and the kids.

What am I supposed to do with those?

Fergal sends me
photographs already framed.

What?

Oh, my God. You're a psychopath.

You don't send a -year-old
with dial-up a bunch of JPEGs.

That's like asking a f*cking
haddock to do a suduki.

Sudoku. Whatever the f*ck.

Is it because he's the son?

Does that make him more important?

I'm going to let you get
this out of your system

and go and check on Des.

Or is it because he embezzled
money from my husband?

Rob lent me money and
I'm paying him back.

Or is it because you're
so proud of his bags

since his actual business went under?

Or is it because he left his wife

because he's scared of Spain?

Mum, I didn't tell
you about the business

because I didn't want
you to worry about me.

I want you to be proud of me.

I told Sharon because I
don't care what she thinks.

And that stuff about Mallandra,
I mean, that was just...

I didn't mean any of that, you know?

Dad getting sick has changed everything.

I'm going back to Spain.

I just want to sell man
bags and be a good dad.

Well, it's all out in the open now.

I am proud of you.

I always will be.

He's got dr*gs hidden under
the floorboards in his bedroom.

Sorry I'm late.

Do you have my wallet?

No.

I have it.

You're giving me...

- you've given me too much.
- Mm.

- You all right?
- No.

- I'm going to throw up.
- Don't lie down.

It's fine. I'm just going to
relax a little bit and do it later.

Do you still need me tomorrow?

Rob?

Did you make pancakes?

Smells, like, f*cking good.

No.

Look, Muireann's not long gone to sleep,

so just keep an ear out, yeah?

[BABY CRIES]

[SHE SIGHS]

Don't worry, you slept there,
I slept in Muireann's room.

Right, so the money you
overpaid me last night

just about covers me staying over.

I'll see you later.

You should have a shower

or walk through a car wash or summit.

You really smell.

[HE SNIFFS]

Do you want a cup of tea?

Great. I'll have one too.

I'm sorry.

[KNOCKING]

How do you know where I live?

I've dropped you off
here, like, times.

All right, fair enough.
What do you want?

You left these in
Muireann's room last night.

All right.

- Thanks.
- Listen,

I'm really sorry about last night.

And I'm not telling you
not to tell Sharon...

I ain't telling Sharon.

You think she f*cking
won't k*ll the messenger?

Right.

And, look, um, this isn't a bribe, um,

or a payoff, it's just a
way to say thank you for...

I mean, what you did last night was...

I mean, I always thought
you were a fine baby-sitter,

but now I know.

I can't feel sorry for you.

You know I missed a date
cos of you last night?

_

Oh! I'm really sorry.

I mean, you can always go
around there now, maybe?

Can I?

Or do you think his
girlfriend's around there now?

I'm sorry.

I...

Daddy?

[KNOCKING]

I need help.

How did you know?

How did I know what?

He's dead.

He d*ed.

Fergal?!

Dad.

My dad.

Oh, Christ.

Oh, honey.

MUSIC: Catastrophe Theme by Oli Julian